1
00:00:02,265 --> 00:00:03,797
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:03,822 --> 00:00:05,308
I am determined to find
3
00:00:05,334 --> 00:00:06,611
someone who wants
to be with me
4
00:00:06,626 --> 00:00:08,869
for who I am, not what I have.
5
00:00:09,025 --> 00:00:11,000
My point is you can be whoever
you want to be.
6
00:00:11,018 --> 00:00:12,281
I can help you out with that.
7
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:14,362
I appreciate it... Kate.
8
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,744
Sam Wilson.
9
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:17,520
Maybe you could crash here.
10
00:00:17,544 --> 00:00:18,593
Have you really
thought this through?
11
00:00:18,624 --> 00:00:20,786
I got to see
where this goes with Kate.
12
00:00:20,845 --> 00:00:22,178
I think it is great
13
00:00:22,203 --> 00:00:24,382
that you're working on
your computer stuff,
14
00:00:24,408 --> 00:00:25,936
but we need help now.
15
00:00:25,957 --> 00:00:27,218
Say no more.
16
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:29,632
I'll start looking
for a job.
17
00:00:33,891 --> 00:00:34,993
Hey.
18
00:00:35,092 --> 00:00:38,100
Oh, look who finally
decided to show up.
19
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,387
Uh, yeah, I got
stuck in traffic.
20
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:41,648
Traffic, pfft.
21
00:00:41,662 --> 00:00:43,871
You were with her,
weren't you?
22
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:45,926
Really, Alan?
23
00:00:45,950 --> 00:00:47,653
Well, I don't mean to sound
like a broken record,
24
00:00:47,695 --> 00:00:49,286
but you're never
home anymore.
25
00:00:49,309 --> 00:00:51,029
I was just there
the other night.
26
00:00:51,065 --> 00:00:52,364
And all you did
was watch the game
27
00:00:52,375 --> 00:00:53,841
and fall asleep.
Remember how we used
28
00:00:53,848 --> 00:00:56,132
to stay up all night
and just talk?
29
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,446
Okay, you know, fine,
we can talk now.
30
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:01,743
- What's on your mind?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
31
00:01:01,790 --> 00:01:04,283
(sighs) I'm not
a mind reader, Alan.
32
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:08,243
Well, not that
you care, but...
33
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,059
I'm rattling around
in that big house
34
00:01:10,089 --> 00:01:11,517
all by myself.
35
00:01:11,584 --> 00:01:14,151
I miss you.
There, I said it.
36
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,741
I miss you, too.
37
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,802
Well, you got a funny
way of showing it.
38
00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:20,277
You do understand I have
a girlfriend, right?
39
00:01:20,306 --> 00:01:21,204
So do I.
40
00:01:21,229 --> 00:01:23,532
A-Another peach
mojito, please.
41
00:01:23,599 --> 00:01:25,270
What are you drinking?
It's on me.
42
00:01:25,292 --> 00:01:26,886
And by "on me,"
I mean the money
43
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,643
you left me to
pay the bills,
44
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,159
which, incidentally,
I used for other stuff,
45
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,183
so I'll need money
to pay the bills.
46
00:01:33,704 --> 00:01:35,600
I'll have
a ginger ale, please.
47
00:01:35,627 --> 00:01:36,910
Ginger ale?
48
00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:38,950
Yeah, my stomach's
been bothering me.
49
00:01:38,969 --> 00:01:40,752
I haven't really been
feeling myself lately.
50
00:01:40,776 --> 00:01:41,941
Which self would
that be?
51
00:01:41,953 --> 00:01:43,499
Walden Schmidt
or Sam Wilson?
52
00:01:43,532 --> 00:01:46,185
Sam Wilson has
a lot of stress.
53
00:01:46,684 --> 00:01:47,822
Thank you.
54
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:49,230
Money's tight.
55
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,930
You'd be surprised
what that does to a guy.
56
00:01:50,959 --> 00:01:52,670
Please, I've been so
desperate for money,
57
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,362
I've climbed into
fountains at night
58
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,998
and stolen the
wishes of children.
59
00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:58,466
So you get it.
60
00:01:58,487 --> 00:01:59,598
What I don't get
is why you don't
61
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:01,491
resolve the stress and just
tell Kate the truth.
62
00:02:01,516 --> 00:02:02,638
(scoffs)
That's not gonna happen.
63
00:02:02,663 --> 00:02:03,887
Why not?
I don't know,
64
00:02:03,908 --> 00:02:05,558
everything's
going so great,
65
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:06,966
I don't want
to screw it up.
66
00:02:07,014 --> 00:02:09,212
Oh, that's not good.
67
00:02:10,824 --> 00:02:13,497
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
68
00:02:13,590 --> 00:02:14,181
♪ Ah...
♪ Men.
69
00:02:14,274 --> 00:02:16,701
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x12 ♪
Welcome to Alancrest
Original Air Date on January 3, 2013
70
00:02:16,795 --> 00:02:19,630
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
71
00:02:19,992 --> 00:02:21,725
♪ Men. ♪
72
00:02:22,463 --> 00:02:24,547
I don't know whether this is
beef or chicken,
73
00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:27,089
but it's definitely
worth 79 cents.
74
00:02:30,021 --> 00:02:31,544
What's the matter?
75
00:02:31,605 --> 00:02:34,822
My life has been
a complete waste of time.
76
00:02:34,839 --> 00:02:37,556
Otherwise, I'm terrific.
77
00:02:38,096 --> 00:02:39,462
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
78
00:02:39,498 --> 00:02:41,445
Wait, is this...
is this one of
79
00:02:41,464 --> 00:02:42,814
the dresses you made?
Mm-hmm.
80
00:02:42,823 --> 00:02:44,212
Why are you throwing it away?
81
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:47,166
Because, apparently...
my stuff's not good enough
82
00:02:47,218 --> 00:02:50,303
to get a job
that pays nothing.
83
00:02:50,345 --> 00:02:51,934
You didn't get the internship?
84
00:02:51,976 --> 00:02:55,427
Nope. Rejected by the guy
who assists the guy
85
00:02:55,469 --> 00:02:58,835
who assists the guy
who designs Snooki's
86
00:02:58,867 --> 00:03:02,285
signature line
of baby thongs.
87
00:03:02,327 --> 00:03:04,349
Okay, don't worry,
you're gonna get next one.
88
00:03:04,381 --> 00:03:06,812
There is no next one.
89
00:03:06,864 --> 00:03:08,731
I mean, obviously
90
00:03:08,783 --> 00:03:11,174
I don't have what it takes
to be a fashion designer.
91
00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:13,358
And at a certain point,
I just have to bite the bullet
92
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,150
and admit it is not happening.
93
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:16,862
But you're not at that point.
94
00:03:16,894 --> 00:03:18,360
Three words:
95
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:19,863
Snooki's...
96
00:03:19,974 --> 00:03:21,306
baby...
97
00:03:21,351 --> 00:03:22,829
thongs!
98
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,157
I think your designs are great.
99
00:03:25,186 --> 00:03:27,823
You have to say that;
I have sex with you.
100
00:03:29,144 --> 00:03:30,165
True.
101
00:03:30,196 --> 00:03:34,744
But if I was a woman,
I would totally wear this dress.
102
00:03:35,064 --> 00:03:36,664
Hell, three shots of tequila
103
00:03:36,696 --> 00:03:38,576
and I would wear this dress.
104
00:03:38,881 --> 00:03:40,983
And I would work it!
(grunts)
105
00:03:41,132 --> 00:03:44,054
Okay, don't make me laugh
when I'm trying to cry.
106
00:03:44,081 --> 00:03:46,180
Too late, because
I am fierce.
107
00:03:46,221 --> 00:03:49,472
(humming dance music)
(laughing)
108
00:03:50,954 --> 00:03:52,354
I love you, Sam.
109
00:03:52,382 --> 00:03:55,217
Uh, you have to say that;
I have sex with you.
110
00:03:55,377 --> 00:03:57,727
Okay, the real test is,
111
00:03:57,761 --> 00:04:00,609
will you have sex with me
wearing that dress?
112
00:04:00,888 --> 00:04:03,632
You get the tequila,
I'll go put on some heels.
113
00:04:07,462 --> 00:04:09,596
Lightly salted,
just the way you like.
114
00:04:09,598 --> 00:04:11,381
Mm, thanks.
(chuckles)
115
00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:13,300
Who could've seen
this coming?
116
00:04:13,302 --> 00:04:14,267
Right.
117
00:04:14,432 --> 00:04:16,530
We end up with the house.
(chuckles)
118
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,522
Unbelievable.
119
00:04:18,574 --> 00:04:20,190
You know how
I used to say
120
00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:22,007
you'd have to pay me
to hang out with you?
121
00:04:22,027 --> 00:04:22,853
Yeah.
122
00:04:22,875 --> 00:04:24,748
Here we are!
123
00:04:26,650 --> 00:04:27,576
WALDEN:
Hey, guys.
124
00:04:27,595 --> 00:04:28,526
Mm.
Mm!
125
00:04:28,541 --> 00:04:30,771
Oh, Look who it is.
Sam Wilson.
126
00:04:30,802 --> 00:04:31,684
Hey, Alan,
127
00:04:31,698 --> 00:04:33,035
can I, can I talk to you
for a second?
128
00:04:33,044 --> 00:04:34,157
Oh, sure.
129
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,490
The principal wants to see me.
Mm.
130
00:04:37,542 --> 00:04:40,447
Oh, uh, Berta,
I brought some laundry by.
131
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:41,731
Uh, do you mind?
132
00:04:41,753 --> 00:04:44,454
It's your machine.
Knock yourself out.
133
00:04:48,014 --> 00:04:49,256
So, what's up?
134
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,147
I'm transferring $100,000
into your bank account.
135
00:04:52,395 --> 00:04:54,446
(gasps):
A hundred... thousand...
136
00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:56,947
Catch me, Lord.
137
00:04:56,993 --> 00:04:58,043
(panting)
138
00:04:58,068 --> 00:04:58,796
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
139
00:04:58,814 --> 00:05:00,230
I-I think I need
to sit down.
140
00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:01,573
Yeah, yeah.
I...
141
00:05:01,593 --> 00:05:03,633
I-I could swear
that I heard you say
142
00:05:03,635 --> 00:05:05,652
you were gonna put
$100,000 into my account.
143
00:05:05,654 --> 00:05:06,686
I am.
144
00:05:06,688 --> 00:05:08,855
There it goes again.
145
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,424
It's-it's like the teacups
at Disneyland.
146
00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:13,552
How can I ever thank you?
147
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,423
The money's not for you,
it's for Kate.
148
00:05:15,460 --> 00:05:17,310
Next time, lead with that.
149
00:05:17,332 --> 00:05:19,589
I want you to invest
in her fashion designs.
150
00:05:19,689 --> 00:05:21,375
What?
She's really talented,
151
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:23,038
but nobody will
give her a shot.
152
00:05:23,064 --> 00:05:24,628
Are you sure she's talented?
153
00:05:24,656 --> 00:05:26,322
It isn't just
boom-shaka-laka-laka,
154
00:05:26,363 --> 00:05:28,080
boom-shaka-laka-laka?
155
00:05:29,026 --> 00:05:31,603
I'm about to give you
a boom-shaka-laka.
156
00:05:32,547 --> 00:05:35,619
No, $100,000 will help
her start her company.
157
00:05:35,655 --> 00:05:37,085
So give it to her.
I can't.
158
00:05:37,098 --> 00:05:38,844
I'm Sam Wilson.
I'm broke.
159
00:05:38,869 --> 00:05:41,019
But you can,
because you're
160
00:05:41,037 --> 00:05:43,055
Alan Harper,
billionaire.
161
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:45,281
Oh...
162
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,529
Fashion's kind of risky.
163
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,293
And Alan Harper did not
become a billionaire
164
00:05:53,318 --> 00:05:55,604
by taking unnecessary risks.
165
00:05:55,737 --> 00:05:58,495
You are taking an
unnecessary risk right now.
166
00:05:58,516 --> 00:06:01,554
No, I-I'm just saying that I'd
rather put my money into gold,
167
00:06:01,586 --> 00:06:03,035
or maybe start a vineyard.
168
00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:04,507
Alancrest.
169
00:06:05,511 --> 00:06:08,051
You know, fine, when
you make $100,000--
170
00:06:08,072 --> 00:06:10,084
I don't even have
to finish that.
171
00:06:10,533 --> 00:06:13,389
I-I want my money
invested in Kate.
172
00:06:13,413 --> 00:06:15,306
Okay, no problem.
173
00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:18,308
But I'll have to see
some of her sketches first.
174
00:06:18,422 --> 00:06:19,118
Alan.
175
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:21,834
What? You want this to be
believable, don't you?
176
00:06:21,957 --> 00:06:22,779
Okay, fine.
177
00:06:22,794 --> 00:06:23,891
Have us over
tomorrow night.
178
00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:25,465
Ooh, kind of short notice.
179
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:26,638
Alan!
180
00:06:26,724 --> 00:06:28,600
Can't we do this at your house?
181
00:06:28,769 --> 00:06:30,543
This is my house!
182
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:37,148
Awfully rude for a guy
who wants my money.
183
00:06:49,251 --> 00:06:52,331
It's like you've never
washed a dish in your life.
184
00:06:53,248 --> 00:06:54,934
What are you
talking about?
185
00:06:54,949 --> 00:06:57,910
There's still SpaghettiOs
on this plate.
186
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,473
(chuckles)
187
00:07:00,126 --> 00:07:02,062
Well, you're the one
that wanted to be all fancy
188
00:07:02,091 --> 00:07:04,976
and said we couldn't eat them
straight out of the can.
189
00:07:05,362 --> 00:07:06,306
Ugh.
190
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:09,325
Oh, speaking of fancy,
I saw Alan today.
191
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:10,713
Ew.
192
00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:13,880
It was actually a really
interesting conversation.
193
00:07:13,949 --> 00:07:16,366
He's looking for some
new investments.
194
00:07:16,406 --> 00:07:19,191
He should go and buy himself
a better personality.
195
00:07:19,427 --> 00:07:21,449
Nobody's that rich.
196
00:07:21,490 --> 00:07:24,985
Uh, but I did tell him
that you're trying to start
197
00:07:25,009 --> 00:07:26,400
your own fashion company.
198
00:07:26,421 --> 00:07:28,087
Oh, Sam, you didn't.
199
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,747
Oh, but I did.
200
00:07:30,448 --> 00:07:32,132
Well, he's in a position
to help you.
201
00:07:32,148 --> 00:07:33,892
I don't want his help.
202
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,296
Unless I'm gonna start
a line called
203
00:07:35,311 --> 00:07:36,895
House of Douche.
204
00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:39,093
Don't be ridiculous.
205
00:07:39,121 --> 00:07:41,438
I'm sure that name's
already taken.
206
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,223
Hey, he could be the answer
to all your problems.
207
00:07:44,243 --> 00:07:45,726
Oh, I don't know.
208
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,129
Before you say no,
209
00:07:47,210 --> 00:07:49,126
he invited us over
tomorrow night
210
00:07:49,148 --> 00:07:51,148
so you can show him
your designs.
211
00:07:52,237 --> 00:07:53,975
Really think he'd invest in me?
212
00:07:54,022 --> 00:07:55,689
He'd have to be an idiot not to.
213
00:07:55,706 --> 00:07:57,536
But he is an idiot.
214
00:07:58,827 --> 00:08:00,030
True.
215
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:02,684
Give it a chance?
216
00:08:02,770 --> 00:08:04,136
All right.
217
00:08:04,173 --> 00:08:05,137
I'll do it.
218
00:08:05,162 --> 00:08:08,116
Great. Oh, did I mention
that if you take his money,
219
00:08:08,135 --> 00:08:09,231
you have to
sleep with him?
220
00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:10,465
(gags)
221
00:08:11,089 --> 00:08:13,257
I'm kidding;
I'll totally do him.
222
00:08:13,508 --> 00:08:14,708
(gags)
223
00:08:14,850 --> 00:08:16,560
(laughs)
224
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:21,043
(doorbell rings)
225
00:08:23,834 --> 00:08:25,654
Ah! Sam, Kate.
226
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,516
Welcome to Alancrest.
227
00:08:27,685 --> 00:08:29,627
W-Why are you
wearing pajamas?
228
00:08:29,645 --> 00:08:31,469
I'm rich. I can.
229
00:08:31,704 --> 00:08:33,597
Mm. You have
a beautiful home.
230
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:35,769
It'll work
until my castle's finished.
231
00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:37,839
Entrez-vous.
232
00:08:37,866 --> 00:08:40,586
Uh, that's French for
"enter, you."
233
00:08:41,056 --> 00:08:41,815
Oh, look,
234
00:08:41,837 --> 00:08:44,002
my panoramic ocean view.
(laughs)
235
00:08:44,037 --> 00:08:46,370
You can follow my
seagulls on Twitter.
236
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,091
Hashtag, "Gulls gone wild."
237
00:08:50,328 --> 00:08:51,981
Oh, ah, delightful!
238
00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:53,913
Thank you, Berta.
That will be all.
239
00:08:53,952 --> 00:08:56,086
Damn right it will!
240
00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:59,169
(laughs) She's been
with the family for years.
241
00:08:59,181 --> 00:09:00,563
They say you're not really rich
242
00:09:00,589 --> 00:09:02,961
until you have servants
who hate you.
243
00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:05,610
Uh, Alan, Kate brought
her portfolio to show you.
244
00:09:05,644 --> 00:09:06,653
Oh, yes!
245
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:08,226
Kate, please
take a seat.
246
00:09:08,244 --> 00:09:09,840
(laughs)
Take my breath away!
247
00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,598
Oh, I'd love to.
248
00:09:12,457 --> 00:09:15,101
I made some new sketches
just for you.
249
00:09:15,135 --> 00:09:17,176
Uh, yeah, she's been
working really hard on them.
250
00:09:17,192 --> 00:09:19,003
I-I think you're really
gonna like what you see.
251
00:09:19,023 --> 00:09:20,501
(laughs)
No offense, Sam,
252
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,718
but look at the
way you dress.
253
00:09:23,709 --> 00:09:24,699
Mm.
254
00:09:24,724 --> 00:09:26,023
All right.
255
00:09:26,459 --> 00:09:28,258
Oh, it's-it's nice.
256
00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,000
No, I-I like
what you did here.
257
00:09:30,024 --> 00:09:31,089
Thank you.
258
00:09:31,889 --> 00:09:33,952
Uh, cap sleeves are
last season, but,
259
00:09:33,966 --> 00:09:36,199
you know, okay.
(laughs)
260
00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:38,003
Oh, you know,
I'm kind of done
261
00:09:38,024 --> 00:09:40,474
with rompers, but I understand
what you're going for.
262
00:09:41,644 --> 00:09:42,911
Oh, oh.
263
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,263
Velvet.
(chuckles)
264
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,930
(singsong):
Kind of whorish.
265
00:09:46,339 --> 00:09:47,870
Excuse me?
WALDEN: Okay.
266
00:09:47,893 --> 00:09:50,843
You know what, uh, Kate,
why don't you run out to the car
267
00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:52,155
and grab some of your samples.
268
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:54,068
I think Alan would
love to see them.
269
00:09:54,090 --> 00:09:55,639
Yeah, sure.
270
00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:58,273
Just hope
they're not too whorish.
271
00:09:58,707 --> 00:09:59,429
Yeah.
272
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:01,832
Let's leave that
to Lady Gaga.
273
00:10:04,262 --> 00:10:05,487
Ow!
274
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,288
What the hell
is the matter with you?
275
00:10:08,331 --> 00:10:10,748
Me? She's the one
who paired an empire waist
276
00:10:10,772 --> 00:10:12,647
with a Peter Pan collar!
277
00:10:12,672 --> 00:10:17,714
You're supposed to be a simple
rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.
278
00:10:18,481 --> 00:10:20,783
Hey, hey, you have
your character, I have mine.
279
00:10:20,810 --> 00:10:23,444
Well, your character is a
festering heap of human waste!
280
00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:26,092
I think we both know, if I had
money, I'd be the biggest
281
00:10:26,131 --> 00:10:29,061
festering heap of human waste
that ever lived!
282
00:10:29,761 --> 00:10:32,645
All you have to do is tell her
that you want to invest
283
00:10:32,672 --> 00:10:34,641
and give her my $100,000.
284
00:10:34,674 --> 00:10:37,199
Well, fine,
but velvet is whorish.
285
00:10:37,859 --> 00:10:39,322
Okay, here we are.
286
00:10:39,354 --> 00:10:41,625
Uh, let's see.
287
00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:44,867
This is a cute, little shift
288
00:10:44,889 --> 00:10:46,087
that goes from
day to night.
289
00:10:46,111 --> 00:10:48,290
I love them all!
What?
290
00:10:48,321 --> 00:10:49,474
You-you haven't even seen them.
291
00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:51,831
I've seen
all I need to see, Kate.
292
00:10:51,855 --> 00:10:54,189
I want to invest in
your line of clothing.
293
00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:54,936
Really?
294
00:10:54,953 --> 00:10:55,952
Yes! Now tell me,
295
00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:57,003
what's our
business plan?
296
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,677
Well, it depends.
If I had enough money,
297
00:10:58,704 --> 00:11:00,905
I'd put a show together for
Fashion Week in New York.
298
00:11:00,923 --> 00:11:01,547
That way, I'd be able to...
299
00:11:01,563 --> 00:11:04,056
Sounds great. Pack
your bags for New York,
300
00:11:04,087 --> 00:11:08,756
because I'm gonna write
you a check for $50,000.
301
00:11:09,162 --> 00:11:10,826
KATE and WALDEN:
What?!
302
00:11:10,852 --> 00:11:12,218
Sam, did you hear that?
303
00:11:12,237 --> 00:11:13,653
Uh, yeah, I did.
304
00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:14,980
What's the-- $50,000?
305
00:11:14,994 --> 00:11:16,629
I-I know it's a lot.
306
00:11:16,650 --> 00:11:19,300
But I believe in her, and
I want to take a chance.
307
00:11:19,537 --> 00:11:20,432
WALDEN:
Uh, well,
308
00:11:20,445 --> 00:11:22,413
if you really believe
in her, maybe you'd...
309
00:11:22,441 --> 00:11:24,226
maybe you'd like to invest
a little bit more.
310
00:11:24,261 --> 00:11:24,876
Sam.
311
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,100
No, no, no.
He's right.
312
00:11:27,724 --> 00:11:30,174
I'm gonna hate
myself for this.
313
00:11:31,049 --> 00:11:33,003
But what the heck.
314
00:11:33,055 --> 00:11:35,346
$60,000.
315
00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,133
(laughing)
316
00:11:43,229 --> 00:11:46,803
I can't believe Alan
gave me $100,000.
317
00:11:46,863 --> 00:11:49,944
I can't believe
it took him two hours to do it.
318
00:11:51,052 --> 00:11:52,523
Thank you.
319
00:11:52,561 --> 00:11:54,852
What are you thanking me for?
320
00:11:54,896 --> 00:11:57,947
Because I know none of this
would've happened without you.
321
00:11:57,993 --> 00:12:00,234
I just introduced you.
322
00:12:00,268 --> 00:12:02,652
Your whorish velvet
did the rest.
323
00:12:02,704 --> 00:12:04,554
(laughs)
324
00:12:05,574 --> 00:12:07,574
You are the sweetest...
325
00:12:08,763 --> 00:12:10,260
most generous...
326
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:12,370
open, giving...
327
00:12:12,614 --> 00:12:15,235
caring, genuine person
I've ever met, Sam Wilson.
328
00:12:15,285 --> 00:12:17,736
(chuckles)
That's me.
329
00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:20,260
Good old Sam Wilson.
330
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:24,419
This whole thing...
is incredible.
331
00:12:24,459 --> 00:12:26,261
I am so excited.
332
00:12:26,317 --> 00:12:27,707
Me, too.
333
00:12:29,431 --> 00:12:31,029
Are you sure?
334
00:12:31,063 --> 00:12:32,151
What do you mean?
335
00:12:32,172 --> 00:12:34,396
Well, it just
seems like, um,
336
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,455
Little Sam doesn't have
his head in the game.
337
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:38,788
Um...
338
00:12:39,773 --> 00:12:41,147
Yeah.
339
00:12:41,986 --> 00:12:43,218
I...
340
00:12:43,289 --> 00:12:45,166
Maybe I just need a minute.
341
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,069
Okay.
342
00:12:51,302 --> 00:12:53,470
Do you think I'm fat?
343
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:09,902
Alan.
344
00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:11,617
Wake up.
345
00:13:11,619 --> 00:13:14,153
Mm... what, what?
346
00:13:14,721 --> 00:13:15,871
Walden.
347
00:13:15,899 --> 00:13:18,427
What-what am I doing
in your bed?
348
00:13:19,072 --> 00:13:21,924
I... I-I must have
been sleepwalking, I...
349
00:13:21,962 --> 00:13:24,348
Relax, Alan,
I just want to talk.
350
00:13:24,379 --> 00:13:25,690
What's going on?
351
00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:27,025
It's 3:00 in the morning.
352
00:13:27,038 --> 00:13:28,871
I... I haven't been able
to sleep lately.
353
00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,546
In fact, my
whole life
354
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:31,961
is falling apart.
355
00:13:31,991 --> 00:13:35,211
I'm, like, I'm losing my hair,
I'm gaining weight,
356
00:13:35,235 --> 00:13:37,823
I'm all itchy
and twitchy, I...
357
00:13:37,854 --> 00:13:40,243
I haven't had
a solid stool in a week.
358
00:13:40,525 --> 00:13:43,558
So far, you're describing
my typical Tuesday.
359
00:13:44,078 --> 00:13:46,097
The worst part is...
360
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:48,374
I can't get an erection.
361
00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:49,575
(sighs)
362
00:13:49,613 --> 00:13:51,714
All right, just let me
brush my teeth.
363
00:13:53,478 --> 00:13:55,646
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, uh...
364
00:14:00,353 --> 00:14:01,637
What?
365
00:14:02,147 --> 00:14:03,347
What?
366
00:14:04,439 --> 00:14:06,106
Oh, uh, yeah, you know,
367
00:14:06,142 --> 00:14:07,592
I'm kind of,
I'm kind of half-asleep.
368
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:09,396
Yeah, wow.
369
00:14:09,435 --> 00:14:10,885
Wow, that's a...
that is a problem.
370
00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:12,374
Yeah, yeah.
371
00:14:18,109 --> 00:14:19,922
Has this ever happened
to you before?
372
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,077
Oh, me? No, no.
373
00:14:21,097 --> 00:14:23,347
I, uh, I have
amazing control.
374
00:14:23,383 --> 00:14:25,283
Wait, watch this.
375
00:14:27,914 --> 00:14:29,589
Got an erection.
376
00:14:32,752 --> 00:14:34,511
Now it's gone.
377
00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:38,238
Back.
378
00:14:38,522 --> 00:14:39,683
Gone.
379
00:14:39,822 --> 00:14:40,854
Are you done?
380
00:14:40,872 --> 00:14:42,114
Back.
381
00:14:44,616 --> 00:14:45,857
Gone.
382
00:14:46,777 --> 00:14:49,958
Look, every guy has
this happen at some point.
383
00:14:50,024 --> 00:14:52,897
It's never happened to me before
and it's driving me crazy.
384
00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:55,273
You know, it's possible that the
problem is not in your pants.
385
00:14:55,299 --> 00:14:56,933
Oh, no, no, no, no.
386
00:14:56,978 --> 00:14:59,679
The problem is
definitely in my pants.
387
00:14:59,687 --> 00:15:00,803
No, look at you.
388
00:15:00,821 --> 00:15:02,502
I mean, the stress
of living a lie
389
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,527
is causing you
to just fall apart.
390
00:15:04,559 --> 00:15:05,758
You're binge eating.
391
00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:07,610
No, I am not
binge eating.
392
00:15:07,652 --> 00:15:10,703
You get a free candy bar
when you buy four corn dogs.
393
00:15:11,888 --> 00:15:14,118
That's just
smart shopping.
394
00:15:14,156 --> 00:15:16,409
This all started
when you became Sam Wilson,
395
00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:18,413
and I submit to you
that he's the one
396
00:15:18,434 --> 00:15:21,000
who can't pop his weasel,
not Walden Schmidt.
397
00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:23,053
Why don't you just
tell Kate the truth?
398
00:15:23,086 --> 00:15:25,888
I'm afraid if I'm honest
with her now,
399
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,805
she'll just leave me.
400
00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:30,177
Okay, well, if you want
your boner back,
401
00:15:30,192 --> 00:15:31,935
you're gonna have to, you know,
tell her the truth
402
00:15:31,949 --> 00:15:33,216
and trust that the strength
403
00:15:33,231 --> 00:15:34,931
of your love will carry
you through...
404
00:15:34,951 --> 00:15:35,891
Or?
405
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:38,670
Or you're gonna need
a little help.
406
00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:40,992
All right,
go brush your teeth.
407
00:15:45,232 --> 00:15:46,792
I'm kidding!
408
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,181
(laughs):
Yeah, yeah.
409
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,537
'Cause-'cause that'd be weird.
410
00:15:50,561 --> 00:15:52,210
(laughs)
411
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,299
Look, what I meant was
that I happen
412
00:15:54,319 --> 00:15:56,127
to know a 65-year-old man
413
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,364
who'll give you
a stiffy in no time.
414
00:16:00,223 --> 00:16:02,449
Okay, that also sounded weird.
415
00:16:04,124 --> 00:16:05,727
And it's back.
416
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,268
All right, Walden,
how hard do you want it?
417
00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:14,524
Redwood tree, tungsten steel
or Chinese algebra?
418
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:17,151
I'm not looking
to frighten anybody.
419
00:16:17,183 --> 00:16:18,432
Really?
(chuckles)
420
00:16:18,457 --> 00:16:21,948
I like eyes to widen
when I unsheathe the sword.
421
00:16:22,862 --> 00:16:24,596
Well, tell you what.
422
00:16:24,618 --> 00:16:26,904
Why don't I just put together
a little grab bag for you.
423
00:16:26,936 --> 00:16:28,123
I got one of those.
424
00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:29,958
I call it
"boner roulette."
425
00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:31,405
You never know what
you're gonna get,
426
00:16:31,435 --> 00:16:33,435
but you're a
wiener every time.
427
00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:34,527
(laughs)
428
00:16:34,552 --> 00:16:35,667
I'm gonna
start you off
429
00:16:35,679 --> 00:16:37,062
with a couple of pink ones here.
430
00:16:37,066 --> 00:16:39,300
These are good
for a mid-week quickie.
431
00:16:39,493 --> 00:16:41,109
And these green ones
432
00:16:41,135 --> 00:16:43,369
I recommend for solo work.
433
00:16:44,131 --> 00:16:44,800
Oh!
434
00:16:44,816 --> 00:16:46,573
This one I call "Ouch."
435
00:16:46,584 --> 00:16:47,750
(laughs)
436
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:49,374
That's her, not you.
437
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:50,733
Oh, oh, the
purple ones.
438
00:16:50,747 --> 00:16:52,980
I couldn't remember where
I lived for a week.
439
00:16:53,009 --> 00:16:54,677
Knocked on every door
in the neighborhood,
440
00:16:54,691 --> 00:16:56,224
and not with my hand.
441
00:16:57,223 --> 00:16:58,361
And, Walden,
442
00:16:58,373 --> 00:17:00,235
this last one
I'm throwing in here, um,
443
00:17:00,274 --> 00:17:02,839
just take half of it,
because, technically,
444
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,329
it's "only for horses."
445
00:17:06,402 --> 00:17:09,057
Don't... don't I need
a prescription for these?
446
00:17:09,717 --> 00:17:11,767
What are you, a cop?
447
00:17:11,855 --> 00:17:13,607
Don't worry,
Russell, he's cool.
448
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:15,138
Okay, well,
449
00:17:15,172 --> 00:17:16,509
there you go.
450
00:17:16,528 --> 00:17:18,278
And since you're a friend
of a friend,
451
00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:21,489
I should read you
the possible side effects.
452
00:17:21,885 --> 00:17:24,432
"Headaches, dry mouth,
blurred vision, facial flushing,
453
00:17:24,455 --> 00:17:26,462
"inflamed bursa sac,
vertigo, fits of rage,
454
00:17:26,491 --> 00:17:28,177
"homicidal, patricidal,
matricidal
455
00:17:28,208 --> 00:17:30,258
"and suicidal thoughts,
stroke, anal leakage,
456
00:17:30,294 --> 00:17:32,697
"explosive diarrhea,
nipple discoloration, death,
457
00:17:32,722 --> 00:17:35,251
and difficulty
achieving an erection."
458
00:17:36,468 --> 00:17:37,437
Huh.
459
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,807
That explains my
yellow nipples.
460
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,486
You know what?
461
00:17:42,506 --> 00:17:45,924
Maybe I'll just go with
the basic little blue pill.
462
00:17:46,096 --> 00:17:48,680
Well, suit yourself, Sally.
463
00:17:49,315 --> 00:17:50,581
Here you go.
464
00:17:50,607 --> 00:17:51,990
Don't want these to go to waste.
465
00:17:52,021 --> 00:17:54,054
That little waitress
down at Ruby Tuesday's
466
00:17:54,086 --> 00:17:56,243
is never gonna know
what hit her.
467
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,137
♪ Men. ♪
468
00:18:05,842 --> 00:18:07,114
Sam?
469
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:10,251
What's going on?
470
00:18:10,284 --> 00:18:12,289
Guess who's back.
471
00:18:12,738 --> 00:18:14,227
Well, hello!
472
00:18:14,254 --> 00:18:16,172
I haven't seen you in a while.
473
00:18:16,216 --> 00:18:19,617
(high-pitched voice):
Hey, Kate, I've missed you.
474
00:18:19,844 --> 00:18:21,227
(laughs)
475
00:18:21,262 --> 00:18:22,636
Okay, that's creepy.
476
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:23,999
I'm gonna stop doing that.
477
00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:26,513
Good, because I can't stay
478
00:18:26,532 --> 00:18:28,869
and I wouldn't want you to think
it's because I wasn't enchanted
479
00:18:28,894 --> 00:18:30,639
by your talking penis.
480
00:18:30,707 --> 00:18:31,983
Where you going?
481
00:18:32,001 --> 00:18:34,194
I actually just came back
to grab some designs.
482
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:36,197
Plus, I've got a million things
to do before I leave
483
00:18:36,218 --> 00:18:39,015
for New York tomorrow, but I
promise when I get back tonight,
484
00:18:39,063 --> 00:18:40,562
I will make it up to you.
485
00:18:40,596 --> 00:18:42,123
And you.
486
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:43,482
Bye.
487
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:44,887
We'll be here.
488
00:18:44,902 --> 00:18:46,418
(door closes)
489
00:18:48,204 --> 00:18:49,938
(high-pitched voice):
Hold me.
490
00:18:52,269 --> 00:18:53,836
Shut up.
491
00:18:53,909 --> 00:18:56,960
(high-pitched voice): Come on,
we both know how this ends.
492
00:18:59,136 --> 00:19:01,421
♪ Men. ♪
493
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,563
Are you sure
you don't want me
494
00:19:03,588 --> 00:19:04,997
to give you a ride
to the airport?
495
00:19:05,017 --> 00:19:07,032
No, Alan's
sending a limo.
496
00:19:07,057 --> 00:19:08,985
He's a class act.
497
00:19:09,476 --> 00:19:12,725
Yeah, I just... I just feel
like I should come with you.
498
00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:14,675
Sam, I would love
for you to come,
499
00:19:14,709 --> 00:19:17,259
but I just wouldn't feel right
spending Alan's money
500
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,218
to fly my boyfriend
across the country.
501
00:19:19,238 --> 00:19:22,039
And it's not like
you or I have the money.
502
00:19:22,099 --> 00:19:24,270
What if I told you
I had plenty of money?
503
00:19:24,318 --> 00:19:27,903
I would ask you why you didn't
help me instead of Alan.
504
00:19:28,195 --> 00:19:30,676
That would be a fair question.
505
00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:33,403
Honey, you are so sweet.
506
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:36,852
And hopefully one day,
money won't be an issue for us.
507
00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,186
Hope you're right.
508
00:19:39,256 --> 00:19:41,173
(cell phone chimes)
509
00:19:41,421 --> 00:19:43,521
That's the car.
I got to go.
510
00:19:48,811 --> 00:19:50,399
Um, good luck.
511
00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:52,795
I'll miss you.
512
00:19:52,882 --> 00:19:54,589
I love you, Sam.
513
00:20:01,444 --> 00:20:03,660
My name is Walden Schmidt.
514
00:20:04,698 --> 00:20:06,634
I'm a billionaire.
515
00:20:07,851 --> 00:20:09,904
I love you, too.
516
00:20:10,425 --> 00:20:12,792
(high-pitched voice):
I don't care what your name is.
517
00:20:18,554 --> 00:20:20,421
♪ Men. ♪
518
00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:25,463
♪ Men. ♪
519
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,683
(knock on door)
520
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,276
Hello?
521
00:20:33,507 --> 00:20:34,674
Walden?
522
00:20:34,707 --> 00:20:35,539
WALDEN:
Alan?
523
00:20:35,573 --> 00:20:36,655
What do you want?
524
00:20:36,704 --> 00:20:39,321
I'm just checking up
on you, buddy.
525
00:20:39,354 --> 00:20:41,304
I'm fine! Go away!
526
00:20:41,322 --> 00:20:42,750
Uh, are you sure?
527
00:20:42,798 --> 00:20:44,538
I haven't seen you in a while.
528
00:20:44,588 --> 00:20:46,738
I tell you, I'm fine!
529
00:20:50,855 --> 00:20:52,422
Why is it so dark in here?
530
00:20:52,456 --> 00:20:54,122
Alan, no!
531
00:20:57,689 --> 00:21:00,793
Holy... fat.
532
00:21:02,497 --> 00:21:04,609
Don't judge me.
533
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,760
You didn't, by chance,
bring any nacho cheese, did you?
534
00:21:09,692 --> 00:21:14,692
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth