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Previously
on Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:04,592
You seem awfully quiet tonight.
Is everything okay?
3
00:00:04,594 --> 00:00:06,894
I-I've just got
a lot on my mind.
4
00:00:06,896 --> 00:00:09,681
Well, a problem shared
is a problem halved.
5
00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:11,232
I think we should break up.
6
00:00:11,234 --> 00:00:13,601
Lyndsey's downstairs
breaking up with Alan.
7
00:00:13,603 --> 00:00:14,736
Really?
8
00:00:14,738 --> 00:00:16,470
He's gonna be
devastated.
9
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He was madly in love with her.
They've been dating for years.
10
00:00:18,775 --> 00:00:20,041
They were planning
on getting married.
11
00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,693
I-I still love you, Alan.
12
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I'm just not in love
with you anymore.
13
00:00:26,148 --> 00:00:26,981
Hey, Zip.
14
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Just want to be left alone.
15
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Lyndsey's crazy
for breaking up with you.
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You are a great guy.
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Thank you.
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You'll find somebody else.
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As good as Lyndsey?
20
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Look at you.
21
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Already making jokes.
22
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Hey. What you doing?
23
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Oh, just taking a stroll
down memory lane.
24
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It's a photo book
that Lyndsey gave me.
25
00:00:53,710 --> 00:00:57,545
Oh. Here we are
at the Santa Monica Pier.
26
00:00:57,547 --> 00:00:59,680
"Oh, Alan,
I'm having such a great time.
27
00:00:59,682 --> 00:01:02,033
"I know it looks like
I'm eating cotton candy,
28
00:01:02,035 --> 00:01:04,902
"but really I'm just waiting
for someone better to come along
29
00:01:04,904 --> 00:01:06,871
so I can dump your sorry ass."
30
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That dude in the Speedo
totally photo-bombed you.
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Bet she was sleeping
with him, too.
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00:01:12,379 --> 00:01:14,796
And look at the guy
with the churros.
33
00:01:14,798 --> 00:01:16,864
What's he smiling about?
34
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Okay, you know what? You
can't live in the past.
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You also can't
live in this robe.
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It's like the sacred
shroud of urine.
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What happened?
Lyndsey and I were supposed
38
00:01:26,593 --> 00:01:29,677
to take care of each other
for the rest of our lives.
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She'd
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blend my steak
so I didn't have to gum it.
41
00:01:34,234 --> 00:01:37,985
I'd change the tennis balls
on the bottom of her walker.
42
00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:41,823
We'd keep track
of each other's moles.
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It's a romantic picture.
44
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Glad you think so.
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'Cause now
that's just gonna be you and me.
46
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It's not gonna be you and me
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because A)... no.
48
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And B) you're gonna find
somebody new.
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00:01:57,924 --> 00:01:59,674
You just have to have
a positive attitude.
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00:01:59,676 --> 00:02:01,142
If you say you
can't, you're right.
51
00:02:01,144 --> 00:02:02,760
If you say you
can, you might.
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(blows raspberry)
53
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Do that again.
54
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(blows raspberry)
Ow!
55
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Ow!
Now, suck it up!
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Ow!
You're gonna find somebody new!
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I can't.
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Why not?
Look at me!
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00:02:14,808 --> 00:02:15,940
(mumbles gibberish mockingly)
60
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(mumbles)
What?
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Look at me. When I met Lyndsey,
I was a solid six.
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Now I'm a soft four at best.
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Really? You thought
you were a six?
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Well, maybe not a Malibu six,
but a Wal-Mart six.
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And it didn't matter.
I was in love.
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No one takes care of themselves
when they're in love.
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When you know you can have sex
in a sweatshirt,
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you stop doing sit-ups.
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00:02:39,415 --> 00:02:40,965
Well, then,
do something about it.
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Get yourself back in shape,
get some new clothes,
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get a haircut,
get your own place.
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Anything to get
your confidence back.
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00:02:48,624 --> 00:02:51,292
Look, I appreciate the pep talk,
but I've lost all hope.
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Well, I can't give you hope,
75
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but I-I can give you
my American Express Black Card.
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Hope's for losers.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh
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♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh..♪
81
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,646
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 10x22 ♪
My Bodacious Vidalia
Original Air Date on May 2, 2013
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(Skype ringtone plays)
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Oh, hey, Walden.
87
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,178
Hey, Jake, what's going on?
88
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I was just calling my dad back.
89
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He left me a voice mail.
90
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At least, I think it was him.
91
00:03:39,818 --> 00:03:42,085
It was just, like, two minutes
of someone sobbing
92
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and then throwing up.
93
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Yeah, that was him.
94
00:03:46,575 --> 00:03:48,675
How often does he cry?
95
00:03:48,677 --> 00:03:51,728
It'd be quicker to tell you
how often he doesn't.
96
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,179
He's gonna be okay, right?
97
00:03:53,181 --> 00:03:56,733
Yeah, he actually got dressed
today and left the house.
98
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:58,819
And-and-and he even
put on deodorant.
99
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Well, I-I actually
put it on him, but he let me,
100
00:04:01,790 --> 00:04:04,040
so... that's progress.
101
00:04:04,042 --> 00:04:06,643
I'm so glad
that you're there for my dad.
102
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You're like the son
he never had.
103
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Right.
104
00:04:14,385 --> 00:04:16,586
Okay, so I'm gonna get going.
105
00:04:16,588 --> 00:04:19,589
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
I got to go run some black ops
106
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and test some ballistic weapons.
107
00:04:20,876 --> 00:04:23,059
Really? That...
that sounds awesome.
108
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No, I'm just messing with you.
109
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I'm gonna go get high and make,
like, 800 cupcakes.
110
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Sleep well, America.
111
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Ta-da!
112
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Wow!
113
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Wow!
114
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You look...
115
00:04:47,251 --> 00:04:48,952
Look at you.
116
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This is your vision, my friend.
117
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Oh, no, I could not
envision this.
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You were right. It's time for me
to get back to living life.
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Uh, check out my sweet onion.
120
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My bodacious Vidalia.
121
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:07,587
Wow. How did you pack
all of you in there?
122
00:05:07,589 --> 00:05:11,024
Ah, well, uh, I guess
I would have to say, it's...
123
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Spanx to these.
124
00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,429
Is that a girdle?
125
00:05:16,431 --> 00:05:18,949
Oh, no. Uh, it's a-a male sport
control top.
126
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:20,233
It's for athletes.
127
00:05:20,235 --> 00:05:22,769
Athletes with man boobs.
128
00:05:22,771 --> 00:05:24,204
Not anymore.
129
00:05:24,206 --> 00:05:25,489
(laughs)
130
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:28,542
Uh, Heather, the salesgirl,
said I look like a "DILD."
131
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Oh?
132
00:05:30,212 --> 00:05:34,548
It stands for,
"dad I'd like to do."
133
00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:37,250
Okay. Uh, let's-let's talk
about that hair.
134
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Walk me through that.
135
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:41,671
Oh, uh, a-a young man named Juan
did this to me.
136
00:05:41,673 --> 00:05:44,724
Um, uh,
he does Justin Bieber's hair.
137
00:05:44,726 --> 00:05:46,142
Oh, wow, that's lucky.
138
00:05:46,144 --> 00:05:49,229
I-I know. Can't believe
Justin Bieber goes to Supercuts.
139
00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,565
Um...
140
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:52,799
Driving home, you can't imagine
141
00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:54,467
how many people
were checking me out.
142
00:05:54,469 --> 00:05:56,853
Oh, I can imagine.
143
00:05:56,855 --> 00:05:59,656
What do you say we go someplace
and try out my new look?
144
00:05:59,658 --> 00:06:02,308
I want to get my groove on
with the hip, funky people.
145
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:05,579
Okay, yeah, I'll see if I can
fire up the time machine,
146
00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:07,414
and we'll head back to 1974.
147
00:06:07,416 --> 00:06:10,317
I'll, uh...
I'll put my stuff away.
148
00:06:10,319 --> 00:06:11,535
Uh, Alan?
149
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:12,702
Yeah?
150
00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:14,004
My credit card?
151
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:15,539
Oh, uh, right.
152
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,707
(laughs)
153
00:06:22,013 --> 00:06:23,129
Release.
154
00:06:23,131 --> 00:06:25,298
I'm trying.
155
00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:35,442
(indistinct chatter)
156
00:06:35,444 --> 00:06:36,726
Wow.
157
00:06:36,728 --> 00:06:40,363
I'm seeing your hairdo
everywhere I look.
158
00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:43,900
Best ten bucks I ever spent.
159
00:06:44,702 --> 00:06:47,904
I wish I had my deck of cards.
160
00:06:47,906 --> 00:06:49,372
Your deck of cards?
161
00:06:49,374 --> 00:06:51,524
Oh, yeah. Close-up magic
is a great icebreaker
162
00:06:51,526 --> 00:06:53,543
with the ladies.
163
00:06:53,545 --> 00:06:56,713
What is wrong with you?
164
00:06:56,715 --> 00:06:58,915
What is wrong with you
165
00:06:58,917 --> 00:07:01,334
that you have a
quarter in your ear?
166
00:07:01,336 --> 00:07:02,802
Give me that.
167
00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:04,304
Come on.
You're a charming guy.
168
00:07:04,306 --> 00:07:07,007
Just be yourself,
stick to your strengths.
169
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,308
I-I'm sorry. I-I can't hear you.
170
00:07:08,310 --> 00:07:09,926
I have a quarter in my ear.
171
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,895
Will you stop that?
172
00:07:11,897 --> 00:07:14,681
What about her?
Go buy her a drink.
173
00:07:14,683 --> 00:07:17,734
She's a little out of
my league, isn't she?
174
00:07:17,736 --> 00:07:20,720
You're not even playing
in the same sport.
175
00:07:21,689 --> 00:07:23,907
Just go say hi.
176
00:07:23,909 --> 00:07:27,027
Okay, here goes.
177
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:30,229
Uh, hi. Can I buy you a drink?
178
00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:33,750
Uh, no, thanks.
I already have one.
179
00:07:33,752 --> 00:07:38,338
Uh, can I reimburse you
for that one?
180
00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:39,756
Excuse me?
181
00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:42,175
Well, I would have happily
bought you a drink
182
00:07:42,177 --> 00:07:44,427
if I had arrived
a few moments earlier.
183
00:07:44,429 --> 00:07:46,880
Tell you what. Let me just
give you some cash.
184
00:07:46,882 --> 00:07:49,432
You're kidding, right?
185
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:51,801
Uh, here's a ten.
Do you have change?
186
00:07:51,803 --> 00:07:54,688
What is wrong with you?
187
00:07:56,457 --> 00:07:58,358
Well, I'm not gonna tip you.
188
00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:01,277
That was weird.
189
00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:04,197
Yeah, she's the weird one.
190
00:08:04,199 --> 00:08:06,116
Maybe we should just go home.
191
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:07,600
You're just a little rusty.
192
00:08:07,602 --> 00:08:09,619
Let me help you out.
193
00:08:11,271 --> 00:08:13,272
Hi.
194
00:08:13,274 --> 00:08:16,126
Well, hello.
195
00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,878
Yeah, before we go any
further, I should warn you
196
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,382
that I suffered from a
horrific industrial accident
197
00:08:22,384 --> 00:08:24,217
down there.
198
00:08:24,219 --> 00:08:26,136
Oh, no.
199
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:27,971
Oh, yes.
200
00:08:27,973 --> 00:08:30,256
Here. Say hi to
my friend Alan.
201
00:08:31,559 --> 00:08:34,728
How bad was the accident?
202
00:08:35,563 --> 00:08:37,564
Say hi.
203
00:08:37,566 --> 00:08:39,966
Uh, hi. Uh, I'm Alan.
204
00:08:39,968 --> 00:08:41,484
I'm a back doctor,
205
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:44,187
but that doesn't mean
I can't check out your front.
206
00:08:44,189 --> 00:08:45,488
Oh, my God.
207
00:08:45,490 --> 00:08:47,907
(laughing):
That is hilarious!
208
00:08:47,909 --> 00:08:50,493
You're so funny.
209
00:08:50,495 --> 00:08:51,494
(laughs)
210
00:08:51,496 --> 00:08:53,363
Oh, my God.
211
00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:56,166
Um, I have a question for you.
212
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:57,417
Yeah?
213
00:08:57,419 --> 00:08:58,651
How did you get this
214
00:08:58,653 --> 00:09:00,837
quarter in
your ear?
215
00:09:00,839 --> 00:09:02,839
How did you do that?
216
00:09:02,841 --> 00:09:05,825
Pull something else out of me!
217
00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,762
I like her.
218
00:09:08,764 --> 00:09:10,930
Oh, my God!
219
00:09:13,217 --> 00:09:18,021
Excuse me. How did you get
this quarter in your ear?
220
00:09:29,784 --> 00:09:31,117
Wow. (laughs)
221
00:09:31,119 --> 00:09:32,952
This is quite a place.
222
00:09:32,954 --> 00:09:34,204
Thank you.
223
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:36,589
Looks like
Elton John went on safari.
224
00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:42,629
Oh, uh, nice eagle.
225
00:09:42,631 --> 00:09:44,697
It's, uh, very realistic.
226
00:09:44,699 --> 00:09:47,417
I want
to feed it a bronze mouse.
227
00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:50,136
I can't believe
you live here all by yours...
228
00:09:50,138 --> 00:09:51,921
Sabado Gigante.
229
00:09:51,923 --> 00:09:53,890
(laughs)
230
00:09:53,892 --> 00:09:55,742
You like?
231
00:09:55,744 --> 00:09:57,343
Oh, yeah.
232
00:09:57,345 --> 00:10:00,313
The hair on my head isn't
the only thing standing up.
233
00:10:00,315 --> 00:10:02,015
(laughs)
234
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:03,733
Well, now it's your turn.
235
00:10:03,735 --> 00:10:06,385
Can't wait to get my hands
on that tight, little body.
236
00:10:06,387 --> 00:10:09,222
Oh, uh, you know what? Uh,
can I go freshen up a little?
237
00:10:09,224 --> 00:10:10,723
Down the hall to the left.
238
00:10:10,725 --> 00:10:12,525
Okay. (laughs)
239
00:10:12,527 --> 00:10:13,777
I'll be waiting.
240
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,162
(roars)
241
00:10:16,997 --> 00:10:20,450
Ee-ee, ee-ee!
242
00:10:27,574 --> 00:10:29,759
(panting)
243
00:10:54,618 --> 00:10:57,620
Come on.
244
00:10:57,622 --> 00:11:00,623
(grunts)
245
00:11:00,625 --> 00:11:03,793
(pants, grunts)
246
00:11:04,712 --> 00:11:06,045
You've got to be kidding me.
247
00:11:06,047 --> 00:11:09,215
(grunting)
248
00:11:18,292 --> 00:11:20,476
(panting)
249
00:11:40,915 --> 00:11:43,082
(panting)
250
00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:47,837
(groans)
251
00:11:47,839 --> 00:11:50,506
No.
252
00:11:50,508 --> 00:11:53,543
(muttering, panting)
253
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:55,712
Really?
254
00:11:56,847 --> 00:12:00,099
Hurry up or she's gonna think
you're pooping.
255
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:03,102
♪ Men. ♪
256
00:12:04,722 --> 00:12:06,940
Hello?
257
00:12:09,026 --> 00:12:12,028
Hello?
In here.
258
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:14,230
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
259
00:12:15,733 --> 00:12:17,350
Oh, boy.
260
00:12:17,352 --> 00:12:20,587
Um...
261
00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:21,871
um, hi.
262
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:23,373
Oh, sorry. I just...
263
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,491
got to take care
of something here.
264
00:12:25,493 --> 00:12:26,876
Did you gain weight?
265
00:12:26,878 --> 00:12:29,963
Oh. No, uh,
this is water weight.
266
00:12:29,965 --> 00:12:31,631
Uh, too much salt.
267
00:12:31,633 --> 00:12:33,549
So, uh, who-who is this?
Your grandpa?
268
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:35,418
No, he's my husband.
269
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:37,036
Your-your husband?
270
00:12:37,038 --> 00:12:39,372
Oh, don't worry. He doesn't
even know we're here.
271
00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:42,875
Well, maybe not, but I am
not the kind of man who...
272
00:12:44,895 --> 00:12:46,729
...can pass up
an opportunity like this.
273
00:12:46,731 --> 00:12:48,481
(chuckles)
274
00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:49,315
Hold on.
275
00:12:52,269 --> 00:12:55,188
You have a lovely home.
276
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:57,440
♪ Men. ♪
277
00:13:02,693 --> 00:13:04,110
ALAN:
Morning.
278
00:13:05,996 --> 00:13:10,583
Oh, Zippy, like it wasn't
easy enough before.
279
00:13:10,585 --> 00:13:13,753
I wouldn't expect you to
understand European chic.
280
00:13:13,755 --> 00:13:16,973
Looks more like you're
a-peein' on a power line.
281
00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:20,410
Nice.
282
00:13:20,412 --> 00:13:22,745
Hey. Tell me
about that girl last night.
283
00:13:22,747 --> 00:13:25,632
Uh, well, she's a vegetarian.
Yeah.
284
00:13:25,634 --> 00:13:29,302
And her husband's a vegetable.
285
00:13:29,304 --> 00:13:30,419
What?
286
00:13:30,421 --> 00:13:31,554
She's married,
287
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:34,490
and-and the guy's, like,
900 years old.
288
00:13:34,492 --> 00:13:35,308
You're kidding.
289
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:36,192
She hot?
290
00:13:36,194 --> 00:13:37,143
Yeah.
291
00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:38,228
He rich?
292
00:13:38,230 --> 00:13:38,845
Mm-hmm.
293
00:13:38,847 --> 00:13:40,530
Checks out.
294
00:13:40,532 --> 00:13:42,148
(chuckles)
295
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:43,783
So, how old is this guy?
296
00:13:43,785 --> 00:13:45,251
Uh, well,
let me put it this way.
297
00:13:45,253 --> 00:13:47,503
He was one of the original
investors in apple.
298
00:13:47,505 --> 00:13:50,006
The fruit.
(chuckles)
299
00:13:51,608 --> 00:13:54,294
Well, I'm sorry
it didn't work out, man.
300
00:13:54,296 --> 00:13:56,512
No, it worked out.
301
00:13:57,348 --> 00:13:58,715
You didn't.
302
00:13:58,717 --> 00:14:00,250
What do you want from me?
303
00:14:00,252 --> 00:14:02,969
He was in a coma
and she was in a teddy.
304
00:14:02,971 --> 00:14:04,437
Alan, you surprise me. I thought
305
00:14:04,439 --> 00:14:06,072
you had more integrity
than that.
306
00:14:06,074 --> 00:14:08,291
Where in the hell have you been?
307
00:14:09,594 --> 00:14:11,895
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:14:14,816 --> 00:14:17,451
You know what? You know what?
Can we just stop for a second?
309
00:14:17,453 --> 00:14:18,452
What's wrong?
310
00:14:18,454 --> 00:14:20,988
You don't know me
well, but...
311
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:24,992
I happen to be a man
of great integrity,
312
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,544
and it's hard
for me to do this
313
00:14:27,546 --> 00:14:29,630
knowing your husband
is right next door.
314
00:14:29,632 --> 00:14:32,949
You want me to put him in
a cab for a couple hours?
315
00:14:32,951 --> 00:14:35,385
I-I don't think
that's gonna help.
316
00:14:35,387 --> 00:14:38,005
Look, I know I'm
technically taken.
317
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,673
But you have
to understand,
318
00:14:39,675 --> 00:14:41,892
Victor was 80
when I married him.
319
00:14:41,894 --> 00:14:44,645
And now, 12 years
later, he's still alive
320
00:14:44,647 --> 00:14:48,965
and we're both using machines
to get us through the night.
321
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:52,269
Well, how did you two
even meet?
322
00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:55,072
I was on a pole, he
was in a wheelchair.
323
00:14:55,074 --> 00:14:57,974
Our eyes met, and when
I turned right side up,
324
00:14:57,976 --> 00:15:00,193
I knew he was the one.
325
00:15:01,946 --> 00:15:04,331
That's-that's very...
romantic.
326
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:07,334
I can't expect you to
understand what it's like
327
00:15:07,336 --> 00:15:10,203
to rely on someone to put
a roof over your head
328
00:15:10,205 --> 00:15:13,674
and provide you with the
luxurious life you deserve.
329
00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:17,160
Oh, my God,
we're soul mates.
330
00:15:17,162 --> 00:15:19,346
(moaning)
331
00:15:21,799 --> 00:15:24,851
(doorbell rings)
ALAN: Oh, I got it.
332
00:15:24,853 --> 00:15:27,054
It's for me.
333
00:15:28,106 --> 00:15:31,475
Surprise!
334
00:15:31,477 --> 00:15:33,060
Y-You brought your husband?
335
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:35,696
It's our anniversary.
336
00:15:36,814 --> 00:15:38,515
It didn't seem right
to leave him alone.
337
00:15:38,517 --> 00:15:40,033
Uh, well...
338
00:15:40,035 --> 00:15:41,785
this doesn't seem better.
339
00:15:43,237 --> 00:15:45,205
Uh, but come on in.
340
00:15:45,207 --> 00:15:48,225
Um, uh, Meghan,
you remember Walden.
341
00:15:48,227 --> 00:15:50,911
Walden, this is
Meghan's husband Victor.
342
00:15:50,913 --> 00:15:52,879
It's their anniversary.
343
00:15:52,881 --> 00:15:55,582
Hi, Victor.
It's nice to meet you.
344
00:15:57,635 --> 00:16:00,003
Yeah, this is normal.
345
00:16:00,005 --> 00:16:01,388
Can you give me a hand?
346
00:16:01,390 --> 00:16:02,951
I'm just gonna wheel him
on to the deck.
347
00:16:02,952 --> 00:16:03,758
Oh,
348
00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:05,475
uh, sure.
No problem.
349
00:16:05,477 --> 00:16:06,727
Oh,
350
00:16:06,729 --> 00:16:10,063
look, Victor! The ocean!
351
00:16:10,065 --> 00:16:14,418
You remember it from when
you discovered America.
352
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:16,653
That's a... that's a good one,
but technically Columbus
353
00:16:16,655 --> 00:16:18,021
didn't actually...
Shut up.
354
00:16:18,023 --> 00:16:19,222
Right. Do you...
355
00:16:19,224 --> 00:16:20,741
do you think we should
get them a cake?
356
00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:23,076
Are you... Look at him.
He is a cake.
357
00:16:23,078 --> 00:16:25,696
Right, right. Pl-Plus,
we don't want to get him
358
00:16:25,698 --> 00:16:27,864
all hopped up
on sugar.
359
00:16:27,866 --> 00:16:29,332
(quietly):
Come here.
360
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:33,537
There are a billion women
in this world. Why this one?
361
00:16:33,539 --> 00:16:36,339
(quietly): I don't know. She's like
a-a powerful sex magnet,
362
00:16:36,341 --> 00:16:40,127
and I'm like a...
sex refrigerator.
363
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:41,928
What does that even mean?
(sighs)
364
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:43,630
I have no idea
what it means. I just...
365
00:16:43,632 --> 00:16:45,632
I-I need you to babysit
her decomposing husband
366
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,134
while I plow his wife.
367
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:51,555
It's their anniversary.
368
00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:02,566
Oh, come on.
369
00:17:08,823 --> 00:17:10,957
G...
370
00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:14,828
Looks like you...
found a new friend, Vic.
371
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:17,214
Can I call you Vic?
372
00:17:17,216 --> 00:17:19,216
I'm gonna call you Vic.
373
00:17:20,618 --> 00:17:22,786
(sighs)
374
00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:29,092
Is this what I have
to look forward to, Vic?
375
00:17:29,094 --> 00:17:32,129
You live your life,
you try to be a good person,
376
00:17:32,131 --> 00:17:34,598
you work hard
to achieve your goals,
377
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,349
only to end up a prisoner
to your own body
378
00:17:36,351 --> 00:17:38,301
while the love of your life
is in the next room
379
00:17:38,303 --> 00:17:41,488
doing the splits for some idiot
she met in a bar.
380
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:44,825
I mean, if this is it,
just kill me now.
381
00:17:44,827 --> 00:17:46,877
(flatline tone)
382
00:17:49,664 --> 00:17:51,281
Vic?
383
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:52,699
Vic?!
384
00:17:52,701 --> 00:17:54,417
Aw, come on!
385
00:17:57,755 --> 00:18:00,207
Alan!
386
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,209
ALAN:
Bad time, Walden!
387
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:05,995
It's even worse out
here! Open the door!
388
00:18:05,997 --> 00:18:08,014
(quietly):
What could be so important?
389
00:18:08,016 --> 00:18:11,334
I'm pretty sure that your
girlfriend's husband is dead.
390
00:18:11,336 --> 00:18:13,002
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
391
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:15,338
She's not my girlfriend.
392
00:18:17,308 --> 00:18:20,026
MEGHAN:
No, no, no. He can't die here.
393
00:18:20,028 --> 00:18:21,945
I think he already did.
394
00:18:21,947 --> 00:18:24,948
No, you don't understand.
He can't die here.
395
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:27,450
I have an infidelity clause
in my prenup.
396
00:18:27,452 --> 00:18:30,120
If his greedy 70-year-old kids
find out that I was here,
397
00:18:30,122 --> 00:18:32,572
they'll take all my money.
398
00:18:32,574 --> 00:18:34,708
Are you kidding?
Your money?
399
00:18:34,710 --> 00:18:37,410
Well, in all fairness, she did
earn it the old-fashioned way.
400
00:18:38,362 --> 00:18:39,830
Well, thank you, Alan.
401
00:18:39,832 --> 00:18:41,214
Show a little respect.
402
00:18:41,216 --> 00:18:44,050
Now stuff him in the car
while I go find my panties.
403
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:46,536
(quietly):
Look at what you did.
404
00:18:46,538 --> 00:18:48,088
You got my girlfriend upset.
405
00:18:48,090 --> 00:18:50,223
I thought she wasn't
your girlfriend.
406
00:18:50,225 --> 00:18:51,892
She's gonna inherit
millions of dollars.
407
00:18:51,894 --> 00:18:53,226
She's my girlfriend.
408
00:18:57,348 --> 00:18:58,899
MEGHAN:
Okay,
409
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:00,233
when we get there,
we'll put him in his bed,
410
00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:02,385
you guys leave
and I'll call 911.
411
00:19:02,387 --> 00:19:04,053
Don't worry, sweetheart,
after the funeral
412
00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:06,573
we'll go someplace warm and
beautiful where we can heal.
413
00:19:06,575 --> 00:19:08,024
And tan.
414
00:19:08,026 --> 00:19:11,444
And swim with the dolphins.
Ee-ee, ee-ee!
415
00:19:11,446 --> 00:19:13,947
You two dreamers
do realize
416
00:19:13,949 --> 00:19:16,199
that what we're doing
right now is a felony.
417
00:19:16,201 --> 00:19:17,667
I-I realize
and I owe you one.
418
00:19:17,669 --> 00:19:20,403
One? Seriously? One?
419
00:19:21,956 --> 00:19:23,456
I want ice cream!
420
00:19:23,458 --> 00:19:25,091
(others screaming)
421
00:19:32,012 --> 00:19:34,396
♪ Men. ♪
422
00:19:34,398 --> 00:19:38,634
I can't believe you found
a quarter down there.
423
00:19:39,702 --> 00:19:43,539
And if you look closely,
George is smiling.
424
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,958
Why don't I get us
some champagne?
425
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,627
Oh, yes.
426
00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:51,997
Champagne makes me do
crazy things.
427
00:19:51,999 --> 00:19:55,917
Well, that's good 'cause...
crazy... thing.
428
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,957
Nice job in there.
429
00:20:04,427 --> 00:20:06,395
You saw?
430
00:20:06,397 --> 00:20:09,347
I like to watch. Shh.
431
00:20:09,349 --> 00:20:14,349
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
432
00:20:17,941 --> 00:20:20,275
♪ Men. ♪