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Previously, on...
2
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H-Hello?
3
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Hey, Dad. Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Tammy.
4
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Uh, Tammy,
this is my dad Alan.
5
00:00:08,464 --> 00:00:09,765
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
6
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How'd you two meet?
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A couple of us guys
from the base
8
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went out drinking, and they
bet me a hundred bucks
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that I wouldn't get
this tattoo of two arms
10
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coming out of
my butt crack.
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Oh, Jake, you didn't.
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No, Tammy wouldn't let me.
Thank you for that.
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I took one look
at his ass and I thought,
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I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.
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She's old enough
to have you as her kid.
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So what? You are, too.
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I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.
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The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.
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And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever,
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but it's what I want
in my life right now.
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And I don't know when
the last time you had sex
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with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.
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What a nice surprise
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to have you home
for the weekend.
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Well, it's good
to be home.
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Okay. I hate to be the one
to break up this happy reunion,
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but you both do realize
this is not your home.
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(chuckles)
He's cute.
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He really is, though.
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ALAN: So, uh,
so what's going on?
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Anything new in the Army?
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Oh, did I tell you
I got promoted?
33
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I'm in charge of three
other guys in the kitchen now.
34
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Wow! My son the leader.
35
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Yeah, it's awesome.
They have to do whatever I say.
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I made this one guy
chug a tray of hot dog water.
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Uh, why would you do that?
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It's called
earning respect, Dad.
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I-I don't understand.
40
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Which part?
Earning or respect?
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Bazinga.
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Uh, it's from a TV show.
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So, uh, how are things
with you and Tammy?
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Actually, we broke up.
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened?
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We just decided
it wasn't gonna work out.
47
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We had
unrecognizable differences.
48
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Uh, u-unrecognizable
differences?
49
00:01:48,982 --> 00:01:50,615
Yeah, you know,
when you can't see
50
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what the problem is, but you
just have to break up anyway.
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(doorbell rings)
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Somehow that actually
makes sense.
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So, are you doing okay?
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I know breakups can be hard.
55
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Yeah, it actually helps
to focus on my career.
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Get this-- one time
I made the guys
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stick their things in pudding.
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They must respect you so much.
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Tammy.
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Where the hell is he?!
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I assume that you're talking...
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Jake!
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Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Get back here,
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you son of a bitch!
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I am gonna kill you!
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I sense that he didn't
tell us everything.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
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♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh
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♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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JAKE: Let...
let go of me!
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Am I hurting you?
No.
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How about now?
Ow, ow, ow.
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Wait, what-what
the hell is going on?
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Tell them.
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Um, I broke up with Tammy
to see another girl.
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Oh, well, you know,
81
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sometimes relationships
run their course...
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Tell them who it was.
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I don't think
they really...
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Tell them!
Ow!
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It was her daughter.
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Wait, wait, y-you slept
with your girlfriend's daughter?
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Jerry Springer is taped
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before a live
studio audience.
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I trusted you to be a
good influence on Ashley.
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You know, it was your idea
for us to spend time together.
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You were supposed to be
tutoring her in math!
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What were you thinking?
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Jake tutoring math?
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What were you thinking?
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I figured you were gonna
find another girl someday.
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I just didn't
think it would be
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the one that came
from my uterus.
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I'm sorry,
it just sort of happened.
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Ow!
100
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Sorry, it just
sort of happened.
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Jake, did you even once consider
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that there were
other people involved?
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Yeah, of course. I mean,
that's what made it so hot.
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Her mom was in the other room.
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That's it,
I'm killing him!
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Dad! Dad!
107
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(chanting):
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
108
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Okay, walk me through this.
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Start from the beginning.
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Well, by all accounts,
I was a happy baby.
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Fast-forward.
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You and Tammy's daughter.
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How?
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All right.
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Imagine Tammy at 18,
in a string bikini,
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crying on your shoulder,
saying,
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"Why can't all guys
be like you?"
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Walden?
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Oh, sorry,
I was still imagining.
120
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It was the perfect storm.
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Ashley, had just broken up
with her boyfriend
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and Tammy was asleep.
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I'm the victim here.
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Okay, I...
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On one hand,
your behavior is despicable.
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On the other,
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the elusive mother-daughter
combo. Up top.
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But... (sighs)
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last time you were
here, you were saying
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that Tammy was the
love of your life
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and you wanted
to marry her.
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What can I say?
I was young and naive back then.
133
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That was six
weeks ago.
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I never meant to hurt Tammy.
135
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I care about them both.
136
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Hey, do you think
there would ever be a chance
137
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I could
get them both together...
138
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You're adorable.
139
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What the hell
is wrong with your son?
140
00:05:55,994 --> 00:05:59,045
That is a question for the ages.
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Kind of like,
"If there really is a God,
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why is there so much sorrow
in the world?"
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or, "How have I managed
144
00:06:05,386 --> 00:06:07,970
to keep living in this house
all these years?"
145
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You know, I'm tempted to sleep
with you just to get back
146
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at him.
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00:06:11,392 --> 00:06:12,758
(gasping)
148
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,678
Oh, well, I'm, uh,
I'm, uh, I'm flattered,
149
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:16,896
but I actually...
150
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,514
I was just kidding.
151
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(sighs) How could
he do this to me?
152
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Well, you said yourself,
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you knew this thing with
Jake wasn't gonna last.
154
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Yeah, but there are plenty
155
00:06:27,225 --> 00:06:28,658
of other little skanks
in our town.
156
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Why did he have
to pick my little skank?
157
00:06:30,411 --> 00:06:34,447
I wish there was something that
would make you feel better.
158
00:06:34,449 --> 00:06:36,582
Uh, what if
Jake apologized?
159
00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:38,584
What if I cut his balls off?
160
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So, we've got options.
161
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All right, you two,
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now-now, let's, uh,
let's think of the couch
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as a safe place
for communication.
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Uh, uh, neutral corner,
neutral corner.
165
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Now, and-and this,
uh, this pillow
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represents the wall of respect.
167
00:07:03,443 --> 00:07:06,145
Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
place it between the two of you.
168
00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:09,031
Okay?
169
00:07:09,033 --> 00:07:10,733
Now, uh, Tammy, would you like
170
00:07:10,735 --> 00:07:12,618
to start?
171
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Hey! Hey!
172
00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:16,739
She hit me
with the wall of respect.
173
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And you slept with my daughter.
174
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So we'll call it even?
175
00:07:21,178 --> 00:07:22,295
Hey!
176
00:07:22,297 --> 00:07:24,080
What's going on?
177
00:07:24,082 --> 00:07:26,249
Oh, well,
it's complicated.
178
00:07:26,251 --> 00:07:27,883
Uh, remember
Jake's girlfriend Tammy?
179
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Yeah.
180
00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:31,087
She has
an 18-year-old daughter...
181
00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:33,222
And Jake nailed her.
182
00:07:36,293 --> 00:07:38,978
Okay, not
that complicated.
183
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,480
Uh, Jake,
do you want to say something?
184
00:07:41,482 --> 00:07:42,865
All right.
185
00:07:42,867 --> 00:07:45,985
Uh, I'm sorry for cheating
on you with your daughter.
186
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,770
But, I mean,
187
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when you think about it,
it's really a compliment.
188
00:07:50,141 --> 00:07:52,658
'Cause she's just
a much younger version of you.
189
00:07:55,312 --> 00:07:56,329
(doorbell rings)
190
00:07:56,331 --> 00:07:58,364
I'll get that.
I'll get that.
191
00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:00,366
I didn't know
Jake had it in him.
192
00:08:00,368 --> 00:08:03,419
Apparently, he's had
it in everybody.
193
00:08:04,621 --> 00:08:05,454
Ashley?
194
00:08:05,456 --> 00:08:07,823
Baby!
195
00:08:07,825 --> 00:08:09,458
Get your mouth off my daughter
196
00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:11,127
you cheating
son of a bitch!
197
00:08:11,129 --> 00:08:14,263
Oh, that would make
a great country song.
198
00:08:15,682 --> 00:08:17,183
Ashley, what are you doing here?
199
00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:20,219
Mom, I know you're upset
and that's why I came, but...
200
00:08:20,221 --> 00:08:21,771
Hey, is that my shirt?
201
00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,639
Hey, is that my boyfriend?
202
00:08:23,641 --> 00:08:25,007
Oh, please!
203
00:08:25,009 --> 00:08:27,193
Like you haven't stolen
boyfriends from me before.
204
00:08:27,195 --> 00:08:29,111
He was your teacher!
205
00:08:29,113 --> 00:08:31,364
Yeah, and thanks to you,
I failed biology.
206
00:08:31,366 --> 00:08:32,898
No, biology failed me!
207
00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,450
(gasps)
208
00:08:34,452 --> 00:08:38,654
This makes me
so homesick.
209
00:08:38,656 --> 00:08:39,789
Come on, Mom.
210
00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:41,907
No, Ashley, I am
not gonna let you
211
00:08:41,909 --> 00:08:43,576
throw your life away
for this loser.
212
00:08:43,578 --> 00:08:45,745
Hey, hey, that
loser is my son.
213
00:08:45,747 --> 00:08:47,029
And your ex-boyfriend.
214
00:08:47,031 --> 00:08:48,631
Yeah, I was
just having fun.
215
00:08:48,633 --> 00:08:50,333
Ashley needs to think
about her future.
216
00:08:50,335 --> 00:08:52,201
Hey... he has
a very bright...
217
00:08:53,236 --> 00:08:56,756
You know what, this
is family business.
218
00:08:56,758 --> 00:08:58,257
You are not
the boss of me.
219
00:08:58,259 --> 00:09:00,810
If I want to date a
loser, then I will.
220
00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:02,845
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
221
00:09:02,847 --> 00:09:07,383
I can actually feel
my IQ dropping.
222
00:09:11,271 --> 00:09:13,022
Are you Jake's father?
223
00:09:13,024 --> 00:09:13,889
Yeah.
224
00:09:13,891 --> 00:09:15,724
Oh!
225
00:09:17,277 --> 00:09:20,279
You don't have to
pay me for today.
226
00:09:20,281 --> 00:09:22,782
♪ Men. ♪
227
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:27,514
What the hell?
228
00:09:27,516 --> 00:09:28,932
Why did you hit me?
229
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,967
Because I can't hit a kid.
230
00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:33,187
And your son's
messing with my Ashley.
231
00:09:33,189 --> 00:09:34,104
You're Ashley's dad?
232
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,206
Ew! No!
Ew! No!
233
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,741
I'm her boyfriend.
234
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,743
Ew. No.
Ew. No.
235
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,147
He's my ex-boyfriend.
236
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,198
I'm with Jake now.
237
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,167
Oh, come on,
I take craps bigger than him.
238
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:52,423
Takes me an hour and a half,
but I do it.
239
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,124
What are you
doing here, Jerry?
240
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,626
Whoa, Jerry?
241
00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:58,545
From Jerry's Cadillac
in Tustin?
242
00:09:58,547 --> 00:09:59,713
That's right, son.
243
00:09:59,715 --> 00:10:01,348
No credit, no problem.
244
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:02,433
Really?
245
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,718
"Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy."
246
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,520
I want a daddy.
247
00:10:10,725 --> 00:10:12,609
I want you back, Ashley.
248
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,695
(scoffs) Whatever.
Too little, too late, Jer-Bear.
249
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,196
Yeah, Jer-Bear.
250
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:19,366
You know, it's like that
old song: "If you liked it,
251
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,918
then you should've put
a ring on it."
252
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,970
Well, I bought you a belly ring.
253
00:10:22,972 --> 00:10:24,571
Oh, that was you?
254
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:27,708
I chipped my tooth
on that thing.
255
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,526
Uh, just out of curiosity,
256
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:32,796
how did you meet
Hannah Montana here?
257
00:10:33,882 --> 00:10:35,415
It's actually a cute story.
258
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:36,967
We were shooting a commercial
259
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,336
for our Fourth of July
Savings Spectacular.
260
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,838
I was dressed as Uncle Sam,
261
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,973
with a row of pretty girls
behind me
262
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,008
wearing bikinis
and waving sparklers.
263
00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:46,643
I took one look at Ashley,
264
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:50,597
pointed at her and said,
"Uncle Sam wants you."
265
00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:54,601
That is a cute story.
266
00:10:54,603 --> 00:10:57,821
Fireworks went off in
my pants that night.
267
00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,942
Okay, not so
cute anymore.
268
00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:04,778
I mean, how can you not love
a girl like this?
269
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,164
She's smart, she's funny,
and she's got a better body
270
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,233
than the new SRX Crossover.
Don't you, darling?
271
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:12,553
Don't "darling" me. You had
your chance and you blew it.
272
00:11:12,555 --> 00:11:15,205
Oh, come on, Ashley.
I've been married four times.
273
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,291
And you know
why they didn't work.
274
00:11:17,293 --> 00:11:18,709
I got a mistress,
275
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:22,963
and her name
is Customer Satisfaction.
276
00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:24,464
All right.
277
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:27,050
Look, Jerry, if my little girl
doesn't want to see you,
278
00:11:27,052 --> 00:11:28,251
then you got to go.
279
00:11:28,253 --> 00:11:30,854
Thanks, Mom.
Shut up.
280
00:11:31,723 --> 00:11:33,757
Okay.
281
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,059
It takes two
to make a deal.
282
00:11:36,061 --> 00:11:38,729
But know this, Ashley:
283
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:42,482
I guarantee
I will always love you.
284
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:47,037
Just like I guarantee
no one can beat my prices.
285
00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:56,780
♪ If you need a set of wheels,
Jerry's making super deals ♪
286
00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:01,752
♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪
287
00:12:05,790 --> 00:12:07,724
Oh, come on.
It's catchy.
288
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,898
God, I've failed
as a parent.
289
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:15,983
No.
290
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,484
Yeah.
291
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:20,320
Maybe.
292
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,323
My beautiful young daughter
has narrowed her choices down
293
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:27,945
to a 19-year-old who needs
to ask the Wizard for a brain
294
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:29,529
and a sleazy car salesman
295
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:33,667
who barely escaped
a Dateline special.
296
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,203
O-Okay, so it's not
an ideal situation,
297
00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:38,171
but... what is?
298
00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:39,873
Sometimes kids
make mistakes.
299
00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:42,426
Yeah, sometimes kids
are mistakes.
300
00:12:44,095 --> 00:12:45,679
Well, look,
when I was a kid,
301
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:47,998
I made a lot of choices
my parents didn't agree with.
302
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,101
Like dropping out of M.I.T.,
and that turned out great.
303
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,135
(chuckles)
304
00:12:52,137 --> 00:12:53,353
Somehow I don't think
305
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,006
Ashley's on the road
to incredible wealth.
306
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:58,191
She's more on the road
307
00:12:58,193 --> 00:13:01,528
to antibiotic-resistant
gonorrhea.
308
00:13:03,531 --> 00:13:05,616
Wow.
309
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,068
That's... just...
310
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:10,787
Wow.
311
00:13:11,623 --> 00:13:13,690
When is it gonna stop?
312
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,409
When's what gonna stop?
313
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:16,627
The taking.
314
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,046
I mean, that's all
kids ever do.
315
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,548
I mean, first they
take over your body
316
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,884
like a little parasite.
317
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:27,203
And then they trash your
fun zone on the way out.
318
00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:32,092
Then they suck your boobs
until your nipples
319
00:13:32,094 --> 00:13:35,211
look like the worn-out thumb
on a work glove.
320
00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:39,983
You do paint a picture
with your words.
321
00:13:41,002 --> 00:13:43,386
And then it
gets really bad.
322
00:13:43,388 --> 00:13:46,657
They take your
sleep, your time,
323
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,110
your favorite dress,
keys to your car,
324
00:13:50,112 --> 00:13:52,362
the weed you had hidden
in a cowboy boot
325
00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,781
in the back of
your closet.
326
00:13:54,783 --> 00:13:57,000
Leave it up to my daughter
to go the extra mile
327
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,234
and take my boyfriend.
328
00:13:58,236 --> 00:14:00,620
And you know
why you keep giving?
329
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,290
Because I'm a glutton
for punishment?
330
00:14:03,292 --> 00:14:05,842
Because you love her, and
you want what's best for her.
331
00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:07,911
I suppose.
332
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,630
Okay, let me ask you this:
were you happy with Jake?
333
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,082
I mean, you know,
334
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:14,885
before he started
climbing the family tree.
335
00:14:16,754 --> 00:14:19,389
Honestly, Jake's
a great guy.
336
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:22,275
So isn't it possible
337
00:14:22,277 --> 00:14:25,395
that he may also be a great guy
for your daughter?
338
00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:26,563
No.
339
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:28,065
Yes.
340
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,232
Maybe.
341
00:14:31,969 --> 00:14:35,288
Really? The thumb
on a work glove?
342
00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:37,290
Oh, honey, that was
two boob jobs ago.
343
00:14:37,292 --> 00:14:40,577
These puppies can
cut glass now.
344
00:14:50,955 --> 00:14:52,456
Sorry Jerry
hit you, Dad.
345
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,591
So am I.
346
00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:56,760
Yeah, what was that about?
I mean, he won't hit a kid,
347
00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:59,462
but he'll hit somebody
way older than him?
348
00:15:00,297 --> 00:15:01,631
What?
349
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:04,301
(loudly):
I said, "He won't hit a kid,
350
00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:07,854
but he'll hit someone
way older than him!"
351
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:10,774
Hey.
352
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,160
(clears throat)
353
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,112
(sighs)
354
00:15:15,114 --> 00:15:17,480
I have something
I want to say to you two.
355
00:15:17,482 --> 00:15:18,832
Don't care.
356
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,952
I swear to God, Ashley, I paid
to get those teeth straight,
357
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,286
I will crooked 'em up again!
358
00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:25,072
WALDEN:
Up-bup-bup-bup.
359
00:15:25,074 --> 00:15:27,657
Eye on the ball, Tammy.
Eye on the ball.
360
00:15:30,011 --> 00:15:32,679
If you two want
to be with each other,
361
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,765
I am not gonna stand
in your way.
362
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:35,782
Really?
363
00:15:35,784 --> 00:15:37,517
If you think you can
be happy together,
364
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:38,668
then be happy together.
365
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,754
Wow. Thank you, Tammy.
366
00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:43,607
I... guess I just
hope Ashley and I
367
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,610
can be as happy as
you and I were.
368
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,481
Stop talking.
369
00:15:53,351 --> 00:15:55,702
But I already am happy,
Jake-Bear.
370
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,021
Give me some sugar.
371
00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:02,692
This is the oddest family moment
I have ever witnessed.
372
00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:04,327
(doorbell rings)
373
00:16:06,247 --> 00:16:08,331
Maybe I should
grease up a pig
374
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,717
in case they want
to wrestle later.
375
00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:15,005
Jerry.
376
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,140
(sighs)
I feel bad about before,
377
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,977
so I brought you an official
Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie.
378
00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:24,514
I told you, it's over.
379
00:16:24,516 --> 00:16:26,566
You did.
380
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,551
But I'm driving home
381
00:16:28,553 --> 00:16:31,554
in my limited edition
Escalade...
382
00:16:35,159 --> 00:16:37,110
...when it hits me.
383
00:16:37,112 --> 00:16:40,363
If I've learned one thing
in my 25 years
384
00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,749
as Orange County's
number one dealer
385
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,701
of premium
luxury vehicles,
386
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,504
it's that you don't take no
for an answer.
387
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,173
God, this guy's good.
388
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,759
So I came back here
to ask you just
389
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,977
one question.
390
00:16:53,979 --> 00:16:56,363
(gasps)
391
00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:59,916
What's it gonna take to get you
into my life today?
392
00:17:00,968 --> 00:17:02,936
Oh, my God,
look at the size of that rock.
393
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,189
Dude, you can't buy her love
with a diamond ring.
394
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,941
But wait, there's more.
395
00:17:10,111 --> 00:17:14,264
My manager's gonna kill me,
but if you say yes right now...
396
00:17:16,150 --> 00:17:19,786
...I will throw in a 2012
powder blue Mercedes SL
397
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,372
I just bought
at a police auction.
398
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,942
I don't know what to do.
399
00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:29,279
ALAN and TAMMY:
Take the car!
400
00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:30,380
Dad!
401
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,282
It's a Mercedes.
402
00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:34,885
We got a deal, Ashley?
403
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,053
Sold!
404
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:39,756
OTHERS:
Aw...
405
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:42,008
Ew!
406
00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:44,627
I love these people.
407
00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:46,930
♪ Men. ♪
408
00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:52,896
(knocking, door opens)
409
00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:54,548
Jake?
410
00:17:57,018 --> 00:17:58,718
Doing okay?
411
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,320
I guess.
412
00:18:00,322 --> 00:18:03,039
I really screwed things up
this time, didn't I?
413
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,724
Well...
414
00:18:04,726 --> 00:18:07,727
you certainly screwed
everything you could.
415
00:18:07,729 --> 00:18:09,763
I mean, I had
such a good thing going--
416
00:18:09,765 --> 00:18:11,932
first with Tammy
and then Ashley---
417
00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:14,301
and now I'm all alone.
418
00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,236
That's because you're a Harper.
419
00:18:16,238 --> 00:18:17,654
It's what we do.
420
00:18:17,656 --> 00:18:20,907
We take something good
and turn it into nothing.
421
00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:23,643
I don't like being a Harper.
422
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,562
Nobody does, son.
423
00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:27,730
Nobody does.
424
00:18:33,704 --> 00:18:35,338
What a day, huh?
425
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:36,873
Yeah.
426
00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:38,458
Sorry about all the trouble.
427
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,110
Oh. You kidding me?
428
00:18:40,112 --> 00:18:42,462
Jerry sold me an Escalade
at dealer cost.
429
00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:45,382
Oh, honey, you didn't
fall for that, did you?
430
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,185
He really is the king,
isn't he?
431
00:18:50,021 --> 00:18:52,439
And my daughter gets
to be the queen.
432
00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:55,308
It's a white trash fairy tale.
433
00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:57,277
Hey. Let's talk
about something happier.
434
00:18:57,279 --> 00:18:59,362
Remember when Alan
got punched in the face?
435
00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:02,599
(laughing):
Yeah. That was awesome.
436
00:19:03,784 --> 00:19:06,119
Mmm. (chuckles)
(sighs)
437
00:19:06,121 --> 00:19:08,538
You know, the older I get,
438
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:11,291
the less I understand
about relationships.
439
00:19:11,293 --> 00:19:13,577
Me, too. I'm like a blind man
440
00:19:13,579 --> 00:19:16,062
trying to get out
of a doorknob factory.
441
00:19:16,064 --> 00:19:18,798
I mean, how is
that possible?
442
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,668
I mean, you're handsome
and smart and charming...
443
00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:23,620
You're embarrassing me.
444
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:25,672
Go on.
445
00:19:25,674 --> 00:19:27,641
I mean, you got
the whole package.
446
00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:29,342
Well, you do, too.
447
00:19:29,344 --> 00:19:31,611
I mean, you're beautiful,
you're independent,
448
00:19:31,613 --> 00:19:33,096
you're intelligent...
449
00:19:33,098 --> 00:19:34,397
Oh, stop.
450
00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,902
Well, don't
actually stop.
451
00:19:38,904 --> 00:19:40,937
You're funny.
452
00:19:42,506 --> 00:19:43,506
You're...
453
00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:48,478
...really, really
beautiful.
454
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,123
Okay, that probably
wasn't a good idea.
455
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,325
Definitely not.
456
00:20:05,858 --> 00:20:07,692
Berta's gonna love this.
457
00:20:07,694 --> 00:20:12,694
== sync, corrected by elderman ==