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00:00:00,655 --> 00:00:02,166
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
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00:00:02,191 --> 00:00:03,716
Larry, where can I
put this poop?
3
00:00:03,848 --> 00:00:05,748
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
4
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:07,300
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
5
00:00:07,302 --> 00:00:09,519
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.
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00:00:09,521 --> 00:00:11,354
You want to...
come inside?
7
00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:13,806
That's what she said!
That's what she said!
8
00:00:14,692 --> 00:00:15,925
No, I really like Gretchen.
9
00:00:15,927 --> 00:00:17,443
I can't do this.
10
00:00:17,445 --> 00:00:19,562
Jeff Strongman can't.
11
00:00:19,564 --> 00:00:20,897
But Alan Harper can.
12
00:00:20,899 --> 00:00:22,115
Works for me.
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00:00:24,985 --> 00:00:26,319
♪ Men ♪
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00:00:26,321 --> 00:00:27,487
(computer dings)
15
00:00:27,489 --> 00:00:29,022
Oh, ho, ho, boy.
16
00:00:29,024 --> 00:00:30,156
What?
17
00:00:30,158 --> 00:00:32,241
Just got an interesting e-mail.
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00:00:32,243 --> 00:00:34,210
If it says, "Local horny
housewives looking for action,"
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00:00:34,212 --> 00:00:35,545
it's a lie.
20
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,500
It should say, "Local police
entrapping confused citizens."
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00:00:40,502 --> 00:00:42,752
It's an Evite from Kate.
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00:00:42,754 --> 00:00:45,171
She's opening a boutique in LA.
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00:00:45,173 --> 00:00:46,272
Who's Kate?
24
00:00:46,274 --> 00:00:47,590
Eh, it's a long story.
25
00:00:47,592 --> 00:00:49,509
It's not that long.
26
00:00:49,511 --> 00:00:52,095
Kate was the great love
of Walden's life
27
00:00:52,097 --> 00:00:53,596
who he met
by pretending he was poor.
28
00:00:53,598 --> 00:00:54,981
But by the time
he told her the truth,
29
00:00:54,983 --> 00:00:56,432
she'd become a successful
clothing designer
30
00:00:56,434 --> 00:00:57,567
and moved to China.
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00:00:57,569 --> 00:00:59,152
At first they e-mailed
frequently but...
32
00:00:59,154 --> 00:01:01,437
you know,
it tapered off over time.
33
00:01:01,439 --> 00:01:03,523
Now he just uses
Google Earth to try to look
34
00:01:03,525 --> 00:01:05,408
in her bedroom window, but
the image hasn't refreshed
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00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,810
in months, so he just stares
for hours at this picture
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00:01:07,812 --> 00:01:10,980
of this Hong Kong cab driver
named Bai Ling, it's...
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00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,684
I never told you any of that.
38
00:01:14,686 --> 00:01:16,152
Well, it's kind of
my job to know
39
00:01:16,154 --> 00:01:17,537
the ins and outs of your life.
40
00:01:17,539 --> 00:01:19,105
No, it's not.
41
00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:20,340
Look, if you don't
want me know this stuff,
42
00:01:20,342 --> 00:01:21,708
come up with
a harder password than
43
00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:24,677
"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar
symbol-big-C-little-K."
44
00:01:25,829 --> 00:01:29,349
Look, she-she says,
"I hope to see ya."
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00:01:29,351 --> 00:01:30,950
That's good, right?
46
00:01:30,952 --> 00:01:33,886
Is it "ya," Y-A,
47
00:01:33,888 --> 00:01:35,822
or "you," Y-O-U?
48
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:37,907
"Ya." Y-A.
49
00:01:37,909 --> 00:01:39,375
Ehh.
Mm.
50
00:01:39,377 --> 00:01:41,110
Why ehh?
She hopes I can make it.
51
00:01:41,112 --> 00:01:43,396
I say "ya" when I want
to blow somebody off.
52
00:01:43,398 --> 00:01:44,447
See ya.
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00:01:44,449 --> 00:01:46,015
Call ya.
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00:01:46,017 --> 00:01:48,067
I have "chlamydi-ya."
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00:01:49,203 --> 00:01:50,486
She's right.
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00:01:50,488 --> 00:01:52,354
Get out of here, "ya freak."
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00:01:52,356 --> 00:01:55,158
Never done this before,
have "ya"?
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00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,960
I'm your cousin,
what's wrong with...
59
00:01:57,962 --> 00:02:00,213
"ya"?
60
00:02:00,215 --> 00:02:02,632
It doesn't matter
whether it's you or ya.
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00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:04,834
The important thing
is she wants me to go.
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00:02:04,836 --> 00:02:06,085
On the other hand,
63
00:02:06,087 --> 00:02:07,703
it could be a mass e-mail.
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00:02:07,705 --> 00:02:10,173
I'd hate to show up
and have her talking to some guy
65
00:02:10,175 --> 00:02:12,091
named Jacques or Filippo.
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00:02:12,093 --> 00:02:14,077
Okay, those names
are awesome.
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00:02:14,079 --> 00:02:16,596
Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.
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00:02:16,598 --> 00:02:19,982
I live with my mother but it's-a
not weird 'cause I'm Italian.
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00:02:21,185 --> 00:02:22,151
Maybe I'm wrong.
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00:02:22,153 --> 00:02:23,519
Just go and see.
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00:02:23,521 --> 00:02:24,654
And Filippo...
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00:02:24,656 --> 00:02:26,406
your fly's open.
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00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:29,242
Scusi.
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00:02:30,794 --> 00:02:33,162
Hey.
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00:02:33,164 --> 00:02:34,447
Is that your stuff?
76
00:02:34,449 --> 00:02:35,348
Is it... h-happening?
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00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:37,083
Are you moving out?
78
00:02:37,085 --> 00:02:38,567
You're cute. I'm not leaving
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00:02:38,569 --> 00:02:40,620
till I'm in a box.
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00:02:41,922 --> 00:02:44,207
No, I, uh, I dug out
all our old board games
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00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:45,792
for my couples night with Larry.
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00:02:45,794 --> 00:02:47,844
You know, Monopoly,
Parcheesi, Clue.
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00:02:47,846 --> 00:02:49,912
Wow, first you have sex
with this guy's girlfriend,
84
00:02:49,914 --> 00:02:51,881
now you're having sex
with his sister?
85
00:02:51,883 --> 00:02:55,368
I'm going with Larry, in the
living room, with the lead pipe.
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00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:57,186
Larry actually wants us
to spend more time together
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00:02:57,188 --> 00:02:58,304
now that I'm dating Gretchen.
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00:02:58,306 --> 00:03:01,140
How's Lyndsey
taking you moving on?
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00:03:01,142 --> 00:03:04,426
Pretty well. Uh, last night
she said, "I still want you."
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00:03:04,428 --> 00:03:05,645
(gasps) "You."
"You."
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00:03:05,647 --> 00:03:07,113
I heard him, I heard him.
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00:03:08,282 --> 00:03:10,950
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
93
00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:12,623
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:16,624
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x18 ♪
West Side Story
Original Air Date on April 3, 201
95
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:20,625
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
Uh, it's a movie.
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00:03:22,134 --> 00:03:23,083
West Side Story.
98
00:03:23,085 --> 00:03:24,000
Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.
99
00:03:24,002 --> 00:03:24,884
We have a winner.
(whoops)
100
00:03:24,886 --> 00:03:27,304
How the hell
did you get that?
101
00:03:27,306 --> 00:03:29,748
Oh, you know, fin,
shark, Sharks and Jets,
102
00:03:29,749 --> 00:03:32,283
and I know how my Jeffy
loves his musicals. (laughs)
103
00:03:32,285 --> 00:03:33,985
My favorite musical
is My Fair Lady 'cause
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00:03:33,987 --> 00:03:36,871
it reminds me of my Gretchie.
Aw.
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00:03:36,873 --> 00:03:38,456
I think I'm gonna wretchie.
106
00:03:39,458 --> 00:03:41,459
You guys are tough.
107
00:03:41,461 --> 00:03:43,577
Well, it's like I can read her mind.
I think it.
108
00:03:43,579 --> 00:03:44,595
And I say it.
Well...
109
00:03:44,597 --> 00:03:46,080
Larry and I are the same way.
110
00:03:46,082 --> 00:03:47,932
Watch. It's a movie.
111
00:03:49,685 --> 00:03:51,769
A duck. A beak. A duck.
112
00:03:51,771 --> 00:03:52,854
Flying ducks. Uh...
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00:03:52,856 --> 00:03:54,639
Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.
114
00:03:54,641 --> 00:03:56,441
Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.
115
00:03:56,443 --> 00:03:59,777
Duck, duck, goose.
Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.
116
00:04:00,779 --> 00:04:02,613
Mighty Ducks 2.
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00:04:02,615 --> 00:04:03,948
Mighty Ducks 3.
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It's not a duck.
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00:04:07,102 --> 00:04:09,603
Aflac.
120
00:04:09,605 --> 00:04:11,456
Ben Affleck.
121
00:04:11,458 --> 00:04:12,657
Good Will Hunting.
122
00:04:12,659 --> 00:04:13,774
Hunting ducks.
123
00:04:13,776 --> 00:04:15,827
Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.
124
00:04:17,413 --> 00:04:19,964
It's The Wizard of Oz.
125
00:04:19,966 --> 00:04:22,567
There's no duck
in The Wizard of Oz.
126
00:04:22,569 --> 00:04:24,669
What the duck is wrong with you?
127
00:04:25,838 --> 00:04:27,588
I need a drink.
128
00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:30,558
Uh, anyone else want
a refill? Gretchen?
129
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,126
Why don't you just
read her mind?
130
00:04:32,128 --> 00:04:34,178
Oh, okay, um...
131
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:35,229
Sex on the beach.
132
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:36,898
(laughs)
And not the drink.
133
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:40,651
Looks like my fair lady
is more like my naughty lady.
134
00:04:41,904 --> 00:04:44,138
Can you guess what
I'm thinking, Lyndsey?
135
00:04:44,140 --> 00:04:46,023
Ducks.
136
00:04:46,025 --> 00:04:47,942
Whoa, that is spooky.
137
00:04:47,944 --> 00:04:50,244
♪ Men. ♪
138
00:04:51,697 --> 00:04:53,147
Lyndsey!
139
00:04:53,149 --> 00:04:54,532
Hey, Alan.
140
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:56,167
Let's see if you
can read my mind.
141
00:04:56,169 --> 00:04:59,003
I'll give you a hint:
it rhymes with duck.
142
00:05:00,422 --> 00:05:02,990
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
143
00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:05,092
I just came in
for a little dessert.
144
00:05:05,094 --> 00:05:08,963
Okay, uh, well, there's, uh,
there's pie, there's cake,
145
00:05:08,965 --> 00:05:12,099
there's (shudders):
gluten-free cookies.
146
00:05:12,101 --> 00:05:14,135
Hey, Jeff?
147
00:05:15,504 --> 00:05:17,171
Lyndsey?
148
00:05:17,173 --> 00:05:19,190
Hey, hey, how did I get here?
149
00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:20,107
Am I sleepwalking?
150
00:05:20,109 --> 00:05:22,527
Lyndsey?
151
00:05:22,529 --> 00:05:24,111
Thi-This isn't
what it looks like.
152
00:05:24,113 --> 00:05:25,563
It looks like you're cheating.
153
00:05:25,565 --> 00:05:27,648
O-Okay, I-I can explain,
thi-thi... uh...
154
00:05:27,650 --> 00:05:29,784
I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.
155
00:05:31,353 --> 00:05:32,787
You're never gonna fit
in that wedding dress
156
00:05:32,789 --> 00:05:34,572
if you keep cheating
on your diet.
157
00:05:36,291 --> 00:05:37,191
Yes, the-the-the diet.
158
00:05:37,193 --> 00:05:39,377
He's not stupid.
159
00:05:39,379 --> 00:05:41,078
You're right, honey.
I am weak.
160
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,381
I-I... This is all
my fault, Larry.
161
00:05:43,383 --> 00:05:45,299
As best man, it's my job
to make sure that
162
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:47,868
nothing goes into her mouth
that shouldn't be there.
163
00:05:47,870 --> 00:05:50,638
Exactly.
You can't let her blow it.
164
00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:57,311
♪ Men. ♪
165
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,564
Oh, my God.
I'm so nervous.
166
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:00,982
Do I look nervous?
167
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:02,767
I don't want to be
nervous... (hacks)
168
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,937
Dry mouth,
it's... (hacks)
169
00:06:07,322 --> 00:06:10,324
Is that weird? I don't want
to be weird. Am I weird?
170
00:06:13,529 --> 00:06:14,996
There she is.
171
00:06:14,998 --> 00:06:16,414
(hacks)
172
00:06:17,866 --> 00:06:19,066
Hi, handsome.
173
00:06:19,068 --> 00:06:21,035
Hey, bring it in.
(laughs)
174
00:06:21,037 --> 00:06:22,670
Oh, wow!
175
00:06:22,672 --> 00:06:24,789
I-I forgot how
beautiful you are.
176
00:06:24,791 --> 00:06:26,040
That's a lie.
177
00:06:26,042 --> 00:06:27,375
I think about it every day.
178
00:06:27,377 --> 00:06:28,843
You look beautiful, too.
179
00:06:28,845 --> 00:06:30,744
Thank you. I'm using
a new seaweed scrub.
180
00:06:30,746 --> 00:06:33,414
It makes me smell like
dead fish, but I get a glow.
181
00:06:33,416 --> 00:06:34,682
This is Barry and Jenny.
182
00:06:34,684 --> 00:06:37,134
Uh, they're my...
183
00:06:37,136 --> 00:06:38,240
new Alans.
184
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,222
Oh. Hi, it's nice
to meet you.
185
00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:41,439
You, too.
186
00:06:41,441 --> 00:06:42,974
You look different than
your satellite photos.
187
00:06:42,976 --> 00:06:45,726
Whoa, Barry.
Can you hang on one second?
188
00:06:45,728 --> 00:06:47,261
I just have to say good-bye
to this magazine editor.
189
00:06:47,286 --> 00:06:48,313
Uh, yeah, sure.
190
00:06:48,314 --> 00:06:49,330
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
191
00:06:49,332 --> 00:06:50,648
Oh, uh, uh, if you
can't find me,
192
00:06:50,650 --> 00:06:53,117
just follow
the smell of dead fish.
193
00:06:53,119 --> 00:06:54,986
Oh, my God, if I die tonight,
that's gonna be
194
00:06:54,988 --> 00:06:56,904
the last thing
she remembers me saying.
195
00:06:56,906 --> 00:06:58,205
(hacks)
196
00:07:00,542 --> 00:07:02,276
Would you just relax?
197
00:07:02,278 --> 00:07:04,412
She's obviously into you.
I mean,
198
00:07:04,414 --> 00:07:06,881
she looks at you
the way that...
199
00:07:06,883 --> 00:07:08,549
he looks at me.
200
00:07:08,551 --> 00:07:11,252
Like... she wants to eat me?
201
00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:12,970
Exactly.
202
00:07:12,972 --> 00:07:14,722
Barry, when I said,
"bite me,"
203
00:07:14,724 --> 00:07:16,891
it didn't mean
what you think it means.
204
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,627
Just-Just ask her out.
205
00:07:19,629 --> 00:07:21,679
What... And then what?
Then she goes back to China,
206
00:07:21,681 --> 00:07:23,230
and I get left
heartbroken again?
207
00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:24,565
Think about it this way:
208
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:27,018
You can either spend the next
two days hanging out with her
209
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:30,688
or the next two days
hanging out with us.
210
00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:33,407
Kate...?
211
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,742
Come on, Barry.
212
00:07:34,744 --> 00:07:36,661
Let's get drunk
and grope models.
213
00:07:39,698 --> 00:07:40,748
That's nice.
214
00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:42,950
Oh...!
215
00:07:44,252 --> 00:07:46,120
What... Walden? Sorry.
216
00:07:46,122 --> 00:07:49,206
I... (chuckles)
So my date's a little tipsy.
217
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,208
Don't worry, she's not driving.
218
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:55,129
Hey, do you want to go out?
219
00:07:55,131 --> 00:07:57,965
I don't know, for-for
dinner or something?
220
00:07:57,967 --> 00:08:01,686
I mean, no pressure. Just
two old friends catching up.
221
00:08:01,688 --> 00:08:04,188
Yeah.
Two old friends who've...
222
00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:05,957
taken pictures
of each other naked.
223
00:08:05,959 --> 00:08:07,808
I don't know what
you're talking about.
224
00:08:07,810 --> 00:08:10,177
I deleted those photos.
I didn't.
225
00:08:10,179 --> 00:08:11,612
Me neither.
(laughs)
226
00:08:11,614 --> 00:08:15,149
Well, I do want to hear
what's been going on.
227
00:08:15,151 --> 00:08:16,984
I've got so much to tell you.
228
00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:18,352
So let's-let's do it.
229
00:08:18,354 --> 00:08:20,287
Okay. Dinner.
230
00:08:20,289 --> 00:08:22,189
Conversation. No sex.
231
00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:24,709
Get rid of the conversation and
we can pretend we're married.
232
00:08:24,711 --> 00:08:26,860
(laughs)
♪ Men. ♪
233
00:08:26,862 --> 00:08:29,330
Well, thanks again.
This was fun.
234
00:08:29,332 --> 00:08:30,548
I'm gonna walk Jeff out.
235
00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:32,199
Oh, right, you guys
probably want some privacy
236
00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:34,085
so you can play tonsil hockey.
237
00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,254
Seriously, Larry?
238
00:08:37,256 --> 00:08:38,806
What? It's not like we
don't know they're having sex.
239
00:08:38,808 --> 00:08:40,307
Remember the other night
when I was like,
240
00:08:40,309 --> 00:08:42,259
"Wow, they're really
going at it," and you were like,
241
00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:44,178
"Larry," and I was like,
"What?," and you were like
242
00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:46,097
"Focus on me," and I was like,
"Why? I already finished,"
243
00:08:46,099 --> 00:08:48,482
and you were like...
I remember.
244
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:52,486
Why don't I get
the door for you?
245
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,938
Well, uh, once again,
we had a lovely
246
00:08:53,940 --> 00:08:55,940
evening, it was a very nice...
Yeah, yeah, see ya.
247
00:08:58,326 --> 00:09:00,244
Wow. That was
uncomfortable.
248
00:09:00,246 --> 00:09:02,563
I think Lyndsey's
tired of having me around.
249
00:09:02,565 --> 00:09:04,665
I've been living
in the guest room for two weeks.
250
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,400
Doesn't seem so long to me.
251
00:09:06,402 --> 00:09:08,619
Hey, how about tomorrow night,
we go to your place?
252
00:09:08,621 --> 00:09:10,504
Uh, my place?
253
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:13,340
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh, oh, but, uh,
254
00:09:13,342 --> 00:09:15,710
but what about Larry? I mean,
he-he seems to really enjoy
255
00:09:15,712 --> 00:09:17,094
hearing us have sex.
256
00:09:17,096 --> 00:09:20,264
Jeff, do you not want me
to see your place?
257
00:09:20,266 --> 00:09:22,516
I mean, If you're worried about
getting rid of your porn, don't.
258
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:23,968
I love porn.
259
00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:25,970
You're perfect.
260
00:09:25,972 --> 00:09:27,421
Did someone make you in the lab
261
00:09:27,423 --> 00:09:28,939
or were you sent
directly from Heaven?
262
00:09:28,941 --> 00:09:29,890
That's me.
263
00:09:29,892 --> 00:09:31,275
I am a robot angel
264
00:09:31,277 --> 00:09:34,729
who loves masturbating
to pornography.
265
00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:36,697
My place it is.
Tomorrow night.
266
00:09:36,699 --> 00:09:38,733
Great.
267
00:09:38,735 --> 00:09:40,818
I can't wait to see
what your place looks like.
268
00:09:40,820 --> 00:09:42,653
(chuckles)
269
00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:43,988
(door closes)
270
00:09:43,990 --> 00:09:46,957
Neither can I.
271
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:49,994
♪ Men. ♪
272
00:09:49,996 --> 00:09:52,963
Mm! Oh, uh, quick, Barry,
call the police.
273
00:09:52,965 --> 00:09:56,801
A male model is robbing us and
he's already stolen my heart.
274
00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:58,335
What do you want?
275
00:09:58,337 --> 00:10:01,088
My heart back.
276
00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:03,424
Also, uh, Gretchen
is coming over tonight.
277
00:10:03,426 --> 00:10:04,642
Why?
278
00:10:04,644 --> 00:10:08,179
She wants to see
Jeff Strongman's place.
279
00:10:08,181 --> 00:10:11,315
This isn't even
Alan Harper's place.
280
00:10:11,317 --> 00:10:13,484
Ooh, "Alan Harper's Place."
That's a...
281
00:10:13,486 --> 00:10:15,236
That's a good name
for a sitcom.
282
00:10:15,238 --> 00:10:16,687
Alan Harper's Place
283
00:10:16,689 --> 00:10:19,640
is filmed before
a live studio audience.
284
00:10:19,642 --> 00:10:21,742
That's funny. Anyway...
285
00:10:21,744 --> 00:10:24,311
just while she's here,
just call me Jeff.
286
00:10:24,313 --> 00:10:26,997
Or Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg,
you know, whatever.
287
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:28,532
Just have fun with it.
288
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:30,584
Okay, I'm gonna go
on my date now.
289
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,837
And when I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen
290
00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:36,457
or Jeff or J-Dawg
291
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:39,009
or DJ Strongman.
292
00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:40,594
(chuckles)
Word.
293
00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:42,930
Yeah. You know, in fact,
I don't even want to see Alan
294
00:10:42,932 --> 00:10:47,268
or A-Dawg or any of the cast
of Alan Harper'ace.
295
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,020
You know...
296
00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:51,889
if I had a place to sleep here,
297
00:10:51,891 --> 00:10:54,191
my apartment would be free.
298
00:10:54,193 --> 00:10:57,428
You had me at "free."
299
00:10:57,430 --> 00:10:59,697
♪ Men. ♪
300
00:10:59,699 --> 00:11:01,348
So, have you traveled
around China at all?
301
00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:02,733
Did you get to
see the Great Wall?
302
00:11:02,735 --> 00:11:03,734
Yeah, I saw it.
303
00:11:03,736 --> 00:11:04,819
It's a good wall.
304
00:11:04,821 --> 00:11:06,070
It's not great.
305
00:11:06,072 --> 00:11:08,439
I felt the same way
about the Grand Canyon.
306
00:11:08,441 --> 00:11:10,207
More like the Bland Canyon.
307
00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:12,526
(laughs)
I'm glad we came back here.
308
00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:14,411
I thought it was appropriate
to come back to the place
309
00:11:14,413 --> 00:11:15,546
we had our first date.
310
00:11:15,548 --> 00:11:17,131
Yeah, it's very sweet.
311
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:19,032
Of course, that's when I thought
you were poor.
312
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:20,751
Now you're just cheap.
313
00:11:20,753 --> 00:11:23,554
Well, I figured
since we're not having sex,
314
00:11:23,556 --> 00:11:25,723
why bother spending a lot
of money on dinner?
315
00:11:25,725 --> 00:11:28,843
Tonight just kind of
feels right, you know?
316
00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:30,628
Totally. And, honestly,
317
00:11:30,630 --> 00:11:32,680
the no sex thing
isn't weird at all.
318
00:11:32,682 --> 00:11:34,732
I didn't even have
to shave my legs.
319
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,351
I did, but that was more
of a personal choice. (laughs)
320
00:11:37,353 --> 00:11:40,654
It's like friends
with no benefits.
321
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:41,856
Yeah, I actually
kind of prefer it.
322
00:11:41,858 --> 00:11:43,941
I mean, there's no pressure.
No nerves.
323
00:11:43,943 --> 00:11:45,659
No walk of shame.
324
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,244
No massages.
325
00:11:47,246 --> 00:11:49,864
No... hot oil.
326
00:11:49,866 --> 00:11:51,782
No kisses on my neck.
327
00:11:51,784 --> 00:11:55,469
No fingers running
down my spine.
328
00:11:55,471 --> 00:11:57,922
No orgasms.
329
00:11:57,924 --> 00:12:01,508
No idea why we're not
having sex right now.
330
00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:03,544
I'll race you to the car.
I'm right behind you.
331
00:12:03,546 --> 00:12:04,170
♪ Men. ♪
332
00:12:13,174 --> 00:12:15,375
♪ Men. ♪
333
00:12:12,377 --> 00:12:15,245
Oh, God, I've been waiting
a year for this.
334
00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:17,080
It feels so great
to be with you again.
335
00:12:17,082 --> 00:12:19,032
Uh-uh-uh.
That's against the rules.
336
00:12:19,034 --> 00:12:20,250
No feelings.
337
00:12:20,252 --> 00:12:22,218
So you don't want me
to feel this?
338
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:24,170
(gasps)
339
00:12:24,172 --> 00:12:26,172
Apparently,
the rules can be bent.
340
00:12:26,174 --> 00:12:28,341
And straightened.
(chuckles)
341
00:12:28,343 --> 00:12:29,876
(moaning)
342
00:12:29,878 --> 00:12:32,062
(stomach gurgles)
343
00:12:34,649 --> 00:12:36,316
Was that... you or me?
344
00:12:36,318 --> 00:12:38,268
Girls don't make sounds
like that, Walden.
345
00:12:38,270 --> 00:12:40,070
Oh. Mm.
346
00:12:40,072 --> 00:12:43,823
(moaning)
(stomach gurgles)
347
00:12:43,825 --> 00:12:45,825
That was you!
348
00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:49,863
(retching, vomiting)
349
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,402
Did I make it to the toilet?
350
00:12:57,788 --> 00:13:00,757
♪ Men. ♪
351
00:13:03,661 --> 00:13:06,112
Oh, this is
a cute place.
352
00:13:06,114 --> 00:13:08,048
Yeah, it really is cute,
isn't it?
353
00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:10,467
I really like
what I've done with it.
354
00:13:10,469 --> 00:13:11,885
(cat meows)
355
00:13:11,887 --> 00:13:13,586
Oh, and you have
a cat.
356
00:13:13,588 --> 00:13:15,605
Apparently I do.
357
00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:17,423
What's his name?
358
00:13:17,425 --> 00:13:20,060
Uh, his name is... Mister...
359
00:13:20,062 --> 00:13:21,811
Cat.
360
00:13:21,813 --> 00:13:25,648
You are terrible at coming up
with names, Jeff Strongman.
361
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,935
Hey, you didn't tell me
you went to MIT.
362
00:13:28,937 --> 00:13:31,287
Uh, well, you know, I don't like
to brag. (chuckles)
363
00:13:31,289 --> 00:13:32,655
Well, what'd you major in?
364
00:13:32,657 --> 00:13:34,858
Uh... math.
365
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,877
With a-a focus on...
366
00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:39,913
numbers.
367
00:13:39,915 --> 00:13:41,798
I'm terrible at math.
368
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,468
Every time I count to 100,
I keep getting stuck on 69.
369
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:48,621
(chuckles)
Ooh, dirty math jokes.
370
00:13:48,623 --> 00:13:52,559
Let's see how many times
your orgasms multiply.
371
00:13:52,561 --> 00:13:55,061
(giggles)
372
00:13:55,063 --> 00:13:57,313
We really are perfect
for each other.
373
00:13:57,315 --> 00:13:58,765
I know, right?
374
00:13:58,767 --> 00:14:00,633
Can I tell you something?
375
00:14:00,635 --> 00:14:02,235
Yeah, of course, anything.
376
00:14:02,237 --> 00:14:05,305
You are the first man
I have trusted since my divorce.
377
00:14:05,307 --> 00:14:10,160
Well, uh, you know, MIT
stands for "Man I Trust," so...
378
00:14:10,162 --> 00:14:12,779
No, it's...
it's more than that.
379
00:14:12,781 --> 00:14:15,448
My husband was a liar
and a cheater.
380
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:17,784
He was not the man
I thought he was.
381
00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:20,486
Well, you know, some guys
can be real jerks.
382
00:14:20,488 --> 00:14:23,506
Well, thank God
you're not like that, Jeff.
383
00:14:23,508 --> 00:14:26,926
(chuckling):
Yeah. Thank God.
384
00:14:26,928 --> 00:14:29,162
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to bring us down. It just...
385
00:14:29,164 --> 00:14:32,849
feels so good to open up and
let somebody in again, you know?
386
00:14:32,851 --> 00:14:34,601
Aw, well, I'm glad you did.
387
00:14:34,603 --> 00:14:36,469
In fact, I'm not even
gonna make a dirty joke
388
00:14:36,471 --> 00:14:37,775
about you opening up
and letting me in.
389
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,856
Oh!
390
00:14:38,857 --> 00:14:42,475
You care enough about me
to pass up sexy wordplay. (chuckles)
391
00:14:42,477 --> 00:14:45,028
And it was very hard on me.
(chuckles)
392
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:46,529
You said "hard on."
Kiss me.
393
00:14:46,531 --> 00:14:49,015
♪ Men. ♪
394
00:14:49,017 --> 00:14:51,568
(Kate moaning)
395
00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:53,269
How you doing in there?
You okay?
396
00:14:53,271 --> 00:14:55,738
Oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
397
00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:57,557
(moans)
398
00:14:57,559 --> 00:15:00,794
You know, if someone read
a transcript of this date,
399
00:15:00,796 --> 00:15:03,129
it'd sound like
we were having hot sex.
400
00:15:03,131 --> 00:15:06,683
Oh, God,
it's in my hair.
401
00:15:06,685 --> 00:15:10,587
That sounds like we just
finished having hot sex.
402
00:15:10,589 --> 00:15:12,055
(distant shriek)
403
00:15:12,057 --> 00:15:13,723
What was that?
404
00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:17,977
Hold on. I think
Alan just saw a spider again.
405
00:15:18,813 --> 00:15:19,813
What the hell
is going on?
406
00:15:19,815 --> 00:15:21,681
Whoa. Lyndsey.
407
00:15:21,683 --> 00:15:23,716
Barry!
408
00:15:23,718 --> 00:15:25,151
Wait, you two didn't...
409
00:15:25,153 --> 00:15:27,103
Are you kidding? No!
410
00:15:27,105 --> 00:15:29,155
Third base.
411
00:15:29,157 --> 00:15:31,524
I got into bed
to surprise Alan, and...
412
00:15:31,526 --> 00:15:33,693
Scusi.
413
00:15:33,695 --> 00:15:35,028
Where is Alan?
414
00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:36,529
Uh, he's at my place.
415
00:15:36,531 --> 00:15:37,614
What?
What?
416
00:15:37,616 --> 00:15:40,750
(stomach gurgles)
417
00:15:40,752 --> 00:15:42,785
What the hell was that?
418
00:15:42,787 --> 00:15:44,003
Oh, God.
419
00:15:45,873 --> 00:15:47,624
(retching)
420
00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:52,578
So... you ready for a ride
on the Barry-go-round?
421
00:15:54,715 --> 00:15:57,083
♪ Men. ♪
422
00:15:57,085 --> 00:15:59,418
(moans, sniffs)
423
00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:03,973
(grunts) I really regret buying
a wicker wastebasket right now.
424
00:16:05,276 --> 00:16:07,310
Thank you.
425
00:16:07,312 --> 00:16:09,595
I can't help feeling
this is my fault.
426
00:16:09,597 --> 00:16:12,315
Why? Just 'cause you ordered
the squid surprise?
427
00:16:12,317 --> 00:16:14,734
"Try it, Walden,
it won't kill you."
428
00:16:14,736 --> 00:16:16,602
I wish it had.
(laughs)
429
00:16:16,604 --> 00:16:20,707
Only you could make me smile
when I'm this sick.
430
00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:22,659
I really missed you.
431
00:16:22,661 --> 00:16:25,161
I've missed you, too.
432
00:16:25,163 --> 00:16:27,664
Even if this is the way
that we spend the whole time
433
00:16:27,666 --> 00:16:28,831
that you're here...
434
00:16:30,217 --> 00:16:32,618
...I'm just glad
that we're together.
435
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,254
You are so sweet.
436
00:16:34,256 --> 00:16:36,639
Hey, uh, you know
right after you throw up,
437
00:16:36,641 --> 00:16:40,126
how there's that 20-minute
window when you feel better?
438
00:16:40,128 --> 00:16:41,177
Yeah...?
439
00:16:41,179 --> 00:16:42,845
I'm in mine.
440
00:16:42,847 --> 00:16:43,980
So...
441
00:16:43,982 --> 00:16:46,632
if you're in yours...
442
00:16:46,634 --> 00:16:49,652
Then you could put yours
in mine.
443
00:16:49,654 --> 00:16:51,771
Exactly.
444
00:16:51,773 --> 00:16:53,072
(chuckles)
445
00:16:53,074 --> 00:16:54,107
(stomach gurgles)
446
00:16:54,109 --> 00:16:55,474
Uh-oh.
447
00:16:55,476 --> 00:16:56,943
Window's closing!
448
00:16:56,945 --> 00:16:58,778
(stomach gurgling)
449
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:00,947
(moans) Me, too.
450
00:17:01,648 --> 00:17:04,117
♪ Men. ♪
451
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:07,620
Ooh, squid.
452
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:12,208
Shrimp's sexy sister.
453
00:17:15,429 --> 00:17:17,213
Mmm.
(doorbell rings)
454
00:17:17,215 --> 00:17:19,882
Mm.
455
00:17:19,884 --> 00:17:21,718
Mmm, hmm.
456
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,319
Tastes a little odd, but, eh,
457
00:17:23,321 --> 00:17:25,888
Alans can't be choosers.
458
00:17:31,395 --> 00:17:32,612
Oh, hey, Lyndsey, what's up?
459
00:17:32,614 --> 00:17:35,014
Where were you last night?
Last night?
460
00:17:35,016 --> 00:17:36,149
And don't do that thing
where you ask questions
461
00:17:36,151 --> 00:17:37,450
while you think of a lie.
462
00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:40,737
That thing where I ask questions
while I think of a lie?
463
00:17:41,739 --> 00:17:43,022
I was with Gretchen.
464
00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:44,857
I see.
Well, I snuck into your room
465
00:17:44,859 --> 00:17:46,025
to give you a little surprise
466
00:17:46,027 --> 00:17:48,878
and molested the kid
sleeping in your bed.
467
00:17:49,947 --> 00:17:51,247
Please tell me he's 18.
468
00:17:51,249 --> 00:17:54,550
Honestly, if you told me
he was anywhere from 12 to 60
469
00:17:54,552 --> 00:17:56,369
I'd believe you.
470
00:17:56,371 --> 00:17:57,887
Okay, fine. L-Let's not
waste time fighting.
471
00:17:57,889 --> 00:18:00,506
I have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.
472
00:18:00,508 --> 00:18:03,509
He's in the park
feeding the frickin' ducks.
473
00:18:03,511 --> 00:18:05,878
Oh. Oh, no, no.
Lyndsey, wait. Um...
474
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,063
What?
475
00:18:07,065 --> 00:18:08,548
I can't do this.
476
00:18:08,550 --> 00:18:10,984
What do you need:
pills, porn or pinky?
477
00:18:10,986 --> 00:18:14,220
No... no, I'm-I'm-I'm not
gonna have-have sex with you.
478
00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:15,855
I-I really like Gretchen.
479
00:18:15,857 --> 00:18:18,024
I'm-I'm not gonna
cheat on her.
480
00:18:18,026 --> 00:18:20,059
Wow.
481
00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:21,894
Okay.
482
00:18:21,896 --> 00:18:23,196
I'm sorry.
483
00:18:25,199 --> 00:18:28,401
So, I-I guess this is good-bye.
484
00:18:28,403 --> 00:18:31,404
Well, I'm still gonna be
the best man at your wedding.
485
00:18:32,289 --> 00:18:34,407
Good-bye, Alan.
486
00:18:35,843 --> 00:18:38,127
Well, well,
look who's back for more.
487
00:18:38,129 --> 00:18:41,647
Get away from me,
ya freak.
488
00:18:41,649 --> 00:18:44,767
Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?
489
00:18:45,469 --> 00:18:47,253
♪ Men. ♪
490
00:18:47,255 --> 00:18:48,271
(sighs)
Well...
491
00:18:48,273 --> 00:18:50,589
this has been horrible.
492
00:18:50,591 --> 00:18:51,991
Yes.
493
00:18:51,993 --> 00:18:54,861
But from now on,
every time you see a toilet,
494
00:18:54,863 --> 00:18:56,696
you'll think of me.
495
00:18:56,698 --> 00:18:58,731
And every time
you hear a woman say
496
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,733
"Hold my hair
out of the puke water,"
497
00:19:00,735 --> 00:19:02,435
you'll think of me.
(chuckles)
498
00:19:02,437 --> 00:19:05,071
So, listen,
499
00:19:05,073 --> 00:19:07,323
next time we see each other,
if we're still single,
500
00:19:07,325 --> 00:19:11,377
we'll forget all the rules
and just... bang our brains out.
501
00:19:11,379 --> 00:19:12,628
At the very least,
502
00:19:12,630 --> 00:19:14,797
I'll get an air mattress
for the bathroom floor.
503
00:19:14,799 --> 00:19:16,632
(chuckles)
Agreed.
504
00:19:17,751 --> 00:19:19,335
Let's not make a big deal
of this.
505
00:19:19,337 --> 00:19:22,088
Let's just... kiss
and say good-bye.
506
00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:28,261
Bye.
Bye.
507
00:19:32,066 --> 00:19:35,234
BERTA:
Sorry about that.
508
00:19:36,803 --> 00:19:38,304
Thanks.
509
00:19:38,306 --> 00:19:40,606
By the way, I saw your bathroom.
510
00:19:40,608 --> 00:19:41,974
I quit.
511
00:19:41,976 --> 00:19:44,494
(knocking on door)
512
00:19:46,182 --> 00:19:47,265
Screw China.
513
00:19:47,949 --> 00:19:49,282
Let's do it right now.
514
00:19:49,284 --> 00:19:51,084
Oh, wow.
515
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:53,035
You're lighter
than I remember.
516
00:19:53,037 --> 00:19:55,671
I'm not lighter,
I'm just empty.
517
00:19:55,673 --> 00:19:58,591
(whoops, chuckles)
518
00:19:58,593 --> 00:20:01,461
Puking all night
and screwing all day.
519
00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:03,629
It's like Charlie never left.
520
00:20:01,631 --> 00:20:04,966
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:10,456 --> 00:20:11,506
♪ Men. ♪
522
00:20:11,508 --> 00:20:12,991
(cat screeching)
Ow, ow!
523
00:20:12,993 --> 00:20:14,509
(cat yowling)
D-Down, Mr. Cat.
524
00:20:14,511 --> 00:20:17,495
Down! Down!
525
00:20:18,264 --> 00:20:19,631
I really love that little guy.
526
00:20:19,633 --> 00:20:21,850
You want some breakfast?
527
00:20:21,852 --> 00:20:24,936
Uh, sure, if it comes
with a side order of Gretchen.
528
00:20:24,938 --> 00:20:26,855
You can serve me over easy.
529
00:20:26,857 --> 00:20:29,274
And you can serve me sunny-side
all up in your bid-ness.
530
00:20:29,276 --> 00:20:30,442
(chuckles)
531
00:20:33,446 --> 00:20:35,730
Oh. Hey.
532
00:20:35,732 --> 00:20:37,899
Who the hell are you?
No, it-it's okay, it's okay.
533
00:20:37,901 --> 00:20:39,067
This is my...
534
00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:41,620
...son.
535
00:20:42,321 --> 00:20:43,955
Jimmy.
536
00:20:43,957 --> 00:20:46,408
Jimmy Strongman.
537
00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:50,028
It's Jim, Dad.
I'm not a little kid anymore.
538
00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:51,997
(stomach grumbles)
539
00:20:51,999 --> 00:20:53,798
Oh, God.
540
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:54,883
What was that?
541
00:20:54,885 --> 00:20:57,052
Squid!
542
00:20:59,255 --> 00:21:00,956
Mmm.
543
00:21:00,958 --> 00:21:03,258
My other mom
never dressed like that.
544
00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:05,427
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man