1 00:00:00,633 --> 00:00:02,601 Previously on two and a half men... 2 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,603 Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents, 3 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:05,938 But you two are different somehow. 4 00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:07,473 I know we can be good parents. 5 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,241 It is my job to be a hundred percent sure 6 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,409 Before I place a child. 7 00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,411 We are not believable as a loving couple, 8 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,214 And I think that's why ms. Mcmartin wasn't sure about us. 9 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:18,650 All right, yeah. 10 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,986 We do that in front of ms. Mcmartin, we'll get ten babies. 11 00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:24,323 ♪ men. ♪ 12 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,992 Whew, that was fun. Whew. 13 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,661 That was like a roller coaster. 14 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,998 Yeah, we went up, we went down. 15 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,434 There was the loop-de-loop. 16 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,569 Yeah, they-they say you want to sit in the front, 17 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,471 But I had a great time in the back. 18 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,473 Yeah, you know, I'm not sure about that picture 19 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,641 We took at the end. 20 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,276 I think I was making a funny face. 21 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,645 Yeah. 22 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,481 Hey, have you ever gotten busy in a public place, 23 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,517 Like a theme park, before? 24 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:54,186 I mean, uh, there was one time in the chicago airport. 25 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:57,189 I met this girl on a long layover. 26 00:00:57,191 --> 00:01:01,126 Let's just say my bag was never left unattended. 27 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:03,562 What about you? 28 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:07,566 Well, if you get me a hot cup of coffee, 29 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:11,437 I'll, uh, tell you about my high school trip to mount rushmore. 30 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,440 Okay, please tell me it doesn't involve four old guys 31 00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,341 On top of a mountain. 32 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:19,611 I went to an all-girls school. 33 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,613 Coffee, coming up! 34 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,385 Oh, hey. Hey. 35 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:28,020 Okay, I don't know what was going on 36 00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:29,221 Up there with laurel, but... 37 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,428 Rich, handsome and a master of the boudoir. 38 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,897 You're everything I think I am when I'm drunk. 39 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,332 What can I say? 40 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,968 I got a magical tongue, and I can breathe through my ears. 41 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,573 Were you just sitting down here, listening to laurel and me? 42 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,242 (doorbell rings) no, that would be sad. 43 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,844 I was also couponing. 44 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,449 Hey. 45 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,084 How's my favorite couple? 46 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:02,154 My bros without hos. 47 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,156 Ms. Mcmartin, uh... 48 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,524 What are you doing here? 49 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,893 Well, I told you guys the state requires 50 00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:11,563 A couple surprise inspections to check in on louis's home life. 51 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,698 Surprise! 52 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,634 I am definitely surprised. 53 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,369 Clearly... Captain underpants. 54 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,537 Oh. 55 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,239 Right, yeah, well, I wasn't expect... 56 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,709 You know, louis isn't here; he's actually, he's at a sleepover. 57 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:26,678 So, I guess you came all this way to see me in my skivvies. 58 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,013 (chuckles) 59 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,082 Worth the trip in my book. 60 00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:34,386 Instagram. 61 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,855 Hashtag: He's bringing booty back. 62 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,590 Thanks, honey. 63 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,759 Uh, well, it was, uh, it was good to see you. 64 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,928 Oh, actually, I can just talk to you guys. 65 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,897 Great, even better. 66 00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:46,064 (stammers) come on in. 67 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,399 Uh, you know, I'm gonna run upstairs 68 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,500 And put on some pants. 69 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,735 Laurel: Walden? 70 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,071 Who was that? 71 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,207 Oh, that was my pants. 72 00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:57,876 Here I come, pants! 73 00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,044 (chuckles) stay there! 74 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,245 What are you talking about? 75 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:01,980 Oh, hi. Sorry. 76 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,515 What's going on? 77 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,017 Uh... 78 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:07,953 You're cheating on me?! 79 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,123 I want half! 80 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,694 ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 81 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,664 ♪ ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 82 00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:24,102 ♪ men. ♪ 83 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,504 You lied to me. 84 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,773 I never would have placed louis here had I known 85 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,441 You guys weren't actually a couple. 86 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,610 I can explain. Oh, go ahead, I'd love to hear it. 87 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,212 She's my sister. 88 00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:37,316 Where was that five minutes ago? 89 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,952 There's no explanation for what you did. 90 00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,553 I may have to remove louis. 91 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:42,888 Okay, I-I know this looks bad, 92 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,556 But our hearts were in the right place. 93 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,391 Yeah, even if our penises weren't. 94 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,628 Th-the only thing that we're guilty of 95 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:50,796 Is putting on a little show. 96 00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,264 A little show? 97 00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,466 Every time I see this one, he acts like he's auditioning 98 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,467 To host the tonys. 99 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,903 N-no, that's just alan. 100 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:00,539 Yeah, I-it's true. 101 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:01,873 Uh, name any musical, anybody. 102 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,208 Okay, uh, west side story. 103 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,876 ♪ I like to be in america ♪ 104 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,378 ♪ okay by me in america 105 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:07,713 ♪ everything free in america... ♪ 106 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,448 Okay, stop. 107 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:14,386 Well, excuse me, officer krupke. 108 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,121 Listen, we may not be gay, 109 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:17,823 But we are definitely a stable couple. 110 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:19,725 Yeah, until the adoption is final, 111 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,159 And then you'll, what, get divorced? 112 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,227 Are you kidding me? 113 00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,495 If this one has his way, 114 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,530 He's gonna be with me for the rest of my life. 115 00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:26,765 Alan: Longer. 116 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,734 I bought us side-by-side cemetery plots. 117 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,068 No, he's not kidding. 118 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,070 And he gave it to me for my birthday, 119 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,405 And I pretended to like it, 120 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,274 Because that's what loving couples do. 121 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:38,010 You pretended to like it? 122 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,444 See that? See, that's real. 123 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,947 And I'm gonna hear about it for the rest of the night. 124 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:44,616 Y-you want to take louis away from us 125 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,851 Just because we don't have sex? 126 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,152 I mean, I can honestly tell you 127 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:48,854 That we have as much sex as I had 128 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,088 In either of my previous marriages. 129 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,690 None of that matters. 130 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,525 N-no, of course it matters. 131 00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,127 Because we're not lying. 132 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:57,796 We are best friends, and we are married. 133 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,531 And we do love each other. 134 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,034 And I'm sorry, but just, you know, how many people can say 135 00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:04,169 That they are married to their best friend? 136 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:08,206 Alan harper-schmidt can. 137 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:11,710 My job is to do what's in the best interest of the child. 138 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,445 Now I have to reevaluate what that is. 139 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,613 But him living here... 140 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:16,214 No, I don't want to hear anything else from you guys. 141 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,349 I'll be in touch. 142 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,653 I can't lose this kid. 143 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,089 D-don't go there. Nothing's been decided yet. 144 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,757 Well, other than the fact 145 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,694 That you don't want to be buried next to me. 146 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,029 This is a disaster. 147 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,864 We're gonna lose everything that we worked for 148 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,866 Over one stupid mistake. 149 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,935 It's my chiropractic license all over again. 150 00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:41,273 Your hand slips into one butt crack. 151 00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,210 ♪ men. ♪ 152 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,079 What you drawing? 153 00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:48,613 It's us. We're the justice league. 154 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:49,948 You're batman. 155 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,116 I'm batman? 156 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,217 I mean... 157 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:53,585 (deep, gravely voice): I'm batman. 158 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,921 Is that superman? 159 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:56,955 That's me. 160 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,223 Oh, and, uh, there's wonder woman. 161 00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,291 Is that berta? 162 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:00,392 That's you. 163 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,696 Oh, well, that's, uh, a little inaccurate, don't you think? 164 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,032 I mean, uh, I wish I had those shoulders. 165 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,601 And, uh, and who's that? 166 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,636 That's timothy; he's aquaman. 167 00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,205 Why can't I be aquaman? 168 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,007 Because aquaman can keep himself afloat. 169 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:19,044 I drew it 'cause we're a team now. 170 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,712 That's right. 171 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,814 (voice breaking): We're a team that's never gonna break up. 172 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:26,351 Stay strong, wonder woman. 173 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,819 Can we go to the park? 174 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,654 I don't see why not. 175 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,556 Yes, we have to live in the moment. 176 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,193 "gather ye rosebuds while ye may." 177 00:06:36,195 --> 00:06:38,997 And you ask why you're wonder woman. 178 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,466 Hey, why don't you go and get your shoes on, 179 00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:42,834 And we'll get going, okay? 180 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,169 Cool! 181 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,871 You're the best dad ever. 182 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,806 Oh, my god. 183 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:48,974 Did you hear that? 184 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,142 He used the "d" word. 185 00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:52,144 I more than heard it, I felt it. 186 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:53,812 But I am not gonna cry. 187 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:54,980 That's right. 188 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,249 We got to stay strong in front of the kid. 189 00:06:57,251 --> 00:07:00,318 We can't let him know something's going on. 190 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,121 (voice breaking): 'cause that's what a... A good dad does. 191 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,190 I'm gonna go get my jacket. 192 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:08,560 I feel so bad for him. 193 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,295 Well, what are you gonna do about it? 194 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,230 There's nothing I can do. 195 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,900 Just gonna throw in the towel before the first round? 196 00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,101 What? 197 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,737 Let me put it in terms you'll understand. 198 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:21,840 You're crapping your tutu before the ballet starts. 199 00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:25,243 After all that walden's done for you, 200 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:28,613 You have to help him keep ahold of louis. 201 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,515 How? I don't know. 202 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:33,919 But if there is anybody in the world that can figure out 203 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:37,289 How to keep somebody in this house, it's you. 204 00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:40,325 ♪ men. ♪ 205 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,936 Um, is this seat taken? 206 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,804 Uh, actually, no, it's... 207 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,607 What are you doing here? 208 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:56,942 Did you follow me? 209 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,109 No. 210 00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,345 But I knew you were here because of the picture 211 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,680 You posted of your bruschetta. 212 00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,648 This is completely inappropriate. 213 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,351 And only jackasses say "brew-sketta." 214 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:09,821 Just-just hear me out, I need to talk to you about louis. 215 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,389 The time to talk to me about louis was 216 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,757 Before you lied to me to get him. 217 00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,259 I only need five minutes. 218 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,427 I-I'll even pay for your dinner. 219 00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:16,761 I mean, if you really knew me, 220 00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,597 You'd know what a big deal that is. 221 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,098 Fine, five minutes. 222 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,433 Thank you. 223 00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,168 Oh, and if you want anything else, order fast-- 224 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,936 The happy hour prices are about to go away. 225 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,172 What do you have to say? 226 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,007 (sighs) look... 227 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,176 Walden is really a great guy. 228 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,844 All he wanted was to be a dad, 229 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,846 And he tried everything he could think of. 230 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,516 I mean, he only married me because I was his last resort. 231 00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,184 I'm like peeing in a gatorade bottle 232 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,852 When you're stuck in traffic. 233 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,756 Nobody wants to do it, but sometimes it's your only option. 234 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,425 You know what a last resort looks like? 235 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:50,428 Like a 33-year-old woman who devoted herself to her career 236 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,097 Because she had nothing else and then realized 237 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,266 She's not even good at that because she screwed up 238 00:08:54,268 --> 00:08:57,202 And gave a kid to two guys pretending to be a gay couple. 239 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,704 I was just named employee of the month. 240 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,107 Now I can't even use my $25 target gift card 241 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,341 Without feeling guilty. 242 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:07,445 You are a good employee and a good person. 243 00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:10,448 And, if it'll help, I'll, uh, I'll buy the gift card off you. 244 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,449 Uh, what's fair? 245 00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:13,285 Ten? 15? Ten? 246 00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:16,288 You know, the worst part of this is 247 00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:18,290 I actually liked you guys. 248 00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:20,292 I put your christmas card on my fridge. 249 00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:21,960 Now I don't even know who you are. 250 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,628 Who are those people on my fridge?! 251 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,697 We're the same two people that you trusted louis with 252 00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:26,965 In the first place. 253 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,300 This whole thing is a nightmare. 254 00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,135 Do you realize I could lose my job? 255 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,804 I have five cats to support. 256 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,472 I know, and I-I feel terrible 257 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,141 That we put you in this position. 258 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,877 Our only intent was to give a child in need a good home. 259 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:42,414 Well, I suppose I can't fault you for that. 260 00:09:44,383 --> 00:09:46,051 Great. 261 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,385 So... 262 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,054 We're done here, we get to keep louis, 263 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,389 And I'll give you eight bucks for the gift card. 264 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,358 I wish it was that simple. 265 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,628 I just don't know what the right thing to do is. 266 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:59,331 Okay, well, y-you don't have to decide right now. 267 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,566 Let's, uh, let's talk about it. 268 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:05,203 Um, uh, can I get an appletini, uh, sugar rim, extra zest? 269 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,106 You don't have to pretend to be gay anymore. 270 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,009 Oh-oh, yeah, uh, right, uh, uh... 271 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,344 Uh, make it a mojito. 272 00:10:12,346 --> 00:10:14,846 (whispers): Skinny. 273 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,182 So, uh, what do you say, ms. Mcmartin? 274 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,917 Uh, another chardonnay? 275 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,919 Eh, what the hell? 276 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,887 It's not like this week could get any worse. 277 00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:25,557 I can't believe I'm doing this. 278 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,225 I can't believe you're doing this either. 279 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,226 Oh, oh, alan. 280 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,228 Oh, ms. Mcmartin. 281 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,763 ♪ men. ♪ 282 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:39,137 ♪ men. ♪ 283 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,206 This is a disaster. 284 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,743 I'm sorry. 285 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:45,910 Come on, man. 286 00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,113 You like her. Rise and shine. 287 00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:50,181 What is wrong with me? 288 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,616 Oh, no, no, it's not you. 289 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:54,352 Uh, although, if I, uh, if I did have one note, uh, 290 00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,621 The beige granny panties didn't exactly move the needle. 291 00:10:56,623 --> 00:11:00,825 They're nude-colored, and they are my work panties. 292 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,927 Although your use of the word "needle" 293 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:05,664 Is anatomically accurate. 294 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,666 I am a grower, not a shower. 295 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,536 Why do I always make such a mess of things? 296 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,004 (crying): I'm sorry. 297 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,640 Don't be. 298 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:17,042 The crying's actually helping. 299 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,244 What? 300 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,613 Um, your weeping reminds me 301 00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:23,348 Of having sex with my first wife. 302 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,184 How did I get here? 303 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,019 I went to stanford. 304 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,922 I turned down a job on wall street to help save the world, 305 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,124 And now I'm in bed with an old guy 306 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,993 Who can't get a boner! 307 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,428 (sobbing) 308 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,064 Um, actually, that is no longer the case. 309 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,999 Seatbacks and tray tables 310 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,702 Are in their full upright position. 311 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:46,538 Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff. 312 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:47,939 Get out. 313 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,709 Oh. Oh, okay. 314 00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,610 Um... 315 00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,079 I, uh... 316 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:57,115 I, uh, hope this won't affect your decision about louis. 317 00:11:57,117 --> 00:12:00,285 I would hate it if you held my flaccid penis 318 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,353 Against walden. 319 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:07,325 ♪ men. ♪ 320 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,595 Oh, hey. 321 00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:11,930 Um, you're... You're still up. 322 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:14,466 It's 8:15. 323 00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:17,001 Oh, to be young again. 324 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,470 So, uh, what have you been doing? 325 00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:21,005 Oh, I-I was, uh, making a video montage 326 00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,174 Of the time we spent with louis. You want to see it? 327 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,443 Yeah. Yeah, great. 328 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:29,748 ♪ ooh, child, things are gonna get eas... ♪ 329 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,216 (music stops) 330 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,686 That's it? 331 00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:36,755 Yeah, we really should have taken more pictures. 332 00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,225 Where have you been? 333 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,127 Oh, I, uh... I, uh... 334 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,662 I went to, uh, see ms. Mcmartin. 335 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,931 Are you kidding me? 336 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,969 She told us to leave her alone. 337 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:54,105 Alan, when people say that to you, they mean it. 338 00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,942 Remember how you're not allowed to go to subway anymore 339 00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:01,045 And suggestively ask for "double meat"? 340 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,782 I-I was just trying to help us keep louis. 341 00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:06,217 Okay, tell me exactly what you did 342 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,752 So I can start to undo it. 343 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:10,155 O-okay. Um, I followed her to a bar... 344 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,890 Oh, god! 345 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,159 This is like the time that we saw kelly ripa 346 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,127 Outside the grocery store! 347 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,228 No. No, no, no. 348 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,164 So we-we had a few drinks, 349 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:22,000 Uh, and the funny part is, um, we ended up in bed. 350 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:25,904 You had sex with ms. Mcmartin?! 351 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,338 No! 352 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,706 No, I did not. 353 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:33,011 I was unable to maintain an erection. 354 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,615 This has gone from bad to worse. I might start crying. 355 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,484 I wouldn't. 356 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,955 ♪ men. ♪ 357 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,456 How you doing? 358 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,358 I've been better. 359 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,893 Well, you want to forget the pain 360 00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:50,662 Or you want to forget your name? 361 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,997 Got anything to help me forget alan? 362 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:56,634 If I did, I'd be asking you, "who's alan?" 363 00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:02,407 Listen, don't let yourself get too down. 364 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:04,509 It's like I tell my daughters, 365 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,878 No use crying until the verdict's read. 366 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,514 I tried to sway ms. Mcmartin. 367 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,249 She won't even take my calls. 368 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,984 Well, someone ought to tell her 369 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,887 That you are the best thing that ever happened for that kid. 370 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:18,590 I'm just worried about 371 00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:21,593 What will happen to him if she doesn't let me keep him. 372 00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:24,162 Being a foster kid makes you tough. 373 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,764 Before he goes, I'll teach him 374 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,167 How to make a shiv out of a krazy straw. 375 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:31,469 Thanks. 376 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,537 I needed a laugh. 377 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:35,039 Yeah, 'cause I'm kidding. 378 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,143 I don't want him to leave either. 379 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,745 He's a good kid, isn't he? 380 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,080 Yeah. 381 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:44,382 If I lose him, all I'm gonna have 382 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,217 Is a five-second photo montage 383 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,554 And a picture of alan as wonder woman. 384 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,123 Look, we're all in this together. 385 00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,993 Anything I can do for you, you let me know. 386 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,928 Thanks. I appreciate it. 387 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:01,332 You know, if you happen to know a guy who specializes 388 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,902 In making a father and son disappear, 389 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,837 You just might want to keep that number handy. 390 00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:08,106 I do know a guy 391 00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,475 That could sneak 80 pounds into the country. 392 00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:13,845 I don't see why he couldn't sneak 80 pounds out. 393 00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:18,049 ♪ men. ♪ 394 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,184 Ms. Mcmartin is 15 minutes late. 395 00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:22,420 You know, we might be a fraudulently gay couple, 396 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,788 But at least we're punctual. 397 00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:27,692 We're not the only ones who lied. 398 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,428 I know for a fact that blonde is not her natural hair color. 399 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,767 (doorbell rings) 400 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,268 That's her. 401 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,903 Yeah, and she better watch it, 402 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,371 'cause I am in mama grizzly mode. 403 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,006 Promise me you won't make this 404 00:15:42,008 --> 00:15:43,541 More awkward than it already is. 405 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:44,809 You got it, of course. 406 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,080 Ms. Mcmartin. 407 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:51,082 Hello, walden. 408 00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,216 Alan. 409 00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:58,990 'sup, girl? 410 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:03,094 Who's here? 411 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,495 Oh, hey, buddy. 412 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,297 Uh, it's ms. Mcmartin. 413 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,198 Hi, louis. 414 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,967 Hi. 415 00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,169 Hey, why don't you go in your room and play, uh, 416 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,171 While the grown-ups talk for a little. 417 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,339 Sure. Okay. 418 00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,508 You see how he handled that? 419 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,210 "let the grown-ups talk." 420 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,012 Supportive and gentle, 421 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:24,082 Not unlike your delightful beige work panties. 422 00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:29,320 Alan, let the grown-ups talk. 423 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,490 I've thought about this a long time, 424 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,960 And nobody wanted this to work out more than I did. 425 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,061 (sighs) 426 00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,497 Please don't do this. 427 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,865 I have to do my job, 428 00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:43,034 And the fact of the matter is you lied. 429 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,369 You committed fraud. 430 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,704 But we are legally married. 431 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:47,805 He is my best friend. 432 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:48,840 We're-we're good parents. 433 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,408 And-and clearly, we love each other. 434 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,809 Walden: Yes. 435 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,012 The-the only thing that we don't do 436 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,581 Is, well, "love" each other. 437 00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,452 But if that's the only reason that we don't get to keep louis, 438 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,788 I-is because I don't put my man parts 439 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,691 Into alan's... Mostly man parts... 440 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,261 ...Then we will have sex right here in front of you. 441 00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:13,398 I mean... Come on, alan. 442 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,899 Oh, okay. 443 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,435 Um... 444 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:18,603 Guys, stop. 445 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:19,804 No, I am serious! 446 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,672 I will have sex with alan right here 447 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,342 On the living room floor if we get to keep this kid! 448 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,910 Now, how can you say 449 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:29,147 That this isn't a great home for a child? 450 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:31,783 I know you're upset. 451 00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:33,284 I am, too. 452 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,619 But I've made up my mind. 453 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,286 No! 454 00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:38,056 This can't be it! 455 00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:40,324 Louis: I'm ready. 456 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:43,661 What are you doing, buddy? 457 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,496 Whenever ms. Mcmartin comes 458 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,232 And the grown-ups start yelling, I get taken away. 459 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,368 Oh, man. 460 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,537 I'm very sorry, louis. 461 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,139 What's going on? 462 00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:56,140 She's taking him. 463 00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:57,708 Berta: What? 464 00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,578 Hey, blondie, how many people know you're here? 465 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:05,850 Berta, it's okay. 466 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,585 And she's not a real blonde. 467 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,457 Come here. 468 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:15,326 I want you to know that this isn't your fault. 469 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:19,497 You didn't do anything wrong and you're a great kid. 470 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,165 I really liked it here. 471 00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:24,235 We are, uh... We're gonna miss you, kiddo. 472 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:27,238 Me, too. 473 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,840 Here. 474 00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:30,842 No. 475 00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:32,477 T-timothy's your best friend. 476 00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,645 He'll be your best friend now. 477 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:37,281 (sobs) 478 00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:41,352 Bye, louis. 479 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,254 Bye. Bye, berta. 480 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,789 So long, kid. 481 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,124 Come on, louis. 482 00:18:58,504 --> 00:19:01,038 I can't do this. 483 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,039 What? 484 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,041 No, the whole reason I took this job 485 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,243 Was to help kids. 486 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:08,012 No matter how we got here, 487 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,114 This is the best place for him. 488 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,415 Oh, this is amazing. 489 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,217 Come here, buddy. Oh! 490 00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:16,287 Did you grow while you were gone? 491 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,889 (laughs) no. 492 00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:19,090 No? 493 00:19:19,092 --> 00:19:21,259 Get ready for a mama bear hug. 494 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,493 Mama bear. (laughs) 495 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,395 Oh, my goodness, thank you. 496 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:26,597 No more lies. 497 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:27,698 No. 498 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,033 Unless my boss finds out about this. 499 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,301 Then I totally need you to lie. 500 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,038 Glad to have you back, kid. 501 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,407 Oh, and, ms. Mcmartin, 502 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,142 You might want to stay away from your house 503 00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,744 Until I can make some phone calls. 504 00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:43,948 Okay! Okay! 505 00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,249 Let's put your stuff away, buddy. 506 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,517 Hey, you know what? 507 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,818 You can have this now, 508 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,054 'cause I got my best friend back. 509 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,489 Technically, I'm your best friend. 510 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:52,490 (laughs) 511 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,725 And I never left. 512 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,060 Still, a touching moment. 513 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,130 That was really sweet of you. 514 00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,998 I feel good about it. 515 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,167 Today you earned your target gift card. 516 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,435 (laughs) 517 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,436 Thanks. 518 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,804 No, thank you. 519 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,341 (sniffles) 520 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,043 Oh. Oh, are you... Are you crying? 521 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,213 Yes, but... Tears of joy. 522 00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:23,721 Those work, too. 523 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,389 ♪ men. ♪ 524 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:30,361 ♪ men. ♪ wow! 525 00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,829 That was amazing! 526 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:32,897 Yep. 527 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,699 Alan may disappoint sometimes, 528 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,134 But a little blue pill never does. 529 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,870 Hey, could I ask you a personal question? 530 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,839 What do you consider personal? 531 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,508 I already let you try on my work panties. 532 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:47,578 Well... How do I put this? 533 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,648 Ms. Mcmartin, what's your first name?