1
00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:05,129
(footsteps approach)
2
00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,697
You, uh, got a minute, boss?
3
00:00:06,699 --> 00:00:08,098
Actually, I'm kind of busy.
4
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,035
I'm pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.
5
00:00:11,037 --> 00:00:12,586
"I am from the future.
6
00:00:12,588 --> 00:00:14,989
I am a handsome robot."
7
00:00:14,991 --> 00:00:16,624
Look, I-I wouldn't
bother you with this
8
00:00:16,626 --> 00:00:17,858
if I didn't think
it was important.
9
00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:19,310
Okay. Just make it quick.
10
00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:20,444
That's my specialty.
11
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:21,878
Ask any woman
I've ever been with.
12
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,838
I will call them both.
13
00:00:27,102 --> 00:00:28,085
What do you got?
14
00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:31,122
Behold your new
15
00:00:31,124 --> 00:00:32,440
coffee mug.
16
00:00:32,442 --> 00:00:34,625
(imitates crowd cheering)
17
00:00:34,627 --> 00:00:36,510
What?
18
00:00:36,512 --> 00:00:38,579
Remember? You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.
19
00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:39,597
What do you think?
20
00:00:39,599 --> 00:00:41,382
Well, there's a hole on the top
21
00:00:41,384 --> 00:00:42,550
and no hole on the bottom.
22
00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:43,684
Nailed it.
23
00:00:43,686 --> 00:00:44,735
Thanks.
24
00:00:44,737 --> 00:00:45,903
Uh, so, uh, what do you want
written on it?
25
00:00:45,905 --> 00:00:47,488
Written on it?
26
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:48,506
Uh, your choices are
27
00:00:48,508 --> 00:00:50,174
"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."
28
00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,293
I don't know. Just...
Joe.
29
00:00:52,295 --> 00:00:53,460
Excellent choice.
30
00:00:53,462 --> 00:00:56,013
Although... what if
you hire a guy named Joe?
31
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,815
I-I think the temptation
for these mugs
32
00:00:57,817 --> 00:00:59,850
to walk out the door
is a little too high.
33
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,836
Fine.
Just write "Coffee" on it.
34
00:01:01,838 --> 00:01:03,470
Great!
Uh, coffee in the mug,
35
00:01:03,472 --> 00:01:05,556
and coffee on the mug.
Love it!
36
00:01:05,558 --> 00:01:06,557
Oh, uh...
37
00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:07,908
but, uh, let me run
this past you:
38
00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:10,411
"Java the Mug."
39
00:01:11,747 --> 00:01:14,081
You know, because of Star Wars.
40
00:01:14,083 --> 00:01:14,915
Stop!
41
00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:16,250
Right.
Right.
42
00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:17,702
You're busy.
(laughs)
43
00:01:17,704 --> 00:01:19,003
Oh! Uh, one
last thing.
44
00:01:19,005 --> 00:01:20,738
Oh, good God!
Alan,
45
00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:22,089
I hired you as my assistant
46
00:01:22,091 --> 00:01:23,924
so I don't have to think
about things like this.
47
00:01:23,926 --> 00:01:24,875
Oh, yeah, I know,
48
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,277
but I want to do
a good job for you.
49
00:01:26,279 --> 00:01:27,762
I mean, you're gonna look
at this every day
50
00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:28,996
and I don't want you
to hate it.
51
00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:30,381
That does happen with things
52
00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:31,999
I look at every day.
53
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:34,185
Okay, so one
final question:
54
00:01:34,187 --> 00:01:37,104
do you want your mug to be
left-handed or right-handed?
55
00:01:40,442 --> 00:01:41,959
You're kidding, right?
56
00:01:41,961 --> 00:01:43,878
No, some people hold 'em
in their left hand,
57
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,480
some people hold 'em
in their right hand.
58
00:01:47,699 --> 00:01:49,900
Mm-hmm.
59
00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:55,973
(dramatic gasp)
Wow.
60
00:01:55,975 --> 00:01:57,525
Okay. Okay.
61
00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:59,777
Changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"
62
00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:01,679
to "World's Smartest Boss."
Okay.
63
00:02:01,681 --> 00:02:03,114
I'm gonna go pee.
64
00:02:03,116 --> 00:02:04,965
Oh, oh, as long as you're
in the bathroom, uh,
65
00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,885
I left three different types of
toilet tissue in there for you.
66
00:02:07,887 --> 00:02:10,304
Uh, let me know
which one is best.
67
00:02:10,306 --> 00:02:14,225
Oh! And the brown one
is not a joke.
68
00:02:14,227 --> 00:02:16,060
"Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."
69
00:02:16,062 --> 00:02:19,397
You know what your mug should
say? "World's Worst Employee."
70
00:02:22,084 --> 00:02:24,916
Oh, World's Second
Worst Employee.
71
00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:28,917
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x03 ♪
This Unblessed Biscuit
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013
72
00:02:28,942 --> 00:02:33,942
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19
73
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,906
Hey, nap time's over.
74
00:02:36,908 --> 00:02:38,141
I'm not napping.
75
00:02:38,143 --> 00:02:39,776
I threw my back out.
76
00:02:39,778 --> 00:02:41,544
My God, are you okay?
What happened?
77
00:02:41,546 --> 00:02:45,648
It seized up when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.
78
00:02:45,650 --> 00:02:48,318
Okay, uh,
everything's gonna be okay.
79
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,486
Just... relax.
80
00:02:49,488 --> 00:02:50,987
Alan, get up here!
81
00:02:50,989 --> 00:02:52,322
Why are you calling Zippy?
82
00:02:52,324 --> 00:02:53,957
He's a chiropractor--
he can help.
83
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:55,258
(laughs)
Oh, stop.
84
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:58,061
It hurts when I laugh.
(chuckles) Oh.
85
00:02:58,063 --> 00:02:59,996
Has this happened before?
86
00:02:59,998 --> 00:03:02,365
Once. At a bike rally
in Sturgis.
87
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:05,335
Me and a couple of Hells Angels
decided to drop acid
88
00:03:05,337 --> 00:03:07,070
and get naked.
89
00:03:07,538 --> 00:03:09,739
Alan!
90
00:03:09,741 --> 00:03:11,040
What's going on?
91
00:03:11,042 --> 00:03:12,408
Is something wrong?
92
00:03:12,410 --> 00:03:13,710
Berta threw her back out.
93
00:03:13,712 --> 00:03:15,478
Oh, no. What should we do?
94
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,046
Well, I called
a chiropractor.
95
00:03:17,048 --> 00:03:18,615
Great.
96
00:03:19,817 --> 00:03:21,518
Oh, me! Oh...
97
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:22,652
Duh.
(chuckles)
98
00:03:22,654 --> 00:03:24,387
Well, uh, let's see
what we got here.
99
00:03:24,389 --> 00:03:25,522
Where's the pain?
100
00:03:25,524 --> 00:03:28,424
Standing in front of me
asking stupid questions.
101
00:03:28,426 --> 00:03:30,560
Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.
102
00:03:30,562 --> 00:03:32,695
(laughing):
Oh. Oh.
103
00:03:32,697 --> 00:03:34,063
Yes, yes, ha-ha.
104
00:03:34,065 --> 00:03:35,532
But I can help you.
105
00:03:35,534 --> 00:03:37,634
Although I am legally
obligated to tell you
106
00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:38,935
my license has expired.
107
00:03:38,937 --> 00:03:40,753
But thankfully backs
haven't changed that much
108
00:03:40,755 --> 00:03:43,139
since my unsuccessful
board review. (chuckles)
109
00:03:43,141 --> 00:03:45,124
So, uh, you can't
move at all?
110
00:03:45,126 --> 00:03:47,060
Every time I do,
it tightens up more.
111
00:03:47,062 --> 00:03:48,595
Oh, sounds
like a classic back spasm.
112
00:03:48,597 --> 00:03:50,697
You probably just need
bed rest and ice, uh,
113
00:03:50,699 --> 00:03:53,233
but, just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.
114
00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:55,134
Touch me and you die.
115
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:58,688
(quietly): She may also need
an attitude adjustment.
116
00:03:58,690 --> 00:04:01,608
Okay, I'll call my doctor and
have him come take a look.
117
00:04:01,610 --> 00:04:04,310
(scoffs) Western medicine. He'll probably
just prescribe pain killers.
118
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,612
Call him.
119
00:04:05,614 --> 00:04:07,897
I will. In
the meantime,
120
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,315
you stay here as
long as you need.
121
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,533
I'll take the guest room.
122
00:04:10,535 --> 00:04:13,836
Why? My back's out
but my front still works.
123
00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:17,423
Be like Sturgis all over again.
124
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,626
(chuckles)
Oh...
125
00:04:21,378 --> 00:04:22,712
Morning.
126
00:04:22,714 --> 00:04:24,347
Hey.
127
00:04:24,349 --> 00:04:26,599
Hey, were you alone last night?
128
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:27,617
Yeah, why?
129
00:04:27,619 --> 00:04:30,937
Because from 11:15 to 11:22,
130
00:04:30,939 --> 00:04:33,022
all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,
131
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:35,975
that's the way Daddy likes it."
132
00:04:36,794 --> 00:04:40,863
Oh, um...
133
00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:43,816
Uh, right, the-the walls
are really thin,
134
00:04:43,818 --> 00:04:45,868
uh, between my bedroom
and the guest room,
135
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:48,288
and I-I was watching TV.
136
00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:49,589
Hmm.
137
00:04:49,591 --> 00:04:52,592
So the same show
came on again at 1:30
138
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,477
and then again at 4:15?
139
00:04:54,479 --> 00:04:56,329
Huh.
(scoffs)
140
00:04:56,331 --> 00:04:58,715
Weird.
(chuckles)
141
00:04:58,717 --> 00:05:00,316
Can I ask you something?
142
00:05:00,318 --> 00:05:01,301
Mm-hmm.
143
00:05:01,303 --> 00:05:04,137
What is wrong with Daddy?
144
00:05:04,139 --> 00:05:06,839
He's lonely, okay?
145
00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:08,925
Can you just let it go?
146
00:05:08,927 --> 00:05:11,043
I should ask you
the same question.
147
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,480
What are you doing?
148
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,182
Well, since Berta
is incapacitated,
149
00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:19,402
I have taken the initiative to
design and build a chore wheel.
150
00:05:19,404 --> 00:05:20,720
What is a chore wheel?
151
00:05:20,722 --> 00:05:23,439
It is a wheel with a variety
of chores on the outside
152
00:05:23,441 --> 00:05:24,991
and names on the inside.
153
00:05:24,993 --> 00:05:26,526
I got the idea
from my brother Charlie,
154
00:05:26,528 --> 00:05:28,328
who had a whore wheel.
155
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,515
The only name on it is "Walden""
156
00:05:32,517 --> 00:05:36,319
Ah, that's because it was my
chore to make the chore wheel.
157
00:05:36,321 --> 00:05:38,004
And your
first chore
158
00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:39,455
is...
159
00:05:39,457 --> 00:05:40,907
"cleaning Alan's room."
160
00:05:40,909 --> 00:05:42,291
(sucks air through teeth)
Ooh.
161
00:05:42,293 --> 00:05:45,611
That's gonna be tough
after last night.
162
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:49,248
Maybe you should
have Daddy do it.
163
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:55,388
Whoa, somebody found my stash.
164
00:05:55,390 --> 00:05:57,590
Wasn't hard.
It was right here in this box
165
00:05:57,592 --> 00:06:00,843
that says "Not Pot."
(chuckles)
166
00:06:00,845 --> 00:06:02,562
Very clever.
167
00:06:02,564 --> 00:06:04,397
I didn't want anybody
to find my pot.
168
00:06:04,399 --> 00:06:05,782
I was about to write, uh,
169
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:08,951
"This Box Contains
Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"
170
00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:11,154
but then I thought,
"What if this magic marker
171
00:06:11,156 --> 00:06:13,072
"is actually magic
and it turns my pot
172
00:06:13,074 --> 00:06:15,625
into poisonous jumping bugs?"
173
00:06:15,627 --> 00:06:17,377
(chuckles)
174
00:06:17,379 --> 00:06:18,944
I was really high.
175
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,130
Uh, you know, I-I really
don't think it's a good idea
176
00:06:21,132 --> 00:06:23,449
to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.
177
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,051
Oh, those pills are long gone.
178
00:06:25,053 --> 00:06:27,170
What? You had a good
two weeks' worth.
179
00:06:27,172 --> 00:06:29,589
Or a great one night's worth.
(chuckles)
180
00:06:29,591 --> 00:06:31,574
Oh, bacon.
181
00:06:31,576 --> 00:06:34,160
You guys take
such good care of me.
182
00:06:34,162 --> 00:06:35,945
That's because
you take good care of us.
183
00:06:35,947 --> 00:06:38,765
That's because I love you guys.
184
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:40,817
I love you more. Shh!
185
00:06:40,819 --> 00:06:42,668
How's your back feeling?
186
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,303
Actually, a lot better.
187
00:06:44,305 --> 00:06:46,522
I think I'm ready
to go back to work.
188
00:06:46,524 --> 00:06:47,940
Oh, really?
So you can get up?
189
00:06:47,942 --> 00:06:50,026
Absolutely.
(chuckles)
190
00:06:50,028 --> 00:06:52,011
Am I up?
191
00:06:52,013 --> 00:06:53,012
No.
192
00:06:53,014 --> 00:06:54,764
Damn.
193
00:06:54,766 --> 00:06:56,599
How 'bout now?
194
00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,619
Yep, looking good.
195
00:06:59,621 --> 00:07:01,404
Told you.
196
00:07:01,406 --> 00:07:04,624
Hey! Bacon!
197
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,514
Why do these have windows?
198
00:07:13,951 --> 00:07:15,051
I don't need to see inside.
199
00:07:15,053 --> 00:07:18,087
I trust 'em to wash
and dry the clothes.
200
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,639
You know,
when you think about it,
201
00:07:19,641 --> 00:07:21,891
a lot of appliances
have windows.
202
00:07:21,893 --> 00:07:23,175
Ovens,
203
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:24,944
microwaves.
204
00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:29,932
Wait a minute. Are we watching
them or are they watching us?
205
00:07:29,934 --> 00:07:32,852
Got a little contact high
in there with Berta,
206
00:07:32,854 --> 00:07:34,987
did you?
Shh!
207
00:07:34,989 --> 00:07:36,856
(whispers):
Not in front of the washer.
208
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,911
Hey, how old do you think
Berta is anyway?
209
00:07:41,913 --> 00:07:44,997
I don't even know
her last name.
210
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:48,851
You know, I'm just thinkin',
I mean, she hurt her back.
211
00:07:48,853 --> 00:07:50,703
It's taking her
a while to recover.
212
00:07:50,705 --> 00:07:53,656
I mean, maybe this job's just
getting to be too much for her.
213
00:07:53,658 --> 00:07:54,540
Really?
214
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,641
Yeah, I don't know.
215
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,893
I mean, she's not getting
any younger,
216
00:07:56,895 --> 00:07:58,895
and it's a pretty
labor-intensive job.
217
00:07:58,897 --> 00:08:03,316
Why in the world do you wear
boys' husky underwear?
218
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,602
Okay, you know how some
people trim the hedges
219
00:08:06,604 --> 00:08:08,354
to make the
tree look bigger?
220
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:19,665
Well, I say stuff the tree
in a smaller yard.
221
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,618
We, when the police
raid the house
222
00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:24,537
and find a drawer full
of boys' underwear,
223
00:08:24,539 --> 00:08:26,589
that's not gonna be good
for any of us.
224
00:08:26,591 --> 00:08:28,341
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
225
00:08:28,343 --> 00:08:32,461
That's why I wrote
"Not Pot" on it.
226
00:08:32,463 --> 00:08:35,331
So are you saying you think
it's time for Berta to retire?
227
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,733
I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.
228
00:08:37,735 --> 00:08:39,919
Mmm, maybe you're right.
229
00:08:39,921 --> 00:08:43,105
Maybe it's time to put
the old girl out to pasture.
230
00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:46,776
Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.
231
00:08:46,778 --> 00:08:49,395
That might not be the best way
to tell her.
232
00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,764
What? The-the farm
is a beautiful place.
233
00:08:51,766 --> 00:08:55,451
She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.
234
00:08:55,453 --> 00:08:58,070
There's sponges
and fabric softener
235
00:08:58,072 --> 00:09:00,540
as far as the eye can see.
236
00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:04,510
And the only dishes left in
the sink are made of chocolate.
237
00:09:04,512 --> 00:09:07,864
I may be a little
stoned, too.
238
00:09:07,866 --> 00:09:11,300
You ever hear
about the roommate farm?
239
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,038
Berta.
240
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,090
We got a little surprise
for you.
241
00:09:18,092 --> 00:09:19,809
Chuck Norris?
242
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,930
Fried chicken,
cheesecake and beer.
243
00:09:23,932 --> 00:09:27,817
That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.
244
00:09:27,819 --> 00:09:29,635
Am I dying?
245
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:30,903
Oh, don't be silly.
246
00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:32,321
Do you like farms?
247
00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:33,689
What?
WALDEN: Oh.
248
00:09:33,691 --> 00:09:37,026
I-I think what he's trying
to say is,
249
00:09:37,028 --> 00:09:41,247
have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?
250
00:09:41,249 --> 00:09:44,600
Raising that vest up
to the rafters?
251
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:47,253
Oh, my God, you're firing me.
252
00:09:47,255 --> 00:09:49,372
(chuckles) No. I-I would
never fire you.
253
00:09:49,374 --> 00:09:50,840
I'm talking about retirement.
254
00:09:50,842 --> 00:09:51,908
Just kicking back,
255
00:09:51,910 --> 00:09:54,010
taking it easy,
getting high every day.
256
00:09:54,012 --> 00:09:55,845
I do that now.
257
00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:59,532
Besides, I can't afford
to retire.
258
00:09:59,534 --> 00:10:01,584
Well, what about that
pension plan I set up for you?
259
00:10:01,586 --> 00:10:03,669
I'll tell you
what happened to it: life.
260
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,337
Your house needs a new roof,
261
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:06,973
your grandson needs braces,
262
00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:10,042
your daughter's meth lab
explodes.
263
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,360
What were you planning
on doing,
264
00:10:11,362 --> 00:10:12,728
working for the rest
of your life?
265
00:10:12,730 --> 00:10:16,198
Nah, I thought about, uh,
getting a villa in Tuscany.
266
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,985
Then I said, "Nah,
I'll just hang around here
267
00:10:18,987 --> 00:10:22,288
and clean the skid marks
out of Zippy's underwear."
268
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,243
How about this?
269
00:10:27,245 --> 00:10:31,213
What if you could make
the same money you're making now
270
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:33,316
and never have to work again?
271
00:10:33,318 --> 00:10:35,051
One last job? I like it.
272
00:10:35,053 --> 00:10:36,819
Am I driving or shooting?
273
00:10:36,821 --> 00:10:39,338
No. You retire,
274
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:41,841
and I'll pay you for
the rest of your life.
275
00:10:41,843 --> 00:10:43,976
You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?
276
00:10:43,978 --> 00:10:45,811
Yeah. I call it
the Alan Harper Plan.
277
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,315
Where's this coming from?
278
00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:52,501
Uh, we're-we're just...
worried about you.
279
00:10:52,503 --> 00:10:55,488
This is a tough job, especially
for a woman of your age.
280
00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:57,156
What?
281
00:10:57,158 --> 00:10:59,742
He said it's hard for a woman
your age to do this job.
282
00:10:59,744 --> 00:11:00,710
I heard him!
283
00:11:00,712 --> 00:11:01,994
Oh.
284
00:11:01,996 --> 00:11:03,863
I can do the job just fine.
285
00:11:03,865 --> 00:11:06,165
Really? Because you
basically bent over
286
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:08,851
and haven't been able to get
out of bed for two days.
287
00:11:08,853 --> 00:11:12,371
So you just want to treat me
like some pathetic charity case
288
00:11:12,373 --> 00:11:13,873
you can throw money at.
289
00:11:13,875 --> 00:11:16,392
Oh, no-no one's saying
you're a charity case.
290
00:11:16,394 --> 00:11:17,760
Although, I, on the other hand,
291
00:11:17,762 --> 00:11:20,245
would be happy to be one
of Walden's Kids.
292
00:11:22,632 --> 00:11:25,234
I'm just trying to do
something nice for you.
293
00:11:25,236 --> 00:11:26,969
By giving me a handout?
294
00:11:26,971 --> 00:11:29,772
Unlike you, I've worked for
every cent I ever made.
295
00:11:29,774 --> 00:11:30,573
Excuse me?
296
00:11:30,575 --> 00:11:32,158
You got rich from one idea.
297
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,660
You have no clue what it's like
to work for a living.
298
00:11:34,662 --> 00:11:37,313
Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.
299
00:11:37,315 --> 00:11:38,698
No, you are not,
my friend.
300
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,199
Shut up!
Shut up!
301
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:41,767
And please,
"work for a living"?
302
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:44,036
You hurt your back trying
to take a nap!
303
00:11:44,038 --> 00:11:45,404
You know what?
304
00:11:45,406 --> 00:11:47,139
I don't have to take this crap.
305
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,457
Well, that makes two of us.
306
00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,026
It's settled then. I quit.
307
00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:52,795
Oh, no! Where am I gonna find
someone to eat my food,
308
00:11:52,797 --> 00:11:55,948
smoke my pot
and sleep in my bed?!
309
00:11:55,950 --> 00:11:56,999
Oh...
310
00:11:57,001 --> 00:11:58,934
Shut up!
311
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,044
(sighs) So what do you think?
Was I right, or what?
312
00:12:08,046 --> 00:12:10,246
Yes, Helen is great.
313
00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:11,647
Although I still
don't understand
314
00:12:11,649 --> 00:12:14,283
why we couldn't at least
interview a topless maid.
315
00:12:14,285 --> 00:12:16,535
Or four.
316
00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:18,304
Will you forget
about the topless maids?
317
00:12:18,306 --> 00:12:20,139
I will never forget
about the topless maids.
318
00:12:20,141 --> 00:12:21,424
You saw the video.
319
00:12:21,426 --> 00:12:24,827
"The only thing dirty
in your house will be me."
320
00:12:24,829 --> 00:12:26,829
(door opening)
321
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:27,897
Supper time, boys.
322
00:12:27,899 --> 00:12:29,098
Oh.
Oh.
323
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:32,268
Helen, this lemonade
is delicious.
324
00:12:32,270 --> 00:12:34,837
That's because
I have a secret ingredient.
325
00:12:34,839 --> 00:12:36,072
Oh, really?
What-What is it?
326
00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:37,206
Love.
327
00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:39,342
Aw!
Oh!
328
00:12:39,344 --> 00:12:41,210
And, like, a pound of sugar.
329
00:12:41,212 --> 00:12:42,912
(sighs)
330
00:12:42,914 --> 00:12:45,081
Hey, you still
miss Berta?
331
00:12:45,083 --> 00:12:46,349
Miss Berta who?
332
00:12:46,351 --> 00:12:49,485
Hey, maybe that's her
last name, "Who""
333
00:12:49,487 --> 00:12:51,420
More like, "Who Cares."
334
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,789
(laughter)
335
00:12:53,791 --> 00:12:56,125
Oh, my God, look at this!
336
00:12:56,127 --> 00:12:58,027
And for dessert,
337
00:12:58,029 --> 00:13:00,196
when your tummy
starts to rumble,
338
00:13:00,198 --> 00:13:02,431
there's Helen's apple crumble.
339
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:03,532
(laughs)
340
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,468
Shut your mouth.
341
00:13:05,470 --> 00:13:07,403
I won't.
342
00:13:07,405 --> 00:13:08,871
You shouldn't.
343
00:13:08,873 --> 00:13:10,339
(laughter)
344
00:13:10,341 --> 00:13:13,075
The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.
345
00:13:13,077 --> 00:13:15,444
Oh, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.
346
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:16,345
(laughter)
347
00:13:16,347 --> 00:13:17,880
Well, enjoy, boys!
348
00:13:17,882 --> 00:13:20,082
Oh, no, no, no, no,
come join us.
349
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:22,118
Oh.
350
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,855
Well, thank you very much.
351
00:13:25,857 --> 00:13:26,872
Oh.
352
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:28,107
The only thing sweeter
353
00:13:28,109 --> 00:13:31,744
than your manners
is my peach cobbler.
354
00:13:32,429 --> 00:13:35,230
Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.
355
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:39,568
Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.
356
00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:43,422
I am gonna stitch that
on a pillow.
357
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,177
Oh, do you...
do you mind if I say grace?
358
00:13:48,179 --> 00:13:51,230
Oh.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
359
00:13:51,232 --> 00:13:54,250
Uh, should I eat this unblessed
biscuit, or spit it out?
360
00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:55,551
Dear Lord,
361
00:13:55,553 --> 00:13:58,220
we thank you for
the food that we are
362
00:13:58,222 --> 00:14:01,057
about to receive,
and all of the other blessings
363
00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,109
that you have bestowed upon us.
364
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:04,927
Hmm. That was beautiful.
365
00:14:04,929 --> 00:14:05,895
And we humbly ask
366
00:14:05,897 --> 00:14:08,097
that you help Alan and Walden
367
00:14:08,099 --> 00:14:09,615
find the path to righteousness.
368
00:14:09,617 --> 00:14:10,900
Wait.
369
00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:12,168
What?
370
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:13,435
And lead them out
371
00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:16,939
of their sinful
homosexual lifestyles...
372
00:14:18,241 --> 00:14:19,742
...lest
373
00:14:19,744 --> 00:14:22,945
their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell
374
00:14:22,947 --> 00:14:27,683
for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.
375
00:14:29,252 --> 00:14:30,669
Amen. Can I get
some sweet potatoes?
376
00:14:30,671 --> 00:14:32,872
Oh, sure.
377
00:14:33,924 --> 00:14:35,224
Alan?
378
00:14:35,226 --> 00:14:36,592
What? She already thinks
379
00:14:36,594 --> 00:14:39,345
we're gobbling
each others' cobblers.
380
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:46,252
(humming)
381
00:14:46,254 --> 00:14:47,436
When you're finished
with that dish,
382
00:14:47,438 --> 00:14:49,071
just leave it,
and I'll take care of it.
383
00:14:49,073 --> 00:14:50,106
Oh, thank you, Colleen.
384
00:14:50,108 --> 00:14:51,323
No problem.
385
00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:53,526
I'm gonna go make the beds.
386
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,579
I don't want
to spoil the surprise,
387
00:14:56,581 --> 00:14:58,864
but I'm pretty sure
she was carrying a little bag
388
00:14:58,866 --> 00:15:00,282
♪ of pillow chocolates.
389
00:15:00,284 --> 00:15:02,101
I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.
390
00:15:02,103 --> 00:15:04,620
Right? I mean, she's
a good cook, she's punctual.
391
00:15:04,622 --> 00:15:06,355
She's accepting
of our lifestyle.
392
00:15:06,357 --> 00:15:11,527
There is no lifestyle to accept.
393
00:15:11,529 --> 00:15:13,212
But if things change,
it's nice to know
394
00:15:13,214 --> 00:15:14,797
we won't lose
a great housekeeper.
395
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,085
(cell phone rings)
396
00:15:19,087 --> 00:15:20,469
That's-that's not me.
397
00:15:20,471 --> 00:15:21,871
Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.
398
00:15:21,873 --> 00:15:26,425
Um, Colleen?
399
00:15:26,427 --> 00:15:28,677
Oh, for the love of God,
just turn it off.
400
00:15:30,981 --> 00:15:32,965
Oh, dear.
401
00:15:32,967 --> 00:15:34,283
What?
402
00:15:34,285 --> 00:15:37,303
Look at this.
403
00:15:37,305 --> 00:15:38,687
Oh!
404
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,175
Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.
405
00:15:43,177 --> 00:15:45,211
I mean, she's a...
she's a single woman,
406
00:15:45,213 --> 00:15:47,179
probably just trying
to protect herself.
407
00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:49,364
So, what's this one for?
408
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,068
She has two guns?
409
00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:55,337
Uh...
410
00:15:55,339 --> 00:15:58,207
I count four...
411
00:15:58,209 --> 00:16:01,093
and what looks like a shank.
412
00:16:01,095 --> 00:16:03,395
Okay, you get to fire this one.
413
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:04,880
COLLEEN:
Did I hear my phone?
414
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:07,049
(screaming)
415
00:16:08,151 --> 00:16:10,886
Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.
416
00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:14,723
I think I made
a pillow chocolate
417
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,959
in my boys' huskies.
418
00:16:18,094 --> 00:16:21,080
Okay. Well,
our last housekeeper,
419
00:16:21,082 --> 00:16:23,082
um, cleaned.
Mm.
420
00:16:23,084 --> 00:16:24,917
And, uh, sometimes
cooked for us.
421
00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:26,702
Is that something that
you're comfortable with?
422
00:16:26,704 --> 00:16:29,021
Sure. What would you like me
to cook?
423
00:16:29,023 --> 00:16:31,073
Oh, I-I don't know.
424
00:16:31,075 --> 00:16:33,209
For breakfast, I like pancakes.
Mm-hmm.
425
00:16:33,211 --> 00:16:37,613
Of course. Pancakes!
426
00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:40,499
I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.
427
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,934
You see
an African-American woman,
428
00:16:41,936 --> 00:16:43,636
and the first thing
you think is,
429
00:16:43,638 --> 00:16:45,888
"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up
some flapjacks."
430
00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:47,323
WALDEN:
Oh!
431
00:16:47,325 --> 00:16:49,058
No! No! No!
No, no. Um...
432
00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:50,943
Do I need
to bring my own bandana,
433
00:16:50,945 --> 00:16:53,279
or are you going
to supply me with one?
434
00:16:53,281 --> 00:16:55,147
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
We just, uh...
435
00:16:55,149 --> 00:16:56,815
You know, we really like pancakes.
Yeah.
436
00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:58,403
But, you know, I suppose
waffles are-are fine.
437
00:16:58,428 --> 00:16:59,236
Yeah, waffles.
438
00:16:59,237 --> 00:17:02,104
Chicken and waffles?
439
00:17:02,106 --> 00:17:03,956
You know what? Let's...
440
00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:05,658
Let's just forget
breakfast.
441
00:17:05,660 --> 00:17:07,626
I'll just... I'll
just have coffee.
442
00:17:07,628 --> 00:17:09,044
How do you take it?
443
00:17:09,046 --> 00:17:10,446
Bla...
444
00:17:12,716 --> 00:17:14,550
I prefer tea.
445
00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:18,821
Um, so, are you okay
with doing laundry?
446
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:21,257
Yeah. And I suppose
you want me
447
00:17:21,259 --> 00:17:25,144
to separate the whites
from the colors.
448
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,164
Um, but you are aware
449
00:17:29,166 --> 00:17:31,300
you're applying for a
job as a housekeeper?
450
00:17:31,302 --> 00:17:33,769
Oh, so, now I don't know
why I'm here?
451
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,989
Um, I'm not sure you do.
452
00:17:36,991 --> 00:17:39,742
What?!
Okay, okay. Let's...
453
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,428
Everybody just calm down.
454
00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:44,280
Oh, so now I've got to calm down
455
00:17:44,282 --> 00:17:46,749
just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?!
456
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,452
Can you believe
these fools, Donny?
457
00:17:56,927 --> 00:18:00,629
Okay, I think we have all
the information we need.
458
00:18:00,631 --> 00:18:03,115
Mm-hmm.
Um... we'll be in touch.
459
00:18:03,117 --> 00:18:05,434
Great.
460
00:18:05,436 --> 00:18:07,920
Let me know
if you need any references.
461
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:12,007
Oh, you all have a lovely home.
462
00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:14,176
(laughs)
463
00:18:15,745 --> 00:18:18,964
Donny, come on now!
464
00:18:21,484 --> 00:18:23,736
No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.
465
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:25,537
I don't want to
talk to Berta.
466
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:28,190
Too bad. You wouldn't let
a topless maid make your bed,
467
00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:29,959
and now you've got
to lie in it.
468
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,429
All right, well, I am
not going to apologize.
469
00:18:33,431 --> 00:18:34,546
You won't have to.
470
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:36,531
She said if you made
an effort and came to her,
471
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:38,550
that she'd be more
than happy to apologize to you.
472
00:18:39,502 --> 00:18:42,137
Zippy says you
want to apologize.
473
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:45,641
See what I did there?
Can we come in?
474
00:18:45,643 --> 00:18:47,593
No, place is a mess.
475
00:18:47,595 --> 00:18:50,746
I was a jerk
to my housekeeper, so she quit.
476
00:18:50,748 --> 00:18:52,798
Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.
477
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,184
Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that
difficult to say you're sorry?
478
00:18:55,186 --> 00:18:57,436
It is when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for.
479
00:18:57,438 --> 00:19:00,022
Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings.
480
00:19:00,024 --> 00:19:03,158
You hurt my feelings,
and you smoked all my pot,
481
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,412
so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling.
482
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,248
Okay, okay,
dialogue is good.
483
00:19:09,250 --> 00:19:11,083
Now let's see if we can find
some common ground.
484
00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:11,900
You're an idiot.
485
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,335
Agree.
486
00:19:15,171 --> 00:19:18,540
Look, I... I...
487
00:19:18,542 --> 00:19:21,743
was trying to help you
because I care about you.
488
00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:24,430
Not because I see you
as a charity case.
489
00:19:24,432 --> 00:19:26,699
And I'm sorry if you got
the wrong impression.
490
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:29,251
I'm sorry I overreacted.
491
00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:31,136
Besides, I was so high,
492
00:19:31,138 --> 00:19:34,023
I thought
you were a talking dragon.
493
00:19:37,894 --> 00:19:41,430
It is really good stuff.
494
00:19:41,432 --> 00:19:44,867
That's the stuff I give
my grandkids at Christmas.
495
00:19:46,169 --> 00:19:49,705
It's funny cause I get it
from a guy named Jesus.
496
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,775
So, what do you say?
Will you come back?
497
00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,811
I don't know.
498
00:19:55,813 --> 00:19:57,946
You may be right.
499
00:19:57,948 --> 00:20:01,166
I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.
500
00:20:01,168 --> 00:20:03,552
Well, we'll work around it,
right?
501
00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:05,804
Oh, absolutely.
What-whatever it takes.
502
00:20:06,823 --> 00:20:08,057
Deal?
503
00:20:08,059 --> 00:20:09,708
Deal.
504
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:11,793
Come on in, I'll make
you a cup of coffee.
505
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,445
(laughing)
506
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,819
Not funny!
507
00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,187
Mm.
508
00:20:24,989 --> 00:20:27,206
(laughing)
509
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:30,129
Still not funny!
510
00:20:37,906 --> 00:20:39,923
I'm glad you're back.
511
00:20:39,925 --> 00:20:43,260
Me, too, and I really appreciate
you getting me some help.
512
00:20:43,262 --> 00:20:45,346
It's the least
I could do.
513
00:20:45,348 --> 00:20:47,197
And I have to admit,
514
00:20:47,199 --> 00:20:48,982
Alan was right about
hiring a topless maid.
515
00:20:48,984 --> 00:20:51,151
Oh.
516
00:20:57,319 --> 00:21:00,905
If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.
517
00:21:00,907 --> 00:21:03,240
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19