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00:00:00,743 --> 00:00:02,293
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,493 --> 00:00:04,776
Tell me, Henry,
3
00:00:04,778 --> 00:00:07,595
why do you want to be
Mr. Schmidt's assistant?
4
00:00:07,597 --> 00:00:08,780
He's my hero.
5
00:00:08,782 --> 00:00:10,365
I know everything about him.
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"Possible stalker."
7
00:00:15,287 --> 00:00:17,455
And why do you think
you're qualified?
8
00:00:17,457 --> 00:00:19,841
Like him,
I graduated high school at 16.
9
00:00:19,843 --> 00:00:22,126
Then I completed the four-year
computer science program
10
00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:23,577
at Harvard
in just under two years,
11
00:00:23,579 --> 00:00:26,014
during which,
I founded an Internet startup,
12
00:00:26,016 --> 00:00:28,783
and I'm currently two semesters
shy of my law degree.
13
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So, "no law degree."
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Let me tell you a few things
15
00:00:34,891 --> 00:00:36,474
about Walden Schmidt
you may not know.
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Uh, the man is a genius.
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I knew that.
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00:00:39,562 --> 00:00:42,596
"Likes to interrupt."
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He thinks in a different way
than the rest of us.
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His mind is always working.
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Every time he opens his mouth,
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it's because he has
something important to say.
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WALDEN:
Love the new toilet paper
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you bought, Alan.
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00:00:54,444 --> 00:00:56,527
It's like sliding
down a rainbow.
26
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Except the pot at the end
doesn't have any gold in it.
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When you hear something
this good,
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you should write it down.
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I'm sorry.
30
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Who's this?
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Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.
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He's interviewing
for the assistant job.
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Uh, assistant job?
34
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Hi, Mr. Schmidt.
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It's such an honor...
(stuttering)
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Eye contact.
37
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:18,332
It's okay, Henry.
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(mouthing)
39
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Alan, can I
talk to you for a second.
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Uh, no problem,
Mr. Schmidt.
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Tie?
Really.
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Not looking good, Hank.
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What's up?
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00:01:34,737 --> 00:01:37,471
Why are you interviewing Henry
to be my assistant
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when I just hired you
to be my assistant?
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00:01:39,742 --> 00:01:41,959
Oh, no, no, he's interviewing
to be my assistant.
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Your assistant?
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Well, intern, actually.
49
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He's not gonna cost us a penny,
and he's gonna do
50
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all the menial stuff
I don't want to do.
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00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,617
Well, why don't I
just hire him for free
52
00:01:50,619 --> 00:01:52,003
and cut out the middle man?
53
00:01:52,005 --> 00:01:54,388
And in case I'm going too fast,
you're the middle man.
54
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But I'm the big picture guy.
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See, bringing Henry
on to Team Schmidt...
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Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Team Schmidt?
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Yeah, I'm gonna get
hats and shirts made.
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Well, Henry is.
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We're gonna have a new slogan.
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"No bull-Schmidt."
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"Schmidt happens."
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You're a Schmidt head.
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I hired you to be my assistant
to help you out financially
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'cause you had close
your chiropractic office.
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I didn't have to close it;
I'm in a rent dispute.
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People in rent disputes
don't fake their own death.
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(doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get that.
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You are looking good today,
boss.
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That's why he got
good toilet paper.
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So my ass is clean
while he's kissing it.
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00:02:34,464 --> 00:02:37,098
Huh, my 12:00
must be early.
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Someone who really
wanted this job
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would've taken the initiative.
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Too late, Harvard.
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Hello.
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00:02:46,759 --> 00:02:48,926
Hi. You Alan Harper?
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Yes, I am.
And, uh, and you are...?
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Your niece.
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Eurniece?
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That's a...
that's a pretty name.
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Is that Dutch?
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No, I'm Jenny.
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I'm your brother
Charlie's daughter.
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Uh, Henry?
Yes?
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Catch me.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ooh
♪ Men. ♪
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sync, corrected by elderman
Resync for WEB-DL by Junniper
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Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,
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did-did you say that
you're... Charlie's daughter?
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Yeah.
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00:03:20,106 --> 00:03:21,538
Listen, I got a wicked hangover.
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You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?
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Uh, yeah, yeah,
come on in.
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Uh, Henry, uh,
get her an aspirin and vodka.
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On it!
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Kitchen's that way.
Damn it!
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I-I can't believe this.
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I mean, I can, but I-I can't.
100
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I mean, how did this happen?
101
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From what my mom told me...
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Ooh, can we... can we maybe
turn down the lights?
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That's the sun.
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Right, I hate the sun.
105
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It's like God calling you
an alcoholic.
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Anyway, according to my mom,
it was love at first sight.
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They met in a bar,
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they got drunk and had sex
in the bathroom.
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(chuckles) It was like
a freakin' Disney movie.
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Poke-a-hot-ass.
111
00:04:12,023 --> 00:04:14,541
And where did the kid go
for the vodka? Poland?
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Look, I don't mean
to be rude,
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but how do I know that you're
really Charlie's daughter?
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I mean, this could be
some kind of scam.
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I have a picture of us together.
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It's in here somewhere.
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Oh, look. (laughs)
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My vagina.
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(chuckles)
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Oh, wait, that's not mine.
121
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Oh, that's mine.
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(chuckles)
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Ah, there you go.
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This was taken
at my fourth birthday party.
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Just a heads up, I might vomit;
where's the nearest bathroom?
126
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Oh, right down the hall.
127
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Okay, I think we're good,
128
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but it's always nice
to have a plan.
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Anyway, this was party was
the last time I saw him.
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After that,
he just sent checks.
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He-he sent checks?
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Yeah, my mom didn't want him
to have anything to do with me,
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but he always made sure
I was taken care of.
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He never said a word
about any of this to me.
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I'm his brother, his-his blood.
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Were they big checks?
137
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Yeah, got one every month.
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Bastard.
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My mom just called me special.
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This Henry guy is awesome.
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Did you know I won a
spelling bee in fifth grade?
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I didn't!
143
00:05:21,192 --> 00:05:23,760
Who's this,
Henry's assistant?
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Walden, this is Jenny,
145
00:05:26,532 --> 00:05:28,598
my brother's daughter.
146
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,068
Really?
147
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Hi.
Hi.
148
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I, uh, didn't know
Charlie had a daughter.
149
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Neither did I.
150
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He sent her checks,
big checks.
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00:05:42,247 --> 00:05:43,964
Not that that matters now.
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(whispers):
Every month!
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00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,469
Hey, am I related
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to Abercrombie & Fitch
over here?
155
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No, I own the house.
156
00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:56,226
Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.
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So does he.
158
00:05:59,265 --> 00:06:01,248
So, uh, tell us
more about you.
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00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:02,900
Not much to tell.
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00:06:02,902 --> 00:06:04,101
I was born in New York,
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00:06:04,103 --> 00:06:06,186
got kicked
out of a few private schools,
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00:06:06,188 --> 00:06:08,989
tried to become a doctor
to make my mom happy,
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00:06:08,991 --> 00:06:11,625
dropped out, became an actress
to piss her off.
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An actress, oh.
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Your father loved actresses.
166
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Yeah, I was only going
to med school
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00:06:16,916 --> 00:06:18,966
so I could write myself
prescriptions for oxy.
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00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:21,785
Oh, your father loved oxy.
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HENRY:
Sorry it took so long.
170
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Here's vodka and two aspirin.
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Thank God. Oh.
172
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I was wrong; I am gonna puke.
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Your father
loved to puke.
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♪ Men. ♪
175
00:06:39,338 --> 00:06:40,854
So, when I was, like, five,
176
00:06:40,856 --> 00:06:43,557
my mom married
this total loser named Rob.
177
00:06:43,559 --> 00:06:45,943
He moved in with us
and never looked for a job,
178
00:06:45,945 --> 00:06:48,128
but he's been sponging
off of her ever since.
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00:06:48,130 --> 00:06:50,347
Who does that?
180
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,835
So, uh, how long
you been in L.A.?
181
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Couple weeks.
182
00:06:55,804 --> 00:06:56,954
And you got a place to stay?
183
00:06:56,956 --> 00:06:59,406
He asks, knowing full well
she's a Harper.
184
00:07:00,155 --> 00:07:03,239
Yeah, I'm crashing
at a friend's house.
185
00:07:03,241 --> 00:07:04,641
That's great. Friends are great.
186
00:07:04,643 --> 00:07:06,910
You should make
some friends, Alan.
187
00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:09,579
So, just the two of you
live here?
188
00:07:09,581 --> 00:07:11,748
Uh, well, my son,
your cousin Jake,
189
00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,450
uh, used to live with us,
but he's in the army now.
190
00:07:14,452 --> 00:07:15,568
Stationed in Japan.
191
00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:17,604
Oh, that's impressive.
192
00:07:17,606 --> 00:07:18,805
Because of the time difference,
193
00:07:18,807 --> 00:07:21,074
he thinks he lives
in the future.
194
00:07:21,076 --> 00:07:22,759
Maybe we can call him
and find out
195
00:07:22,761 --> 00:07:24,544
when this headache's
gonna go away.
196
00:07:24,546 --> 00:07:26,563
Oh, and, uh,
you have a grandmother.
197
00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:28,131
Oh, that's great!
198
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,299
In theory.
199
00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:31,968
When she finds out
she has a granddaughter,
200
00:07:31,970 --> 00:07:33,086
she's gonna have a heart attack.
201
00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:35,438
You know,
I'm gonna call her right now.
202
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,474
♪ Men. ♪
203
00:07:38,476 --> 00:07:39,776
This is it.
204
00:07:39,778 --> 00:07:41,477
This was your dad's room.
205
00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,279
Wow.
206
00:07:43,281 --> 00:07:46,916
I always tried to imagine
what my dad's life was like.
207
00:07:46,918 --> 00:07:49,686
It's weird to finally see it.
208
00:07:49,688 --> 00:07:52,455
I never met him,
but I heard he was quite a guy.
209
00:07:52,457 --> 00:07:55,275
I heard he was
a drunken man whore.
210
00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:58,228
Like I said, quite a guy.
211
00:07:58,230 --> 00:07:59,546
So, uh,
212
00:07:59,548 --> 00:08:01,281
this your and Alan's room?
213
00:08:01,283 --> 00:08:02,349
What?
214
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:03,883
(chuckles):
No.
215
00:08:03,885 --> 00:08:05,518
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
216
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,020
We're not... I'm not...
217
00:08:07,022 --> 00:08:08,938
The, um... really?
218
00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:11,458
You really don't think
I can do better than Alan?
219
00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:12,809
I don't know.
220
00:08:12,811 --> 00:08:15,679
Maybe he's got a huge schlong.
221
00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:18,181
Well, we're not a couple,
and he doesn't.
222
00:08:19,650 --> 00:08:21,618
Which is fine.
I mean, not that size matters.
223
00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:22,685
Not that I was looking.
224
00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:23,870
I'm not gay.
225
00:08:23,872 --> 00:08:27,190
So why is he still living here?
226
00:08:27,192 --> 00:08:28,875
Well, at first...
227
00:08:28,877 --> 00:08:30,360
Then...
228
00:08:30,362 --> 00:08:31,961
I don't know.
229
00:08:32,897 --> 00:08:35,115
So, um,
230
00:08:35,117 --> 00:08:37,050
this is where your
dad used to sleep.
231
00:08:37,052 --> 00:08:38,668
I got a new mattress,
232
00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:41,287
and I replaced the
carpets and the drapes
233
00:08:41,289 --> 00:08:45,392
and pretty much anything
that could absorb fluid.
234
00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:46,676
Wow.
235
00:08:46,678 --> 00:08:47,877
If these walls could talk.
236
00:08:47,879 --> 00:08:50,964
They'd probably say,
"Can I get a towel?"
237
00:08:50,966 --> 00:08:52,315
So, I mean,
238
00:08:52,317 --> 00:08:55,151
I wish there was more
that Charlie left behind.
239
00:08:55,153 --> 00:08:57,303
You know, other than Alan.
240
00:08:57,305 --> 00:08:59,572
So... (sighs)
241
00:08:59,574 --> 00:09:03,559
my dad stood in this same spot,
staring out at the ocean.
242
00:09:03,561 --> 00:09:05,728
I wonder what was going
through his mind.
243
00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:07,697
I wonder what he was thinking.
244
00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:09,282
Besides, of course,
245
00:09:09,284 --> 00:09:13,253
"how can I nail those two
hot surfer chicks out there?"
246
00:09:13,255 --> 00:09:15,872
Huh, now I'm thinking it.
247
00:09:15,874 --> 00:09:17,791
Oh, please.
248
00:09:17,793 --> 00:09:21,161
With your looks and this house,
I'm sure you do fine.
249
00:09:21,163 --> 00:09:23,146
Well, you'd think that,
but the truth is,
250
00:09:23,148 --> 00:09:25,348
when it comes to women,
I've never really been much
251
00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:26,749
of a casual sex
kind of guy.
252
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,601
And every time I do
get close to one,
253
00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:30,036
she ends up pulling
away from me,
254
00:09:30,038 --> 00:09:31,938
and then I wind up
back in this room,
255
00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:35,258
thinking where I
went wrong again.
256
00:09:35,260 --> 00:09:36,960
Alone.
257
00:09:38,629 --> 00:09:40,830
So alone.
258
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,101
(sighs)
259
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,104
Oh, yeah.
260
00:09:48,106 --> 00:09:50,306
(chuckles)
You're not gay.
261
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,694
Mom, I have some news for you.
262
00:09:54,696 --> 00:09:56,930
Sit down.
263
00:09:56,932 --> 00:09:59,199
Okay, push him off and sit up.
264
00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:02,385
Um, I know this is gonna come
as quite the shock,
265
00:10:02,387 --> 00:10:05,972
but it turns out
Charlie has a daughter.
266
00:10:07,291 --> 00:10:10,009
Mom? Mom?
267
00:10:10,011 --> 00:10:12,412
Are you dead?
268
00:10:12,414 --> 00:10:13,897
Oh, good.
269
00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:15,982
Um, no, I know.
270
00:10:15,984 --> 00:10:17,517
I know, it's crazy, right?
271
00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:19,285
Yeah, no, she's here now.
272
00:10:19,287 --> 00:10:21,271
Well, well, come on over.
273
00:10:21,273 --> 00:10:23,773
Okay, finish first
and then come over.
274
00:10:25,142 --> 00:10:27,527
Good news.
Uh, my mother's on her way over.
275
00:10:27,529 --> 00:10:30,096
First time I've ever said that.
276
00:10:30,098 --> 00:10:32,315
Wow, insta-family.
277
00:10:32,317 --> 00:10:34,317
Uncle, grandmother,
278
00:10:34,319 --> 00:10:35,668
step-hot-guy.
279
00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:37,804
I'm sorry,
I don't know what to call you.
280
00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:39,789
Oh, step-hot-guy works.
281
00:10:39,791 --> 00:10:42,158
All that's missing is my dad.
282
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,711
Actually, he's here, too.
283
00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:46,629
Um, follow me.
284
00:10:46,631 --> 00:10:48,097
Uh, where are we going?
285
00:10:48,099 --> 00:10:49,783
Uh, well, you know how sailors
get buried at sea?
286
00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:50,328
Yeah.
287
00:10:50,353 --> 00:10:52,353
I keep Charlie
in the liquor cabinet.
288
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,671
Let's see.
289
00:10:55,673 --> 00:11:00,226
Uh, Johnnie Walker,
Jack Daniel's...
290
00:11:00,228 --> 00:11:01,895
Charlie Harper.
291
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:06,533
Huh, he looks different
than his pictures.
292
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:10,653
Um, Charlie, this is
your daughter Jenny.
293
00:11:10,655 --> 00:11:12,872
Hi, Dad!
294
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,326
This seems weird. Does this
seem weird to anybody else?
295
00:11:16,328 --> 00:11:18,461
Yes, it's weird.
296
00:11:18,463 --> 00:11:22,882
Almost as weird as
when we take him to the movies.
297
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:27,470
Charlie, I wish you were here
298
00:11:27,472 --> 00:11:30,557
to see how beautiful
your daughter turned out.
299
00:11:31,742 --> 00:11:33,226
I-I think you'd be impressed.
300
00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:34,727
I think a lot of...
301
00:11:34,729 --> 00:11:36,729
Oh!
302
00:11:36,731 --> 00:11:38,498
(coughs)
303
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,084
Oh, not again.
304
00:11:41,086 --> 00:11:43,219
I ain't cleaning that up.
305
00:11:48,264 --> 00:11:50,631
♪ Men. ♪
306
00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,045
Oh. Oh, look.
307
00:11:56,046 --> 00:11:57,879
A quarter.
308
00:12:00,416 --> 00:12:01,966
Unbelievable.
309
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:04,285
You even mooch
off the dead.
310
00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:06,587
One more.
311
00:12:06,589 --> 00:12:08,622
Yeah, you're
Charlie's daughter.
312
00:12:08,624 --> 00:12:10,258
You don't seem very surprised.
313
00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:13,111
Only surprised there aren't
more of you running around.
314
00:12:13,113 --> 00:12:17,065
God, I loved your dad.
315
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,983
I remember the first
time I met him.
316
00:12:18,985 --> 00:12:21,419
He asked me if I knew
how to do three things:
317
00:12:21,421 --> 00:12:23,488
cook, clean and
score an eight ball
318
00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:25,323
at 2:30 in the morning.
319
00:12:26,592 --> 00:12:29,660
I told him I didn't know
how to cook or clean.
320
00:12:29,662 --> 00:12:31,312
I've been here ever since.
321
00:12:31,314 --> 00:12:32,813
(laughs)
322
00:12:32,815 --> 00:12:35,116
I'm-I'm sure you have
a story about Charlie
323
00:12:35,118 --> 00:12:36,401
that doesn't involve drugs.
324
00:12:36,403 --> 00:12:39,704
Okay. One time
at Mardi Gras...
325
00:12:39,706 --> 00:12:41,205
Or alcohol.
326
00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:42,623
All right.
327
00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:44,642
Once when Charlie
was in Vegas...
328
00:12:44,644 --> 00:12:46,594
Or hookers.
329
00:12:46,596 --> 00:12:49,680
Geez, you're really
tying my hands!
330
00:12:50,783 --> 00:12:51,783
Okay, I got it.
331
00:12:51,785 --> 00:12:53,734
It was New Year's Eve,
332
00:12:53,736 --> 00:12:56,404
and Charlie was
super not drunk,
333
00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:59,424
and he was with this
crazy not hooker,
334
00:12:59,426 --> 00:13:02,743
and he decided to have
his sphincter bleached.
335
00:13:02,745 --> 00:13:04,695
Whoa! Whoa!
What?
336
00:13:04,697 --> 00:13:05,663
Why?
337
00:13:05,665 --> 00:13:08,199
Because he cared
about women.
338
00:13:09,384 --> 00:13:13,371
Unfortunately, it got
infected, and he needed me
339
00:13:13,373 --> 00:13:16,457
(voice breaks): to dab
a little ointment...
340
00:13:16,459 --> 00:13:18,326
I'm sorry.
341
00:13:18,328 --> 00:13:20,812
It's just that I miss him
so much!
342
00:13:20,814 --> 00:13:23,548
God took the wrong Harper!
343
00:13:24,583 --> 00:13:26,551
(door closes)
344
00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:29,053
EVELYN:
Where is my granddaughter?
345
00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:31,139
Did it just get cold in here?
346
00:13:32,324 --> 00:13:35,092
Oh, my God.
347
00:13:35,094 --> 00:13:36,710
Look at you.
348
00:13:36,712 --> 00:13:38,262
Mom, this is Jenny.
349
00:13:38,264 --> 00:13:39,313
Jenny,
350
00:13:39,315 --> 00:13:40,932
this is Evelyn.
351
00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:42,733
You are so beautiful.
352
00:13:42,735 --> 00:13:45,069
You remind me of me
ten years ago.
353
00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,990
Your father was
the apple of my eye.
354
00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,491
My greatest gift.
355
00:13:50,493 --> 00:13:52,160
My reason for living.
356
00:13:53,011 --> 00:13:54,061
Uh, hello.
357
00:13:54,947 --> 00:13:56,747
Hello, Alan.
358
00:13:57,732 --> 00:14:02,036
I can't believe
I finally have a grandchild.
359
00:14:02,038 --> 00:14:03,921
You already have
a grandchild-- Jake.
360
00:14:03,923 --> 00:14:07,175
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
361
00:14:08,243 --> 00:14:10,261
So, Jennifer...
362
00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:11,529
Actually, it's Jenny.
363
00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:14,515
Darling, you're not 12 anymore.
It's Jennifer.
364
00:14:14,517 --> 00:14:17,018
We are going to have
so much fun together:
365
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:21,506
lunching, shopping,
taking care of those eyebrows.
366
00:14:21,508 --> 00:14:23,107
Where are you staying
while you're in town?
367
00:14:23,109 --> 00:14:24,876
I'm crashing on
a friend's couch.
368
00:14:24,878 --> 00:14:27,245
Not anymore.
You'll stay with me.
369
00:14:27,247 --> 00:14:29,647
Aw! I love you, Evelyn.
370
00:14:29,649 --> 00:14:30,948
Whoa, whoa!
If she's staying anywhere,
371
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,133
she's gonna stay at my place.
372
00:14:32,135 --> 00:14:34,151
And by "your place," do you mean
373
00:14:34,153 --> 00:14:36,821
the office that
you stopped paying rent at
374
00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:39,373
or the house that
you've never paid rent at?
375
00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:41,459
Look, I'm not gonna let my mom
screw her up
376
00:14:41,461 --> 00:14:42,710
like she did me and Charlie.
377
00:14:42,712 --> 00:14:45,379
Hey! I was a good mother.
378
00:14:45,381 --> 00:14:47,081
No, you know
who was a good mother?
379
00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:49,166
Our housekeeper Adela.
She even breast-fed me.
380
00:14:49,168 --> 00:14:51,802
She had just had a baby.
381
00:14:51,804 --> 00:14:54,005
And when the milk truck
is parked on the street,
382
00:14:54,007 --> 00:14:55,973
you don't go
to the grocery store.
383
00:14:56,992 --> 00:15:00,928
Besides, you-you used
to gnaw on me.
384
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,431
You're gnawer.
385
00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:05,132
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
386
00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:08,185
You know what?
She's gonna stay in Jake's room.
387
00:15:08,187 --> 00:15:09,937
Whoa, whoa, no.
388
00:15:09,939 --> 00:15:12,573
I do not want Jake's room
to become Jenny's room.
389
00:15:12,575 --> 00:15:14,859
You know, in fact,
there is no Jake's room
390
00:15:14,861 --> 00:15:15,993
and there's no Jenny's room.
391
00:15:15,995 --> 00:15:17,645
There's just Walden's room.
392
00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:20,464
And Charlie's room.
393
00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:22,350
Why don't we let her decide?
394
00:15:22,352 --> 00:15:23,501
Yeah, yeah,
it's up to her.
395
00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:26,203
Is anyone listening to me?!
396
00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:28,105
Jennifer?
397
00:15:28,107 --> 00:15:29,457
Where'd she go?
398
00:15:31,627 --> 00:15:32,927
Nice job, Alan.
399
00:15:32,929 --> 00:15:35,796
You made another woman
disappear.
400
00:15:35,798 --> 00:15:36,997
Can you believe her?
401
00:15:36,999 --> 00:15:39,250
What did I do to her to
make her hate me so much?
402
00:15:39,252 --> 00:15:41,218
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
403
00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:44,105
Oh, oh. What, you, too?
404
00:15:44,107 --> 00:15:46,674
Oh!
405
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:48,609
Son of a...
406
00:15:48,611 --> 00:15:50,444
Ooh, a nickel!
407
00:15:50,446 --> 00:15:52,146
♪ Men. ♪
408
00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:53,898
This is ridiculous.
409
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,149
We're never going to find her.
410
00:15:55,151 --> 00:15:57,184
I don't understand
why she ran off like that.
411
00:15:57,186 --> 00:15:58,953
I can think of two reasons.
412
00:16:01,823 --> 00:16:05,526
First I lost my Charlie,
now I've lost my Jennifer.
413
00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,211
You still have your Alan.
414
00:16:07,213 --> 00:16:09,714
Oh! Don't make it worse.
415
00:16:11,032 --> 00:16:12,717
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
416
00:16:14,319 --> 00:16:18,255
Oh, God,
my granddaughter's gone forever.
417
00:16:18,257 --> 00:16:21,092
Oh, there she is
at the bus stop.
418
00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:25,029
Oh, God, my granddaughter
rides the bus!
419
00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,569
Jenny, what are you doing?
420
00:16:31,571 --> 00:16:34,138
I'm trying to get away
from you people.
421
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:35,990
Look, I just wanted to see
where my dad lived.
422
00:16:35,992 --> 00:16:37,625
I didn't want
to screw up your family.
423
00:16:37,627 --> 00:16:38,743
Uh, for the record,
424
00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:40,578
they were screwed up
long before you got here.
425
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:41,829
It's true.
426
00:16:41,831 --> 00:16:43,748
H-Hey, if I'm screwed up,
it's your fault.
427
00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:44,699
You raised me.
428
00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:47,134
I didn't raise you,
Adela did.
429
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,204
Look, I already have
a messed-up family.
430
00:16:50,206 --> 00:16:51,622
I-I don't need another one.
431
00:16:51,624 --> 00:16:52,623
Oh, we're sorry.
432
00:16:52,625 --> 00:16:54,525
This is just how
we express our love.
433
00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:56,627
Through hate.
Oh, no, no, no.
434
00:16:56,629 --> 00:16:57,962
W-We don't hate each other.
435
00:16:57,964 --> 00:17:02,533
I mean, the truth is,
my mother is an amazing woman.
436
00:17:02,535 --> 00:17:04,568
I mean, she-she raised
two kids on her own,
437
00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:06,520
she's a successful
businesswoman,
438
00:17:06,522 --> 00:17:09,774
she has impeccable taste.
439
00:17:09,776 --> 00:17:11,091
Thank you, Alan.
440
00:17:12,394 --> 00:17:13,444
Oh, right.
441
00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:16,397
Uh, and Alan is...
442
00:17:16,399 --> 00:17:19,650
the reason I had
my tubes tied.
443
00:17:20,752 --> 00:17:24,155
Because she knew she would
never do better than me.
444
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:29,160
Please, sweetheart,
I just found you.
445
00:17:29,162 --> 00:17:30,211
I can't lose you now.
446
00:17:30,213 --> 00:17:32,246
We want you to be a
part of our lives.
447
00:17:32,248 --> 00:17:33,330
What do you say?
448
00:17:33,332 --> 00:17:36,450
Well, if I'm gonna be
a part of this family,
449
00:17:36,452 --> 00:17:38,302
I'm gonna need a drink.
450
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:39,754
You hear that, Charlie?
451
00:17:39,756 --> 00:17:41,422
Your daughter
needs a drink.
452
00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:44,141
You're looking the
wrong way, Mom.
453
00:17:44,143 --> 00:17:46,077
♪ Men. ♪
454
00:17:47,262 --> 00:17:49,129
A toast.
To Charlie Harper.
455
00:17:49,131 --> 00:17:53,084
My brother, your son,
your father, and your...
456
00:17:53,086 --> 00:17:55,936
Guy who got hit by a train
so I could buy his beach house?
457
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:57,938
Sorry, Evelyn.
458
00:17:57,940 --> 00:17:59,707
It's okay. I got the commission.
459
00:17:59,709 --> 00:18:02,693
To Charlie.
460
00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:05,830
So, is that the bathroom
461
00:18:05,832 --> 00:18:08,115
where the miracle
of my life began?
462
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:10,701
It is.
463
00:18:12,204 --> 00:18:13,170
Want to see it?
464
00:18:13,172 --> 00:18:14,371
I do.
465
00:18:14,373 --> 00:18:16,173
Text a picture of it to my mom.
466
00:18:16,175 --> 00:18:18,125
Should be good
for some guilt money.
467
00:18:18,127 --> 00:18:20,327
I'll run interference.
468
00:18:21,713 --> 00:18:22,847
All right, everybody out!
469
00:18:22,849 --> 00:18:25,332
Woman visiting the place
of her conception!
470
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,936
I can't tell you
how relieved I am
471
00:18:28,938 --> 00:18:31,105
to finally have an heir.
Mm.
472
00:18:31,107 --> 00:18:32,123
Wait, what?
473
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:33,891
She's my granddaughter.
474
00:18:33,893 --> 00:18:35,843
I want to provide
for her.
475
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,278
And since I wasn't around
476
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,396
for the first 25 years
of her life,
477
00:18:39,398 --> 00:18:41,649
it's only fitting that
she inherit my estate.
478
00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:44,017
You weren't around for
the first 45 years of my life.
479
00:18:44,019 --> 00:18:45,870
You have Walden!
480
00:18:45,872 --> 00:18:48,172
Oh, oh, do I? Do you see
a ring on this finger?
481
00:18:48,174 --> 00:18:49,523
Don't worry, darling.
482
00:18:49,525 --> 00:18:51,909
There's a little something
for you in my will.
483
00:18:51,911 --> 00:18:52,743
A little something?
484
00:18:52,745 --> 00:18:53,961
Look, if you knew
485
00:18:53,963 --> 00:18:55,579
you were gonna
get everything,
486
00:18:55,581 --> 00:18:57,965
you would've smothered me
with a pillow years ago.
487
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,316
That is not true.
488
00:18:59,318 --> 00:19:03,053
If I knew I had money coming,
I'd hire a professional.
489
00:19:04,473 --> 00:19:06,257
How'd it go?
Great.
490
00:19:06,259 --> 00:19:07,892
I laughed, I cried.
491
00:19:07,894 --> 00:19:10,861
I peed.
492
00:19:10,863 --> 00:19:12,630
How are you guys doing
over here?
493
00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:14,181
Can I get you anything else?
494
00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:18,235
Yeah, we might need
a designated driver
495
00:19:18,237 --> 00:19:20,688
to get us back
to his beautiful beach house.
496
00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:23,858
I'll take you guys.
I get off in 15.
497
00:19:25,193 --> 00:19:26,744
Great. Thanks.
498
00:19:28,947 --> 00:19:30,397
She's cute.
499
00:19:30,399 --> 00:19:31,499
Told ya.
500
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:34,702
Malibu beach house
gets you laid every time.
501
00:19:35,387 --> 00:19:37,705
Not every time.
502
00:19:39,374 --> 00:19:41,876
♪ Men. ♪
503
00:19:41,878 --> 00:19:45,262
Oh, my God,
this house is amazing!
504
00:19:45,264 --> 00:19:47,498
Well, it's... Yeah.
505
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,217
And look at
that view.
506
00:19:50,219 --> 00:19:51,969
It's even better
from the bedroom.
507
00:19:51,971 --> 00:19:53,053
Want to see?
508
00:19:53,055 --> 00:19:54,238
Yeah.
509
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,773
After you.
510
00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:58,242
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
511
00:19:58,244 --> 00:19:59,410
Where are you going?
512
00:19:59,412 --> 00:20:00,578
Up to show her.
513
00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,530
Oh, you thought...?
514
00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,232
Oh, no-no-no-no-no,
she's mine.
515
00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:07,100
Next time I'll get two.
516
00:20:11,656 --> 00:20:14,108
What just happened?
517
00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:15,943
Charlie's back.
518
00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:18,445
♪ Men. ♪
519
00:20:21,031 --> 00:20:23,149
♪ Men. ♪
520
00:20:23,151 --> 00:20:24,117
Good morning.
521
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:25,552
No, no, not good.
522
00:20:25,554 --> 00:20:27,487
I slept in the guest room
of my own house,
523
00:20:27,489 --> 00:20:30,890
and I'm pretty sure I still have
some of your brother in my ear.
524
00:20:30,892 --> 00:20:32,292
Don't worry,
tonight I'll tell Jenny
525
00:20:32,294 --> 00:20:33,493
that your bedroom's off limits.
526
00:20:33,495 --> 00:20:34,761
No, there is no tonight!
527
00:20:34,763 --> 00:20:35,762
But she's family.
528
00:20:35,764 --> 00:20:36,963
Not my family.
529
00:20:36,965 --> 00:20:39,082
And I'm gonna tell her
she can't stay.
530
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,918
Morning.
Hi.
531
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,169
You girls have a good night?
532
00:20:43,171 --> 00:20:45,004
Oh, yeah.
533
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,370
I'm surprised I can even talk.
534
00:20:50,408 --> 00:20:52,959
You were saying?
Shut up.