1
00:00:04,647 --> 00:00:07,115
(computer plays ringtone)
2
00:00:07,469 --> 00:00:08,452
Hey, buddy.
3
00:00:08,477 --> 00:00:09,370
Hey, Dad.
4
00:00:09,381 --> 00:00:10,513
Long time no talk.
5
00:00:10,524 --> 00:00:11,823
I was starting to think
maybe you weren't
6
00:00:11,833 --> 00:00:13,114
a part of this family anymore.
7
00:00:13,153 --> 00:00:15,937
What? I'm not that easy
to get rid of.
8
00:00:15,988 --> 00:00:17,837
Just been really busy lately,
you know,
9
00:00:17,865 --> 00:00:19,749
spending a lot of time
with my girlfriend.
10
00:00:19,764 --> 00:00:22,609
Oh, please, tell me it's not
the 35-year-old single mother
11
00:00:22,629 --> 00:00:23,669
with the two kids.
12
00:00:23,697 --> 00:00:26,945
No, Tammy's 36,
and she has three kids.
13
00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:30,235
Jake, she's almost
twice your age.
14
00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:32,499
No, she's not; I'm 19.
15
00:00:32,517 --> 00:00:33,855
Geez, do the math.
16
00:00:33,928 --> 00:00:36,360
How well do you even know
this woman?
17
00:00:36,393 --> 00:00:38,176
Enough to know that I love her.
18
00:00:38,190 --> 00:00:39,556
Jake, slow down.
I'm just not sure
19
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,474
that you know
what you're getting into.
20
00:00:41,488 --> 00:00:42,630
You always do this.
21
00:00:42,647 --> 00:00:44,597
You think every decision I make
is wrong.
22
00:00:44,617 --> 00:00:46,600
You're wrong about that.
23
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,386
You've already made up your mind
about Tammy,
24
00:00:48,388 --> 00:00:49,587
and you don't even know her.
25
00:00:49,589 --> 00:00:50,972
Let me ask you this question.
26
00:00:50,974 --> 00:00:53,859
If you've never tasted
a strawberry ice cream cone
27
00:00:53,861 --> 00:00:56,462
in your life, how do you know
what it tastes like?
28
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,709
What?
29
00:00:58,031 --> 00:01:01,283
My point is,
you've never licked Tammy.
30
00:01:05,852 --> 00:01:08,166
I don't know
how to respond to that.
31
00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:09,163
Yeah, you don't.
32
00:01:09,172 --> 00:01:10,693
She's delicious.
33
00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:13,183
Fine, why don't you bring her
up here so I can meet her.
34
00:01:13,204 --> 00:01:14,887
Okay, I will.
Good.
35
00:01:14,911 --> 00:01:16,110
I've got leave next weekend.
36
00:01:16,128 --> 00:01:17,211
You know where I live.
37
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:19,484
Yeah, someone else's house.
38
00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:24,987
He's a dull blade,
but he cuts deep.
39
00:01:25,926 --> 00:01:29,311
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
40
00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:32,430
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
41
00:01:32,432 --> 00:01:35,400
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh
42
00:01:35,402 --> 00:01:37,802
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
43
00:01:37,804 --> 00:01:40,138
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
44
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:43,692
♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
45
00:01:43,694 --> 00:01:47,696
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
46
00:01:47,697 --> 00:01:50,159
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x15 ♪
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
Original Air Date on February 7, 2013
47
00:01:50,207 --> 00:01:53,241
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
48
00:01:53,578 --> 00:01:56,686
Well, I've got Jake's room
all ready for this weekend.
49
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,364
You know, just
out of curiosity,
50
00:01:58,372 --> 00:02:00,762
when are we going to stop
calling it "Jake's room"?
51
00:02:00,782 --> 00:02:02,749
'Cause I'd really like it to be
referred to as
52
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:06,927
"Walden's gym"
or "Walden's home theater,"
53
00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:10,961
or "Walden's room to do whatever
the hell he wants with it."
54
00:02:11,116 --> 00:02:13,033
Look, I don't mean
to split hairs,
55
00:02:13,063 --> 00:02:15,980
but a room can't really be both
a gym and a home theater.
56
00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:18,758
That's why
I also need "Alan's room."
57
00:02:19,948 --> 00:02:20,865
Touché.
58
00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:22,220
(mock chuckles)
Truthé.
59
00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:25,147
Will you stop
futzing with my desk?!
60
00:02:25,163 --> 00:02:26,580
I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm just...
61
00:02:26,595 --> 00:02:28,509
I'm nervous about meeting
Jake's girlfriend.
62
00:02:28,528 --> 00:02:30,094
I mean,
he's obsessed with this woman.
63
00:02:30,112 --> 00:02:32,112
It's like he's been brainwashed
by some cult.
64
00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:34,164
What guy hasn't?
65
00:02:36,897 --> 00:02:39,147
I'm sorry, you said "cult."
66
00:02:42,227 --> 00:02:43,961
You're enjoying this,
aren't you?
67
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:46,131
Yep, I got to get something
out of you living here.
68
00:02:46,147 --> 00:02:47,892
You don't pay rent.
69
00:02:49,309 --> 00:02:51,960
Listen, I think you're getting
all worked up over nothing.
70
00:02:51,987 --> 00:02:54,127
Nothing? She's 36 years old.
71
00:02:54,152 --> 00:02:55,285
So? I'm 34.
72
00:02:55,302 --> 00:02:58,396
Yeah, and I don't want you
dating my son, either.
73
00:02:59,281 --> 00:03:00,092
Ouch.
74
00:03:00,210 --> 00:03:01,593
(doorbell ringing)
75
00:03:01,636 --> 00:03:02,956
That's probably them.
76
00:03:02,969 --> 00:03:03,906
It can't be.
77
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,503
Jake wouldn't ring the bell.
78
00:03:05,846 --> 00:03:09,065
(doorbell continues ringing)
79
00:03:09,351 --> 00:03:11,553
(doorbell continues ringing)
80
00:03:14,292 --> 00:03:16,404
Um, h-hello?
81
00:03:16,774 --> 00:03:18,077
Hey, Dad.
82
00:03:18,089 --> 00:03:20,106
Uh, this is my girlfriend,
Tammy.
83
00:03:20,127 --> 00:03:21,747
Uh, Tammy, this is my dad, Alan.
84
00:03:21,762 --> 00:03:22,895
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
85
00:03:22,905 --> 00:03:24,017
Likewise.
Come in.
86
00:03:24,024 --> 00:03:25,696
Wow!
(laughs)
87
00:03:25,719 --> 00:03:27,669
Yeah, it would take
the jaws of life
88
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,235
to get me out of this house.
89
00:03:29,756 --> 00:03:32,406
Look, you already have
something in common.
90
00:03:32,944 --> 00:03:34,487
I'm, uh, Walden Schmidt.
91
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,995
Good God,
you're prettier than I am.
92
00:03:37,775 --> 00:03:39,381
That's quite the grip.
93
00:03:39,406 --> 00:03:42,321
Yeah. I milked cows
when I was a kid.
94
00:03:42,581 --> 00:03:44,588
Then I discovered boys.
95
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,523
I'm just kidding.
96
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,393
Not really.
97
00:03:49,961 --> 00:03:52,489
This really is an
amazing house though.
98
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:53,567
Thank you.
99
00:03:53,596 --> 00:03:56,297
Be much nicer with
a home theater.
100
00:03:56,335 --> 00:03:58,690
But, uh, I've been
very fortunate.
101
00:03:58,699 --> 00:04:00,045
Yeah, so I've heard.
102
00:04:00,077 --> 00:04:02,699
Jake tells me
you're stupid rich.
103
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:06,849
He tells me
you're very resourceful.
104
00:04:08,138 --> 00:04:10,085
I'll take that as a compliment.
105
00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,126
Please, make yourselves
at home. Have a seat.
106
00:04:12,137 --> 00:04:14,109
Is there anything I can
get you to eat or drink?
107
00:04:14,122 --> 00:04:15,815
Oh, I'd love a drink,
108
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:18,332
but it would set off
my ankle bracelet.
109
00:04:19,238 --> 00:04:20,636
Not really.
110
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:23,467
I got that sucker
off a week ago.
111
00:04:23,951 --> 00:04:25,284
You hear that, Walden?
112
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,848
She just got
her ankle bracelet off.
113
00:04:26,863 --> 00:04:29,661
I don't see how this
could get any better.
114
00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:31,804
Oh, oh, oh!
115
00:04:32,694 --> 00:04:34,924
It just got better!
116
00:04:36,311 --> 00:04:38,738
Well... look at you.
(chuckles)
117
00:04:38,781 --> 00:04:41,133
Uh, now,
where would a skull be going
118
00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:43,467
that he would
even need a top hat?
119
00:04:43,581 --> 00:04:45,870
Oh, he might be going
to visit Yosemite Sam.
120
00:04:45,897 --> 00:04:46,768
Mm.
121
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:49,115
Yeah, they're kind
of my business cards.
122
00:04:49,131 --> 00:04:50,913
I own a tattoo parlor.
123
00:04:50,926 --> 00:04:52,900
Oh, did you hear that, Walden?
124
00:04:52,919 --> 00:04:55,078
She owns a tattoo parlor.
125
00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:56,831
That sounds fun.
126
00:04:56,908 --> 00:04:59,589
Yeah, it's called
Tammy's Tatties.
127
00:05:00,829 --> 00:05:03,437
It makes guys
think of boobs.
128
00:05:04,285 --> 00:05:05,535
Thank you.
129
00:05:05,988 --> 00:05:08,614
Speaking of which,
in case you forget,
130
00:05:08,631 --> 00:05:10,464
my name's
written right here.
131
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,034
Nice.
132
00:05:12,074 --> 00:05:13,690
What's the other
one called?
133
00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:15,473
(laughs)
134
00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:16,834
I like you.
135
00:05:16,861 --> 00:05:18,987
(chuckles):
I like you, too.
136
00:05:20,247 --> 00:05:22,699
(chuckles):
Everybody likes everybody.
137
00:05:24,222 --> 00:05:26,792
So, so, so, how'd
you two meet?
138
00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:28,422
Oh, Jake came
into my shop.
139
00:05:28,444 --> 00:05:29,476
Tammy's Tatties.
140
00:05:29,478 --> 00:05:31,113
Exactly. See, once
you get it in your head,
141
00:05:31,133 --> 00:05:32,266
you can't get it out.
142
00:05:32,292 --> 00:05:34,432
No, you cannot.
143
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:36,650
Yeah, a couple of us
guys from the base
144
00:05:36,652 --> 00:05:38,435
went out drinking, and
they bet me 100 bucks
145
00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:40,157
that I wouldn't get
this tattoo of two arms
146
00:05:40,181 --> 00:05:42,525
coming out of my butt crack.
Like, you know,
147
00:05:42,548 --> 00:05:44,617
Someone was trying to escape.
148
00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:46,014
Oh, Jake, you didn't.
149
00:05:46,039 --> 00:05:47,892
No, Tammy
wouldn't let me.
150
00:05:47,913 --> 00:05:49,870
Damn right.
Thank you for that.
151
00:05:49,894 --> 00:05:51,812
I took one look at his ass
and I thought,
152
00:05:51,835 --> 00:05:54,514
I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.
153
00:06:00,482 --> 00:06:01,624
Chomp.
154
00:06:04,353 --> 00:06:06,363
♪ Men. ♪
155
00:06:06,549 --> 00:06:08,132
Hey, what's going on?
156
00:06:08,153 --> 00:06:10,173
Jake made pizza bagels.
157
00:06:10,193 --> 00:06:13,032
I make them for Tammy's kids
all the time.
158
00:06:13,066 --> 00:06:15,680
Is it breakfast? Is it lunch?
159
00:06:15,726 --> 00:06:17,608
Is it pizza? Is it a bagel?
160
00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,457
I'll tell you what it is,
it's delightful.
161
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,352
So, uh, how does
that work exactly?
162
00:06:23,363 --> 00:06:25,014
Is, uh, Tammy's ex
in the picture?
163
00:06:25,039 --> 00:06:26,139
He's in some.
164
00:06:26,162 --> 00:06:28,329
And in some,
his head's been torn off.
165
00:06:28,976 --> 00:06:31,463
But was I right or what?
Isn't Tammy awesome?
166
00:06:31,499 --> 00:06:34,666
She seems great, but still,
you have to acknowledge
167
00:06:34,693 --> 00:06:36,573
that this is
an unusual relationship.
168
00:06:36,588 --> 00:06:39,133
I mean, she's old enough
to have you as her kid.
169
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,015
So what?
You are, too.
170
00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:43,017
He's got a point.
171
00:06:43,052 --> 00:06:45,886
Doesn't make any sense,
but it's a point.
172
00:06:45,966 --> 00:06:48,299
I just want to be sure
you know what you're doing.
173
00:06:48,318 --> 00:06:49,457
That's the beauty of it.
174
00:06:49,466 --> 00:06:52,226
When I don't know
what I'm doing, she shows me.
175
00:06:53,895 --> 00:06:56,171
(mouth full):
Two-zero, Jake.
176
00:06:57,303 --> 00:06:59,807
Face it, Dad,
I'm not a kid anymore.
177
00:06:59,831 --> 00:07:02,340
Oh, baby,
you got a milk moustache.
178
00:07:02,384 --> 00:07:04,035
(chuckles)
You ready to go?
179
00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:04,650
Yep.
180
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:05,833
Where you
guys heading?
181
00:07:05,848 --> 00:07:07,242
Oh, we're gonna do
a little shopping,
182
00:07:07,249 --> 00:07:09,003
pick up some souvenirs
for my kids
183
00:07:09,017 --> 00:07:10,836
and pick up a new nipple gun.
184
00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:13,405
N-Nipple gun?
185
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:15,018
Yeah, for piercing.
186
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:18,387
You give me a body part,
I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.
187
00:07:19,537 --> 00:07:21,538
I really like her.
188
00:07:21,881 --> 00:07:24,821
Good, 'cause I want to pick
your brain, Mr. Moneybags.
189
00:07:24,849 --> 00:07:25,923
Go ahead.
190
00:07:25,939 --> 00:07:27,700
Well, I'm looking for
a stable investment
191
00:07:27,717 --> 00:07:28,741
for my pension plan.
192
00:07:28,754 --> 00:07:30,950
Do you think Google's
business model is sustainable
193
00:07:30,969 --> 00:07:32,981
over a 20-year period?
194
00:07:34,848 --> 00:07:38,054
Tell you what, while you're out,
I'll Google it.
195
00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:40,255
(laughs):
You're funny.
196
00:07:40,276 --> 00:07:41,339
Come on, babe.
All right.
197
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,609
See you, guys.
198
00:07:42,826 --> 00:07:44,776
This makes no sense.
199
00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:45,872
What are you
talking about?
200
00:07:45,885 --> 00:07:47,748
She's beautiful,
she's cool, she's smart.
201
00:07:47,764 --> 00:07:50,247
Exactly. What the hell's
she doing with Jake?
202
00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:52,314
Besides doing him?
203
00:07:52,494 --> 00:07:53,716
You're not helping.
204
00:07:53,728 --> 00:07:55,539
I'm not trying to.
205
00:07:58,318 --> 00:07:59,988
♪ Men. ♪
206
00:08:04,045 --> 00:08:05,110
Wow.
207
00:08:07,151 --> 00:08:09,302
You ever get tired of this view?
208
00:08:09,435 --> 00:08:10,995
I do not.
209
00:08:11,018 --> 00:08:13,185
I've worked hard for it.
210
00:08:14,399 --> 00:08:16,027
Good one.
211
00:08:16,590 --> 00:08:18,412
Can I ask you a question?
212
00:08:18,446 --> 00:08:19,325
Sure.
213
00:08:19,348 --> 00:08:21,732
What do you
hate about me the most?
214
00:08:21,764 --> 00:08:24,298
No, I don't, I don't hate
anything about you.
215
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,126
Oh, please.
216
00:08:26,344 --> 00:08:28,266
I've been in your shoes.
217
00:08:28,287 --> 00:08:31,313
My 17-year-old daughter
brought home a 32-year-old guy,
218
00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:32,574
and I chased that son of a bitch
219
00:08:32,587 --> 00:08:34,706
right out of the house
with a gun.
220
00:08:34,829 --> 00:08:36,011
Oh, my God.
221
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:38,032
Well, it was a nipple gun.
222
00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:40,545
Which explains
why I needed a new one,
223
00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:43,126
and also why I was wearing
an ankle bracelet.
224
00:08:44,454 --> 00:08:47,845
The point is, I get
what people think about me.
225
00:08:48,434 --> 00:08:50,757
And they're only looking
at the surface.
226
00:08:50,795 --> 00:08:53,417
Well, there's a
lot to look at.
227
00:08:54,198 --> 00:08:56,879
Look, here's all you need
to know about me.
228
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:59,248
I'm raising three kids
by myself,
229
00:08:59,285 --> 00:09:01,842
I run a successful business,
and I own a three-bedroom house
230
00:09:01,865 --> 00:09:03,245
that's not on wheels.
231
00:09:03,274 --> 00:09:05,073
So, anybody who judges me
can kiss my ass
232
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,584
right on my tattoo
of Brad Paisley.
233
00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:10,312
I-I'm not judging you.
I just,
234
00:09:10,336 --> 00:09:13,258
I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.
235
00:09:13,413 --> 00:09:16,225
I'm with him
because I care about him.
236
00:09:17,184 --> 00:09:20,132
I mean,
he's sweet and kind and funny.
237
00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:23,241
And I don't when
the last time you had sex
238
00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:26,544
with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.
239
00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:31,688
Then eight minutes later,
it's a lot of fun again.
240
00:09:32,103 --> 00:09:35,159
Um, I'll-I'll take
your word for it.
241
00:09:35,774 --> 00:09:37,807
Alan, has anybody ever
looked at you
242
00:09:37,809 --> 00:09:40,226
like you were the greatest thing
on the planet?
243
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,134
Do strippers count?
244
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:44,463
No.
Then no.
245
00:09:44,849 --> 00:09:47,559
Well, that's the way
Jake looks at me.
246
00:09:48,862 --> 00:09:50,817
He thinks I can do no wrong,
247
00:09:50,839 --> 00:09:53,088
and he worships the ground
I walk on.
248
00:09:53,124 --> 00:09:56,250
Uh, to be fair, for a while,
he worshipped Twinkies.
249
00:09:56,285 --> 00:09:59,220
(laughs):
Yeah, yeah, he still does.
250
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,629
But don't worry, I don't let him
have sugar past 9:00.
251
00:10:01,666 --> 00:10:02,819
Mm.
252
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,895
The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.
253
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:09,338
And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever,
254
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:11,844
but it's what I want in my life
right now.
255
00:10:12,189 --> 00:10:14,717
I'm really sorry
if you don't approve.
256
00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:17,053
Well, you have
to understand,
257
00:10:17,098 --> 00:10:18,818
Jake is still my...
258
00:10:19,934 --> 00:10:21,251
baby.
259
00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:22,833
I hear you.
260
00:10:23,099 --> 00:10:25,009
It's exactly what I told
the judge
261
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,907
when he wanted to try
my oldest son as an adult.
262
00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:31,676
They're always your babies.
263
00:10:34,073 --> 00:10:35,696
♪ Men. ♪
264
00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:37,186
Hey.
265
00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:37,879
Hey.
266
00:10:37,961 --> 00:10:39,144
You busy?
267
00:10:39,186 --> 00:10:41,683
I'm thinking about
getting a tattoo.
268
00:10:42,466 --> 00:10:43,916
How about this?
269
00:10:44,423 --> 00:10:47,173
It's just a bunch
of ones and zeroes.
270
00:10:47,455 --> 00:10:51,202
Yeah, it's my favorite
Gandhi quote in binary code.
271
00:10:52,223 --> 00:10:54,890
"You can never
imprison my mind""
272
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,641
Why don't you just
get one that says,
273
00:10:56,662 --> 00:10:59,155
"I'm a nerd,
don't sleep with me"?
274
00:11:00,058 --> 00:11:02,298
Did you want
something?
275
00:11:02,525 --> 00:11:04,358
Yeah, I was wondering
if you know
276
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:06,046
why my dad's being
such a jerk.
277
00:11:06,055 --> 00:11:07,244
Oh, dads worry.
278
00:11:07,271 --> 00:11:08,642
That's their job.
279
00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:09,854
I'm practically a dad,
280
00:11:09,881 --> 00:11:12,749
and I don't act like that
toward my children.
281
00:11:13,096 --> 00:11:15,973
That's because you
respect your elders.
282
00:11:17,774 --> 00:11:20,795
Look, your dad just doesn't
want to see you get hurt.
283
00:11:20,945 --> 00:11:22,995
How am I gonna get hurt?
284
00:11:22,997 --> 00:11:24,259
Are you kidding me?
285
00:11:24,303 --> 00:11:28,355
Have you never seen a movie or
heard a song or read a poem?
286
00:11:28,553 --> 00:11:30,939
Uh, yes, yes and no.
287
00:11:31,389 --> 00:11:34,390
Okay, listen, I think your
dad just needs a little time
288
00:11:34,418 --> 00:11:36,761
to get used to the idea of
you and Tammy being together.
289
00:11:36,794 --> 00:11:38,210
Yeah, well,
he'd better hurry,
290
00:11:38,227 --> 00:11:41,134
'cause tomorrow we're gonna
go to Vegas and get married.
291
00:11:42,058 --> 00:11:44,582
That should be
plenty of time.
292
00:11:49,824 --> 00:11:51,843
Oh, you can't
be serious.
293
00:11:51,884 --> 00:11:53,550
Are-are you really
getting married?
294
00:11:53,607 --> 00:11:56,187
Yeah, I mean,
assuming Tammy says yes.
295
00:11:56,217 --> 00:11:58,988
Oh, okay, you haven't
thought this through at all.
296
00:11:59,016 --> 00:12:00,562
No, I totally have.
297
00:12:00,584 --> 00:12:02,923
I've even started
on our vows, here.
298
00:12:03,453 --> 00:12:06,151
"I can't wait to start
our life together,
299
00:12:06,153 --> 00:12:08,403
"I like it when you dress
in leather.
300
00:12:09,777 --> 00:12:11,778
"I'll love you
forever and a day,
301
00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:14,534
You make me glad
I'm not gay."
302
00:12:15,532 --> 00:12:18,386
And you said
you've never read poetry.
303
00:12:18,415 --> 00:12:19,984
All right,
here, listen.
304
00:12:19,999 --> 00:12:21,614
You're too young to get married.
305
00:12:21,629 --> 00:12:22,878
You got married at my age.
306
00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:23,825
Yeah, and look what happened.
307
00:12:23,837 --> 00:12:25,847
I lost my wife
and half my money,
308
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,493
and the only thing I gained
was your father.
309
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,269
I'm not going to argue
about this with you.
310
00:12:30,288 --> 00:12:31,830
Just don't say anything
to my dad, all right?
311
00:12:31,849 --> 00:12:33,594
You can't do this to me.
312
00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:35,161
I hate keeping secrets.
313
00:12:35,182 --> 00:12:37,280
Don't worry, I'll tell him
when the time is right.
314
00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:38,874
When, after you
get married?
315
00:12:38,902 --> 00:12:40,802
That's a good idea.
No.
316
00:12:40,835 --> 00:12:43,116
No, you-you need
to tell him before.
317
00:12:43,151 --> 00:12:44,300
That's not going
to happen,
318
00:12:44,307 --> 00:12:45,740
and you're not going
to tell him either.
319
00:12:45,742 --> 00:12:47,911
Okay, look, your dad
is my best friend,
320
00:12:47,944 --> 00:12:50,111
and you're putting me in
a very difficult position.
321
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,736
Hey, Tammy put me
in a difficult position
322
00:12:51,748 --> 00:12:54,052
the other night, too,
and it worked out great.
323
00:12:55,104 --> 00:12:55,718
Hey,
324
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,567
why don't you just
tell your father?
325
00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:58,962
'Cause he'll just say it's a bad idea.
326
00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:01,974
You know why?
'Cause it's a bad idea!
327
00:13:02,009 --> 00:13:03,659
Jake, get back here!
328
00:13:03,688 --> 00:13:05,788
Do not do this to me!
329
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,328
I just want a home theater.
330
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:10,298
♪ Men. ♪
331
00:13:10,491 --> 00:13:11,407
(knocking)
332
00:13:11,581 --> 00:13:13,646
Hey, dinner's
almost ready.
333
00:13:14,071 --> 00:13:16,007
I'm gonna pass.
334
00:13:16,104 --> 00:13:18,003
What? You can't.
335
00:13:18,028 --> 00:13:19,295
Jake's making gnocchi.
336
00:13:19,312 --> 00:13:21,729
He's into cooking things
he can't spell.
337
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,225
What's for dessert-- cake?
338
00:13:23,249 --> 00:13:24,042
(chuckles)
339
00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:25,330
Pie.
340
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,015
Come on, join us.
341
00:13:28,027 --> 00:13:30,578
No, no,
it's-it's a family thing.
342
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,938
I don't want to...
get in the middle of it.
343
00:13:33,356 --> 00:13:35,686
Oh, oh, there's nothing
to get in the middle of.
344
00:13:35,709 --> 00:13:37,786
I, uh, I had a nice
conversation with Tammy,
345
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,145
and she knows this thing
with Jake isn't serious.
346
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,183
Does Jake know that?
347
00:13:41,197 --> 00:13:43,030
Well, I assume he does.
348
00:13:43,068 --> 00:13:45,251
Why, did he say
something to you?
349
00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:47,855
(chuckles):
Did... he say something?
350
00:13:47,896 --> 00:13:49,646
Why would he say
something to me? I...
351
00:13:49,673 --> 00:13:50,871
Let's go eat.
352
00:13:50,893 --> 00:13:52,807
I-I thought
you didn't want to eat.
353
00:13:52,825 --> 00:13:54,576
I changed my mind,
just like you did.
354
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:55,878
You didn't like Tammy,
now you do.
355
00:13:55,896 --> 00:13:58,259
Who knows what's going
to happen next? Not me.
356
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:02,325
Oh.
357
00:14:02,350 --> 00:14:04,183
Quarters.
358
00:14:06,332 --> 00:14:08,997
He's a billionaire,
he's not going to miss it.
359
00:14:10,581 --> 00:14:12,155
♪ Men. ♪
360
00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:15,593
Jake, this gnocchi
is amazing.
361
00:14:15,627 --> 00:14:18,405
Yeah, I like to make it
'cause it sounds like "nookie."
362
00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:21,453
Get it?
363
00:14:21,845 --> 00:14:23,065
I do.
364
00:14:23,369 --> 00:14:25,070
Not as much as I do.
365
00:14:25,086 --> 00:14:26,357
(both laugh)
366
00:14:29,634 --> 00:14:33,103
So, uh, Tammy, where did you
learn the art of tattooing?
367
00:14:33,174 --> 00:14:34,340
Prison.
368
00:14:35,685 --> 00:14:36,723
I'm kidding.
369
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:37,995
Juvie.
370
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:39,680
Kidding?
371
00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:40,782
Nope.
372
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,277
Jakey, you haven't even touched
your asparagus.
373
00:14:44,297 --> 00:14:45,621
I don't like
asparagus.
374
00:14:45,657 --> 00:14:47,767
Then, why'd you make it?
'Cause you like it.
375
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,310
Don't try to butter
me up, young man.
376
00:14:49,324 --> 00:14:51,036
Eat your vegetables.
I don't wanna.
377
00:14:51,051 --> 00:14:52,454
Jake, listen to your mo...
378
00:14:53,335 --> 00:14:55,102
...arvelous girlfriend.
379
00:14:55,673 --> 00:14:58,058
Look, just take
a few tiny bites.
380
00:14:58,087 --> 00:14:59,200
JAKE:
Do I have to?
381
00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:00,214
TAMMY:
It's delicious.
382
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:01,185
ALAN:
Yeah, it really is.
383
00:15:01,199 --> 00:15:03,333
Did you know
that the asparagus plant,
384
00:15:03,353 --> 00:15:04,736
uh, dates back
to ancient...
385
00:15:04,757 --> 00:15:07,407
Jake's taking Tammy to Vegas
to get married!
386
00:15:09,611 --> 00:15:10,695
...Rome.
387
00:15:11,713 --> 00:15:13,496
What the hell, dude?
388
00:15:13,529 --> 00:15:15,985
I told you,
I'm not good with secrets.
389
00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:17,214
Baby, you want
to get married?
390
00:15:17,230 --> 00:15:18,443
Uh, no, no, no,
he doesn't.
391
00:15:18,455 --> 00:15:20,254
Yes, he does.
392
00:15:20,893 --> 00:15:23,334
I can't wait
for our life together,
393
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:24,883
I like it
when you dress in le...
394
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:26,094
No-Nobody's getting married.
395
00:15:26,112 --> 00:15:28,295
We are, 'cause we love
each other, right?
396
00:15:28,315 --> 00:15:29,405
Damn right we do.
397
00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:31,817
I thought you were just
using him for his body!
398
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,015
You said that?
399
00:15:33,031 --> 00:15:34,468
You're so sweet.
400
00:15:34,495 --> 00:15:35,828
N-N-N-No!
401
00:15:35,859 --> 00:15:38,530
I am not going to let you throw
your life away like this!
402
00:15:38,577 --> 00:15:40,476
Wait, which one of us
are you talking to?
403
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,083
My son, the idiot.
404
00:15:42,103 --> 00:15:44,911
Oh, so, because he wants
to marry me, he's an idiot?
405
00:15:44,933 --> 00:15:46,298
Uh, to be fair,
406
00:15:46,324 --> 00:15:49,160
he was an idiot
long before he met you.
407
00:15:49,212 --> 00:15:50,979
I don't need you
to defend me.
408
00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:53,157
Come on, Tammy,
let's get out of here.
409
00:15:53,174 --> 00:15:55,532
Oh, Jake, you can't
possibly be this stupid.
410
00:15:55,551 --> 00:15:57,262
You know, it doesn't matter
what you think of me.
411
00:15:57,279 --> 00:15:58,329
But why the hell
do you have
412
00:15:58,339 --> 00:16:00,672
such a low opinion
of your son?
413
00:16:01,626 --> 00:16:03,916
Because I know him!
414
00:16:05,607 --> 00:16:07,404
(sighs)
Could be worse.
415
00:16:07,430 --> 00:16:09,208
He could be one
of those showbiz kids
416
00:16:09,226 --> 00:16:11,176
who goes off the rails.
417
00:16:16,057 --> 00:16:18,848
All right, there's
a 24-hour chapel in Vegas.
418
00:16:18,872 --> 00:16:21,573
If we hurry, we can get there
before it closes.
419
00:16:21,703 --> 00:16:23,745
Yeah, I don't think
we should go to Vegas.
420
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,041
Why not?
421
00:16:25,691 --> 00:16:27,049
A wedding's supposed to be about
422
00:16:27,077 --> 00:16:29,594
bringing a family together,
not breaking it apart.
423
00:16:29,616 --> 00:16:30,699
Hang on a sec.
424
00:16:30,715 --> 00:16:32,993
You were just as mad
at my dad as I was,
425
00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:34,364
and now you're on his side?
426
00:16:34,379 --> 00:16:35,462
I'm not choosing sides.
427
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:38,145
Your dad's a tool
with a bad haircut.
428
00:16:38,196 --> 00:16:40,529
But I'm just saying, if
we were to get married,
429
00:16:40,551 --> 00:16:42,427
I would want the
whole family there--
430
00:16:42,446 --> 00:16:46,174
my kids, your dad, the guy
your dad sponges off of.
431
00:16:46,516 --> 00:16:48,812
Yeah, well,
I don't want him there.
432
00:16:48,831 --> 00:16:51,177
You know, Jake, you're
lucky you have a dad.
433
00:16:51,206 --> 00:16:53,150
When I was five, mine
went out for a sandwich
434
00:16:53,161 --> 00:16:54,909
and never came back.
435
00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:56,643
What kind of sandwich?
436
00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:58,538
What?
437
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:00,827
Sorry, we left
in the middle of dinner.
438
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,757
I'm still kind of hungry.
439
00:17:02,791 --> 00:17:05,181
Look, the point is, I
don't want to be the cause
440
00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,368
of an estrangement between
you and your father.
441
00:17:07,370 --> 00:17:10,755
Don't worry, my dad was pretty
estrange before he met you.
442
00:17:11,708 --> 00:17:14,694
Okay, look, let's approach
this from a different angle.
443
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:15,973
Sit.
444
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:21,507
I think, before we do
anything else,
445
00:17:21,549 --> 00:17:23,716
you need to make things right
with your dad.
446
00:17:23,731 --> 00:17:25,462
I think he needs to make
things right with me.
447
00:17:25,485 --> 00:17:27,819
It doesn't matter
who takes the first step.
448
00:17:28,051 --> 00:17:29,925
Jake, he loves you,
449
00:17:30,105 --> 00:17:32,605
and that's not something
you can just throw away.
450
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,877
But you're more important
to me than he is.
451
00:17:36,824 --> 00:17:38,236
Thank you.
452
00:17:39,026 --> 00:17:42,028
But family is the most
important thing in the world.
453
00:17:42,075 --> 00:17:45,076
That's why I make sure
my kids get to see their dad,
454
00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:46,782
even if he is
behind Plexiglas,
455
00:17:46,802 --> 00:17:49,153
wearing an orange jumpsuit.
456
00:17:50,712 --> 00:17:52,483
I can't believe
I'm not going to be there
457
00:17:52,499 --> 00:17:54,431
to see my only son get married.
458
00:17:54,584 --> 00:17:56,344
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
459
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,868
I'm pretty sure you'll have
many more opportunities.
460
00:18:00,047 --> 00:18:02,048
I got married in Vegas,
461
00:18:02,068 --> 00:18:04,251
and divorced in Reno.
462
00:18:04,673 --> 00:18:06,854
(chuckles)
Hell of a weekend.
463
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,431
Dad, I got to talk to you.
464
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:12,417
Yeah, yeah, I-I need
to talk to you, too.
465
00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:16,521
Um, I want to tell you
both that I'm sorry,
466
00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:18,296
um, that...
467
00:18:18,688 --> 00:18:22,353
if marrying Tammy is the
right thing for you...
468
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:24,828
you have my love
and support.
469
00:18:25,107 --> 00:18:26,223
We're not getting married.
470
00:18:26,241 --> 00:18:27,885
Oh, thank God!
471
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,716
WALDEN:
Jake...
472
00:18:30,756 --> 00:18:32,069
I'm also sorry.
473
00:18:32,085 --> 00:18:33,509
You're dead to me.
474
00:18:33,755 --> 00:18:36,347
And your room's a home theater.
475
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,907
W-What made you
change your mind?
476
00:18:38,933 --> 00:18:41,150
I just decided that I don't want
to get married
477
00:18:41,183 --> 00:18:44,351
unless you're going to be the
one to walk me down the aisle.
478
00:18:45,317 --> 00:18:47,352
A-Actually the dad
walks the, uh...
479
00:18:47,354 --> 00:18:49,479
Let it go.
Right.
480
00:18:49,786 --> 00:18:51,889
I just-- I want
you to be happy.
481
00:18:51,915 --> 00:18:54,714
Thanks, and, you know, someday
we are going to get married,
482
00:18:54,763 --> 00:18:57,050
maybe get a dog or a leopard,
483
00:18:57,084 --> 00:18:59,247
have a couple kids of our own--
484
00:18:59,282 --> 00:19:02,583
maybe more than a couple,
maybe, like, two or three.
485
00:19:06,843 --> 00:19:08,844
(mouthing)
486
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,145
You're going to need
a bigger house.
487
00:19:14,686 --> 00:19:16,447
♪ Men. ♪
488
00:19:18,922 --> 00:19:20,439
♪ Men. ♪
489
00:19:20,521 --> 00:19:23,639
You know, this place
could really use a home gym.
490
00:19:24,406 --> 00:19:26,921
That's a good idea.
491
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,534
Where could we put it?
492
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:32,512
I've been, uh,
thinking about names
493
00:19:32,566 --> 00:19:34,566
for when Tammy and I have
our first kid.
494
00:19:34,615 --> 00:19:35,665
(laughs)
495
00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:37,684
You're enjoying
this, aren't you?
496
00:19:37,732 --> 00:19:38,982
Yep.
497
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:41,007
Although I-I am a little worried
498
00:19:41,032 --> 00:19:43,904
about a third generation
of freeloaders living here.
499
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,721
If it's a boy, what do you think
about Walden Harper?
500
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:49,731
I like it.
No.
501
00:19:49,758 --> 00:19:51,516
All right, then, I guess
it's down to either
502
00:19:51,596 --> 00:19:53,996
Alan or Xiang Xao.
503
00:19:54,998 --> 00:19:56,779
Xiang Xao?
504
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,637
Yeah, I got to be ready, Dad.
505
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,251
They say one out of every three
babies born is Chinese.
506
00:20:05,744 --> 00:20:07,332
I love it.
507
00:20:11,249 --> 00:20:16,249
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth