1 00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:05,871 Ugh. 2 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:07,506 How is it possible 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,509 That kids weigh twice as much when they're asleep? 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,677 I know. 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,679 And he should weigh less after his little mishap 6 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,447 On the spinning teacups. 7 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,449 Yeah. 8 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,852 Felt bad for that girl in the cinderella costume 9 00:00:19,854 --> 00:00:21,653 In the cup behind us. 10 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,656 She was right in the splash zone. 11 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,658 (groans) I'm exhausted. 12 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,293 Me, too. 13 00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:31,296 I'm also sticky and dirty and sweaty and slimy. 14 00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:34,700 I'm like the seven dwarfs of disgusting. 15 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,302 Ugh, I should not have eaten that funnel cake. 16 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,904 (groans) 17 00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,506 Well, I see your funnel cake 18 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:44,643 And raise you a deep-fried snickers stuffed into a twinkie. 19 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,513 I think I blacked out briefly. 20 00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,581 (both groaning) 21 00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:54,053 Is being a dad always this tiring? 22 00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:57,890 These are the best moments of your life. 23 00:00:57,892 --> 00:01:00,559 And they are over so fast. 24 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,561 Seems like only yesterday, 25 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,731 Jake was holding my hand in the haunted house. 26 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:09,568 Now he's half a world away in the army, 27 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,571 Wondering if a "dishonorable discharge" is something you get 28 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,839 From a dirty geisha. 29 00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,908 So sweet. 30 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:26,919 ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 31 00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:29,521 ♪ ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 32 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,595 ♪ men. ♪ 33 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:37,796 Walden? 34 00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,632 What? 35 00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:42,868 What do you want? 36 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,369 Are you asleep? 37 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:47,072 (whines): Yes. 38 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:50,476 That's what people do at... 39 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,946 5:30 in the morning. 40 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,582 Is it okay if I can make breakfast? 41 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,883 Sure. 42 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,184 Thanks. 43 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:03,722 Walden? 44 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:07,793 Walden's not here, please leave a message. 45 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,895 How do you like your pancakes? 46 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,897 Quietly. 47 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:15,300 In three hours. 48 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,669 With blueberries. 49 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,505 Okay, I'll go make them. 50 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,676 Oh, god. 51 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,279 Flames. 52 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,281 ♪ men. ♪ 53 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,183 Walden? 54 00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,118 Ready or not, here I come. 55 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,987 What? 56 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:37,623 Louis and I, we're playing hide and seek. 57 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,424 He's under his bed, hiding 58 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,361 And I'm in the kitchen, seeking sleep. 59 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,962 I hear ya. 60 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,765 I barely got my eight hours. 61 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,600 I don't know if I can handle this. 62 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,602 Little boys have a lot of energy. 63 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,104 They're like cute little crackheads. 64 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:55,107 Except crackheads have better toilet aim. 65 00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:57,509 No, no, this isn't about being tired. 66 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,479 I just, I don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad. 67 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,880 Hey, I didn't think I could live 68 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,048 In a malibu beach house for free, 69 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,517 But I figured it out. 70 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,120 Well, I don't know if I can figure this out. 71 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,955 I mean, th-this kid has bounced around 72 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,024 The foster care system his whole life. 73 00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:14,059 I mean, I-I don't know what he needs. 74 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,227 I mean, does he need structure? 75 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,228 Does he need freedom? 76 00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:19,164 Does he need medication? 77 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:22,968 I should have asked that before they dropped him off. 78 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,037 All he needs is your love and support. 79 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,672 (imitates alan mockingly) 80 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,473 That's a bunch of crap. 81 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,876 Walden, every parent goes through this. 82 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,878 B-but you're actually doing a great job. 83 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,881 You're just overwhelmed because this is all so new, 84 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:38,050 A-and you're trying to be everything to him all the time. 85 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,885 You know, full-time dad, full-time playmate. 86 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,353 You have to give yourself a break. 87 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,354 How? 88 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,755 He's 24-7. 89 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:46,358 He's like the energizer bunny. 90 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,760 You know why you never met the energizer bunny's dad? 91 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,996 'cause one night, he went out for cigarettes, 92 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:54,333 And he just kept going and going and going. 93 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,903 One thing that'll help is getting louis some friends. 94 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,171 Playdates. 95 00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:00,739 They chase each other around for hours, 96 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,741 Eventually they pass out like work dogs. 97 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,910 Kid'll be in bed by 8:00, 98 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,745 Then it's you, me, a bowl of popcorn 99 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,780 And binge-watching the good wife. 100 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,382 Okay, so what? 101 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,384 So, I just... I'll just google a place 102 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,586 To meet a fun cute six-year-old. 103 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,954 Oh, yeah. No. 104 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,790 I heard it when I said it. 105 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,360 ♪ men. ♪ 106 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,961 Uh, this place is awesome. 107 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,030 They have a rock wall. 108 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,099 Will you climb it with me? 109 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:30,469 Oh, buddy, you know, the whole idea is for you to come here 110 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,070 And meet all these other kids. 111 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,205 No, just you and me. 112 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,439 Please? 113 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,374 Oh. 114 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,876 All right, I mean, come on. 115 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,144 How do you say no to those eyes? 116 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,445 I hear ya. 117 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,547 Oh, uh, hey, can I have some money for the snack bar? 118 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,049 Please? No. 119 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,652 It's not my fault you already spent all your allowance. 120 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,127 Room for one more? 121 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,094 Absolutely. 122 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,429 Care for a juice box? 123 00:04:57,431 --> 00:05:00,399 We have cherry, grape and chardonnay. 124 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,969 Well, what else can I say except, "chardonn-yay." 125 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,071 Uh, I am alan. 126 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:08,106 Uh, that's louis over there, he's mine. 127 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,776 I'm danielle, and that's my daughter in the water wings. 128 00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,944 Oh, is there a pool here? No. 129 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,180 At some point, you just pick your battles. 130 00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,150 I'm laurel, this is julie. 131 00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:22,187 Oh, hot dad on the rock wall. 132 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:25,157 I claim this as mount louis! 133 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,026 Wow, he's really cute. 134 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:28,994 Big time. 135 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,295 Sorry, ladies. 136 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,530 He's taken. 137 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,597 No kidding? 138 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,632 Good for you. 139 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,100 How'd you snag him? 140 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:38,270 I met him at a low point in his life, and I took care of him. 141 00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:40,205 And he's been taking care of me every day since. 142 00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,774 (oohing, giggling) 143 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,509 That's the kind of man I need. 144 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,511 No, that's the kind of man I need. 145 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:47,713 You're married. 146 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,314 Yeah, to roger. 147 00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:51,316 He hasn't screwed me since the prenup. 148 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,185 Both: Classic julie. 149 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:56,855 Oh, this is so sex and the city right now. 150 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,057 Alan, do we have any wipes? 151 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,226 The kid above me dripped something on my face. 152 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,528 The best-case scenario is snot. 153 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,896 Here, I've got some. 154 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,865 Oh, thank you. 155 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,034 Walden, this is, uh, laurel, danielle and julie. 156 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,736 The ladies, the gals. 157 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,404 The juice box heroes. 158 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:13,338 Hi. 159 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,306 Hello. 160 00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:15,874 Hi, nice to meet you all. 161 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,042 Your son is adorable. 162 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,145 I'm his husband, silly. 163 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,546 So, uh, which one's yours? 164 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:22,647 My daughter, lily, 165 00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:24,416 Is the one licking that little boy. 166 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,085 Sweetie, we don't lick strangers! 167 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,321 Oh, and I thought we were gonna be friends. 168 00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:30,856 All right. 169 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,225 I'm headed to the ball pit. 170 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:36,228 Same thing he said as he dove under the covers last night. 171 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,562 Boing. 172 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:42,267 ♪ men. ♪ 173 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,702 Thanks for having us. 174 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,905 I got to say, this is a great spot for a playdate. 175 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,507 This view is amazing. 176 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:51,710 Yes. Yes, it is. 177 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,712 You know, I used to walk by houses like this 178 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,080 And think the people on the decks were just looking 179 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,083 Down their noses at everyone, feeling all superior. 180 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,918 Now I know it's true. 181 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:02,387 Roger sold our beach house 182 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,189 'cause he said we never used it. 183 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,625 Using that logic, we should sell his penis. 184 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,627 (laughs) 185 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,629 Classic julie. 186 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,898 Hey, w-we should make this a regular thing. 187 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,466 (thudding, shattering) 188 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,135 Oh. Yeah, next time we'll do it at one of your houses. 189 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,272 Hey, uh, louis, is everything okay? 190 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,907 Over. 191 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,910 Louis: Lego tower fell over. 192 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,478 Uh, you didn't say "over." 193 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,313 Over. 194 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,315 I said the lego tower fell over. 195 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,149 Over. 196 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,985 You're so good with him. Over. 197 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,622 Actually, I-I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. 198 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,057 Join the club. 199 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,826 Parenting's like a yoga class. 200 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,427 You just do what everybody else is doing 201 00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:44,329 And try not to laugh when someone farts. 202 00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:50,068 Okay, so all the kids are playing in louis' room. 203 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,070 Well, technically, three of them are playing together, 204 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,239 And louis is in the corner, coloring by himself. 205 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,440 That's perfectly normal. 206 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,809 The parenting books call it "parallel play." 207 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,811 Oh, that's good to know. 208 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,646 So, in high school, I wasn't such a weirdo. 209 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:04,649 I was just a parallel player. 210 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,385 My sex life with my first wife was a lot of parallel play. 211 00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:09,788 Just give louis time. 212 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,323 Remember, this is all new for him. 213 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:12,858 Kind of like learning on my honeymoon 214 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,193 That I wasn't going to have sex was all new for me. 215 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,195 You know, I just want him to have friends. 216 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,798 You know, like a couple girls, and a couple boys. 217 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,199 He's gonna be fine. 218 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,201 In the meantime, I have made some friends 219 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,804 Who have welcomed me into the secret world of women. 220 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,639 I am this close to discovering everything about them. 221 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,975 What they like, what they don't like. 222 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,177 And where they don't like it. 223 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,213 We're supposed to be here helping louis make friends. 224 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,048 Oh, please, I see how you look at laurel. 225 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,551 It's the same way I look at a five dollar bill in a tip jar 226 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,186 I think I can swap out for a single. 227 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,188 Okay, what are you talking about? 228 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,457 That is louis' friend's mom. 229 00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:47,659 And, yes, we get along great. 230 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,461 And, yes, she's pretty and nice. 231 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,663 And, yes, she used to be a gymnast and can still 232 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,831 Put her legs behind her head. 233 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,032 And she is out there. 234 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,035 So why am I still standing here, talking to you? 235 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,205 I can put my legs behind my head, but you'll never see it. 236 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,209 ♪ men. ♪ 237 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,810 He was a really nice guy, mm-hmm. 238 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,379 And I liked hanging out with him, 239 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:08,680 But when we got to the bedroom, 240 00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,682 He was just, well... 241 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,818 If he were a candy bar, he'd be the fun size. 242 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,820 There's nothing fun about that. 243 00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:19,224 Yeah, nothing worse than a small penis. 244 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,293 But, seriously, how small is too small? 245 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,095 Alan, you are a riot. 246 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,164 We should hang out with you more often. 247 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,366 Hey, what do you say, we all go out 248 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:29,568 This Saturday for a girls night? 249 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,570 You know, get a limo, go out dancing, 250 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,038 Wear our sluttiest outfits. 251 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,607 Julie, you can wear what you're wearing now. 252 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,343 Uh, I'm bad. 253 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,345 Should we go check on the kids? 254 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,713 Are you kidding? 255 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:44,716 They're set up with pizza, popsicles and the lego movie. 256 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,117 For the next two hours, 257 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,019 ♪ everything is awesome. 258 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:51,022 Yeah, I've seen that movie, like, five times. 259 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,291 I should really watch it with louis at some point. 260 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,726 I haven't seen a movie 261 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,295 That wasn't for a kid in forever. 262 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,297 The other night I actually had a sex dream 263 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,032 About an animated character. 264 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,401 Whoa... 265 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,402 Prince charming? 266 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,372 The old guy from up. 267 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:12,444 And, sadly, it was the only sex I've had in two years. 268 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,879 Well, if it meant a whole night's sleep, 269 00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:18,450 I'd have sex with an animated ed asner, too. 270 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,085 You think you're tired now. 271 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,087 You missed the hardest years. 272 00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:25,290 The-the... The picky eating, the tantrums, the bed-wetting. 273 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:28,460 Okay, to be fair, I get all of that with alan. 274 00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:32,297 You guys are a great team. Hmm. 275 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,832 The only thing my ex would help with 276 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,767 Was driving the babysitter home. 277 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,335 She'd have the kids in bed by 8:00 278 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,337 And my husband in bed by 10:00. 279 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,240 Oh... That's horrible. 280 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,908 Is she a good sitter? 'cause we're looking. 281 00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,810 Sorry. 282 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,647 Without that jerk of an ex, 283 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,248 I wouldn't have lily, 284 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,417 And even at six years old, she's my best friend. 285 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,786 I hope I get there with louis at some point. 286 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,354 You'll get there. 287 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,789 I hope I stay there with lily. 288 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,591 I'm afraid that by the time she's a teenager, 289 00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,526 She'll be like, "mom, you're 100! 290 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,361 Nobody believes I'm your sister!" 291 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,430 Okay, how could anyone say that 292 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,967 About someone as pretty, smart and flexible as you? 293 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,502 (laughs) 294 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,203 You're so sweet. 295 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,838 You don't happen to know 296 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,508 Of a single, straight version of you, do you? 297 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,344 I used to know one. 298 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,346 Are you looking for a date? 299 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,615 I told you, it's been over two years. 300 00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,684 I need a lot more than a date. 301 00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,592 ♪ popsicles are awesome! 302 00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,396 Okay, I'm gonna go check on the kids. 303 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,499 I'm gonna wait here for a bit. 304 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,068 ♪ men. ♪ 305 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,206 ♪ men. ♪ 306 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,374 Hope you are ready to go. 307 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,675 The ladies just instagrammed 308 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,343 A selfie from the limo. 309 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,413 #girlsnightout is on like chaka khan! 310 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,083 All right, louis is eating his dinner. 311 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,217 Walden: Oh, great. 312 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,986 Hey, thank you again for watching him tonight. 313 00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,388 And if anything comes up-- 314 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,390 And I mean anything at all-- you call my cell. 315 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,324 Got it. 316 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,326 Oh, if he wants to play a game, 317 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,694 He likes chutes and ladders. 318 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,196 And if he want to watch a cartoon, 319 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:12,564 He likes phineas and ferb. 320 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:16,000 And who does he like in the cardinals-rams game tonight? 321 00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,535 I know I'm being a little bit crazy, 322 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,537 But this is the first time I've left him alone. 323 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,773 Relax, I had five kids, 324 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,576 12 grandkids and four great-grandkids. 325 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,878 I've done it all. 326 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,615 Except teach them about birth control. 327 00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,417 I don't feel good. 328 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,552 Oh, no. What's the matter? 329 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,854 I just threw up. 330 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:38,523 Oh, no. Oh... Yep. 331 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,391 He's got a fever. (sighs) 332 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,260 I'll bet it was that snot-nosed kid on the rock wall. 333 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,295 Typhoid tyler. Yeah. 334 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:45,597 I got this. 335 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:48,433 I worked for charlie for ten years. 336 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,902 I know vomit. 337 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:54,239 Cleaning it up and inducing it. 338 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,641 I never threw up spaghettios before. 339 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,543 It's kind of fun. Oh... 340 00:12:58,545 --> 00:12:59,711 (berta laughs) 341 00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,045 Should we go to the doctor? 342 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:02,046 Oh, no, no. 343 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,448 I'm sure it's just a tummy ache. 344 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,617 I'll text the girls and let 'em know we can't make it. 345 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,585 Oh, no. Come on. You go. 346 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:08,820 You sure? 347 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,922 Yeah, come on, this is what a parent does. 348 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,323 This is what I signed up for. 349 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,458 Besides, you took a half an hour 350 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,993 Getting into those spanx. 351 00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,229 All right. Sorry. 352 00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,998 Um... I'll send pictures. 353 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,566 Danielle said that if I get her drunk enough 354 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:22,667 She'll show me her tattoos. 355 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:26,271 Uh, she's got a bird on her hand and two in her... 356 00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:29,140 ♪ men. ♪ 357 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,675 Walden... 358 00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,477 I'm sorry I got sick. 359 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,745 What? Come on, man. 360 00:13:33,747 --> 00:13:34,746 Don't be sorry. 361 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:35,780 It happens. 362 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,615 I'm sorry you don't feel well. 363 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,484 But you were going to go out with alan 364 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,085 And now you can't 'cause of me. 365 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,121 Oh, I'm not missing anything. 366 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,190 You ever seen alan dance? 367 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,660 All right. 368 00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:49,928 Now, you get some good sleep 369 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,297 And I'm gonna be right here 370 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,431 If you need anything. 371 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,033 Oh, and you know who else'll be here? 372 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,235 Your new friend, "barfy the bucket." 373 00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:00,305 (high-pitched voice): ♪ I'm here for you 374 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,774 ♪ if you're ready to spew! 375 00:14:02,776 --> 00:14:04,809 (laughs) 376 00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,344 ♪ men. ♪ 377 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,413 (doorbell rings) 378 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:13,551 Hey. 379 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,886 Laurel. 380 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,187 What are you doing here? 381 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,488 I bailed. 382 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,957 Didn't alan tell you? 383 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,558 No, the only thing I got 384 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,460 Was a picture of alan twerking. 385 00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:28,566 With a caption that said, "alan got his groove back." 386 00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,735 Well, when I heard that louis was sick, 387 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,370 I thought you could use some help. 388 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,638 And soup. 389 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,839 Come on, that is so sweet. 390 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,574 You did not have to do this. 391 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,210 You look amazing. Oh, thanks. 392 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,645 Well, I already had the sitter, and... 393 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:43,715 First rule of parenting: Never cancel the sitter. 394 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,750 Well, unless she's banging your husband. 395 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,253 Too far? 396 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,088 No, uh, "too far" 397 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,689 Was starting a facebook page 398 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,826 Called "tiffany jones is a husband-stealing little bitch." 399 00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:59,530 Uh, do you know what louis has? 400 00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:00,999 Uh, well, I went on the internet 401 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,268 And I've narrowed it down to either the flu, 402 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:06,371 Rickets or early-onset menopause. 403 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,605 Second rule of parenting: 404 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,240 Never consult the internet. 405 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,675 (chuckles) how's he doing now? 406 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,744 Well, he's asleep 407 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:13,878 And he's doing pretty well. 408 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,680 Oh, good, because... 409 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:18,116 I brought this for us. 410 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,117 Oh... 411 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,785 You know, third rule of parenting: 412 00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,721 Kids aren't the only ones that can drink from a bottle. 413 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,924 ♪ men. ♪ 414 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,725 ♪ oh, yes, it's ladies' night 415 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,794 ♪ and the feeling's right 416 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:32,563 ♪ oh, yes, it's ladies' night, oh, what a night ♪ 417 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,933 (deep voice): ♪ oh, what a night. 418 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,634 (whooping) 419 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,635 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 420 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:38,870 Easy, there. 421 00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:40,371 I pour strong when the alcohol's free. 422 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,706 I have to cram a lot of fun 423 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:42,974 Into a short amount of time. Alan: Mmm. 424 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,776 Kind of like sex with roger. 425 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:45,777 (women laughing) 426 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,278 What is it with guys 427 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,746 And their constant need for sex? 428 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,815 Look at alan here. He's out with two women, 429 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,650 But I bet even he wants sex right now. 430 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,953 I do. I really do. 431 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,287 Oh, my god! Let's dance! 432 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,555 (whoops) 433 00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:58,823 (both whooping) 434 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,558 ♪ 435 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,793 Come up here, alan! 436 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,861 No, I-I'm good down here. 437 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,798 Well, he's still asleep 438 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,499 And he feels cooler, 439 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,301 But now I'm worried that he might have hypothermia. 440 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,736 Yeah. 441 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,338 You know, one of the hardest lessons 442 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,906 I've had to learn as a parent is sometimes 443 00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:16,507 You just gotta relax. 444 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,575 (laughing): Relax? 445 00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:18,776 All I do is worry. 446 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:19,978 And now that I don't sleep, 447 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,746 I have plenty of time to do it. 448 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,681 Is he exercising enough? 449 00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,817 Is he eating right? Does he even want to stay here? 450 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,519 I mean, this is the most terrifying thing I've ever done. 451 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,822 And-- this is scarier than when I bought the big iphone 452 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,824 And I didn't know if it would fit in my pocket. 453 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,892 (laughs) 454 00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:38,696 You think you're scared? 455 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:39,864 I have a daughter. 456 00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,833 I worry about all the same things you do, 457 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,534 Plus penises. 458 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,136 And with you, 459 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,038 You have to worry about animated penises. 460 00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:50,641 I should have never told you that. 461 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,543 You should never tell anyone that. 462 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:55,013 All right, all right. What-what's your next date? 463 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,381 Shrek? 464 00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,984 No, no, no. The-the genie from aladdin. 465 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,619 Or-or maybe you'll have a three-way 466 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,788 With the hakuna matata guys? 467 00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:06,557 Shut up. 468 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,625 Make me. 469 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,994 I could make you. 470 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,696 Oh, yeah? 471 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,031 Mm-hmm. 472 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,866 I'm right here. 473 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,441 I'm so sorry. What? Why? 474 00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:27,879 You're married. 475 00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:29,747 To a man. Oh... 476 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,049 That. Uh... 477 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,316 I should go. 478 00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:34,752 No, no, no, no. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. 479 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,422 Here's... Okay, the thing about my marriage is... 480 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,090 I'm not gay. 481 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,159 Does alan know? 482 00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,695 His brain knows, 483 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:47,732 But his heart may not. 484 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,833 Here-here-here, here's the thing. 485 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,201 Here's the thing: Alan is... 486 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,669 He's my best friend, okay? 487 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,071 And-and he married me as a favor 488 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,673 So it would be easier to adopt louis. 489 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:56,741 Okay? And-and... 490 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,843 Well, I mean... The fact that you 491 00:17:58,845 --> 00:17:59,844 Married your best friend 492 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,346 So that you could adopt louis is.. 493 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,782 Actually very sweet. 494 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,185 So... 495 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:11,756 ...You're not mad at me? 496 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,925 Hakuna matata. 497 00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:18,362 That's my philosophy. 498 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:23,034 So... 499 00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:26,471 ...Can we kiss again? Yeah. 500 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:31,142 It's been so long since I've kissed a man. Oh... 501 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,144 I wish I could say the same thing. 502 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:37,415 Julie, your boobs look great in that blouse. 503 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,916 I am so jealous. 504 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,284 Thanks to my kids, 505 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,954 Mine went from 34b to 34 "used to be." 506 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,956 I like your boobs. 507 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:45,756 I don't know. 508 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:46,991 What do you think, alan, 509 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,126 Should I get 'em done? 510 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,727 Oh, well, I'm no expert. 511 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,962 I-I think they're lovely. 512 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,163 Are you sure? 513 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,397 Oh, my! 514 00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,099 You just did that. 515 00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,668 Um, you guys, I-I think there's something I should tell you... 516 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,903 He has nothing to compare them with. 517 00:18:58,905 --> 00:18:59,971 Here. 518 00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:05,243 You guys are my best friends. 519 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,477 Aw! Aw! 520 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,479 Okay, okay. 521 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,848 I-I know you haven't done this in a while, 522 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,850 So I don't want to go too fast, 523 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,285 But do you want to go up to my... 524 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,119 Let's go. 525 00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:17,488 Oh. 526 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,191 Louis (over walkie-talkie): Walden? 527 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,726 Can you come here? 528 00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,329 He didn't say "over," so it doesn't count. 529 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:27,999 Oh, go check on him. 530 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,534 It's fine. 531 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,636 I've waited for two years, I can wait a little bit longer. 532 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,505 Thank you. 533 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,542 Oh. Don't start without me. 534 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,210 Or do. 535 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,546 Oh, uh, by the way, if you want to stay in the mood, 536 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,614 We get all the cartoon channels. 537 00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:48,119 ♪ men. ♪ 538 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:02,033 Walden? 539 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:12,910 Parenting rule number four: 540 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,179 Sleep is better than sex. 541 00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,614 ♪ men. ♪ 542 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,320 This is the best night of my life. 543 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,589 I love you girls. 544 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,325 We should get matching tattoos. 545 00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:29,026 I have a better idea. 546 00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,061 Let's go to a strip club! 547 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:32,830 That is better! 548 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,099 (whooping) 549 00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:38,002 ♪ oh, yes, it's ladies' night... ♪ 550 00:20:39,938 --> 00:20:42,006 This was a great idea. 551 00:20:44,376 --> 00:20:47,211 That is definitely bigger than fun size. 552 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,946 Make it rain! 553 00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:50,648 Yeah, give him some money! 554 00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:55,686 Oh, this just keeps getting better.