1
00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:05,504
Alan.
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,705
Hurry up.
3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,173
The girls are almost here,
and I'm a...
4
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,443
♪ hunka hunka rotting love.
5
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,512
Alan: Sorry, just
finishing up my costume.
6
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:21,887
Who the hell are
you supposed to be?
7
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,889
You never saw pretty in pink?
8
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:26,658
Oh, right!
You're molly ringwald.
9
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,293
Ha-ha. I-I'm duckie.
10
00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:31,130
You know, the-the best friend,
the-the scene stealer?
11
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:34,333
Some would say
the true star of the film.
12
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:36,101
Who played him, boy george?
(chuckles)
13
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:40,706
Hey, what do you think
about zombie elvis, baby?
14
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,808
And don't be cruel.
15
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,243
It's great.
16
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,378
You look like both
the impersonator at my wedding
17
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,780
And my ex-wife.
18
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:50,582
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
19
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:54,253
What decays in vegas
stays in vegas.
20
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,355
Oh, hey, uh, did your
friend stacy say anything
21
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:57,656
About the girl she's
bringing for me?
22
00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,324
Uh, just that she's supposed
to be really cute,
23
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,260
And she just moved out here
after a tough breakup.
24
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,395
Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged.
25
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,097
Duckie's getting lucky.
26
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:08,233
You know, if duckie
really wants to get lucky,
27
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,736
He'll tell the girls that he's
someone that people remember.
28
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,337
Like ferris bueller.
29
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:16,875
Fine, you win again, broderick.
30
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:19,044
God, you know what
I love about Halloween?
31
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,213
You can put "slutty"
in front of any job position,
32
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,215
And it becomes a costume.
33
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:26,051
Slutty nurse, slutty librarian,
slutty lunch lady.
34
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,719
(groans)
35
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,588
Hey, you didn't know
mrs. Goobadeck
36
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,224
From mark twain elementary.
37
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,693
She rocked that hairnet.
38
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,428
(groaning):
My chest.
39
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,796
Seriously?
W-what's going on?
40
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,631
I don't know, I can't breathe,
my chest is tight.
41
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:40,632
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
42
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,867
Here, here. Sit down.
43
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,236
Um... Oh. Uh, well,
uh, don't worry.
44
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,438
I-I'm sure this is
nothing, but, uh...
45
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,309
I'm going to call an ambulance,
just in case.
46
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,543
Just, uh, just stay calm.
47
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,878
You're gonna be fine.
48
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,581
(whispering):
Help! My friend is dying!
49
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,916
I can't settle down, I think
he's having a heart attack.
50
00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,485
Oh, my god, I'm having
a heart attack.
51
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,120
Oh. No, no.
52
00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:03,055
I-I'm just saying that
to get them to hurry.
53
00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:04,256
I'm not just saying that.
54
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,390
I think he's headed
toward the light.
55
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:06,158
(door bell rings)
56
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,593
I can't feel my left arm.
57
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:09,228
Um, uh, you're gonna be okay.
58
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,296
It's probably just gas.
Try to fart!
59
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,966
Trick...
60
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,334
Or treat.
61
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,903
Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, you just
got here during a bit of a...
62
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,271
Ooh, I can see
your nipples, officer.
63
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:23,375
Anything you see will
be held against you.
64
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:26,078
And I'm harry potter.
65
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,013
But I'm not so hairy.
66
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,214
She's mine.
67
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,416
(groans)
68
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:32,751
(farts)
69
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:36,989
Didn't work!
70
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,368
(siren wailing)
71
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,637
Don't worry, we're
almost to the hospital.
72
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,472
Sir, are you taking
any medications?
73
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,794
Well, I take a generic lipitor
and a women's multi-vitamin.
74
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,877
I mean, just so you know,
I take the women's
75
00:02:58,879 --> 00:02:59,945
'cause it has more iron.
76
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:02,614
Same price, more iron.
77
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:03,682
Yes, please.
78
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,451
Is he gonna be okay?
79
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:07,519
We're doing all we can, sir.
80
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,354
I can't believe this is
happening, you know?
81
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,355
He's so young!
82
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,224
He leads such
a healthy lifestyle...
83
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,592
Well, except for all the pot.
84
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:16,828
You know, the-the weed.
85
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,096
The... The ganja.
86
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,733
The ol' mexican spinach.
87
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:25,537
Alan, if I live,
I'm going to kill you.
88
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,739
Stop it. You are gonna live.
89
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,174
(chuckles)
90
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,409
Is he gonna live?
91
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,477
We're en route
with a 35-year-old male.
92
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:35,380
Bp is 160/94, pulse is 108.
93
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,749
And he's dressed
as zombie elvis, over!
94
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:41,420
I-I don't know if you guys
need to know that.
95
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,422
They don't.
96
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,325
By the way, uh,
I'm dressed as...
97
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:47,526
Ferris bueller?
98
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,528
(laughs)
99
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:52,097
Hey, hey, at least I took
a chance with my costume.
100
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,166
I mean, elvis and zombies.
101
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:55,234
It's real original.
102
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,336
Next year, it's vampire obama.
103
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,871
(transylvanian accent):
"yes, we can!"
104
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:03,108
Excuse me, do you have
anything for the pain?
105
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,510
In my ass?
106
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,079
I know, I know.
107
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:09,381
I'm just... I'm freaking out
because I'm worried.
108
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,849
I mean, you are my best friend.
109
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,417
And if something were
to happen to you,
110
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,952
I don't know what I would do.
111
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,420
I mean, I-I've already
lost a brother.
112
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,923
I can't lose you, too!
113
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,458
A-and you're more
of a brother than he was.
114
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,460
And now jake's in the army,
and I'm all alone.
115
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,761
And I don't do well
when I'm alone...
116
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:23,829
Here, breathe.
117
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,634
Thank you.
118
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:33,205
Am I crazy, or is, uh,
something happening here?
119
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,844
♪ Men. ♪
120
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,584
Oh, good, uh, you made it.
121
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,419
Uh... Oh, I-I'm sorry I pulled
you out of your Halloween party,
122
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,387
I just figured you'd want to...
123
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,622
I wasn't at a Halloween party.
124
00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:53,625
I-I just assumed,
since you're dressed...
125
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,060
So what happened?
126
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,561
I don't know.
127
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:57,829
We were about to go out,
128
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,265
And he got chest pains
and suddenly collapsed.
129
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:02,000
Oh, wow.
130
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,835
He's so young.
131
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,270
So fit.
132
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,072
So not you.
133
00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:11,743
Hope he's okay.
134
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,480
I never thought I'd have a boss
better than your brother,
135
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,482
But walden is good people.
136
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,618
He's the best.
137
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,487
The guy has the biggest heart
of anyone I have ever met.
138
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,456
Yep, a heart of gold.
139
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,426
Clogged with arterial plaque.
140
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,361
You've been a good
friend to walden.
141
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,462
He's lucky to have you.
142
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:34,466
He's lucky to have you,
too, sister berta.
143
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,468
And, listen, um...
144
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:40,205
If, god forbid,
the worst happens,
145
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,374
I-I just want you
to know that, uh...
146
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:45,143
You'll always have
a job at the house.
147
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:48,146
I mean, we'd have to talk
reduced salaries, but, uh...
148
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,549
What makes you think
he'd leave you the house?
149
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,117
I'm his best friend.
150
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,618
There's nobody closer
to him than me.
151
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,220
I clean his underwear.
152
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,521
I wear his underwear.
153
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,323
(laughs)
154
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,991
Alan harper?
155
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,793
Oh, oh, that's me.
156
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,662
I'm dr. Prajneep.
157
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,464
Your friend had a
mild heart attack.
158
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,299
We put in a stent to
clear the blockage.
159
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:08,066
Is that bad?
160
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,634
In general,
161
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,036
A heart attack is bad.
162
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,205
But, uh, he should
make a full recovery.
163
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:14,573
Oh, thank god.
164
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,741
Oh, that is a huge relief.
165
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,642
Um, is there anything
we should do at home?
166
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:20,479
I just want to make sure
he has all the care he needs.
167
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,581
Uh, any special diet,
exercises, medications?
168
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:23,982
If it'd help,
169
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,551
I'd chew up his food and
feed him like a baby bird.
170
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,888
How could that possibly help?
171
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,157
I'll tell you what
doesn't help... that tone.
172
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,925
Can we see him?
173
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:35,360
Soon as he's in recovery.
174
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,728
Any other questions?
175
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,363
Uh, no, we're just happy
that he's gonna be okay.
176
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,364
Thank you.
177
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:40,599
My pleasure.
178
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,667
By the way, ferris bueller
is my favorite movie.
179
00:06:45,371 --> 00:06:47,572
Wait, b-berta.
W-where are you going?
180
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,707
We're not supposed
to go back there yet.
181
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,542
I'm a nun at a hospital.
182
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,911
I can do whatever
the hell I want.
183
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,653
I'm dead.
184
00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:07,859
And I'm in hell.
185
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,762
Relax.
186
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,063
You're in the hospital.
187
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,433
You had a mild heart attack,
but you're gonna be fine.
188
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:16,201
I don't feel very good.
189
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,437
That's because they put
a stent in your heart.
190
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,772
But also I feel really good.
191
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:25,043
That's because they put morphine
in your veins.
192
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,746
We should start keeping morphine
in the house.
193
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:30,582
I know a guy.
194
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:33,985
Berta, you're so funny.
195
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,222
I would've missed you so much
if I would've died.
196
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,291
Oh, oh, but you don't
have to worry about that.
197
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:40,392
Y-you're not going anywhere.
198
00:07:40,394 --> 00:07:41,960
I love you guys.
199
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,261
We love you, too.
200
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,597
You know, when I think about it,
201
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:48,166
You guys are
my only real family.
202
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,235
Oh, walden, that's so...
203
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,604
Horrible.
204
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,972
Okay.
205
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,475
Saved your life, but whatever.
206
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:58,610
My life is pathetic.
207
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:01,680
I mean, thank you guys so much
for being here.
208
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:04,516
But you're not good enough!
209
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:07,252
Okay, now it sounds
like my family.
210
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,020
Um...
211
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,021
Maybe you should rest.
212
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,590
You know, just go
to your happy place.
213
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:12,991
I know a shortcut.
214
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:13,992
Say when.
215
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,460
Whe...
216
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,863
(squeals)
217
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,099
Dressed as a nun,
giving some guy morphine...
218
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,735
Boy, does this take me
back to high school.
219
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,344
Hey, how you feeling?
220
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,445
I'm all right.
221
00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:35,313
Well, uh, I know
222
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,616
Something that'll
make you feel better.
223
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,784
I made some of my famous
three bean salad.
224
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,220
The secret...
225
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,256
(whispers):
I use four beans.
226
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:48,126
Garbanzo.
227
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,694
Shh.
228
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,163
You ever look out at the ocean
229
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,466
And think about how small
and insignificant you are?
230
00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:57,836
I don't need the ocean;
I can just call my mother.
231
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,471
I almost died, alan.
232
00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:01,072
But the important thing is
you didn't.
233
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,174
So, now you just have
to listen to your doctors,
234
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,543
Don't stress about anything
and relax.
235
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,978
(shrill laughing)
(screams)
236
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,147
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
237
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,818
Sorry.
238
00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,887
That was supposed to scare the
life out of trick-or-treaters,
239
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,988
Not you.
240
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,089
This sucks!
241
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,425
How am I the one
with a stent in my heart?
242
00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,260
I'm healthy, I-I'm fit.
243
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,095
You sit in front
of the tv every night,
244
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,097
Shoveling a pint of ice cream
down your throat.
245
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,699
Hey, I eat my feelings,
246
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,935
And you are sending me
right back to the freezer.
247
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,503
You know, it just goes to show,
248
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:33,271
Your life can end
in the blink of an eye.
249
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,106
One day you're here,
the next day you're gone.
250
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,775
That's why I live
by the philosophy
251
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,411
"one day I'm here,
the next day I'm still here."
252
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:43,682
You know, if-if I would have
died, who would have missed me?
253
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,384
What are you talking about?
I would, berta would.
254
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,920
A-and you just got an e-mail
from netflix the other day
255
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,989
That literally said,
"we miss you."
256
00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:56,461
You know, other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.
257
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,029
At least you got jake.
258
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,231
Well, that's true.
259
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:02,400
I'll always have my little guy.
260
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,269
Although, in his last e-mail,
261
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:07,472
He, uh, asked me when the
fourth of July was this year.
262
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:12,410
But, yes, I'm very lucky.
263
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:15,947
Do you know how much
I would give to have a kid
264
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,550
Who didn't understand
the concept of a calendar?
265
00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:22,053
All I have is money.
266
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,655
Yeah.
267
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:26,524
'Cause I wouldn't give up jake
for a billion dollars.
268
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,329
I got to make some changes.
269
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:32,564
Changes are good.
270
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,165
Uh, you know,
I remember when I switched
271
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,034
From american idol to the voice.
272
00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:38,470
My life turned around
273
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,972
Like blake shelton's chair.
274
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,641
You know what?
275
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,776
I want to have a kid of my own.
276
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,578
What?
277
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,947
Yeah, I want something
to give my life meaning.
278
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,650
I want somebody
I can love unconditionally.
279
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,952
Someone I can teach,
someone I can nurture,
280
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,987
Someone I can leave all this to.
281
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,155
Well...
282
00:10:57,157 --> 00:11:00,792
I mean, I don't know
what to say, except...
283
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,627
Papa?
284
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:04,429
♪ Men. ♪
285
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:11,803
Have you thought this through?
286
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,104
Having a kid is a lot of work.
287
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,374
Having you is a lot of work.
288
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,677
You know, having a child
would give my life meaning.
289
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,211
Otherwise, all this
has been for nothing,
290
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,713
And that's difficult to accept.
291
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,947
You know what's difficult?
292
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,684
Removing a marble
your kid shoved up his nose.
293
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,818
I did something like that.
294
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,286
I jammed a penny up there.
295
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,955
I was trying to get a gumball
to fall out of my butt.
296
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,891
But a kid is permanent.
297
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,359
It's not like you're dating.
298
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,661
You can't just stop calling
or change your number
299
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,797
Or fake your own death
because they annoy you.
300
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,131
You do that to women?
301
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,433
No, they do it to me.
302
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:46,037
Look, I-I'm sorry if it feels
like I'm being negative,
303
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,306
Because the truth is,
you know, kids are amazing.
304
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,575
But you just had
this big health scare,
305
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,510
And you're probably not
in the best frame of mind
306
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,912
To make life decisions.
307
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,848
I mean, this morning,
you cried at a beer commercial.
308
00:11:56,850 --> 00:12:00,385
Yeah, but the horse and
the puppy were best friends!
309
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,053
Look,
310
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,922
Having a heart attack
didn't make me realize
311
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:06,491
I want to have a kid,
it made me realize
312
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,059
I don't want to live
another day without one.
313
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,028
It was like a wake-up call.
314
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,362
All right.
315
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:15,500
If you really want to do this,
I will be here to support you.
316
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,901
From my room.
317
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,238
Which, fyi, is way too drafty
to use as a nursery.
318
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,507
Don't worry.
You're not going anywhere.
319
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:23,908
Sweet! Let's get that kid!
320
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,944
So, uh, who's the lucky lady
321
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,879
Who's gonna receive your seed?
322
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:30,215
See, you just put
your creepy little finger
323
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,483
Right on the problem.
324
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,253
I haven't exactly been
successful in love.
325
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,290
It's like I'm running javascript
and women are running html5.
326
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:43,428
Talking like that is part
of the problem, isn't it?
327
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,696
Yeah.
328
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,698
And it's weird, because
your package is perfect.
329
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,703
And... And by "package,"
I don't mean your package,
330
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:55,507
I mean your...
Package.
331
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:59,244
Although, that is also
a showstopper.
332
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,113
Okay, I can't believe that
this is not the first time
333
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:05,016
I've said this, but stop
looking at my penis.
334
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:09,587
Well, now that
you've mentioned it,
335
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,590
I can't stop looking.
336
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,659
It's like the elephant's trunk
in the room.
337
00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:18,630
Don't worry,
you'll-you'll find somebody.
338
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,598
And, you know,
it goes without saying
339
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,468
That if I could, I would
happily bear you a child.
340
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:27,806
Okay, I wish all of this
had gone without saying.
341
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,574
You doing okay?
342
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,075
Yeah, I'm good.
343
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:34,145
He wants to have a kid.
Now all he needs is a woman.
344
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,214
Would you consider
a pregnant stripper?
345
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:39,017
Uh, no.
346
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,586
Well, that rules out
both my granddaughters.
347
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,961
Morning. Did you
take your pills?
348
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,529
Yep.
349
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,865
Are you lying to me
or are you lying to yourself?
350
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,200
(rattling)
351
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:59,070
They're too big.
It's hard to swallow.
352
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:01,539
If you say
"that's what she said,"
353
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,141
I will kill you.
354
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,475
You know what she said?
355
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:06,778
"Take your pills.
I care about you."
356
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:08,179
Fine.
357
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,448
Do you know how long
it takes to get a baby?
358
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,685
Well, I know it takes, uh,
five months of mood swings
359
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:16,821
And four months of not
wanting to be touched.
360
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,791
And who knows what my ex-wife
was going through.
361
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:21,059
I was just
researching surrogacy,
362
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,127
And they say that once
you choose a great candidate,
363
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:24,462
It can take up to three years
364
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,364
Before you have
a baby in your arm.
365
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,999
I can't wait that long.
366
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,235
I mean, who knows if I'll even
still want a kid by then?
367
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,970
Tell me about it.
368
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:35,173
Six months into jake's life,
I was like, "check, please!"
369
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,075
I was kidding.
370
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,910
As was I.
371
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,647
Okay.
372
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,916
I've narrowed down my options
to either adoption
373
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,317
Or seeing if brad and angelina
374
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,486
Have an extra one
they could throw me.
375
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,488
Uh, you know, if you really
want to adopt...
376
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,591
For the last time, alan,
I am not adopting you!
377
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,326
But, papa...
378
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,495
Ah! All right.
379
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,234
I already reached out
to a lawyer
380
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,069
Who specializes in adoption.
381
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,105
Well, you're a perfect
candidate to adopt.
382
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,540
I mean, you're highly educated,
you're likeable,
383
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,342
Uh, you have a stable
home environment...
384
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:15,680
Financially secure,
no criminal record, handsome.
385
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:19,384
I-I don't... I don't think
handsome really comes into play.
386
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,020
Doesn't it, alan?
387
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:23,955
No, I don't think so.
388
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:27,592
Doesn't it?
389
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,394
You're being ridiculous.
390
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:30,929
Am I?
391
00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:35,300
I will steal you a baby.
392
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,903
♪ Men. ♪
393
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,239
So, as you can see,
finances are not an issue.
394
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,807
I have a lot of extra free time,
395
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,977
And I know I can provide
a loving, nurturing home.
396
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,713
You okay?
397
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,649
Are you?
398
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,685
Seriously, do I need
to call someone?
399
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:55,920
Never mind.
400
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,221
What's important is that
401
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,890
I will coach the hell
out of the braves.
402
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,258
Excuse me?
403
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,226
It'll be the name of
my son's tee-ball team.
404
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:03,895
Pretty pink ponies,
if it's a girl.
405
00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,964
You know what,
if my son wants to play
406
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:08,132
For the pretty pink ponies,
then so be it.
407
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,001
Tolerant.
408
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,103
Well, mr. Schmidt,
409
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,405
You are obviously
more than qualified.
410
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:15,306
Thank you.
411
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,474
That said, I'd start looking
412
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,976
At golden retriever puppies,
413
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,143
'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
414
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,245
Well, I don't understand.
415
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:22,814
You just said that
I'm more than qualified.
416
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,815
And you are.
417
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,283
But you're a single guy,
418
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,352
And the system is really geared
towards married couples.
419
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,153
That's racist.
420
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,656
Uh, no, it's not.
421
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,157
Then it's sexist.
422
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,659
Nope.
423
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:37,295
Well, it's some kind of "sist."
424
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,297
Look, I'm not saying
it's impossible, okay?
425
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,932
Just that it's difficult.
426
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,534
You're in line behind families
that already have children,
427
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,303
Married couples, single women...
428
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,304
Anyone else?
429
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:47,939
What, sweat shops? Circuses?
430
00:16:47,941 --> 00:16:49,307
The vienna boys' choir?
431
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,542
Look, I wish
I had better news, okay?
432
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,978
If you were married,
this would be a slam dunk.
433
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:55,680
Okay, you don't get it.
434
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,282
Marriage is not
an option for me.
435
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,451
Okay, I understand
you're frustrated...
436
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,487
No, what's frustrating
is that every woman I meet
437
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,888
Runs screaming from me!
438
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:04,889
I was married before
and she left me
439
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,357
And I tried to commit suicide.
440
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,859
Don't write that down.
441
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,327
Why are you writing that down?!
442
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,328
No, no...
443
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,796
Then I proposed
to two other women,
444
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,164
And they both shot me down.
445
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,532
I am incapable of maintaining
446
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,367
A long-term relationship
with anybody.
447
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,236
Now, give me a frickin' baby!
448
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,504
Okay.
449
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:20,671
I think we're done here.
450
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,206
No, we are not done here!
451
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,342
I almost died wearing
a bedazzled jumpsuit
452
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,710
And my life needs meaning.
453
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,412
Stop writing things down!
454
00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:35,086
Mmm.
455
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,754
Hey, how'd it go?
What kind of world...
456
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:37,588
Uh-oh.
457
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,190
Are we living in
458
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,993
Where any two high school kids
with a broken condom
459
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:44,228
Can screw behind
an applebee's dumpster,
460
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,064
Have a baby,
give it up for adoption,
461
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,001
But not have it go to
an adult who is upstanding,
462
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:53,237
Responsible,
and, might I add, handsome...
463
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:56,674
Simply because
every woman I meet
464
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,242
Eventually grows to loathe me?
465
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,944
And because of that,
the pretty pink ponies
466
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:02,413
Will not have a tee-ball coach!
467
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,115
So it didn't go well?
468
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,616
(mocking):
No, it did not go well.
469
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,686
All right, well, uh,
first things first.
470
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,688
Uh, how about we get
you a little zin
471
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,123
To calm your nerves?
472
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,291
It's just not fair.
473
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,392
I know, I know.
474
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,893
Uh, thank you.
475
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,229
Just because I'm single,
I'm not a fit parent?
476
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,497
Did they say that to you?
477
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:23,367
That's how I felt.
478
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:24,435
Apparently, the whole system
479
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,537
Is geared towards
married couples.
480
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,106
And-and single guys
are not welcome.
481
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,874
Like a studio city
swingers party.
482
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,276
Exactly.
483
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,278
Wait, what?
484
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,380
Nothing. So, uh, did you
tell her everything?
485
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:38,816
I mean, how you're successful,
you're warm, you're caring...
486
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,485
I told her everything.
Did you give her the smile?
487
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,286
Of course I gave her the smile.
488
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,122
She thought I was
having a stroke.
489
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:46,424
So nothing worked?
490
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:48,493
No. Even if I hadn't been
escorted out by security,
491
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,795
I still don't think
they were giving me a kid.
492
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,930
Wow, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.
493
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,298
You know, it's ridiculous.
494
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,268
Why-why are married people
automatically better parents?
495
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,804
My mom was married six
times; didn't help her.
496
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,440
See, and I would've been
a great dad.
497
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,908
I would've played
catch with him,
498
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,143
I would've read to him,
499
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,777
I would've waited
till he went to sleep
500
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,913
Before I smoked pot.
501
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,449
Already got my mom beat.
502
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,817
But-but you shouldn't give up.
503
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,485
I mean, you might
still find somebody.
504
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,820
No, I don't want
to marry somebody
505
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,421
Just to marry somebody.
506
00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:18,956
It's got to be the right person.
507
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,491
Ooh, or mila kunis.
508
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,161
I get it.
509
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,462
That's hard to find.
510
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,097
(timer dings)
oh, that's my banana bread.
511
00:19:26,099 --> 00:19:27,632
I love your banana bread.
512
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:28,633
I know.
513
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,334
I made it hoping
we could celebrate,
514
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,004
But it works on
a sad tummy, too.
515
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,040
Oh, what would I do without you?
516
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,409
I hope you never have
to find out. (chuckles)
517
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,446
What?
518
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:46,050
You are... Always there for me.
519
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,785
Yeah, and-and you're always
there for me.
520
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,220
We're best friends.
521
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:54,625
What if we were
more than friends?
522
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:59,063
Like...
523
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,132
Super friends?
524
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,505
Alan harper,
525
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,106
Will you marry me?
526
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:15,379
♪ Men. ♪
527
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:23,421
Are you seriously
asking me to marry you?
528
00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:28,659
I can't believe
this is happening.
529
00:20:31,096 --> 00:20:35,166
And I always thought alan
would be the one on his knees.