1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,702
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,270
(drill whirring, banging)
3
00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:08,374
Hey!
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,775
Oh, hey, morning, berta.
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,978
Little warning, man at work.
6
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:15,547
Doing a little banging
and screwing.
7
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,783
Little warning for you.
8
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:22,354
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.M.
Doing the same thing.
9
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,622
What are you doing?
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,525
I am baby-proofing
the house.
11
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,460
It's a requirement
of the adoption agency,
12
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:29,695
And it's a good thing, too.
13
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,463
This here kitchen
is a death trap.
14
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,700
Whole mess of things up in here
that can kill someone.
15
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:39,071
We got knives, we got fire,
poison, scalding hot water,
16
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,407
Alan's leftover fish tacos.
17
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,042
You worry too much.
18
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:46,378
Jake ate a steady diet
of floor wax and detergent,
19
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,548
And he turned out...
20
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,817
Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
21
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,652
I locked all the cabinets
and the drawers,
22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,988
Put these safety knobs
on the stove,
23
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:57,389
And if you want to access
any chemicals,
24
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,591
You will need
a special magnetic key.
25
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,493
Oh, by the way,
when you're doing the laundry,
26
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,629
Keep your eye out
for a special magnetic key.
27
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,900
Why would you need
to lock the towel drawer?
28
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:10,869
You hide your pot
in the medicine cabinet.
29
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,237
I'm guessing.
30
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,373
That is no ordinary
towel drawer.
31
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:18,043
That's the first step
on the stairway to disaster.
32
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,778
Oh, I'm too hungover
for this crap.
33
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,747
Okay, okay.
34
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:25,717
All right, imagine, if you will,
child pulls out the drawer,
35
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,121
Climbs up onto the counter
and toddles over to the window
36
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,722
That has been left open
37
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:33,425
Because alan finds the smell
of steaming broccoli
38
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,493
To be "gaggy."
39
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,229
Whereupon, the child
40
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,798
Spots a beautiful kite,
41
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,435
Most likely in the shape
of a butterfly or a pikachu.
42
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:46,238
The child reaches for the kite,
43
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,540
Tumbles out the window,
44
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,410
Bounces off the awning,
flying through the air,
45
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:55,380
Heading toward certain death,
when, miraculously, it is caught
46
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:58,350
By a shirtless
matthew mcconaughey.
47
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,454
"Don't worry,
your baby's gonna be all right,
48
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,223
All right, all right."
49
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:06,592
Yeah, sure.
50
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:07,993
You know what,
we got lucky this time,
51
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,996
But we can't depend
on mcconaughey every time.
52
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:15,267
Okay, I'm gonna have to start
hiding the pot from you.
53
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:17,069
Better safe than sorry.
54
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:19,571
Every stairway, every toilet,
every sharp corner
55
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,473
Has been locked,
latched or padded.
56
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,542
No one is getting hurt
in this house.
57
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,411
(screams)
58
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,846
Hot!
59
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,915
Hot! Hot!
60
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,523
All right, all right, all right.
61
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:41,994
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
62
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:45,364
♪ Ah. ♪ men. ♪ men.
63
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:50,536
♪ Men. ♪
64
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,437
So, as you can see,
65
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,206
I installed a gate
at the top of the stairs,
66
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,508
At the bottom of the stairs,
and as an extra precaution,
67
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,443
I put one in the middle
of the stairs.
68
00:02:58,445 --> 00:02:59,878
Overachiever.
69
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,848
I think he's just trying
to keep me from getting away.
70
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,049
(chuckles)
71
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,518
Well, you did a great job
baby-proofing.
72
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,620
I can't imagine anyone
getting hurt in this house.
73
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,723
Really? Try telling me
I look fat in these jeans.
74
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,994
Okay, flame off, human torch.
75
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,564
So, uh, so, what do we do next?
76
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,299
Oh, well, it's pretty simple.
77
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,667
I walk out onto the deck,
78
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,502
You put a pile of hundreds
on the table,
79
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,370
I come back,
slip them into my purse,
80
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,605
And you get a kid.
81
00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:31,410
I have $5,000 in the bottom
of a toolbox in the garage.
82
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,544
I was joking.
83
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,646
As was I.
84
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:38,183
Anyway, uh,
I wasn't gonna say anything
85
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,018
Until you guys passed
the inspection,
86
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,154
But it looks like
we may have found
87
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:43,689
A potential match
for the two of you.
88
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:45,524
(gasps)
89
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,758
We're...
90
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,594
We're getting a baby.
91
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:49,595
Are you serious?
This is unbelievable.
92
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,029
Well, slow down;
all that's happened so far
93
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,431
Is a pregnant mother has seen
your profile
94
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:53,565
And wants to meet you.
95
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:57,035
Somebody saw my profile
and wants to meet me?
96
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,538
That's so different
than the dating sites.
97
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,073
I can't believe this.
98
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,741
Who is she?
Where is she from?
99
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,509
How old is she? Is she
having a boy or a girl?
100
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:06,078
Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la!
101
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,613
I don't want to know.
I want to be surprised.
102
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,248
Walden, you're getting ahead
of yourself.
103
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,249
Did you say girl?
104
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,583
I thought I heard you say girl.
105
00:04:12,552 --> 00:04:13,552
Wait, no, you know what?
106
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:14,620
Doesn't matter.
107
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,054
Ten fingers and ten toes...
108
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,457
That's all that matters.
109
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,692
Are you not saying anything
'cause it's a boy?
110
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,628
Oh, my god, we're having a boy!
111
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:23,562
Okay, walden,
112
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:24,763
When you meet the mother,
113
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,665
You want to come off as a calm,
stable father.
114
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:28,800
Not like a 14-year-old girl
115
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,802
At a justin bieber concert.
116
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,437
Sorry,
we're just really excited.
117
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,239
No, I get it.
I'm excited for you.
118
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,807
I'll call you
when the meeting is set up.
119
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,042
Oh, and by the way,
120
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,444
I think you look fantastic
in those jeans.
121
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,113
Girl, we are gonna be bffs.
122
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,781
(chuckles)
123
00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:45,717
We're gonna have a baby.
124
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,319
We're gonna have a baby.
125
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,620
We're gonna have a baby.
126
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,756
Both (laughing):
We're gonna have a baby!
127
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,724
We're gonna have a baby!
128
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,159
Oh, we have to celebrate.
129
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,494
Uh, I'll go to the garage
and get some champagne.
130
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,429
Great! We're gonna have a baby!
131
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,830
We're gonna have a...
132
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,899
Wait, we don't have champagne
in the garage.
133
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:01,967
(gasps) my toolbox!
134
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,435
Alan!
135
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,704
♪ Men. ♪
136
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,907
Here.
137
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,976
I got this for you.
138
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:13,612
Why?
139
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,180
I think it would be nice
140
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,349
If we wore matching sweaters
to meet the birth mom.
141
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,617
Twinsies.
142
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,085
We're supposed to be
a married couple,
143
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,487
Not half of
a barbershop quartet.
144
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,956
Can't we be both?
145
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,592
♪ Miss mcmartin,
bring me a kid ♪
146
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:28,794
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom
147
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,263
♪ marrying you
was a dumb thing I did ♪
148
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,431
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom.
149
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,399
You were flat.
150
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,703
So, the mom...
You think she's hot?
151
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,639
She's nine months pregnant!
152
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,807
I know.
153
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,009
Love me some preggos.
154
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,012
38-62-38.
155
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:50,215
Baby got back and front.
156
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,317
Okay, listen.
157
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:55,220
If we want this girl
to give us her baby,
158
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,289
She has to think that
we're a well-adjusted couple.
159
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,291
If she gets a creepy vibe
off of you,
160
00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:00,859
She's gonna turn and run
the other way.
161
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,294
And I'm only saying this
162
00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:04,296
'cause I'm getting a creepy vibe
off of you.
163
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:05,797
(doorbell rings)
164
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,668
Says the guy who googled
"helen mirren nip slip."
165
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,903
Helen is timeless.
166
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,372
Now, listen.
167
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,673
If you mess this up for me,
168
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,842
I will make your life
a living hell.
169
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,777
Now, remember,
we love each other.
170
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,283
Hello, mama.
171
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,819
Hi.
172
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:28,887
Hi, you must be kathy.
173
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,524
Yes, uh, welcome to
our malibu dream house.
174
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,925
He's ken.
175
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,328
Oh, I guess that
makes me barbie.
176
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,864
I'm walden.
177
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:39,998
This is alan.
178
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,433
(stammering)
come in.
179
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,567
Here, c-can I take your coat?
180
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,735
Oh, thank you.
181
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,070
(chuckles)
182
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,872
Wow!
183
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:48,206
Look at you!
184
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,375
So very pregnant.
185
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:51,610
Coat.
186
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,512
I know.
187
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,547
I haven't seen
my feet since July.
188
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,682
Am I wearing matching shoes?
189
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,351
Um...
190
00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:00,552
Actually, no.
191
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,621
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It's cute.
192
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:03,722
Um, please sit.
193
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,457
Yeah, please.
How you feeling?
194
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,092
My ankles are swollen,
195
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,528
My back hurts,
and forget about my breasts.
196
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,531
I haven't even noticed,
you know, 'cause I'm gay.
197
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,799
That's... (clears throat)
198
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,967
That's my rainbow warrior.
199
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,437
Always waving his flag.
200
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,472
Even when it relates to nothing.
201
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:24,276
Um, so, uh, tell us about kathy.
202
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,244
I think the first thing
you should know about me
203
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,880
Is this is not representative
of who I am.
204
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:29,915
See, I just graduated
205
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,650
From ucla.
206
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:34,953
The baby is a result
of a spring break trip to vegas.
207
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,556
Ah. I guess what happens
in vegas
208
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,124
Stays in kathy.
209
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,328
Yep, took me about six weeks
to figure out
210
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,663
That my morning sickness
211
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:47,132
Wasn't just
a really bad hangover.
212
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,633
Well, we all make mistakes.
213
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,735
One morning,
I woke up married to this one.
214
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,771
(laughs)
215
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,907
See, bottom line, this wasn't
part of my five-year plan.
216
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,343
You know, law school,
clerk for a judge,
217
00:07:58,345 --> 00:07:59,611
Start my own practice.
218
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,246
Wow, that's-that's impressive.
219
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,114
Uh, alan's son, jake,
220
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,350
Had a five-year plan
for the tenth grade.
221
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,952
(chuckles)
222
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,520
See, that's why I liked
your profile.
223
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,589
You have parenting experience.
224
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,491
Your sense of humor
came through.
225
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:14,626
And I kind of love
that you're gay.
226
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,595
Not as much as we do.
227
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:17,996
Right, wally bear?
228
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,065
That's right, alley cat.
229
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:24,536
Even though I'm not gonna
be part of the baby's life,
230
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,005
I like the idea of being
the only mom.
231
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,807
I can totally understand that.
232
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:31,943
Probably because my mom was an
ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic
233
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:35,046
Who preferred shopping and spas
over spending time with me.
234
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,449
And I can
totally understand that.
235
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,551
So, tell me about you.
236
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,853
What made you guys decide
to start a family?
237
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,489
Uh, well, raising my son
238
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:47,158
Was one of the greatest
experiences of my life,
239
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,361
And I just wanted walden
to feel that same joy.
240
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,497
Yeah, I mean, for me
it's a couple reasons.
241
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,200
I-I felt like something
was missing in my life,
242
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,536
And I wanted to give back,
243
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:01,406
And having a kid will allow me
to drive in the carpool lane.
244
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,874
(laughs)
245
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,310
It's nice to laugh again.
246
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,846
Except I just peed a little
on your sofa.
247
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,214
I'll get you something.
248
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,449
Oh, uh, actually,
I got something right here.
249
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,985
♪ Men. ♪
250
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:14,986
(gasps)
251
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,154
The baby just kicked.
252
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,522
I felt it.
253
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:19,057
Oh, looks like someone's got
254
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,725
A little soccer star in there.
255
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,794
God, you smell good.
256
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,032
Alan, you want to come up
for some air?
257
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,400
Oh, sorry.
258
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,402
Just got excited. (chuckles)
259
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,937
About the baby.
260
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,872
Sure.
261
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,273
So, uh, kathy,
262
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,609
Uh, do you know
if it's a boy or a girl?
263
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,344
I don't, but your profile said
264
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,580
You didn't have
a gender preference, right?
265
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:42,681
Oh, that's right.
266
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,016
Just like me in my 20s.
(chuckles)
267
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,352
You guys crack me up.
268
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,421
You're gonna make great dads.
269
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,856
Oh, world's greatest, according
the coffee mugs I bought.
270
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:56,061
Well, that's good,
because I made up my mind.
271
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,762
I want you to have my baby.
272
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,230
No!
Yes.
273
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,899
Oh, my god!
You did not just say that!
274
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,267
You bitch!
275
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:04,569
Thank you, kathy.
276
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:05,971
Thank you, vegas.
277
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,073
Thank you, broken condom.
278
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,641
Well, you can thank
two-for-one tequila shots
279
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,876
At the tropicana.
(chuckles)
280
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,144
Let's not forget
this little guy.
281
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,813
(chuckles)
282
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,881
(gasps)
do you feel it moving?
283
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,617
I can feel it growing.
284
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,619
♪ Men. ♪
285
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,924
♪ Men. ♪
286
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,659
Okay, best shower gift:
287
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,161
Barry. Baby's first bong.
288
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,296
Yep.
289
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,797
And just like the kid's diaper,
290
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:36,001
It's full of stinky green stuff.
291
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,335
The pizza's on its way.
292
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,471
In the meantime, uh,
who wants a beer?
293
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,906
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
294
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,642
There we go.
295
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,511
Walden, you are gonna
make a great dad.
296
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,646
Hey.
And, alan,
297
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:48,747
You've already raised jake,
298
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,850
So I guess just...
Do the opposite.
299
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:56,087
I still can't believe
it's even possible
300
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,089
For two men to have a baby.
301
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,858
What an age we live in.
302
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,526
Science, right?
303
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:07,666
Larry, we're-we're not
actually having a baby.
304
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:08,967
We're adopting.
305
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,169
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?
306
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,506
Well, I guess
if alan gets pregnant,
307
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,174
You'll know he's been
cheating on you.
308
00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,178
So you two are
really married, huh?
309
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,780
Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn't it?
310
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,548
No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
311
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,950
You have never
hit on me once, walden.
312
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:28,019
I mean, we worked together
every day, side by side,
313
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,021
And not so much as
a lingering glance
314
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,357
Or a "gee, you look
nice today, barry.
315
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,992
"You lost a little weight,
barry?
316
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:37,062
Those cargo shorts really
flatter your calves, barry."
317
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,196
No, man.
318
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,999
We got married
so I could adopt a baby.
319
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,168
That... We're a pretend couple.
320
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:46,337
It's kind of like your
"girlfriend in canada."
321
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,073
(scoffs)
322
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:49,974
Okay, olivia is real.
323
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,711
I mean, just... Okay, look at
these nude photos she sent me.
324
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,814
That's Jennifer lawrence.
325
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:58,249
She gets that all the time.
326
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,921
In a couple days,
I'm gonna be a dad.
327
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,322
(laughs)
328
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,324
I'm gonna be
completely responsible
329
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:09,060
For the emotional
and financial well-being
330
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,729
Of someone who is
completely incapable
331
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,163
Of taking care of themselves.
332
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,332
Thank you for being
my test baby.
333
00:12:16,268 --> 00:12:18,503
I'd keep my fingers
crossed for a boy.
334
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,270
Why?
335
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,839
Well, basic math.
336
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,841
If you have a boy, you only
have to worry about one penis.
337
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,803
You have a girl, you have
to worry about them all.
338
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:29,080
Either way,
you're gonna love it.
339
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,050
Being a father is
the best thing in the world.
340
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,251
How old are your kids?
341
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,619
Well, my son is 15
342
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:37,322
And my secret daughter
is going to be 11 this year.
343
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:39,958
Your... Your
secret daughter?
344
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,128
Yeah, she looks a lot
like my secret wife.
345
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,436
You know, kids are amazing.
346
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,139
You know? You get to pass
all this knowledge down
347
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,275
To this little person
and-and shape their mind.
348
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,144
Like, you know,
how to talk to girls
349
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,713
And how to be there for
your friends when they need you.
350
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,081
Oh, you can teach them
your ability
351
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:06,317
To always be in the bathroom
whenever the dinner check comes.
352
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,255
That's pure instinct.
353
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:13,158
Can't be taught.
354
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,293
(phone ringing)
355
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,896
You know, all my memories
revolve around my dad.
356
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:21,466
The time he threw my tamagotchi
down the garbage disposal.
357
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,302
Time he made a pass
at my prom date.
358
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,539
Time he divorced my mom
and married my prom date.
359
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:31,242
Walden:
Guys.
360
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,011
Guys, it's the hospital.
361
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,813
Oh, if it's one of
my patients, I'm not here.
362
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:36,948
Oh, don't worry.
If I'm your
363
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,183
Kid's doctor, I won't do that.
364
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,119
It's what you say.
365
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,087
Kathy's in labor!
366
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,088
We got to go!
367
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,089
I'll get an uber.
368
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:46,291
I'll go grab the car seat.
369
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,192
I'll get the diaper bag.
370
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,193
(doorbell rings)
371
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,261
Oh, god, that's the pizza guy.
372
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,296
Um... Hey, alan,
373
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,363
Could you pay the pizza guy?
374
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,532
Alan:
I'm in the bathroom!
375
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,701
How does he do it?
376
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,940
♪ Men. ♪
377
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,275
Hey, you know,
I-I appreciate you guys coming,
378
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,777
But you really
don't have to stay.
379
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,645
Are you kidding?
We want to be here.
380
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:08,980
You know what they say.
381
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,216
"To raise a child, it
takes the village people."
382
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,218
Hey, guys?
383
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,286
I think I may have
gotten way too high.
384
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,855
Can somebody take me
to the hospital?
385
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,857
You're in a hospital.
386
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,325
(gasps)
387
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:21,526
Whoa.
388
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,594
How'd you do that?
389
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,697
I wonder why
we haven't heard anything.
390
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:28,566
They took kathy to the delivery
room, like, an hour ago.
391
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:31,002
Sometimes the baby just
doesn't want to come out.
392
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,570
I mean, put yourself
in its position.
393
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,305
For nine months,
you've been floating
394
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:38,476
Then somebody opens a trap door,
all the water flows out,
395
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:41,379
A set of salad tongs grabs you
by the head and yanks you out,
396
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,181
And then some guy
you never seen before
397
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,983
Starts slapping you on the ass.
398
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,652
Reminds me of a trip
I took to tijuana once.
399
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:52,390
Walden: Aw, look at how cute
that one is.
400
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,025
Yeah, she's got
a nice rack, too.
401
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:56,427
What are you looking at?
402
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,163
The hot nurse.
What are you looking at?
403
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,698
That baby.
404
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,301
Ugh! You guys are sick.
405
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,106
So have you guys decided
on a name for the baby yet?
406
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,941
Oh, no, not yet.
No.
407
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,075
It's such a big responsibility.
408
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,543
I don't want to give him a name
409
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,012
That other kids can make fun of.
410
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,214
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
411
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,782
That's not true.
412
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:18,783
Really?
413
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,418
How's your pond, walden?
414
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:24,956
It's an intellectual insult,
but it still stings.
415
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:29,260
I was "larry the fairy"
all through high school.
416
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,363
Oh, no way!
I was "barry the fairy."
417
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:35,300
Somebody noticed
that you could rearrange
418
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,901
The letters of "alan,"
and I became
419
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,404
"little anal harper."
420
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,271
My name's "herb."
421
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,773
Kids skipped the clever puns
422
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,908
And just shoved my head
down a toilet.
423
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,377
Well, I'm sure
there are plenty of names
424
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,212
That kids can't
make jokes about.
425
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,615
Mr. And mr. Harper-schmidt?
426
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,250
Yeah, nothing to
worry about there.
427
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:55,420
Just the hyphenated last name
of the two gay dads.
428
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,587
So how's kathy?
429
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,122
She's doing fine.
430
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,258
So is your brand-new baby boy.
431
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,061
Oh, my god, we got a boy!
432
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,730
I get a do-over for jake!
433
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,466
I only have to worry
about one penis!
434
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,234
I like to wear
women's underwear!
435
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:12,403
What?
436
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:15,873
I thought we were
confessing things.
437
00:16:17,409 --> 00:16:19,310
Nurse:
There he is.
438
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,979
All:
Aw...
439
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,350
He's got your nose
and alan's eyes.
440
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,086
Larry, I told you before that...
441
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:32,023
Thank you, larry.
442
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,425
Alan: Look at him.
He's so amazing.
443
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,094
Walden: I can't think of
anything more beautiful
444
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,462
Than what I'm looking
at right now.
445
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:40,164
Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's true,
that's the truth.
446
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,367
But how much more
beautiful would it be
447
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,769
If those two nurses just
started making out right now?
448
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,438
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
449
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,507
♪ Men. ♪
450
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:53,177
Alan:
Hey.
451
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,479
How you doing?
452
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,381
I'm good.
453
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,849
Tired.
454
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,484
Sore.
455
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:02,053
Look at this little guy.
456
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,388
Can I hold him?
457
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,856
Uh, sure.
458
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:10,528
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
459
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,397
Mm-hmm.
460
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,799
Hey, hey... High-five.
461
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:15,867
You can owe me.
462
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,235
(chuckles)
463
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,971
Welcome to the world,
little buddy.
464
00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:21,873
We're gonna have so much fun.
465
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,708
We're gonna go to
ball games together
466
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,410
And go swimming together
467
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:29,180
And pick up chick... Ens
together.
468
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:31,349
Smile. Come on.
469
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,384
Okay, uh...
470
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,087
Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.
471
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,723
The two most handsome
men in the world.
472
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,758
And they're both mine.
473
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,427
(baby crying)
oh, oh...
474
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,528
Oh, what's the matter?
475
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:45,196
Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.
476
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,364
Oh, all right,
come here, little buddy.
477
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,766
Uh, I think he might be hungry.
478
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,168
Oh, of course.
479
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,436
Oh, yeah, of course.
480
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,004
Okay, here.
481
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:55,406
There.
482
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,209
I miss him already.
483
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,111
Yeah, it's hard to let him go.
484
00:18:02,347 --> 00:18:04,415
Actually, it's impossible.
485
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:07,285
Oh.
486
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,153
I am so sorry.
487
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,523
Wait. What, uh...
What just happened?
488
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,358
Did I... Did I
miss something?
489
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,097
She's keeping the baby.
490
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,032
Uh...
491
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:23,234
But what-what
about law school?
492
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,802
The-the five-year plan?
493
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,939
After I saw this little guy...
494
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,540
The plan changed.
495
00:18:31,376 --> 00:18:35,913
I mean, before, I couldn't
imagine my life with him.
496
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,583
Now I can't imagine it
without him.
497
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:41,786
But... But he's gonna
be a great dad.
498
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,554
Alan... No, no. H-he loves him.
499
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,556
Alan, it's...
500
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,492
Okay, let's-let's just
approach this practically.
501
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,127
Um... How much for the kid?
502
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:50,394
Uh, I have, uh,
503
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:51,896
I have $32 on me.
504
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,898
I'm gonna need three dollars
for dinner at ampm,
505
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,066
But the rest is yours.
506
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:57,001
Believe me, I feel terrible.
507
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,669
You feel terrible?
508
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,572
We're-we're gonna be driving
home with an empty car seat.
509
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,641
And you know what's waiting
for us when we get there?
510
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,810
An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
511
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,345
An empty... Uh, uh...
512
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:08,513
What's that swedish thing
513
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,348
That, uh, that you
wear like a pouch,
514
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,683
To carry your baby
around like a kangaroo?
515
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:13,751
Bjorn.
516
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,186
An empty bjorn!
517
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,688
An empty blue baby bjorn!
518
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,458
Hard to say,
but even harder to face.
519
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,493
Alan, just... Stop.
520
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:24,929
It's okay.
521
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,799
I wouldn't be able
to give him up either,
522
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,368
So I don't blame you.
523
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,536
Really?
524
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,704
I get it.
You're his mom.
525
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:36,107
I'm so sorry to put you
through all this.
526
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:37,675
Don't be sorry.
527
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,311
He's... Lucky.
528
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,080
You're both...
Very lucky.
529
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:48,653
This man is a saint.
530
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,654
A damn saint.
531
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,022
Let's go.
532
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,991
Say good-bye, elliot.
533
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,893
More like "smelliot."
alan.
534
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,129
♪ Men. ♪
535
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,500
♪ Men. ♪
536
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,669
You doing okay?
537
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:07,171
Yeah.
538
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:09,073
Can you show me
the picture of him?
539
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,875
Oh, please, don't put yourself
through this.
540
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,843
Come on, just one more time.
541
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,345
Okay.
542
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,414
Here.
543
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,319
Look at him.
544
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,820
He's perfect.
545
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:29,026
I'm sorry this didn't work out
as planned.
546
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:32,063
He still owes me a high-five.
547
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:34,532
Don't worry.
548
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,567
We'll find our kid.
549
00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:40,705
I know.
550
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:44,742
In the meantime,
you're still married to me.
551
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,577
(sobbing)
552
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,646
Yes, I am.
553
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:54,652
Why couldn't kathy take you
and give me the baby?!