1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:02,534
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:05,437
Sex is so much better
with someone you know well.
3
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,972
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
4
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:09,041
That's why so many
marriages last forever.
5
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,277
(both cackling)
6
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,782
But it's true, it's true...
Sex is better when you,
7
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,051
You know, you know the
other person's rhythms,
8
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,285
What they like,
9
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:22,221
Which leg they can
put behind their head.
10
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,289
I'm still impressed
you can do that.
11
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:26,959
Uh, yoga.
12
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:29,294
When I started, I was
single and I wanted to be
13
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:31,363
Flexible enough to
give myself a...
14
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,368
You know, I, uh, I-I really
would have missed you
15
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,303
If you moved to san francisco.
16
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,471
Aw, me, too.
17
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,640
Although maybe I should have
waited to sell the house.
18
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,976
I got to be out of
here in two weeks. Mm.
19
00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:45,310
I could help you
find an apartment.
20
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,379
Unless you want me to
stay out of your hair.
21
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,548
Hey, that's the second
time I said that tonight.
22
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,317
Actually, I really
could use your help.
23
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:55,187
I mean, unless
you're busy with work.
24
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,356
(both cackling)
25
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,657
Oh, I love you, lyndsey.
26
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,092
I love you, too, alan.
27
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,260
You want to go again?
No.
28
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,662
You satisfied me the first time.
29
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:04,830
(both cackling)
30
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,399
♪ men. ♪
31
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,335
Walden, do you
believe in destiny?
32
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,337
I believe in
33
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:14,406
Destiny's child.
34
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,209
I'm serious.
35
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,710
Think of everything
that happened
36
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,912
That led us to this moment.
37
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,214
Oh, see, that...
I'd rather not.
38
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,917
I know you don't want to talk
about my relationship with alan.
39
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,752
No, I don't.
I don't even like
40
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,054
Sharing a cab with alan.
41
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:32,024
But don't you see? If alan
and I hadn't been together
42
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,293
And I hadn't freaked out
when he rejected me,
43
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,528
You wouldn't be here
to comfort me.
44
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,564
In a way, I just want to say
45
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,100
Thank you, alan harper.
46
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,601
Yeah.
47
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:46,105
Thank you, alan harper.
48
00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:49,208
So-so you are
aware that you...
49
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,211
Freaked out a little bit.
50
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,279
You mean when I showed up
to your house at midnight
51
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,416
In the rain or when I followed
alan for 12 straight hours
52
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,551
And peed in a bottle in my car?
53
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:03,288
I didn't know you
did that. That's...
54
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,257
Look at us, getting
to know each other.
55
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,391
(soft chuckle)
56
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,427
So-so was that
57
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,262
Out of character for
you, would you say?
58
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,465
Well, I admit, I am not
good with rejection.
59
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,833
Who is?
60
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,435
Well, don't worry.
61
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:20,172
I am never, ever
gonna let go of you.
62
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,474
I believe you.
63
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,743
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
64
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:28,046
♪ Ah. ♪ men. ♪ men.
65
00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:34,686
♪ Men. ♪
66
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,755
Uh-oh.
67
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,225
I'll let you know when I'm done.
68
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,595
Okay, once again,
69
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,765
I will buy you another
lego mini figure.
70
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,869
We don't have to wait
for that one to come out.
71
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:55,040
Hey.
72
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,609
Oh, you always know
when I've had sex.
73
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,445
What gave it away?
74
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:02,548
The bounce in my step
or the glow in my cheek?
75
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,283
No, it's probably the, uh, text
76
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,884
I got from you that said,
77
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,620
"guess why I can't see
my penis right now."
78
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,289
I was bored.
79
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,991
So, uh, how was your little
talk with ms. Mcmartin?
80
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,695
You know, about that whole
situation... you and her...
81
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,198
I just... You know, maybe
I just judged you too harshly.
82
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,367
No, no, I was... I deserved it.
I-I was stupid and weak.
83
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:25,437
And besides, bitch be crazy.
84
00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:27,973
Yeah. Well...
85
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,641
Bitch be my girlfriend.
86
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:34,479
Oh, my god.
You didn't.
87
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,915
After all the crap you gave me?
88
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,885
"How could you sleep
with our social worker, alan?"
89
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:43,322
"get your penis
out of my business, alan."
90
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,391
"that's not what yoga
is for, alan."
91
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,927
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I-I made a mistake.
92
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,163
I just... I alan'd
this whole thing up.
93
00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:55,000
My name as a verb. I like it.
94
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,069
So-so how did this happen?
95
00:03:57,071 --> 00:04:00,539
I don't know. I just...
I went over there and then...
96
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,574
She got all emotional
97
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,177
And kept calling herself
a loser and then...
98
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:06,612
Okay, and then
she started to cry.
99
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:09,881
Oh, crying. She used that
to turn me on, too.
100
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,784
What? No. I-I comforted her
101
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,721
And then one thing led to an...
You're a freak.
102
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,422
Hey, hey, don't call me a freak.
103
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,957
You're the one who alan'd it up.
104
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,226
You know what,
maybe it'll be okay.
105
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,295
I mean, she only goes crazy
when she gets rejected,
106
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,897
So I just have to keep her
happy for a couple days
107
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,866
Until we finalize
louis's adoption.
108
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,134
See, I just...
109
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,902
I feel bad, 'cause...
110
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,904
I mean, she already fell
head over heels in love with me.
111
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,240
She walden'd you.
112
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:36,642
You know what?
113
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,909
Go alan yourself.
114
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,879
Thanks to yoga, I can.
115
00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:44,383
♪ Men. ♪
116
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,884
This is great.
117
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,153
Lots of natural light,
hardwood floors,
118
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,588
And it's next to a chipotle.
119
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,890
I can't wait for our first
post-booty burrito.
120
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,126
It's also right
across the street
121
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,460
From a really cute bookstore.
122
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,763
Remember books?
123
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,564
And-and you saw how
big those closets are.
124
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,766
I could live in those things.
125
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,067
Not a good idea.
126
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:03,402
I already have
enough people asking me
127
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,170
If you're in the closet.
128
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,805
People think I'm gay?
129
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,073
That's hilarious.
130
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,609
Can't wait to tell my husband.
131
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:13,278
So... Do you
really like it?
132
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,680
(scoffs)
what's not to like?
133
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,081
This place is amazing.
134
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,949
Good. 'cause I was thinking
135
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,319
Maybe instead of visiting,
136
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,187
Why don't you move in with me?
137
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,622
In this dump?
138
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,157
You just said you liked it.
139
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,025
That was when I thought
it was for you.
140
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,127
But for the two of us?
141
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,262
There's no study.
142
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:31,496
Where would I write my novel?
143
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,831
You're writing a novel?
144
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,800
Well, when I finish
my screenplay.
145
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:37,202
Do you not want to live with me?
146
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,171
No, of course I do.
147
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,673
But I-I want our place
to be perfect.
148
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,275
Like you.
149
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,210
Uh, and I don't care how long
it takes to find it.
150
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,045
You have two weeks.
151
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,714
(scoffs)
two weeks?
152
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,382
That's-that's plenty of time
to find an apartment
153
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,851
And finish alan harper: Vampire hunter.
154
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:56,855
♪ men. ♪
155
00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:00,892
There you are!
156
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,694
(screams)
157
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,829
Hi!
158
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:04,963
There you are!
159
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,498
In my kitchen.
160
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,166
Holding a knife.
161
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,568
Oh, I'm sorry.
162
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,002
I wanted to surprise you.
163
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,506
Well, I peed a little, so...
164
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,774
Good job.
165
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,810
Wh-who...
How did you get in here?
166
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:19,811
Berta.
167
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,480
I told her
I was cooking for you.
168
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,315
She said, "great.
Clean the toilets, too."
169
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:25,250
Then she grabbed a six-pack
and she went home.
170
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:28,420
So it's just me and you.
171
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:29,421
There's no witnesses.
172
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,189
(laughs)
173
00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,424
You are so funny.
174
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:33,725
(laughs)
175
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,560
It's like dating jimmy fallon.
176
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,229
(laughs)
177
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,030
I'm making you crab cakes.
178
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,932
What...? Really?
I love crab cakes.
179
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,100
I know.
180
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,935
You told me the happiest summer
you ever had
181
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,837
Was when your family
rented that house in maryland
182
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,239
And your grandpa
took you crabbing.
183
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:49,274
I remember when we were there
and he said,
184
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:52,010
"you know, when you turn 18,
I'm gonna take you to vegas
185
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,614
And we'll get
a different kind of crabs."
186
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,249
Ah, yeah.
187
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,216
Then he laughed.
188
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,986
Oh, how boompa
loved his hookers.
189
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,423
Hey, this is very nice,
but maybe next time...
190
00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:06,558
Oh! I also have
your favorite dessert.
191
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,460
Did I tell you
about gam-gam's apple pie?
192
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,834
That's not gam-gam's pie.
193
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:20,138
♪ Men. ♪
194
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,273
Hey.
195
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,108
Oh, hey.
Where you been?
196
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,209
Apartment hunting.
197
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:27,746
(gagging)
198
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,614
Are you... Really?
199
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,883
Oh, my god,
you do hear my prayers.
200
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,084
Don't get excited.
201
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,085
It was for lyndsey.
202
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,454
Oh. Damn you.
203
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,556
But get this: She asked me
to move in with her.
204
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,291
All right, you got me.
205
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:40,492
There's no way I'm doing it.
206
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,794
Ah, you're dead to me!
207
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:46,097
So, uh, how's it going
with ms. Mccrazy?
208
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,466
You know what?
That'll be enough of that.
209
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,934
Oh, sorry.
210
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,469
(whispering):
She might be listening.
211
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:52,971
No, I'm just...
212
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,741
Seriously, ms. Mcmartin is
a genuinely nice person.
213
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,143
I just...
214
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,178
I feel bad about, like,
stringing her along.
215
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,746
Yeah, but you can't
break up with her.
216
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,081
It'll jeopardize the adoption.
217
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,950
I know, but, like, lying to her
218
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,819
Just seems cowardly and selfish.
219
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,654
Well, you know what they say.
220
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,122
One man's cowardly and selfish
221
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,091
Is another man's approach
to everything in life.
222
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,459
No, you know what?
223
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,994
She didn't take louis away
224
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,863
When she found out
our marriage was fake.
225
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,766
And she didn't take him away
when you dumped her, so...
226
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:24,169
Like, she's gonna do
the right thing.
227
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,637
So am I.
228
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,606
Good for you.
229
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,508
You make me want to be
a better man.
230
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:33,111
Hey, uh, I-is louis home?
231
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,312
No, he's staying
at a friend's house.
232
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,382
Good. I can watch porn
without headphones.
233
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,718
Oh, I get it now.
234
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,354
I'm in hell.
235
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:44,322
♪ Men. ♪
236
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,358
Come on, baby.
237
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,827
Get off that laptop and
get on top of this lap.
238
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,228
(laughs)
239
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,297
I'm trying to find us
a place to live.
240
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,832
Oh! How about this one?
241
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,634
It's got a community hot tub.
242
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,402
Yes, that's great.
243
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,304
Uh, because when
I'm stuck in traffic,
244
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,840
Uh, and I look at the
stranger in the next car
245
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,142
And he's picking his nose,
I'm always thinking,
246
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,444
"boy, I'd like to sit in
stagnant water with that guy."
247
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:10,849
Okay, no hot tub.
248
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:13,018
Hey, how about
a two-bedroom loft downtown?
249
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,719
It's got a washer and dryer.
250
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,821
And no green space
for my herb garden.
251
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,724
Do you even know me?
(sighs)
252
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,826
Okay.
253
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,328
Describe your perfect place.
254
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:28,033
Uh, it's a beautiful home,
255
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,735
It's on the beach,
256
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,370
It has a housekeeper
257
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,772
And it's owned by a billionaire
258
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,273
Who doesn't monitor
his change jar.
259
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:38,343
You're just describing
this house.
260
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,911
Wow, you're right.
261
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,746
That worked out.
Let's have sex.
262
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,181
Alan...
263
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,517
I've made a lot of
changes in my life
264
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,752
And I was excited about
starting all over with you,
265
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,722
But I cannot go through
this same pattern
266
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,624
Over and over again.
267
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,961
You love this house
more than you love me.
268
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,429
Oh, I'm sorry.
269
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,430
Was that a question?
270
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,365
Good-bye, alan.
271
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,901
Oh, come...
This is so unfair.
272
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,369
Until you went to
rehab last month,
273
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,605
You loved vodka more than me.
274
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,306
And when I've had
too much house,
275
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,041
I don't get naked
in the walmart.
276
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,544
♪ Men. ♪
277
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:18,416
♪ Men. ♪
278
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,485
Oh, hey, uh, berta.
279
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,954
When ms. Mcmartin gets here,
can you give us some privacy?
280
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,222
I gotta talk to her.
281
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,924
Oh, god.
282
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:28,493
When are you gonna stop
proposing to all these women?
283
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:30,662
Zoey, kate...
284
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,464
Alan.
Uh...
285
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:35,000
Actually, I'm gonna
break up with her.
286
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,603
If you want, I can pull
together a breakup kit
287
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,505
Like I used to do for charlie.
288
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,508
It's a pint of haagen dazs,
289
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,310
A bottle of wine
290
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:49,080
And the only copy
of your sex tapes.
291
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,518
(doorbell rings)
292
00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:58,123
Hey, walden.
293
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,424
Hey, berta!
294
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,426
What's your favorite flavor
of ice cream?
295
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,361
Why?
296
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,596
No reason.
297
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,533
Hey, thanks for coming.
298
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,801
Why are you with me?
299
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,170
Good, good. How are you?
300
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,838
Are you with me
because you're afraid
301
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,474
If you break up with me,
I'll screw up the adoption?
302
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,277
What?!
303
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,379
No!
304
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:22,947
Come... I just, uh...
305
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,350
Berta, how we coming
with that ice cream?
306
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,152
Please be honest with me.
307
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:29,554
Okay, to be honest...
308
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,057
Yeah, I did think that.
309
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,725
But then I realized
that you would never
310
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,627
Ever do something like that.
311
00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:36,861
I was doing that.
312
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,396
I knew it!
313
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,398
This morning,
I was going over your paperwork,
314
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,734
And I literally considered
postponing the final hearing
315
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,869
Because I was afraid,
as soon as it happened,
316
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,005
You would leave me.
317
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,573
I would never do that to you.
318
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,575
I was gonna break up
with you right now.
319
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,178
So, you agree.
320
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,680
We shouldn't see
each other anymore.
321
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,182
Here.
322
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,183
What's this?
323
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,417
It's the final adoption forms.
324
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,252
You have a court date tomorrow
325
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,354
And everything's
gonna sail through.
326
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,156
Congratulations.
Louis is yours.
327
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,791
Oh, really?
328
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,062
Oh... Oh, my god, thank you.
329
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,531
Ah, you know this is a
330
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,333
"thank you for being
a great social worker" hug,
331
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,901
Not a "I want you back" hug.
332
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,570
Yeah, I know.
333
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,739
And don't worry, I'm
not gonna go all crazy
334
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,540
And freak out on you.
335
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:23,908
Come on, I know that.
336
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,510
I froze your sperm.
337
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:31,049
♪ Men. ♪
338
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,251
Okay, buddy, here we go.
This is the first time
339
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,353
We're walking into this house
as an official family.
340
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,221
Cool.
341
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,957
Walden schmidt, louis schmidt
342
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:42,360
And a big pile of schmidt.
343
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:45,296
Ah!
344
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,065
Hey, you know, now
that you're my son,
345
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,967
Someday all of this
is gonna be yours.
346
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,302
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
347
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,438
So, what should we do
to celebrate
348
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,106
This special family day?
349
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,442
I'm going to play
legos in my room!
350
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,043
Oh, oh, uh, you mean,
351
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,646
"I'm going to play
legos in my room, dad."
352
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,715
I'm going home to get high.
353
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:06,417
I mean, I'm going home
to get high...
354
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,019
Dad.
355
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,223
Seriously, I'm happy for you.
356
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:15,493
And I want you to know I'm,
I'm here whenever you need me.
357
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,795
Alan, you're not
getting the house.
358
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,730
Damn it!
359
00:13:18,732 --> 00:13:20,064
This is weird.
360
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,566
Feel like I should be
doing something dad-like.
361
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,569
Like drinking beers outside.
362
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,104
Or grilling something.
363
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,405
You know, something manly.
364
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,673
Oh, perfect!
365
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:29,674
Uh, I have a nice, thick
366
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,075
Portobello mushroom
you can grill.
367
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,677
I said "something manly."
368
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,245
Well, if you close your eyes,
you'll swear you have
369
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,313
A piece of meat in your mouth.
370
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,516
I'm never closing my eyes again.
371
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,118
Just give me a beer.
372
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,353
So, uh, how's it going
with ms. Mcmartin?
373
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,589
She seemed a little standoffish
at the courthouse.
374
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,623
You know, I think
she was just trying
375
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,858
To keep things professional.
376
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,359
There's nothing going on
between us anymore.
377
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:49,694
Guess it doesn't matter.
378
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,863
We always knew it would
end up like this.
379
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,164
Just you and me.
380
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,599
Couple of cool bros,
381
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,434
Couple of chilled brews...
382
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,203
And a couple of grilled 'bellos.
383
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,973
Stop trying to shove
your mushrooms down my throat!
384
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:04,442
My point is we don't need
anything else to be happy.
385
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,611
(grunts)
or anyone.
386
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:07,679
Right, right!
387
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,614
Let lyndsey move
to san francisco.
388
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,616
There's no way I'm giving up
all this for her!
389
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,884
I mean, look at this house!
390
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:16,721
Look at the ocean and the view!
391
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,523
That's why you broke up?
392
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:20,959
You had a choice between lyndsey
393
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,493
And this house,
394
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,229
And you chose this house?
395
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,397
Yep.
396
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:29,534
Okay, you gave up a relationship
with a woman who knows
397
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:33,738
Everything about you
and still wants to be with you
398
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,140
Because you didn't want
to leave this house?
399
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,509
Yep.
400
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:39,911
Okay, as I'm saying
this out loud,
401
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,247
You are realizing what
a moron you are, aren't you?
402
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,715
Yep.
403
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,417
But-but I'm not the only one.
404
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,853
Ms. Mcmartin is perfect for you.
405
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,822
Come on, you're the one
who said she was crazy.
406
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,758
Yes, yes, but when you really
look at it, what has she done?
407
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,760
I mean, she fell in love
too quickly... Like you.
408
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,662
She only wants
what's best for louis...
409
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,097
Like you.
410
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,499
She's inexplicably
drawn to me...
411
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,268
Like you.
412
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:07,138
She did surprise me by cooking
my favorite meal naked.
413
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,407
Sadly, like you.
414
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,576
I mean, at least I-I traded
lyndsey for a house.
415
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,044
What did you trade
ms. Mcmartin for?
416
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,078
Nothing.
417
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,413
It's worse!
418
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,649
I traded her for you!
419
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:20,685
Oh, my god! We're idiots!
420
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:21,786
I know. We're gonna die alone!
421
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,756
Worse! We're gonna die
with each other!
422
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,090
Go to ms. Mcmartin!
423
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,525
I will! Go to lyndsey!
424
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:28,793
I will! I love you!
425
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,762
Oh, not the right time.
Knew that.
426
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,867
♪ Men. ♪
427
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:40,638
There you are.
428
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,806
(screams)
(grunting)
429
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,445
Walden?
430
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,780
Surprise.
431
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:49,881
Oh, I'm so sorry!
432
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,482
I thought you were an intruder.
433
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,785
But how did you get
in my apartment?
434
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,154
Well, I was gonna, um...
435
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,589
Rent the vacant apartment
above you,
436
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,091
And then rappel
down the building
437
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,794
And smash through the window,
like bruce willis in die hard.
438
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,796
But then I just looked
under your mat,
439
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,064
And I found your spare key.
440
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,766
Oh! That's for my cat psychic.
441
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:09,500
Wha...? Your what?
442
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,668
What do you want?
443
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,837
I-I remembered
that your favorite meal was
444
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,506
Pan-seared salmon
with orange miso glaze.
445
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:16,841
Oh, my god,
you made that for me?
446
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,509
No. Uh, I made...
447
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,911
Uh, grilled cheese since it's
448
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,313
The only thing
I know how to make.
449
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,782
But the important thing
is I remembered.
450
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,651
Well, that's very sweet.
451
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,586
But... Why?
452
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,688
I wanted to give us
another chance.
453
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,691
Oh... Oh, I don't know,
walden...
454
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:37,328
B-before you say anything else,
just... Listen to this.
455
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,364
♪ When a man
456
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,899
♪ loves a social worker.
457
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:45,937
♪ Men. ♪
458
00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:48,773
Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about
to leave for san francisco,
459
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,709
And I need a ticket
on the 7:35 flight.
460
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:53,945
Unfortunately,
there's only one seat left,
461
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,713
And that's in first class.
462
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,448
Oh, how much is it?
$1,100.
463
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,784
Oh, go to hell!
464
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,053
I'm sorry, that was not,
uh, directed at you.
465
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,689
Uh, you know what,
uh, uh, karen?
466
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,824
Uh, is it possible that someone
467
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,127
Who already has a coach seat
468
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,963
Could be bumped for some reason?
469
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,364
Or...
470
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,200
Say, if I give you...
471
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,869
Ten reasons?
472
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:22,874
And you give me
five reasons back?
473
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,144
Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.
474
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,746
And I certainly cannot
give you change for a bribe.
475
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:31,149
You don't understand
how important it is
476
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,518
For me to get this ticket!
477
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,154
I will do anything.
478
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,955
Anything.
479
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,825
Perhaps karen wants
480
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:43,027
To get her groove back?
481
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,696
There is one thing you can do.
482
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:46,731
Name it.
483
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,033
You can give me $1,100.
484
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,102
I just... I just need
to get to that gate
485
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,770
Before my girlfriend
boards that plane.
486
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,872
I-I need to tell her
that-that I-I love her
487
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:57,542
And I was wrong and I want
to spend my life with her.
488
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,444
I'm sorry, you should've
mentioned that before.
489
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:03,347
We have a special fare
for big romantic gestures.
490
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:06,651
And it's $1,100.
491
00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:08,853
Fine.
492
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,922
I'll go.
493
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,426
Karen: 1,100.
494
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,162
Love: Zero.
495
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:22,934
♪ When a man loves a woman
496
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,202
♪ he can't keep his mind...
497
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,237
I also remembered
how you love michael bolton.
498
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,239
(laughs)
499
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:32,043
Michael bublé.
500
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:33,911
Oh.
501
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,246
♪ If she's bad,
he can't... ♪
502
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,347
Bolton.
503
00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:38,983
You know any bublé?
504
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,952
God, no.
505
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,787
Okay, we're done here.
506
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,056
What are you looking at?
507
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:45,957
Get the hell
out of here, bolton!
508
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:47,325
Fine.
509
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,659
I gave up singing
the national anthem
510
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,027
At the lakers game for this.
511
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:55,466
♪ When a man loves
512
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,236
♪ grilled cheese sandwiches.
513
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,505
(door closes)
514
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,474
So, what do you say?
515
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,443
Will you give us another chance?
516
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,946
Walden, this is kind of
the man-woman playbook.
517
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,415
I dumped you, and now
you want to be with me
518
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,651
Because you want
what you can't have.
519
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,786
Oh, god, you're so smart.
Let's make out.
520
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,088
I'm serious.
521
00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:18,356
Well, so am I!
522
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,091
Come on, you're kind
and you're generous.
523
00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:22,193
And it... And it's cute
how you turn on the water
524
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,029
In the bathroom so you think
I can't hear you peeing.
525
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,864
Plus, we're good
in bed together.
526
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,199
True.
527
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,967
Although, after alan,
anyone was gonna look good.
528
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,036
Okay, I will give you,
like, a billion dollars
529
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:35,606
If you never
bring that up again.
530
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,108
Look, you don't have
to give me money
531
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:38,943
When you want me to do
something... just ask.
532
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,013
Why can't you be my husband?
533
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:49,554
I have to admit, it
would be kind of nice
534
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,489
To have bolton singing right now.
Oh.
535
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:56,027
♪ When a man loves a woman...
536
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,728
♪ men. ♪
537
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,137
Boarding pass?
Oh!
538
00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:08,005
Here you go, good sir.
539
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,308
This is a chinese takeout menu.
540
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:13,077
Okay, okay, um, I do not have,
541
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,345
Uh, a boarding pass.
542
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,647
But if you will let me
go to that gate,
543
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,050
I'll do anything.
544
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:22,053
Anything.
545
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,222
You can't go to the gate
without a boarding pass.
546
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,224
Have you ever been in love, sir?
547
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,025
Yes. With america.
548
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,194
Who I'm here to protect.
549
00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:32,830
That's why nobody gets through
without a boarding pass.
550
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,398
Someone left a bag unattended!
551
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,167
Lyndsey!
552
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,201
We've got a runner!
553
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:38,769
Lyndsey! Lyndsey!
554
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:39,770
Alan?
555
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,072
Lyndsey!
(stuttering)
556
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,877
I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love-
love-love you-you-you-you-you!
557
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:48,946
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm
p-p-p-p-peeing!