1
00:00:01,868 --> 00:00:03,669
♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:07,006
Are you eating
cookie dough?
3
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,008
Yup. It's my favorite recipe.
4
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,443
All you need
is cookie dough and weed.
5
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,179
So the only thing
you have to bake is yourself.
6
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,714
It's very efficient.
7
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:19,018
It causes the munchies
and then immediately cures them.
8
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,886
(computer chimes)
hey.
9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,588
What do you know?
They found my car.
10
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,089
You lost your car?
11
00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:26,091
What the hell's your
cookie dough laced with?
12
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,027
No, I found this company
13
00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:31,030
And they help you
locate old vehicles.
14
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,565
It's called
dude, where's my car?
15
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,401
So what's so great
about this thing?
16
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,303
I don't know. It's my first car.
I got a lot of firsts in it.
17
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,972
First time I learned to drive.
18
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,574
First time I had sex.
19
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,576
First time I had a condom break.
20
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,845
First time I prayed.
21
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,614
So you gonna buy this car?
22
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:52,217
No. Some guy named
dirk in denver has it.
23
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,519
So why go through all the effort
24
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,220
Of tracking it down
if you don't want it?
25
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,622
Nostalgia?
26
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,524
It's kind of like...
27
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,225
Looking up
your first girlfriend,
28
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,094
Or your high school
math teacher.
29
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:05,364
For me,
those were one and the same.
30
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,900
She still writes me
from prison.
31
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,770
I think my math teacher
had a crush on my me, too.
32
00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:14,440
I mean, why else would he ask me
to take a shower
33
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,041
After math team practice?
34
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:18,977
Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.
35
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:22,548
Uh, I would now like
to introduce my girlfriend,
36
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,550
The very fetchin'
gretchen.
37
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:25,617
Hey, everybody.
38
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,019
Hi, I'm walden. It's nice
39
00:01:27,021 --> 00:01:28,353
To finally meet you.
Yeah.
40
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,255
Alan, uh, told me that you work
41
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,024
In an animal shelter
taking in strays.
42
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,660
So we have
a lot in common.
43
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,428
Yeah.
44
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,996
Uh, this is my-my niece jenny.
45
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:38,997
Hi.
Hi.
46
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,165
And we met.
47
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,533
I'm barry, walden's
youthful ward.
48
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,202
It's really nice
to meet all of you.
49
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,436
God, this place
is amazing.
50
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,004
How do you afford
the rent, alan?
51
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,173
(laughs)
52
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:50,309
What's so funny?
53
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,678
Well, I-I don't pay rent,
per se.
54
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,946
Or per month.
55
00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,548
Or per year.
56
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,817
Really? No rent?
57
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,052
How long has that
been going on?
58
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,321
Three years with walden,
eight years with my dad.
59
00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:05,991
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
60
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,059
Yeah.
61
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:08,627
I have never
wanted you more.
62
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:09,761
(chuckles)
63
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,497
Who's my cheap daddy?
64
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,565
Would you like to see
the bedroom I don't pay for?
65
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:16,301
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a groupon?
66
00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:20,739
Will you let me get
my grope on?
67
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:24,977
Nice to meet you, gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
68
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:26,912
I've got to stop
saying that.
69
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,314
So, what do you say
we hop on your plane,
70
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,683
Head over to denver
and at least look
at this car?
71
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,185
You know you want to.
72
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,020
You guys just want
to go to colorado
73
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:36,188
'cause pot is legal there.
74
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,690
What?
It's-it's legal?
75
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,559
They legalized marijuana
in colorado?
76
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:43,595
You say up
to three ounces?
77
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,498
Look, we're not going to denver
to look at a car
78
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,100
And bring home
three ounces of pot.
79
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:49,935
Yeah, but if we go
with you,
80
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,104
We can bring back
nine ounces.
81
00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:53,705
Fire up the jet.
82
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,976
♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
83
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:01,046
♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.
84
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,084
♪ men. ♪
85
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:11,056
Well, guess who just joined
the mile high club.
86
00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:14,927
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
87
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:18,130
Oh, it counted... Twice.
88
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,464
Up top.
89
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:20,599
No!
90
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:21,800
Not gonna happen.
91
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:24,803
This is crazy.
92
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,072
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost
93
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,975
Of flying all the way to denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
94
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:33,612
We can't turn back now.
95
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,280
I canceled an audition
for this trip.
96
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,648
You're kidding, right?
97
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,585
The part was
dead junkie number two.
98
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:43,755
Although, I did buy painkillers
to get into character.
99
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:46,458
It doesn't matter
what the role is.
100
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,694
This job leads to the next,
101
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,430
And you're playing
dead junkie number one.
102
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,233
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
103
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:55,901
And then what?
104
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,302
Win a bunch of oscars,
105
00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:00,005
Get rich, fly around
on a private plane?
106
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,174
Oh, look, I skipped to the end!
107
00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:04,476
So what kind of car
are we going to look at?
108
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,612
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
109
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,881
It's a 1967 mustang
110
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,618
With a 289 v-8,
a holley four-barrel carb
111
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:13,719
And positraction.
112
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:14,886
(whistles)
113
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,355
What does that mean?
114
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:19,625
I have no idea. My dad used
to say it all the time
115
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,260
When we were working on the car.
116
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:23,629
I like to think that it
117
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,064
Was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
118
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,899
Another was,
"why is daddy's beer empty?"
119
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,234
I totally get it.
120
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,536
My dad's coded "I love you"
was, "seriously?
121
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,639
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
122
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,307
(chuckles)
123
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,044
So you worked on this
with your dad.
124
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:41,446
Apparently, there's an emotional
connection with this car.
125
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,848
It's a mixed emotion.
126
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,717
It took us two years
to restore it.
127
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,353
When it was finished,
it was cherry.
128
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,822
Of course, cherry was also
the name of the stripper
129
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,625
That he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
130
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,494
Wait-- so why would you
want to buy something
131
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,795
That caused you
so much pain?
132
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,797
I mean, that'd be like me buying
the senior prom.
133
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,068
It was on my 16th birthday.
134
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:06,204
I go outside the house...
And there's that car
135
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,873
Sitting in the driveway.
136
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,474
No sign of my dad, though.
137
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,942
It was still the best
birthday ever.
138
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:13,512
Well, until my mom took a
baseball bat to the windshield.
139
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:16,281
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
140
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,317
A box of condoms and a card
that said,
141
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,152
"don't make the same mistake
I did."
142
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:22,821
He was a joker.
143
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,657
How about you, jenny?
144
00:05:27,226 --> 00:05:30,095
Oh, she would've nailed
dead junkie number two!
145
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,465
♪ men. ♪
146
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,267
Oh! What a great idea:
147
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:37,502
Having sex in every
room in the house.
148
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,138
Well, to be fair,
the laundry room was more you
149
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,307
Sitting on the dryer
while I took a breather.
150
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,542
Yeah. Next time, I think
151
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,644
I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
152
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:48,313
You know, boom-boom-boom-
boom-boom!
Yeah.
153
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,550
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
154
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,219
Kind of makes a man want
to buy a place of his own.
155
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,455
(both laugh)
156
00:05:57,423 --> 00:05:59,791
Nah, I'm gonna die here,
I really am.
157
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,260
So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?
158
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,162
You know,
besides this guy.
159
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,798
I would love to spend
the night doing this guy,
160
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,767
But we promised
lyndsey and larry
we'd meet 'em.
161
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:09,768
Remember, karaoke?
162
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:10,869
Oh, that's right.
163
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,738
Oh, hey, hey,
maybe we can use
164
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,039
My Halloween costumes
from last year.
165
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,707
You know, donny and marie?
166
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,510
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into walden's donny outfit.
167
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:23,615
You know, I was thinking
tonight would be a great time
168
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,617
To tell larry that you're
not jeff strongman,
169
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,018
That you're really
alan harper.
170
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,987
Oh, that's funny
because I was thinking
171
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:32,591
Tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
172
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,759
He's my brother, alan.
173
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,360
I can't just
keep lying to him.
174
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:37,696
I lied to my brother all
the time. It worked out great.
175
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,297
Your brother's dead.
176
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,967
I didn't say it worked out
great for everybody.
177
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,636
♪ men. ♪
178
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:45,771
(plays discordant chord)
179
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:46,838
Hey!
180
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,374
Are you dirk?
181
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,642
Are you a cop?
182
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,811
No.
Then I'm dirk.
183
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,746
I'm walden schmidt.
I called about the car.
184
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,015
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
185
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,518
And then you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
186
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,120
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
187
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,755
I learned that the hard way.
188
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:05,957
These your kids?
189
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,359
(snickers)
190
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:09,261
No.
191
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,429
Are they mine?
192
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:13,799
Hey, uh, is this the car?
193
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,468
Yeah, let me take her
top off for you.
194
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,104
You're about to see one hot car.
195
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:24,109
Where, behind
this piece of crap?
196
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,745
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
197
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,880
Just like my old lady.
198
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,315
Hey, that's not bad.
199
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:33,051
♪ she's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done ♪
200
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:36,955
♪ I'd like to escape,
but I'm too old to run! ♪
201
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,423
Yeah, that's a hit!
202
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:41,326
So is this your car?
203
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,828
Yeah.
204
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,664
It's still got the vote for bush
bumper sticker on it.
205
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,132
You were a republican?
206
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,601
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
207
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,670
You know, "bush"?
208
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:55,340
Tell you what, I love bush.
209
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,142
You and me both.
210
00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:00,846
She's got a lot
of wear and tear on her.
211
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,614
Not much to look at.
212
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,382
Looks like it was rear-ended.
213
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,218
Just like my old lady.
214
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:10,489
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy backseat.
215
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,857
Just like your old lady?
216
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,926
Hey! That's the mother
of three of my five kids!
217
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:19,030
Anyway, this bad boy can still
get up to a buck ten.
218
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,067
Yeah, maybe if the truck
towing it was going 110.
219
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,336
You don't believe me,
I refer you
220
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:27,706
To world's wildest
police chases, episode 139.
221
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:30,575
Whoa, what died in here?
222
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:32,744
My granddad.
223
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,212
The seat belt got jammed,
we had to
224
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:35,981
Leave him in there
for a couple of days.
225
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:40,619
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
226
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,953
Whoa, hang on, hang on.
227
00:08:42,922 --> 00:08:44,022
How much do
you want for it?
228
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,757
Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing?
229
00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:48,627
I'll take $1,800 unless you can
230
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,529
Come up with some kind
of other arrangement.
231
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:51,730
Ew!
232
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,398
How about you?
233
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,268
No!
234
00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,837
$1,800 it is, then.
235
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:02,007
I'm not...
I'm not buying this car.
236
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,209
Walden, this car
is a piece of your life.
237
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,710
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody else
238
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,012
In the world except you.
239
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:11,283
All right, I'll give you $1,800.
240
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:14,686
Dude, you didn't haggle.
It's no good unless you haggle.
241
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:18,189
Okay, uh, fine. $1,600.
242
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,224
$1,700.
243
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,192
Deal. $1,700.
244
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,028
Yeah!
245
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,064
I was just gonna give you
$1,800.
246
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,933
That's the thing
about haggling, dude.
247
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:30,535
Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.
248
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,672
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
249
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,574
♪ men. ♪
250
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,545
♪ hey, will you love me
forever? ♪
251
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,014
♪ let me sleep on it
252
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,149
♪ will you love me forever?
253
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,750
♪ let me sleep on it
254
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,519
♪ will you love me forever?
255
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:48,987
♪ I couldn't take it
any longer ♪
256
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,455
♪ lord, I was crazed
257
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,958
♪ and then the feeling came
upon me like a tidal wave ♪
258
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,493
♪ I started swearing to my god
on my mother's grave ♪
259
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:58,229
♪ that I would love you
till the end of time ♪
260
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:01,199
♪ I swore I'd love you
till the end of time! ♪
261
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,834
Yeah!
262
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,436
Gretchen, jeff!
263
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:07,172
Follow that, bitches.
264
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,341
Come on, lyndsey, it's our turn.
265
00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:11,109
♪ who let the dogs out?
266
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,079
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
267
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:15,947
Come on. You can do
better than that.
268
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,350
Larry, do I look like I want
to do better than that?
269
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,985
Ooh, last time I saw
that face,
270
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,253
I forgot
to pick up wine.
271
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,855
Boy, was I in
the doghouse
272
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:25,023
That night. Hey!
273
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,892
♪ who's in the doghouse?
274
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,861
♪ who-who-who-who?
275
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:30,929
That's what
I'm talking about!
276
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,197
Come on. Let's show 'em how
277
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,932
You and your brother
do it doggy style.
278
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,704
He doesn't really
hear himself, does he?
279
00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:42,207
Why are you here?
280
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,075
I've told you a hundred times,
I don't want
281
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,910
To double-date with gretchen
and jeff strongman.
282
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:48,179
Well, you won't
have to anymore.
283
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,881
Guess who's gonna tell larry
the truth tonight.
284
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,417
♪ who-who-who-who?
285
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,487
What do you mean?
286
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,123
I told gretchen
who I really am.
287
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,425
I was tired of living a lie
288
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,626
And sneaking around,
being dishonest.
289
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,661
I'm better than that.
290
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:03,895
She caught you.
291
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,263
Yes. Yes, she did.
292
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,632
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
293
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,869
If you tell larry
who you really are,
294
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,204
Then he's gonna wonder why
I didn't tell him.
295
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,073
And that's not something
I want to deal with
296
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,175
Less than two weeks before
we're supposed to get married.
297
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,543
God, is it two weeks?
298
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,211
Boy, I better find
those rings.
299
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,714
Alan, you're not gonna say
a thing about
300
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,049
Who you really are.
301
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,717
I'm sorry, but I already
promised gretchen.
302
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,285
And-and the fact
of the matter is
303
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,020
You and I aren't
in a relationship anymore,
304
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,990
So you no longer have me
by the balls!
305
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,363
♪ men. ♪
306
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,266
♪ dial 1-900-mix-a-lot
and kick them nasty thoughts ♪
307
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:42,767
♪ baby got back!
308
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,303
(cheering)
309
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,375
Come on, larry, let's
show 'em how we do it.
310
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,143
There you go!
311
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,379
Menstrual cramps
can't stop my lady!
312
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,481
It's larry-oke time!
313
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,288
♪ ow! I feel good
314
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,758
♪ I knew that I would now
315
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,494
So, did you talk
to larry yet?
316
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,396
Uh, well, you know,
I was, I was running
317
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,831
This whole thing by
lyndsey, and, um...
318
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,334
Whoa, wait. Why would you
run it by lyndsey?
319
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,635
You know, she is the
one getting married,
320
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,104
And I didn't want
to spring it on her
321
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,939
Because lyndsey is not the
girl you want to get angry
322
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,307
Unless you're about
to have sex with her,
323
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:23,875
'cause then she
turns into a freak,
324
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,477
And I don't know
why I'm saying this.
325
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:26,611
I know why.
326
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,480
Because you still have
feelings for her.
327
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:30,115
(scoffs) that's crazy.
I just, I think
328
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,850
It's the right thing to do,
that's all.
329
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:34,819
Oh, my god.
330
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,888
That is why you invented
jeff strongman
331
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:39,924
In the first place,
was to win lyndsey back.
332
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,193
Feelings like that
don't just disappear.
333
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,895
Sure, they do.
There's a lot of things
334
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,330
I used to love that
I don't love anymore:
335
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,298
Uh, roller coasters,
dairy, my mother.
336
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,067
This isn't funny, alan.
337
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,034
Well, I-I was just saying...
338
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,469
No, listen to me.
339
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,073
Look, if you want to run
everything by your ex-girlfriend
340
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,275
And not tell larry the truth,
then so be it.
341
00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:00,345
But I don't want anything
to do with it. Or you.
Wait, gretchen...
342
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:02,547
Gretchen. Gretchen, wait!
343
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,349
♪ I feel good
344
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,786
♪ I knew that I would now
345
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,921
Come on, jeff,
you know the words.
346
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:13,024
♪ so good, so good
347
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,425
♪ I'm gonna die alone
348
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,127
♪ ow!
349
00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:18,963
♪ men. ♪
350
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,099
Aren't you glad
I made you do this?
351
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,169
Yeah.
Having déjà vu.
352
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,105
My dad used to let me sit
on his lap and steer.
353
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,740
Yeah, my dad
wasn't around much.
354
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:31,843
I had to teach myself all those
things that dads teach you:
355
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,912
How to ride a bike,
how to shave,
356
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,748
How to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
357
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,516
What?
358
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,186
No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
359
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:44,989
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
360
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,991
This thing is actually
really cool.
361
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,993
What made you sell it
in the first place?
362
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,029
I needed the seed money
to start my company,
363
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:54,332
And it's the only thing
I had that was worth anything.
364
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,068
You know,
when you think about it,
365
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,337
This car is really responsible
for everything I have:
366
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:03,041
The beach house,
my jet and my fortune.
367
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,242
Alan.
368
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,846
Shh, she didn't mean it.
It's not true.
369
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:11,583
So that means your dad
is kind of responsible
370
00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:13,218
For your success, too,
doesn't it?
371
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:16,154
I never really thought of it
like that.
372
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:19,490
I guess he is.
373
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,125
Thanks, dad.
374
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,795
Oh, that gave me the chills.
375
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:24,863
Oh! No, wait.
376
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,232
There's a hole
in the floorboard.
377
00:14:30,469 --> 00:14:32,704
Anybody else want to
drive for a while?
378
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:35,039
I don't know how to drive.
379
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,875
What?
380
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,443
I grew up in manhattan.
381
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,478
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
382
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,615
Ooh, this is my first time
in the front seat!
383
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:47,719
Well, there's no time
like the present.
384
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,354
(all screaming)
385
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,560
I'm gonna pull
in here.
386
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,263
I'm pretty sure
they sell underwear
at cracker barrel.
387
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:03,568
♪ men. ♪
388
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,069
Berta?
389
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,005
Hey, zippy.
390
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,373
It's 10:00.
391
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:09,807
What are you still doing here?
392
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,442
It's 11 years later.
393
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,611
What are you
still doing here?
394
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,514
Where's your girlfriend?
395
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:19,350
Gone. I think I lost her.
396
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,519
You mean "lost"
like you broke up
397
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,989
Or "lost" like the time charlie
took jake to disneyland?
398
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:27,992
Broke up.
Wait-- charlie lost jake?
399
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,794
Actually, jake lost charlie.
400
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:31,963
Security found him.
401
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,198
He was doing white snow
with snow white.
402
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:36,901
So, um,
403
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:40,204
What did you do to drive
this girlfriend away?
404
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,073
She thinks I'm still
in love with lyndsey,
405
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,776
Which I'm not,
but she doesn't believe me.
406
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,277
Well, make her believe you.
407
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,446
You can make anybody believe
anything.
408
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,249
You made the irs believe
you had seven dependents.
409
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,217
That's true.
410
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,354
I went to chiropractic college
on an naacp scholarship.
411
00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,258
Exactly.
412
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,593
And you made those people
at the movie theater
413
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,295
Believe that you were under 14.
414
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:08,032
And over 65.
415
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,434
Once on the same day.
416
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,635
(laughs)
417
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,171
The, uh, the secret is
that both of those groups wear
418
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,007
Little baseball caps.
(laughs)
419
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:18,543
I was saving this
for your funeral,
420
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,712
But, zippy, you're a charmer.
421
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,413
Thanks, berta.
422
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,048
No. Thank you.
423
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:26,718
Now I don't have
to go to your funeral.
424
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,022
♪ men. ♪
425
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,857
Wow,
426
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:36,694
This utah sky is amazing.
427
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,763
We're indoors.
428
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:43,668
Wow, this colorado weed
is amazing.
429
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,774
Guess who just joined
the 6,106-foot club.
430
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:53,945
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
431
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,446
Whatever.
432
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,814
I don't like it here.
433
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,950
There's no wi-fi
or cell service.
434
00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:01,019
It's like one of those movies
where you find out
435
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,320
The little town's full
of zombies.
436
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,322
Or werewolves.
437
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:05,823
Or zombie werewolves.
438
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,291
How would that happen?
439
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,960
Hello. Do the math.
440
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,161
Zombie bites a werewolf,
441
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,030
Werewolf dies, comes back
as a werewolf zombie.
442
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,132
That's a badass,
unkillable creature.
443
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,500
He's right. Chain the door.
444
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,902
Wait a second. You think
chaining the door
445
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,271
Is gonna stop
a zombie werewolf?
446
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,907
I'll tell you what,
I'm not gonna be the guy
447
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,475
Who gets killed by
a zombie werewolf
448
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,677
'cause I didn't chain the door.
449
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:30,782
(laughs)
hey...
450
00:17:30,784 --> 00:17:32,350
Thanks for coming with me, guys.
451
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,785
And I'm not just saying that
452
00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,520
'cause I can use you
as human shields
453
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,488
When the zombie werewolf
breaks in the door.
454
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:40,124
Yeah, I'm really
glad we came, too.
455
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,193
And about almost
killing you guys
456
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,129
In the car earlier--
that's my bad.
457
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,497
Yeah, well, I am glad
458
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,866
That cracker barrel
had underwear.
459
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,770
And these "I heart denver"
sweatpants.
460
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,240
You know, this is still better
than that family trip
461
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,775
I took to utah
as a kid.
462
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,477
My dad was trying
to convince my mom
463
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,079
To add another wife
to the family.
464
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,513
Started the trip
with one wife,
465
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,348
Tried to get two,
came home with zero.
466
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:09,153
Hotel had
a great pool, though.
467
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:11,122
At least you knew
your dad.
468
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,091
I barely knew charlie.
469
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:16,327
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
470
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,497
It said, "are your
friends 18 yet?"
471
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,633
Yeah, hearing you guys talk
about your dads,
472
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,302
And thinking about mine,
473
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,970
Makes me question even wanting
to have kids.
474
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:27,972
You already have kids.
475
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,173
(walden laughs)
476
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:30,942
Papa.
477
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,511
Come on. I'm not your dad.
478
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:37,582
You've been a better dad
to me than anybody ever has.
479
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:39,784
You-you-you took me in,
480
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,488
You inspired me to be
a better person.
481
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,691
You pushed me to be
a dead junkie.
482
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,927
I really want that for you, too.
483
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,863
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
484
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:53,231
I mean, you believe that
485
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,032
I can make something
out of myself
486
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,834
And you stopped me
from going to prison
487
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,469
For teaching my son
how to masturbate.
488
00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:02,540
That's right.
You want to be a hands-on dad,
489
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,709
But not too hands-on.
490
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,880
Hey, bring it in, kiddos.
491
00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:11,682
Oh!
Aw...
492
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,551
(laughs)
493
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,786
Oh, dad?
Hmm?
494
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,089
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
495
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:20,591
It's not my hand.
Okay.
496
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,093
All right.
497
00:19:22,095 --> 00:19:24,529
♪ men. ♪
498
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,597
(doorbell rings)
499
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,934
Hey, gretchie.
500
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,903
I don't want to talk
to you right now.
501
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:34,038
Gretchen's still mad at you,
but I'm on your side, jeff.
502
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,074
Bros before hoes.
503
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:39,744
Oh, uh, oh, good, you're,
uh, you're all here.
504
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,547
Because I have something
to say...
505
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,915
To everyone.
506
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:45,449
Are you sure, jeff?
507
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:48,119
Some things
are better left unsaid.
508
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,255
I love you so much,
509
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,624
I-I can't imagine
my life without you.
510
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:54,892
Just stop.
511
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,827
Maybe this will help.
512
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,396
Okay, I appreciate the gesture,
513
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,432
But looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
514
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:05,770
The only change I want is
for us to be husband and wife.
515
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,638
All:
What?!
516
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,441
Gretchen martin,
will you do me the honor
517
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:15,179
Of becoming mrs. Alan harper?
518
00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:19,784
Oh, my god!
My sister and my best...
519
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,086
Wait a minute.
Who the hell is alan harper?
520
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:24,622
Larry, look, boobs!
521
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,557
♪ men. ♪
522
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:30,962
♪ men. ♪
523
00:20:30,964 --> 00:20:32,496
Oh, look at you.
You're doing great.
524
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:34,031
You haven't hit
a guardrail in miles.
525
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:36,000
Once you get
the hang of it,
526
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:37,501
This driving thing
isn't so tough.
527
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:40,538
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
528
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,373
What? You love this car.
529
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,208
I've gotten what
I need out of it,
530
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,444
And I'd rather have it
stay in the family.
531
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,279
Who better to have it
than my my...
532
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,447
Sort-of-daughter.
533
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:52,350
Aw! You're the best
sort-of-dad ever!
534
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,851
Whoa! Hands on the wheel!
535
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:56,354
Hands on the wheel!
(tires squealing)
536
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,022
Whoa!
Why are you
yelling at me?
537
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,323
You should be
yelling at them
538
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:00,625
For driving on
the wrong side...
539
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:03,694
(all scream)