1
00:00:01,268 --> 00:00:02,918
Previously
on Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:02,923 --> 00:00:04,340
There is something I...
3
00:00:04,342 --> 00:00:06,792
probably should've told you
before we slept together.
4
00:00:06,794 --> 00:00:08,260
Oh, God. Husband
or herpes?
5
00:00:08,262 --> 00:00:10,462
For the first 40
years of my life,
6
00:00:10,464 --> 00:00:13,632
I was a man named Paul.
7
00:00:14,851 --> 00:00:17,969
Wow.
(chuckles)
8
00:00:17,971 --> 00:00:20,239
Um...
You don't look...
9
00:00:20,241 --> 00:00:22,474
40.
Oh...
10
00:00:27,831 --> 00:00:30,032
I love Christmas
in Malibu.
11
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I just saw Santa Claus
smoking a joint on the beach.
12
00:00:33,954 --> 00:00:35,170
No, that's just Crazy Don.
13
00:00:35,172 --> 00:00:37,172
He's a homeless guy with a beard
who asks girls
14
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to sit on his lap and try
to find the North Pole.
15
00:00:39,794 --> 00:00:41,993
BERTA:
This came for you.
16
00:00:41,995 --> 00:00:44,096
I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.
17
00:00:44,098 --> 00:00:48,517
He spelled "Malibu"
M-A-L-I-B-O-O.
18
00:00:48,519 --> 00:00:49,501
Oh. No,
19
00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:51,887
actually, it's "Maliboobs."
20
00:00:51,889 --> 00:00:54,473
He put little nipples
on the O's. (laughs)
21
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I just can't get used to
Christmas without him.
22
00:00:57,228 --> 00:00:58,610
It's just
not the same.
23
00:00:58,612 --> 00:01:00,946
Remember how he used to
screw up Christmas carols?
24
00:01:00,948 --> 00:01:02,865
♪ Shark named Harold
25
00:01:02,867 --> 00:01:04,733
ALL:
♪ Could not sing
26
00:01:04,735 --> 00:01:08,821
♪ Let's all go to Burger King ♪
27
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Oh, look. He
sent a note.
28
00:01:12,410 --> 00:01:14,410
Oh. Here we go. Uh...
Oh...
29
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"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I can't be there.
30
00:01:16,697 --> 00:01:18,864
"I am having a lot of fun in Japan.
"In Japan."
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00:01:18,866 --> 00:01:21,216
"Uh, Christmas is
very commercial here.
32
00:01:21,218 --> 00:01:23,585
"Sometimes I think
they don't even remember
33
00:01:23,587 --> 00:01:25,337
"it's Santa's birthday.
34
00:01:26,756 --> 00:01:29,808
I hope you enjoy this little
homemade holiday treat." Oh.
35
00:01:29,810 --> 00:01:31,209
Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.
36
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Mmm.
37
00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:35,647
Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.
Oh!
38
00:01:35,649 --> 00:01:37,266
Oh, man.
39
00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:39,518
Well, at least he tried.
40
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,987
He packed 'em in ice.
(coughs)
41
00:01:41,989 --> 00:01:44,556
Well, it's better than the time
he sent us those Easter eggs.
42
00:01:44,558 --> 00:01:48,694
ALAN: Mmm.
And that poor, poor bunny.
43
00:01:51,915 --> 00:01:53,916
Looks like, uh,
Jenny's Christmas present
44
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got here early.
Mm-hmm.
45
00:01:55,286 --> 00:01:57,119
And from the sounds
of it last night,
46
00:01:57,121 --> 00:02:00,005
it's a Scream My Name Elmo.
JENNY: Hey,
47
00:02:00,007 --> 00:02:01,290
guys, this is Brooke.
48
00:02:01,292 --> 00:02:03,225
Um, Brooke, this
is my uncle Alan,
49
00:02:03,227 --> 00:02:04,793
and this is Walden.
50
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:07,846
Walden runs the
Alan sanctuary.
51
00:02:07,848 --> 00:02:09,080
Hi.
52
00:02:09,082 --> 00:02:10,215
Hi. Nice to meet you.
53
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,050
Where did, uh,
you two meet?
54
00:02:12,052 --> 00:02:13,268
At my work.
55
00:02:13,270 --> 00:02:14,636
Oh, and, uh,
what do you do?
56
00:02:14,638 --> 00:02:15,921
I'm an esthetician.
57
00:02:15,923 --> 00:02:18,423
Ooh, an esthetician.
Very impressive.
58
00:02:18,425 --> 00:02:20,392
You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?
59
00:02:20,394 --> 00:02:22,444
No.
Zero.
60
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:23,946
How do I put this?
61
00:02:23,948 --> 00:02:25,781
Do you guys like
hairless vaginas?
62
00:02:25,783 --> 00:02:27,566
Aw, yeah.
Yeah.
63
00:02:27,568 --> 00:02:29,067
Okay, there you go.
That's what I do.
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00:02:29,069 --> 00:02:32,905
You know, waxing, tweezing,
threading and plucking.
65
00:02:32,907 --> 00:02:35,774
She plucked the hell
out of me last night.
66
00:02:35,776 --> 00:02:39,561
Ooh, and brought a whole
new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."
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00:02:40,663 --> 00:02:42,748
Listen, you want to go
get some breakfast?
68
00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:44,500
Nah, I got to bounce.
Thanks again.
69
00:02:44,502 --> 00:02:45,667
See you.
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00:02:49,121 --> 00:02:51,723
(door shuts)
Did I just get blown off?
71
00:02:51,725 --> 00:02:53,892
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Big-time.
72
00:02:53,894 --> 00:02:55,293
Well, no biggie.
73
00:02:55,295 --> 00:02:58,730
I'll just go back
to plucking myself.
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00:02:59,599 --> 00:03:00,899
I feel bad for her.
75
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Do you remember the first time
you were rejected by a woman?
76
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Yeah. When the maternity
nurse handed me to my mom.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x10 ♪
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!.
Original Air Date on December 12, 2013
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00:03:14,766 --> 00:03:16,866
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*
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(commentator speaking over TV)
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Care for some mulled cider,
mull-lady?
83
00:03:21,313 --> 00:03:23,730
Oh... thanks,
84
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but I can't.
I take hormones,
85
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and the acid in the
cider makes my beard grow.
86
00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:29,269
(groans)
87
00:03:29,271 --> 00:03:30,604
God, you are so lucky.
88
00:03:30,606 --> 00:03:33,473
I wish I could grow a beard.
89
00:03:33,475 --> 00:03:35,509
Oh. Look what else I have,
Hmm?
90
00:03:35,511 --> 00:03:37,494
a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.
91
00:03:37,496 --> 00:03:39,546
Okay, great. Game's
in overtime.
92
00:03:39,548 --> 00:03:41,765
Mwah. Come on!
93
00:03:46,804 --> 00:03:51,341
(groans) I had the craziest day
at the mall today.
94
00:03:51,343 --> 00:03:53,977
You heard me
about the overtime, right?
95
00:03:53,979 --> 00:03:56,313
You heard me
about the mall, right?
96
00:03:56,315 --> 00:03:58,515
Darn it.
(groans)
97
00:04:03,988 --> 00:04:05,789
Is everything okay
down there?
98
00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:08,125
Oh. (chuckles)
My bad.
99
00:04:08,127 --> 00:04:10,244
I got phantom nuts.
100
00:04:11,095 --> 00:04:12,746
Hmm...
101
00:04:12,748 --> 00:04:14,414
You can scratch mine
if you want.
102
00:04:14,416 --> 00:04:16,216
WOMAN:
Hey, Paula,
103
00:04:16,218 --> 00:04:18,201
I'm just...
Oh, sorry.
104
00:04:18,203 --> 00:04:19,536
I didn't realize
you had company.
105
00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:21,538
No, no. Come on in. Uh...
106
00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:23,206
Rachel, this is Alan.
107
00:04:23,208 --> 00:04:24,675
Alan, this is my ex-wife.
108
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Oh. I, uh... I didn't know
you were married.
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Uh, then again, I didn't know
you had a penis, so...
110
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She lost them both
at about the same time.
111
00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:32,716
Nice to meet you, Alan.
112
00:04:32,718 --> 00:04:35,319
Oh. You, too. It's really great
that you guys are still friends.
113
00:04:35,321 --> 00:04:38,155
Yeah. And thankfully
the same shoe size. - Oh.
114
00:04:38,157 --> 00:04:39,990
By the way, those silver
platforms that you lent me
115
00:04:39,992 --> 00:04:41,391
really did a number on my back.
116
00:04:41,393 --> 00:04:42,909
Oh, I'm sorry.
But you're in luck.
117
00:04:42,911 --> 00:04:45,279
Alan here is one of
the top chiropractors
118
00:04:45,281 --> 00:04:48,565
in Los Angeles.
Well, I was named, uh,
119
00:04:48,567 --> 00:04:50,284
one of the "Top Chiropractors
to Watch"
120
00:04:50,286 --> 00:04:52,919
by the Personal Injury Lawyer
Trade Association.
121
00:04:52,921 --> 00:04:54,621
PAULA:
Yeah, he's just
122
00:04:54,623 --> 00:04:56,239
being modest.
Last night,
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he threw my back out.
This morning, fixed it.
124
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Oh...
(chuckles)
125
00:05:02,097 --> 00:05:04,431
Well, maybe I can come
by your office.
126
00:05:04,433 --> 00:05:06,183
Oh, well, uh, I-I
closed my office.
127
00:05:06,185 --> 00:05:08,251
Uh, I'm actually
semi-retired.
128
00:05:08,253 --> 00:05:10,020
Uh, I-I do philanthropic work
129
00:05:10,022 --> 00:05:11,938
out in Malibu with
a billionaire.
130
00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:13,974
We, uh... we run
a sanctuary.
131
00:05:13,976 --> 00:05:15,025
What kind?
132
00:05:15,027 --> 00:05:16,810
Uh, you know,
the homeless,
133
00:05:16,812 --> 00:05:20,397
unemployed middle-aged men,
lesbian alcoholics, the usual.
134
00:05:20,399 --> 00:05:21,931
That's nice.
Mm-hmm.
135
00:05:21,933 --> 00:05:24,618
Well, um, maybe
you'd make a house call
136
00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:25,935
if that's not too weird?
137
00:05:25,937 --> 00:05:28,772
No weirder than
me dating a dude. (chuckles)
138
00:05:31,409 --> 00:05:33,885
Oh. Somebody's been
sneaking the cider.
139
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:34,111
What?
140
00:05:34,112 --> 00:05:37,331
What? Really?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
141
00:05:40,802 --> 00:05:42,502
Hey.
142
00:05:42,504 --> 00:05:44,554
Hey.
143
00:05:46,808 --> 00:05:50,560
Looks like someone's celebrating
the 12 steps of Christmas.
144
00:05:51,429 --> 00:05:53,347
Yeah, well, I've had
a tough morning.
145
00:05:53,349 --> 00:05:55,048
You want to
talk about it?
146
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,466
Let's rap.
147
00:05:57,285 --> 00:06:00,070
"Rap"?
148
00:06:00,072 --> 00:06:03,440
You're like the creepy guidance
counselor I had in high school.
149
00:06:04,609 --> 00:06:06,643
"Tell me all
about your lesbian experiences.
150
00:06:06,645 --> 00:06:09,963
I can't help you
unless I know every detail."
151
00:06:09,965 --> 00:06:12,132
God, I hated her.
152
00:06:13,434 --> 00:06:15,068
She was good in bed, though.
153
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,421
Really? Tell me about it.
154
00:06:17,423 --> 00:06:20,156
I can't help you unless
I know every detail.
155
00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:24,461
Oh, come on. You're
a relationship guy, right?
156
00:06:24,463 --> 00:06:26,263
I don't know. I mean,
I-I do believe
157
00:06:26,265 --> 00:06:28,181
there is someone out
there for everyone.
158
00:06:28,183 --> 00:06:31,134
I'm just terrified that
my someone is Alan.
159
00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:33,220
So... (clears throat)
how do you know
160
00:06:33,222 --> 00:06:36,273
when you want to be
in a relationship?
161
00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:38,108
The first sign is that
you start asking people,
162
00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:41,645
"How do you know when you
want to be in a relationship?"
163
00:06:41,647 --> 00:06:42,913
Oh, God.
164
00:06:42,915 --> 00:06:45,282
Sick of plucking
yourself already?
165
00:06:46,451 --> 00:06:48,785
Is it the, uh, girl
from yesterday?
166
00:06:48,787 --> 00:06:50,787
Yeah.
167
00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:52,873
Brooke.
168
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,658
Why don't you just call her?
169
00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:57,744
No. No. I'm the girl
that gets called.
170
00:06:57,746 --> 00:06:59,746
I don't do the calling.
171
00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:02,999
Oh, my God, she gave you
a fake number.
172
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:07,220
It's possible she lives in the
back of a Mexican restaurant.
173
00:07:07,222 --> 00:07:09,639
Hey, look,
if you really like this girl,
174
00:07:09,641 --> 00:07:12,225
look her up on Facebook
and send her a message.
175
00:07:12,227 --> 00:07:16,179
Oh, or... send her a picture
of your boobs.
176
00:07:16,181 --> 00:07:17,931
That's desperate.
177
00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:20,867
Besides, she already
has a picture of my boobs.
178
00:07:20,869 --> 00:07:24,988
Or the busboy in the back of
the Mexican restaurant has it.
179
00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:27,023
All right, look.
180
00:07:27,025 --> 00:07:29,326
Sometimes in life
181
00:07:29,328 --> 00:07:31,261
you have to take a risk
182
00:07:31,263 --> 00:07:33,313
and put yourself out there.
183
00:07:33,315 --> 00:07:35,064
Sometimes it doesn't work.
184
00:07:35,066 --> 00:07:37,834
But sometimes it does.
185
00:07:37,836 --> 00:07:39,703
And sometimes
186
00:07:39,705 --> 00:07:42,339
it works so well that you
end up proposing to them
187
00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:43,790
and they say no
188
00:07:43,792 --> 00:07:47,627
and all you're left with
is a custom designed ring
189
00:07:47,629 --> 00:07:51,882
that you can't return whose
very existence mocks you.
190
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,852
(exhales)
191
00:07:56,687 --> 00:07:58,288
You want to rap about it?
192
00:07:58,290 --> 00:08:00,457
Shut up!
193
00:08:01,776 --> 00:08:03,877
I will have this set up
in a sec.
194
00:08:04,979 --> 00:08:07,263
(loud cracking)
Oh! My back.
195
00:08:07,265 --> 00:08:08,815
Oh, my God, are you okay?
196
00:08:08,817 --> 00:08:10,484
(cracking)
(chuckles)
197
00:08:10,486 --> 00:08:12,369
Little chiropractor humor.
198
00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:14,821
I call it "cracking you up."
199
00:08:14,823 --> 00:08:17,157
Hop on up.
200
00:08:17,159 --> 00:08:19,659
How long have you and Paula
been dating?
201
00:08:19,661 --> 00:08:20,994
Oh, just a-a couple
of weeks.
202
00:08:20,996 --> 00:08:24,280
You know, still holding hands,
running the water while I pee.
203
00:08:24,282 --> 00:08:26,333
How long were you
and Paul together?
204
00:08:26,335 --> 00:08:27,701
20 years.
205
00:08:27,703 --> 00:08:31,454
Wow. That's pooping
while the other one showers.
206
00:08:31,456 --> 00:08:33,757
Uh, so, uh, Paul's change
207
00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:36,009
must have been
a big adjustment for you.
208
00:08:36,011 --> 00:08:38,178
Oh, I was pretty
angry at first.
209
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,931
When he said he wanted to become
a woman, I grabbed a knife
210
00:08:40,933 --> 00:08:43,800
from the kitchen and offered
to do the surgery myself.
211
00:08:43,802 --> 00:08:44,901
Woop!
(chuckles)
212
00:08:44,903 --> 00:08:46,736
Baggage just stowed for takeoff.
213
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:50,273
Um, at least the two of you are
in a healthy place now.
214
00:08:50,275 --> 00:08:51,808
Oh, it's not easy.
215
00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:54,077
Can you imagine
how annoying it is
216
00:08:54,079 --> 00:08:55,612
that she's a better-looking
woman than I am?
217
00:08:55,614 --> 00:08:57,280
And the boobs, by the way,
218
00:08:57,282 --> 00:08:58,665
exact copies of mine.
219
00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:00,534
Well, I think
you're both very beautiful,
220
00:09:00,536 --> 00:09:03,670
and, uh...
and kudos on the boobs.
221
00:09:03,672 --> 00:09:06,172
Would you mind working
a little lower?
222
00:09:06,174 --> 00:09:07,374
Oh, sure. Let's, uh...
223
00:09:07,376 --> 00:09:09,042
let's narrow it down
to the lumbar region.
224
00:09:09,044 --> 00:09:11,678
Uh, where does it hurt?
Uh, L5? L4?
225
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,046
Lower.
226
00:09:13,048 --> 00:09:15,432
Okay, we're into
the-the sacral region.
227
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:18,501
Uh, that's S2. S3?
228
00:09:18,503 --> 00:09:20,804
A-A little lower.
229
00:09:20,806 --> 00:09:21,888
Okay.
230
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:24,674
Uh, I believe
we are out of the S's
231
00:09:24,676 --> 00:09:27,060
and into the asses.
232
00:09:27,062 --> 00:09:28,612
How does that feel?
233
00:09:28,614 --> 00:09:31,398
Uh, like the tension
has moved out of your back
234
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,516
and into my pants.
235
00:09:33,518 --> 00:09:35,485
I'm sure
this is wildly inappropriate,
236
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:37,687
but I'm very attracted to you.
237
00:09:37,689 --> 00:09:40,290
Well, I'm-I'm flattered.
Uh-uh, it's just that...
238
00:09:40,292 --> 00:09:42,442
I'm dating your ex-husband.
239
00:09:43,895 --> 00:09:46,463
Boy, that was a weird thing
to hear yourself say.
240
00:09:46,465 --> 00:09:48,364
I understand.
241
00:09:48,366 --> 00:09:51,635
Let me know if you
change your mind.
242
00:09:52,553 --> 00:09:55,422
You do realize your hand
is still on my ass.
243
00:09:55,424 --> 00:09:57,324
I do.
244
00:09:57,326 --> 00:09:58,875
Still there.
245
00:09:58,877 --> 00:10:02,028
I'm just glad you don't know
where my other hand is.
246
00:10:05,516 --> 00:10:08,435
Hi. So, I have you down for
247
00:10:08,437 --> 00:10:10,654
the total bro-zilian wax.
248
00:10:10,656 --> 00:10:13,056
Yeah, I wasn't really sure
which one to choose.
249
00:10:13,058 --> 00:10:15,191
It was either that
or the Butt Reynolds.
250
00:10:15,193 --> 00:10:16,743
Wait, don't I know you?
251
00:10:16,745 --> 00:10:18,828
Yeah, I'm Walden.
252
00:10:18,830 --> 00:10:21,581
Hang on. Did you chase me out
of your house the other day
253
00:10:21,583 --> 00:10:24,918
for banging your wife?
'Cause she came on to me.
254
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,337
No, uh, you hooked up
with my friend Jenny.
255
00:10:27,339 --> 00:10:28,738
Uh, we live in Malibu.
256
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:31,407
Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny.
Yeah, she was a lot of fun.
257
00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,126
Oh-oh, God,
does she have herpes?
258
00:10:33,128 --> 00:10:34,377
Is that why you're here?
259
00:10:34,379 --> 00:10:36,963
(chuckles)
No, that is not why I'm here.
260
00:10:36,965 --> 00:10:39,132
Actually, I wanted
to see if you...
261
00:10:39,134 --> 00:10:40,216
Ow!
262
00:10:40,218 --> 00:10:42,636
Oh!
263
00:10:42,638 --> 00:10:43,853
(panting)
264
00:10:43,855 --> 00:10:45,355
Okay. Oh, my God.
265
00:10:45,357 --> 00:10:46,890
How 'bout a little
heads-up next time?
266
00:10:46,892 --> 00:10:47,590
Okay, heads-up.
267
00:10:47,592 --> 00:10:51,594
Hey!
(panting)
268
00:10:51,596 --> 00:10:54,731
So, why are you here?
269
00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:56,232
Uh, well... (laughs)
270
00:10:56,234 --> 00:10:58,702
Well, um, my-my
friend Jenny--
271
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:00,570
she thinks that
you're really cool.
272
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,238
And this is
kind of awkward.
273
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,907
I don't really know
how to say this.
274
00:11:03,909 --> 00:11:05,575
Take her out again!
275
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,327
Yeah, I don't know.
276
00:11:07,329 --> 00:11:09,496
I mean, I like
to keep it casual.
277
00:11:09,498 --> 00:11:10,880
Lesbians get too attached,
278
00:11:10,882 --> 00:11:14,951
and then somebody always
ends up screaming or crying.
279
00:11:14,953 --> 00:11:16,670
(screams, crying)
280
00:11:16,672 --> 00:11:18,471
I get that.
281
00:11:18,473 --> 00:11:20,724
Um, uh, but
here's the thing.
282
00:11:20,726 --> 00:11:21,975
Like,
283
00:11:21,977 --> 00:11:23,459
Jenny's really awesome,
284
00:11:23,461 --> 00:11:25,461
and I think
if you took a chance
285
00:11:25,463 --> 00:11:28,181
to get to know her
that you would really like her.
286
00:11:28,183 --> 00:11:30,066
Yeah? I don't know.
Turn over.
287
00:11:30,068 --> 00:11:31,851
What?
288
00:11:31,853 --> 00:11:33,103
All fours, butt up.
289
00:11:34,071 --> 00:11:36,072
Oh. This...
290
00:11:36,074 --> 00:11:41,077
This reminds me of a horrible
prison nightmare I once had.
291
00:11:43,614 --> 00:11:46,032
You know, I got to say,
if you're willing
292
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:48,451
to go through all
of this for your friend,
293
00:11:48,453 --> 00:11:50,253
she must be all right, huh?
294
00:11:50,255 --> 00:11:51,788
Yeah.
I'll give her a call.
295
00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:54,040
(sighs)
Okay.
296
00:11:54,042 --> 00:11:55,158
This one's gonna hurt.
297
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,993
This one?
298
00:11:56,995 --> 00:11:59,262
(shouting):
Mommy!
299
00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:24,885
(sighs)
300
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:26,086
Whoa.
301
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,257
Some might say
that a guy who does this
302
00:12:30,259 --> 00:12:33,194
out in the open wants
his housekeeper to catch him.
303
00:12:34,663 --> 00:12:36,363
No, I-I... (sighs)
304
00:12:38,316 --> 00:12:41,702
Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.
305
00:12:41,704 --> 00:12:42,920
And Johnson.
306
00:12:42,922 --> 00:12:45,105
(laughs)
307
00:12:48,126 --> 00:12:50,211
Oh.
308
00:12:50,213 --> 00:12:52,563
(laughs)
309
00:12:52,565 --> 00:12:54,331
Hold on.
310
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:56,217
Weren't you the one
that called the house meeting
311
00:12:56,219 --> 00:12:57,718
about no more masturbating
in the kitchen?
312
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,120
No, I... I, uh...
313
00:13:00,122 --> 00:13:02,506
I got groomed.
314
00:13:02,508 --> 00:13:04,008
Actually,
315
00:13:04,010 --> 00:13:06,677
I went down to Brooke's salon...
316
00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:09,213
and asked her if she would
go out with you again.
317
00:13:09,215 --> 00:13:10,564
Are you insane?!
318
00:13:10,566 --> 00:13:12,933
What, you think
I can't get my own dates?
319
00:13:12,935 --> 00:13:14,468
Do I look like a child?
320
00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:17,771
No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.
321
00:13:19,441 --> 00:13:21,575
And thanks to me,
322
00:13:21,577 --> 00:13:23,911
she wants to go out
with you again.
323
00:13:23,913 --> 00:13:25,996
She wants to go out
with me again?
324
00:13:25,998 --> 00:13:27,147
What did she say?
325
00:13:27,149 --> 00:13:29,416
You want to rap about it?
326
00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:34,338
She said that she would call you
in a few days,
327
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:37,424
and that my balls
would stop burning by tomorrow.
328
00:13:37,426 --> 00:13:38,676
Or wait.
329
00:13:38,678 --> 00:13:41,428
Was it that she would call you
tomorrow,
330
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:44,248
and my balls would stop burning
in a few days?
331
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,267
Let me know when she calls.
332
00:13:46,269 --> 00:13:47,484
Okay?
333
00:13:47,486 --> 00:13:50,187
Thank you. Thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
334
00:13:50,189 --> 00:13:53,607
You are welcome
from the bottom of my scrotum.
335
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,611
(panting)
336
00:13:57,613 --> 00:13:58,896
Wow. That was amazing.
337
00:13:58,898 --> 00:14:00,314
(both laugh)
338
00:14:00,316 --> 00:14:01,532
I got to tell you.
339
00:14:01,534 --> 00:14:03,400
The guy who built your hoo-hah
is an artist.
340
00:14:03,402 --> 00:14:04,702
Aw.
341
00:14:04,704 --> 00:14:06,871
He's like van Gogh,
but instead of cutting off ears,
342
00:14:06,873 --> 00:14:08,989
he's cutting off...
well, you know.
343
00:14:08,991 --> 00:14:11,075
(sighing)
344
00:14:11,077 --> 00:14:12,960
Hey.
What?
345
00:14:12,962 --> 00:14:14,795
Can we talk about us?
346
00:14:14,797 --> 00:14:17,081
Oh, God, can't I...
can't I just buy you something?
347
00:14:17,083 --> 00:14:19,216
Well, gifts are
always welcome,
348
00:14:19,218 --> 00:14:23,671
but, uh, I was just wondering
if we were exclusive.
349
00:14:23,673 --> 00:14:25,589
Okay, look, Alan...
350
00:14:25,591 --> 00:14:26,891
(panting)
351
00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:30,060
...I like you, but I always...
I always promised myself
352
00:14:30,062 --> 00:14:33,013
that if I had the courage
to become a real woman,
353
00:14:33,015 --> 00:14:35,015
that that woman...
354
00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:37,050
would be a total slut.
355
00:14:37,052 --> 00:14:39,570
Okay, so-so...
so, just to clarify...
356
00:14:39,572 --> 00:14:40,654
Mm-hmm.
357
00:14:40,656 --> 00:14:43,440
...you... or me are free
358
00:14:43,442 --> 00:14:45,776
to date anybody else,
anybody in the world?
359
00:14:45,778 --> 00:14:47,161
Yes.
360
00:14:47,163 --> 00:14:48,895
Okay, if that's what you want.
361
00:14:48,897 --> 00:14:51,064
(laughs)
362
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,125
Oh, hey, you look great.
363
00:15:01,127 --> 00:15:02,526
No, I don't.
364
00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,428
I've tried on, like,
a hundred outfits.
365
00:15:04,430 --> 00:15:06,597
Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.
366
00:15:06,599 --> 00:15:08,432
There was even a dark moment
367
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:10,851
where I was wearing
one of Alan's polos.
368
00:15:10,853 --> 00:15:12,853
Oh, actually,
they're called "polas."
369
00:15:12,855 --> 00:15:15,589
He buys them at a gas station.
370
00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:17,858
If you look close,
the guy's not playing polo.
371
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,693
It's a gardener riding a donkey.
372
00:15:19,695 --> 00:15:22,379
I'm a nervous wreck.
373
00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:24,365
Oh, come on.
You're going to be fine.
374
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,233
Just be yourself.
Right.
375
00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:29,820
Right. Right,
just be myself.
376
00:15:29,822 --> 00:15:32,089
W.W.J.D.?
377
00:15:32,091 --> 00:15:35,592
What would Jenny drink?
378
00:15:35,594 --> 00:15:38,212
I don't think
that alcohol is the answer.
379
00:15:38,214 --> 00:15:40,947
Well, clearly,
you don't know the question.
380
00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:45,753
On vodka, on soda,
381
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:48,589
on blender, on mixer!
382
00:15:48,591 --> 00:15:51,508
Okay, I'm just gonna go back
to blowing myself.
383
00:15:57,148 --> 00:15:59,633
So, uh, did you ask Santa
for anything special this year?
384
00:15:59,635 --> 00:16:02,636
Oh, just someone
to stuff my stocking.
385
00:16:02,638 --> 00:16:05,105
Oh. Someone's on
the naughty list.
386
00:16:05,107 --> 00:16:08,809
Well, I hope that won't keep me
from getting a nice big package.
387
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:10,828
Oh, don't you worry.
388
00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:13,747
I'm sure Santa's got something
in his sack for you.
389
00:16:13,749 --> 00:16:16,033
Ooh, look
who's on the naughty list now.
390
00:16:16,035 --> 00:16:17,167
(laughs)
391
00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,369
But you have to be careful
392
00:16:18,371 --> 00:16:19,986
about shipping rates
around the holidays.
393
00:16:19,988 --> 00:16:22,706
You could pay extra
for a package that's oversized
394
00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:25,292
or an irregular shape.
395
00:16:26,994 --> 00:16:29,179
Rachel?
396
00:16:29,181 --> 00:16:31,181
Paula?
397
00:16:31,183 --> 00:16:33,333
Alan? What's going on here?
398
00:16:33,335 --> 00:16:35,636
Uh, well, this is a...
an awkward coincidence.
399
00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:38,138
It's not a coincidence.
I come here every Friday night,
400
00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:40,140
and she knows it.
Oh, this is completely innocent.
401
00:16:40,142 --> 00:16:42,609
Oh, please. You're wearing
my screw-me pumps!
402
00:16:42,611 --> 00:16:45,062
That's funny.
Uh, I have a screw-me pump, too.
403
00:16:45,064 --> 00:16:48,365
I only need it
when I'm drinking too much.
404
00:16:49,651 --> 00:16:51,985
All the women in the world,
and you have to pick my ex-wife?
405
00:16:51,987 --> 00:16:54,488
Uh, first of all,
I don't actually get to pick.
406
00:16:54,490 --> 00:16:56,824
I'm more of a
take-what-comes kind of guy.
407
00:16:56,826 --> 00:16:58,859
Besides, you said
we weren't exclusive.
408
00:16:58,861 --> 00:17:00,961
Oh.
Yeah, he can date whoever he wants.
409
00:17:00,963 --> 00:17:03,029
Okay, you only brought him here
to make me jealous.
410
00:17:03,031 --> 00:17:04,381
Oh, please. Don't
flatter yourself.
411
00:17:04,383 --> 00:17:06,700
Okay, let's all...
let's just calm down here.
412
00:17:06,702 --> 00:17:08,635
Hey, I see it now.
413
00:17:08,637 --> 00:17:10,220
You guys do have the same boobs.
414
00:17:14,676 --> 00:17:16,677
Jenny?
415
00:17:16,679 --> 00:17:18,729
Are you okay?
416
00:17:18,731 --> 00:17:20,881
I'll be right there.
417
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:25,519
Can you knock again
so I can find the door?
418
00:17:25,521 --> 00:17:27,020
Okay, I'm coming in.
419
00:17:27,022 --> 00:17:28,572
Hey.
420
00:17:28,574 --> 00:17:29,857
Hey, Walden!
421
00:17:29,859 --> 00:17:31,191
Are you drunk?
422
00:17:31,193 --> 00:17:34,328
No, I only had one drink.
423
00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:36,530
Okay, I went to a lot
of trouble for you,
424
00:17:36,532 --> 00:17:39,032
and you are going
on this date.
425
00:17:39,034 --> 00:17:40,834
Why do you care so much?
426
00:17:40,836 --> 00:17:43,036
Well, I can give you
a bro-zilian reasons why.
427
00:17:43,038 --> 00:17:44,371
Now, come on.
428
00:17:44,373 --> 00:17:47,007
Let's get you sobered up.
Okay, let me just use
429
00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:48,675
the bathroom
real quick.
430
00:17:48,677 --> 00:17:51,428
Jenny?
431
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:53,130
That's not the bathroom.
432
00:17:53,132 --> 00:17:55,299
Too late.
433
00:17:56,417 --> 00:17:57,801
How could you do this to me?
434
00:17:57,803 --> 00:18:00,921
It hurts losing the man of
your dreams, doesn't it?
435
00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:03,023
Please. Alan is not
the man of my dreams.
436
00:18:03,025 --> 00:18:04,558
He's just the only guy
who didn't think
437
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,560
an inside-out wiener
was a deal breaker.
438
00:18:06,562 --> 00:18:10,764
I've also been told
I have nice eyes, but okay.
439
00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:14,034
Well, you were the
man of my dreams.
440
00:18:14,036 --> 00:18:16,102
Don't you see
what's going on here?
441
00:18:16,104 --> 00:18:17,871
You still care for her,
442
00:18:17,873 --> 00:18:19,940
and you're just trying
to make her jealous
443
00:18:19,942 --> 00:18:22,376
by dating a sexy, handsome,
well-endowed man.
444
00:18:23,611 --> 00:18:25,546
I do still have feelings
for you.
445
00:18:25,548 --> 00:18:27,164
And you still have feelings
for her,
446
00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:29,917
despite taking a lover whose
charm and wit is only matched
447
00:18:29,919 --> 00:18:31,919
by his unbridled passion
in the boudoir.
448
00:18:31,921 --> 00:18:34,955
I do miss you.
449
00:18:34,957 --> 00:18:36,757
I miss you, too.
450
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,126
Oh, how nice is this?
451
00:18:40,128 --> 00:18:41,428
You two should kiss.
452
00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:44,464
Come here.
453
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,635
You two are probably gonna want
a picture of this.
454
00:18:53,358 --> 00:18:56,142
Let's get some
coffee in you.
455
00:18:56,144 --> 00:19:01,081
Okay, I'll have
a half-caff Zach Braff.
456
00:19:02,834 --> 00:19:04,985
(snoring)
Oh.
457
00:19:04,987 --> 00:19:06,086
Perfect.
458
00:19:06,088 --> 00:19:08,305
(doorbell rings,
Walden scoffs)
459
00:19:08,307 --> 00:19:10,374
It's a tale as old as time.
460
00:19:10,376 --> 00:19:14,094
Don't wax your ass to help
your roommate's lesbian niece.
461
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:16,980
Hey, Waldo!
462
00:19:18,049 --> 00:19:21,018
Hi, Baldo.
463
00:19:22,971 --> 00:19:24,555
Brooke, are you drunk?
464
00:19:24,557 --> 00:19:27,140
No, I'm merloaded.
465
00:19:27,142 --> 00:19:29,359
You drank
that whole bottle yourself?
466
00:19:29,361 --> 00:19:33,013
It's okay. I'm gonna
eat later. Shh.
467
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,067
Come on.
468
00:19:37,069 --> 00:19:39,653
I'm sorry.
469
00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:42,456
I never do second dates,
470
00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:45,042
and I was nervous
'cause I really like Jenny.
471
00:19:45,044 --> 00:19:47,244
Hello. Hey, there's Jenny!
472
00:19:47,246 --> 00:19:49,379
Okay, nap date.
473
00:19:49,381 --> 00:19:51,531
Uh, good idea. Mm.
474
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,719
How cute.
475
00:19:55,721 --> 00:19:59,122
It's like two drunk,
gay puppies.
476
00:20:01,342 --> 00:20:04,561
Ah. They're gonna want
a picture of this later.
477
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:10,050
♪ Men.
478
00:20:17,212 --> 00:20:19,788
WALDEN: 'Twas the night
before Christmas
479
00:20:19,789 --> 00:20:23,640
when all down the beach
not a creature was stirring,
480
00:20:23,642 --> 00:20:25,992
not even a leech.
481
00:20:25,994 --> 00:20:28,829
Alan was nestled,
all snug in his bed,
482
00:20:28,831 --> 00:20:32,716
while visions of lesbians
danced in his head.
483
00:20:32,718 --> 00:20:36,670
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping,
a long winter's nap,
484
00:20:36,672 --> 00:20:39,840
surrounded by bottles
with nary a cap.
485
00:20:39,842 --> 00:20:41,842
Jenny was nervous
and frightened,
486
00:20:41,844 --> 00:20:43,861
but took a big chance.
487
00:20:43,863 --> 00:20:48,181
She let Brooke in her heart,
as well as her pants.
488
00:20:48,183 --> 00:20:51,602
While Berta in her vest
and I in my hattie
489
00:20:51,604 --> 00:20:53,854
had just baked our brains out
490
00:20:53,856 --> 00:20:56,857
with a big Christmas fatty.
491
00:20:56,859 --> 00:21:00,711
We started to doze,
we hadn't a care.
492
00:21:00,713 --> 00:21:05,107
Happy Christmas to all.
My balls have no hair.
493
00:21:05,294 --> 00:21:10,294
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*