1
00:00:07,260 --> 00:00:08,978
Oh.
2
00:00:10,897 --> 00:00:12,598
What are you doing, Alan?
3
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,067
Gazing at you
in the morning light.
4
00:00:15,069 --> 00:00:16,469
Aw, that's sweet.
5
00:00:16,471 --> 00:00:18,037
And creepy.
6
00:00:18,039 --> 00:00:19,822
I just... I
can't remember
7
00:00:19,824 --> 00:00:21,907
the last time we woke up together.
(chuckles)
8
00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:23,626
And we're not the only two up.
9
00:00:23,628 --> 00:00:26,045
Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.
10
00:00:26,047 --> 00:00:27,780
That's just creepy.
11
00:00:27,782 --> 00:00:28,947
Where you going?
12
00:00:28,949 --> 00:00:30,499
I have to pick Larry up
from the airport.
13
00:00:30,501 --> 00:00:33,452
Oh, have Larry take a cab
and stay here with me.
14
00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:35,721
I'll even give you $50
for the fare.
15
00:00:35,723 --> 00:00:38,674
(both laugh)
16
00:00:38,676 --> 00:00:41,177
All right, all right,
I'll walk you out.
17
00:00:41,179 --> 00:00:43,729
Let me just tuck the old
rooster back in the barn.
18
00:00:43,731 --> 00:00:44,963
(grunts)
19
00:00:46,099 --> 00:00:48,100
Oh.
20
00:00:48,102 --> 00:00:49,935
Oh. Hi.
21
00:00:49,937 --> 00:00:52,521
Jenny, this is Lyndsey.
22
00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:54,690
This is Lyndsey, too.
It's Leslie.
23
00:00:54,692 --> 00:00:58,077
Oh, that's a pretty name.
24
00:00:59,613 --> 00:01:02,248
I really enjoyed
myself last night.
25
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:06,619
Well, I really enjoyed myself
watching you enjoy yourself.
26
00:01:06,621 --> 00:01:08,270
Oh. Wow.
27
00:01:08,272 --> 00:01:10,623
Got a little traffic jam here.
28
00:01:10,625 --> 00:01:13,843
"Pretty lady pileup
on the PCH in Malibu.
29
00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:16,962
I know at least one of them
was rear-ended."
30
00:01:18,998 --> 00:01:20,883
Sorry, girls.
31
00:01:20,885 --> 00:01:23,335
This one's mine.
32
00:01:23,337 --> 00:01:24,770
I'll see you.
Okay. Bye.
33
00:01:25,555 --> 00:01:28,057
Call me.
Call me.
34
00:01:28,059 --> 00:01:30,359
Call me.
(door shuts)
35
00:01:30,361 --> 00:01:32,177
I'm not calling.
36
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,063
I'm not calling.
37
00:01:34,065 --> 00:01:36,181
She's not calling.
38
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:38,617
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
39
00:01:38,619 --> 00:01:41,098
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
40
00:01:41,099 --> 00:01:43,299
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x05 ♪
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
Original Air Date on October 24, 2013
41
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:48,300
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*
42
00:01:45,326 --> 00:01:47,777
(moaning)
Ow. Ow.
43
00:01:47,779 --> 00:01:50,248
Okay, okay. This is ridiculous.
Why can't we go to a hotel?
44
00:01:50,249 --> 00:01:51,682
Are you gonna spring for a room?
45
00:01:51,684 --> 00:01:54,518
Traditionally, the mistress
does not pay.
46
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,586
I'm sorry. I just don't
have a lot of time,
47
00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:58,622
and I have a lot
of other errands to run.
48
00:01:58,624 --> 00:02:00,023
So I'm just an errand?
49
00:02:00,025 --> 00:02:03,093
No. But you are
on my to-do list.
50
00:02:03,095 --> 00:02:05,595
So what do you say we do it
in the backseat?
51
00:02:05,597 --> 00:02:08,098
Really? I'd say
you're usually drunk
52
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,717
before you let me do...
Alan.
53
00:02:10,719 --> 00:02:13,437
I'm talking about the backseat
of the car.
54
00:02:13,439 --> 00:02:15,171
Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.
55
00:02:15,173 --> 00:02:17,891
Oh, there's a box of stuff
back here.
56
00:02:17,893 --> 00:02:19,893
Just shove that junk
in the trunk.
57
00:02:20,845 --> 00:02:22,913
I'm getting a lot
of mixed messages here.
58
00:02:23,564 --> 00:02:25,115
Wh-What is this stuff anyway?
59
00:02:25,117 --> 00:02:26,366
Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.
60
00:02:26,368 --> 00:02:28,568
I'm giving them to Goodwill
after I squeeze you in.
61
00:02:30,020 --> 00:02:31,455
I did that one on purpose.
62
00:02:32,707 --> 00:02:35,492
Mmm. This is nice stuff.
63
00:02:35,494 --> 00:02:37,327
I have to bring some stuff
to Goodwill.
64
00:02:37,329 --> 00:02:38,795
Why don't I just take this, too?
65
00:02:38,797 --> 00:02:40,363
Really? What do you have
to bring to Goodwill?
66
00:02:40,365 --> 00:02:44,751
Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause
I just got a new wardrobe.
67
00:02:45,753 --> 00:02:48,221
♪ Men. ♪
68
00:02:49,257 --> 00:02:50,390
Morning.
69
00:02:50,392 --> 00:02:52,509
Afternoon.
70
00:02:52,511 --> 00:02:55,362
Oh, thank God. I thought
I was drinking in the morning.
71
00:02:55,364 --> 00:02:56,763
Jenny...
72
00:02:56,765 --> 00:02:59,516
where do you see yourself
in five years?
73
00:02:59,518 --> 00:03:02,553
Little house on the beach
in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
74
00:03:02,555 --> 00:03:04,972
Wait, Kate Upton's straight.
75
00:03:04,974 --> 00:03:06,923
Give me two weeks.
76
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:09,143
What I'm saying is,
you didn't just move out here
77
00:03:09,145 --> 00:03:10,894
to party and drink, did you?
78
00:03:10,896 --> 00:03:13,096
Well, I want to be an actress,
so...
79
00:03:13,098 --> 00:03:14,698
yeah.
80
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,234
I mean, seriously, what are you
doing about your career?
81
00:03:17,236 --> 00:03:18,569
Are you looking for an agent?
82
00:03:18,571 --> 00:03:20,053
Are you taking acting classes?
83
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:22,239
Oh, my God. If I squint,
84
00:03:22,241 --> 00:03:26,043
you're, like,
a prettier version of my mom.
85
00:03:26,045 --> 00:03:29,296
I'm pointing out
that it's the middle of the day
86
00:03:29,298 --> 00:03:31,448
and you stl haven't done
a single thing yet.
87
00:03:31,450 --> 00:03:33,584
I could say the same thing
about you.
88
00:03:33,586 --> 00:03:35,469
Oh. There.
89
00:03:35,471 --> 00:03:38,672
I just sold a company
for $25 million.
90
00:03:38,674 --> 00:03:39,823
Really?
91
00:03:39,825 --> 00:03:42,459
No, I bought a Groupon
for Indian food.
92
00:03:42,461 --> 00:03:44,978
But it's still more
than you've done.
93
00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,396
ALAN:
Oh, oh, sorry.
94
00:03:46,398 --> 00:03:48,048
What's that? Oh. Why, yes,
95
00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:51,301
it is a $5,000 Armani suit.
96
00:03:51,303 --> 00:03:55,606
Wow. $5,003 just walked
into the room.
97
00:03:55,608 --> 00:03:57,057
It's one of Larry's old suits.
98
00:03:57,059 --> 00:03:59,610
He was gonna give it to charity,
but I stole it just in time.
99
00:03:59,612 --> 00:04:00,827
(groans)
100
00:04:00,829 --> 00:04:02,746
Alan, you're going to hell.
101
00:04:02,748 --> 00:04:05,549
Yes, but you're going to Heaven,
and I'll just be your plus-one.
102
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:09,753
Sweet. Somebody else
for you to judge.
103
00:04:09,755 --> 00:04:11,288
I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.
104
00:04:13,007 --> 00:04:15,175
You're already having sex
with this guy's girlfriend.
105
00:04:15,177 --> 00:04:16,710
Now you're wearing his clothes?
106
00:04:16,712 --> 00:04:19,296
I know. How awesome am I?
107
00:04:19,298 --> 00:04:21,014
I have a hot blonde girlfriend,
108
00:04:21,016 --> 00:04:22,432
a closet full
of designer clothes
109
00:04:22,434 --> 00:04:23,884
and a beach house.
110
00:04:23,886 --> 00:04:26,553
Where to begin?
111
00:04:26,555 --> 00:04:28,972
Not your girlfriend,
not your clothes
112
00:04:28,974 --> 00:04:31,108
and-- how many times
do I have to say this?--
113
00:04:31,110 --> 00:04:33,277
it's not your beach house.
114
00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:35,529
In fact, if you took away
115
00:04:35,531 --> 00:04:36,863
everything that was
Larry's or mine,
116
00:04:36,865 --> 00:04:39,483
you'd be alone on the street
in your underwear.
117
00:04:39,485 --> 00:04:42,152
Actually, I'd be naked.
118
00:04:43,488 --> 00:04:46,406
Please tell me you're wearing
Larry's underwear and not mine.
119
00:04:46,408 --> 00:04:47,791
Yes, they're Larry's.
120
00:04:47,793 --> 00:04:51,295
Although my bug is a little snug
in his rug.
121
00:04:51,297 --> 00:04:55,048
King to rook four.
Checkmate, Alan's penis.
122
00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:57,634
I don't think
I've ever said this.
123
00:04:57,636 --> 00:05:00,887
In fact, I don't know if anyone
has ever said this, but...
124
00:05:00,889 --> 00:05:04,708
Alan Harper,
you're better than this.
125
00:05:04,710 --> 00:05:06,343
I'm just making the best
of what I've got.
126
00:05:06,345 --> 00:05:07,928
You know,
when life gives you lemons,
127
00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:09,146
you take the lemon's clothes
128
00:05:09,148 --> 00:05:11,014
and have sex
with his girlfriend.
129
00:05:11,016 --> 00:05:14,901
Okay. Where do you see you
and Lyndsey in five years?
130
00:05:14,903 --> 00:05:18,255
JENNY: Don't answer!
It's a trap!
131
00:05:18,257 --> 00:05:22,075
All I'm saying is, is you
deserve a real relationship.
132
00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:23,727
Well, what would you do
if you were in my shoes?
133
00:05:23,729 --> 00:05:26,029
First, I'd give them back
to Larry.
134
00:05:27,565 --> 00:05:29,583
And then I would tell Lyndsey
that things have to change
135
00:05:29,585 --> 00:05:32,068
and I want more, and if she
can't give me what I want,
136
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,837
then I'm not gonna give her
what she wants.
137
00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:35,789
You do know what
she wants, though, right?
138
00:05:35,791 --> 00:05:37,608
Wham, wham, wham.
139
00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:40,644
That was sex.
140
00:05:40,646 --> 00:05:42,379
No, that was sad.
141
00:05:42,381 --> 00:05:43,630
But you know what?
142
00:05:43,632 --> 00:05:45,532
Hey, if you're happy,
then so be it.
143
00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:48,084
No, no, no. You're right.
I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...
144
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:50,971
I want more, you know,
that I'm not just a, you know,
145
00:05:50,973 --> 00:05:52,139
human vibrator.
146
00:05:52,141 --> 00:05:54,691
Although...
how cool would that be?
147
00:05:54,693 --> 00:05:57,778
(buzzing)
148
00:05:57,780 --> 00:06:02,399
How bad must this Larry guy
be in bed?
149
00:06:02,401 --> 00:06:04,267
♪ Men. ♪
150
00:06:04,269 --> 00:06:07,270
(exhales)
That was amazing.
151
00:06:07,272 --> 00:06:10,407
Tell your friends.
(chuckles)
152
00:06:10,409 --> 00:06:12,909
Although, were you buzzing
at one point?
153
00:06:12,911 --> 00:06:13,877
Oh, yeah, sorry.
154
00:06:13,879 --> 00:06:15,245
I was just trying
something new.
155
00:06:15,247 --> 00:06:17,831
No, no, whatever you did
definitely worked.
156
00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:21,385
Alan Harper, pleasing
women since 2003.
157
00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:23,387
That's when I
got divorced.
158
00:06:23,389 --> 00:06:26,173
(chuckles)
You always make me laugh.
159
00:06:26,175 --> 00:06:29,259
If that's the case, then
be with me all the time.
160
00:06:29,261 --> 00:06:30,431
What?
161
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,397
I want you back. I'm tired
of being the other man.
162
00:06:32,398 --> 00:06:35,148
Oh, don't do this.
We're having such a good time.
163
00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:37,901
Exactly. We have the best
sex, I-I make you laugh...
164
00:06:37,903 --> 00:06:40,020
Often simultaneously.
165
00:06:40,022 --> 00:06:42,472
What could Larry possibly
give you that I don't?
166
00:06:42,474 --> 00:06:44,140
There's just something
about him.
167
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,142
You'd have to know him
to understand.
168
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:48,912
He-he satisfies
a different part of me.
169
00:06:48,914 --> 00:06:51,331
Point to it and I'll buzz it.
(sighs)
170
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,667
Alan, I know
this is hard on you.
171
00:06:53,669 --> 00:06:56,036
And, yes, I know
I said "hard on."
172
00:06:56,038 --> 00:06:58,255
I just want to
see more of you.
173
00:06:58,257 --> 00:06:59,873
Okay, how about this?
174
00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:02,426
Larry takes spinning classes
on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
175
00:07:02,428 --> 00:07:03,877
You can see more of me then.
176
00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:05,345
Fine.
177
00:07:05,347 --> 00:07:06,713
But I am not gonna be
178
00:07:06,715 --> 00:07:08,048
at your beck and
call forever.
179
00:07:08,050 --> 00:07:10,166
I have my dignity.
180
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:11,685
That would carry more weight
if you weren't wearing
181
00:07:11,687 --> 00:07:12,719
Larry's underwear.
182
00:07:12,721 --> 00:07:13,887
Well, the joke's on you.
183
00:07:13,889 --> 00:07:16,556
This is Walden's underwear.
184
00:07:18,643 --> 00:07:20,310
♪ Men. ♪
185
00:07:20,312 --> 00:07:22,446
You have a second?
186
00:07:22,448 --> 00:07:23,814
I just finished my second.
187
00:07:23,816 --> 00:07:25,515
What I need is a third.
188
00:07:25,517 --> 00:07:28,034
I will fill your cup,
but I will fill it
189
00:07:28,036 --> 00:07:30,687
with knowledge, potential
and opportunity.
190
00:07:30,689 --> 00:07:35,409
But bourbon makes me feel
smarter, prettier and taller.
191
00:07:36,444 --> 00:07:37,461
What is this?
192
00:07:37,463 --> 00:07:39,746
A friend of mine teaches
an acting class,
193
00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:42,299
and there is a spot for you.
Really?
194
00:07:42,301 --> 00:07:43,450
Yeah, this guy's
the best.
195
00:07:43,452 --> 00:07:45,969
Here, check out
his credits.
196
00:07:45,971 --> 00:07:48,839
CSI, urinating bum
number three.
197
00:07:48,841 --> 00:07:52,392
Dexter, headless
victim number two.
198
00:07:52,394 --> 00:07:54,544
That ain't easy.
199
00:07:54,546 --> 00:07:57,481
Why are you doing this?
200
00:07:57,483 --> 00:07:58,899
'Cause I like you.
201
00:07:58,901 --> 00:08:00,717
And...
202
00:08:00,719 --> 00:08:03,103
I don't want you to wake up
one day and realize
203
00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:05,739
that you've wasted your life and
you have nothing to show for it.
204
00:08:05,741 --> 00:08:07,557
What I'm saying is,
205
00:08:07,559 --> 00:08:10,610
I don't want you
to turn out like Alan.
206
00:08:11,863 --> 00:08:13,914
I don't want two Alans.
207
00:08:13,916 --> 00:08:17,083
I can't have two Alans.
208
00:08:17,085 --> 00:08:19,252
Okay, all right, all right,
all right. Calm down.
209
00:08:19,254 --> 00:08:21,505
I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?
210
00:08:21,507 --> 00:08:23,006
Thank you.
211
00:08:23,008 --> 00:08:24,674
Uh, but you're gonna pay
for it, right?
212
00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:25,742
Oh, it's starting already.
213
00:08:25,744 --> 00:08:27,344
♪ Men. ♪
214
00:08:27,346 --> 00:08:30,246
Alan, Larry's at spin class.
Where are you?
215
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,966
I can't make it. I-I think
I've got food poisoning.
216
00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:34,384
Oh, no. What'd you eat?
217
00:08:34,386 --> 00:08:36,052
Well, I had some crappy crepes,
218
00:08:36,054 --> 00:08:39,473
and now I've got
some crepe-y craps.
219
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:40,924
Oh, that's awful.
220
00:08:40,926 --> 00:08:42,392
I hope you feel better.
221
00:08:42,394 --> 00:08:43,777
Thanks. Me, too.
222
00:08:43,779 --> 00:08:45,612
Tonight I'll be hugging
the toilet,
223
00:08:45,614 --> 00:08:48,064
but I'll be thinking of you.
224
00:08:48,066 --> 00:08:50,233
Bye.
225
00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:58,892
Um, hey, is this bike taken?
226
00:08:58,894 --> 00:09:00,293
Nope, help yourself.
227
00:09:00,295 --> 00:09:02,496
Great. First-timer.
228
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,831
Welcome. I'm Larry.
229
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:08,552
I'm... Jeff.
230
00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:09,920
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
231
00:09:09,922 --> 00:09:11,738
So, you're a newbie, huh?
232
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:13,557
Well, yeah, how
hard can it be?
233
00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:15,225
It's just riding a bike.
(grunts)
234
00:09:15,227 --> 00:09:16,343
Hey.
235
00:09:16,345 --> 00:09:19,429
I used to have
those same exact shoes.
236
00:09:19,431 --> 00:09:22,098
Even had a hole
in the same spot.
237
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,466
(chuckles)
238
00:09:23,468 --> 00:09:25,769
Well, I've got my eye
on the ones you're wearing.
239
00:09:25,771 --> 00:09:27,938
♪ Men. ♪
240
00:09:30,402 --> 00:09:33,821
(upbeat dance music playing)
241
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,656
Isn't this great?
242
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,276
Kill me!
243
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,577
You got this.
244
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,479
The only thing I've got
is a blister
245
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:44,749
in the space
between my balls and my ass.
246
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:45,950
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit!
247
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,135
You can do it!
248
00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:48,086
I can't.
249
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,253
Yes, you can!
250
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,872
You can keep it up
for a few more seconds!
251
00:09:51,874 --> 00:09:54,542
(panting)
I'm doing it!
252
00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:57,261
I'm doing it! It's working!
253
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,097
I'm a maniac!
254
00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:01,682
I'm a maniac!
255
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,551
Attaboy. Don't go soft on me!
256
00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:04,736
Finish strong!
257
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,938
(song ends)
258
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:10,558
Whew.
259
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,610
I was pedaling
toward the light.
260
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,112
It was so beautiful.
261
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,997
My pop-pop was there.
262
00:10:15,999 --> 00:10:17,582
He was smoking his pipe.
263
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:20,701
It smelled like cinnamon
and cherries.
264
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,171
Come on. Let's get you
off this bike, Jeff.
265
00:10:23,173 --> 00:10:25,289
Who's Jeff?
266
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,740
Boy, you really are
out of it.
267
00:10:26,742 --> 00:10:28,259
Come on, we'll get you
some water.
268
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,128
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're still clipped in there!
269
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,212
Pop-Pop, help!
270
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,764
Don't worry.
I got you. I got you.
271
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,599
Oh. You're so strong.
272
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,301
I feel so safe.
273
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,886
That was so much
harder than I thought.
274
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:39,854
But you did it.
275
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,922
Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you.
276
00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:43,107
Nice job, Larry.
277
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:45,092
See you Thursday?
You know it.
278
00:10:46,061 --> 00:10:48,196
I can see why you like
these cycling classes.
279
00:10:48,198 --> 00:10:51,115
Wouldn't mind taking her
on a Tour de Pants. (chuckles)
280
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:54,068
That's funny. But I actually
got a girlfriend.
281
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,486
Hey, I've got towels at home.
282
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,771
Doesn't mean I'm not taking
a couple of these with me.
283
00:10:57,773 --> 00:10:59,607
No, Lyndsey's great.
Oh.
284
00:10:59,609 --> 00:11:02,043
I know what it's like to have
a girl you're crazy about.
285
00:11:02,045 --> 00:11:04,045
I had a girl
I would have killed for.
286
00:11:05,047 --> 00:11:07,298
You ever kill anybody, Larry?
287
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,333
You're... you're hilarious.
288
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:10,635
Yeah, I-I actually did dabble
289
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,470
in stand-up comedy
back in the '80s.
290
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,807
I-I had this one bit
about Nixon working in a diner.
291
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,124
I am not a cook.
292
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:18,342
(laughs)
293
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,228
The '80s?
What, were you, like, five?
294
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:21,646
(phone ringing)
295
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,130
Wow.
296
00:11:23,132 --> 00:11:25,433
There really is something
about him.
297
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,185
Uh, do you need
to answer that?
298
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,569
No, it's just
a work call.
299
00:11:28,571 --> 00:11:31,823
Wait. Does that say...
does that say "Billy Joel"?
300
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,241
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I manage musicians,
301
00:11:33,243 --> 00:11:35,092
so I'm trying to sign him,
but I'll call him back.
302
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:36,093
I'm talking to you.
303
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:38,112
But he's a rock star.
304
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,413
Rock stars aren't so impressive
305
00:11:39,415 --> 00:11:41,482
when they've had a bottle
of white, a bottle of red
306
00:11:41,484 --> 00:11:42,950
and they're peeing
in your koi pond.
307
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,869
What do you do, Jeff?
308
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,938
Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor.
309
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,756
Just a chiropractor?
310
00:11:48,758 --> 00:11:50,124
Your hands heal.
311
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,509
You know what these hands do?
312
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:54,595
They roll over drummers before
they choke on their own vomit.
313
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:58,299
I make people fart when
I press down on their backs.
314
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,601
(laughs)
Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie.
315
00:12:00,603 --> 00:12:02,019
You want to...?
Oh, I should probably head...
316
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:03,804
My treat.
...over to the smoothie bar
317
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,473
with my new friend Larry.
318
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,592
I swear, I had
that same shirt, too.
319
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:10,611
Looks like we're into a
lot of the same things.
320
00:12:12,614 --> 00:12:15,716
♪ Men. ♪
321
00:12:15,718 --> 00:12:16,868
Hey.
322
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,819
Whoa! Where were you?
323
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:21,372
Lance Armstrong's gay
Halloween party?
324
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,775
Very funny.
325
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:25,910
Wait.
326
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,045
Is that a thing?
Did you get invited?
327
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,198
No. Where were you?
328
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,583
Oh, I was at spin class
with Lyndsey's boyfriend.
329
00:12:34,686 --> 00:12:38,372
Should I ask why or just wait
to see it on 48 Hours?
330
00:12:38,374 --> 00:12:42,543
I simply wanted to find out
what he's got that I don't.
331
00:12:42,545 --> 00:12:47,265
Other than... mental health,
pride and his own underwear?
332
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,734
That's just it.
He does have it all.
333
00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:51,986
I can totally see
why Lyndsey loves him.
334
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,321
He's-he's kind, he's generous,
335
00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,823
he's got a smile
that lights up a juice bar.
336
00:12:55,825 --> 00:12:58,776
And-and the kicker is,
he likes me.
337
00:13:00,445 --> 00:13:02,413
And did his smile light up
338
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,333
when you told him
you were plowing his girlfriend?
339
00:13:05,335 --> 00:13:08,869
No. Alan is plowing
his girlfriend.
340
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,505
Larry's friend, Jeff,
will be joining him
341
00:13:11,507 --> 00:13:14,342
in his luxury box at
the Laker game tomorrow night.
342
00:13:14,344 --> 00:13:16,327
(laughs)
343
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,245
I-I just have to cancel
my plans with Lyndsey.
344
00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:20,214
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
345
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,934
You're telling me you would
rather spend the evening
346
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,303
in Larry's box?
347
00:13:27,222 --> 00:13:29,640
Hey.
Hey. How'd the acting class go?
348
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,808
It was great.
349
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,026
We did this improv exercise
350
00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:33,945
where I had to pretend
to be high.
351
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,113
I nailed it.
352
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,032
Oh, uh, you know,
in college, uh,
353
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,533
I-I did a little
musical theatre.
354
00:13:39,535 --> 00:13:40,952
And the winner
355
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:44,038
for the least surprising
sentence ever goes to...
356
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,906
Alan Harper!
357
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,875
Scoff if you will, but, uh,
358
00:13:47,877 --> 00:13:49,460
I actually starred in
our production of Cats.
359
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:52,913
And the new winner for least
surprising sentence ever...
360
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,783
Okay, I will have you know
that the campus newspaper said
361
00:13:55,785 --> 00:13:57,451
that my portrayal
of Rum Tum Tugger
362
00:13:57,453 --> 00:13:59,637
was purrfect.
363
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,256
I've never seen Cats.
364
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,391
You've never seen...?
365
00:14:03,393 --> 00:14:08,012
♪ The Rum Tum Tugger
is a curious cat. ♪
366
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,232
Well, if you're coming
out of the closet,
367
00:14:11,234 --> 00:14:13,467
come out dancing.
368
00:14:13,469 --> 00:14:15,186
♪ Men. ♪
369
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:19,106
Boy, this really makes you
feel like a man, doesn't it?
370
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:23,527
Basketball, cheerleaders,
a crisp Pinot Noir.
371
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,496
There's beer in the fridge, too.
372
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,865
What? And undo all
that spinning? Oh, no.
373
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,284
A second on the lips,
a month on the hips.
374
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,502
(laughs)
375
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,821
Did you ever do this
gay character in your stand-up?
376
00:14:33,823 --> 00:14:37,842
Yeah. It was a real
crowd-pleaser.
377
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,678
I, uh... I also do a-a
character who's really cheap.
378
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,664
(laughs) "Hey, is everything here
free? Even those shrimp""
379
00:14:43,666 --> 00:14:44,998
Nice.
380
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,518
If I kept going,
I'd say, "Hey, uh,
381
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,687
can I get a to-go container?"
382
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,722
Help yourself, you cheap queer.
383
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,891
(laughs)
384
00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:58,446
Hey, uh, can I get
a to-go container?
385
00:15:07,572 --> 00:15:09,457
(laughs)
386
00:15:09,459 --> 00:15:13,077
Hope we don't end up
on the Kiss Cam.
387
00:15:15,196 --> 00:15:17,998
I've been told
my kisses are like French fries.
388
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,533
Can't stop with just one.
389
00:15:19,535 --> 00:15:20,968
(laughs)
390
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,891
LARRY: Lyndsey, what
a surprise!
391
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:29,710
Lyndsey?
392
00:15:29,712 --> 00:15:31,178
Hey, sweetie.
My plans fell through.
393
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,730
Well, now you
can meet Jeff.
394
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,048
Jeff, this is my
girlfriend Lyndsey.
395
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:39,052
He's always joking
around. Get over here!
396
00:15:43,325 --> 00:15:45,025
Hi.
397
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,611
Hi. So, this is the guy
398
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,396
you were telling me about?
399
00:15:49,398 --> 00:15:51,699
Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it?
400
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,584
Uh-huh.
401
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:56,787
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
402
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,673
This is Jeff.
Jeff Strongman.
403
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:07,431
Strongman?
That's uniqu aname.
404
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:09,183
Uh, it's-it's German.
405
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,635
Uh, it's actually pronounced
Strungmin.
406
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,853
(clears throat)
407
00:16:12,855 --> 00:16:16,089
Strungmin?
Mmm.
408
00:16:16,091 --> 00:16:18,425
It almost sounds
made up, doesn't it?
409
00:16:18,427 --> 00:16:21,195
Yeah, well, it's not,
so shut up.
410
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,117
Sweetie, it-it's cold in here.
411
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,936
I think I left a jacket
in the car. Would you mind?
412
00:16:28,938 --> 00:16:30,771
Of course.
(laughs)
413
00:16:30,773 --> 00:16:33,624
Hey, I can trust you alone
with my girlfriend, right?
414
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:38,162
If you can't, then my name's not
Jeff Strungmin.
415
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,300
(door closes)
416
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:44,802
What the hell is
going on, Jeff?
417
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,887
Are you trying to
break me and Larry up?
418
00:16:46,889 --> 00:16:49,256
No, I would never
do that to Larry.
419
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,792
Then what are
you doing here?
420
00:16:51,794 --> 00:16:54,345
I just... I wanted to figure out
what Larry has that I don't
421
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,763
so that I could be
more like him,
422
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:56,981
and then you'd come
back to me.
423
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,016
Look, I already
have a Larry.
424
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,936
If you turned into Larry,
I'd have to find another Alan.
425
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,804
Really?
Yes, you idiot!
426
00:17:03,806 --> 00:17:05,072
Don't you get it?
427
00:17:05,074 --> 00:17:07,658
No man has ever turned
me on like you do.
428
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,995
It's a gift and a curse.
429
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:13,197
Shut up.
430
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:15,533
I'll stop talking,
but I won't stop...
431
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,601
(imitates buzzing)
No, stop it.
432
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:18,752
(imitates buzzg)
433
00:17:18,754 --> 00:17:20,104
I'm still mad at you!
434
00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:21,272
Well, I don't blame you.
435
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,489
I have been very naughty.
436
00:17:22,491 --> 00:17:24,542
Perhaps I should be punished.
437
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,126
Let's go.
438
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,178
What...? Wait. Where?
439
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,629
We'll do it in
the bathroom.
440
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:29,797
Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
441
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:31,799
Beats the hell
out of the Kiss Cam.
442
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,687
♪ Men. ♪
443
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,222
Hey.
444
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,390
Hey.
445
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,858
How did the acting class go?
446
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,193
I didn't go.
447
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,644
(loudly):
Liar!
448
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:47,231
I talked to my friend,
and he said you didn't go,
449
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,450
so admit it!
450
00:17:50,285 --> 00:17:52,486
I just did.
451
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,954
I know!
452
00:17:53,956 --> 00:17:57,041
And I wasn't prepared for that.
453
00:17:57,043 --> 00:18:00,211
I went to the first class,
but it was lame.
454
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:03,196
It doesn't meant that you're not
gonna learn something from it.
455
00:18:03,198 --> 00:18:06,366
Do you think that I just said,
"Oh, I have a software idea
456
00:18:06,368 --> 00:18:09,053
and I'm gonna sell it for
a billion dollars the next day"?
457
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:12,223
I Googled you.
That is what happened.
458
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,541
The point is, is that,
if-if that hadn't happened,
459
00:18:14,543 --> 00:18:16,877
I would have been willing
to work for it.
460
00:18:16,879 --> 00:18:18,345
Look, I-I get it,
461
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,148
but all this touchy-feely stuff
just freaks me out.
462
00:18:21,150 --> 00:18:23,517
Half the reason
I got into acting
463
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,519
was so I could pretend
to be someone else,
464
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,488
not so I could spend time
thinking about
465
00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,657
how I don't
get along with my mom.
466
00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:32,159
And how I never knew my father.
467
00:18:32,161 --> 00:18:33,661
How I'm 25 years old
468
00:18:33,663 --> 00:18:37,248
and living in the guest room
of a stranger's house.
469
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,866
(sighs)
470
00:18:38,568 --> 00:18:40,568
I'm sorry.
471
00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:43,604
I didn't mean
to stir all this up. I just...
472
00:18:43,606 --> 00:18:46,958
And that's why
I don't need acting lessons.
473
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:51,796
You know what?
474
00:18:52,581 --> 00:18:53,748
If you don't want
475
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:57,335
to help yourself,
I can't force you.
476
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:00,254
But the choices
that you make today
477
00:19:00,256 --> 00:19:03,290
are going to affect you
for the rest of your life.
478
00:19:03,292 --> 00:19:05,793
And as long as you live
under my roof...
479
00:19:05,795 --> 00:19:07,478
Oh, God, kill me.
480
00:19:08,913 --> 00:19:10,898
♪ Men. ♪
481
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,899
(moaning)
482
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,385
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
483
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:15,903
The only thing
I can feel in your pants
484
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,021
is the shrimp that you stole.
485
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,073
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
just nervous.
486
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,858
Can you do this or not?
487
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,126
I don't think so.
488
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:23,911
I mean, what would Larry say?
489
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,580
LARRY:
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit.
490
00:19:27,616 --> 00:19:29,450
What?
491
00:19:29,452 --> 00:19:30,818
I didn't say anything.
492
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:32,586
LARRY:
You can do it.
493
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,154
Yes, you can.
494
00:19:34,156 --> 00:19:36,824
You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
495
00:19:36,826 --> 00:19:37,842
Really?
496
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,260
LARRY:
Attaboy.
497
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,928
Don't go soft on me.
498
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,963
Go, Jeff, go.
499
00:19:42,965 --> 00:19:44,682
Oh, Alan.
500
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,800
Call me Jeff.
501
00:19:45,802 --> 00:19:48,340
♪ Men. ♪
502
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,751
♪ Men. ♪
503
00:19:55,504 --> 00:19:57,772
Guess who got an audition.
504
00:19:57,774 --> 00:19:58,756
Really?
505
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:00,041
Yep.
506
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,043
That's amazing.
Tell me about it.
507
00:20:02,045 --> 00:20:04,879
Well, I went back
to the acting class.
508
00:20:04,881 --> 00:20:06,163
(chuckles)
509
00:20:06,165 --> 00:20:07,765
Isn't that funny?
510
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,685
The thing I suggested you do
511
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:12,654
that you didn't want to do
512
00:20:12,656 --> 00:20:15,740
turned out to be the exact thing
that you should have done.
513
00:20:15,742 --> 00:20:18,943
Yeah, well, after about an hour
of that acting crap,
514
00:20:18,945 --> 00:20:20,361
I had to go get a drink.
515
00:20:20,363 --> 00:20:22,513
So, I bailed
and went to a bar
516
00:20:22,515 --> 00:20:23,982
where I met a casting director.
517
00:20:23,984 --> 00:20:27,184
Turned out she was a lesbian,
so I had a leg up.
518
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:30,655
And when I put it down,
I had an audition.
519
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:34,409
♪ Men. ♪
520
00:20:34,411 --> 00:20:36,911
Oh.
521
00:20:38,998 --> 00:20:41,198
You have got to stop doing that.
522
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,569
And you have to stop looking
so pretty when you sleep.
523
00:20:44,571 --> 00:20:46,638
Okay, I heard it that
time. It was creepy.
524
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,223
You know what? I don't have
to go anywhere today.
525
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:50,270
Really?
Yeah.
526
00:20:50,295 --> 00:20:52,295
Larry's got a friend
picking him up at the airport.
527
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,904
Oh, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
528
00:20:57,505 --> 00:21:00,005
♪ Men. ♪
529
00:21:00,106 --> 00:21:02,106
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*