1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:03,983
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:06,037 --> 00:00:08,021
We got to go.
3
00:00:08,122 --> 00:00:09,239
We just got here.
4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,808
Yeah, I know, but I got to go.
5
00:00:12,475 --> 00:00:14,443
The sit-down "go."
6
00:00:14,445 --> 00:00:16,862
No, I am... I am tired
of being a slave
7
00:00:16,864 --> 00:00:18,614
to your fear
of public bathrooms.
8
00:00:18,616 --> 00:00:20,332
Do you know what people do
in there?
9
00:00:20,334 --> 00:00:22,450
They go to the bathroom.
10
00:00:22,452 --> 00:00:25,252
Exactly. It's-It's not the seat
as much as...
11
00:00:25,255 --> 00:00:27,623
the splash.
12
00:00:27,625 --> 00:00:29,790
You have ruined a lot of things
that I enjoy,
13
00:00:29,792 --> 00:00:32,159
and I am not gonna let you
take pooping from me.
14
00:00:32,161 --> 00:00:35,095
Oh, fine, but every time
you use a public bathroom,
15
00:00:35,097 --> 00:00:36,314
you are putting your ass
16
00:00:36,316 --> 00:00:38,767
against every other ass
that has ever been there.
17
00:00:38,768 --> 00:00:40,301
See this guy?
18
00:00:40,303 --> 00:00:42,937
I might as well rub
my naked butt all over his.
19
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And he took pooping from me.
20
00:00:47,944 --> 00:00:50,393
Excuse me. Walden?
21
00:00:50,395 --> 00:00:51,510
Yes?
22
00:00:51,512 --> 00:00:53,512
I-I'm sure
you don't remember me,
23
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but I used to work for you.
24
00:00:55,284 --> 00:00:57,533
Sorry, I don't
remember your name.
25
00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,620
It's Nicole, but you'd always
call me Michelle.
26
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Right! Michelle!
27
00:01:02,857 --> 00:01:04,023
Yeah.
Hey.
28
00:01:04,025 --> 00:01:05,575
How you doing?
I-I haven't seen you
29
00:01:05,577 --> 00:01:06,857
around the office in a while.
30
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:09,744
Yeah, I stopped going in
after you fired me.
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Oh. Wow.
32
00:01:11,748 --> 00:01:13,414
That is...
33
00:01:13,416 --> 00:01:15,666
Are you here to kill me?
34
00:01:15,668 --> 00:01:18,585
I'm actually trying to get
a tech start-up off the ground.
35
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Or as my mom calls it,
36
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wasting 20 hours a day
in the garage
37
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and not giving her grandkids.
38
00:01:24,008 --> 00:01:26,010
Let me guess:
You're looking for help.
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With the company,
40
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not the grandkids.
41
00:01:29,264 --> 00:01:30,230
I mean, not that
42
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I wouldn't want to...
with you...
43
00:01:33,601 --> 00:01:35,769
Can you talk now?
44
00:01:35,771 --> 00:01:39,239
I am looking for help...
with the company.
45
00:01:39,241 --> 00:01:41,690
I'll let you know
about the grandkids.
46
00:01:41,692 --> 00:01:43,392
Well, I would love
to hear about it.
47
00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:45,743
Why don't you call my office,
and we'll set something up?
48
00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:51,749
Yeah, when I worked for you,
I was kind of in charge
49
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So you get it.
50
00:01:55,121 --> 00:01:57,237
Look, 15 years ago,
51
00:01:57,239 --> 00:01:59,573
you cornered Bill Gates
in a steam room,
52
00:01:59,575 --> 00:02:01,958
and you pitched him the idea
for Blungogo.com,
53
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,576
and six months later,
you were a billionaire.
54
00:02:04,578 --> 00:02:06,046
Yeah, what you don't know is
55
00:02:06,048 --> 00:02:08,130
that I also got Tased
in the nuts
56
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by a security guard named Randy.
57
00:02:09,852 --> 00:02:13,520
Look, I think
I have a really good idea.
58
00:02:13,522 --> 00:02:16,522
Everything you need
to know is right in here.
59
00:02:17,941 --> 00:02:20,260
Okay. I'll take a look at it.
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00:02:20,262 --> 00:02:21,593
Thank you.
61
00:02:21,595 --> 00:02:24,980
I didn't even have to get
Tased in the lady nuts.
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I still might Tase you later.
63
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Oh, it's not weird.
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We-we know each other.
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I fired her.
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I couldn't do it.
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We got to go. Now. Now!
68
00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:36,573
What?
69
00:02:36,575 --> 00:02:38,043
This is not a drill!
70
00:02:38,045 --> 00:02:40,243
Code brown!
Code brown!
71
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I wonder if I could train him
to go in the yard.
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00:02:47,669 --> 00:02:49,953
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
73
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x11 ♪
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
Original Air Date on January 2, 2014
75
00:02:56,486 --> 00:03:01,485
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
76
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♪ Men. ♪
77
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,773
Wow.
78
00:03:02,775 --> 00:03:04,859
Oh.
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00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:06,894
Yeah, that was fun.
80
00:03:06,896 --> 00:03:08,110
Two thumbs up.
81
00:03:08,112 --> 00:03:09,780
Felt like more than that.
82
00:03:10,647 --> 00:03:15,100
Hey, uh, thanks
for letting me stay over.
83
00:03:15,102 --> 00:03:16,736
Thanks for letting
me stay under.
84
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,623
Mmm.
85
00:03:19,625 --> 00:03:20,790
You know, I've been thinking--
86
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,775
we've been doing this
for a couple of weeks,
87
00:03:22,777 --> 00:03:24,444
and I don't know
that much about you.
88
00:03:24,446 --> 00:03:26,445
Well, you know all
the important things.
89
00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:28,865
My favorite color's pink,
my favorite singer is Pink,
90
00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:30,167
my favorite
body part is...
91
00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:32,334
Okay, fine.
If you don't want to talk,
92
00:03:32,336 --> 00:03:33,669
we don't have to talk.
93
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No, I'm kidding.
94
00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:36,673
Come on, ask me anything.
95
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,623
Tell me about your family.
What's your mom like?
96
00:03:38,625 --> 00:03:40,976
Well, she's very,
very pretty.
97
00:03:40,978 --> 00:03:42,395
Mm-hmm.
Not too bright.
98
00:03:42,397 --> 00:03:44,713
Her boyfriend went
to Harvard Law School,
99
00:03:44,715 --> 00:03:47,466
and then broke up with her,
because he wanted a Jackie,
100
00:03:47,468 --> 00:03:49,401
and she was more
of a Marilyn,
101
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:52,772
so she decided to
study real hard...
102
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:53,938
Hold on a second.
103
00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:55,523
That's the plot
to Legally Blonde.
104
00:03:55,525 --> 00:03:58,493
You saw that, huh?
105
00:03:58,495 --> 00:04:02,496
Uh, all right, I'll-I'll...
I'll tell you the truth.
106
00:04:02,498 --> 00:04:05,250
My mom is a
beautiful prostitute.
107
00:04:05,252 --> 00:04:07,169
Oh.
And my dad,
108
00:04:07,171 --> 00:04:08,352
Richard Gere...
109
00:04:08,354 --> 00:04:10,839
You're unbelievable.
110
00:04:10,841 --> 00:04:13,757
Cut me some slack!
111
00:04:13,759 --> 00:04:16,678
I grew up in a town
that didn't allow dancing!
112
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,881
♪ Men. ♪
113
00:04:19,883 --> 00:04:21,482
Mm. Good morning.
114
00:04:21,484 --> 00:04:23,600
Actually, it's a great morning.
115
00:04:23,602 --> 00:04:26,169
Somebody gave me
a billion-dollar idea.
116
00:04:26,171 --> 00:04:27,770
Oh, you got my e-mail.
117
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:31,774
You know, with my idea.
118
00:04:31,776 --> 00:04:33,894
The app that helps you find
a clean public restroom
119
00:04:33,896 --> 00:04:35,277
anywhere in the world.
120
00:04:36,563 --> 00:04:38,848
I called it "Crapster."
121
00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:41,451
Yeah, as good of an idea
as that is,
122
00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:43,520
and actually, it's not that bad,
123
00:04:43,521 --> 00:04:46,355
I'm talking
about thought-recognition.
124
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,574
Thought-control computing.
125
00:04:48,576 --> 00:04:50,192
Imagine you want to send a text,
126
00:04:50,194 --> 00:04:52,294
but, uh, you don't want
to take your phone out.
127
00:04:52,296 --> 00:04:54,529
Or, imagine you want
to change the channel on the TV,
128
00:04:54,531 --> 00:04:55,664
but you don't have a remote.
129
00:04:55,666 --> 00:04:57,082
Imagine
you're in a strange city,
130
00:04:57,084 --> 00:04:58,784
and you can't find
a clean bathroom.
131
00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:01,386
Imagine you're in Italy,
132
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,855
and you have to "arriva-doody."
133
00:05:03,857 --> 00:05:06,626
You know what?
134
00:05:07,393 --> 00:05:08,994
Here is a hundred dollars.
135
00:05:08,996 --> 00:05:10,796
I just bought your idea.
136
00:05:10,798 --> 00:05:12,864
Now, stop talking about it.
137
00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:17,886
Deal. Looks like I am getting
that filling after all.
138
00:05:17,888 --> 00:05:20,037
Morning.
Good morning.
139
00:05:20,039 --> 00:05:21,438
Oh, hey, morning.
140
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,940
What are you guys up to today?
141
00:05:22,942 --> 00:05:25,074
I don't know.
Maybe we'll go to a bar
142
00:05:25,076 --> 00:05:26,327
and let guys buy us drinks
143
00:05:26,329 --> 00:05:28,246
if we're willing
to make out with each other.
144
00:05:28,248 --> 00:05:29,598
Wait.
145
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,698
Is-is that a thing?
146
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,950
You and I should run that scam
with girls.
147
00:05:36,387 --> 00:05:37,537
Hey, I've got an idea.
148
00:05:37,539 --> 00:05:39,239
Let's go for a hike
in the canyon.
149
00:05:39,241 --> 00:05:41,674
I'd rather stay home
and yodel in your canyon.
150
00:05:43,211 --> 00:05:45,846
♪ Yodel-ay-hee hoo-ha!
151
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,550
Come on, let's get
some fresh air, hang out.
152
00:05:50,552 --> 00:05:51,751
Just the two of us.
153
00:05:51,753 --> 00:05:55,221
Uh, yeah. Yeah, why not?
Sounds great.
154
00:05:55,223 --> 00:05:57,103
Do you guys want to join us?
155
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,942
Sure.
156
00:05:58,944 --> 00:06:01,529
You can never have
too much wood in the forest.
157
00:06:01,531 --> 00:06:02,961
I can't. I'm busy.
158
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,363
Always busy.
159
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:07,066
I can't remember the last time
this one took me anywhere.
160
00:06:07,068 --> 00:06:10,036
Hey, uh, Jenny,
161
00:06:10,038 --> 00:06:11,203
here's a hundred dollars.
162
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,538
Lose him in the forest.
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00:06:14,924 --> 00:06:18,126
♪ Men. ♪
164
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,211
Yes?
165
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,112
Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole.
166
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,147
Are you my new dad?
167
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:24,650
Excuse me?
168
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,518
It's a joke.
Try to keep up.
169
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,819
Who are you?
170
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,620
I'm Walden Schmidt.
171
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:33,507
Holy Schmidt!
172
00:06:37,312 --> 00:06:38,679
Oh, my God.
173
00:06:38,681 --> 00:06:40,965
Mr. Schmidt,
it is such an honor to meet you.
174
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,233
I have a poster of you.
175
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,633
A poster?
176
00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:44,935
Yeah, yeah, check it out.
177
00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:46,653
I made it in college.
178
00:06:46,655 --> 00:06:49,907
Wow. It's, uh...
179
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,076
Wow.
180
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,310
I cut and pasted Laura Dern's
hair onto your face.
181
00:06:54,312 --> 00:06:55,812
It's pretty breathtaking, right?
182
00:06:55,814 --> 00:06:58,649
I'm sorry... uh, who are you?
183
00:06:58,651 --> 00:06:59,984
Oh, uh, I-I'm Barry.
Barry Foster.
184
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:02,752
But you can call me "BF,"
as in your biggest fan.
185
00:07:04,039 --> 00:07:05,171
Walden!
186
00:07:05,173 --> 00:07:07,173
Nicole, hi.
187
00:07:07,175 --> 00:07:08,675
I read your proposal.
188
00:07:08,677 --> 00:07:10,542
I'm interested.
189
00:07:10,544 --> 00:07:11,844
Really?
190
00:07:11,846 --> 00:07:13,965
This is amazing.
191
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,298
This is amazing.
192
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,133
Oh, my fan fiction's come true.
193
00:07:17,135 --> 00:07:18,768
Barry,
194
00:07:18,770 --> 00:07:19,835
we talked about this.
195
00:07:19,837 --> 00:07:22,021
Right, right.
Boundaries.
196
00:07:23,890 --> 00:07:26,008
All right, here's-here's
what I'm prepared to do.
197
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,112
In return for 51%
of your company,
198
00:07:30,114 --> 00:07:34,616
and him never
hugging me again,
199
00:07:34,618 --> 00:07:36,851
I will back
your project.
200
00:07:36,853 --> 00:07:38,454
I don't think I can do that.
201
00:07:38,456 --> 00:07:40,372
Neither do I.
202
00:07:40,374 --> 00:07:40,955
Barry!
203
00:07:40,957 --> 00:07:42,658
Okay.
204
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:44,410
Look, I can't give up control.
205
00:07:44,412 --> 00:07:46,461
This company is my baby.
206
00:07:46,463 --> 00:07:49,381
But I will sell you
a minority share
207
00:07:49,383 --> 00:07:51,749
if you agree to work
as my product engineer.
208
00:07:51,751 --> 00:07:53,467
Oh, product engineer?
209
00:07:53,469 --> 00:07:55,503
I mean, do I look like Barry?
210
00:07:55,505 --> 00:07:56,838
No offense, Barry.
211
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,057
Did you hear that?
He knows my name.
212
00:07:59,059 --> 00:08:01,926
I'm sorry, that's all
I can offer you.
213
00:08:01,928 --> 00:08:03,261
Well, then it's a pass.
214
00:08:03,263 --> 00:08:04,928
All right, thanks
for stopping by.
215
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,764
No, no, no, come on, this
isn't how the story ends.
216
00:08:07,766 --> 00:08:09,883
Hold on. Th...
217
00:08:09,885 --> 00:08:12,568
That's it?
No negotiating?
218
00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:13,937
You heard my offer.
219
00:08:13,939 --> 00:08:15,689
There's also a
supplemental offer--
220
00:08:15,691 --> 00:08:17,823
uh, best friends for life.
221
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,361
All right, wait.
All right, fine. I...
222
00:08:21,363 --> 00:08:23,563
I will... work for you,
223
00:08:23,565 --> 00:08:26,198
but I still need
a majority position.
224
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,417
Good-bye, Mr. Schmidt.
225
00:08:27,418 --> 00:08:31,088
What are you, like, some
kind of evil Bond villain?
226
00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:33,072
All right... all right,
all right, fine!
227
00:08:33,074 --> 00:08:35,092
Deal.
228
00:08:36,294 --> 00:08:39,096
I'll... be your number two.
229
00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:40,762
Well...
230
00:08:40,765 --> 00:08:43,749
it'd actually be
number three, but...
231
00:08:45,102 --> 00:08:46,686
♪ Men. ♪
232
00:08:46,688 --> 00:08:48,186
Oh, thank God.
233
00:08:49,390 --> 00:08:50,689
I'm coming, Charlie.
234
00:08:50,691 --> 00:08:53,926
I hope you have a guest room
in heaven.
235
00:08:53,928 --> 00:08:55,276
You shouldn't
feel so bad.
236
00:08:55,278 --> 00:08:58,030
He's in pretty good shape
for a guy in his 60's.
237
00:08:58,032 --> 00:08:59,764
He's 45.
238
00:08:59,766 --> 00:09:01,098
Whoa.
239
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,785
I'll be right back.
240
00:09:03,787 --> 00:09:06,705
Ah... uh... do you mind?
241
00:09:06,707 --> 00:09:08,207
Actually...
242
00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:10,958
Aah! It burns!
It burns!
243
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,379
That's because it's vodka.
244
00:09:13,381 --> 00:09:15,379
Who brings vodka on a hike?
245
00:09:15,381 --> 00:09:17,631
Someone who thinks
hikes should be fun.
246
00:09:17,633 --> 00:09:20,635
Okay, that's it,
I'm packing it in.
247
00:09:20,637 --> 00:09:22,053
I think I saw a mom with a
stroller.
248
00:09:22,055 --> 00:09:23,337
I'm gonna hitch a ride
back downhill.
249
00:09:23,339 --> 00:09:25,089
No, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
250
00:09:25,091 --> 00:09:26,623
Don't leave me alone
with Brooke.
251
00:09:26,625 --> 00:09:29,259
What? Why not?
She's great.
252
00:09:29,261 --> 00:09:30,677
Well, here's the thing.
253
00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,464
She's-she's...
she's always trying to...
254
00:09:33,466 --> 00:09:35,682
get to know me.
255
00:09:35,684 --> 00:09:37,683
That bitch.
256
00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:40,070
She's always asking me
these-these personal things.
257
00:09:40,072 --> 00:09:41,521
You know?
258
00:09:41,523 --> 00:09:43,741
"What are your dreams?"
"What was your childhood like?"
259
00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:45,159
"What's your last name?"
260
00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:46,943
You are just like your dad.
261
00:09:46,945 --> 00:09:48,411
He'd never open up to anybody
262
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,114
'cause he was afraid
of rejection,
263
00:09:50,116 --> 00:09:51,914
so he'd reject them first.
264
00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:54,034
I don't want to
reject Brooke.
265
00:09:54,036 --> 00:09:55,701
So, let her in.
266
00:09:55,703 --> 00:09:58,170
If you don't take a chance,
you haven't got one.
267
00:09:58,172 --> 00:09:59,872
Do you think I really believed
268
00:09:59,874 --> 00:10:01,840
that a complete stranger
would let me live
269
00:10:01,842 --> 00:10:03,676
in his Malibu beach house
forever?
270
00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:06,461
No. But I took a chance,
and it paid off.
271
00:10:06,463 --> 00:10:09,014
♪ Men. ♪
272
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:12,351
Everybody get up,
everybody get up...
273
00:10:12,353 --> 00:10:14,552
♪ Hey, hey, hey
274
00:10:14,554 --> 00:10:16,689
♪ Hey, hey, hey
275
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:18,223
♪ Hey, hey, hey...
276
00:10:18,225 --> 00:10:20,524
Hey, hey, hey!
277
00:10:21,444 --> 00:10:22,560
Oh, sorry.
278
00:10:22,562 --> 00:10:23,812
Sometimes
when I'm writing code,
279
00:10:23,814 --> 00:10:26,030
I get kind of lost
in my dope jams.
280
00:10:26,032 --> 00:10:28,515
Well, if you're gonna play
music, just play it out loud.
281
00:10:28,517 --> 00:10:30,117
You got it, number three.
282
00:10:30,119 --> 00:10:31,569
♪ Talk about getting blasted
283
00:10:31,571 --> 00:10:34,355
♪ I hate these blurred lines
284
00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:36,156
♪ I know you want it
285
00:10:36,158 --> 00:10:37,625
♪ I know you want it
286
00:10:37,627 --> 00:10:40,411
♪ I know you want it,
but you're ♪
287
00:10:40,413 --> 00:10:42,046
♪ A good girl
288
00:10:42,048 --> 00:10:44,665
♪ The way you grab me
289
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:46,366
♪ Talkin' 'bout gettin' nasty ♪
290
00:10:46,368 --> 00:10:47,967
♪ Go ahead, get at me
291
00:10:47,969 --> 00:10:48,885
♪ Everybody get up
292
00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:50,503
♪ What do they make dreams for
293
00:10:50,505 --> 00:10:52,089
♪ When you got them jeans on
294
00:10:52,091 --> 00:10:54,089
♪ What do we need steam for
295
00:10:54,091 --> 00:10:55,542
♪ You the hottest bitch
296
00:10:55,544 --> 00:10:57,560
♪ In this place
Hey, hey, hey!
297
00:10:57,562 --> 00:11:00,313
♪ You want to hug me...
298
00:11:03,217 --> 00:11:05,551
It was the new guy's idea.
I was...
299
00:11:05,553 --> 00:11:07,219
What's that, Barry?
I can't hear you
300
00:11:07,221 --> 00:11:09,055
from all the way under this bus.
301
00:11:10,057 --> 00:11:12,575
So, how's the code coming?
302
00:11:12,577 --> 00:11:14,392
Actually, you know,
I had a thought.
303
00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:17,914
Um, if we reconfigure
this kernel,
304
00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:20,282
we're gonna save
a lot of time and money.
305
00:11:20,284 --> 00:11:22,918
Yeah, it's-it's good.
306
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,605
It's just,
uh... eh, it's-it's good.
307
00:11:25,607 --> 00:11:27,340
Wha-What do you think,
Barry?
308
00:11:27,342 --> 00:11:28,924
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
309
00:11:28,926 --> 00:11:31,927
It's-it's good. It's good.
310
00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:34,913
Why do you guys keep talking
with high voices?
311
00:11:34,915 --> 00:11:37,466
Why do you keep saying,
"It's good"?
312
00:11:37,468 --> 00:11:38,933
It is good.
313
00:11:38,935 --> 00:11:40,919
Just, you know, for...
314
00:11:40,921 --> 00:11:42,803
mmm... 2002.
315
00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:43,939
Ouch.
316
00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:45,523
I believe the correct
terminology in 2002
317
00:11:45,525 --> 00:11:47,742
was, "Oh, snap."
318
00:11:47,744 --> 00:11:51,195
Okay. Um...
319
00:11:51,197 --> 00:11:53,697
you know, I've been... I've
been doing this for a...
320
00:11:53,699 --> 00:11:54,899
a really long time,
321
00:11:54,901 --> 00:11:57,268
and I've-I've been
really successful.
322
00:11:57,270 --> 00:12:00,371
I know. We studied you
in school.
323
00:12:00,373 --> 00:12:03,157
Oh, I get it. You guys... you
guys are saying that I'm old?
324
00:12:03,159 --> 00:12:05,309
No.
Yeah.
325
00:12:05,311 --> 00:12:09,280
I thought we were going
a different way.
326
00:12:09,282 --> 00:12:13,300
Look, I respect you
enormously, but...
327
00:12:13,302 --> 00:12:15,168
I got to go with my gut.
328
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,337
Okay. No problem.
329
00:12:17,339 --> 00:12:18,672
You're the boss.
330
00:12:18,674 --> 00:12:19,739
Thank you.
331
00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:21,007
Now, who wants Chinese?
332
00:12:21,009 --> 00:12:23,176
Are you paying?
'Cause I forgot my wallet...
333
00:12:23,178 --> 00:12:24,761
Yes, Barry.
334
00:12:24,763 --> 00:12:27,647
Hey, I got one
just like him at home.
335
00:12:29,566 --> 00:12:31,967
Boy, oh, boy, you could cut
the sexual tension back there
336
00:12:31,969 --> 00:12:33,352
with a knife.
337
00:12:33,354 --> 00:12:34,853
Think she's into me?
338
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,355
No, not you. Me.
339
00:12:36,357 --> 00:12:38,824
Me and her have had this whole
"will they, won't they" thing
340
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,910
going on for some time now.
341
00:12:40,912 --> 00:12:42,494
So it's like a...
342
00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,478
Ross/Rachel thing?
343
00:12:44,479 --> 00:12:45,664
Who?
344
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,366
Are those friends of yours?
345
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,585
Oh, God. I am old.
346
00:12:52,154 --> 00:12:55,039
But with age comes wisdom.
347
00:12:56,377 --> 00:12:58,092
We're gonna do this my way.
348
00:12:58,094 --> 00:12:59,595
What?
349
00:12:59,597 --> 00:13:01,094
Nicole is wrong about the code.
350
00:13:01,096 --> 00:13:03,298
I'm sending you a file.
We're gonna rewrite it.
351
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:04,716
Oh, this is bad.
352
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,384
This is bad.
353
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,685
I'm stuck between my hero
354
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,971
and-and the future mother
of my children.
355
00:13:09,973 --> 00:13:11,555
Come on, Barry.
356
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,776
Don't you want to be
on a poster with me?
357
00:13:14,778 --> 00:13:17,611
Hop on the eagle, man.
Let's soar together.
358
00:13:19,314 --> 00:13:21,348
I don't know. I don't...
I don't know.
359
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,033
You know you want it.
360
00:13:24,319 --> 00:13:26,570
♪ You know you want it
361
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,288
♪ You know
you want it ♪
362
00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:30,123
♪ I'm a good girl
363
00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:32,408
♪ Men. ♪
364
00:13:36,574 --> 00:13:38,005
♪ Men. ♪
Oh, good. You're home.
365
00:13:38,007 --> 00:13:39,254
I need to talk to you.
Oh,
366
00:13:39,256 --> 00:13:40,404
you know, actually, I'm not.
367
00:13:40,406 --> 00:13:42,070
I'm just here
for the essentials.
368
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:45,786
Shower, change of clothes, bag
of performance-enhancing weed.
369
00:13:45,788 --> 00:13:47,402
Th-This won't take long.
370
00:13:47,404 --> 00:13:49,002
Uh, will you look
at this picture?
371
00:13:49,004 --> 00:13:50,901
Let me see.
372
00:13:50,903 --> 00:13:52,900
Was this taken
from the Mars rover?
373
00:13:52,902 --> 00:13:54,065
No, that's my balls.
374
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,914
Dude! What the hell?
375
00:13:57,916 --> 00:14:00,230
They've been burning
ever since I went on that hike.
376
00:14:00,232 --> 00:14:01,779
Maybe somebody's talking
about 'em.
377
00:14:01,781 --> 00:14:04,279
No, I'm serious.
What could it be?
378
00:14:04,281 --> 00:14:06,161
I don't know.
What, like, poison oak?
379
00:14:06,163 --> 00:14:07,560
I did take a leak in the bushes.
380
00:14:07,562 --> 00:14:10,826
And yet you couldn't go
in a coffee shop.
381
00:14:10,828 --> 00:14:12,225
Just look at the picture.
382
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,275
Yeah. Fine.
I can't believe I'm gonna...
383
00:14:14,277 --> 00:14:17,274
zoom in on your balls.
384
00:14:17,276 --> 00:14:19,540
I'm not gonna be able to...
385
00:14:19,542 --> 00:14:21,539
Oh, my God.
386
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:23,737
It's a tick.
387
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:24,887
What?
388
00:14:24,889 --> 00:14:27,269
You got a tick on your junk.
389
00:14:27,271 --> 00:14:29,385
Oh, God!
390
00:14:29,387 --> 00:14:31,567
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
391
00:14:31,569 --> 00:14:32,651
What's with him?
392
00:14:32,653 --> 00:14:34,900
He's got a tick on his 'nads.
393
00:14:34,902 --> 00:14:38,898
Huh. I never thought anything
could live off Zippy.
394
00:14:39,634 --> 00:14:42,097
♪ Men. ♪
395
00:14:44,046 --> 00:14:46,512
I don't see how this is gonna
make us more productive,
396
00:14:46,514 --> 00:14:49,512
but I really don't care.
397
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,810
And that is the beauty of pot.
398
00:14:51,812 --> 00:14:53,875
You got work to do,
you don't care.
399
00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:56,474
You got bills to pay,
you don't care.
400
00:14:56,476 --> 00:14:59,174
You see a picture
of your roommate's gonads...
401
00:14:59,176 --> 00:15:01,472
you care.
402
00:15:03,307 --> 00:15:06,420
But the image is fading.
403
00:15:06,421 --> 00:15:09,035
Yeah, marijuana is excellent.
404
00:15:09,037 --> 00:15:11,668
I don't know why I waited
this long to try it.
405
00:15:11,670 --> 00:15:13,718
Wait a second--
you've never been high before?
406
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,216
I wanted it to be special.
And now I can tell everybody
407
00:15:16,218 --> 00:15:20,198
my first time
was with Walden Schmidt.
408
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,465
Hey, when you tell that story,
409
00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,964
maybe throw in
a few more details.
410
00:15:25,497 --> 00:15:27,962
Hey, aren't you glad
we took a second to relax?
411
00:15:27,964 --> 00:15:29,527
Mmm. Totally.
412
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:33,075
You know, I kind of forgot
the meaning of the word "relax""
413
00:15:33,077 --> 00:15:35,691
Relax, relax, relax.
414
00:15:35,693 --> 00:15:37,908
Oh, God. I don't remember
what it means either.
415
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:41,123
I'm losing my words.
416
00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:42,522
No, this is exactly, exactly
417
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:44,621
what the commercials
warned me about.
418
00:15:44,623 --> 00:15:46,239
Barry, calm down.
419
00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:49,353
Just take a deep breath,
close your eyes, count to ten.
420
00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:50,902
All right, I trust you
with my life.
421
00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:52,617
You're my best friend.
422
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,284
One...
423
00:15:55,286 --> 00:15:57,684
two...
424
00:15:57,686 --> 00:16:00,282
Oh, my God, we have ice cream
sandwiches in the freezer.
425
00:16:01,398 --> 00:16:02,865
Hey, man, grab me one!
426
00:16:02,867 --> 00:16:05,179
Mmm, no,
grab me two!
427
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:09,479
I want to make
an ice cream sandwich sandwich.
428
00:16:09,481 --> 00:16:11,527
That is an awesome idea.
429
00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:19,024
Are you staring at me
or am I just really paranoid?
430
00:16:19,026 --> 00:16:21,507
There's nothing
to be paranoid about.
431
00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:25,056
She's on to us. Abort.
I repeat, abort.
432
00:16:25,058 --> 00:16:27,505
I hate you.
433
00:16:28,856 --> 00:16:30,887
You don't.
You like me.
434
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:33,102
You know what. Doesn't matter.
435
00:16:33,104 --> 00:16:37,050
Because I have a policy
about dating people I work with.
436
00:16:37,052 --> 00:16:40,299
Yeah, but it's
your policy, so...
437
00:16:40,301 --> 00:16:42,332
you can break it.
438
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:45,015
You're the boss.
439
00:16:45,017 --> 00:16:47,496
I am, aren't I?
440
00:16:47,498 --> 00:16:51,462
I guess that makes me
the wo-man.
441
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,710
You guys.
442
00:16:55,661 --> 00:16:56,627
I got great news.
443
00:16:56,629 --> 00:16:58,325
Ice cream sandwiches are
in the oven.
444
00:16:58,327 --> 00:16:59,757
They'll be ready in five.
445
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:02,707
♪ Men. ♪
446
00:17:02,709 --> 00:17:04,258
You want a refill?
447
00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:06,289
Uh, no, I-I don't want
to get drunk.
448
00:17:06,291 --> 00:17:08,654
Oh, my God, did I somehow
get you pregnant?
449
00:17:08,656 --> 00:17:10,837
I want to get
to know you better,
450
00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:13,369
and I don't want anything
to get in the way of that.
451
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:16,168
I really like you. Um...
452
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:17,534
That's new for me.
453
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,750
Hey, I feel the exact same way.
454
00:17:19,752 --> 00:17:22,282
I've never felt this vulnerable
with someone.
455
00:17:22,284 --> 00:17:25,165
You know, when it didn't involve
a safe word.
456
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:26,448
So what are we gonna do?
457
00:17:26,450 --> 00:17:28,913
We can start by being honest
with each other.
458
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:32,080
That's horrible.
Hey.
459
00:17:32,082 --> 00:17:34,246
Come on. Let's do this.
460
00:17:34,248 --> 00:17:37,493
Tell me a secret, something
you've never told anyone else.
461
00:17:37,495 --> 00:17:39,642
Something is wrong
with my balls.
462
00:17:41,476 --> 00:17:43,475
Something like that.
463
00:17:43,477 --> 00:17:45,990
I just... I-I had a tick
and I pulled it off
464
00:17:45,992 --> 00:17:47,156
and now they won't stop swelling
465
00:17:47,158 --> 00:17:49,021
and I'm afraid
they're gonna explode.
466
00:17:49,023 --> 00:17:50,988
So why are you telling us?
467
00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:52,771
Because Brooke works in a salon.
468
00:17:52,773 --> 00:17:55,570
She waxes people. Maybe she's
seen something like this before.
469
00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:56,969
All right, l-let's see.
470
00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:58,735
Oh!
471
00:17:58,737 --> 00:18:01,235
Oh...
472
00:18:01,237 --> 00:18:03,566
Boy, if I wasn't gay before...
473
00:18:04,966 --> 00:18:07,065
♪ Men. ♪
474
00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:10,562
Check it out, dude.
475
00:18:14,646 --> 00:18:17,011
Where's your other hand
in that picture?
476
00:18:19,011 --> 00:18:20,242
What the hell?
477
00:18:20,244 --> 00:18:23,225
Three people can't fit
on an eagle.
478
00:18:24,909 --> 00:18:27,424
You-you changed my code.
479
00:18:27,426 --> 00:18:29,339
Yeah. I made it better.
480
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,472
No, you didn't.
We went over this.
481
00:18:31,474 --> 00:18:34,952
Okay. Everybody who's
made a billion dollars
482
00:18:34,954 --> 00:18:37,285
off their software in this room,
raise your hand.
483
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,385
Look at that. It's just me.
Okay.
484
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:45,466
Everyone who owns 51% of
this company, raise their hand.
485
00:18:45,468 --> 00:18:48,831
Look at that. Just me.
486
00:18:49,616 --> 00:18:51,130
Everybody who's still
a little high
487
00:18:51,132 --> 00:18:52,962
and is worried that that's...
488
00:18:52,964 --> 00:18:55,879
never gonna stop,
raise your hand.
489
00:18:57,046 --> 00:18:59,543
Crap. That's just me.
490
00:18:59,545 --> 00:19:01,492
Listen, just go
491
00:19:01,494 --> 00:19:02,458
with me on this.
492
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:04,608
No, I don't work
for you anymore.
493
00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:07,706
Okay, look, I know you think
you know what you're doing.
494
00:19:07,708 --> 00:19:10,573
But, trust me, you don't.
495
00:19:10,575 --> 00:19:14,104
And I know you think
you still work here,
496
00:19:14,106 --> 00:19:17,037
but, trust me, you don't.
497
00:19:18,319 --> 00:19:20,435
You're fired.
498
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:24,933
Oh, snap.
499
00:19:26,117 --> 00:19:28,149
Look, I-I was just trying
to help.
500
00:19:28,151 --> 00:19:31,646
Well, it's gonna take me a day
to undo your "help."
501
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:34,763
A day? Come on.
I can undo this in an hour.
502
00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:39,643
You should just...
you should just go, dude.
503
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,477
Okay.
504
00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:43,193
Fine.
505
00:19:43,195 --> 00:19:44,474
If that's what you want.
506
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:45,608
It is.
507
00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:48,523
Barry, it was an honor
to fly with you.
508
00:19:49,891 --> 00:19:52,755
Honor was all mine.
509
00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:55,588
At ease.
510
00:19:57,521 --> 00:19:59,186
All right.
511
00:19:59,188 --> 00:20:00,602
Oh, uh, one last thing.
512
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:02,518
We're done.
513
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,551
I don't work with you anymore.
514
00:20:03,553 --> 00:20:05,184
That's what
"you're fired" means.
515
00:20:05,186 --> 00:20:08,382
Good. So this isn't
a bad idea anymore.
516
00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,112
Can I be fired, too?
517
00:20:18,845 --> 00:20:20,762
♪ Men. ♪
518
00:20:22,536 --> 00:20:24,953
♪Men. ♪
519
00:20:25,042 --> 00:20:26,570
Okay.
Okay.
520
00:20:26,571 --> 00:20:28,803
Um, I just, uh, want
to point out that,
521
00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:30,850
uh, due
to my engorged testicles,
522
00:20:30,853 --> 00:20:34,093
uh, my penis is not currently
to scale,
523
00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:35,487
so...
524
00:20:35,489 --> 00:20:37,283
Yeah, yeah, here it is.
525
00:20:37,285 --> 00:20:39,267
When you pulled out the tick,
you didn't get all of it
526
00:20:39,269 --> 00:20:41,064
so it got inflamed.
Oh.
527
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:43,449
It's like you're the Hulk,
528
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,236
but only your balls got angry.
529
00:20:47,331 --> 00:20:49,630
You know, this is what
relationships are all about.
530
00:20:49,632 --> 00:20:53,746
Watching your girlfriend pull
a tick out of your uncle's junk.
531
00:20:53,748 --> 00:20:56,432
Aw. I'm your girlfriend?
532
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,850
If it's a boy, name it Walden.
533
00:21:00,852 --> 00:21:05,886
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man