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JAKE: Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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I am determined
to find someone
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00:00:04,310 --> 00:00:05,360
who wants
to be with me
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00:00:05,387 --> 00:00:07,566
for who I am,
not what I have.
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You can be whoever you want to be.
Hmm.
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00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,896
I can help you out with that.
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00:00:10,926 --> 00:00:11,925
Sam Wilson.
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Maybe you could crash here.
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00:00:13,675 --> 00:00:16,683
I think it is great that you're
working on your computer stuff,
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00:00:16,722 --> 00:00:18,906
but we need help now.
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00:00:18,947 --> 00:00:21,025
I get it.
Say no more.
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I'll start looking
for a job.
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Your job's just a way to get by
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till you get your big break
as a designer.
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What if it
never happens?
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I want to invest in
your line of clothing.
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Really?
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Pack your bags
for New York,
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because I am gonna
write you a check
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for $50,000.
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The stress
of living a lie
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is causing you
to just fall apart.
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You're binge-eating.
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I'll miss you.
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I love you, Sam.
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Hello? Walden?
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Why is it so dark in here?
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WALDEN:
Alan, no!
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Walden.
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What's happened
to you?
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What do you mean?
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Uh... okay.
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I-I don't know how
to say this, um...
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but you're either
wearing a child's shirt
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or carrying a child.
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Both options raise concerns.
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Hey, I will not apologize
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for enjoying the art
of fine cuisine.
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Says the guy who has barbecue
sauce all over his back.
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Oh, like I'm the first guy
to fall asleep on a McRib.
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What are you doing here, Alan?
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I'm worried
about you.
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I haven't seen you
in three weeks.
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Kate's still
in New York.
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Why are you still
in her apartment?
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I like it here.
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It's comfortable.
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Besides, the beach house
smells like you.
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This place smells like Kate.
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I'll take "things a serial
killer would say" for $200.
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You want to be my next victim?
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Come on, Walden, look at you.
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You're-you're
a disgusting blob.
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I mean, can you even see
your penis past that gut?
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My penis is like Santa Claus.
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I don't need to see it;
I just need to believe in it.
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Well, you know what I believe?
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Living a double life
is killing you.
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Well, you don't know
what you're talking about.
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So why don't you just go away?
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So, you don't think
you need any help?
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I know I don't need any help.
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Fine, then I'll leave.
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Alan?
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Yeah?
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(crying):
I need help.
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Oh, buddy, it's-it's
gonna be okay.
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No, it's not gonna be okay!
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I'm out of control!
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I'm lying to the woman I love!
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And the only thing
I do more than lie
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is eat raw cookie dough.
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And I think I have salmonella.
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Don't worry.
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Alan's here now.
(sniffs)
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We're gonna get you...
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hosed down and...
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back in shape
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and-and feeling like
your old self again.
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You think so?
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Oh, absolutely.
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And after we do,
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you're gonna call up Kate
and tell her the truth.
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What? No, I can't.
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You have to.
Why?
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Because the truth will
set you free, and you know it.
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Okay.
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Maybe you're right.
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(sniffs)
There you go.
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Plus, it'd be nice to lose
the gut and see my penis again.
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And I'm sure he'd like
to see you, too.
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♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 10x13 ♪
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
Original Air Date on January 10, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
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Getting you back in shape
is not gonna be easy.
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It's gonna be
a long haul.
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It'll take exercise,
diet and discipline.
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Don't make such a big deal
about this.
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I look fine.
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Aw, look who's got
a little belly.
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Let's do this thing.
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♪
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(music stops)
Whoo, that was easy.
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(Skype ringtone chimes)
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Hey, you.
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Hi, babe.
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How's the prep
for the show going?
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Oh, my God,
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everybody here is pretentious,
bitchy and high.
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I love New York!
112
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Are you sure you're not
Skyping from heaven?
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Because you appear to be
surrounded by half-naked angels.
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Oh, yeah,
that's Britté and Inga.
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I guess they're done
throwing up their lunch.
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Well, I've got great news.
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I'll be there
tomorrow.
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You do realize they'll be
dressed by then.
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No, I'm coming to see you.
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But if the models
are still there
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and we wind up getting
in a pillow fight
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in our hotel bed,
then so be it.
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(laughs)
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Are you really coming?
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Yeah.
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And I got
a big surprise for you.
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00:04:34,653 --> 00:04:36,753
Oh... Wait, hang on a sec.
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How can you afford
a plane ticket?
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Alan is flying me on his jet.
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Oh, Alan's coming, too.
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Yay.
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Don't worry about him.
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I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
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Oh, and do me a favor.
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Before I get there, make sure
those models have clothes on.
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How do you feel about
naughty school girl outfits?
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I find them degrading.
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And perfect.
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(laughs)
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I love you, Sam.
I love you.
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So did you tell her?
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No.
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I want to tell her in person.
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So pack
your bags.
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We're going to New York.
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Me? Why am I going?
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This is really scary
for me, Alan.
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I need the support of my friend.
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Well, you got it.
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Thank you.
Uh, uh, Walden?
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Yes, I'll cover your expenses.
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00:05:24,694 --> 00:05:26,416
Great. Um, and...
153
00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:28,708
Yes, I'll give you
per diem.
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00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,544
If he ever gets a real friend,
I'm screwed.
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00:05:35,782 --> 00:05:37,917
Ooh, you know what we
should do in New York?
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Go see a musical.
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Yeah, maybe.
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If I put my life back together.
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Of course.
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00:05:47,417 --> 00:05:49,546
So what are you
thinking, Jersey Boys?
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♪ Walk like a man
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♪ Talk like a man...
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I don't really
have a preference.
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00:05:59,153 --> 00:06:00,820
Can't go wrong
with Wicked.
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Sure.
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00:06:04,954 --> 00:06:07,006
Then again,
Mamma Mia.
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Oh, I can never see
that show enough.
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00:06:09,215 --> 00:06:10,923
I own the movie on Blu-ray.
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Two words.
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Delightful romp.
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You do realize the whole point
of this trip
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00:06:18,401 --> 00:06:21,085
is to tell the woman I love
that I'm actually someone else?
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00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:22,748
Oh, I get it.
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If that story was on Broadway,
I'd see it in a heartbeat.
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Walden Schmidt in
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Les Mis-Representation
of Who He Is.
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00:06:33,004 --> 00:06:34,571
Thanks for
the support.
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00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,911
Oh, come on,
lighten up.
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00:06:37,112 --> 00:06:38,894
Everything's gonna be fine.
180
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,794
I just hope she doesn't like Sam
more than she likes Walden.
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00:06:41,858 --> 00:06:43,395
Why would she?
182
00:06:43,427 --> 00:06:44,811
Well, a lot of reasons.
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00:06:44,836 --> 00:06:47,269
One, Sam's better in bed.
What?
184
00:06:47,485 --> 00:06:48,960
He tries harder.
185
00:06:48,977 --> 00:06:50,728
He has to compensate
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00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,163
for all the other things
he doesn't have.
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00:06:52,181 --> 00:06:53,592
He's banging scared.
188
00:06:54,852 --> 00:06:57,494
If that's true, I'd be
the best lay on the planet.
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00:06:58,977 --> 00:07:00,413
I just don't want to lose her.
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00:07:00,469 --> 00:07:01,791
Oh, you won't.
191
00:07:03,979 --> 00:07:08,193
But it's fun to lose yourself
in the magic of Broadway.
192
00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:10,159
Alan.
193
00:07:10,202 --> 00:07:11,568
Fine.
194
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,643
Well, it's too bad
you're in a relationship.
195
00:07:14,887 --> 00:07:18,528
Kate's show will be packed
with half-naked supermodels.
196
00:07:18,703 --> 00:07:20,211
S-Supermodels?
197
00:07:20,369 --> 00:07:21,033
Yeah.
198
00:07:21,050 --> 00:07:21,985
Wow.
199
00:07:22,918 --> 00:07:24,267
Excuse me
a second.
200
00:07:24,302 --> 00:07:26,252
I'm gonna
make a call.
201
00:07:26,588 --> 00:07:28,139
My girl.
202
00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:31,280
Hey, Lyndsey.
203
00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:32,671
Hey, what's up?
204
00:07:32,698 --> 00:07:34,837
I'm on Walden's Jet.
205
00:07:34,866 --> 00:07:37,439
- I'm flying to New York City.
- For what?
206
00:07:37,479 --> 00:07:39,729
A fashion show,
maybe take in a musical.
207
00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:41,798
Ah. Guys' weekend.
208
00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:44,007
Yes, exactly.
209
00:07:44,209 --> 00:07:46,194
Um, so anyhow,
I just wanted to...
210
00:07:46,225 --> 00:07:48,276
make sure you still love me.
211
00:07:48,306 --> 00:07:50,723
Of course I do.
Why would you even ask?
212
00:07:50,783 --> 00:07:52,278
Well, you know, I'm on a plane.
213
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,733
You know, anything can happen
at any time. (chuckles)
214
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:55,974
Don't worry, Alan.
215
00:07:56,004 --> 00:07:56,979
I love you.
216
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,726
And we're gonna be
together forever.
217
00:07:58,951 --> 00:08:00,368
O-Okay, sweetie.
218
00:08:00,402 --> 00:08:02,375
I-I love you, too. Bye-bye.
219
00:08:03,911 --> 00:08:05,862
Son of a bitch.
220
00:08:09,881 --> 00:08:11,632
ALAN:
Oh, my. Oh, my.
221
00:08:11,981 --> 00:08:13,236
Oh... oh, gee.
222
00:08:13,274 --> 00:08:15,375
So... so tall. So...
223
00:08:15,421 --> 00:08:17,009
So very tall.
224
00:08:17,054 --> 00:08:19,427
Oh. Oh, that-that...
that's an 11.
225
00:08:19,955 --> 00:08:22,038
And... and now
we've got a... a 12.
226
00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:24,176
Oh, God, can you
believe this?
227
00:08:24,224 --> 00:08:26,629
All these beautiful women,
and I'm off the market.
228
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,591
Yeah, 'cause that's what
models are looking for:
229
00:08:29,631 --> 00:08:31,975
a middle-aged, twice
divorced, broke-ass guy
230
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,875
who lives in a guest room
with a dehumidifier
231
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,497
and my old tax returns.
232
00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:38,507
Ooh, "I make enough money
to pay taxes."
233
00:08:38,556 --> 00:08:40,607
Rub my nose in it.
234
00:08:40,651 --> 00:08:41,783
I'm sorry.
235
00:08:41,815 --> 00:08:43,314
I'm just nervous.
236
00:08:43,329 --> 00:08:44,996
I don't know if
I can do this.
237
00:08:45,014 --> 00:08:46,247
I feel like
I'm gonna puke.
238
00:08:46,258 --> 00:08:47,611
Well, this is
the place for it.
239
00:08:47,629 --> 00:08:49,583
Grab a feather
and get in line.
240
00:08:49,628 --> 00:08:50,660
KATE:
Sam!
241
00:08:50,852 --> 00:08:52,779
Hi, Kate.
242
00:08:52,813 --> 00:08:54,396
Hi.
243
00:08:55,261 --> 00:08:57,978
Alan, it's so good to...
244
00:08:58,546 --> 00:09:00,213
Alan! (laughs)
245
00:09:00,245 --> 00:09:02,154
I'm very, very
happy for you.
246
00:09:02,173 --> 00:09:03,598
I hope this fashion show
brings you
247
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,370
all the success in the world.
Thank you.
248
00:09:05,401 --> 00:09:07,352
Why don't I leave
the two of you alone
249
00:09:07,371 --> 00:09:09,815
while I fill my head
with images to think of
250
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,807
when I'm having sex
with the woman I love.
251
00:09:14,452 --> 00:09:16,286
I am so happy
you're here.
252
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,198
Are you kidding? I wouldn't
miss it for the world.
253
00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:19,609
So, what's this big surprise
254
00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:22,038
you had to fly all the way
to New York to talk to me about?
255
00:09:22,292 --> 00:09:24,180
Yeah... the surprise.
256
00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:25,814
That's...
257
00:09:25,847 --> 00:09:27,705
Okay, uh...
258
00:09:28,170 --> 00:09:29,367
close your eyes.
259
00:09:29,393 --> 00:09:30,766
All right.
260
00:09:31,492 --> 00:09:34,820
Kate, I'd like you to
meet Walden Schmidt.
261
00:09:37,965 --> 00:09:38,891
(laughs)
262
00:09:38,927 --> 00:09:40,161
I don't understand.
263
00:09:40,202 --> 00:09:42,130
My name's not
Sam Wilson.
264
00:09:42,171 --> 00:09:43,971
It's Walden Schmidt.
265
00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:46,029
What?
266
00:09:46,178 --> 00:09:48,130
ALAN:
♪ Walk like a man
267
00:09:48,161 --> 00:09:50,058
♪ Talk like a man
268
00:09:50,104 --> 00:09:53,776
♪ Walk like a man, my son
269
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:56,058
♪ No woman's worth ♪
270
00:10:00,542 --> 00:10:01,942
Wait a sec.
271
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,347
Your name's not Sam Wilson?
272
00:10:04,523 --> 00:10:05,573
No.
273
00:10:06,099 --> 00:10:08,546
And I'm not broke, either.
274
00:10:09,254 --> 00:10:10,821
I have a lot of money.
275
00:10:10,917 --> 00:10:14,052
In fact, I have
more than a lot.
276
00:10:14,117 --> 00:10:16,231
Like, think about
a lot of money,
277
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:18,617
and then multiply
it by ten...
278
00:10:19,461 --> 00:10:20,989
...thousand.
279
00:10:21,702 --> 00:10:23,469
But how is this possible?
280
00:10:23,532 --> 00:10:25,282
You worked at
a Christmas tree lot.
281
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:26,857
You didn't chip in on the rent.
282
00:10:26,878 --> 00:10:29,829
I saw you use toilet paper
as a coffee filter.
283
00:10:29,878 --> 00:10:31,878
That's only because
the day before
284
00:10:31,908 --> 00:10:34,075
I used the last coffee
filter as toilet paper.
285
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,299
Okay.
286
00:10:35,337 --> 00:10:37,904
Why are you
doing this, Sam?
287
00:10:37,952 --> 00:10:40,239
It's not Sam.
It's Walden.
288
00:10:40,329 --> 00:10:41,956
Okay, whatever your name is,
289
00:10:42,031 --> 00:10:44,772
why would you lie
about who you are?
290
00:10:44,842 --> 00:10:47,626
Because I wanted to meet
someone like you.
291
00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:49,011
Someone who's kind
292
00:10:49,028 --> 00:10:50,859
and genuine and sweet
293
00:10:50,907 --> 00:10:52,795
and not after my money.
294
00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:55,657
Someone that I felt like I had
a real connection with.
295
00:10:55,714 --> 00:10:58,548
So, to make sure
you could trust me,
296
00:10:58,595 --> 00:10:59,878
you lied to me?
297
00:10:59,914 --> 00:11:01,216
I'm really sorry.
298
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,646
I-I got caught up in it,
299
00:11:02,724 --> 00:11:05,070
and then I-I couldn't figure out
how to get out, and it...
300
00:11:05,103 --> 00:11:09,259
Trust me, you are the most
amazing person I've ever met.
301
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:13,619
I love you whether I'm
Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt.
302
00:11:13,698 --> 00:11:15,365
Well, good for you.
303
00:11:15,405 --> 00:11:19,241
Unfortunately, I have no idea
who Walden Schmidt is.
304
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:21,521
Kate, wait.
305
00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:23,211
You know what?
306
00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:26,811
This whole time, I thought
he was the douche.
307
00:11:26,892 --> 00:11:29,977
Turns out you're
the douche.
308
00:11:33,950 --> 00:11:36,168
Unbelievable.
309
00:11:36,743 --> 00:11:38,859
She likes me.
310
00:11:44,572 --> 00:11:46,230
How you doing?
311
00:11:48,385 --> 00:11:49,843
I've been better.
312
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:52,016
Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.
313
00:11:52,095 --> 00:11:54,651
You know what might
cheer you up?
314
00:11:54,901 --> 00:11:56,151
There are still tickets
315
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:58,815
for tonight's performance
of Jersey Boys.
316
00:11:58,854 --> 00:12:01,040
We're not going to Jersey Boys.
317
00:12:01,103 --> 00:12:02,786
Oh, I totally get it.
318
00:12:02,864 --> 00:12:04,397
Lion King it is.
319
00:12:04,475 --> 00:12:07,059
We're not going
to any musical at all.
320
00:12:07,119 --> 00:12:08,535
Fine.
321
00:12:09,324 --> 00:12:12,683
I just don't understand why
we both have to be depressed.
322
00:12:13,044 --> 00:12:16,012
I don't think she's
ever going to forgive me.
323
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:17,444
Why would she?
324
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:20,587
I mean, I lied to her
about everything.
325
00:12:20,617 --> 00:12:23,151
I don't want to give
anything away
326
00:12:23,204 --> 00:12:26,611
in case you change
your mind and we do go,but...
327
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:29,291
when Simba lies to his friends
328
00:12:30,013 --> 00:12:32,866
by not telling them
that he's the Lion King,
329
00:12:33,054 --> 00:12:34,387
they forgive him
330
00:12:34,468 --> 00:12:37,602
after a few short but snappy
dance numbers.
331
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:41,002
Life is not a musical, Alan.
332
00:12:41,734 --> 00:12:43,333
So knock it off.
333
00:12:43,416 --> 00:12:45,244
See, that wouldn't
have hurt so much
334
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,952
if you'd sung it.
335
00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:50,554
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just upset.
336
00:12:51,265 --> 00:12:54,190
I mean, I did
what I did for love.
337
00:12:55,939 --> 00:12:57,855
Am I really that bad of a guy?
338
00:12:57,913 --> 00:12:59,163
(music begins playing)
339
00:12:59,214 --> 00:13:00,915
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
340
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,953
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
341
00:13:02,994 --> 00:13:06,162
♪ You broke that
poor girl's heart ♪
342
00:13:06,164 --> 00:13:07,914
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
343
00:13:07,916 --> 00:13:10,099
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
344
00:13:10,101 --> 00:13:13,286
♪ You should have told the truth
right from the start ♪
345
00:13:13,288 --> 00:13:14,938
♪ But my intentions were good
346
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,090
♪ I was no slave to my wood
347
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:20,426
♪ I wanted her to love me
for me ♪
348
00:13:20,428 --> 00:13:22,078
♪ He does have lots of riches
349
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,119
♪ Which attracts
a lot of bitches ♪
350
00:13:25,634 --> 00:13:28,533
♪ Thank you, Alan,
but you'll never be on Glee ♪
351
00:13:28,581 --> 00:13:30,787
Aw, crap.
♪ If I may throw in my two cents ♪
352
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,810
♪ Your love was based
on a pretense ♪
353
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:35,799
♪ Your relationship
with Mother is to blame ♪
354
00:13:35,972 --> 00:13:37,985
♪ You didn't suckle
on her boobies ♪
355
00:13:38,012 --> 00:13:39,845
♪ You self-medicate
with doobies ♪
356
00:13:39,847 --> 00:13:41,064
♪ Which explains why
357
00:13:41,066 --> 00:13:43,449
♪ you used a made-up name...
Cue the refrain.
358
00:13:43,451 --> 00:13:45,201
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
359
00:13:45,203 --> 00:13:46,869
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
360
00:13:46,871 --> 00:13:49,961
♪ Everything you said
was a lie ♪
361
00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:52,155
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
362
00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:53,763
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
363
00:13:53,783 --> 00:13:56,721
♪ But you're still a really,
really handsome guy ♪
364
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:57,479
Thank you.
365
00:13:57,501 --> 00:13:59,009
♪ Then what am I to do
366
00:13:59,036 --> 00:14:01,286
♪ So I don't always
live with you? ♪
367
00:14:01,588 --> 00:14:04,039
♪ Wow, that hurts my feelings
368
00:14:04,089 --> 00:14:07,567
♪ But since I live there
beneath your ceilings ♪
369
00:14:07,687 --> 00:14:11,311
♪ I'll bite the pillow
like the prison bitches do ♪
370
00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:12,757
Ooh!
371
00:14:12,807 --> 00:14:14,416
♪ If she gives me
one more chance ♪
372
00:14:14,447 --> 00:14:16,080
♪ We can have a real romance
373
00:14:16,096 --> 00:14:19,304
♪ If she doesn't,
we can party in my pants ♪
374
00:14:19,346 --> 00:14:21,056
♪ 'Scuse me, no disrespect ♪
375
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,143
♪ But I have to interject
376
00:14:23,173 --> 00:14:26,420
♪ What makes you think
you can steal the show? ♪
377
00:14:27,574 --> 00:14:29,245
♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪
378
00:14:29,265 --> 00:14:31,156
♪ Oh, you're so clearly
from L.A. ♪
379
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,467
♪ Yes, I'm gay ♪
380
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,284
♪ And he will always
be that way ♪
381
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:35,682
♪ I'm gay ♪
382
00:14:35,846 --> 00:14:37,829
♪ Or as his Jersey friends
would say ♪
383
00:14:37,861 --> 00:14:40,913
♪ A-yo, badda bing,
he's a big ol' 'mo ♪
384
00:14:40,938 --> 00:14:44,029
♪ 'Scuse me, but we seem
to be digressing ♪
385
00:14:44,101 --> 00:14:47,399
♪ And I find it to be
quite distressing ♪
386
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:50,751
♪ Can we sing about
the problem that's at hand? ♪
387
00:14:50,772 --> 00:14:54,825
♪ Can Kate get over Sam
and love who I am? ♪
388
00:14:54,846 --> 00:14:58,053
You confusin' me for someone
who gives a damn.
389
00:14:58,291 --> 00:14:59,541
So bottom line...
390
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,065
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
391
00:15:01,089 --> 00:15:02,839
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
392
00:15:03,165 --> 00:15:05,808
♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪
393
00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:07,693
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
394
00:15:07,717 --> 00:15:09,300
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
395
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:10,507
(phone ringing)
396
00:15:10,554 --> 00:15:12,782
Hold it, everybody,
that's my phone.
397
00:15:13,324 --> 00:15:15,158
Hello? Kate?
398
00:15:15,208 --> 00:15:17,198
KATE:
You're a douche.
399
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,278
♪ Douche, douche,
douche, douche ♪
400
00:15:19,297 --> 00:15:21,247
♪ Douche-y, douche,
douche, douche... ♪
401
00:15:21,249 --> 00:15:24,389
♪ Douche, you're a douche,
oh, what a douche ♪
402
00:15:24,421 --> 00:15:27,515
(rapping): ♪ You couldn't say it meaner,
I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪
403
00:15:27,544 --> 00:15:30,779
♪ Didn't do what I oughta,
I'm vinegar and water ♪
404
00:15:30,802 --> 00:15:33,015
♪ On this we all agree
405
00:15:33,044 --> 00:15:34,344
♪ Oh, yes, we all agree
406
00:15:34,385 --> 00:15:37,560
♪ Oh, good, you finally see
to shining sea ♪
407
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:40,576
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪
408
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:43,873
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche
409
00:15:43,907 --> 00:15:47,279
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪
410
00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:48,518
Drumroll!
411
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:50,156
(drumroll)
412
00:15:50,609 --> 00:15:51,553
♪ You're a douche ♪
413
00:15:51,579 --> 00:15:52,495
♪ You're a douche ♪
I'm a douche!
414
00:15:52,507 --> 00:15:54,507
♪ Just a big fizzy douche
415
00:15:54,529 --> 00:15:56,729
♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪
416
00:15:57,114 --> 00:15:58,099
♪ You're a douche ♪
417
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,138
♪ You're a douche ♪
Just a douche!
418
00:15:59,157 --> 00:16:00,758
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
419
00:16:00,788 --> 00:16:06,007
♪ And that's all
you'll ever be ♪
420
00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:08,749
ALL:
Douche!
421
00:16:10,148 --> 00:16:11,635
Walden.
422
00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,566
Walden?
423
00:16:13,568 --> 00:16:15,017
(phone ringing)
424
00:16:15,019 --> 00:16:16,661
Uh, your phone's ringing.
425
00:16:16,791 --> 00:16:18,068
What...?
426
00:16:18,527 --> 00:16:19,770
Oh.
427
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:23,220
It's Kate.
428
00:16:24,602 --> 00:16:26,115
Hey, Kate.
429
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:28,649
Yeah, I can meet.
430
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,755
Yeah, I'll be right there.
431
00:16:30,852 --> 00:16:32,107
Okay.
432
00:16:32,983 --> 00:16:34,600
She wants to see me.
433
00:16:34,628 --> 00:16:36,199
Here, take care
of the check for me.
434
00:16:36,213 --> 00:16:37,675
Will do.
435
00:16:52,029 --> 00:16:53,420
Douche.
436
00:16:58,591 --> 00:16:59,634
Hey.
437
00:17:00,757 --> 00:17:01,953
Hey.
438
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:03,748
How'd the show go?
439
00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:05,618
It was pretty amazing, actually.
440
00:17:05,647 --> 00:17:09,315
The buyer from Neiman Marcus
is interested in my stuff.
441
00:17:09,703 --> 00:17:11,148
That's great.
442
00:17:11,182 --> 00:17:12,614
About halfway through the show,
443
00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:14,312
I realized that...
444
00:17:14,373 --> 00:17:17,741
Alan probably didn't pay
for this, did he?
445
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:19,089
No.
446
00:17:20,022 --> 00:17:22,206
But if the models ask,
throw him a bone.
447
00:17:22,264 --> 00:17:23,571
(giggles)
448
00:17:23,969 --> 00:17:25,168
Thank you.
449
00:17:25,561 --> 00:17:27,643
I'm really sorry.
450
00:17:28,831 --> 00:17:31,149
Do you think that there's
a way that we can...
451
00:17:31,204 --> 00:17:32,483
make this work?
452
00:17:32,514 --> 00:17:34,199
I don't know.
453
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,570
I mean, I trusted you, and...
454
00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:38,442
you didn't trust me.
455
00:17:39,636 --> 00:17:42,138
Now I don't even
know who you are.
456
00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:45,143
Well, if you think about it,
I'm really the same guy.
457
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:47,184
I just have a better watch.
458
00:17:47,292 --> 00:17:49,133
And a better car.
459
00:17:49,224 --> 00:17:50,460
A better house.
460
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:51,698
A better...
461
00:17:52,485 --> 00:17:53,571
jet.
462
00:17:54,458 --> 00:17:55,593
(sighs)
463
00:17:55,898 --> 00:17:57,928
So nothing about you is real.
464
00:17:58,007 --> 00:18:00,484
What's real is that I love you.
465
00:18:01,436 --> 00:18:03,943
Okay, well...
466
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:08,012
I'm gonna need some time
to process all of this.
467
00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:17,529
So, you think...
468
00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,258
maybe when we
get back to L.A...
469
00:18:19,276 --> 00:18:20,590
I'm not going back to L.A.
470
00:18:20,609 --> 00:18:21,609
What?
471
00:18:21,629 --> 00:18:23,643
Yeah, thanks to you, I...
472
00:18:23,679 --> 00:18:25,495
might have a life here now.
473
00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:27,118
Wow.
474
00:18:27,536 --> 00:18:30,204
I didn't think any
of this through, did I?
475
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:33,406
Apparently not, Walden Smith.
476
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,842
It's actually Schmidt.
477
00:18:36,168 --> 00:18:38,407
You know, it's not important.
478
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,445
So I guess I'll just wait
to hear from you.
479
00:18:42,608 --> 00:18:44,208
I guess so.
480
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:47,744
Good-bye, Sam.
481
00:18:52,992 --> 00:18:54,443
(quietly):
It's Walden.
482
00:18:54,910 --> 00:18:55,545
ALAN:
Hey.
483
00:18:55,584 --> 00:18:57,611
Look who needs
a ride back to L.A.
484
00:18:57,652 --> 00:19:00,637
Ja, Alan the billionaire's
got a big jet.
485
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,778
It slipped out while they
were running away from me.
486
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,601
♪ Men. ♪
487
00:19:10,821 --> 00:19:12,824
BRITTE:
Ooh, too much champagne!
488
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,264
(giggling)
489
00:19:14,944 --> 00:19:17,545
They are... awfully pretty.
490
00:19:17,881 --> 00:19:19,206
Yeah.
491
00:19:19,644 --> 00:19:21,660
You, uh... you gonna?
492
00:19:24,129 --> 00:19:26,127
Nah, I'm not interested.
493
00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:27,350
Oh, me, neither.
494
00:19:27,369 --> 00:19:29,281
You know, I have a girlfriend.
495
00:19:29,944 --> 00:19:31,678
But, you know,
if we could, uh,
496
00:19:31,696 --> 00:19:33,947
which, uh... which one
would you choose?
497
00:19:37,642 --> 00:19:38,809
Probably the brunette.
498
00:19:38,838 --> 00:19:40,851
Really? The brunette?
499
00:19:41,954 --> 00:19:43,420
Oh, you want the brunette?
500
00:19:43,442 --> 00:19:44,916
Oh, me? No, I...
501
00:19:44,941 --> 00:19:47,608
I said, you know...
the aforementioned girlfriend.
502
00:19:49,852 --> 00:19:52,153
Although Lyndsey is a blonde,
503
00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:55,691
and the brunette would make
a very nice palate cleanser.
504
00:19:56,894 --> 00:19:59,128
You know, uh, uh...
hypothetically.
505
00:19:59,789 --> 00:20:00,513
Fine.
506
00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:01,917
You can have the brunette.
507
00:20:01,938 --> 00:20:03,004
Hypothetically.
508
00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:04,569
If we're talking hypothetically,
509
00:20:04,584 --> 00:20:07,265
it's my plane, you're not here,
and I'm taking them both.
510
00:20:08,863 --> 00:20:10,508
Right. Are we
done with this?
511
00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:12,138
Hypothetically.
512
00:20:13,656 --> 00:20:15,290
So, uh, I assume you're
513
00:20:15,316 --> 00:20:16,833
moving back into
the beach house.
514
00:20:16,856 --> 00:20:18,306
- Yeah.
- Good. Good.
515
00:20:18,327 --> 00:20:19,665
The place felt
empty without you.
516
00:20:19,683 --> 00:20:20,907
Oh, please.
517
00:20:20,914 --> 00:20:22,151
You loved every minute of it.
518
00:20:22,166 --> 00:20:23,966
I did. I really did.
519
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:27,119
I got to tell you,
your bed ruined me.
520
00:20:27,155 --> 00:20:29,539
And I ruined it.
521
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,085
Ugh.
522
00:20:31,127 --> 00:20:33,761
I'm sorry, buddy.
You were gone a long time.
523
00:20:35,219 --> 00:20:36,416
I'm just gonna miss
524
00:20:36,438 --> 00:20:39,138
waking up next to Kate
every morning. Mmm...
525
00:20:39,177 --> 00:20:42,714
I'm gonna miss driving
your fancy sports car.
526
00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:45,085
I'm gonna miss
the way she held my hand
527
00:20:45,114 --> 00:20:46,780
when we watched a movie.
528
00:20:46,964 --> 00:20:48,261
I'm gonna miss the way
529
00:20:48,283 --> 00:20:50,699
your underwear felt
fresh from the dryer.
530
00:20:53,269 --> 00:20:54,708
I'm taking the brunette.
531
00:20:54,904 --> 00:20:59,014
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth