1 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,535 ♪ men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,137 Hey, louis, check it out. 3 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:08,340 This app will help you learn how to speak mandarin chinese. 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,342 Are you sending me to china? 5 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,611 No, I'd never do that. 6 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,813 He sent his kid to japan. 7 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:15,814 Oh, no, no. 8 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,616 The-the army sent him to japan. 9 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,685 You're sending me to the army? 10 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,120 No, no, n-no. 11 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,287 We're not sending you anywhere. 12 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,889 We-we just want to help you learn. 13 00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:24,990 So, check it out. 14 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:27,192 You can type in any phrase, 15 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:30,129 And the app will say it for you. 16 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:33,832 (woman speaking mandarin chinese) 17 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,067 Ooh, what'd she say? 18 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,068 She sounds pretty. 19 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,569 She said, "alan, your fly is open." 20 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,004 Oh. Oh! 21 00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:41,173 (chuckles) uh, well, how do you tell her, "thank you"? 22 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,242 Uh, let's find out. 23 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,078 Xiexie. 24 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,715 That's gonna blow their minds down at the panda express. 25 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,418 Extra orange chicken, xiexie. 26 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:55,220 Walden, I-I'm chinese elvis. 27 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,855 Xiexie. Xiexie, very much. 28 00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:57,856 (chuckles) 29 00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,058 All right. 30 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,060 Let's put on these headphones, 31 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:04,329 And we'll learn a little chinese, huh? 32 00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,698 So, um, listen, g-going forward, 33 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,435 Um, how are we gonna do this whole co-parenting thing? 34 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,702 What do you mean? 35 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,671 Well, when you were gonna adopt a baby, 36 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,506 We were gonna get a divorce right after. 37 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:17,342 But now, if we become louis's foster parents, 38 00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,745 We're gonna have to be together for a minimum of six months. 39 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,946 Uh, not that I'm complaining. 40 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,748 This is the happiest and most loving of any 41 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,683 Of my three marriages. 42 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,118 I'm thinking it would just be the opposite 43 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,419 Of when jake was here. 44 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,188 You were the dad, and I occasionally imparted wisdom, 45 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,957 Like... The skull and crossbones on a bottle 46 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,426 Underneath the sink doesn't mean that it's pirate juice. 47 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,029 Okay, well, uh, uh, 48 00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:39,031 Then I will follow your lead with louis. 49 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:41,867 I will be the second in command, the-the copilot, 50 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:45,204 The, uh, the, uh, the lieutenant, if you will. 51 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,605 I won't. 52 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,641 This is hard. 53 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,143 Oh, all right, let me help you out here. 54 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,778 Type in a phrase. 55 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,146 Anything you want to say. 56 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,116 Okay. 57 00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:00,185 "I... Want to quit." 58 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,056 Okay, uh... 59 00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:07,326 (speaks mandarin chinese) 60 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,964 If you're trying to say, "I want to quit," 61 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,433 It's pronounced... (speaks mandarin chinese) 62 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:17,469 What you asked for is a lap dance. 63 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,671 Oh, my god, I'm sorry. 64 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,240 It's okay, I wasn't offended. 65 00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,642 Oh, well, in that case... 66 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,177 (repeats mispronunciation) 67 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,079 (laughs) 68 00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:28,080 I'm jean. 69 00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:29,214 I'm walden. 70 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,251 Oh, and, uh, this is louis and alan. 71 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,086 Hi. Nice to meet you. 72 00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:36,455 So, you're teaching louis mandarin? 73 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:39,324 Well, I bought him, uh, an app for 99 cents, 74 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,927 So, yeah, I'm teaching him. 75 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:44,196 (laughs) 76 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:47,599 Well, I speak fluent mandarin, so if you need any help 77 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,669 With anything... 78 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,171 Give me a call. 79 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:55,140 Ah, well, I could always use a helping hand. 80 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,208 (chuckles) 81 00:02:58,144 --> 00:03:01,146 (speaking mandarin chinese) 82 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:03,782 Oh. Oh! 83 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,187 Nice meeting you. 84 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,890 What happened? 85 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,692 What did you say? 86 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,994 He said, "they're married." 87 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:19,131 And if he hadn't, I was about to. 88 00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:22,201 ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 89 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:24,970 ♪ ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 90 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,976 ♪ men. ♪ 91 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,144 How's it going out there? 92 00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:33,979 I don't know. I'm trying to read their lips. 93 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,681 He either said, "I really like it here," 94 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,649 Or "I'd really like a beer." 95 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,352 I-I'm sure he's saying good things. 96 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,154 You know, how-how you're teaching him chinese, 97 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:45,157 How I'm teaching him environmental awareness. 98 00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:47,426 You taught him to pee in the shower to save water. 99 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,429 And you know what our mother earth says to that? 100 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,164 Xiexie. 101 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:57,236 I got to tell you, I've already grown attached to this kid. 102 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,271 And if she does try to take him away, 103 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,506 I know a guy who can get him back. 104 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,275 You're kidding, right? 105 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,444 Right, kidding. 106 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:09,448 But if I find an envelope in my car with, say, two grand in it, 107 00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:11,984 I have no way of knowing where it came from. 108 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:14,419 Can I talk to you guys for a second? 109 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,388 Uh, yeah, sure. 110 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,889 Uh, berta, could you watch louis? 111 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,291 Absolutely. 112 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,293 We'll be in the car with the engine running. 113 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:27,099 So, I talked to louis about his weekend here. 114 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:30,068 Uh, did he answer you in english or mandarin? 115 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,436 English. 116 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,472 Though I'm very impressed you're teaching him chinese. 117 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:35,307 And to pee in the shower. 118 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,276 That's mine. 119 00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:41,213 I'm also teaching him to dance like no one is watching. 120 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,784 Well, he seems to have settled in nicely. 121 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,086 He feels very happy and safe with you guys, 122 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,389 So I see no reason why I shouldn't approve you 123 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,790 To be louis's foster parents. 124 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,091 Really? Are you serious? 125 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,660 I rarely lie about these things. 126 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:57,095 I did it once, and it did not go well. 127 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,164 This-this is great! 128 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,401 I-I know. I-I've never been approved for anything, ever. 129 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,403 Bite me, discover card. 130 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,305 Congratulations! Thank you! 131 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:08,307 This is my favorite part of the job. 132 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,175 Well, that and doughnut Friday. 133 00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:12,311 Oh, god, my life is empty. 134 00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:14,012 Oh, wait, d-does louis know? 135 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,014 No, he thinks I'm happy. 136 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:20,485 Oh, you mean about him here. 137 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,120 Uh, no, you should tell him. 138 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,289 But before you do, just remember, 139 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,292 Kids who've been in the foster system as long as he has can be 140 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,161 A little withdrawn or manipulative, 141 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,029 So don't be surprised if he acts out. 142 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,265 It's okay. I was a rebel when I was a kid. 143 00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,267 One night, I took my mom's car for a joyride. 144 00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:37,269 (chuckles) the cops would have never caught me 145 00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:40,339 If the library hadn't been closed. 146 00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:41,673 Well, call me if you need anything. 147 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,875 I got to run. I got to hit the craft store. 148 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:47,813 I am making each one of my cats a christmas stocking. 149 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:50,282 I should have stopped at "I got to run." 150 00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,384 Anyway, congratulations. 151 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,688 Oh, hey, uh, louis, could you come in here? 152 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,491 Oh, my god, we should tell him he can't stay. 153 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,859 How funny would that be? 154 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,596 I'll follow your lead. 155 00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:09,568 Hey, louis, um, 156 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,336 So ms. Mcmartin said 157 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,805 That you like it here and you want to stay. 158 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:14,806 I do. 159 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,041 Well, we told her 160 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,709 That we want you to stay, 161 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,179 And she said... Okay! 162 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,547 Really? Cool! 163 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,049 Yeah. We should celebrate. 164 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,351 Can we get pizza, zippy? 165 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,353 (berta laughs) 166 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,422 That turned out funnier than I thought it would. 167 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,326 ♪ men. 168 00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:36,328 You know, when my son was your age, 169 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,530 We used to play video games just like this. 170 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,866 Really? Yes, and I used to let him win, 171 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,367 Just like I'm letting you win... 172 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,502 (cars crashing over tv) hey! 173 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:45,404 How'd you blow up my car?! 174 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:48,507 All right, louis, time to get ready for bed. 175 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,275 Five more minutes? 176 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,443 No. You know the deal. 177 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:54,045 One hour of video games a night. Now it's bedtime. 178 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,614 Aw, no fair. 179 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:56,782 Well, life isn't fair. 180 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,450 Look at my face, look at his. 181 00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,453 All right, I'm gonna go run you a bath. 182 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:04,122 Put your dishes in the sink and put away the controllers. 183 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,191 And, louis, you help him. 184 00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:13,298 Oh, I know you're upset, but rules are important. 185 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,469 It's just, we never got to play video games in the group home. 186 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:20,472 Oh, of course. 187 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,541 The group home. 188 00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,379 Okay, what if we just snuck in a few more minutes? 189 00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:29,581 Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh... 190 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,949 But you can't tell walden, 191 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,418 And we have to play it really quietly. 192 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,386 (quietly): You're the coolest. 193 00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:36,188 (gasps) I'm the cool dad. 194 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,458 (whispers): I'm the cool dad. 195 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,396 ♪ men. 196 00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:45,730 Oh, hey there, kiddo. 197 00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:46,598 How'd you sleep? 198 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,500 With my eyes closed. 199 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,569 Ah, kicking it old school. 200 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,003 I respect that. 201 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,438 Can I have breakfast? 202 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,341 Sure. How about some oatmeal? 203 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:57,509 Cookies! 204 00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,612 Well, do you like oatmeal cookies? Yes. 205 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,414 Well, this is a sugarless oatmeal cookie 206 00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:04,483 In wet, pasty form. 207 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:05,917 Why can't I have cookies? 208 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,786 Well, because cookies aren't breakfast food. 209 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,988 And remember what walden said about eating healthy. 210 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,490 Yeah, I know. 211 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:15,260 My last foster family wouldn't give me cookies either. 212 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,862 Oh. 213 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:21,366 I suppose one wouldn't hurt. 214 00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:26,438 Thanks. (chuckles) 215 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,306 Walden: Hey, louis, are you up yet? 216 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:30,308 Oh. Uh, in here! 217 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,110 (quietly): Eat it. Wipe your mouth. 218 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,647 Chocolate lips sink ships. 219 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,350 Morning. Just making louis some oatmeal. 220 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,052 That's good, 'cause we got a big day for you, big guy. 221 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,721 I got a bunch of errands to run, 222 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,357 But alan is gonna take you to the store 223 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,158 And buy you a new backpack. 224 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,394 I saw one that looks just like yoda. 225 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,863 (imitates yoda): To school you will wear it. 226 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,465 Okay. Hmm. 227 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,467 What are you eating? 228 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:58,670 Show it to me. 229 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,038 Is that a cookie? 230 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,074 Where did you get a cookie? 231 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,947 Louis, where did you get a cookie? 232 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,485 Hey, uh, louis, why don't you go get dressed 233 00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:15,554 And-and I'll make you some oatmeal, 234 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,222 And then you can get going. 235 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,256 Okay. 236 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,591 Oh, and-and don't forget 237 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:20,859 To brush your teeth. 238 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,594 And-and wash your hands. 239 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,663 Oh, and put on clean underwear. 240 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:25,730 Clean underwear? 241 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,199 We're going to target, not the white house. 242 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,369 Why would you give him a cookie for breakfast? 243 00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:34,706 I couldn't help it. He gave me orphan face. 244 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,841 (cockney accent): Please, sir, can I have a cookie? 245 00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:39,844 Me tum-tum is all empty and growly. 246 00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:42,213 When it comes to louis, we have to be a team. 247 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,616 If I make a rule, you got to have my back. 248 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,551 You're right, you're right, and-and from now on, 249 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,853 I will ignore him like I ignore all those calls 250 00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,188 From the collection agency. 251 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,557 Great. Okay, now, please, 252 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,559 Today, just take him to the store, 253 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,561 Get him a backpack, and then bring him home. 254 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,963 I want to do something fun later. 255 00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,632 A hint: Has to do with miniature golf 256 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:03,568 And it rhymes with "what-what." 257 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:04,903 That sounds great. 258 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,638 I'll, uh, take him out right after breakfast. 259 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,707 And while you're out, get some more of these cookies. 260 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:12,444 (cockney accent): They make me tum-tum all smiley, governor. 261 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,713 See, I can do accents. 262 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,715 ♪ men. ♪ 263 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:20,418 Okay. Okay, here's the fun part. Wait. Wait. 264 00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,754 ♪ domo arigato, mr. Roboto 265 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,889 ♪ domo ♪ domo 266 00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:26,825 ♪ domo ♪ domo 267 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,095 ♪ domo arigato, mr. Roboto ♪ 268 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,763 ♪ domo ♪ domo 269 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,398 ♪ domo. ♪ domo. 270 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,599 (music continues) 271 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,068 I like that song. It's about robots. 272 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,771 Yup. If you have to have one cassette stuck in your dash, 273 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,239 Make it styx. 274 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,242 Look, laser tag! Can we go? 275 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,744 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. 276 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,913 We're just gonna go buy a backpack and go straight home. 277 00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,081 Please? 278 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,484 Oh, no, do not give me that face. 279 00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:53,818 It is not gonna work. 280 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,820 I thought you were cool. 281 00:10:57,123 --> 00:11:00,959 Well... I suppose one game of laser tag couldn't hurt. 282 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,160 Awesome! 283 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,695 But it has to be a... 284 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,463 (turns up music) 285 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:06,498 ♪ secret, secret 286 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,566 Both: ♪ I got a secret... 287 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:10,802 ♪ men. ♪ 288 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:13,371 (kids laughing, lasers firing) 289 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,044 (laughs) 290 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:22,213 Go tell your mommies you got shot by cooldad47. 291 00:11:24,817 --> 00:11:27,218 Hey, hey, who hit me? 292 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,621 I got you. Oh. I'm gonna get you. 293 00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:30,622 I'm gonna get you. 294 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,390 Yeah, yeah, you better run. 295 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:33,658 Better run faster. 296 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,226 (thump) louis: Ow, my head! 297 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,461 Louis? 298 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,629 Louis, are you okay? 299 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:38,963 Hey, whoa, whoa! 300 00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,899 Wait, wait, don't shoot! Uh, my kid is hurt. 301 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:44,636 Ha, ha. Sucker. 302 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,404 ♪ men. ♪ 303 00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,744 ♪ men. ♪ 304 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,813 Hey. I got here as quick as I could. 305 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,214 Are you okay, buddy? What happened? 306 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,849 He's fine. It's typical kid stuff, you know? 307 00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,317 He was running a little too fast, 308 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,719 And he tripped and bumped his head. 309 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,754 And then alan shot a little girl. 310 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,659 What? We played laser tag. 311 00:12:07,661 --> 00:12:09,027 ♪ secret, secret 312 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,595 ♪ it was a secret. 313 00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:15,567 Alan, can I talk to you in the hallway? 314 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,736 Ooh, you're in trouble. 315 00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:29,280 I really hope you have a good explanation 316 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,882 For taking him to laser tag. 317 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,618 Uh, okay, j-just out of curiosity, 318 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,553 Um, uh, what, in your opinion, 319 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,022 Would qualify as a good explanation? 320 00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:40,125 I don't know. Y-your car broke down 321 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,793 Outside of the place. 322 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,462 And then the tornado was coming, so you took shelter inside. 323 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,898 And then once you got in there, you contracted a rare disease 324 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,235 That could only be cured by playing laser tag. 325 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,771 Wow, it's like you were there. 326 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,105 What the hell, man? 327 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,473 You said you had my back. 328 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,041 Why do you keep doing this? 329 00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,243 He thinks I'm cool. 330 00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,644 I mean, when jake was a kid, 331 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,246 He thought charlie was the cool one. 332 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,381 When you moved in, jake thought you were the cool one. 333 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,749 Now it's my turn. 334 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,485 Louis thinks I'm al-al cool dad. 335 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:08,920 No, he doesn't. 336 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:10,488 He's using this 337 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,892 To manipulate you just like ms. Mcmartin said he would. 338 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,227 Oh, so the-the only possible reason that someone 339 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,563 Would like me is because they're trying to manipulate me? 340 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,565 Yes, that's right! 341 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:24,469 You're not al-al cool dad, you're just weird al. 342 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,805 Okay, first of all, 343 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,340 That's a compliment to a lover of puns. 344 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,743 Secondly, you're overreacting. 345 00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,344 Overreacting? 346 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,347 (quietly): I asked you to get louis a backpack. 347 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,349 Instead you got him stitches! 348 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,684 Uh, actually, it's a liquid band. 349 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,020 Shut up! 350 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,922 Louis is fine. 351 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,957 Kids get hurt all the time, especially boys. 352 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,325 Jake was constantly banging his head. Okay, 353 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,594 I really don't think you should be using jake as an example. 354 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:52,330 Oh, so what are you saying? That I did a bad job raising my son? 355 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,800 Jake is great, but he did just send you a photo from tokyo 356 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:58,937 And said-- and I quote-- "look at what a great job they did 357 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,806 Rebuilding the city after godzilla." 358 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:05,176 Okay, I may not be the best parent in the world, 359 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,846 But at least I found a woman willing to have a kid with me. 360 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,781 Okay, you know what, we should drop this. 361 00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:12,016 Like you did jake, on his head, repeatedly. 362 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,785 Yeah. I don't have to take this. 363 00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,553 So I am just gonna walk away. 364 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,555 Like every woman you've ever dated. 365 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,058 Oh, no, you're gonna walk away? 366 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,793 Well, when am I gonna see you again? 367 00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,962 Oh, I know. In 20 minutes, 368 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,865 At my house, where you live rent-free. 369 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,467 Proctology is on the eighth floor, walden! 370 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,903 In case you'd like to get that stick removed. 371 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:35,306 Al-al cool dad, out. 372 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:41,246 ♪ men. ♪ 373 00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,016 Morning. 374 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,351 Morning. 375 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,586 I want you to know I spent a lot of time thinking 376 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:49,888 About everything last night. 377 00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,089 And? 378 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:54,025 And I think an apology is sufficient. 379 00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,627 I don't need a gift. 380 00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:58,329 Although I certainly wouldn't refuse 381 00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,697 A new panini press. 382 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,165 That's a great idea. 383 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,067 You know, if I bought you a panini press, 384 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:06,704 Would you smash your balls between the hot metal grates? 385 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,539 Oh, okay. 386 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,242 I see I'm the only one capable of being a mature adult, 387 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,344 So to you I say... 388 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,712 (blows raspberry) 389 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,614 You spit on me. 390 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:17,949 Oh, did I? 391 00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,183 (blows raspberry) 392 00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:20,451 Okay. 393 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,719 Let's go. (blows raspberry) 394 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,288 (blows raspberry) 395 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,523 (both blowing raspberries) 396 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,991 Can I play, too? 397 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,595 (blows raspberry) 398 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,865 Hey, buddy, uh, you're already finished with your chores? 399 00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,800 Yup, I made my bed. 400 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,036 What a responsible young man. 401 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,638 I asked you to do something and you did it. 402 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,974 And he's six. 403 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,610 Hey, uh, buddy, now that you're finished with your chores, 404 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,979 What do you say we go bowling, huh? 405 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,314 Doesn't that sound fun? 406 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:50,982 We get to wear other people's shoes. 407 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,250 Can alan come? 408 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,252 Oh... 409 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,421 Alan already wears other people's shoes. 410 00:15:56,423 --> 00:16:00,258 I actually have to go to the grocery store, anyway. 411 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,827 Do you know what else would be fun? 412 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,929 Hey, anything you want to do. 413 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,065 Let's go to the grocery store with alan. 414 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,469 (blows raspberry) 415 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,472 ♪ men. ♪ 416 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,140 Can I get pop tarts? 417 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:19,010 (french accent): Ah, pop tarts. 418 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,912 This is a wonderful choice. 419 00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:23,982 Might I suggest the classic strawberry? 420 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,484 Is best by 2016. 421 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,586 This is an excellent year. 422 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,456 Anything for the lady? 423 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:35,093 Perhaps a glass of kiss my shir-ass. 424 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,128 Oh, oh. 425 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,029 What do you got there, buddy? 426 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,365 I want froot loops. 427 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,034 You know, we only get one special treat. 428 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:45,670 So if you want those, we got to put the pop tarts back. 429 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,138 But I want both. 430 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,941 Well, here's the thing: We can't have both. 431 00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,710 So... That's the rule. 432 00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:03,454 Ooh, this should be good. 433 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,160 Okay, louis... 434 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,628 You heard what I said. 435 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,096 You can't have these. 436 00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,203 Oh, snap... 437 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,272 Crackle and pop. 438 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:26,811 What are you doing? 439 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,479 I want froot loops. 440 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,748 Okay, I'm gonna count to three, 441 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,451 And if you don't get up, you're gonna be in big trouble. 442 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:38,189 Ooh, counting. This is some groundbreaking stuff. 443 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,258 One... 444 00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:42,760 ...Two... 445 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,563 ...Three. 446 00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:49,033 One... 447 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,102 One and a half... 448 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,938 Well, you clearly have this under control. 449 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,040 I'm gonna go check out the cuties in the produce section. 450 00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:59,510 And I may or may not be talking about the tangerines. 451 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:02,847 You hear that, louis? He's leaving. 452 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,949 And I, now, I guess, 453 00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:07,185 Now I'm leaving, so... 454 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,020 Unless you want to live here in the cereal aisle, 455 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:11,255 I suggest you get up. 456 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,193 All right, okay. Here we go, then. 457 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,928 Have fun. (chuckles) 458 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,430 I hope captain crunch can put you through college. 459 00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:27,004 Next stop is the checkout aisle. 460 00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:30,775 That's it. 461 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,144 I am not kidding, I mean it. I am leaving. 462 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,213 Alan (imitating p.A.): Attention shoppers, 463 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,881 We are having a two-for-one sale 464 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:40,718 On meaningless threats in aisle five. 465 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,487 Can you help me out here? Help? Oh, oh. 466 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,921 You want me to help? 467 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,724 Well, I suppose I could drop him on his head repeatedly. 468 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,961 Okay, you know what, I deserve that. 469 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,096 Yesterday I said some things that I regret. 470 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:54,999 Mm. Like what? God, do we have to do this now? 471 00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,167 Why not? I'm not going anywhere. 472 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,803 Clearly, he's not going anywhere. 473 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,773 Okay, fine, I said that-that you're not a very good father. 474 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,809 And that is simply not true. 475 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,077 Thank you. 476 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:08,079 That must have been hard for you to say. 477 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:11,115 And jake is a very bright and capable young man. 478 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,551 And that must have been damn near impossible to say. 479 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:17,188 But... Very sweet. 480 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,790 Um, I shouldn't have gone behind your back with louis. 481 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,660 But it just, it felt so good that he wanted to be with me. 482 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,929 And I've never been anybody's first pick before. 483 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,498 You were my first pick to help me raise a kid. 484 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,201 Clean up on aisle five. 485 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,802 The floor's about to be covered in tears. 486 00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,771 Okay. Can-can you give me a hand here? 487 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,109 Okay, I've seen this a million times before. 488 00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:40,778 There is one surefire parental technique that always works. 489 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,352 He wanted froot loops. 490 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,888 We're good parents. We really are. 491 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,757 ♪ men. ♪ 492 00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:58,162 ♪ men. ♪ louis is all tucked in. 493 00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,497 Oh, yeah? 494 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,632 No extra bedtime story? 495 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,501 No secret dessert? 496 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:06,037 No dancing like no one's watching? 497 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:09,240 No jazz hands were raised, no heels were kicked. 498 00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:12,009 I appreciate that. I got your back. 499 00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,378 And to say thank you, 500 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,582 I got you a special surprise. 501 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,819 (gasps) froot loops! 502 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,321 Shh. ♪ secret, secret 503 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,390 Both: ♪ we got a secret.