1 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,936 ♪ men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:05,771 (sighs) 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:06,939 I can't believe it. 4 00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:08,540 I know. 5 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,610 Since you let me do it to you, I had to let you do it to me. 6 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,012 Not that. 7 00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:15,781 Although, remind me to throw away that cat toy. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,350 No, I meant the fact that you are cheating 9 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,120 On your husband to sleep with your social worker. 10 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,422 You just described a fantasy I didn't know I had. 11 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,359 Naughty social worker. 12 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,962 Show me on the doll where I should touch you. 13 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:33,532 Okay, I need to keep romantically what I do here 14 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,802 Separate from what I do professionally out there. 15 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:37,970 Even though, in both cases, 16 00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:40,406 I seem to work with the jobless and homeless. 17 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,841 I think we have a professional relationship. 18 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,978 You gave us a kid, I gave you an orgasm. 19 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:49,448 Well, technically, both of those are still pending. 20 00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:54,153 But I'm serious. 21 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,655 If we're gonna do this, we have to establish some boundaries. 22 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,657 I mean, I'm overseeing walden's adoption of louis. 23 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:01,060 Right, right, I-I really don't want to mess that up. 24 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:04,430 It's just that I-I like spending time with you. 25 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,031 And I-- 26 00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,033 To my surprise-- 27 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,035 Like spending time with you. 28 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:12,604 I'm kind of like poison ivy. 29 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:15,974 You don't realize you've been exposed until you get that itch. 30 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,746 ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 31 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:23,782 ♪ ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 32 00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:30,122 ♪ men. ♪ 33 00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,292 Hey. 34 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,294 Oh, what's that? 35 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,197 Yes, I am wearing the same clothes as last night. 36 00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:41,800 Ask not for whom the booty calls. 37 00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:45,370 The booty calls for me. 38 00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,372 So I assume you're not gonna stop 39 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,640 Until I ask who it was. 40 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,042 A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, 41 00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,443 But I'm no gentleman, 42 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,378 And it's hard to kiss a woman from behind. 43 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,248 Alan, okay, who was it? 44 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,383 (laughing): I banged our social worker. 45 00:01:58,385 --> 00:01:59,985 Ms. Mcmartin? 46 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,253 Again? 47 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,654 What can I say? 48 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:05,157 She gave my penis a good home. 49 00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:07,659 I thought this was gonna be something that you did once, 50 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,129 Like manscaping with a straight razor. 51 00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:13,765 Please don't mess this up for me. 52 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,134 Oh, no, no, it's a good thing. 53 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,768 Uh, plus, we-we really like each other, 54 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,137 And we agreed to respect boundaries. 55 00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,771 You know-- personal life, professional life. 56 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,773 Okay, and what boundaries are you respecting 57 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,442 When you're bragging about having sex with her? 58 00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,811 That's just something a man wants to share with his husband. 59 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,446 (doorbell rings) 60 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,747 Oh, oh, that's ms. Mcmartin. 61 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,149 She's here to check up on louis. 62 00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,383 It was supposed to be a surprise. 63 00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:34,419 (stammering): Wait up, hold on... 64 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:35,687 She told you this? 65 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,923 No, she didn't tell me-- we have boundaries. 66 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:41,026 I saw it on her phone when I was going through her texts. 67 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,931 Hello, walden. 68 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,833 Ms. Mcmartin. 69 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,268 Hi. 70 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,103 What a surprise. 71 00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:52,504 Come on in. 72 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:57,342 Hey, girl. 73 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,346 You are social workin' it. 74 00:03:03,149 --> 00:03:04,550 Can I get you anything? 75 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,552 Like a new boyfriend? 76 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:09,555 Okay, so obviously alan told you about us. 77 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:10,722 Uh, yes, he has. 78 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,224 Look, I want you to know 79 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,626 This will in no way affect our professional relationship. 80 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:17,362 I am here strictly as your and louis's caseworker. 81 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,198 And let me tell you something right now, 82 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,066 I want to back that case up. 83 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:26,538 You know, alan, the lucky thing is that after I smack you, 84 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,374 There's already a social worker here to report it to. 85 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:32,578 So how is everything going with louis? 86 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,012 You know, it's good. 87 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,815 Uh, but I have a couple questions. 88 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:40,219 Like... Like, okay, for example, 89 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,187 What's the best way to discipline him? 90 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,623 Uh, I believe she favors spanking. 91 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:52,397 All right, what do I say 92 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:55,200 When he asks about his biological parents? 93 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:59,271 And how much cheese is too much cheese? 94 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,173 Okay, how about we just do one question at a time? 95 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:02,374 Okay, okay. 96 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,742 There's some cultural things, like-- 97 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,178 Should I teach him a cool handshake, 98 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,746 Or does that just make me lame? 99 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,581 Good question, bro. 100 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:13,585 Blow it up. 101 00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:16,555 You know what might help? 102 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,190 Talking to other foster parents. 103 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:19,758 Actually, some of my dads have started 104 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,093 An informal support group. 105 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,095 They kick around these kind of questions every week. 106 00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,263 Oh, that'd be great for you. 107 00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,697 Uh, I went to a group for divorced dads, 108 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,132 And it really helped. 109 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,735 Uh, I also went to a group for people whose moms died, 110 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,503 But, uh, that was just wishful thinking. 111 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,774 ♪ men. ♪ 112 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,776 Hey, buddy. Berta's gonna watch you 113 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,278 When I go to my meeting tonight, okay? 114 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,445 Okay. 115 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,547 We're gonna have a lot of fun. 116 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:45,651 Remember the last time when we learned about animals and math? 117 00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:47,719 Yep. Wow, what'd you learn? 118 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,022 A trifecta is a sucker bet. 119 00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:52,491 And? 120 00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:55,360 Horses run faster when they poop before the race. 121 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,764 The kid's a sponge. 122 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,232 Good morning. 123 00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaking of sponges. 124 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,734 Morning. 125 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,102 Big plans for the day? 126 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,504 I got my first dads group tonight. 127 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,939 Oh. And before that, louis and I are gonna go to the movies. 128 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,007 Then I'm gonna hit the gym. 129 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,075 Oh, you know what? 130 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,343 Why don't we go to the gym first? 131 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,911 That way, we can steal some waters 132 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,446 So we can sneak them into the movies. 133 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,281 You want to go? 134 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,450 Uh, isn't today when you go to the farmer's market 135 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,319 And bargain for bruised peaches? 136 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,920 I can just go to the supermarket. 137 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,022 They're all bruised when you bring a sharpie. 138 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,825 I want to spend the day with you. 139 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,828 Oh, great. 140 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,432 You know, it's just that I-I was gonna head straight from the gym 141 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,033 To the meeting. 142 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,368 So... 143 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,270 If you go... 144 00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:39,871 Oh, oh, I get it. Say no more. 145 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,006 Thank you. 146 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,341 You can just drop me off on your way. 147 00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:44,876 Mmm, what do you want for dinner? 148 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,878 I don't know. 149 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,280 Who thinks about dinner 150 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,482 When you're still swallowing your breakfast? 151 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,451 I'll have hot dogs. 152 00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,153 Where are you going? 153 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:58,790 I'm gonna do something to help me run faster. 154 00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:03,228 ♪ men. ♪ 155 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,629 Hey, fellas, the new guy's here. 156 00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:05,831 Hey. Man: Hey. 157 00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,332 Hey, you going to spin class, sweetie? 158 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,468 Yep. See you later. 159 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,402 Hey, I'm rick. 160 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,204 Hey. Walden. Nice to meet you. 161 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,538 Nice to meet you. Your daughter is very nice. 162 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,375 Yes, she is, but that was my wife. 163 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,010 My daughter's 40. 164 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,413 That's way too old for me. 165 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:23,415 This is leo, and that's jack. 166 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,350 Hi. Hi. Hey. Hey, nice to meet you. 167 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:26,985 That's, uh, brian over there. 168 00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:30,155 Just had newborn twins, so he just comes here to sleep. 169 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,591 Yeah, you could fart in his face, he won't even wake up. 170 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,992 Ah. 171 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:34,993 Here you go. Oh, thank you. 172 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,495 This place is amazing. 173 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,663 You got a bar, and the pool table, and the tvs. 174 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:41,366 You just add some hot chicks, orange paint and an owl, 175 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,201 And you got a hooters. 176 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:44,369 (laughing) 177 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,438 Maybe heidi can serve us beers when she gets back. 178 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,441 Why not? That's what she was doing when I met her. 179 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,277 So, uh, what's your kid situation? 180 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,512 Uh, I got a boy. 181 00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,446 Uh, his name's louis. 182 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:55,881 He's six. 183 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:59,384 Uh, he likes minecraft and legos and, apparently, 184 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:02,187 Twice as much cheese as what doctors recommend. 185 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,389 Nice. I got three daughters. 186 00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,358 I always wanted a son, so, uh, we adopted josh. 187 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,893 Now I got half a girl's volleyball team 188 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,428 And a boy who wants to be their cheerleader. 189 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,596 But I love him-- no judgment. 190 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,567 My wife and I adopted a four-year-old girl, micah. 191 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,736 I also do alarm systems, in case you're in the market. 192 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,137 Give me your contact info, 193 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,139 I'll put you down on my weekly e-mail blast. 194 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,574 All the guys get it. 195 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,475 (imitating cough): Mark as spam. 196 00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,110 (chuckles) 197 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,711 That is funny. 198 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,080 Jack's alarm code is #227. 199 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:32,150 I got three grown kids from my first marriage, 200 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,586 And heidi and I just adopted a seven-year-old girl. 201 00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,588 Wow. You must really love kids. 202 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,990 Kids are fine. What I love is heidi. 203 00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:41,092 You saw her. 204 00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,828 When I was in college, 205 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,530 Her mother was in sixth grade. 206 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,833 And if you think about it, 207 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,168 My next wife isn't even born yet. 208 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,407 So, uh, why did you and your wife choose to adopt? 209 00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:58,176 My wife is incapable of having children. 210 00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,444 Oh. Oh. Oh. 211 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,412 Yeah, his name is alan. 212 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:02,013 Oh. Oh. Oh. 213 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,448 A-although, uh, 214 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,450 He did order boner pills from china once 215 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,118 That made him lactate. 216 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,587 (chuckles) 217 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,855 (chuckles) uh, 218 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,790 So, anything going on with louis? 219 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,625 Yeah, you know, I have a couple questions 220 00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,494 That-that you're the perfect person to answer. 221 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,095 Why is that? 222 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,332 'cause I'm handsome? Charming? 223 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,701 College graduate? Top home security specialist 224 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,803 In the south bay three years running? 225 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,006 Yes, that... 226 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,009 Louis is also all those things. 227 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,944 I'm just messing with you! 228 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,479 (chuckles) yeah. 229 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:37,482 Ms. Mcmartin told us your kid was mixed-race. 230 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,717 So what do you want to know? 231 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,952 Uh, do you want to know how to comb his hair? 232 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,821 Uh, what type of music to expose him to? 233 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,656 Do I need to teach him a cool handshake? 234 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,658 So that's-that's actually a thing? 235 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,895 Yeah, yeah. Here, let me show you, let me show you. Oh. 236 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,897 Huh? Huh? Ooh. 237 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,164 That is cool. 238 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,666 And you just did it 239 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,535 To hand me your business card. 240 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,570 Yeah. If you tell me that I sent you, 241 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,639 Then you get 20% off. 242 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,543 By the way, have you seen my wife? 243 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,511 ♪ men. ♪ 244 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,346 Hey, uh, thanks for having me. 245 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,682 You know, this is great. I-I don't think I knew it, 246 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,017 But I needed a place like this. 247 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,852 You mean a place to get away from our wives? 248 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,353 Preach! 249 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,756 Wait, why do you need a place? You're married to a guy. 250 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,559 Your only problem is, do I watch sportscenter before, 251 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,561 During or after sex? 252 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,730 Uh, actually, it's-it's a little more complicated than that. 253 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:26,731 What do you mean? 254 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,066 I mean, well, imagine... 255 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,769 All of the wife and none of the sex. 256 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,505 Yeah, we don't need to imagine. We're married, too. 257 00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:35,707 I don't know what you guys are talking about. 258 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,609 I get all the sex I can handle. 259 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,879 Which, at my age, is about once a month. 260 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:44,683 Can-can I share something that doesn't leave this room? 261 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,686 Yeah, sure. Oh, these guys know that back when I was single... 262 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,421 (whispers): I used to bang his sister. 263 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,392 Okay, here's the thing. 264 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,027 I'm not gay. 265 00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:58,597 I-I married my best friend 266 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,065 So I could adopt louis. 267 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,533 Really? 268 00:10:01,535 --> 00:10:04,102 Then you shouldn't have any of these problems. 269 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,371 And yet I have all of these problems. 270 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,440 I mean, that's why it's so great coming here. 271 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,941 I get to get away from alan. 272 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,644 I mean, he wants to do everything with me. 273 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,847 He ordered a groupon for two-for-one prostate exams. 274 00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,417 Are your wives that clingy? 275 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,586 Oh, yeah. My wife just bought golf clubs 276 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:24,055 So she could ruin golf for me. 277 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:27,826 My wife's outside waiting in the minivan. 278 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,595 Yeah, even I have to get away from heidi every now and then. 279 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,665 Do you know what the worst "wife" thing is? 280 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,901 When you forget to ask them, "how was your day?" 281 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,236 Oh. No, no, 282 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,138 The worst thing is when you ask alan, 283 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,674 "how was your day?" and he answers. 284 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,744 You know, it's funny-- I-I always thought 285 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,579 Being married to a guy would be different. 286 00:10:47,581 --> 00:10:49,614 In some ways, it is. I mean, uh... For example, 287 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,683 I imagine that you guys enjoy it 288 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,618 When you walk in on your wives masturbating. 289 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,186 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah... 290 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,255 Oh, no! 291 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,925 ♪ men. ♪ 292 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,595 Hey, there you are. We didn't get to talk yesterday. 293 00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,630 How was your day? 294 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,632 Great. How was your... 295 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,467 Day? 296 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,469 Oh, oh, it was the worst. 297 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,638 Fade in: Supermarket. There were only two lanes open, 298 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,206 But there must have been 30 of us. 299 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,176 30? Wow, that's an amazing end to that story. 300 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,378 I wish. You know they don't give you bags anymore? 301 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,380 If you want a bag, that's ten cents. 302 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,382 Ten cents. That's outrageous. 303 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,884 That's six bruised peaches. 304 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,820 Uh, anyway, so I-I went out to the parking lot 305 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,821 And there was a... Alan, can... 306 00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,790 Can we just jump to the end? 307 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:34,292 She agreed not to press charges. 308 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:38,663 Okay, that is the end to, like, way too many of your stories. 309 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,799 So, uh, how did your foster dads group go? 310 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,667 I-I texted you, but you never answered. 311 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,636 Really? 312 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:47,238 I... That's... I must not have gotten it. 313 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,542 Are you sure? Uh, it says it was read at 7:47. 314 00:11:51,877 --> 00:11:54,746 I guess it was ignored at 7:48. 315 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:57,649 Dads group was really fun. 316 00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,517 Yeah, I think it's gonna be really gonna helpful for louis. 317 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,486 Oh, great, great. Uh, when are you gonna do it again? 318 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,321 Uh... Well, you know, I was gonna actually 319 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,689 Have the guys over tonight. 320 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:07,425 Tonight? The place is a mess. 321 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,661 And the good wiis on. 322 00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:10,929 Mmm. 323 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,498 Well, I do want to meet the guys, though. 324 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,701 Oh. Well, you know, it's a... It's actually, it's a pretty 325 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,403 Tight-knit group, so... 326 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,572 I don't think people will be able to open up 327 00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,006 If there's a stranger around. Besides, don't... 328 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,942 Don't you and ms. Mcmartin have a thing tonight? 329 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,511 Nope. Uh-uh. Free as a boner in sweat pants. 330 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,379 No. Come on. 331 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:31,182 You deserve a thing, so... 332 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,751 Here. 333 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,953 Well, I-I do deserve a thing. 334 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,254 Hey, hey-- you only give me money 335 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,589 When you're trying to get rid of me. 336 00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,592 No, I don't. Here, take more money. 337 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,762 Wait, hold on. Do you... 338 00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:45,230 Do you not want me around tonight? 339 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,732 No, it's just... It's just... 340 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,701 I had fun last night, 341 00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:51,970 And I want to have fun again tonight. 342 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:55,373 I see. And webster's defines fun as having 343 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,576 Or pertaining to the absence of alan. 344 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:01,412 From the latin: Hurticus feelingsmus. 345 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,915 Okay, are you really asking why I don't want you around 346 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,750 While you're talking like that? 347 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:06,985 Oh, so you really don't want me around? 348 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,455 Yes, or as defined in webster's, affirmative. 349 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,123 Don't take my dictionary thing. Well, 350 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,958 At least you have a thing. 351 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,660 I don't have anything for myself. 352 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,129 I mean, every time I turn around, there you are. 353 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:21,800 Oh, what? Let's just do it. Look, oh, there you are. 354 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:24,235 Well, I'm sorry if my presence offends you. 355 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,637 If bags weren't ten cents apiece, 356 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:26,805 I'd put one over my head. 357 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,841 Listen, I just want one thing for myself. 358 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,577 One thing where you're not around. 359 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:33,945 Is that too much to ask? 360 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,581 Fine. If that's how you feel, you know, 361 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:40,418 Have your stupid little group all to yourself in our house. 362 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:43,988 But don't expect me to wait to watch the good wife. 363 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:47,492 ♪ men. ♪ 364 00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:52,997 ♪ men. ♪ 365 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:56,000 And here's a picture of heidi on a nude beach in cancún. 366 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,470 Whoa. I can see her can. 367 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,906 And her cún. 368 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,046 Alan? 369 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,548 I thought you had a thing. 370 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,851 Well, if you saw my feet after the paraffin dip, 371 00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:15,019 You'd know I already had my thing. 372 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,357 Don't worry, I won't spoil your little party. 373 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,860 You must be the dads who are part of the group. 374 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,463 I'm the dad who's not part of the group. 375 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,199 And here we go. 376 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,370 Hey, hey, why don't... Why don't you have a beer? 377 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:35,006 Oh, no, I'll be in my room. I can amuse myself. 378 00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,308 I have a half bag of cheetos and a radio. 379 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,651 Oh, hey, hey, come on, man. 380 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:50,521 No. Please stay. 381 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,992 Well, when the boss says jump, I say how... Hi. I'm alan. 382 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,894 Wow, what a fun way to meet someone. 383 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,695 Here you go. There you go. 384 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,831 Oh. Thank you, thank you. So, uh, so what's going on? 385 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,600 Or-or should I say whassup?! 386 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,335 You remember that? 387 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,037 You guys... You guys remember that? Remember? 388 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,573 Whassup?! 389 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,911 That is the whitest guy I have ever seen. 390 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,746 Wait, wait, is that all you're serving? 391 00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:17,048 Chips? Not even in a bowl? 392 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,116 You should be embarrassed. 393 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,785 Oh, trust me, I'm embarrassed. 394 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,621 Look, nobody cares. 395 00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,423 Alan seems to care, and you care 396 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,925 About alan's feelings, don't you? 397 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,661 Ooh, I like him. Two points for the silver fox. 398 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,931 Maybe I'll just, uh, throw together some nachos. 399 00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,366 We're fine. The... Hey, I don't want you 400 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,902 To go to all the trouble. See? I'm thinking about you. 401 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,038 It's no trouble. It's just, uh, chips, uh... 402 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,141 (with accent): Guacamole, uh, jalapeños and, uh, queso fresco. 403 00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,044 My wife's idea of nachos 404 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,579 Is just dumping some salsa on chips. 405 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,915 Well, I'm nacho average wife. 406 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,451 (laughing) 407 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:56,087 ♪ men. ♪ 408 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,222 So this guy-- I bail him out completely, 409 00:15:58,224 --> 00:15:59,657 Agree to marry him, 410 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,492 And guess what we do on our wedding night. 411 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,329 I-I don't need to hear that. No judgment. 412 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,764 Nothing. We came straight home. 413 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,299 Same place we went on our honeymoon. 414 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:11,803 The guy has a jet. How hard is it to go to aruba? 415 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:12,804 Jamaica. 416 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,572 ♪ ooh, I wanna take you 417 00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,773 ♪ to bermuda 418 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,843 ♪ bahama, come on, pretty mama ♪ 419 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,845 ♪ key largo, montego 420 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:24,949 ♪ baby, why don't we go ♪ ooh, I want to take you down to kokomo ♪ 421 00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,584 ♪ we'll get there fast 422 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,653 ♪ and then we'll take it slow 423 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:32,490 ♪ that's where we want to go 424 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,792 ♪ way down in kokomo 425 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:35,960 ♪ martinique 426 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,862 ♪ that monserrat mystique. 427 00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:40,231 (all whooping, laughing) 428 00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:42,867 That is my jam, 429 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,869 And y'all are my bitches. 430 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:46,938 ♪ men. ♪ 431 00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:53,044 What the hell are you doing? 432 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:56,180 I'm just being a fun guy. What are you doing? 433 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,884 You're about as much fun as the polyp in rick's colon. 434 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,519 You're doing exactly what I thought you would. 435 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,021 You're taking my friends. 436 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:04,655 Just like you take everything. 437 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,391 You took my house, you took my money, 438 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,027 You even took my old jeans and turned 'em into cutoffs. 439 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,829 They're called jorts, and they look great on me. Okay, 440 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,498 You knew I didn't want you here 441 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,500 And you said you weren't gonna be here, 442 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,901 Yet here you are 443 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,236 With your... (with accent): Guacamole 444 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,872 And your fresco queso. 445 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:24,242 It's queso fresco. You do not correct me when I'm mocking you. 446 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,710 You know what? You know what? I think... 447 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,812 I think that the reason that you didn't want me here 448 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,013 Is because you were afraid 449 00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:30,681 That they were gonna like me better than you. 450 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,084 Okay, I can honestly say that I have never 451 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,520 Had that thought in my life. 452 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,255 Everything okay in here? 453 00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,826 Well, am I allowed 454 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,195 To answer your friends, walden? 455 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,097 I'm sorry you guys had to see this. 456 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,166 Oh, come on, we've all been there. 457 00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,535 I mean, just a while back, jack's wife chased him 458 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,737 Around his house with a steak knife. 459 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,505 Trust me, I was in no danger. 460 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,842 She couldn't use a kitchen utensil to save her life. 461 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,844 We can help you work though this. 462 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,212 That's what the group is for. 463 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,680 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, 464 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,216 Hey, why don't we do some role playing? 465 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,085 Okay, you're... You're, uh, alan, 466 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,787 And you just found out that walden 467 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:12,023 Doesn't want you around his friends. 468 00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:14,225 Fine. Thank you, walden, 469 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,694 For letting me live here rent-free. 470 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:19,564 Despite not contributing anything to this household, 471 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,033 I ignore even your most basic requests. 472 00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,801 Um... You're not really supposed to use this 473 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:25,069 To attack. Wait, 474 00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,637 Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 475 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,206 I'm walden, and I get off 476 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,041 On making alan feel bad about himself. 477 00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:33,744 Well, I'm alan, and I get off on everything. 478 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,113 Including the stock photos 479 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,615 That come from the picture frames from target. 480 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,418 That was one time. The internet was down, 481 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,987 And-and she reminded me of a girl I knew in high school. 482 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:46,157 Yeah, we've all been there. Sears catalog. 483 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,291 Neiman marcus. 484 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,161 The indian girl from the land o'lakes box. 485 00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:54,499 Okay, you know what, I'm sick of having the same fight 486 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:55,833 Over and over again. 487 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,069 You know, why do we keep doing this? 488 00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:00,338 'cause you love him and he loves you. 489 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,740 Also, where am I? 490 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,510 Oh, hey, brian, I know you've been asleep for a few meetings, 491 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,012 But walden told us they're not actually gay. 492 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,248 I know they're not gay. I said they love each other. 493 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,916 It's the only thing that can explain 494 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,584 Why they make each other so crazy. 495 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,122 You chose to adopt this kid together for a reason. 496 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,757 Why don't you talk about that? 497 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,159 (cell phone beeps) 498 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,694 Oh, god, my wife said the twins are sick. 499 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,129 I got to go. 500 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,665 Back to sleep. 501 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,035 By the way, not cool about my sister. 502 00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:33,004 No judgment? 503 00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:37,808 I'm alan. 504 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,878 And I'm always there for walden whenever he needs me the most. 505 00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:44,215 And I do look good in jorts. 506 00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:48,886 And my nachos are restaurant quality. 507 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,191 Well, I'm walden, and, uh, 508 00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:56,460 I've been the best friend that alan's ever had. 509 00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:58,362 (short chuckle) and also, 510 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,031 I'm not angry about the 20s 511 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,333 He occasionally steals from my wallet. 512 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,635 I'm sorry I said I didn't want you around. 513 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,571 I'm sorry I was smothering you. 514 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,206 Oh... Bring it in. I'm s... 515 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,807 Come on. 516 00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:13,211 Hey, hey... 517 00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:14,645 You know where we should go? 518 00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,216 ♪ bermuda, bahama 519 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,018 ♪ come on, pretty mama 520 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,354 ♪ to key largo, montego, baby why don't we go? ♪ 521 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:26,057 Wait, are you really taking me to... No. 522 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,160 ♪ the florida keys, there's a place called koko... ♪ 523 00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:30,995 ♪ men. ♪ 524 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,334 ♪ men. ♪ I just want to tell you guys, 525 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,202 I love being a part of this group. 526 00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,737 And we love having you, alan. 527 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,539 Oh, well, thank you. So, as I was saying, 528 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,374 Why is it that I'm willing to take 529 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,909 Three hours to make him dinner 530 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,778 And he won't take three seconds to tell me what he wants? 531 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,248 Speaking of three seconds, can we talk about the sex? 532 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,317 (scoffs) at least you're having sex, sister.