1 00:00:00,904 --> 00:00:02,553 Previously on, 2 00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:05,508 I am determined to find someone who wants to be with me 3 00:00:05,526 --> 00:00:07,734 for who I am, not what I have. 4 00:00:07,755 --> 00:00:09,405 I need to buy a little bit of everything. 5 00:00:09,422 --> 00:00:10,786 I can help you out with that. 6 00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:12,966 I appreciate it... Kate. 7 00:00:13,026 --> 00:00:14,843 Not a problem... 8 00:00:15,393 --> 00:00:16,535 Sam Wilson. 9 00:00:16,556 --> 00:00:18,297 It's refreshing, 10 00:00:18,325 --> 00:00:20,304 talking to someone like you for a change. 11 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,526 Someone like me? 12 00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:23,726 Yeah, someone who's not constantly trying 13 00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:25,437 to impress me with how much stuff he's got. 14 00:00:25,444 --> 00:00:27,606 Kate, this is my friend Alan. 15 00:00:27,616 --> 00:00:29,492 Thanks so much for picking us up. 16 00:00:29,505 --> 00:00:31,055 Yeah, this clown rents a room from me, 17 00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,605 suddenly I'm running a taxi service. 18 00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:33,923 You should move out. 19 00:00:33,932 --> 00:00:35,079 Can't afford to. 20 00:00:35,083 --> 00:00:36,751 Maybe you could crash here. 21 00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:37,866 Have you really thought this through? 22 00:00:37,873 --> 00:00:39,707 I've got to see where this goes with Kate. 23 00:00:39,722 --> 00:00:41,698 - Promise me one thing. - What's that? 24 00:00:41,717 --> 00:00:44,043 That we're always honest with each other. 25 00:00:44,076 --> 00:00:45,876 You got it. 26 00:00:47,712 --> 00:00:49,350 Anyways, I hope that it's okay 27 00:00:49,359 --> 00:00:50,703 that I have people over on Christmas. 28 00:00:50,715 --> 00:00:52,727 It's just Jake and Lyndsey and my mom. 29 00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:53,988 Of course. It's the holidays. 30 00:00:53,997 --> 00:00:55,470 It's the time to be with the ones you love. 31 00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:57,685 Right. Uh, and my mom. 32 00:00:58,405 --> 00:01:01,965 So, uh, so listen, Sam Wilson, how are things in Poorville? 33 00:01:01,982 --> 00:01:03,749 Are you Les Misérables? 34 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,668 Actually, it's a hoot. 35 00:01:05,702 --> 00:01:07,451 (chuckles) 36 00:01:07,472 --> 00:01:09,013 You know, last night 37 00:01:09,029 --> 00:01:11,552 Kate and I went shopping at the 99 Cent Store. 38 00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:13,237 That place is amazing. 39 00:01:13,257 --> 00:01:15,860 Did you know that everything there is 99 cents? 40 00:01:15,884 --> 00:01:19,046 Know it? I registered there for my wedding. 41 00:01:19,077 --> 00:01:21,431 Two cans of peaches, 99 cents. 42 00:01:21,442 --> 00:01:23,877 Four-pack of yogurt, 99 cents. 43 00:01:24,054 --> 00:01:25,824 This owl-shaped mug? 44 00:01:25,843 --> 00:01:27,619 99 cents. 45 00:01:27,708 --> 00:01:29,418 Guess how much the wine inside was? 46 00:01:29,432 --> 00:01:32,213 Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and say 99 cents? 47 00:01:32,237 --> 00:01:34,237 79 cents. 48 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:36,668 (chuckles): Dented box. 49 00:01:36,706 --> 00:01:38,973 From now on, I'm buying everything from that place. 50 00:01:38,984 --> 00:01:39,993 Uh, not condoms. 51 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,396 I think that's how I ended up with Jake. 52 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:43,832 Hey. 53 00:01:43,857 --> 00:01:45,054 Hey, baby. 54 00:01:45,074 --> 00:01:46,240 Uh, I gotta go. 55 00:01:46,245 --> 00:01:47,578 Oh, hey, Katie. 56 00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:48,883 Alan. 57 00:01:48,918 --> 00:01:49,898 How are you? 58 00:01:49,913 --> 00:01:51,271 I'm fine-- just, uh... 59 00:01:51,284 --> 00:01:54,419 sipping some wine I got at the 999 Dollar Store. 60 00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:57,447 Bye, Alan. 61 00:01:57,542 --> 00:01:58,947 Douche. 62 00:01:59,168 --> 00:02:00,724 Don't worry about him. 63 00:02:00,857 --> 00:02:02,313 How was your day? 64 00:02:02,326 --> 00:02:04,073 It's Christmas, Sam. 65 00:02:04,105 --> 00:02:06,670 Happy people wishing you "Peace on Earth." 66 00:02:06,692 --> 00:02:08,499 It was horrible. 67 00:02:08,526 --> 00:02:10,472 Okay, somebody's got a case of the Grinches. 68 00:02:10,489 --> 00:02:12,954 No, it's a case of nine-hour shifts 69 00:02:12,975 --> 00:02:16,595 listening to Celine Dion murder "O Holy Night." 70 00:02:16,610 --> 00:02:18,197 If I ever meet that skinny bitch, 71 00:02:18,211 --> 00:02:21,513 I'm going to beat the "O Holy" crap out of her. 72 00:02:21,529 --> 00:02:23,555 And that's what Christmas is all about. 73 00:02:23,566 --> 00:02:24,649 (laughs) 74 00:02:24,914 --> 00:02:26,320 I'm sorry. 75 00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:27,770 Tell me about your day. 76 00:02:27,791 --> 00:02:30,458 After you left, I made some breakfast... 77 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:32,397 Oh, I got the mail. 78 00:02:32,425 --> 00:02:35,142 And then I did some work on that app I've been developing, 79 00:02:35,173 --> 00:02:38,625 and then I did some serious research on World War II. 80 00:02:38,642 --> 00:02:39,635 Really? 81 00:02:39,655 --> 00:02:41,977 Well, I fell asleep watching the History Channel. 82 00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:43,861 Sweetie, can I be honest with you? 83 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,153 Yeah. What's up? 84 00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:47,947 I am working my ass off. 85 00:02:48,141 --> 00:02:51,022 It would be really, really nice if you could, 86 00:02:51,356 --> 00:02:53,940 I don't know, pitch in a little. 87 00:02:54,798 --> 00:02:57,553 You heard the part about me getting the mail, right? 88 00:02:57,584 --> 00:02:58,629 (chuckles) 89 00:02:58,652 --> 00:03:01,354 You do understand that what came in the mail is a pile of bills? 90 00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:01,912 Okay... 91 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:03,487 I mean, I think it is great 92 00:03:03,494 --> 00:03:05,587 that you're working on your computer stuff, 93 00:03:05,616 --> 00:03:07,282 but we need help now. 94 00:03:07,330 --> 00:03:09,313 I get it. Say no more. 95 00:03:09,575 --> 00:03:12,101 I'll start looking for a job. 96 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,224 Thank you. 97 00:03:13,386 --> 00:03:14,634 And don't worry, it's not like 98 00:03:14,646 --> 00:03:15,941 I expect you to make a million dollars or anything. 99 00:03:15,952 --> 00:03:17,705 Oh, thank God! 100 00:03:18,471 --> 00:03:19,971 (cell phone chiming) 101 00:03:20,677 --> 00:03:23,008 Go ahead. I'm going to go run a bath. 102 00:03:23,025 --> 00:03:25,457 I reek of comfort and joy. 103 00:03:27,714 --> 00:03:29,250 Hey, Billy. What's up? 104 00:03:29,271 --> 00:03:31,378 Nothing much-- just running our company 105 00:03:31,394 --> 00:03:33,599 while you take some personal time. 106 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,848 Why don't you just man up and admit you're in rehab? 107 00:03:35,865 --> 00:03:37,320 I am not in rehab. 108 00:03:37,326 --> 00:03:39,877 I told you. I'm on a spiritual journey. 109 00:03:39,895 --> 00:03:41,545 Spiritual journey. Yeah, you know what? 110 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:45,044 I've been on four of those. I still wake up craving meth. 111 00:03:45,446 --> 00:03:47,772 I call it "Eat, Pray, Love, 112 00:03:47,791 --> 00:03:50,717 Have Angry Sex with an Asian Hooker." 113 00:03:50,745 --> 00:03:51,922 What do you want, Billy? 114 00:03:51,937 --> 00:03:53,166 Well, I'm just keeping you in the loop 115 00:03:53,184 --> 00:03:54,483 about what's going on around here. 116 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,229 We got new computers in the bullpen. 117 00:03:56,248 --> 00:03:57,899 We got a staple-less stapler. 118 00:03:57,912 --> 00:03:59,340 Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy 119 00:03:59,349 --> 00:04:01,266 a controlling interest in the company for 800 million, 120 00:04:01,285 --> 00:04:04,655 and the redhead in marketing is not wearing bras. 121 00:04:05,586 --> 00:04:07,151 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 122 00:04:07,590 --> 00:04:10,164 There's a staple-less stapler? 123 00:04:10,186 --> 00:04:12,240 I think we should take his offer. 124 00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:14,999 Billy, we built the Electric Suitcase from the ground up. 125 00:04:15,015 --> 00:04:17,089 I mean, besides, we've been here before. 126 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,036 You hated the fact that I sold our last company 127 00:04:19,055 --> 00:04:20,806 and I've come to realize that you were right. 128 00:04:20,822 --> 00:04:23,441 I hated Tarnell, the gangsta who sold me crack, 129 00:04:23,478 --> 00:04:25,728 but I was still happy to work with him. 130 00:04:25,796 --> 00:04:27,571 I mean, look, this is a good offer. 131 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,112 We should take it. 132 00:04:29,131 --> 00:04:30,024 Okay. 133 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:33,224 Tell him 1.2 billion, but we keep control. 134 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,531 Where do you think we're going to get a better offer? 135 00:04:35,553 --> 00:04:37,622 Bath's ready. Want to join me? 136 00:04:37,636 --> 00:04:40,200 I just got a better offer. Good-bye. 137 00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:44,659 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 138 00:04:44,686 --> 00:04:46,467 ♪ Ah... ♪ Men. 139 00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:48,440 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x11 ♪ Give Santa a Tail-Hole Original Air Date on December 13, 2012 140 00:04:48,463 --> 00:04:50,583 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth 141 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,285 ♪ Mele kalikimaka is the thing to say ♪ 142 00:04:54,613 --> 00:04:58,092 ♪ On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day ♪ 143 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:02,384 ♪ That's the island greeting that we send to you ♪ 144 00:05:02,452 --> 00:05:06,805 ♪ From a land where palm trees sway ♪ 145 00:05:06,991 --> 00:05:09,254 ♪ Here we know... ♪ Here we know that Christmas ♪ 146 00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,587 ♪ Will be green and bright! ♪ 147 00:05:11,607 --> 00:05:13,011 Geez! You scared me. 148 00:05:13,031 --> 00:05:14,864 I nearly dropped the champagne. 149 00:05:14,888 --> 00:05:17,055 Where did you get money to buy champagne? 150 00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:18,750 You left some for me. 151 00:05:18,758 --> 00:05:20,538 For emergencies. 152 00:05:20,551 --> 00:05:23,105 Yeah. We were out of champagne. 153 00:05:24,136 --> 00:05:25,803 So, what are you doing here? 154 00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,930 What am I doing here in my house? 155 00:05:27,939 --> 00:05:29,506 Uh, uh, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. 156 00:05:29,517 --> 00:05:31,903 Uh, uh, great to see you. What brings you by? 157 00:05:31,924 --> 00:05:33,691 I'm doing laundry for Kate and me. 158 00:05:33,698 --> 00:05:35,047 Really? You did laundry. 159 00:05:35,059 --> 00:05:37,194 No, I did laundry. 160 00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:38,963 Thank you. 161 00:05:38,965 --> 00:05:41,081 So, you're, like, some sort of kept man, huh? 162 00:05:41,098 --> 00:05:42,988 Well, I'm supposed to be out job hunting, 163 00:05:43,003 --> 00:05:43,882 but it's kind of hard 164 00:05:43,893 --> 00:05:45,960 since Sam Wilson doesn't actually exist. 165 00:05:45,986 --> 00:05:47,697 I can help you there. 166 00:05:47,718 --> 00:05:50,484 Five grand will get you a clean Social Security card 167 00:05:50,507 --> 00:05:52,885 and a new set of fingerprints. 168 00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:55,209 Six will get you the fingers. 169 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,537 The fingers? 170 00:05:56,559 --> 00:05:58,346 Better to have and not need 171 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,535 than to need and not have. 172 00:06:03,409 --> 00:06:06,240 Hey, uh, why don't you just go to an ATM, 173 00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:09,182 pull out a few thousand dollars and tell her you got a job? 174 00:06:09,204 --> 00:06:10,682 But that would be lying. 175 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:14,552 Oh, no, you wouldn't want to lie to her, Sam Wilson. 176 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,562 Let me explain something to you, Alan. 177 00:06:16,573 --> 00:06:18,636 Walden Schmidt lies. 178 00:06:18,649 --> 00:06:20,933 Sam Wilson tells the truth. 179 00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,552 Besides, I like Sam Wilson's life. 180 00:06:23,578 --> 00:06:26,824 It feels more like... I don't know, real life. 181 00:06:26,846 --> 00:06:28,335 Yeah, I get that. 182 00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:30,188 I mean, that's why I like to sleep in your bed. 183 00:06:30,194 --> 00:06:32,449 Feels more like a real bed. 184 00:06:32,915 --> 00:06:34,260 Oh, and get this. 185 00:06:34,267 --> 00:06:35,779 I got a call from Billy today. 186 00:06:35,819 --> 00:06:39,871 We got an offer to buy our company for $800 million. 187 00:06:43,025 --> 00:06:44,559 Excuse me a sec. 188 00:06:58,276 --> 00:07:00,461 $800 million?! 189 00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:03,584 Yeah, We turned it down. 190 00:07:03,598 --> 00:07:05,326 You turned it down. 191 00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:19,665 Check it out. 192 00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,090 Oh, Sam! 193 00:07:22,101 --> 00:07:24,087 I hope you stole that. 194 00:07:24,282 --> 00:07:26,105 Ah, it wasn't that expensive. 195 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,250 We barely made rent this month. 196 00:07:28,277 --> 00:07:30,429 I know, but it's Christmas. 197 00:07:30,447 --> 00:07:32,391 (chuckles): You don't have to tell me. 198 00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:33,557 I'm earning extra money 199 00:07:33,569 --> 00:07:36,737 by making a Santa outfit for my boss' Labradoodle. 200 00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:37,955 Aw, that's cute. 201 00:07:37,970 --> 00:07:39,295 Yeah, then I'm going to make 202 00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:41,811 three wise men costumes for her cats. 203 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,996 And just like that, cute becomes creepy. 204 00:07:45,546 --> 00:07:47,182 Okay, I'm going to go change. 205 00:07:47,193 --> 00:07:48,521 I've got a lead on a job. 206 00:07:48,528 --> 00:07:49,510 - Really? - Yeah. 207 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,782 If that doesn't work, I'm going to rob a bank. 208 00:07:51,813 --> 00:07:54,936 I hope the 99 Cent Store sells ski masks. 209 00:07:56,906 --> 00:07:59,708 - Oh, man. - What? 210 00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:02,324 I forgot to give Santa a tail-hole. 211 00:08:02,606 --> 00:08:05,237 Worst Christmas carol ever. 212 00:08:08,417 --> 00:08:10,543 (computer chiming) 213 00:08:11,855 --> 00:08:13,822 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, buddy. 214 00:08:13,838 --> 00:08:15,121 You excited about Christmas? 215 00:08:15,137 --> 00:08:17,374 Yeah, that's actually why I was calling. 216 00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:19,378 I'm not going to be able to make it home this year. 217 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,910 What? Why? 218 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,162 My girlfriend Tammy Sue 219 00:08:22,176 --> 00:08:24,510 asked me to spend Christmas with her and her three kids. 220 00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:25,797 I'm pretending to be Santa 221 00:08:25,804 --> 00:08:27,905 and also their various fathers. 222 00:08:28,293 --> 00:08:29,992 Oh, kill me. 223 00:08:30,191 --> 00:08:31,947 H-H-How did you meet this woman? 224 00:08:31,961 --> 00:08:34,606 I play softball with her parole officer. 225 00:08:34,746 --> 00:08:37,517 Oh, dig me up and kill me again. 226 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,469 All right, well, I hope I see you soon. 227 00:08:41,485 --> 00:08:42,976 Don't worry-- we'll all come visit 228 00:08:42,991 --> 00:08:45,408 as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off. 229 00:08:45,754 --> 00:08:48,146 That will be a magical day. 230 00:08:48,468 --> 00:08:49,326 Yeah. 231 00:08:49,341 --> 00:08:51,571 Well, all right-- Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye. 232 00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:53,618 Merry Christmas, Jake. 233 00:08:54,281 --> 00:08:56,181 (sighs) 234 00:08:56,249 --> 00:08:59,358 Time now for the magic of bourbon. 235 00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,399 Hi. 236 00:09:02,726 --> 00:09:05,030 I was here earlier. I bought a tree. 237 00:09:05,037 --> 00:09:07,954 Uh, I was hoping I could talk to you about something else. 238 00:09:07,971 --> 00:09:09,959 If somebody told you I'm selling pot here, 239 00:09:09,978 --> 00:09:12,270 that is just crazy talk. 240 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:13,834 Uh, no. 241 00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:16,328 I saw the "help wanted" sign. I was hoping to get a job. 242 00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:18,553 Oh. Have a seat. 243 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,959 You got any, uh, Christmas tree experience? 244 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:22,977 (chuckles) 245 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,523 I-I've decorated a bunch. 246 00:09:25,554 --> 00:09:26,603 (laughs) 247 00:09:26,906 --> 00:09:28,656 Experience, none. 248 00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:31,297 It's... Wait, it's selling Christmas trees. 249 00:09:31,318 --> 00:09:32,847 Pop quiz, hot shot. 250 00:09:32,862 --> 00:09:34,694 A mom walks in; she's driving a Lexus. 251 00:09:34,717 --> 00:09:36,455 She's got a big living room, cathedral ceiling. 252 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:37,389 What are you pushing? 253 00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,411 Balsam? Noble? Doug fir? 254 00:09:39,427 --> 00:09:40,517 Uh... (makes buzzer noise) 255 00:09:40,529 --> 00:09:42,933 You're out of time. She's across the street 256 00:09:42,945 --> 00:09:44,369 buying a 20-footer... 257 00:09:44,387 --> 00:09:46,099 from the Armenian. 258 00:09:48,282 --> 00:09:50,385 Are you comfortable with celebrities? 259 00:09:50,575 --> 00:09:51,685 What do you mean? 260 00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,012 We get a lot of big names. 261 00:09:53,024 --> 00:09:55,247 Mario Lopez buys his tree here every year. 262 00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,657 I don't want you getting all jelly-legged. 263 00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:58,847 All right, look. 264 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,337 I'm young, I'm strong, and I need the money. 265 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,674 I'll work really hard and I won't let you down. 266 00:10:03,715 --> 00:10:06,104 I'll give you seven bucks an hour, plus tips. 267 00:10:06,126 --> 00:10:07,928 Minimum wage is eight. 268 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,834 Look at my shoes. 269 00:10:10,862 --> 00:10:12,180 What about them? 270 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,521 Where are they? 271 00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:16,634 Under the table... Oh! 272 00:10:18,088 --> 00:10:19,304 I'm in. 273 00:10:19,321 --> 00:10:20,853 When can you start? 274 00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:21,916 Right now. 275 00:10:21,928 --> 00:10:24,201 A man with no life. I like it. 276 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,334 I'll go get you some gloves. 277 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:27,803 (cell phone chiming) 278 00:10:28,255 --> 00:10:31,049 By the way, your cell phone's like your penis. 279 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,863 When you're at work, you keep it in your pants. 280 00:10:37,301 --> 00:10:39,920 Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy. 281 00:10:40,099 --> 00:10:42,527 I'm not in rehab. 282 00:10:43,235 --> 00:10:45,941 Relax, Zuckerberg is not going to walk. 283 00:10:45,957 --> 00:10:48,811 Just sit tight and we'll get the number we want. 284 00:10:48,963 --> 00:10:51,248 I got to go. Bye. 285 00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:52,944 All right, here you go. 286 00:10:52,955 --> 00:10:54,679 Oh, and, uh, by the way. 287 00:10:54,701 --> 00:10:57,279 If somebody comes looking for a Jamaican Christmas tree, 288 00:10:57,298 --> 00:10:59,308 you send them to me. 289 00:11:00,128 --> 00:11:01,944 Yah, mon. 290 00:11:02,006 --> 00:11:03,689 ♪ Men. 291 00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:07,670 ♪ Men. ♪ 292 00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:12,015 (door opening) 293 00:11:13,061 --> 00:11:14,628 I got a job. 294 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:15,864 As what? 295 00:11:15,882 --> 00:11:18,449 Prancer, the reindeer stripper? 296 00:11:18,954 --> 00:11:21,102 Nope. Selling Christmas trees. 297 00:11:21,111 --> 00:11:23,295 - You're kidding. - Yeah. 298 00:11:23,310 --> 00:11:25,683 Already sold nine trees. 299 00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:27,194 - Nice. - Yeah, it's the first night, 300 00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:28,184 and I'm getting the stinkeye 301 00:11:28,199 --> 00:11:29,302 from the other salesman, Jose. 302 00:11:29,318 --> 00:11:32,198 He only sold six, but the guy crushes it with wreathes. 303 00:11:32,322 --> 00:11:33,327 Check it out. 304 00:11:33,346 --> 00:11:35,632 Made enough on tips to get us Chinese food. 305 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,094 Aw, you really know how 306 00:11:37,105 --> 00:11:38,788 to take care of your lady, Rudolph. 307 00:11:38,795 --> 00:11:41,890 Oh, no, no, no, I don't get the nose until I sell 50 trees. 308 00:11:41,941 --> 00:11:45,158 Shall we open a fresh box of wine? 309 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:45,885 No. 310 00:11:45,894 --> 00:11:46,809 No, no, no, no! 311 00:11:46,815 --> 00:11:48,647 Oh, switching to soda. 312 00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:51,825 My sewing machine-- it just died on me. 313 00:11:51,851 --> 00:11:53,045 Okay, no problem. 314 00:11:53,064 --> 00:11:54,520 Sewing machines can be fixed. 315 00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:56,054 No, it's gonna cost more to fix it 316 00:11:56,061 --> 00:11:57,548 than I'll make on this job. 317 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,226 Okay, it's not a problem. 318 00:11:59,243 --> 00:12:00,623 Look at the bright side, 319 00:12:00,645 --> 00:12:03,450 somewhere in the world, there's a Labradoodle and three cats 320 00:12:03,481 --> 00:12:05,585 that get to keep their dignity. 321 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,661 I wish that made me feel better. 322 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,082 I got something that will make you feel better. 323 00:12:11,123 --> 00:12:12,897 Let's dance. What? 324 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,279 There's no music. 325 00:12:14,308 --> 00:12:15,792 I'll sing. 326 00:12:15,826 --> 00:12:19,077 ♪ Oh, holy night 327 00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:24,231 ♪ The stars were brightly shining... ♪ 328 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:25,775 (giggles) 329 00:12:25,831 --> 00:12:27,498 I love you, Sam. 330 00:12:27,516 --> 00:12:29,283 I hate that song, 331 00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:30,914 but I love you. 332 00:12:31,105 --> 00:12:32,700 I love you. 333 00:12:34,702 --> 00:12:36,090 Did we just... 334 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,138 Yep, I think we did. 335 00:12:38,264 --> 00:12:39,501 (giggles) 336 00:12:41,808 --> 00:12:45,106 I got something else that will make you feel better. 337 00:12:45,395 --> 00:12:47,582 Let's get naked... (squeals) 338 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,820 ...and play some reindeer games. 339 00:12:51,274 --> 00:12:53,976 Are you gonna leave those antlers on? 340 00:12:54,002 --> 00:12:55,407 Oh, yeah. 341 00:12:56,285 --> 00:12:58,069 ♪ Men. ♪ 342 00:12:58,124 --> 00:12:59,177 Okay, drive slow. 343 00:12:59,187 --> 00:13:01,304 Stick to the side streets. 344 00:13:05,963 --> 00:13:08,129 Well, you are a natural, kid. 345 00:13:08,142 --> 00:13:10,193 You remind me of a young me. 346 00:13:10,302 --> 00:13:12,584 Except you're a little taller and better-looking. 347 00:13:12,606 --> 00:13:14,604 Probably straight. 348 00:13:16,218 --> 00:13:18,264 Where-where we going with this? 349 00:13:18,293 --> 00:13:19,910 Apparently nowhere. 350 00:13:19,928 --> 00:13:20,466 All right. 351 00:13:20,477 --> 00:13:21,549 Christmas on three. 352 00:13:21,561 --> 00:13:24,087 - One, two, three, Christmas. - Christmas. 353 00:13:26,941 --> 00:13:28,778 I did not see that coming. 354 00:13:28,831 --> 00:13:30,114 BILLY: Walden. 355 00:13:30,195 --> 00:13:31,387 Oh, hey. 356 00:13:31,402 --> 00:13:33,169 Or should I say "Sam"? 357 00:13:33,186 --> 00:13:35,209 Billy, how'd you find me? 358 00:13:35,226 --> 00:13:36,111 Oh, it's easy. 359 00:13:36,121 --> 00:13:37,571 You told Alan you were working here. 360 00:13:37,573 --> 00:13:39,055 You swore him to secrecy. 361 00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:41,340 I gave him 100 bucks. Bam, here I am. 362 00:13:41,361 --> 00:13:42,376 You want to buy a tree? 363 00:13:42,391 --> 00:13:43,122 No, no. 364 00:13:43,134 --> 00:13:44,781 I want to sell our company 365 00:13:44,795 --> 00:13:45,796 to Mark Zuckerberg. 366 00:13:45,798 --> 00:13:49,917 He has upped his offer to $950 million. 367 00:13:49,948 --> 00:13:52,319 Wow, that's a lot of money. 368 00:13:52,358 --> 00:13:53,426 You know... 369 00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,025 I could probably get you into this eight-foot cypress 370 00:13:56,041 --> 00:13:58,730 from Oregon for 50 bucks off the sticker price. 371 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,011 $950 million. 372 00:14:01,025 --> 00:14:02,725 We can buy Oregon. 373 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:04,522 Look at how uptight you are. 374 00:14:04,535 --> 00:14:06,914 I mean, you should get a job here with me selling trees. 375 00:14:06,932 --> 00:14:08,235 It's stress-free. 376 00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:09,490 Everybody leaves here happy-- 377 00:14:09,501 --> 00:14:12,337 some people really happy with a case of the munchies. 378 00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:15,209 Walden, let me just call Zuckerberg 379 00:14:15,215 --> 00:14:16,564 and close the deal. 380 00:14:16,579 --> 00:14:18,842 You can close the deal at 1.2 381 00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:20,161 for 49% of the company. 382 00:14:20,173 --> 00:14:21,473 I'm not giving up control. 383 00:14:21,483 --> 00:14:22,532 You're crazy, all right? 384 00:14:22,546 --> 00:14:24,487 You are bat-crap freaking crazy. 385 00:14:24,503 --> 00:14:27,921 I've never been so sane in my entire life. 386 00:14:28,658 --> 00:14:29,467 Now, 387 00:14:29,476 --> 00:14:30,973 if you'll excuse me, 388 00:14:30,981 --> 00:14:34,180 I've got a red, blinking nose to live up to. 389 00:14:39,819 --> 00:14:41,503 (computer chirps) 390 00:14:41,653 --> 00:14:43,770 Well, there's my Mrs. Claus. 391 00:14:43,789 --> 00:14:44,764 Hey, Alan. 392 00:14:44,774 --> 00:14:46,056 Good news: my mother bailed. 393 00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:47,998 She's having something rejuvenated. Don't ask what. 394 00:14:48,022 --> 00:14:50,763 I did and haven't been able to eat or sleep since. 395 00:14:51,577 --> 00:14:54,496 Jake is with his girlfriend and her 17 kids, 396 00:14:54,516 --> 00:14:58,101 so it's just you and me, kiddo. 397 00:14:58,269 --> 00:14:59,732 I have some bad news. 398 00:14:59,737 --> 00:15:01,293 I'm not gonna be here for Christmas. 399 00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:02,051 What? 400 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:03,248 I have to go to Cleveland. 401 00:15:03,262 --> 00:15:05,212 My grandma fell down and broke her hip. 402 00:15:05,224 --> 00:15:07,762 Big deal. Old people do that all the time. 403 00:15:08,371 --> 00:15:09,997 It's like a cold with them. 404 00:15:09,999 --> 00:15:12,313 Can't your grandfather take care of her? 405 00:15:12,332 --> 00:15:15,349 He's dead. Man, I can't catch a break. 406 00:15:15,888 --> 00:15:17,628 We can celebrate when I get back. 407 00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:20,665 Sure, nothing says Christmas like January 3rd. 408 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,094 I'm sorry, Alan. 409 00:15:22,107 --> 00:15:23,623 I don't have a choice. 410 00:15:23,642 --> 00:15:24,791 I know. 411 00:15:24,870 --> 00:15:26,236 It's okay. 412 00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:27,886 Well, I love you. 413 00:15:27,902 --> 00:15:29,067 I love you, too. 414 00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,250 Merry Christmas. 415 00:15:30,276 --> 00:15:31,760 Merry Christmas. 416 00:15:32,993 --> 00:15:35,108 Sometimes she can be so selfish. 417 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:36,930 BERTA: All right. 418 00:15:36,942 --> 00:15:38,526 I'm out of here. 419 00:15:38,549 --> 00:15:40,027 (exaggerated sighing) 420 00:15:42,711 --> 00:15:44,465 (sighing) 421 00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:48,488 I'm gonna hate myself for asking. 422 00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:49,751 What's wrong? 423 00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:51,546 Well, all my Christmas plans have fallen apart. 424 00:15:51,558 --> 00:15:53,307 I-I'm gonna be all alone. 425 00:15:53,332 --> 00:15:55,061 Yeah, that's rough. 426 00:15:55,196 --> 00:15:57,418 Happy holidays, Zip. 427 00:16:09,622 --> 00:16:11,823 (line ringing) 428 00:16:13,330 --> 00:16:16,767 MAN: Hello, thank you for calling the suicide hotline. 429 00:16:18,241 --> 00:16:20,279 All our counselors are busy, 430 00:16:20,310 --> 00:16:22,636 but your call is very important to us. 431 00:16:22,714 --> 00:16:24,236 Please hold. 432 00:16:24,273 --> 00:16:26,490 ("Jingle Bells" playing) 433 00:16:36,489 --> 00:16:37,540 Sam? 434 00:16:38,270 --> 00:16:39,747 Sorry, babe. 435 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,349 I didn't mean to wake you up. 436 00:16:41,356 --> 00:16:42,451 How was work? 437 00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:44,242 My body aches. 438 00:16:44,365 --> 00:16:46,223 My hands are blistered. 439 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,179 I can hardly feel my feet. 440 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,887 It was awesome. 441 00:16:51,997 --> 00:16:54,666 I wish I felt that way about my job. 442 00:16:54,937 --> 00:16:58,067 Yeah, but your job's just a way to get by 443 00:16:58,097 --> 00:17:00,392 until you get your big break as a designer. 444 00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:03,399 I've been getting by for three years now. 445 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,478 What if it never happens? 446 00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,040 I mean, for God's sakes, 447 00:17:08,051 --> 00:17:10,957 I don't even have a sewing machine that works. 448 00:17:10,981 --> 00:17:12,814 You got a boyfriend that does. 449 00:17:12,826 --> 00:17:13,975 (giggles) 450 00:17:14,018 --> 00:17:15,753 Did you sell more wreaths than Jose? 451 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,536 (scoffs) No. 452 00:17:17,789 --> 00:17:20,691 That guy is a wreath-selling machine. 453 00:17:21,263 --> 00:17:23,910 He sold one to a guy without a door. 454 00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:27,730 Aw. 455 00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,849 Is that mistletoe? 456 00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:31,637 It's supposed to be. 457 00:17:31,741 --> 00:17:33,802 It's actually broccoli. 458 00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:37,264 I thought it would be romantic. 459 00:17:37,706 --> 00:17:39,106 It is. 460 00:17:40,538 --> 00:17:41,434 You want to... 461 00:17:41,443 --> 00:17:42,459 Oh, no, hell, no. 462 00:17:42,476 --> 00:17:44,306 Thank God. 463 00:17:46,425 --> 00:17:49,877 (slurring): ♪ I have no gift to bring 464 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:52,770 ♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum. 465 00:18:00,529 --> 00:18:03,414 ♪ I have no friends or life 466 00:18:03,463 --> 00:18:05,246 ♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum 467 00:18:05,287 --> 00:18:06,650 ♪ Rum-pum-pum-pum. 468 00:18:06,665 --> 00:18:07,742 BERTA: Look at you. 469 00:18:07,764 --> 00:18:10,598 Drunk as your brother and none of the charm. 470 00:18:11,196 --> 00:18:12,088 Berta? 471 00:18:12,107 --> 00:18:14,476 I got chicken and beer. 472 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,985 You came back for me. 473 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,640 Oh, all right, calm down. 474 00:18:19,659 --> 00:18:21,153 You love me, don't you? 475 00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,333 I pity you. 476 00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:24,047 Close enough. 477 00:18:28,018 --> 00:18:29,685 You got good taste. 478 00:18:29,715 --> 00:18:31,799 I took home a tree just like this last week. 479 00:18:31,822 --> 00:18:33,756 I don't know, 90 bucks is a little bit more 480 00:18:33,770 --> 00:18:34,877 than I want to spend. 481 00:18:34,889 --> 00:18:36,118 What do you think, sweetheart? 482 00:18:36,144 --> 00:18:37,152 You like Doug? 483 00:18:37,162 --> 00:18:38,795 His name is Doug? 484 00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:42,016 His name is Douglas, but his friends call him Doug. 485 00:18:42,128 --> 00:18:43,745 You know what I like about him? 486 00:18:43,749 --> 00:18:45,615 He's tree-mendous. 487 00:18:45,641 --> 00:18:46,785 (laughs) 488 00:18:46,807 --> 00:18:48,954 Daddy, I want Doug. 489 00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:50,413 Oh, you don't want to disappoint 490 00:18:50,449 --> 00:18:52,503 your daughter here on Christmas Eve. 491 00:18:53,530 --> 00:18:54,488 BILLY: Excuse me, 492 00:18:54,507 --> 00:18:56,288 Mr. Tree Salesman. 493 00:18:56,311 --> 00:18:57,182 What do you want? 494 00:18:57,185 --> 00:18:58,234 I'm trying to close a deal here. 495 00:18:58,251 --> 00:18:59,036 So am I. 496 00:18:59,046 --> 00:19:01,746 I have Mark freaking Zuckerberg on the phone. 497 00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:04,000 - Is he at 1.2? - He's at a billion. 498 00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:06,231 All right now, Walden, think about that number. 499 00:19:06,251 --> 00:19:08,093 You know how when you say someone's one in a million? 500 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,787 You could have a thousand of them, 501 00:19:09,806 --> 00:19:11,827 but we have to give him an answer. 502 00:19:11,941 --> 00:19:15,427 Okay, you tell him 1.2 for 49% of the company, 503 00:19:15,457 --> 00:19:16,840 and I'll throw in a wreath. 504 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,609 Suck it, Jose. 505 00:19:19,473 --> 00:19:20,610 What do you think? 506 00:19:20,623 --> 00:19:22,051 I'll give you 30 bucks. 507 00:19:22,069 --> 00:19:23,664 - 70. - 40. 508 00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:27,144 1.1. Don't make me bitch-slap you in front of this child. 509 00:19:27,603 --> 00:19:29,055 1.2. 510 00:19:29,098 --> 00:19:31,515 65, and I'll flock it for you myself. 511 00:19:31,616 --> 00:19:34,150 - 50. - 60, and I'll throw in a stand. 512 00:19:34,183 --> 00:19:35,942 It's Christmas Eve. You're not gonna move this tree. 513 00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:37,499 1.15. You say yes 514 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,636 or I will shove that nose up your Blitzen. 515 00:19:39,672 --> 00:19:41,672 1.2. 516 00:19:41,697 --> 00:19:43,133 It's Christmas Eve, 517 00:19:43,163 --> 00:19:45,529 and Santa needs a tree to put the presents under. 518 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,061 - 55, final offer. - 1.2! 519 00:19:48,084 --> 00:19:49,417 Sold, sold. 520 00:19:49,435 --> 00:19:51,018 Yay! 521 00:19:51,043 --> 00:19:52,057 (grunts) 522 00:19:52,092 --> 00:19:55,573 Oh, you did it, you magnificent bastard. 523 00:19:57,293 --> 00:19:59,695 Really? Him, not me? 524 00:20:03,476 --> 00:20:05,171 ♪ Men. ♪ 525 00:20:05,226 --> 00:20:07,031 Who is this for? 526 00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,111 "To Kate, from Santa." 527 00:20:10,149 --> 00:20:14,001 I have a horrible feeling this breaks our $20 rule. 528 00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:15,939 Open it. 529 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,748 Okay. 530 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:24,030 Oh, my God, Sam. 531 00:20:24,076 --> 00:20:26,350 A sewing machine? 532 00:20:26,385 --> 00:20:28,235 How can you afford this? 533 00:20:28,277 --> 00:20:30,327 Let's just say I had a very good day 534 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,143 at the Christmas tree lot. 535 00:20:32,175 --> 00:20:33,555 (giggles) 536 00:20:33,586 --> 00:20:35,035 You like it? 537 00:20:35,118 --> 00:20:36,517 I love it. 538 00:20:39,462 --> 00:20:41,980 I feel kind of stupid about the scarf now. 539 00:20:41,996 --> 00:20:43,278 Are you kidding me? 540 00:20:43,303 --> 00:20:44,988 This... You made this yourself. 541 00:20:45,061 --> 00:20:47,311 This is the best gift I've ever gotten. 542 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,725 Maybe later 543 00:20:48,742 --> 00:20:50,993 you can sew me a little tail-hole. 544 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:54,484 Merry Christmas, Sam. 545 00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:56,199 Oh, wait. 546 00:20:56,397 --> 00:20:58,973 Look what else Santa brought. 547 00:20:59,138 --> 00:21:00,873 Broccletoe. 548 00:21:02,372 --> 00:21:07,372 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth