1 00:00:00,433 --> 00:00:03,302 Previously on two and a half men... 2 00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,671 I'm not gay. Does alan know? 3 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,673 Can we kiss again? Yeah. 4 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,441 Do you want to go up to my... Let's go. 5 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,377 Oh... 6 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:14,146 Louis: Walden, can you come here? 7 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,714 It's fine. I-I've waited for two years. 8 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,416 I can wait a little bit longer. 9 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:19,685 Walden? 10 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:26,925 Parenting rule number four: Sleep is better than sex. 11 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,295 ♪ men. ♪ all right, louis, 12 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,197 Let's go over the rules again. 13 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:33,832 We don't talk to strangers. 14 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,634 Don't climb the rock wall alone. 15 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,703 And? 16 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,806 We don't eat anything we find in the ball pit. 17 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,207 All right, now, go have fun. 18 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,375 (squeals) 19 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,576 All right, alan, 20 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,378 Let's go over your rules. 21 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,981 Uh, if I find a wallet, I have to turn it in. 22 00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:52,017 Uh, no haggling over the corn dog prices. 23 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,552 And? 24 00:00:54,754 --> 00:00:56,655 No standing underneath the moms 25 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,424 On the rock wall. The rock wall. Yes. 26 00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,926 Oh, great. 27 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:01,827 What? 28 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:03,228 Laurel's here. 29 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,396 Alan: Oh. 30 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,365 So go talk to her. 31 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,233 What am I supposed to say? "I'm sorry about our date. 32 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,169 "it's just that I prefer sleeping with a six-year-old kid 33 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,737 To sleeping with you." 34 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,807 Oh, oh, it's okay. I'm-I'm talking about my own son. 35 00:01:16,709 --> 00:01:18,444 You know, maybe I'll just avoid her. 36 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,080 If I wanted to avoid every woman I ever embarrassed myself 37 00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:22,881 In front of, I'd never leave the house. 38 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,384 I'd even have to steer clear of the ups lady. 39 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,287 She looked in the window and caught me... 40 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,622 Handling my own package. 41 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,225 You know, it's not the things that you do, 42 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,360 So much as the way that you say them. 43 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:36,862 No, no. 44 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:39,231 It-it's also the things that you do. 45 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,433 Okay, you know, I just wish there was a way 46 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,601 To, like, jump over the awkwardness 47 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,703 And get right into the conversation with her. 48 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,472 You know what, I think I can... I can help you with that. 49 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,539 Laurel! 50 00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:51,977 Look who's here! And awake! 51 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,312 Hey, guys. 52 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,747 I'll, uh... I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. 53 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,316 I'm gonna go check on louis. 54 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,885 Hey, remember how we used to have to pretend to be gay? 55 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:03,055 Crazy, right? (chuckles) 56 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,892 I'm sorry I didn't call. 57 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,393 And I'm-I'm sorry 58 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:11,330 I fell asleep instead of having sex with you. I... 59 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,833 Will you stop walking by? 60 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,969 I really am sorry. 61 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,403 I'm not mad. 62 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,840 Though you are now in my phone as rip van walden. 63 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,543 I'm sorry, what was that? I just nodded off. 64 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,480 So, what you been up to? 65 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,482 Oh, you know, not much. Just... 66 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,084 Training for a marathon, 67 00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:34,319 Developing an international photo sharing app, 68 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,421 And I'm writing a young adult novel. 69 00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:37,356 Wow. Really? 70 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,024 No, I have a six-year-old. 71 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:43,428 All I do is come here and eat food on a stick. 72 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,831 Well, do you want to... Maybe... 73 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,000 Schedule another playdate? 74 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,334 I would love that. 75 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,503 I mean, lily would love that. Oh. 76 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,472 Louis would also love it. 77 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,606 Imagine 78 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,008 All the... Games 79 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,509 That they would play together. 80 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:01,280 Yeah. And all the, uh, toys they would play with. 81 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:04,049 Toys? I-I hope none of them are... 82 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,151 A choking hazard. 83 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:08,387 Wouldn't matter to me. 84 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,223 I don't have a gag reflex. 85 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,693 ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 86 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,530 ♪ ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 87 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,503 ♪ men. ♪ 88 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,837 Morning. (groans) 89 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,339 How's the neck? 90 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,907 Not good. 91 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,509 Yeah. Well, I told you not to stand under that mom 92 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:31,944 On the rock wall. 93 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,181 That's why we have rules! 94 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,750 Yeah, well, wearing underwear on the rock wall 95 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,221 Should be one of those. 96 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,723 Hey, louis, are you excited about your playdate with lily? 97 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,024 I guess. 98 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:47,659 "I guess." 99 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,563 You got a cute girl coming over here. 100 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,265 You should be popping in the... 101 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:57,436 Kidz bop slow jamz and putting some sunny d on ice. 102 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,705 Do I have to share my legos with her? 103 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:03,242 Of course not. It's a playdate. You're not marrying her. 104 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,443 Alan. 105 00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,412 Yes, we should share everything we can-- 106 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,581 Our toys, our books, our... 107 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,949 Sausage links. 108 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,551 Alan: If I could move 109 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,387 My neck, I'd give you such a look right now. 110 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,357 The lesson is that we should all share. 111 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,859 Okay. I got to poop. 112 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,595 Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing? 113 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,564 Sharing. 114 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,566 No. No, that's taking! 115 00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:30,736 That's my job in this house! 116 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,471 ♪ men. ♪ 117 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:33,639 So what's the deal? 118 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,741 Pinched nerve? Slipped disk? 119 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:38,744 The official diagnosis? You're old. 120 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:41,380 Very funny. I'd like a second opinion. 121 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,949 All right, you're also out of shape. 122 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,984 Come on, I'm in decent shape for my age. 123 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,319 Eh... 124 00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:50,322 Look, alan, when you get to be our age, 125 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,490 You get a little more fragile. 126 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,991 You-you don't bounce back as easily. 127 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,893 The only thing that bounces back is that belly 128 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,895 When I poke it. (chuckles) 129 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,597 Stop it. 130 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,732 I used to be in the same boat as you. 131 00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,334 Then I found this awesome new gym, 132 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,136 Put myself on a regular workout program. 133 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,605 Now I'm in the best shape of my life. 134 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,307 Surprised you didn't notice. 135 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,275 Oh. Oh, yeah. You, uh... You look great. 136 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,445 It's too late, alan. The damage has been done. 137 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,113 You should come down and work out with me. 138 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,848 It's, uh, nothing but hot women in yoga pants 139 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,517 As far as the eye can see. 140 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,852 Sure, it's a little creepy if you look right at 'em, 141 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:24,189 But, uh, there are mirrors everywhere. 142 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,791 Yeah. I guess I could break out 143 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,260 The old headband and leg warmers. 144 00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:30,329 Great. Hey, uh, since I got you here, 145 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:33,098 It's, uh... It's been a year since your last prostate exam. 146 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,666 Oh, no. 147 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,536 If it makes you feel any better, you get a lollipop afterwards. 148 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:40,439 Well, I've done a lot more for a lot less. 149 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,211 ♪ men. ♪ 150 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:51,516 Aw. Aw. 151 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,352 It's like the eye of a hurricane. 152 00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:54,953 It's eerily quiet now, but in an hour 153 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:58,056 Everything will be broken and wet. 154 00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,993 Well, at least I'm not the only one who falls asleep 155 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,529 When cute girls are around. 156 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,666 Aw. Thanks so much for having us. 157 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,734 I'm very impressed with this spread. 158 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,570 What kind of cheese is this? 159 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,372 Uh... 160 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,474 Okay, I have to confess. 161 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,576 They're lunchables. 162 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,045 That's the yellow cheese, 163 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,148 But I also have the orange and the white. 164 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:27,052 No. No, thanks. I'm gonna save room for the fruit roll-up. 165 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,054 So tell me, 166 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,723 How is it that a guy like you is not already married 167 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,726 To some-- I don't know-- gorgeous swimsuit model? 168 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:38,597 Okay, you obviously haven't seen alan in a speedo. 169 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,599 I'm-I'm serious. 170 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,535 You're sweet, you're good-looking, you're successful. 171 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,604 What the hell is wrong with you? 172 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:49,040 Okay. I've been told... 173 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,643 That I listen too much. 174 00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:55,046 Which is a common problem 175 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,616 Among men whose penises are too large. 176 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,584 (snorts) 177 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,587 Uh, well, I-I also have this... 178 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,924 This teeny, tiny quirk where, uh, 179 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:09,561 I screw up relationships as soon as they start going well. 180 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:12,197 Oh. That's encouraging. 181 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,065 Oh, oh. No, no, no. But don't worry, uh, 182 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,901 'cause this isn't going well at all. 183 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,303 Well, I'm glad to hear you say that 184 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:21,306 'cause... I was about to leave. 185 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:24,376 Oh. 186 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,211 Mmm, okay. That-that kind of behavior 187 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,779 Can get you put in time-out. 188 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,450 (chuckles) time-outs don't work on me. 189 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:33,819 I need to be spanked. 190 00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:38,657 (chuckles) 191 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:42,160 Looks like someone needs to be sent to my room. 192 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:49,835 Wow. Look at the lululemons on her. 193 00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,504 Did I tell you or did I tell you? 194 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,772 Yeah. Be cool, though. 195 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,774 Getting tagged as a lurker is a hard label to shake. 196 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,642 So I've heard. 197 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,144 Oh, oh, check out the redhead. 198 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,912 Her shorts say "juicy." 199 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,747 If our garments are being honest, 200 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:05,016 Mine would say "aroused." (chuckles) 201 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,652 Ooh, look at the blonde on the yoga ball. Mmm, 202 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,489 Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy... 203 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,023 Lyndsey? 204 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,492 Alan. 205 00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:14,826 How did I not recognize her? 206 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,195 I've got to look at more faces. 207 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,763 I didn't know you were a member here. 208 00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:20,765 Herb. 209 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,501 I see they've reinstated your membership. 210 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,669 The appeals process was arduous, 211 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,506 But, ultimately, justice was served. 212 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,207 So, uh, how's everything? 213 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,809 Good. I'm sober again. 214 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,310 I traded booze for exercise. 215 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,480 You know, whenever I want a drink, I come here instead. 216 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,949 Good thing this place is open 24 hours. 217 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,285 Well, I'm really happy for you. You look great. 218 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,821 I also think you look great. 219 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,656 In fact, as a medical professional, 220 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,691 My opinion is "wowza." 221 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,960 Thanks. Anyway, I got to go. 222 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,896 It's time for my spin class. 223 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,731 Oh, so, uh... So you went from a-a room 224 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,834 That was spinning to a room for spinning. 225 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:56,968 (chuckles) 226 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,703 You know... Glug, glug, glug, glug. 227 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,173 (dizzy, retching sounds) 228 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,475 (chuckles) 229 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:04,709 Anyway, great seeing you. 230 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,378 Yeah. 231 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,847 I missed this. 232 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,415 Wow, she looks amazing. 233 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,183 Did you see how flat her stomach is? 234 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,019 She's always had great abs. All that dry heaving 235 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,687 Gives you a hell of a six-pack. 236 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,689 So, uh, you two are over? 237 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,058 Oh, yeah. You know, it's complicated with me 238 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,893 And walden and louis. Plus, you know, I don't know 239 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,696 That lyndsey and I were ever really good for each other. 240 00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,731 Kind of like me and lactose. 241 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,066 That's too bad. Mmm. 242 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,901 Mind if I take a crack at her? 243 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,102 What? 244 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,537 You two aren't together anymore. 245 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:36,908 Maybe the cure for what ails her is a little herb-al essence. 246 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,244 Dude, you already married my ex-wife, 247 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,446 You moved into my house, and earlier today 248 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,148 You had your finger halfway to my liver. 249 00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:46,051 Maybe we share enough as it is. 250 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,219 Okay, I get it. Bro code. 251 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,688 Thank you. 252 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:53,758 Just so you know, that exam was no picnic for me, either. 253 00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:58,430 (moaning softly) 254 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,031 Did you hear that? 255 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,300 I think it was the kids downstairs. 256 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,102 What kids? (chuckles) 257 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,604 Oh. (chuckles) 258 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,872 You're right. It was probably nothing. 259 00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,641 (grunting) 260 00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:15,246 Oh, wait. What if one of them walks in on us? 261 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,982 I had a hard enough time explaining 262 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,450 Where milk comes from. 263 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,652 Do you want to lock the door? 264 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,721 Yes. 265 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:28,093 (chuckles) 266 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,129 Mmm. Oh, no, no, no. 267 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,597 What if there's an emergency? 268 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:33,832 What if they need to come get us? 269 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,934 What-what... What if there's a burglar or a fire, 270 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,503 Or a burglar who sets a fire as a distraction? 271 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,838 Oh, no, no. 272 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,939 (laughs) 273 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,241 Not on my watch! 274 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,310 Oh, my god, you're adorable. 275 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,612 But if you can't stop worrying all the time, 276 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,981 You're never gonna have sex again. 277 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,050 Oh, my god. 278 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,854 I'm never gonna have sex again. 279 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,023 You're used to single-people sex. 280 00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:01,593 That's a luxurious four-course meal at a fine restaurant. 281 00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:03,962 Parent sex is a drive-through. 282 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,597 Get in, get out, 283 00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:08,033 Hope you don't get anything on your shirt. Oh. 284 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,769 Looks like your order just got supersized. 285 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:12,604 (laughs) 286 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:15,840 (moaning) 287 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,275 Louis: Walden? 288 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,778 Yes! Coming! Right there! 289 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,846 Oh, god, are you okay? 290 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:25,684 I'm fine. Good news is, you finally got my bra off. 291 00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:27,886 ♪ men. ♪ 292 00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,624 ♪ men. ♪ 293 00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:33,958 Morning. 294 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,694 Morning. Where's louis? 295 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:37,128 I sent him to take a bath. 296 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,898 Oh, by the way, if you want syrup on your french toast, 297 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,666 Catch him before he hits the water. 298 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:42,967 No. No french toast for me. 299 00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:44,869 I'm hitting the gym a little later. 300 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:48,640 Oh, uh, by the way, the beach is that way. 301 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,476 Oh, look at that. 302 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,813 Uh, my fitness band says that my pulse rate is 87. 303 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,582 Tell me when it gets to zero. 304 00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,017 Yeah, joke all you want, 305 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,653 But this little gizmo tracks all my physical activity. 306 00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:04,889 So far today, I have burned... 400 calories. 307 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,524 Oh, wow. Did you go for a run? 308 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,992 Nope, never left my bed. 309 00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:10,328 Oh, come on! 310 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,897 So, how was your playdate with laurel? 311 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:16,167 Okay, let-let me... Let me ask you guys something. 312 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,404 When you had young kids, and they were still in the house, 313 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:23,074 Did you have a hard time, like... You know... 314 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,544 ♪ bow chicka wow wow? 315 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:30,115 Oh. Oh, well, jake walked in on judith and me countless times. 316 00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,484 Eventually, we stopped having sex altogether. 317 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:36,054 Those aren't related. 318 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,689 I just... I don't know what to do. 319 00:12:37,691 --> 00:12:41,059 It's like, louis is stealing your sausage and blocking mine. 320 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,061 Well, sooner or later, you just get over it. 321 00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:45,196 Uh, but in the meantime, why don't you take her out 322 00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,098 For a romantic night to a hotel? 323 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,768 Oh. I like that. 324 00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,770 Plus, people do all kinds of things in hotels 325 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,104 They don't do at home. 326 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,707 Like pay eight dollars for peanuts. 327 00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:59,043 I used to love to have sex in hotel rooms. 328 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,012 Then they caught me, and they fired me. 329 00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,017 ♪ men. ♪ 330 00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,928 Do you want to work in? 331 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:17,996 What? 332 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,665 Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah. 333 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,100 Uh, definitely want to work in. 334 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,935 Why else would I be sitting here? 335 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,070 Thanks. (laughs) no problem. 336 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,109 Just, uh, show you the proper technique. 337 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,578 Mm. 338 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,480 Here we go. (sighs) 339 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,048 (laughs) 340 00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:40,251 (grunting) 341 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,254 Aah! Oh, aah. 342 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,156 Bum shoulder. Yeah. 343 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,259 Got it the last iron man. 344 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,995 The movie, not the triathlon. 345 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,331 I slipped in the lobby on some artificial butter. 346 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:57,001 Oh. There we go, lighten the load, and, uh... 347 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,503 One time, here we go. 348 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,572 (laughs) 349 00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:06,110 (groaning) 350 00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:07,545 (passes gas) 351 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,180 Oh, god! 352 00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:14,519 Nice meeting you! 353 00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:16,855 Hey, alan. 354 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,289 Oh. Oh, hey, lyndsey. Oh, hey. 355 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,624 Yeah, I was just, uh... 356 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,226 I was just doing the, uh, the fly machine. 357 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,228 You know, working out. 358 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,063 You're really committing to this workout thing. 359 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,197 I'm impressed. 360 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,000 I know. I haven't been anyplace two days in a row 361 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:30,969 Since jersey boys was touring. 362 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,872 Where's herb? Uh, in the office. 363 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,207 He got all excited about an outbreak of pinkeye. 364 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,676 When kids see pink, herb sees green. 365 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:39,911 Well, tell him I said "hi." 366 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,145 Oh, I don't know 367 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:42,680 If that's such a great idea. 368 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,681 What do you mean? 369 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,316 Well, get this. 370 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,085 Uh, after we saw you the other day, 371 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:50,054 He wanted to know if it was okay to ask you out. 372 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:52,190 But don't worry. I told him no. 373 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,559 What? 374 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:57,228 You have no right to decide who I go out with. 375 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,197 Oh, come on, lyndsey. I mean, how would you feel 376 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,199 If one of your friends wanted to go out with me? 377 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:05,436 Shocked, stunned, like I need new friends. 378 00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,071 Look, I am just trying to help. 379 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,406 You just got sober. 380 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,241 I mean, before you move onto somebody else, 381 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,043 You should probably get over your breakup 382 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,211 With captain morgan. 383 00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,612 Are you freaking kidding me?! 384 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,181 If I want to go out with herb, it is none of your business. 385 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,584 In fact, nothing I do is any of your business! 386 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,586 Just stay the hell out of my life! 387 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:26,791 Roid rage. 388 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,793 (laughs) 389 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,862 Phew. 390 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,233 ♪ men. ♪ 391 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,303 (laughing): Okay. 392 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,972 This was officially a great idea. 393 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,074 Did you like the way I checked us in? 394 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,710 Mr. And mrs. R. Doinit? 395 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,313 Um, I like to go by my maiden name-- 396 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,914 Gettin' some. 397 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,983 Hey, check this out. 398 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:54,485 (laughs) 399 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,488 I just walked across the floor without stepping on a lego. 400 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,957 (gasps) 401 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,591 Look, there's chocolate on the pillows, 402 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,760 And it's not even in the shape of a handprint. 403 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,263 Oh. Get over here, woman. Uh-uh. 404 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,298 No, no. I've got a surprise for you. 405 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,800 A surprise? 406 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,134 Mm-hmm. Yay! What is it? 407 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,736 Oh, I'll give you a hint. 408 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:17,408 It's lacy, it's new, and you get to bite the tags off. 409 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,444 If it's big enough to have tags on it, 410 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:20,712 I already don't like it. 411 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,582 ♪ men. ♪ 412 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,318 (doorbell ringing) 413 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,421 Alan, what are you doing here? 414 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,291 Well, I felt bad about earlier, and I wanted to apologize. 415 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,325 These are for you. 416 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,394 For me, huh? 417 00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:41,165 "mr. Schmidt, thank you so much for your generous donation 418 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,001 To the children's hospital." 419 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,403 Um, I-I did not see that. 420 00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:48,539 Herb: Is that the pizza guy? 421 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,145 Herb? 422 00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,513 Alan, what are you doing here? 423 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,649 What are you doing here, and... And why are you wearing my robe? 424 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,452 I'll let you guys talk. 425 00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:04,856 Alan, you showing up here is the second best thing 426 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,759 That's happened to me today. 427 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,329 What the hell, herb? 428 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:14,165 Believe me, I had no intention of going behind your back, 429 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,367 But out of nowhere, lyndsey invited me over for dinner, 430 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,369 And I thought, "what's the harm?" 431 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,704 Well, then, dinner turned into dessert, 432 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:23,975 And dessert turned into, well, sex with lyndsey. 433 00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:25,543 This hurts, herb. 434 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,245 Yesterday you were tickling my prostate, 435 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,313 And today you're stabbing me in the back. 436 00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:30,648 Hey, it's your fault. 437 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,083 You made me forbidden fruit. 438 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:37,055 I was off-limits, like dancing in footloose. 439 00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:39,257 Look, I'm sorry it happened like this. 440 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,492 And, well, if you want me to stop seeing her, 441 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,494 Just say the word, and it's over. 442 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,729 Lyndsey: Herb? 443 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,130 Well, you had your chance. 444 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,074 What do you think? 445 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,942 It's horrible. Take it off. 446 00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,243 (laughs) 447 00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:02,513 Oh! Ooh! 448 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,050 (phone chirps) 449 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,286 No! (laughs) 450 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,587 It's okay. Get it. 451 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,522 (sighs) 452 00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:14,759 Okay, babysitter wants to know 453 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,695 If lily can have ice cream for dessert. (laughs) 454 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,265 "don't care. Getting laid." 455 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,600 (mutters) 456 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,302 No, I just wrote "yes." 457 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,636 (laughter) 458 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,739 Oh, hey, you know, next time, we should just get one babysitter, 459 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:32,110 And then louis can sleep over with lily at my house, 460 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:35,113 And I can sleep over with you at your house. 461 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,181 Yeah, maybe. 462 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,284 Wait, wait, whoa, hold on. 463 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,587 Do you not want there to be a next time? 464 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,922 I mean, please reserve your judgment 465 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,290 Until after the first time. 466 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,493 (laughs) I rarely 467 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,295 Disappoint a woman sexually before we have sex. 468 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:55,633 No, it's just... All kids have their differences. 469 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:59,003 But I don't want to talk about louis and lily right now. 470 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,339 In fact, I don't want to talk at all. 471 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,975 I got better things to do with my mouth. 472 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,245 Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on. 473 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,313 Wait. Louis and lily don't get along? 474 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,448 Well, you know how kids are. 475 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,583 One week, they like each other; the next, they don't. 476 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,685 So louis doesn't like to share. 477 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,487 Lucky for you, I do. 478 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,923 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 479 00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,525 Louis does not have a problem sharing. 480 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:24,362 In fact, I just talked to him specifically about sharing. 481 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:27,431 I'm sorry. Lily must have made it up. 482 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,934 That's probably it. Okay. 483 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,335 Wait a second. 484 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:34,372 So you're okay with saying that lily's a liar, 485 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,440 But you can't admit that louis has issues? 486 00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,476 (laughs) oh. Okay, hold on. 487 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,012 I think I would know if my son has issues. 488 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,547 Right, 'cause you've been a parent 489 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,814 For all of, what, two weeks? 490 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:47,051 Two and a half. (sighs) 491 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,686 And fancy you lecturing me. 492 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,454 The mother of lily the biter. 493 00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:52,456 What? Lily's not a biter. 494 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:55,026 All the other parents call her "lily-goat." 495 00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:57,395 You know what? This was a bad idea. 496 00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,230 Oh, yeah, it was... 497 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,365 (bleating): Baa-aa-aa-aa-aad. 498 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,601 That was a sheep. 499 00:20:04,836 --> 00:20:07,371 And if this is how you talk to women in bed, 500 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,473 Then no wonder you had to marry alan. 501 00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:12,643 (gasps) you will leave my husband out of this! 502 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,079 You don't even know what you're missing. 503 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,748 You were about to have the hottest sex of your life! 504 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,350 Oh, oh, easy for you to say 505 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,985 Since you don't have to back it up. 506 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,521 Oh, you want me to back it up?! 'cause I'll back it up! 507 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,489 Yeah, back it on up! 508 00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:26,691 Oh, what, are we gonna have sex? 509 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,559 Shut up! Oh... 510 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,261 (yelps, chuckles) 511 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,563 Okay, I see where lily gets her biting. 512 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:39,036 ♪ men. ♪ 513 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:42,039 Boy, I was angrier than I thought. 514 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,674 (exhales) 515 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:47,445 Boy, I was angrier than I thought. 516 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,513 (panting) 517 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,252 Boy, I was angrier than I thought.