1
00:00:02,797 --> 00:00:04,598
(conversation, laughter)

2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,450
Thank you.

3
00:00:06,452 --> 00:00:08,268
Wow. She's cute.

4
00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:09,536
She sure is.

5
00:00:09,538 --> 00:00:11,322
She sucks
in bed.

6
00:00:11,324 --> 00:00:13,540
And not in a good way.

7
00:00:14,376 --> 00:00:15,326
Her, too?

8
00:00:15,328 --> 00:00:16,443
I-I didn't even know
she was gay.

9
00:00:16,445 --> 00:00:19,279
Neither did she,
till last Thursday.

10
00:00:19,281 --> 00:00:22,249
You're like some
kind of lesbian zombie

11
00:00:22,251 --> 00:00:24,418
infecting all
the women of Malibu.

12
00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:25,419
Ha!

13
00:00:25,421 --> 00:00:26,587
I like that.

14
00:00:26,589 --> 00:00:28,839
(as zombie):
Must have vagina.

15
00:00:29,758 --> 00:00:32,626
(as zombie):
Must have vagina.

16
00:00:32,628 --> 00:00:35,062
Sounds like some kind of
weird help wanted ad

17
00:00:35,064 --> 00:00:36,096
Alan would place.

18
00:00:36,098 --> 00:00:37,264
(chuckles)

19
00:00:38,266 --> 00:00:39,966
So when did you realize
that you were gay?

20
00:00:39,968 --> 00:00:40,967
Oh, oh...

21
00:00:40,969 --> 00:00:42,152
What's that I hear?

22
00:00:42,154 --> 00:00:44,521
Is that your own closet door
finally swinging open?

23
00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:46,323
Trust me,
if I was gay

24
00:00:46,325 --> 00:00:47,974
you'd be the first
one to know.

25
00:00:49,444 --> 00:00:51,311
You know, I think I was
in high school

26
00:00:51,313 --> 00:00:52,663
when I figured it out.

27
00:00:52,665 --> 00:00:54,331
A bunch of my friends
were having a sleepover

28
00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,999
and we started talking about

29
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:57,701
what it would be like
to kiss a boy

30
00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,002
and who was the best kisser.

31
00:00:59,004 --> 00:01:00,921
So me and my friend Kimberly,

32
00:01:00,923 --> 00:01:02,206
who was a cheerleader,

33
00:01:02,208 --> 00:01:04,375
decided to settle it
by making out.

34
00:01:04,377 --> 00:01:05,492
A-a cheerleader?

35
00:01:05,494 --> 00:01:07,795
Let the woman talk.

36
00:01:07,797 --> 00:01:09,680
Kimberly was so hot.

37
00:01:09,682 --> 00:01:13,100
I still remember
how soft her lips felt

38
00:01:13,102 --> 00:01:15,853
as she slipped
her hand under my shirt

39
00:01:15,855 --> 00:01:18,639
and kissed her way down my body.

40
00:01:21,226 --> 00:01:24,528
Must've been a strange and
confusing time for you.

41
00:01:25,697 --> 00:01:27,030
Please continue.

42
00:01:27,032 --> 00:01:30,317
She closed her eyes.

43
00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:32,069
She parted her lips.

44
00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:34,655
She arched her back

45
00:01:34,657 --> 00:01:37,241
and I whispered in her ear,

46
00:01:37,243 --> 00:01:40,360
"Oh, my God,

47
00:01:40,362 --> 00:01:42,329
"Kimberly,

48
00:01:42,331 --> 00:01:43,864
"I can't believe

49
00:01:43,866 --> 00:01:45,883
"these two idiots

50
00:01:45,885 --> 00:01:48,135
actually believe this story."

51
00:01:51,723 --> 00:01:53,223
And then what happe...
Aw!

52
00:01:53,225 --> 00:01:55,092
Damn it!

53
00:01:55,094 --> 00:01:56,760
It's not that complicated.

54
00:01:56,762 --> 00:01:59,346
The first time you masturbate
thinking about the school nurse

55
00:01:59,348 --> 00:02:00,481
you pretty much know.

56
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:03,600
BOTH:
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

57
00:02:06,654 --> 00:02:09,072
We need to start hanging out with
girls who aren't gay.

58
00:02:09,074 --> 00:02:10,023
Or related to us.

59
00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:11,692
How 'bout her?

60
00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:15,863
Oh, I suppose I could
go talk to her.

61
00:02:15,865 --> 00:02:17,614
I think Jenny was
talking about me.

62
00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:19,065
Oh, really?

63
00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,951
And you assume that just because
you're rich and good-looking?

64
00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:23,170
No, I was going to say
smart and charming,

65
00:02:23,172 --> 00:02:25,238
but if you mix all those
ingredients together,

66
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,624
you make one delicious
hot guy pie.

67
00:02:27,626 --> 00:02:31,295
Well, your "hot guy pie"
is no match for my system.

68
00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:32,463
No, hold on.

69
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:34,047
Going on Craigslist
and looking up "escorts"

70
00:02:34,049 --> 00:02:35,081
isn't a system.

71
00:02:35,083 --> 00:02:36,249
That is not my system,

72
00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:38,385
that is my backup plan.

73
00:02:38,387 --> 00:02:40,420
My system consists
of the three "C"s:

74
00:02:40,422 --> 00:02:43,190
connect, charm and cry.

75
00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:44,808
Works every time.

76
00:02:44,810 --> 00:02:45,943
Uh, okay...

77
00:02:45,945 --> 00:02:47,444
"Hi, my name's Alan.

78
00:02:47,446 --> 00:02:50,063
"That is a beautiful
blouse you're wearing.

79
00:02:50,065 --> 00:02:52,566
My dead wife was buried
in one just like it."

80
00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:55,652
Yeah, my system's
a lot simpler.

81
00:02:55,654 --> 00:02:56,937
I wait for you
to finish talking

82
00:02:56,939 --> 00:02:58,271
and then I
take them home.

83
00:02:58,273 --> 00:03:00,491
Oh, oh, big words
coming from somebody

84
00:03:00,493 --> 00:03:02,108
sitting alone next to me.
Oh.

85
00:03:02,110 --> 00:03:04,495
Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see
who she likes better.

86
00:03:08,249 --> 00:03:10,083
Oh, my God.

87
00:03:10,085 --> 00:03:11,785
No one is safe.

88
00:03:16,908 --> 00:03:19,710
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

89
00:03:19,712 --> 00:03:21,753
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

90
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,900
sync, corrected by elderman
Resync for WEB-DL by Junniper

91
00:03:25,356 --> 00:03:26,956
(indistinct conversations)

92
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,792
Hey, do you think all women
are potentially lesbians?

93
00:03:29,794 --> 00:03:31,978
Um, I have 30 years

94
00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:34,080
of masturbating to porn
that say yes.

95
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:37,150
You know,
you brag more

96
00:03:37,152 --> 00:03:38,284
about your
masturbating prowess

97
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,719
than any person
I know.

98
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:43,172
It ain't bragging
if it's true.

99
00:03:43,174 --> 00:03:45,674
Ooh. Alpha bravo,
two bogeys on your six.

100
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,528
Why are you
talking like that?

101
00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:50,679
Oh, my...
Did you have a stroke?

102
00:03:50,681 --> 00:03:52,031
It's airplane talk.

103
00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:53,232
I'm your wingman.

104
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,034
It... it just means two cute girls
just walked in.

105
00:03:55,036 --> 00:03:57,787
Why didn't you just say
two cute girls just walked in?

106
00:03:57,789 --> 00:03:58,955
Roger that.

107
00:03:58,957 --> 00:04:00,790
Will you stop that?
Over and out.

108
00:04:03,794 --> 00:04:05,211
Wow.
Yeah.

109
00:04:05,213 --> 00:04:06,412
They are cute.
Yeah, yeah.

110
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,164
So, uh... so what's
the play here?

111
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,032
Um, uh... how about
something like, uh...

112
00:04:10,034 --> 00:04:11,918
"Hey, uh, those
seats are taken,

113
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,836
but our faces aren't"?

114
00:04:15,705 --> 00:04:17,256
How about,
"I'm Walden,

115
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,726
and this is my
mute friend Alan"?

116
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,894
Fine.

117
00:04:21,896 --> 00:04:23,846
You think you've got such
great game, lead the way,

118
00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:26,766
Mr. "I'm too good for
Craigslist and masturbating."

119
00:04:30,154 --> 00:04:31,104
Hi.

120
00:04:31,106 --> 00:04:33,022
Hi.

121
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:39,412
That's all I got.

122
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,449
Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does
a polar bear weigh?

123
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,251
Oh, I don't know.

124
00:04:45,253 --> 00:04:47,253
Enough to break the ice.
I'm Dr. Alan Harper.

125
00:04:48,572 --> 00:04:50,056
Uh, this is my associate
Walden Schmidt.

126
00:04:50,058 --> 00:04:51,507
Google him,
he's rich.

127
00:04:51,509 --> 00:04:54,093
If you Google me,
you can see my boobs.

128
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,346
Also if you do this.

129
00:04:57,348 --> 00:04:59,632
Hi.

130
00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:01,217
Oh, oh, uh,
take another look,

131
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,219
but this time
spell "attic."

132
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:07,140
A-T-T-I-C.

133
00:05:07,142 --> 00:05:09,108
Oh! I get it.

134
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,594
Because these are my tee-tees

135
00:05:11,596 --> 00:05:13,563
and I see them.

136
00:05:13,565 --> 00:05:16,399
I'm sorry about my friend.
I'm sorry about my friend.

137
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,435
Walden.
Jill.

138
00:05:19,437 --> 00:05:21,370
So, Alan, what kind of
doctor are you?

139
00:05:21,372 --> 00:05:22,321
Oh, I'm a...

140
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:24,106
a chiropractor...

141
00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:25,441
slash brain surgeon.

142
00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:26,942
Oh!

143
00:05:26,944 --> 00:05:28,494
So, uh, w-what do
you guys do?

144
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,164
We're princesses
at a theme park.

145
00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:32,281
Really?

146
00:05:32,283 --> 00:05:33,883
Yeah, I play
Cinderella

147
00:05:33,885 --> 00:05:35,051
and she's the
Little Mermaid.

148
00:05:35,053 --> 00:05:36,502
Oh, well, that
certainly makes sense

149
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,837
because, uh,
you "swept"

150
00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:39,589
my friend
off his feet

151
00:05:39,591 --> 00:05:42,124
and-and I'm
"hooked" on you.

152
00:05:42,126 --> 00:05:43,643
Oh, my God,
that's funny

153
00:05:43,645 --> 00:05:44,927
because I'm a fish.

154
00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,229
(laughing)
Yes.

155
00:05:46,231 --> 00:05:49,065
The answer to the question
you're not asking is:

156
00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:51,150
because she makes
me look smart.

157
00:05:51,152 --> 00:05:54,520
Well, the answer to the question
you're not asking is:

158
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:56,472
because he won't
move out.

159
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,361
Morning.
Oh, hey.

160
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:03,496
How great
was last night?

161
00:06:03,498 --> 00:06:04,864
It was pretty good.

162
00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,332
Those girls didn't know
what hit 'em.

163
00:06:06,334 --> 00:06:09,151
What'd you use,
chloroform or Tasers?

164
00:06:09,153 --> 00:06:10,819
I will have you know

165
00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:12,338
that Walden and I
have dates tonight

166
00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:14,173
with two theme park princesses.

167
00:06:14,175 --> 00:06:16,125
Mine's Cinderella.

168
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:17,660
Perfect for you.

169
00:06:17,662 --> 00:06:19,762
Storybook beauty.

170
00:06:19,764 --> 00:06:21,430
And mine is the Little Mermaid.

171
00:06:21,432 --> 00:06:22,798
Perfect for you.

172
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,500
No legs to run away.

173
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,223
I'm telling you,
if we play our cards right,

174
00:06:30,225 --> 00:06:32,942
we're gonna get ourselves
some fairy-tail.

175
00:06:32,944 --> 00:06:35,027
"Fairy-tail"?

176
00:06:35,029 --> 00:06:37,396
Because, you know,
"tail" has two meanings.

177
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,365
Yeah, so does "fairy."

178
00:06:41,385 --> 00:06:42,401
Hey, guys.

179
00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:43,686
ALAN: Hi.
Hey.

180
00:06:43,688 --> 00:06:44,654
This is Maria.

181
00:06:44,656 --> 00:06:45,955
Maria, this is Walden
and Alan.

182
00:06:45,957 --> 00:06:47,073
Oh, that's so cool.

183
00:06:47,075 --> 00:06:48,908
You didn't tell me
your parents were gay.

184
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,129
Didn't I?

185
00:06:53,131 --> 00:06:54,714
Dad and Mom.

186
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,216
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.

187
00:06:57,218 --> 00:06:58,501
Uh, listen,
I gotta go.

188
00:06:58,503 --> 00:07:00,202
But you are going
to call me, right?

189
00:07:00,204 --> 00:07:02,088
Absolutely.
You sure?

190
00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,306
Yes.

191
00:07:03,308 --> 00:07:05,508
I would not lie to you
in front of my parents.

192
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,710
Bye, it was nice meeting you.

193
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,897
Don't be a stranger, dear.

194
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,017
That's not the girl you
picked up in the bar last night.

195
00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:16,736
No, she delivered the pizza

196
00:07:16,738 --> 00:07:19,405
to me and the girl I picked up
at the bar last night.

197
00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:23,526
Well, I hope you gave her
a good tip.

198
00:07:23,528 --> 00:07:26,078
Nah, she didn't come
in 30 minutes or less.

199
00:07:32,402 --> 00:07:33,419
Whoa.

200
00:07:33,421 --> 00:07:34,487
(imitates siren)

201
00:07:34,489 --> 00:07:35,871
Fashion Police.

202
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,840
Pull over.

203
00:07:37,842 --> 00:07:39,241
What?

204
00:07:39,243 --> 00:07:40,593
The reason I stopped you

205
00:07:40,595 --> 00:07:43,596
is it appears
your style has expired.

206
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,215
You don't like
this sweater?

207
00:07:46,217 --> 00:07:47,216
I thought it
looked good.

208
00:07:47,218 --> 00:07:49,635
Have you been drinking, sir?

209
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,721
This coming
from a man

210
00:07:51,723 --> 00:07:54,557
who looks like he's been
tented for termites.

211
00:07:56,426 --> 00:07:58,594
(doorbell rings)

212
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:01,864
Lyndsey.

213
00:08:01,866 --> 00:08:03,065
Hi, Alan.

214
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,784
Uh, did we have
plans for tonight?

215
00:08:04,786 --> 00:08:06,419
No, I was
in the area

216
00:08:06,421 --> 00:08:08,220
and I thought I'd surprise
you with a booty call.

217
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,605
Oh. Wow.

218
00:08:09,607 --> 00:08:11,405
Well, normally that would
be delightful, but...

219
00:08:11,430 --> 00:08:12,888
Wait.

220
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:16,245
You're wearing cologne
and your one good shirt.

221
00:08:18,114 --> 00:08:19,448
You have a date.

222
00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:21,801
Oh, no, I-I wouldn't
call it a date,

223
00:08:21,803 --> 00:08:23,419
you know, uh, um...

224
00:08:23,421 --> 00:08:25,388
Walden met this woman,

225
00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:28,257
and she's got a friend,
really ugly.

226
00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:29,558
Mm-hmm.
(chuckling)

227
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:30,793
You know how
they say, you know,

228
00:08:30,795 --> 00:08:32,061
people were beaten
with the ugly stick?

229
00:08:32,063 --> 00:08:33,512
Well...
well, you know,

230
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,681
if you took a bunch
of the ugly sticks

231
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,350
and built an ugly house,

232
00:08:37,352 --> 00:08:39,986
when this girl
walked by,

233
00:08:39,988 --> 00:08:42,605
the house would
call her ugly.

234
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,325
Alan, relax.

235
00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:48,494
You're allowed to date.
Oh, really?

236
00:08:48,496 --> 00:08:50,096
Of course. I mean,
I have a boyfriend.

237
00:08:50,098 --> 00:08:52,782
Oh, thank God, 'cause this girl is
actually way hot.

238
00:08:52,784 --> 00:08:53,733
(laughs)

239
00:08:53,735 --> 00:08:55,418
I mean, you know,
not as hot as you,

240
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:56,952
but, you know,
young-hot.

241
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,624
You've been hot
a lot longer.

242
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,797
I'm gonna go.

243
00:09:07,799 --> 00:09:08,931
You sure you're
okay with this?

244
00:09:08,933 --> 00:09:10,349
I'm sure.

245
00:09:10,351 --> 00:09:12,551
Go have fun.

246
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,438
Oh, that's my good old Lyndsey.

247
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,857
I didn't mean "old"!

248
00:09:17,859 --> 00:09:19,842
(imitates siren)

249
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,562
Idiot Police.

250
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,197
Pull over.

251
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,871
God, it's great out here.

252
00:09:31,873 --> 00:09:33,789
The stars look amazing.

253
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:36,292
Yeah, without the lights
from the city, they really pop.

254
00:09:36,294 --> 00:09:39,045
That's why you can see
Orion's Belt so clearly.

255
00:09:39,047 --> 00:09:41,797
Uh, you know, if you
look under Orion's Belt,

256
00:09:41,799 --> 00:09:43,866
uh, you can see
his Little Dipper.

257
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,033
(laughs)

258
00:09:45,035 --> 00:09:46,052
Oh, my God,
you are so bad.

259
00:09:46,054 --> 00:09:47,219
(laughing)

260
00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:48,471
You're into astronomy?

261
00:09:48,473 --> 00:09:49,505
'Cause I've been
into astronomy

262
00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:50,539
since I went
to space camp.

263
00:09:50,541 --> 00:09:53,375
Also about the same
time I got into

264
00:09:53,377 --> 00:09:55,561
getting my ass kicked
at school.

265
00:09:55,563 --> 00:09:58,564
I always wanted
to go to space camp.

266
00:09:58,566 --> 00:10:00,182
Nerd!

267
00:10:00,184 --> 00:10:02,384
I prefer "geek."

268
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,321
Wh-What about you,
Laurie?

269
00:10:05,323 --> 00:10:06,388
Are you into
astronomy?

270
00:10:06,390 --> 00:10:08,691
Yep, I'm a Virgo.

271
00:10:08,693 --> 00:10:11,059
But I'm not a virgin.

272
00:10:12,496 --> 00:10:14,780
Both good signs
for me.

273
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:17,566
So, uh, how did you become
a princess, anyway?

274
00:10:17,568 --> 00:10:20,235
Oh, I get that a lot.

275
00:10:20,237 --> 00:10:23,706
(whispering):
I'm not a real princess.

276
00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:26,074
I'm also not
a real redhead.

277
00:10:26,076 --> 00:10:27,576
You'll find
that out later.

278
00:10:29,179 --> 00:10:31,914
No way, it must be great
being a princess.

279
00:10:31,916 --> 00:10:33,132
Yeah, for the most part.

280
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,434
What's not so great
are the pervy dads

281
00:10:35,436 --> 00:10:37,686
who are trying
to cop a feel.

282
00:10:37,688 --> 00:10:39,054
The other day I was like,

283
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,606
"Do that again,
you're gonna find out

284
00:10:40,608 --> 00:10:42,525
where else
my glass slipper fits."

285
00:10:42,527 --> 00:10:44,977
Is it weird that
that turns me on?

286
00:10:44,979 --> 00:10:47,613
Is it weird
that's why I told you?

287
00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,915
So, hey, would you girls like
a little more champagne?

288
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,150
Oh, I would!
(laughs)

289
00:10:51,152 --> 00:10:52,368
I love champagne.

290
00:10:52,370 --> 00:10:54,153
And puppies!

291
00:10:54,155 --> 00:10:55,905
Um, what's the magic word?

292
00:10:55,907 --> 00:10:58,707
Oh... boobs!

293
00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:00,910
Ah, the kids must love you.

294
00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:08,334
I really like Jill.

295
00:11:08,336 --> 00:11:10,669
I mean, she's fun, she's
beautiful, she's smart.

296
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,120
And I really like Laurie--
she's fun,

297
00:11:12,122 --> 00:11:15,040
she's beautiful, she's stupid.

298
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,092
So, uh, what's the next move?

299
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,895
I'm gonna take Jill up to my
room and show her my telescope.

300
00:11:19,897 --> 00:11:20,980
What am I gonna do?
There's nothing

301
00:11:20,982 --> 00:11:22,097
in my room to show Laurie.

302
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,182
Yes, there is.

303
00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:25,067
You have a couch
that turns into a bed.

304
00:11:25,069 --> 00:11:26,485
She'll be amazed.

305
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,306
Okay, open your eyes.

306
00:11:31,308 --> 00:11:34,160
Oh, my God!

307
00:11:34,162 --> 00:11:35,978
Where'd the couch go?

308
00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:37,530
Ah-ah-ah!

309
00:11:37,532 --> 00:11:39,698
A magician never
reveals his secrets.

310
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,334
That's amazing.

311
00:11:42,336 --> 00:11:43,485
And for my next trick,

312
00:11:43,487 --> 00:11:45,588
I'm going to make
my penis disappear.

313
00:11:45,590 --> 00:11:46,672
(gasps)

314
00:11:46,674 --> 00:11:48,824
I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.

315
00:11:48,826 --> 00:11:50,676
Ooh, pick me, pick me!

316
00:11:50,678 --> 00:11:51,994
Um...

317
00:11:51,996 --> 00:11:53,646
(laughs)

318
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,632
(cell phone ringing)

319
00:11:56,634 --> 00:11:57,683
(grunts)

320
00:11:57,685 --> 00:11:59,051
Oh, sorry, um...

321
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:01,637
Uh, my mom.

322
00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:02,688
No problem.

323
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:04,723
I'll go put in a condom.

324
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:07,843
Uh, uh, that's not how...

325
00:12:07,845 --> 00:12:09,478
You know what? Great.

326
00:12:12,015 --> 00:12:12,982
Lyndsey?

327
00:12:12,984 --> 00:12:15,568
Alan? Thanks for calling.

328
00:12:15,570 --> 00:12:16,952
You called me.

329
00:12:16,954 --> 00:12:18,037
Oh, that's good 'cause I was

330
00:12:18,039 --> 00:12:19,488
just gonna call you.

331
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:20,739
Lyndsey, you're drunk.

332
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,491
Alan, you're boring.

333
00:12:22,493 --> 00:12:23,742
Okay, I'm gonna go.

334
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,877
Whoa, whoa, wait!

335
00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:26,579
Just one thing.

336
00:12:26,581 --> 00:12:28,380
Remember when I told you
I was okay

337
00:12:28,382 --> 00:12:29,548
with you dating other people?

338
00:12:29,550 --> 00:12:30,532
Uh-huh.

339
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:31,717
Well, I'm not.

340
00:12:31,719 --> 00:12:33,052
You're not?

341
00:12:33,054 --> 00:12:34,753
(door opens)

342
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,389
I'm ready
for your next trick.

343
00:12:38,541 --> 00:12:40,392
Can I call you back? I'm...

344
00:12:40,394 --> 00:12:42,561
going into a tunnel.

345
00:12:48,153 --> 00:12:51,555
So, what do you think
of your princess?

346
00:12:51,557 --> 00:12:53,724
I think I am enchanted.

347
00:12:53,726 --> 00:12:55,759
And engorged.

348
00:12:55,761 --> 00:12:58,629
Well, let's see
about giving this story

349
00:12:58,631 --> 00:13:00,597
a happy ending.

350
00:13:00,599 --> 00:13:02,232
Uh, can you hold on
for a second?

351
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:03,200
Oh.
Oh, oh!

352
00:13:03,202 --> 00:13:04,985
Uh, not what I meant.

353
00:13:04,987 --> 00:13:07,071
But... big thumbs-up.

354
00:13:07,073 --> 00:13:08,072
Oh, oh!

355
00:13:08,074 --> 00:13:10,223
It was a...

356
00:13:10,225 --> 00:13:12,826
It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.

357
00:13:12,828 --> 00:13:15,279
Uh, and-and you work
with children.

358
00:13:15,281 --> 00:13:16,497
Is everything all right?

359
00:13:16,499 --> 00:13:18,666
Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, uh,
can you just, uh,

360
00:13:18,668 --> 00:13:20,617
hang on a minute?
I've got to freshen up.

361
00:13:20,619 --> 00:13:22,086
Oh, the bathroom's right there.

362
00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:24,755
Yeah, no, I have to...

363
00:13:24,757 --> 00:13:26,957
poop.

364
00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:29,543
Okay.

365
00:13:29,545 --> 00:13:32,596
Check out this star.

366
00:13:32,598 --> 00:13:34,598
Is that the guy from <i>Survivor?</i>

367
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,084
Yeah, Jeff Probst.

368
00:13:37,086 --> 00:13:39,319
He's naked and cooking...

369
00:13:39,321 --> 00:13:40,304
bacon?

370
00:13:40,306 --> 00:13:41,922
Yeah, he does it every night.

371
00:13:41,924 --> 00:13:44,758
It's a regular bacon
and sausage fest.

372
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,277
And why do you watch?

373
00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:48,779
Uh, there's not much on TV.

374
00:13:48,781 --> 00:13:50,263
But... more importantly...

375
00:13:50,265 --> 00:13:52,950
I think he wants me to.

376
00:13:52,952 --> 00:13:55,602
Well, maybe if there
was something better

377
00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:56,904
for you to look at?

378
00:13:56,906 --> 00:13:58,288
Oh.

379
00:13:58,290 --> 00:13:59,239
(loud knocking)

380
00:13:59,241 --> 00:14:00,958
ALAN:
Walden! Walden!

381
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,777
I know! Probst is cooking.

382
00:14:05,463 --> 00:14:08,448
ALAN:
No, no! It-it's an emergency.

383
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:10,551
I'm sorry, it's...
Mm-hmm.

384
00:14:12,954 --> 00:14:14,054
What?

385
00:14:14,056 --> 00:14:15,055
Lyndsey called me.

386
00:14:15,057 --> 00:14:16,473
Oh, my God.
Yeah.

387
00:14:16,475 --> 00:14:18,842
Why didn't you say that
from the beginning?

388
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,462
(loud knocking)

389
00:14:26,101 --> 00:14:28,402
She told me she is not okay
with me dating someone else.

390
00:14:28,404 --> 00:14:30,270
She has a boyfriend, okay?

391
00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:32,823
What she's doing to you is not fair.
So what should I do?

392
00:14:32,825 --> 00:14:34,942
You should do what every boy in
America has dreamed about doing,

393
00:14:34,944 --> 00:14:37,528
and go downstairs
and bang the Little Mermaid.

394
00:14:39,364 --> 00:14:40,480
You're right.

395
00:14:40,482 --> 00:14:42,332
A bush in the hand
and all that.

396
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:44,284
Well, I'd tell you
to go screw her brains out,

397
00:14:44,286 --> 00:14:46,036
but somebody already
beat you to it.

398
00:14:48,790 --> 00:14:50,207
(cell phone ringing)

399
00:14:50,209 --> 00:14:51,875
Aw, great.

400
00:14:51,877 --> 00:14:53,610
Um...

401
00:14:53,612 --> 00:14:55,712
Hi, Lynds.

402
00:14:55,714 --> 00:14:58,215
No, no, you have, uh,
nothing to apologize for.

403
00:14:58,217 --> 00:15:01,185
I-I sent her home.

404
00:15:01,187 --> 00:15:04,822
You left a surprise for me?

405
00:15:04,824 --> 00:15:06,190
Oh...

406
00:15:06,192 --> 00:15:07,558
you didn't have to do that.

407
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,093
Surprise!

408
00:15:10,095 --> 00:15:11,779
Lyndsey?
Yeah.

409
00:15:11,781 --> 00:15:14,064
I felt bad
about ruining your date

410
00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:16,500
so I wanted to make it up to you.
Oh.

411
00:15:16,502 --> 00:15:18,802
LAURIE:
Alan, where are you?

412
00:15:18,804 --> 00:15:20,120
Who was that?

413
00:15:20,122 --> 00:15:21,855
Oh, uh, that's just
a TV show I'm watching.

414
00:15:21,857 --> 00:15:22,823
It's called...

415
00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:24,858
<i>Alan, Where Are You?</i>

416
00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:26,043
Um, well,

417
00:15:26,045 --> 00:15:27,377
you know what?
Thanks for dropping by,

418
00:15:27,379 --> 00:15:28,545
but I'm gonna have
to take a rain check.

419
00:15:28,547 --> 00:15:30,130
So I will see you soon.

420
00:15:30,132 --> 00:15:33,050
Are you done pooping?

421
00:15:33,052 --> 00:15:34,051
(groans)

422
00:15:34,053 --> 00:15:35,552
Whoop!

423
00:15:35,554 --> 00:15:37,287
Who the hell is this?

424
00:15:37,289 --> 00:15:39,056
Ooh, I'm so sorry.

425
00:15:39,058 --> 00:15:40,540
Is this your mom?

426
00:15:41,759 --> 00:15:44,178
Bitch, you are gonna die!

427
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:45,896
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.

428
00:15:45,898 --> 00:15:48,565
I thought you said
you sent the slut home.

429
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:50,567
How does she know I'm a slut?

430
00:15:50,569 --> 00:15:53,520
Okay, okay, this-this is just
a classic misunderstanding.

431
00:15:53,522 --> 00:15:56,240
It-it's like a bad episode
of <i>Alan, Where Are You?</i>

432
00:15:57,525 --> 00:15:58,942
You lied to me!

433
00:15:58,944 --> 00:16:00,577
I was just about
to kick her out.

434
00:16:00,579 --> 00:16:01,995
You were about to kick me out?

435
00:16:01,997 --> 00:16:03,831
I wasn't. I was.

436
00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:04,748
I wasn't.

437
00:16:04,750 --> 00:16:05,782
WALDEN:
Hey.

438
00:16:05,784 --> 00:16:07,034
What is going on?

439
00:16:07,036 --> 00:16:09,503
Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.

440
00:16:09,505 --> 00:16:11,839
Alan's cheating on me.

441
00:16:11,841 --> 00:16:13,173
Uh, you have a boyfriend!

442
00:16:13,175 --> 00:16:14,908
Now who's the slut?

443
00:16:14,910 --> 00:16:16,176
Ooh, ooh!

444
00:16:16,178 --> 00:16:17,511
Okay, maybe...

445
00:16:17,513 --> 00:16:18,679
we should just get
our things and go.

446
00:16:18,681 --> 00:16:19,713
No, no, no, no, no, no!

447
00:16:19,715 --> 00:16:20,764
Don't-don't get your things.

448
00:16:20,766 --> 00:16:22,082
I like your things.

449
00:16:22,084 --> 00:16:24,351
I haven't even
seen your things.

450
00:16:24,353 --> 00:16:26,470
I really think we
should call it a night.

451
00:16:26,472 --> 00:16:28,088
No, Alan, do something!

452
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:29,273
Uh, o-okay, what we're
gonna do is...

453
00:16:29,275 --> 00:16:32,643
(retching)

454
00:16:34,145 --> 00:16:36,313
Whoa!

455
00:16:37,365 --> 00:16:40,784
Whoa.

456
00:16:40,786 --> 00:16:42,953
Must have vagina!

457
00:16:48,042 --> 00:16:49,793
Morning.

458
00:16:49,795 --> 00:16:53,180
Hey, sorry for puking
in the living room last night.

459
00:16:53,182 --> 00:16:53,964
What?

460
00:16:53,966 --> 00:16:55,249
I think I just drank

461
00:16:55,251 --> 00:16:56,583
a little too much.

462
00:16:56,585 --> 00:16:58,101
Oh, th-that wasn't you.
That was Lyndsey.

463
00:16:58,103 --> 00:17:00,721
Oh, awesome!

464
00:17:00,723 --> 00:17:04,107
Guess who doesn't have
a drinking problem.

465
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:06,894
Morning.
Morning.

466
00:17:06,896 --> 00:17:08,645
Sorry again about last night.

467
00:17:08,647 --> 00:17:11,315
You know what?
I really liked Jill.

468
00:17:11,317 --> 00:17:12,983
What happened was
out of my control.

469
00:17:12,985 --> 00:17:14,634
No, it wasn't!

470
00:17:14,636 --> 00:17:17,187
This whole non-relationship
relationship thing

471
00:17:17,189 --> 00:17:19,273
you have going on
with Lyndsey is ridiculous.

472
00:17:19,275 --> 00:17:20,657
And now it's affecting me.

473
00:17:20,659 --> 00:17:23,410
You owe me a princess
and an area rug.

474
00:17:24,746 --> 00:17:26,947
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened. Nothing.

475
00:17:26,949 --> 00:17:29,666
The only person who got hot,
drunk sex last night

476
00:17:29,668 --> 00:17:31,668
was Lyndsey's boyfriend.

477
00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:32,869
Actually...

478
00:17:32,871 --> 00:17:34,338
Okay, fine.
Him and you.

479
00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:36,940
Well...
Aw, damn it!

480
00:17:40,645 --> 00:17:42,813
(doorbell rings)

481
00:17:47,268 --> 00:17:48,518
Lyndsey, can we talk?

482
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,104
Sure, I've been puking
at 20-minute intervals.

483
00:17:51,106 --> 00:17:54,191
So... you got eight minutes.

484
00:17:54,193 --> 00:17:56,510
Look, a-about last night...

485
00:17:56,512 --> 00:17:58,395
I-I am really sorry.

486
00:17:58,397 --> 00:18:00,314
I-I was totally out of line.

487
00:18:00,316 --> 00:18:02,099
It's just...
I started picturing you

488
00:18:02,101 --> 00:18:04,568
with some other girl
and I got so jealous.

489
00:18:04,570 --> 00:18:06,370
I mean...

490
00:18:06,372 --> 00:18:07,871
isn't that crazy?

491
00:18:07,873 --> 00:18:09,456
It's you.

492
00:18:10,358 --> 00:18:12,960
Ouch, there was an iron fist

493
00:18:12,962 --> 00:18:14,795
in that velvet glove.

494
00:18:14,797 --> 00:18:17,247
Um, look.

495
00:18:17,249 --> 00:18:18,799
I want to be with you.

496
00:18:18,801 --> 00:18:20,550
And this whole thing with me,

497
00:18:20,552 --> 00:18:23,587
you and Larry
just isn't working anymore.

498
00:18:23,589 --> 00:18:25,973
So what are you saying?

499
00:18:25,975 --> 00:18:29,226
I'm saying
it's-it's either me or him.

500
00:18:29,228 --> 00:18:31,211
Well, it's not that simple.

501
00:18:31,213 --> 00:18:32,929
I can't just choose.

502
00:18:32,931 --> 00:18:35,065
I guess you already did.

503
00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:37,434
Good-bye, Lyndsey.

504
00:18:37,436 --> 00:18:38,902
Alan, wait.

505
00:18:38,904 --> 00:18:41,071
Yeah?

506
00:18:41,073 --> 00:18:43,857
I-I choose you.

507
00:18:43,859 --> 00:18:45,575
Really?

508
00:18:45,577 --> 00:18:47,861
Yeah.
Oh!

509
00:18:47,863 --> 00:18:50,213
Oh, you make me so happy.
You make me happy, too.

510
00:18:50,215 --> 00:18:52,149
So, you gonna
break up with Larry?

511
00:18:52,151 --> 00:18:54,451
Yes.
Aw, great.

512
00:18:54,453 --> 00:18:56,336
It feels so good
to be back in your arms.

513
00:18:56,338 --> 00:18:57,671
Yeah...

514
00:18:57,673 --> 00:18:59,406
Hold on.

515
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,759
(retching)

516
00:19:02,761 --> 00:19:04,961
Oh, hold my hair!

517
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:10,801
Oh, it's just like old times.

518
00:19:10,803 --> 00:19:13,020
(yells)

519
00:19:16,871 --> 00:19:19,055
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

520
00:19:20,257 --> 00:19:21,391
Wow.

521
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,827
Yeah, wow.

522
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:24,995
That was, uh...

523
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,864
Boring.
Very.

524
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,216
What was missing?

525
00:19:31,769 --> 00:19:35,255
Larry.
Larry.

526
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,607
Knowing we're not supposed
to have sex made it way hotter.

527
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,109
It really did.

528
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:42,062
You think maybe Larry
would take you back?

529
00:19:42,064 --> 00:19:45,782
I haven't told him yet.
Smart.

530
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:47,434
Hey.

531
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,753
Now that we both know that
Larry's still in the picture,

532
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,904
maybe we should try again.

533
00:19:51,906 --> 00:19:53,390
Okay.

534
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:55,625
I promise this time
I won't fake my orgasm.

535
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,961
Oh, then neither will I.

536
00:20:05,019 --> 00:20:06,720
Walden.

537
00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:08,104
Can you help me, miss?

538
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:11,725
A beautiful woman fled my house
last night and the only clue

539
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:13,309
I have to her identity

540
00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,279
is this shoe she left behind.

541
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:20,150
Oh, that's very sweet,
but this isn't a good time.

542
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:23,069
Why, is it...?

543
00:20:23,071 --> 00:20:25,271
Do I smell bacon?

544
00:20:25,273 --> 00:20:27,157
You should go.

545
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,959
Everything okay, babe?

546
00:20:29,961 --> 00:20:32,879
JILL:
I just need a second.

547
00:20:32,881 --> 00:20:34,631
All right.

548
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:38,585
Bacon's ready.

549
00:20:38,587 --> 00:20:40,953
I'm sorry.

550
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,492
Damn you, Probst.

551
00:20:46,376 --> 00:20:48,727
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

552
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,000
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