1
00:00:07,664 --> 00:00:11,450
You are so pretty.
Thank you.
2
00:00:11,452 --> 00:00:13,919
Pretty, pretty, pretty,
pretty, pretty...
3
00:00:13,921 --> 00:00:16,839
Okay, okay, okay, pretty man
trying to drive a car here.
4
00:00:16,841 --> 00:00:19,642
(giggling)
5
00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:23,179
How did you get more drunk
since we left the party?
6
00:00:23,181 --> 00:00:27,850
Well... I brought a roadie.
7
00:00:27,852 --> 00:00:29,352
Where did you get that?
8
00:00:29,354 --> 00:00:31,854
My purse.
9
00:00:31,856 --> 00:00:33,439
Hmm. Your purse.
10
00:00:33,441 --> 00:00:35,024
(gasps)
11
00:00:35,026 --> 00:00:36,992
Oh, no, it spilled!
12
00:00:36,994 --> 00:00:38,861
(sighs)
Oh!
13
00:00:38,863 --> 00:00:40,246
(slurps)
14
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:41,947
Do you want some?
15
00:00:41,949 --> 00:00:44,700
No. You-you need
to get rid of that drink.
16
00:00:44,702 --> 00:00:47,870
Fine... Mr. Man.
17
00:00:47,872 --> 00:00:49,088
(rattling)
18
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,539
(laughs)
19
00:00:50,541 --> 00:00:51,990
Oops!
20
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:53,759
Okay.
21
00:00:53,761 --> 00:00:56,962
I think it's time to get Stacey
home and under the covers.
22
00:00:56,964 --> 00:01:01,267
I think it's time to get
Walden home and under Stacey.
23
00:01:02,185 --> 00:01:04,103
That's not going to happen.
24
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:05,721
Boo!
25
00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:07,390
Maybe another time.
26
00:01:07,392 --> 00:01:09,108
Yay!
27
00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:10,843
(sighs)
28
00:01:10,845 --> 00:01:14,029
I think I'm gonna take a little
nap before we get there.
29
00:01:14,031 --> 00:01:16,198
Okay.
30
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,401
I'm so hungry.
31
00:01:18,403 --> 00:01:20,152
You'll be home soon, and then...
32
00:01:20,154 --> 00:01:22,655
Whoa, that-that
is not food.
33
00:01:24,491 --> 00:01:27,025
Are you sure
you don't want to stay, 'cause
34
00:01:27,027 --> 00:01:28,911
we could have sex?
35
00:01:28,913 --> 00:01:30,329
You've made that
abundantly clear.
36
00:01:30,331 --> 00:01:31,530
Uh, but no, thank you.
37
00:01:31,532 --> 00:01:34,133
And to have sex with me,
you need to be able
38
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,552
to stand on one leg
and touch your nose.
39
00:01:38,422 --> 00:01:40,038
Ooh.
40
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,057
Nope.
41
00:01:43,677 --> 00:01:44,844
Okay, let's...
42
00:01:44,846 --> 00:01:47,212
Ooh! Mojito.
43
00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:50,182
Okay, let's-let's
get you inside safe and sound.
44
00:01:50,184 --> 00:01:51,901
Yum.
Mm?
45
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,185
(gasps)
46
00:01:53,187 --> 00:01:54,603
Hello.
47
00:01:54,605 --> 00:01:55,905
Hi, Nana.
48
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,441
Look, this is
my new friend Wal...
49
00:01:58,443 --> 00:02:01,911
(retching)
50
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,396
It's actually pronounced
"Walden."
51
00:02:04,398 --> 00:02:07,065
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
52
00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:09,319
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
53
00:02:13,036 --> 00:02:14,419
She's asleep.
54
00:02:14,545 --> 00:02:16,178
Her head's in the toilet,
but she's asleep.
55
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:17,746
(sighs)
56
00:02:17,748 --> 00:02:19,664
I just... I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.
57
00:02:19,666 --> 00:02:22,083
I'm not the kind of guy
who brings home a drunk girl.
58
00:02:22,085 --> 00:02:24,586
I mean, I did bring her home,
but not to, you know,
59
00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:27,439
bring her home. I...
60
00:02:27,441 --> 00:02:29,124
We met at this video game
release party,
61
00:02:29,126 --> 00:02:30,425
and we started drinking
and talking.
62
00:02:30,427 --> 00:02:32,377
As it turns out, she was doing
more of the drinking,
63
00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:33,845
and I was doing
more of the talking.
64
00:02:33,847 --> 00:02:35,163
And here I am, still talking.
65
00:02:35,165 --> 00:02:37,098
Hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.
66
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:38,333
Nice to meet
you, Walden.
67
00:02:38,335 --> 00:02:39,551
Linda Pearson.
68
00:02:39,553 --> 00:02:41,502
Thank you for helping
my granddaughter.
69
00:02:41,504 --> 00:02:43,838
Your... You do not look
like you're old enough
70
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:44,973
to have a granddaughter.
71
00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:49,110
The unexpected benefit
of being a slut at 18.
72
00:02:50,196 --> 00:02:52,013
And having a daughter
who followed suit.
73
00:02:52,015 --> 00:02:53,899
And, you know, from
the looks of it,
74
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:57,953
Stacey is, uh, going to carry
on the proud family tradition.
75
00:02:57,955 --> 00:03:01,373
Some families hand down recipes.
76
00:03:01,375 --> 00:03:03,124
I appreciate you
being a gentleman.
77
00:03:03,126 --> 00:03:04,926
Sure. You know,
78
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:06,912
I was... I was looking
at these photos.
79
00:03:06,914 --> 00:03:08,863
They're amazing. Who took these?
80
00:03:08,865 --> 00:03:09,714
Oh, I did.
81
00:03:09,716 --> 00:03:11,216
You took all of these?
82
00:03:11,218 --> 00:03:13,335
Yeah, I'm a
photographer. In fact,
83
00:03:13,337 --> 00:03:15,870
this is pretty much a record of
the last 40 years of my life.
84
00:03:15,872 --> 00:03:18,073
Well, hold on.
In this one,
85
00:03:18,075 --> 00:03:21,843
these guys are aiming their
machine guns at the camera,
86
00:03:21,845 --> 00:03:24,212
which means they're aiming
their machine guns at you.
87
00:03:24,214 --> 00:03:26,765
Yeah, I was on
assignment, and, uh,
88
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:28,883
I needed a photo of
Nicaraguan Contras,
89
00:03:28,885 --> 00:03:31,386
and I guess nobody told
their elite death squad
90
00:03:31,388 --> 00:03:33,271
it was picture day.
91
00:03:33,273 --> 00:03:34,940
Wow.
92
00:03:34,942 --> 00:03:37,943
That's what I said when
they came over the hill.
93
00:03:37,945 --> 00:03:39,945
But it had a lot
more Fs in it.
94
00:03:41,414 --> 00:03:44,666
Thi-This is a picture
of Warren Beatty
95
00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:45,700
and Jack Nicholson.
96
00:03:45,702 --> 00:03:47,402
Yeah, I-I took some more photos
97
00:03:47,404 --> 00:03:50,672
in the Jacuzzi later,
but, uh, I can't display those.
98
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:54,926
Yeah, and that's, um, the
Berlin Wall coming down,
99
00:03:54,928 --> 00:03:57,412
and-and that's
Tiananmen Square,
100
00:03:57,414 --> 00:03:59,381
and this is a dachshund
101
00:03:59,383 --> 00:04:02,017
in a hot dog bun.
102
00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:03,468
You're really talented.
103
00:04:03,470 --> 00:04:05,220
(laughing):
You're really sweet.
104
00:04:05,222 --> 00:04:07,088
Okay, yeah, I've taken up
enough of your time.
105
00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:08,723
I'm gonna get out
of your way now.
106
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,091
Oh, you're not in my way.
107
00:04:10,093 --> 00:04:13,478
I was just going to make a cup
of tea and smoke a joint.
108
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,530
Really?
109
00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:17,699
Yeah. Uh, you want to join me?
110
00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:19,951
That's my idea
of baking with Grandma.
111
00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:22,137
(laughs)
112
00:04:24,123 --> 00:04:26,107
(door closes)
JAKE: Dad? Walden?
113
00:04:26,109 --> 00:04:29,327
Jake?
114
00:04:30,379 --> 00:04:31,630
This is a surprise.
115
00:04:31,632 --> 00:04:33,581
So is this.
116
00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:36,284
What's on your face?
117
00:04:36,286 --> 00:04:37,785
Oh, uh, now that I'm back
in the dating pool,
118
00:04:37,787 --> 00:04:38,920
I want to look my best.
119
00:04:38,922 --> 00:04:41,423
Oh. It's not working.
120
00:04:41,425 --> 00:04:43,124
So, what-what are
you doing home?
121
00:04:43,126 --> 00:04:45,410
Oh, I got a few days pass,
you know, thought
122
00:04:45,412 --> 00:04:47,178
I'd come surprise you,
spend some time together.
123
00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:48,596
That's great.
Wait a second.
124
00:04:48,598 --> 00:04:51,232
Are you in trouble? Is somebody
pregnant? Do you need money?
125
00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:53,268
No, no, and always.
126
00:04:53,270 --> 00:04:56,321
Thing is, I'm gonna be
going away for a while.
127
00:04:56,323 --> 00:04:59,057
Damn it, I forgot jail.
128
00:04:59,059 --> 00:05:00,992
Not jail. Japan.
129
00:05:00,994 --> 00:05:02,027
Japan?
130
00:05:02,029 --> 00:05:03,361
Yeah. They needed an extra cook
131
00:05:03,363 --> 00:05:05,330
at the base over there,
so I volunteered.
132
00:05:05,332 --> 00:05:06,531
Really? Why?
133
00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:09,167
Why not?
I love Benihana.
134
00:05:09,169 --> 00:05:11,202
Oh-oh, my God.
W-When do you leave?
135
00:05:11,204 --> 00:05:12,203
Two weeks.
136
00:05:12,205 --> 00:05:13,321
Wait. Two weeks?!
137
00:05:13,323 --> 00:05:14,822
So-so this is probably
the last time
138
00:05:14,824 --> 00:05:16,491
I'm going to see you
for a while.
139
00:05:16,493 --> 00:05:18,654
Yeah, I guess, unless you're
willing to make the drive.
140
00:05:22,515 --> 00:05:24,665
So Nixon stands on the
helicopter steps, right,
141
00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:28,053
and he does this,
and I take the picture
142
00:05:28,055 --> 00:05:30,388
and I am so excited
that I don't even notice
143
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:33,692
Strom Thurmond's hand
is on my ass.
144
00:05:33,694 --> 00:05:35,276
So, what did you do?
145
00:05:35,278 --> 00:05:37,312
I became a lifelong Democrat.
146
00:05:37,314 --> 00:05:38,646
(laughs)
147
00:05:38,648 --> 00:05:41,216
Wow. You've seen
some incredible things.
148
00:05:41,218 --> 00:05:44,219
Oh, well, you can get into
some pretty amazing places
149
00:05:44,221 --> 00:05:47,205
with a camera, a press
pass, and no bra.
150
00:05:47,207 --> 00:05:49,708
Okay, I'm gonna stop
wearing a bra.
151
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:52,210
You know, it's-it's nice
to have someone to talk to.
152
00:05:52,212 --> 00:05:55,330
Stacey thinks Nicaragua is a
gum you chew to stop smoking.
153
00:05:55,332 --> 00:05:56,581
(laughs)
154
00:05:56,583 --> 00:06:01,286
She also thinks Mount Rushmore
is a natural phenomenon.
155
00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:02,921
It's not?
156
00:06:02,923 --> 00:06:03,888
(laughs)
157
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:06,374
(laughs)
Oh, man.
158
00:06:06,376 --> 00:06:07,708
I should really get going.
159
00:06:07,710 --> 00:06:10,478
Oh, but before you go,
you have to do something for me.
160
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,147
Every person I meet
161
00:06:12,149 --> 00:06:13,982
poses for the same picture.
162
00:06:13,984 --> 00:06:15,600
Oh, I would be honored.
163
00:06:15,602 --> 00:06:17,569
Great. Okay, now,
stand by that wall.
164
00:06:17,571 --> 00:06:19,053
Okay.
165
00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:20,739
Yeah, and, uh,
166
00:06:20,741 --> 00:06:22,557
give me a great big smile.
167
00:06:23,359 --> 00:06:25,193
Now drop your
pants and moon me.
168
00:06:25,195 --> 00:06:27,779
What?
(camera shutter clicks)
169
00:06:27,781 --> 00:06:31,166
That's the picture
I take of everyone.
170
00:06:31,168 --> 00:06:32,917
Okay, I'm still gonna moon you.
171
00:06:36,572 --> 00:06:38,540
So how long is
your tour of duty?
172
00:06:38,542 --> 00:06:41,259
And, yes, I know
I said "duty."
173
00:06:41,261 --> 00:06:44,629
Uh, a year, but if I do
really well, it could be longer.
174
00:06:44,631 --> 00:06:46,080
Okay, so a year.
175
00:06:46,932 --> 00:06:48,650
Hey.
176
00:06:48,652 --> 00:06:50,351
Hey, Walden.
177
00:06:50,353 --> 00:06:51,753
What are you
doing home?
178
00:06:51,755 --> 00:06:53,021
Oh, just visiting.
179
00:06:53,023 --> 00:06:54,889
He's being
transferred to Japan.
180
00:06:54,891 --> 00:06:56,941
Oh, what? That's amazing!
181
00:06:56,943 --> 00:06:59,694
I mean, I'll miss you,
but what a great opportunity.
182
00:06:59,696 --> 00:07:01,563
It's a beautiful country,
gorgeous women,
183
00:07:01,565 --> 00:07:04,282
one step closer
to having this house to myself.
184
00:07:04,284 --> 00:07:06,267
Yeah, the only thing
I'm worried about is,
185
00:07:06,269 --> 00:07:08,536
they still haven't found
Godzilla.
186
00:07:13,275 --> 00:07:15,710
How-how was the party?
187
00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:16,911
Oh, it was great.
188
00:07:16,913 --> 00:07:18,463
I-I met this really hot
22-year-old girl
189
00:07:18,465 --> 00:07:20,465
and spent the whole night
talking to her grandma.
190
00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:23,468
Oh, yeah, "talking
to her grandma."
191
00:07:24,253 --> 00:07:26,137
I know what that means.
192
00:07:32,011 --> 00:07:33,294
Do you?
193
00:07:33,296 --> 00:07:34,479
(scoffs)
Are you kidding?
194
00:07:34,481 --> 00:07:35,980
Whenever I wear my uniform out,
195
00:07:35,982 --> 00:07:38,966
all the ladies let me talk
to their grandma.
196
00:07:45,407 --> 00:07:46,807
I'm just gonna talk to you.
197
00:07:46,809 --> 00:07:48,860
Wait, wait.
198
00:07:48,862 --> 00:07:50,695
So, uh, you met
this hot 22-year-old,
199
00:07:50,697 --> 00:07:53,164
but you spent the night talking
to her grandmother?
200
00:07:53,166 --> 00:07:55,283
That's like going to the
International House of Pancakes
201
00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:56,984
and ordering a bowl of dust.
202
00:07:56,986 --> 00:07:59,254
Okay, clearly, I can't talk
to either of you.
203
00:07:59,256 --> 00:08:01,206
No. No, seriously. Why?
204
00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:05,293
Well, I'm sick of dating
these goofy, shallow girls
205
00:08:05,295 --> 00:08:08,179
that all have a tiny dog
in their purse.
206
00:08:08,181 --> 00:08:12,050
All right,
"tiny dog in their purse."
207
00:08:12,052 --> 00:08:15,270
I'm missing you less and less.
208
00:08:17,306 --> 00:08:19,224
She's really interesting.
209
00:08:19,226 --> 00:08:22,227
Is she like a rapping granny
or something?
210
00:08:22,229 --> 00:08:24,112
Stop talking!
211
00:08:25,814 --> 00:08:27,515
Well, she's smart and funny,
212
00:08:27,517 --> 00:08:29,484
and she's had all
these incredible experiences.
213
00:08:29,486 --> 00:08:31,319
There's just one problem.
214
00:08:31,321 --> 00:08:33,371
What? She can't drive at night?
215
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:38,309
No. If I want
to see Linda again,
216
00:08:38,311 --> 00:08:41,529
I got to see Stacey again,
and if, if I see her,
217
00:08:41,531 --> 00:08:43,864
she's gonna want
to have sex with me.
218
00:08:50,005 --> 00:08:52,257
Could you ask Walden
why that's a problem?
219
00:08:57,346 --> 00:08:59,681
This is nice, huh?
220
00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:01,065
Yes, it is.
221
00:09:02,318 --> 00:09:04,485
In a truly weird way.
222
00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:05,720
There's nothing weird
223
00:09:05,722 --> 00:09:07,322
about three people
having dinner together.
224
00:09:07,324 --> 00:09:10,108
It is when two of them
are on a date.
225
00:09:10,110 --> 00:09:11,776
Oh, come on. We
want you here.
226
00:09:11,778 --> 00:09:13,778
Isn't that right, Stacey?
Huh?
227
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:16,414
Yeah. Totes.
228
00:09:16,416 --> 00:09:19,033
Well, in that case,
I'm totes glad to be here.
229
00:09:19,035 --> 00:09:22,737
So, are-are you into
photography, too?
230
00:09:22,739 --> 00:09:26,291
Oh, yeah,
I take tons of selfies!
231
00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,678
♪ Instagram!
232
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:31,980
(Stacey chuckles)
233
00:09:31,982 --> 00:09:35,133
So, how did you two wind up
living together?
234
00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:38,970
Ugh. She's my grandma. Duh.
235
00:09:40,306 --> 00:09:41,922
Stacey's looking
for a job out here.
236
00:09:41,924 --> 00:09:44,309
She just graduated
from Arizona State.
237
00:09:44,311 --> 00:09:46,427
Oh, wow. What
was your major?
238
00:09:46,429 --> 00:09:47,812
Communications.
239
00:09:47,814 --> 00:09:51,115
You know, I've always wondered,
what is that exactly?
240
00:09:51,117 --> 00:09:55,787
Well... it's kind of hard
to put into words.
241
00:09:55,789 --> 00:09:58,539
I mean, you know,
it's, like, talking and stuff.
242
00:09:58,541 --> 00:10:00,608
Uh-huh.
243
00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:02,627
120 grand.
244
00:10:03,512 --> 00:10:05,279
Ooh.
245
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:07,665
Hey, are we gonna
have sex tonight?
246
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:10,134
There's that
communications degree at work.
247
00:10:10,136 --> 00:10:12,387
(laughs) I hadn't really thought
about it.
248
00:10:12,389 --> 00:10:16,123
'Cause, if not, I just got
invited to a killer party.
249
00:10:17,176 --> 00:10:19,010
Well, I-I wouldn't want
to keep you if...
250
00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:21,813
Great. My friends are gonna
swing by and pick me up.
251
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:24,182
Okay. Do-do you want
to eat something first?
252
00:10:24,184 --> 00:10:25,516
Oh, God, no.
253
00:10:25,518 --> 00:10:27,685
I hate drinking
on a full stomach.
254
00:10:27,687 --> 00:10:30,521
In fact, I'm gonna go throw up
and make a little room.
255
00:10:32,574 --> 00:10:34,525
Pretty sure she's going
to live with me forever.
256
00:10:34,527 --> 00:10:36,944
I got one of those.
257
00:10:40,282 --> 00:10:42,817
I think pizza's the thing
I'm gonna miss the most
258
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,702
when I go to Japan.
259
00:10:44,704 --> 00:10:47,822
Really? Pizza?
260
00:10:47,824 --> 00:10:51,676
Yeah. Well, that and sushi.
261
00:10:53,295 --> 00:10:55,930
Okay. You know what?
This is ridiculous.
262
00:10:55,932 --> 00:10:58,383
I mean, you're-you're
gonna be gone for a year,
263
00:10:58,385 --> 00:10:59,667
and we're sitting
here watching
264
00:10:59,669 --> 00:11:01,269
Dancing with the
Freakin' Stars.
265
00:11:01,271 --> 00:11:04,105
Well, do you want to watch
Hillbilly Gynecologist?
266
00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:06,357
No. No, I don't want
to watch anything.
267
00:11:06,359 --> 00:11:09,360
I want to do something.
Hey, hey, what do you say
268
00:11:09,362 --> 00:11:11,612
we go on a father-son
road trip?
269
00:11:11,614 --> 00:11:13,948
Okay. Can we go to Vegas?
270
00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:15,900
Uh, well, that would be great
except you're not old enough
271
00:11:15,902 --> 00:11:16,951
to drink or gamble.
272
00:11:16,953 --> 00:11:20,872
Right. I don't drink.
273
00:11:20,874 --> 00:11:22,540
Oh, uh, you know
what we could do?
274
00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:26,077
We could see beloved Canadian
songbird Celine Dion.
275
00:11:26,079 --> 00:11:28,413
She is to die for.
276
00:11:29,164 --> 00:11:31,999
Dad?
Mm-hmm.
277
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:34,302
I'm gonna be going away
for a while.
278
00:11:34,304 --> 00:11:37,422
If there's anything you need
to tell me, now's the time.
279
00:11:39,558 --> 00:11:41,876
Well, thank you
very much for dinner.
280
00:11:41,878 --> 00:11:45,079
You know, I was really impressed
that you ordered in Italian.
281
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:47,598
Grazie, signora. Molto bene.
282
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,850
It would've been more impressive
283
00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:51,018
if we'd been
in an Italian restaurant, but...
284
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:52,320
(both laugh)
285
00:11:52,322 --> 00:11:54,221
I had a great time tonight.
286
00:11:54,223 --> 00:11:56,491
Oh, I did, too. Yeah.
287
00:11:57,643 --> 00:11:59,243
Whoa.
288
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:01,446
Look.
289
00:12:01,448 --> 00:12:03,781
You are a wonderful
young man, but...
290
00:12:03,783 --> 00:12:05,783
I have a rule.
291
00:12:05,785 --> 00:12:07,919
I never kiss anyone
who started the night
292
00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:10,121
on a date with my granddaughter.
293
00:12:12,708 --> 00:12:14,709
A rule?
294
00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:17,912
So this has happened before?
295
00:12:22,462 --> 00:12:24,780
So, what do you think?
If we take this route,
296
00:12:24,782 --> 00:12:27,600
we can be at the Grand Canyon
by sunrise tomorrow.
297
00:12:27,602 --> 00:12:28,634
Pretty awesome, huh?
298
00:12:28,636 --> 00:12:30,970
Yeah. You know what
else is awesome?
299
00:12:30,972 --> 00:12:32,037
The Bunny Ranch.
300
00:12:32,039 --> 00:12:34,590
(sighs) We are not going
to a whorehouse,
301
00:12:34,592 --> 00:12:36,259
we're going
to the Grand Canyon.
302
00:12:36,261 --> 00:12:37,927
There's a girl
at the Bunny Ranch
303
00:12:37,929 --> 00:12:39,345
they call the Grand Canyon.
304
00:12:41,932 --> 00:12:43,882
Morning.
305
00:12:43,884 --> 00:12:45,434
Hey, Walden, we're going
on a father-son trip.
306
00:12:45,436 --> 00:12:46,402
Do you want to come?
307
00:12:46,404 --> 00:12:47,270
Jake!
308
00:12:47,272 --> 00:12:49,472
What? I want it to be fun.
309
00:12:50,874 --> 00:12:52,825
I can't. I'm still
sorting things out
310
00:12:52,827 --> 00:12:54,277
with Linda and Stacey.
311
00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:56,295
Oh, right. The grandma-
granddaughter thing.
312
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,247
You know, if you get
the mom in there,
313
00:12:58,249 --> 00:13:01,267
they'll bronze
your johnson.
314
00:13:01,269 --> 00:13:04,670
I am so glad you're a cook,
not a sniper.
315
00:13:05,539 --> 00:13:08,374
So, Japan, huh?
316
00:13:08,376 --> 00:13:11,193
Yeah, the Big Apple.
317
00:13:11,195 --> 00:13:14,180
(sighs)
Have a fun road trip.
318
00:13:14,182 --> 00:13:17,216
I'm gonna miss this.
Give me a hug.
319
00:13:17,218 --> 00:13:19,018
Thanks for everything, Berta.
320
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:21,721
You take care of
yourself, Taterhead.
321
00:13:21,723 --> 00:13:23,022
Are you crying?
322
00:13:23,024 --> 00:13:24,473
Nah.
323
00:13:24,475 --> 00:13:26,425
Don't worry,
you'll still have my dad.
324
00:13:26,427 --> 00:13:28,694
Now I'm crying.
325
00:13:30,948 --> 00:13:33,115
(doorbell rings)
326
00:13:33,951 --> 00:13:35,618
Hi.
327
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,703
Hi. Um, hmm...
328
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:39,438
Well, this is a little awkward.
329
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,742
Um, Stacey's actually
out on a date.
330
00:13:42,744 --> 00:13:44,560
Oh, no. I'm devastated.
331
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,945
I don't think I should be alone.
332
00:13:46,947 --> 00:13:48,331
Look, I'm very flattered,
333
00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:50,666
but I think
we covered this last night.
334
00:13:50,668 --> 00:13:51,884
I brought weed.
335
00:13:52,753 --> 00:13:54,003
(sniffs)
336
00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:56,138
Oh, honey, that's not weed.
337
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:57,807
Come on in.
338
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,011
And stop looking at my ass.
339
00:14:02,896 --> 00:14:04,814
Got it.
340
00:14:04,816 --> 00:14:07,433
Isn't this great?
(chuckles)
341
00:14:07,435 --> 00:14:09,902
The Harper boys,
on the road.
342
00:14:09,904 --> 00:14:12,188
Mothers, lock up
your daughters.
343
00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:15,524
Cows, prepare
to be tipped.
344
00:14:15,526 --> 00:14:17,360
Since when do you tip?
345
00:14:17,362 --> 00:14:19,144
(both laugh)
346
00:14:19,146 --> 00:14:20,413
That's witty banter.
347
00:14:20,415 --> 00:14:22,481
Best thing about a road trip.
Yeah, yeah.
348
00:14:22,483 --> 00:14:24,784
That and joking around.
349
00:14:28,922 --> 00:14:31,290
Can I tell you
something?
350
00:14:31,292 --> 00:14:32,625
Of course.
351
00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:35,494
Back when you and Mom broke up,
352
00:14:35,496 --> 00:14:37,013
I thought it was your fault,
353
00:14:37,015 --> 00:14:39,548
and I was kind of mad at you
for a long time.
354
00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:41,834
Oh, Jake, well, it was...
355
00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:44,720
very complicated. You know,
a lot of things got said...
356
00:14:44,722 --> 00:14:46,722
Yeah, well, let me finish.
357
00:14:46,724 --> 00:14:48,941
Then Mom married Herb
358
00:14:48,943 --> 00:14:50,976
and then broke up with him,
359
00:14:50,978 --> 00:14:55,281
so now I'm thinking
maybe it wasn't all you.
360
00:14:55,283 --> 00:14:57,817
Well, I appreciate that.
361
00:14:57,819 --> 00:15:01,537
But I'm not gonna say anything
bad about your mother.
362
00:15:02,406 --> 00:15:03,956
But you're hoping
I will, right?
363
00:15:03,958 --> 00:15:06,158
Oh, absolutely.
364
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,328
So, after I dropped out
of college,
365
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,831
me and my buddy developed
this software, and we sold it
366
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:13,249
for, like, a stupid amount
of money.
367
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:14,717
And then I lost half of it
in my divorce,
368
00:15:14,719 --> 00:15:16,752
so then I developed some more
software and made it all back,
369
00:15:16,754 --> 00:15:18,971
and I am really freaking high.
370
00:15:20,257 --> 00:15:23,509
I feel like I've been talking
for over a year.
371
00:15:23,511 --> 00:15:25,561
You kind of have.
372
00:15:25,563 --> 00:15:27,096
(chuckles)
373
00:15:27,098 --> 00:15:29,565
So, what do you do now?
374
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,735
A lot of this.
375
00:15:32,737 --> 00:15:34,253
Oh, Walden.
376
00:15:34,255 --> 00:15:36,439
You did yo life backwards.
377
00:15:36,441 --> 00:15:38,007
Yeah. You're
supposed to spend
378
00:15:38,009 --> 00:15:41,410
your youth ad-adventurizing.
379
00:15:41,412 --> 00:15:43,729
A-And then you go into business.
380
00:15:43,731 --> 00:15:47,450
Wait. You said "adventurizing."
(laughs)
381
00:15:47,452 --> 00:15:49,785
That's not even a word.
382
00:15:49,787 --> 00:15:52,037
It is now. I just...
383
00:15:52,039 --> 00:15:53,622
inventorized it.
384
00:15:53,624 --> 00:15:55,341
(both laugh)
385
00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:58,010
No, I mean it.
I mean it. You...
386
00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:02,515
you need to find something...
exciting in your life.
387
00:16:02,517 --> 00:16:03,883
Like what?
388
00:16:03,885 --> 00:16:07,252
Have you ever been chased
by a lion in the Serengeti?
389
00:16:07,254 --> 00:16:10,189
No. But one time
I got in a slap fight
390
00:16:10,191 --> 00:16:11,941
with the guy who plays Simba
at Disneyland.
391
00:16:11,943 --> 00:16:13,142
(chuckles)
392
00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:15,478
That counts.
393
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,695
(laughs)
394
00:16:16,697 --> 00:16:20,232
H-Have you ever been
at a voodoo ritual in Haiti?
395
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:23,202
Or-or-or panned for gold
in the Yukon?
396
00:16:23,204 --> 00:16:25,988
Or... (gasps)
made out with Buzz Aldrin?
397
00:16:25,990 --> 00:16:28,657
Ooh, do I want to make out
with Buzz Aldrin?
398
00:16:28,659 --> 00:16:29,909
Oh, yeah.
399
00:16:29,911 --> 00:16:31,377
(laughs)
400
00:16:31,379 --> 00:16:33,612
You need to find
that thing in your life
401
00:16:33,614 --> 00:16:34,663
that you're afraid to do
402
00:16:34,665 --> 00:16:37,666
and then you
just... do it.
403
00:16:38,552 --> 00:16:40,136
Yeah, maybe you're right.
404
00:16:40,138 --> 00:16:41,337
Mmm.
405
00:16:41,339 --> 00:16:43,222
(moans)
406
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:46,959
Oh, wow.
407
00:16:46,961 --> 00:16:48,360
I'm sorry.
408
00:16:48,362 --> 00:16:52,481
No, no, no, no. This is...
This one's on me. Um...
409
00:16:52,483 --> 00:16:55,133
No, I haven't been with anybody
since my divorce,
410
00:16:55,135 --> 00:16:56,852
and that was three years ago.
411
00:16:56,854 --> 00:16:58,737
Well, how is that possible?
412
00:16:58,739 --> 00:17:00,406
You're a beautiful woman.
413
00:17:00,408 --> 00:17:02,358
No, I was a mess. I...
414
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:06,362
I was faithful to one man
for over 30 years, and...
415
00:17:06,364 --> 00:17:09,815
unfortunately he was only
faithful for six months and...
416
00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:13,702
(sighs)
...not in a row.
417
00:17:15,205 --> 00:17:21,043
Well, he is an idiot
for philanderizing.
418
00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:23,128
(laughs)
419
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:25,831
What are you doing
here, Walden?
420
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:27,516
You're-you're
421
00:17:27,518 --> 00:17:29,468
handsome and young and rich,
422
00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:32,221
and, you know, you can have
any woman you want.
423
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,674
That is what I'm doing here.
424
00:17:38,028 --> 00:17:41,346
(exhales)
Oh, you're good.
425
00:17:41,348 --> 00:17:44,033
Like I said, I...
(sighs)
426
00:17:44,035 --> 00:17:47,620
I haven't been with anyone
for a long time.
427
00:17:47,622 --> 00:17:49,405
I'll go slow.
428
00:17:49,407 --> 00:17:52,625
You misunderstand.
429
00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:55,027
I don't want to go slow.
430
00:17:56,296 --> 00:17:59,215
I want to hurt you.
431
00:18:01,218 --> 00:18:03,552
♪ Men. ♪
432
00:18:03,554 --> 00:18:04,803
These are awesome.
433
00:18:04,805 --> 00:18:07,723
They're the last
of the Charlie Harper Estate.
434
00:18:07,725 --> 00:18:11,060
We were supposed to smoke them
when you graduated college.
435
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,648
(both laugh)
436
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:20,402
I'm really glad
we took this trip.
437
00:18:20,404 --> 00:18:21,737
Me, too.
438
00:18:21,739 --> 00:18:24,807
I can't believe my baby boy
is all grown up and...
439
00:18:24,809 --> 00:18:26,942
headed off to Japan.
440
00:18:26,944 --> 00:18:29,394
Well, tell him to look me up,
'cause I'll be there, too.
441
00:18:30,714 --> 00:18:32,331
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
442
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,667
I'm gonna worry about you
every day you're over there.
443
00:18:34,669 --> 00:18:35,868
Don't worry about me.
444
00:18:35,870 --> 00:18:38,954
Worry about the Japanese.
445
00:18:38,956 --> 00:18:40,572
Kidding?
(chuckles)
446
00:18:40,574 --> 00:18:43,175
Huh? What?
447
00:18:44,010 --> 00:18:45,878
Hey, I, uh...
448
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,047
I got you a little something.
449
00:18:52,752 --> 00:18:56,355
Whoa. This is
a lot of cash.
450
00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:59,525
Did you rob the 7-Eleven
we stopped at?
451
00:18:59,527 --> 00:19:01,477
More like they robbed me.
452
00:19:01,479 --> 00:19:04,947
Six dollars for a Slim Jim
and a Yoo-hoo? Come on.
453
00:19:06,265 --> 00:19:07,783
No, I've been... putting
a little something away
454
00:19:07,785 --> 00:19:08,767
here and there.
455
00:19:08,769 --> 00:19:10,102
Wow. Thanks.
456
00:19:10,104 --> 00:19:11,320
I wish there was more.
457
00:19:11,322 --> 00:19:13,772
I'm just surprised
that there's any.
458
00:19:13,774 --> 00:19:15,107
Okay, I-I deserve that.
459
00:19:15,109 --> 00:19:17,126
I-I know I wasn't the best dad.
460
00:19:17,128 --> 00:19:18,410
Are you kidding?
461
00:19:18,412 --> 00:19:20,963
We lived at a beach house
my whole life, rent-free.
462
00:19:20,965 --> 00:19:22,715
And then, even
after Uncle Charlie died,
463
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:23,949
we managed to stay there.
464
00:19:23,951 --> 00:19:25,968
I mean, who else
could have done that?
465
00:19:25,970 --> 00:19:28,721
I did always make sure you
had a roof over your head.
466
00:19:28,723 --> 00:19:31,123
Even if it was
someone else's.
467
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:32,424
Yeah, you did.
468
00:19:32,426 --> 00:19:34,593
And there were a lot
of hot chicks under that roof.
469
00:19:34,595 --> 00:19:38,480
You don't even want to know how
many times I lost my virginity.
470
00:19:38,482 --> 00:19:41,900
No, I... Yeah, no, I don't.
471
00:19:43,970 --> 00:19:45,020
(sighs)
472
00:19:45,022 --> 00:19:46,989
I guess what I'm trying
to say is,
473
00:19:46,991 --> 00:19:49,307
I wouldn't want anyone else
to be my dad.
474
00:19:49,309 --> 00:19:51,327
Aw.
475
00:19:51,329 --> 00:19:53,028
I wish you hadn't said that.
476
00:19:53,030 --> 00:19:54,312
Why?
477
00:19:54,314 --> 00:19:57,750
Now I got to give you
the rest of the money.
478
00:20:00,653 --> 00:20:02,154
♪ Men. ♪
479
00:20:02,156 --> 00:20:04,173
Oh.
Okay.
480
00:20:04,175 --> 00:20:07,826
So this was
a good idea.
481
00:20:07,828 --> 00:20:10,012
No.
482
00:20:10,014 --> 00:20:12,381
This was a great idea.
Mmm.
483
00:20:12,383 --> 00:20:16,769
And that move you did at the end
there. That's... Yowza.
484
00:20:16,771 --> 00:20:19,671
You can thank Buzz Aldrin
for that one.
485
00:20:19,673 --> 00:20:23,525
It's even better
in zero gravity.
486
00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,778
STACEY: Hello? Nana?
(door opens)
487
00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:27,679
Whoa!
488
00:20:27,681 --> 00:20:28,897
Let me explain.
489
00:20:28,899 --> 00:20:30,515
I'm happy for you.
490
00:20:30,517 --> 00:20:32,350
You should be with an old guy.
491
00:20:32,352 --> 00:20:35,704
(door shuts)
♪ Men. ♪
492
00:20:38,459 --> 00:20:41,178
So, what do
you think?
493
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:44,166
I think, if we can find
a way around this big hole,
494
00:20:44,666 --> 00:20:46,850
we can make it
to the Grand Canyon.
495
00:20:49,687 --> 00:20:51,221
I love you, Jake.
496
00:20:51,223 --> 00:20:53,623
I love you,
too, Dad.
497
00:20:53,625 --> 00:20:55,776
Isn't this majestic?
498
00:20:55,778 --> 00:20:58,912
Yeah. Hey, you know
what else is majestic?
499
00:20:58,914 --> 00:21:01,515
(farts)
(fart echoing)
500
00:21:01,517 --> 00:21:06,517
== sync, corrected by elderman ==