1
00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,836
♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,137
Okay.
3
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,638
Hold up your gifts.
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,507
Everybody has to see the gold
and frankincense and myrrh
5
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,942
So they know
we're the three wise men.
6
00:00:09,944 --> 00:00:12,644
It's 88 degrees out.
7
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,046
I don't have any myrrh.
8
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:17,516
Unless it's the biblical term
for "swamp ass."
9
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:18,884
We want this
to be mantel-worthy.
10
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:21,620
We want people to say, you know,
"look at those costumes,
11
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,689
"look at that view,
look at cher's house
12
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,058
Perfectly positioned
over alan's right shoulder."
13
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,527
Oh, it's got to be
better than last year.
14
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,697
Me as joseph,
berta as the virgin mary
15
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,866
Looking down at you in a diaper.
16
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,901
People loved that.
17
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:37,803
Okay, here we go.
18
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:38,971
(camera beeps)
19
00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:41,340
Now everybody say...
20
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:43,342
Sweet baby jesus!
21
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,511
Sweet baby jesus!
22
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,812
Sorry about that.
23
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,180
Oh, that's so cute.
24
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,115
You guys are dressed
as duck dynasty.
25
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,986
No. We're the three kings
of bethlehem.
26
00:00:53,988 --> 00:00:55,721
Oh, right.
27
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,556
I don't get hbo.
28
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,992
Guys, look at him.
29
00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:04,696
Isn't he the cutest
in his little robe and beard?
30
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You want my gold?
31
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,700
Women:
Oh!
32
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:11,770
First cute girl he meets, he's
already giving away his money.
33
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:16,041
You know, I think I have a
better idea for a holiday card.
34
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,509
(camera clicks)
35
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,511
(to "jingle bells"):
♪ men-men-men, men-men-men
36
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,580
♪ men-men-men, men-men.
37
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,948
(bells jingling)
♪ men, men, men, men
38
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,516
♪ manly men, men, men
39
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,785
♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.
40
00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,791
♪ men. ♪
41
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,426
I found
the fake snow!
42
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,128
Oh.
43
00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:38,630
It looks real.
44
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,399
Yeah. I love a white christmas.
45
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,567
So did charlie.
46
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:44,303
He used to put snow
on every mirror in the house.
47
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,405
Okay.
48
00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,107
Hey, hey, buddy, why
don't you go inside
49
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,641
And write your letter to santa?
50
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,143
Santa's not real.
51
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,277
What?
52
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,213
Of course he is.
53
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,715
He's never brought me
anything I asked for.
54
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,250
Hey, I am sure
55
00:01:58,252 --> 00:02:01,086
That santa's gonna come through
for you this year, buddy.
56
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,322
That's what grown-ups
always say.
57
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,959
Come inside with me.
58
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:10,596
I made gingerbread zippys.
59
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,798
I was gonna make
gingerbread houses,
60
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,367
But everybody knows
zippys don't have houses.
61
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:21,306
A six-year-old boy
who doesn't believe in santa.
62
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,308
How sad is that?
63
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,345
Almost as sad as my
20-year-old boy who does.
64
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,980
This sucks.
65
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,449
Just 'cause he grew up
in a group home doesn't mean
66
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,451
That he can't enjoy
the magic of christmas.
67
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,820
I know. It was always
jake's favorite holiday.
68
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,421
Especially the year he turned 13
69
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,323
And got his first
christmas boner.
70
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:42,294
It was the only toy
he played with all day.
71
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:44,663
Hey, you know,
I bet louis would believe
72
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,798
If we got him
exactly what he wanted.
73
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,300
I don't know what he wants.
74
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,635
Rose:
He wants a bike.
75
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,670
God! Rose.
76
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,872
What are you
doing here?
77
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,474
Wait. How do you know
about louis?
78
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,343
Oh, walden, you're so adorable.
79
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,946
I just wanted to bring by
my homemade christmas candies.
80
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,581
Do you like nuts?
81
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,818
Covered in chocolate, yes.
82
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,820
With a sweater and skirt, no.
83
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,822
Oh. Okay.
84
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,959
On this day, walden's heart
shrank three sizes.
85
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,327
Anyway,
86
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,462
I know this time of year
can get busy,
87
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:19,565
So if you need a helping hand,
I'm here.
88
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,701
I can wrap presents or babysit
or read a christmas story.
89
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,536
I'm great at doing voices.
90
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,638
Or hearing them.
91
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,407
What do you want, rose?
92
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:31,009
My dna, my fingerprints,
a lock of my hair?
93
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,477
No, silly.
94
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,346
I have all that.
95
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,014
I want to be your friend again.
96
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,583
I don't think
that I'm comfortable
97
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:39,518
With you being around louis.
98
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,353
Or me.
99
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,655
If you want to hang out
with alan, that's fine.
100
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,226
I'll pass.
101
00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,395
♪ men. ♪
102
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:54,433
Here you go-- a little
christmas cheer for everyone.
103
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:57,536
Ugh! What is this?
104
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:58,437
It's eggnog.
105
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,272
With no rum!
106
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:04,109
Eggnog without booze
is as boring and bland
107
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,178
As church without booze.
108
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:12,217
Be a dear and go get some
rum for your grandmother.
109
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:15,454
Evelyn, he's six years old.
110
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:18,023
Oh. Yes, right.
111
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:21,927
The rum is in a bottle
with a pirate on it.
112
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:25,597
Maybe-maybe we can wait
until louis goes to bed.
113
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,599
Of course.
114
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,234
So run along to bed, dear.
115
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Mom.
116
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,738
If you don't go to sleep,
santa won't come.
117
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:33,872
There is no santa.
118
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,941
What?! Of course there is.
119
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,410
Santa's as real
as the nose on my face.
120
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,745
(clears throat)
121
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:43,515
Well, he's as real as my...
122
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:47,953
Trust me, he's real.
123
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,957
You know, she's right, and
tonight we're gonna prove it,
124
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:55,560
Because we got
a santa cam,
125
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:59,564
So we can catch
the big man in red on video.
126
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,566
Santa claus!
127
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:02,834
Old saint nick!
128
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,803
(french accent):
Papa noel.
129
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,805
(italian accent):
Babbo natale.
130
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,840
(german accent):
Weihnachtsmann.
131
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:13,445
Which, of course,
means "christmas man" in german.
132
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,514
Teachable moment.
133
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,582
The-the point is,
in the morning,
134
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,518
When you see
him on video,
135
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,586
Then you'll believe
he's real, right?
136
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:22,454
I guess.
137
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:25,590
I guess?! What?
138
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,660
Did you hear that, alan?
Did you hear that, evelyn?
139
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,162
(imitating jimmy stewart):
You hear that, clarence?
140
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:32,597
Merry christmas, you wonderful
old building and loan!
141
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:36,034
Okay, off to bed you go.
142
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,503
And soon, you'll have
visions of sugar plums
143
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,672
Dancing in your head.
144
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,974
Can I have some pirate rum?
145
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,976
No, we don't want visions
146
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,546
Of pink elephants
dancing in our head.
147
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:51,850
Okay, you go brush your teeth,
and I'll be in in a minute.
148
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,518
When alan was little
and couldn't sleep,
149
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,287
I used to give him whiskey.
150
00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:58,190
Breast-feeding
doesn't count, mother.
151
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,726
So here's the plan.
152
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,861
Santa's not actually coming.
153
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,496
You don't say.
154
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,031
But how awesome is this?
155
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,201
We got the number two guy from
the thanksgiving day parade.
156
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,702
So, if the giant
157
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,405
Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose
and kills the number one santa,
158
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,806
This is the guy.
159
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,074
Alan:
Yeah.
160
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,542
He also appeared as santa
161
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,911
On an episode of
walker, texas ranger.
162
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:26,118
He and chuck norris fought the
bad guys with christmas fu.
163
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:29,421
So, when he gets here,
he's gonna take the presents
164
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,690
That we bought for him, and he's
gonna put them under the tree,
165
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,325
And then we'll get it on video,
166
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,162
And then louis will have the
perfect charlie brown christmas.
167
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,664
(to "hark the herald
angels sing"):
♪ lou, lou, lou
168
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,600
♪ lou-lou, lou, lou, lou
169
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,201
Both:
♪ lou, lou, lou
170
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,203
♪ lou-lou, lou, lou
171
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:48,840
♪ lou, lou, lou,
lou-lou, lou, lou, lou... ♪
172
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,041
I need rum.
173
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,343
♪ lou, lou, lou
174
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:52,711
♪ lou, lou, lou, lou...
175
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,279
♪ men. ♪
176
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,747
Santa's here!
177
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,650
I give you
kris kringle.
178
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:02,687
Are you smoking pot?
179
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:04,256
Of course not.
180
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,092
Don't worry.
181
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,094
Santa's got a prescription card.
182
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,129
Well, apparently, the presents
183
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,131
Have already been
delivered in colorado.
184
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,433
(clears throat)
185
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:16,501
Here. Come on in.
186
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,640
I'm walden.
This is alan and, uh, evelyn.
187
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:24,109
Uh, wh-what do you go by?
Mr. Claus?
188
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,477
(chuckles)
189
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,379
(italian accent):
Babbo natale?
190
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,582
(german accent):
Weihnachtsmann?
191
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,784
Actually, it's frank.
192
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,719
It's not very christmasy.
193
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,221
Well, if you don't like it,
194
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:39,124
I can hang some mistletoe
over my ass.
195
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,794
That's my son
you're talking to.
196
00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:44,729
Good one.
197
00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:48,433
I-I... I'm sorry.
We're-we're just really excited.
198
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,735
It's our first christmas
with our foster son.
199
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,637
Uh, basically,
what we're gonna do is
200
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,973
Film you putting the presents
under the tree.
201
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,175
Uh, and then I've written
a little something
202
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,810
For you to say to louis.
203
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,011
Let me guess.
204
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:03,782
"ho, ho, ho!
Merry christmas, louis!"
205
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,484
Oh, that's better.
206
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,585
Go with that.
207
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,019
Okay, okay, okay,
and then...
208
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,489
Then you'll take a
bite of the cookie,
209
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:13,792
You'll crunch the carrot,
you'll sip the milk,
210
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,428
Wink at the camera, jiggle
your belly and leave.
211
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,498
So it's toys,
bite, crunch,
212
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,399
Sip, wink,
jiggle, leave.
213
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,703
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
214
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:26,671
Got it?
215
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,107
So you want me to be santa.
216
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:32,844
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
217
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,281
That sounds a lot like an orgy
I had in palm springs once.
218
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:39,217
♪ men. ♪
219
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,686
All right,
let's get this stuff wrapped
220
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,789
So we can enjoy this holiday
the way I always imagined.
221
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:48,693
Listening to michael bublé's
christmas album...
222
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,029
With my husband.
223
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,332
Aw, looks like alan's getting
his first gift early.
224
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,235
Where's the boy's bike?
225
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,304
Oh, right here.
226
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,375
That's not a boy's bike.
That's a box.
227
00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:06,378
The boy's bike's in the box.
228
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:09,214
Tell me the boy's bike
in the box has been built.
229
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,750
Oh, no, they wanted $75
to assemble it.
230
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,819
That's like ten pairs of pants.
231
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:17,389
I was paying for it!
232
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,558
Oh, come on.
233
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,626
How hard could it be?
234
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,931
♪ men. ♪
235
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,832
Uh, sorry, looks like
it's gonna be
236
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,167
A little longer
than we expected.
237
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,870
Uh, any chance you know how
to put together a bike?
238
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,840
Right now, I'm too buzzed
to have a tool in my hand.
239
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,278
I'm just buzzed enough
to have a tool in mine.
240
00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:44,549
Well, ho, ho, ho.
241
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:46,117
Exactly.
242
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,786
Here.
243
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:51,189
Let me get us both
a little more eggnog.
244
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:55,126
Um, santa, did you drive your
own sleigh over here tonight?
245
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,862
Nope. Santa ubered.
246
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:02,767
Oh, well, uh, hope your driver
was named rudolph.
247
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,569
(laughs)
248
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,271
Um, so what's going on?
249
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,706
Does santa know you're married?
250
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:11,309
Does the irs know
you don't have five children?
251
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,780
Marty and I have
an open marriage.
252
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,282
And since he's 93,
253
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,785
My end opens a little more
frequently than his.
254
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,821
As does your mouth.
255
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:26,858
That's one of the ends
I was talking about.
256
00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:30,962
Here you go.
257
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:34,633
You're running low on eggnog,
so this one is all rum.
258
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,735
(laughs)
thank you.
259
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,803
You know, this is a situation
260
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,039
Where santa doesn't
need a little helper.
261
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,176
So on, prancer.
262
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,811
Fine.
263
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,480
But just know this:
264
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,750
I am not afraid to give santa
a negative review on yelp.
265
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,819
♪ men. ♪
266
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,989
Okay, I can't make heads
or tails of these instructions.
267
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,290
They're barely in english.
268
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,960
Uh, "the bolts of turning
269
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:05,630
"shall revolve clockwords
270
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:09,367
As in above figure below."
271
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:13,004
Does it say anything about
roommate of cheapness shall have
272
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:16,174
Foot inserted
in back hole till tight?
273
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,709
Oh.
274
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,544
I guess on the first day
of christmas,
275
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,312
My true love threatened me.
276
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,014
I'm sorry, but it's louis's
277
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,649
First christmas
not in the group home,
278
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,351
And I want it to be perfect.
279
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,219
No christmas is ever perfect.
280
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,554
There's always gonna be a toy
281
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,623
That's broken
or the wrong kind of batteries.
282
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,224
I mean, even on
the very first christmas,
283
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,628
Mary and joseph woke up
to the smell of donkey crap.
284
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:38,830
I know. I just...
285
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,832
I want him to believe in santa,
286
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,634
And-and get this bike
287
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,970
And-and wake up to a
winter wonderland.
288
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,206
Not that I ordered
a truckload of snow.
289
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,643
I didn't get reindeer!
290
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:53,978
Well, they're endangered.
291
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:57,048
We could still make
christmas special for louis.
292
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,150
We just got to finish this bike.
We can do this.
293
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:02,153
You're right. We got
an m.I.T. Engineer and a...
294
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,556
Formerly board-certified
chiropractor.
295
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,524
Yeah, now we're talking.
296
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,892
I mean, this can't
be more difficult
297
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,928
Than realigning someone's spine.
(scoffs)
298
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,996
Here.
(chuckles)
you know, you got, uh...
299
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:15,066
You got your, uh, your l2,
uh, connected to your l3.
300
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,935
(chuckles)
and all we have to do is
301
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:20,004
Put the right pressure
on the right spot and...
302
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,010
Uh, and that is why I am
303
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:29,948
A formerlyboard-certified
chiropractor.
304
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,382
♪ men. ♪
305
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,052
(bells jingling rhythmically)
306
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:36,921
Evelyn (moaning):
Oh, santa.
307
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,591
(bells jingling faster)
308
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,659
Oh, santa!
309
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,196
Oh, no.
310
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,531
(bells jingling rapidly)
311
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,567
Santa:
Here comes santa claus!
312
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:53,371
Here comes
santa claus!
313
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,673
♪ men. ♪
314
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,146
♪ men. ♪
315
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,647
Oh, my god.
316
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,815
What happened?
317
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,717
I saw mommy banging santa claus.
318
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,722
What?
It's 1972 all over again.
319
00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:13,992
We have a problem.
320
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:15,660
Yes, you have a problem.
321
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,897
You are the christmas whore!
322
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:22,333
Be that as it may, I think
I killed santa claus.
323
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,969
Oh, god!
324
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,071
It's exactly like 1972!
325
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,575
♪ men. ♪
326
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,110
Is he gonna be okay?
327
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:33,611
Yeah, it was just
atrial fibrillation.
328
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,680
He just needs some medication
and a few days rest.
329
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:39,017
You hear that, sweetheart?
I'll be fine by new year's.
330
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,820
I'll be counting down
till the balls drop.
331
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:47,125
Well, thank god louis
didn't see any of this.
332
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,526
He would've been
traumatized.
333
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,995
Louis? What about me?
334
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,765
The man almost died
while he was having sex with me.
335
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,168
That's not easy to get over.
336
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,071
No matter how many times
it happens.
337
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,541
Okay, well, all right,
well, there you have it.
338
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,510
Merry christmas, louis.
339
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:09,147
Your grandmother banged santa
within an inch of his life.
340
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:12,050
Here's half a bike!
341
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:15,286
There's still enough time
to-to finish the bike,
342
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,522
Wrap the other gifts
and get them under the tree.
343
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,524
Okay, you're right.
344
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,527
Louis will be asleep
for six more hours.
345
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,062
Louis:
Walden?
346
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,397
Oh, come on!
347
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,967
I heard a noise. Did santa come?
348
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,368
Sadly, no.
349
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:35,006
♪ men. ♪
350
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,008
All right.
351
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:38,209
Where's evelyn?
352
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,578
Oh, well, uh...
353
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:43,648
She went to her house
to play with...
354
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,016
Her toys.
355
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,085
All right, time for bed, bud.
356
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,087
That's right.
Santa's on his way.
All right.
357
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,521
If santa is real,
358
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,191
Then how does he get in all
the kids' houses in one night?
359
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,661
Well, he's got
christmas magic.
360
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,063
And how does he know
where everybody lives?
361
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:03,101
Well... That's the magic
of google maps.
362
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,936
All right.
363
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,405
Good night, buddy.
Time to go to sleep.
364
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,008
Can you guys stay with me
till I fall asleep?
365
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,278
Sure.
Yeah.
366
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:17,315
It's not like we need to help
santa assemble toys.
367
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,586
He pays his elves
$75 to do that.
368
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:25,423
That's timothy's spot.
369
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,125
Oh, oh, okay.
370
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,226
Um...
371
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,295
I guess, uh...
372
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,340
Good boy.
373
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:46,344
♪ men. ♪
374
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,783
Alan?
375
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,217
Mm-hmm?
376
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,220
Oh, oh, my god!
377
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:57,922
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
378
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,258
I get one every morning.
379
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,793
Where's louis?
380
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,061
Hmm?
381
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,262
It's 7:00.
We fell asleep.
382
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,264
Oh, crap. Th-the bike.
383
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,899
The presents.
What are we gonna do?
384
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:10,735
Well, is it too late to
tell him we're jewish?
385
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,472
What the...
386
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,908
Santa came! He is real!
387
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,109
Did you...?
388
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,444
No.
389
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,179
He's on the video.
390
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:28,319
You didn't see grandma evelyn
wrestling with santa, did you?
391
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,855
No, just santa.
392
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:32,924
Alan:
That's...
393
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:35,259
Santa.
394
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:36,661
Oh, my god.
395
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,963
If the easy bake oven
I have always wanted
396
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:42,300
Is under that tree,
it is gonna blow my mind.
397
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,268
Can I go outside
and ride my bike?
398
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:46,337
Sure.
399
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,772
Alan, do you
want to...?
400
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,173
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
401
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,342
Uh, let's go, buddy.
(chuckles)
402
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,311
Looks like we had
a great christmas
403
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,380
And saved $75.
404
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:14,032
Rose?
405
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,234
All right, come on, rose,
I know you're down there.
406
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,368
Actually, I'm
behind you.
407
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,970
Ah, son of a...!
408
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:21,539
How do you do that?
409
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,341
Why do you do that?!
410
00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,910
Oh, a girl's got to have
a little fun.
411
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,712
Merry christmas.
412
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,848
I-I cannot believe that you
went to all that trouble for us.
413
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,185
You mean you can't believe
santa went to all that trouble.
414
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,187
Okay, then I guess
415
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,190
I need to say
thank you to santa.
416
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,259
Well, he doesn't
do it for the thanks,
417
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,027
He does it because
he genuinely wants
418
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,163
To make the people
in his life happy.
419
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,598
Are you happy, walden?
420
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,367
I am.
421
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:52,236
I-I couldn't have imagined
a better christmas morning.
422
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:56,340
I mean, other than waking up
with alan poking me in the back.
423
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,576
Listen, I...
424
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:02,380
I'm sorry that I said
I didn't want you around.
425
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,548
Oh, please.
426
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:05,349
It's not like every time
somebody says
427
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:07,919
Something mean to me, I write
it down in a big book called
428
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,288
"those who have wronged me."
(chuckles)
429
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,290
That's funny.
430
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,891
I think.
431
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:18,429
Well, I told you before,
I just want to be your friend.
432
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,431
Well, you are.
433
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,233
And...
434
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,402
I'm sorry if I forgot that.
435
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,104
Oh.
436
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:27,805
(chuckles)
437
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,807
Oh, hey, but how did santa
438
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,943
Manage to put
that bike together?
439
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,879
The instructions couldn't
have been any clearer.
440
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:37,148
"the bolts of turning
shall revolve clockwords
441
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,749
As in above figure below."
442
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:41,085
(chuckles)
duh.
443
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:44,655
Yeah. Duh.
444
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,924
Do you guys have
big plans for later?
445
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,893
Uh, no, just the usual.
446
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,262
Open gifts, call family,
447
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,297
Hope that you get
their voice mail.
448
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,466
Oh, the best part is
alan's gonna deep-fry a turkey,
449
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,402
So there's a 50/50 chance
he'll catch himself on fire.
450
00:18:58,404 --> 00:19:00,271
Oh, I got you guys
451
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:03,274
A little something
for the house.
452
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,243
And I hope that every time
you look at it,
453
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,477
You'll think of me.
454
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,146
(chuckles)
455
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,815
Oh! A cuckoo clock.
456
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,517
I get it. 'cause you're...
457
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,518
(whistles)
458
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,585
(chuckles)
459
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:15,887
What?
460
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,157
No.
461
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,492
Because it's red like a rose.
462
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:24,462
How could you
hurt me on christmas?
463
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,330
I'm sorry. I-I...
464
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,432
I thought it was...
Oh, I'm just kidding.
465
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:31,369
No, it's totally
'cause I'm cuckoo.
466
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,705
Well, merry christmas, walden.
467
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,678
Merry christmas, rose.
468
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:44,215
(clock chiming, cuckooing)
469
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,217
(laughs)
470
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:49,320
How cute is that?
It's a tiny rose.
471
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,690
Wait, is that her real hair?
472
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,692
Rose:
No, it's yours.
473
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,527
♪ men. ♪
474
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:02,800
♪ you better watch out,
you better not cry ♪
475
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,835
♪ you better not pout...
You know,
476
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,572
This is what christmas
is all about.
477
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:11,075
Family, bublé,
478
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,078
Deep-fried turkey.
479
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,713
Life is good, alan.
480
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,782
Hmm. It is.
481
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:27,358
Um, can you cut mine for me?
482
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,427
Deep-fried fingers.
483
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,998
(clock chiming, cuckooing)
484
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:39,904
That was sweet of rose.
Yeah.
485
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:42,273
You know, I-I've always
been so cynical of her.
486
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,942
Maybe she does just want
to be friends, you know?
487
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:48,012
♪ now, he sees you
when you're sleeping... ♪