1 00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:03,869 Previously on two and a half men... I almost died, alan. 2 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,471 But the important thing is you didn't. 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,107 Other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody. 4 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,441 At least you got jake. 5 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,443 I want to have a kid of my own. 6 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,312 There's no way you're getting a baby... you're a single guy, 7 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,781 And the system is really geared towards married couples. 8 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,983 Alan harper, will you marry me? 9 00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:19,485 I now pronounce you married. 10 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:23,422 You may kiss. 11 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,193 ♪ Men. ♪ 12 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:31,096 Um, yes, this is walden schmidt. 13 00:00:31,098 --> 00:00:33,298 I'd like to order a credit card for my husband, 14 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,601 Mr. Alan harper-schmidt. 15 00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:37,803 Uh, yeah, and, uh, refresh my memory. 16 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:40,873 What's the cash advance limit on my black card? 17 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:46,211 Holy new rolex. 18 00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:51,350 Oh, oh, m-my mother's maiden name? 19 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:54,820 Uh, I didn't really know her before she was married, so... 20 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:55,854 Morning. 21 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:58,824 Um, uh, I'll call back later. 22 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,259 Charities. 23 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:02,728 It's not like the kids won't still be starving in an hour. 24 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,898 Um... 25 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,900 Hey, I was meaning to ask you something. 26 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:10,402 Um, what's your mother's maiden name? 27 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:14,940 This might be easier if I just give you my online password. Oh. 28 00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:18,210 It's "don't order credit cards in my name." 29 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,581 Right, uh, all one word, no spaces? 30 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,650 Hey, there's the newlyweds. 31 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,418 I made you some honeymoon pancakes. 32 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,853 Aw... 33 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,755 They're in the shapes of hearts and arrows. 34 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,291 Oh, actually, they're asses and... 35 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:34,259 Uh, sure... Hearts and arrows. 36 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,694 (laughs) 37 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,630 Alan, my arrow's twice as big as yours. 38 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:39,932 Mine's life-size. 39 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,200 I'm still gonna be hungry. 40 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,769 I just realized, walden, 41 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,838 That I worked for you when you were single. 42 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,373 And now you're married. 43 00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:51,944 Maybe someday I'll be working for you when you're a widower. 44 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,679 Bacon, zippy? 45 00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,850 So, how's the adoption process going? 46 00:01:57,852 --> 00:02:00,085 Is somebody other than alan calling you "daddy"? 47 00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:06,892 It's going great. 48 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,894 We have a meeting with the social services department 49 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:09,895 This week. 50 00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,263 Nice. 51 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,999 So, if you do get a kid, which room is he gonna live in? 52 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,738 Oh, guys, I'm kind of a drunken slut, 53 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,074 I don't think I should share a room with a baby. 54 00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:26,545 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 55 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,314 ♪ Ah. ♪ men. ♪ men. 56 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,354 ♪ Men. ♪ 57 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,256 Hey, what ya doing? 58 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,525 Oh, paperwork for our meeting with the social worker. 59 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:42,161 Um, household net worth. 60 00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:45,330 Well, let's see, uh, you're worth a billion dollars, 61 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,032 So together we are worth... 62 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,401 A little bit less than a billion dollars. 63 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,805 Hey, so evelyn said it's cool if I crash at her place. 64 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,240 What, wait... It was that easy? 65 00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:56,675 My mom never lets me stay there. 66 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,410 Yeah, she's gonna let me live in the guest house. 67 00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,412 There's a guest house?! 68 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,447 If-if you need, uh, help moving, let us know. 69 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,483 Thanks, but evelyn said I could borrow the range rover. 70 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:07,085 There's a range rover?! 71 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,887 Oh, hey, uh, what should I put down for, uh... 72 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,589 "why do you want to adopt a child?" 73 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,723 Hmm. 74 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:12,724 'Cause we're dudes, 75 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:13,759 And we don't have baby holes? 76 00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,827 (laughing) 77 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,199 You know you have to sell yourself 78 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,333 As a real couple, right? 79 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:22,868 We are a real couple. 80 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,736 That's why we got married in the first place. 81 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,072 Yeah, it also gave us the chance to register at crate & barrel 82 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,473 For this fabulous stemware. 83 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:29,841 (chimes) ding. 84 00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,210 See, you're making jokes instead 85 00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,645 Of expressing real emotion. 86 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,548 You're gonna have to prove that you're a real couple, you know? 87 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,817 That you're in love, that you're soul mates, 88 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,486 That you can't survive without the other. 89 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,755 I actually can't survive without him. 90 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:44,756 I am just saying, 91 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:45,891 I don't want to see you 92 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:46,992 Put all this work in and not get 93 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,794 The payoff you deserve. 94 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,495 It's like when you get "the tap." 95 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,331 Get the what? The tap. 96 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,466 You know, when you're in bed with a girl, 97 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,168 And you've been down there for a while, 98 00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:58,870 And suddenly she gives you the old "thanks for trying" tap 99 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:00,439 On the top of the head. 100 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:03,108 Ah... 101 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,278 Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah. 102 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,046 I hate the tap. Mm. 103 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,549 You know, I am sure that we can be believable 104 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,883 As a loving couple. 105 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,419 You want to see believable? This... (stammers) 106 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,121 Watch. 107 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:17,623 Alan, 108 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,291 I love you. 109 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,460 And I love you, walden. 110 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,762 (laughing) 111 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,364 I'm sorry. 112 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,066 You have this one nose hair that keeps going in and out. Oh. 113 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,969 And I laughed because no one could possibly love me. 114 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,842 ♪ Men. ♪ 115 00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:39,111 Guess what I just finished. 116 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,445 Once again, 117 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,282 You don't have to tell me every time you masturbate. 118 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:46,652 I will not apologize for sharing my day with you. 119 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,554 But that is not this. 120 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:51,290 It is my essay describing 121 00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:52,791 What I love about my spouse 122 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,393 For our meeting with the social worker. 123 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,528 Ah, good, I'm so nervous about this meeting. 124 00:04:56,530 --> 00:05:00,098 I'm somehow constipated and wracked with explosive diarrhea. 125 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,036 You're not the only one who can share his day. 126 00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,637 Well, after she reads this, 127 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,373 There's no way she won't believe we're a couple. 128 00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:13,211 Okay, uh, "walden is the most caring person I know. 129 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:15,380 He always puts my needs before his own." 130 00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:16,782 Uh, "whether it's surprising me 131 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:19,051 "with an espresso and a chocolate croissant in bed, 132 00:05:19,053 --> 00:05:21,086 "glamping in a yurt at big sur, 133 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,555 "or sneaking up behind me in the shower with a loofah 134 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,590 To exfoliate those hard-to-reach places..." 135 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,960 "He's my everything... 136 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:32,230 My husband, my lover, my friend." 137 00:05:33,866 --> 00:05:35,567 "my wally bear." 138 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:39,571 My god. 139 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,872 I know. 140 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,207 Now read me yours. 141 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:47,346 Okay, um... 142 00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,881 "alan is my best friend." 143 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,616 Loving it! 144 00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:55,987 "He's 47 years old. 145 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,425 "He used to be a chiropractor. 146 00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,195 "He has never been convicted of a felony. 147 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:07,699 And his favorite meal is swordfish." 148 00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:12,504 Are you kidding me? 149 00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,972 That's what you love about me? 150 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,607 That I've never been convicted of a felony? 151 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,476 I told you it's a work in progress. 152 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:18,910 What do you want me to say? 153 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,646 He masturbates with impressive frequency? 154 00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:24,216 At least that would show you're paying attention. 155 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:25,951 (doorbell rings) and, by the way... 156 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:29,154 My favorite meal is red snapper. 157 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,960 Hi, alan. 158 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,161 Walden. 159 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,030 Lyndsey, what's, uh, what's going on? 160 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,298 I-I thought you were in rehab. 161 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,567 I was, I-I got out a couple days ago. 162 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,236 Oh, well, that's great. C-come on it. 163 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:50,208 How'd it go? It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. 164 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,543 But-but on the plus side, 165 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,478 It was right up the street here in malibu, 166 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,881 So ocean views, spa, chef, 167 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,349 It was like a five-star hotel. 168 00:06:57,351 --> 00:07:01,052 Except they take your shoelaces. 169 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,222 Well, I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about. 170 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,224 So, I'm just gonna go in the kitchen 171 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,626 And pretend I'm not listening. 172 00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:13,698 Um, so, lyndsey, I-I'm so proud of you. 173 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,267 Uh, how are you doing? 174 00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,601 I'm good. 175 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,570 Um, I-I just got my 60-day chip. Oh. 176 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,840 And part of my recovery is to make amends 177 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,074 To the people I've hurt. 178 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,543 So, 179 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:27,579 I apologize for everything I did to you while I was drinking. 180 00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,915 Oh, well, I appreciate that, um, 181 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,817 But some of the things you did to me, 182 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,118 You don't have to apologize for. 183 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,521 I mean, we had sex in a chipotle. 184 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:42,194 I ate my burrito, you ate my burrito. 185 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,164 I ate your taco. 186 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,934 And I later threw up in your car. 187 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,637 Yes, uh, but chunks weren't the only thing you blew that day. 188 00:07:56,108 --> 00:08:00,011 Um, there is one other thing. 189 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:03,448 If-if I haven't burned too many bridges, 190 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:07,018 I was wondering if maybe you and I could give it another try. 191 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,186 Oh, wow. 192 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,187 Wow, that-that is flattering. 193 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,188 Um, it's just... 194 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,857 (sighs) you're seeing somebody else. 195 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:15,861 Uh, kind of, um... 196 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,362 Uh, uh, I'm... 197 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,231 You're married?! 198 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,500 That doesn't make any sense. 199 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,567 Who is she? 200 00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:25,637 Uh... 201 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:28,707 Uh, she is-is actually, uh, a "he." 202 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,108 Um... 203 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,810 It's... It's walden. 204 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,312 Oh, my god. 205 00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:37,616 Walden's gay?! 206 00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:42,187 ♪ Men. ♪ 207 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,322 So, I guess what I'm interested in is 208 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,824 How you two got together. 209 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,126 Uh, well, w-we met at the dog park. 210 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,929 His labradoodle sniffed my shih tzu. 211 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,399 I remember when I proposed. 212 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,334 I-I got down on one knee, 213 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,303 And I looked up into his beautiful... 214 00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:02,007 Blue eyes, 215 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,209 And I asked him to share his life with me. 216 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,444 I guess what I'm getting at is the fact 217 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,713 That you've both been married to women before. 218 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,515 So, when did you realize you were gay? 219 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:15,120 Oh, well, on some level, I've always known. Um... 220 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,790 I mean, throughout, uh, both of my marriages, 221 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,625 I was in complete denial. 222 00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:21,893 Um, but after I met walden, 223 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,596 I finally felt safe to-to be myself. 224 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,298 Uh, I remember our first date. 225 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,266 Uh, we went to the bowl to see the grease sing-along. 226 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,001 Ah, "tell me more, tell me more." 227 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,404 Well, uh, walden was dressed as danny zuko, 228 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,538 Uh, and I was sandy... 229 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,173 Uh, hot sandy, you know, in the leather. 230 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,841 No, no, no, I was doing the song, you know... 231 00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:38,176 ♪ Tell me more, tell me more... ♪ 232 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,612 Oh, my god! 233 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,080 Did I miss a show tune cue?! 234 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,148 (laughs) 235 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,550 Somebody take away my gay card. 236 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:49,321 And how about you, walden? 237 00:09:49,323 --> 00:09:50,755 When did you know you were gay? 238 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:54,225 I guess my first clue was when I saw basic instinct. 239 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,629 All my friends were looking up sharon stone's skirt, 240 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,664 And I was just looking at her shoes. 241 00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:04,336 And I guess I got married because of social pressures, 242 00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:07,606 But, eventually, I had to be true to who I am. 243 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,040 And I've never looked back since. 244 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,076 Unless I'm behind him. 245 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,912 (both laughing nervously) 246 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,949 (laughing nervously): That's a good one. 247 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,250 Ah... 248 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,587 You two are an interesting couple. 249 00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:24,422 Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents, 250 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,690 But you two are different somehow. 251 00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:26,958 I'm not sure what it is. 252 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,526 Well, uh, maybe it's the fact 253 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:31,529 That I-I look like I'm wearing makeup, but I'm not. 254 00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:36,468 Y-you know, we may not be like other couples, but... 255 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,269 I know we can be good parents. 256 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,038 I get that, but it is my job 257 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,340 To be a hundred percent sure before I place a child. 258 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,808 No, n-no, look, look... 259 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:47,278 I-I know we can provide unconditional love to a child, 260 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,783 A-and w-we can create a safe, secure environment, and... 261 00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,020 What do people that get kids say? 262 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,022 How about this... 263 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,523 How about I come out to your house? 264 00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,958 We normally do a site visit anyway. 265 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,926 This way I could get to know you guys a little better. 266 00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,795 Yeah, great, yeah, why don't you come on over, 267 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:07,132 And you'll see that we're j-just a normal loving couple. 268 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:08,133 Right, sweetie? 269 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,268 That-that's right, wally bear. 270 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,703 I love this guy. 271 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,776 ♪ Men. ♪ 272 00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:23,114 ♪ Men. ♪ 273 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,115 Hey. 274 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,450 Oh, flowers. Nice touch. 275 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,052 Gives the house a homey feel. 276 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,720 They're for you. 277 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,422 Really? 278 00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,791 I'm, uh, actually a lily man. 279 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,559 Uh, but they're very nice. 280 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,760 Alan, listen. 281 00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:36,961 Jenny was right. 282 00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:39,197 We are not believable as a loving couple, 283 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,733 And I think that's why miss mcmartin wasn't sure about us. 284 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,468 Now, this has to be real. 285 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,803 And that includes... 286 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,238 Being comfortable with physical affection. 287 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,307 Like this. 288 00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:53,311 Come on. 289 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,546 Loosen up. 290 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:58,049 I-I'm loose, it just feels a little forced, that's all. 291 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,385 Okay, well, let it be natural. 292 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,420 Just snuggle into these broad shoulders. 293 00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,528 I do feel safe. 294 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,797 Damn right, you do. 295 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,866 You're with your wally bear. 296 00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,370 Now, look into my eyes. 297 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,672 Like this? 298 00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:21,673 Yeah, exactly. 299 00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:23,441 And don't look away. 300 00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,646 We love each other. 301 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:29,881 You're at home. 302 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:34,819 Oh, I just noticed a little green fleck in your right eye. 303 00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,654 It's like a-a downy patch of moss 304 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,057 On the trunk of a majestic oak. 305 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:41,526 (whispering): Thank you. 306 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,264 Sometimes I worry that I'm not good-looking enough for you. 307 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,500 Come on. 308 00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:49,968 You're perfect just the way you are. 309 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,637 My alley cat. 310 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,640 A nickname. 311 00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:59,377 Sometimes... 312 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,747 I worry that you don't know how much you mean to me. 313 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:05,850 I want to be your everything. 314 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:22,834 All right, yeah! 315 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,969 That was convincing. 316 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,604 We do that in front of miss mcmartin, 317 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,606 We'll get ten babies. 318 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:29,841 Yeah, yeah. 319 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:33,211 That was good enough to fool just about anyone. 320 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,846 (chuckles nervously) 321 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,848 (sighs) 322 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,217 ♪ men. ♪ 323 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,519 So, this is our kitchen. 324 00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:42,854 We love to cook together. 325 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,322 Uh, correction, I love to cook, 326 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,990 He loves to eat. 327 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:49,127 See? This is what I wanted to see. 328 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,795 The two of you just being yourselves. 329 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:51,830 Happy, relaxed. 330 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,798 (doorbell rings) oh, I'll get that. 331 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,733 If you really want to see us relaxed 332 00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:57,602 You should come by for brunch someday. 333 00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,271 The mary's are bloody and the lorraine's are quiche. 334 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,941 Oh, I can see why you fell in love with him. 335 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,310 Really? 336 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,946 What did you see exactly? 337 00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,516 Alan! 338 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,518 Lyndsey? 339 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,819 Um, have you been drinking? 340 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:18,389 Uh, ding-ding-ding, we have a wiener... 341 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,824 Whoa, whoa, okay, okay, shh! 342 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:20,992 W-what are you doing here? 343 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,528 Well, you said you and walden 344 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,396 Are just getting married to get a kid. 345 00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:28,800 So, there's no reason you can't have sex with me on the side. 346 00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,568 You know, the "dl." 347 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,471 That means "do lyndsey." 348 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:36,374 Okay, okay, okay, this is not a good time. 349 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,775 Uh, the-the social worker's here. 350 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,010 Oh, that's great! 351 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,712 I can help you guys. 352 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:43,014 I can tell her that you'll be good parents. 353 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,983 And I know because I'm a g... Oh. 354 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,686 Mother. 355 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,822 Okay, um... 356 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,424 Maybe-maybe we should go to my room a-and talk. 357 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:57,395 I won't be able to talk much, 'cause my mouth will be full. 358 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,496 Wink, wink. 359 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,165 (giggles) hopefully with breath mints. 360 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:05,536 You wait in here and I will call a cab to take you home. 361 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:09,440 My home is in your pants. 362 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,876 What happened? Why did you start drinking again? 363 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,778 Well, 'cause you married walden. 364 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,414 The only person in your life who's prettier than me. 365 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,616 But you know we're just doing that to get a kid. 366 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:21,252 Yeah, but if I wasn't so screwed up last year, 367 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,854 Then we would still be together. 368 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:25,123 Then we could get married and have a baby. (gasps) 369 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,991 We could sell that baby to walden. 370 00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:28,927 'Cause let's face it, 371 00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,862 We don't want to raise another kid, 372 00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,730 'cause both our kids suck. 373 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,333 Okay, uh, refreshing, drunk honesty aside, 374 00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,601 Um, d-don't blame yourself. 375 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,069 We all made mistakes. 376 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,505 But we shouldn't let those mistakes ruin things for walden. 377 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,407 Shh. You talk too much. 378 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,108 Let's party. 379 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,514 Lyndsey? Lyndsey? 380 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,749 (groans) 381 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,752 Wow, a half-naked drunk girl is in my bed and I'm leaving. 382 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,321 Maybe I am gay. 383 00:15:57,723 --> 00:16:00,258 I like to imagine the family gathered here, 384 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,760 Eating an all-organic, gluten-free meal 385 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,330 Of quinoa salad and kale chips 386 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,765 While watching the original reality tv: 387 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,168 A beautiful ocean sunset. 388 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,837 As long as this is a stable environment for a child, 389 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,672 I don't care if you're eating hot pockets 390 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,708 And watching honey boo boo. 391 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,844 Uh, uh, wally bear, uh, can I borrow you for a minute? 392 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:22,380 Is it an emergency, alley cat? 393 00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:26,284 Uh, it's more of a-a pickle, uh, that needs immediate attention. 394 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:29,787 Oh, it's okay. Go. 395 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,323 Yeah, I would never come between a man and his husband's pickle. 396 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,228 Lyndsey's here. She's drunk. 397 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,363 Why? 398 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:39,697 She wants to have sex with me. 399 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,632 Why? 400 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:42,800 Wait... Where is she? 401 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,369 She's passed out in my room. 402 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,237 Okay, okay, we-we need to get ms. Mcmartin 403 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,872 Out of here as fast as we can. 404 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,741 Right, right. Oh, um, by the way, when lyndsey 405 00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:51,275 Tried to kiss me, I was totally into it. 406 00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,443 I don't know why I was worried. 407 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,212 Worried about what? 408 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,913 Nothing. Let's get her out of here. 409 00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,816 Mm. Everything okay? 410 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,619 Yes, we just had to reset the... The, um... 411 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:02,887 (mumbles): Flaven on the stave. 412 00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,722 But, uh, everything's 413 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,158 Okay now. Uh, c-can I get you anything? 414 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,826 Like directions for your drive home, or... 415 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,695 You know, I actually do have to get going. 416 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,363 I did not realize it was this late. What? 417 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,165 No. Oh. 418 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,501 I'm so disappointed. Oh. 419 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,536 I'll just get your things and walk you out. 420 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,805 Oh. There we go. (chuckles) 421 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,707 I got to say, you look at that view 422 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,975 And you never want to leave. 423 00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:25,843 And yet you must. 424 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,578 Unless you want to adopt me. 425 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,148 (chuckles) you're so funny. Here's your jacket. 426 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:33,818 Walden: Oh, my god. 427 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,753 What? Uh... 428 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,555 This jacket, it's-it's fantastic. 429 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,124 What is this, wool? I think so, yeah. 430 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,260 Really? Because I... I would've thought it was linen. 431 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,928 Doesn't it feel "linen-sy", alan? 432 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,229 No, it's definitely wool. 433 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,766 Holy crap. What? 434 00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,935 Uh... I forgot to flip the cushions 435 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,136 On the deck furniture. 436 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,337 Imagine the mildew. 437 00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:55,506 Alan. 438 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,642 Milady. 439 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,780 Here we go, almost got it. 440 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,282 If you could just stay still... 441 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,550 Yeah... Oh. 442 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,621 Uh, all right, that's it. That wasn't so hard, was it? 443 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,657 Actually, it was a lot harder than it needed to be, but... 444 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,959 That's what he said. (both chuckle) 445 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,028 Uh, well... Oh, your purse. 446 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,729 Well, thank you, guys. 447 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,198 Uh, you'll be hearing from me soon. 448 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,866 Got it. Bye. 449 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:25,837 Oh, my god. 450 00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:27,271 Is lyndsey okay? 451 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,040 Oh, sure. She's practically indestructible when she's drunk. 452 00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:30,908 I've seen her fall down a flight of stairs 453 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,343 And not spill her mojito. 454 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:33,578 (knocking) 455 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,116 I'm so sorry, I forgot my phone. 456 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,651 Oh. Here it is, right here on the table. Hey. Oh, hey. Ho! 457 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,220 (laughs) got it. And get the hell out of here. 458 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:45,556 Oh, one last thing. Um, I'm not supposed to say anything, 459 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,525 But unless something crazy happens, 460 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:48,926 You're gonna get approved. 461 00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:50,728 Seriously? 462 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,029 Get out of here. 463 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,231 Seriously. 464 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:56,167 I'm here to help with the baby. 465 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:57,268 Seriously? 466 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,469 Who is this? 467 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,871 Uh, uh, she is... 468 00:18:59,873 --> 00:19:02,740 Oh, you know what, this happens all the time. 469 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,609 Tourists get an out-of-date map to celebrity homes. 470 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:08,980 Honey, charlie sheen doesn't live here anymore. 471 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,382 Jenny: Lyndsey? 472 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:12,850 Hi. 473 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,051 And who is this? 474 00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,487 I fell down in the sand. 475 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,989 This is... 476 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,291 I'm the next-door neighbor. Hi. 477 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,559 Uh, we were having a get-together 478 00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,060 And this one got away. 479 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,495 Our next-door neighbor. That... Oh, that's right, 480 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,630 I remember you 481 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,465 From the fourth of July block party. 482 00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,001 Yeah... Oh, which, by the way, is amazing for kids. 483 00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,469 A waterslide, shaved ice. 484 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,005 My waterslide's shaved. 485 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,507 Okay, time to go home. 486 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,909 And, um, you know what? 487 00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:40,111 These guys are great. Ask anyone on our block. 488 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,979 We're all pulling for them to get a kid. 489 00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,648 Thank you. You're very sweet. 490 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,249 Okay, here we go. 491 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,484 No, where are you taking me? 492 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:47,685 To get a drink. 493 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,287 Aw, you're my best friend. 494 00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:53,191 Boy. Glad I never gave her a baby. 495 00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:55,493 You and me both. 496 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,295 ♪ Men. ♪ 497 00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,334 ♪ Men. ♪ hey. Alan, 498 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,102 What is the one thing 499 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,871 You've never gotten from your mother? 500 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,173 Uh, let's see, uh, love, respect, 501 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,609 A home-cooked meal, breast milk, um... 502 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,378 Okay, this is gonna take too long. 503 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,713 Approval. 504 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,348 Wait, are-are you trying to tell me 505 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,950 Ms. Mcmartin approved us to adopt? 506 00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,685 Yeah. Oh, my god. 507 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:21,886 Oh, my god, that's great. 508 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,621 (laughs) I am really happy for you. 509 00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,990 Thank you. I-I couldn't have done this without you. 510 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,993 And so, to say thank you, I got you a little something. 511 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:31,362 Oh, you didn't have to. 512 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,830 Oh, my god. 513 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,233 Tickets to the grease sing-along at the bowl. 514 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:36,500 You can take anyone you want. 515 00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:38,202 ♪ You're the one that I want aw! 516 00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:41,372 ♪ You are the one I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪ 517 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,374 Fine. 518 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:46,143 ♪ We'll go together like... ♪ (laughs) 519 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:49,213 Oh, my god, I'm turning into my husband.