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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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I'm talking about making
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a long-term commitment
to each other.
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You mean like marriage?
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I just don't understand
why we can't
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keep things the way they are.
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You mean living day-to-day,
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never knowing what kind of future
you have with the person
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you've been in a relationship with
the past three years?
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Okay, I-I prefer to think of it
as cherishing each day--
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nay, each moment--
with the woman I love
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because it-it could
all disappear
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in-in the blink of an eye.
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You mean like this?
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How was your day?
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I'm pretty sure
Lyndsey and I broke up.
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I really like Lyndsey.
I thought she was great.
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She is great.
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But I'm not gonna be bullied
into spending the rest
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of my life with somebody
just 'cause they're great.
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- Alan.
- We need to talk.
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Go ahead.
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I-I want to be with you forever.
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That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
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I love you, Lyndsey,
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and as soon as I can
save enough money,
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I'm gonna...
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put a deposit down
on an engagement ring.
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You don't have to
buy me some dumb ring.
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That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
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(Skype chimes)
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Oh! Oh, hey, Jake.
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- Hey, Dad.
- What's going on?
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Oh, I've got good news.
I've got a girlfriend.
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Oh, oh, that's great.
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And it gets better.
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She gave me the clap.
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Wait, wait, how's that better?
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It's a sexually transmitted
disease, Dad.
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Sexually transmitted.
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Disease.
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Yeah. So you get it.
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And now everybody knows
that I'm getting it.
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Wait.
Wait, y-you're telling people?
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No, I don't have to,
'cause I scream when I pee.
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I'm literally speechless, Jake.
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Hey, Walden!
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Oh, hey, Jake.
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I got the clap!
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Uh... congratulations.
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Thanks, man.
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All right, gotta run, Dad.
I'll talk to you later.
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I'm going to SeaWorld with my
girlfriend and her three kids.
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It's too bad antibiotics
can't cure stupidity.
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Hey, that's my son you're...
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eh, you're right.
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(computer chimes)
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Huh.
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What?
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I just got an e-mail
from my ex-wife.
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She wants to meet me for coffee.
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Judith?
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Oh, no, no, m-my second wife.
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You got two women to marry you?
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Yeah.
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I had to get the taste
of Judith out of my mouth.
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How come you never told me
about the second one?
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Ah, there wasn't much to tell.
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I mean, we got married in Vegas,
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won a half a million
dollar jackpot,
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she dumped me, took the money,
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and moved to New York
and became a TV star.
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This might be the first
interesting story
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you've ever told.
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Was she really a TV star?
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Yeah, she's on that
cop show Stiffs.
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"If you're not
one of the suspects,
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you're one of the Stiffs."
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I love that show.
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Who does she play?
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Detective Jane Risotto.
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Wait a minute!
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You were married to
tough-talkin', smooth-walkin',
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pistol-packin' Jane Risotto?
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Guilty.
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Guilty of being with
the hottest woman on Earth.
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I-I know.
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Hold on...
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Wait, her?
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Yes.
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You?
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Yes.
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No...
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- Yes.
- No!
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And you wonder why I didn't
tell you about this.
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No!
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ALAN:
Yes!
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
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♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
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(indistinct chatter)
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Kandi, over here.
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Alan.
(chuckles)
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Look at you.
You look terrific.
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Oh, thank you.
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And you look...
Wow.
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(clears throat)
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That-that dress fits you
like a...
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spray-on tan.
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It's so good to see you.
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Well, you, too. So, uh,
what are you doing here?
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Meeting you for coffee. Duh.
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Uh, n-no, I meant what are
you doing here in L.A.?
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Oh. I'm in the new
James Cameron movie.
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- Oh!
- I'm gonna be in 3-D.
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You'll certainly pop
right off the screen.
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Pop, pop.
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Thanks.
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So, what's up with you?
How's Jake?
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Oh, good. Uh, he's in the army.
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Wow!
(chuckling): Yeah.
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Which one?
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Um... ours.
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Oh, phew.
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So, look at you,
Little Miss Hollywood.
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Oh, please,
I haven't changed at all.
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I'd like a nonfat, decaf latte
with just a whisper of foam.
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Um, Kandi, he doesn't work here.
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Is that a problem?
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Nope.
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So, did you ever get remarried?
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Oh, oh, no, but, uh... but I do
have a lovely girlfriend.
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Oh...good for you.
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Thanks. So, how about you?
You seeing anyone?
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No. Most guys just want a
piece of Detective Jane Risotto.
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Well, as pieces go,
that's a good one.
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Thanks.
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I never told you this,
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but you're the best lover
I ever had.
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Oh, oh, geez, uh...
I don't know what to say.
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Uh, but, you know, I certainly
gave it 110% every time.
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Mmm.
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Wow.
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Imagine if you had given it
your all.
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I'm sorry,
you're in a relationship.
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We shouldn't even be talking
about this stuff.
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That's right.
It's just not appropriate.
152
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So, um... so, didn't you date
Derek Jeter for a while?
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I did.
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Huh.
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(knocking)
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Hi.
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Hi! What are you doing here?
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Well, something weird
just happened,
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00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,861
and I wanted to talk
to you about it.
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You okay?
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Oh, oh, yeah, everything's fine.
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It's just, uh...
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Uh, well, come here,
sit down.
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What's going on?
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Uh, well, okay,
here's the deal. I...
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I just... met my ex-wife
for coffee and she...
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got a little flirtatious
with me,
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and it kind of freaked me out.
169
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Wait, Judith got
flirtatious with you?
170
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Oh, oh, no, it wasn't Judith.
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It was the hot one?
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Okay, I don't think Judith would
appreciate that, but, uh...
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but, yes, i-it was
the-the hot one.
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What do you mean
she was flirtatious?
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Oh, oh, the details
are unimportant.
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I mean, she said I was
better in bed than Derek Jeter,
177
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but whatever, um...
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Wait a second, you want me
to believe
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that one of the sexiest women
in the world hit on you
180
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and you turned her down?
181
00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:04,818
Well, yes, yes, I-I did.
182
00:07:04,836 --> 00:07:07,504
I-I told Kandi that I am
in a committed relationship
183
00:07:07,524 --> 00:07:09,882
with a woman
that I-I truly love,
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00:07:09,898 --> 00:07:11,631
and-and I just wanted
to tell you
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because I don't want us
to have any secrets.
186
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Really?
187
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Yeah. I don't need a young,
rich, gorgeous movie star
188
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with flawless skin
and a great body.
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I have you.
190
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Okay, l-let me try that again.
191
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Um...
192
00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:34,141
(footfalls approaching)
193
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:36,735
Oh, hey, you should take
tomorrow off.
194
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Why?
195
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It's your birthday.
196
00:07:38,946 --> 00:07:40,379
Nobody should have to work
on their birthday.
197
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Who the hell told you
it was my birthday?
198
00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:44,841
You did, when we put you
on my company health plan.
199
00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:48,023
Damn it, I should've just lived
with that hernia.
200
00:07:48,304 --> 00:07:50,875
Come on, birthdays are terrific.
201
00:07:50,915 --> 00:07:54,416
It's all your loved ones
celebrating how great you are.
202
00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:57,583
It's like Christmas, except
you're the savior of the world.
203
00:07:57,625 --> 00:07:59,291
Sounds good,
204
00:07:59,299 --> 00:08:02,634
but all my loved ones are
in jail, rehab, or dead.
205
00:08:02,658 --> 00:08:05,393
I can't think of anything
I'm less interested in
206
00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:06,882
than my birthday.
207
00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:08,844
Boy, do I have
a story for you.
208
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,833
I stand corrected.
209
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:13,214
What's going on?
210
00:08:13,232 --> 00:08:15,020
So, I go meet Kandi for coffee.
211
00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:17,802
Yeah.
It turns out she wants me.
212
00:08:17,838 --> 00:08:19,037
- No.
- Yeah.
213
00:08:19,059 --> 00:08:20,260
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
214
00:08:20,272 --> 00:08:21,071
So did you?
215
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,009
- No.
- No?!
216
00:08:22,022 --> 00:08:23,246
Yes!
217
00:08:23,406 --> 00:08:25,026
Uh, hold on, I'm lost.
218
00:08:25,095 --> 00:08:26,694
So, when I tell Lyndsey
219
00:08:26,727 --> 00:08:29,195
that I turned down
Kandi because of her,
220
00:08:29,231 --> 00:08:31,298
Lyndsey bangs my brains out.
221
00:08:31,328 --> 00:08:32,961
In the middle
of the day.
222
00:08:32,981 --> 00:08:35,295
She could see everything
and she kept going.
223
00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:36,688
No!
224
00:08:36,689 --> 00:08:38,923
Yes! But let's not get caught
in this loop again.
225
00:08:38,925 --> 00:08:40,124
I-I mean, all my life,
226
00:08:40,126 --> 00:08:42,151
I've had to lie to women
to have fantastic sex.
227
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,475
Turns out, all I had
to do was be honest.
228
00:08:44,497 --> 00:08:46,598
It's almost ridiculous
in its simplicity.
229
00:08:46,950 --> 00:08:49,572
From now on, I'm just gonna
be totally honest with women.
230
00:08:49,602 --> 00:08:51,491
Well, until they catch on
to that scam.
231
00:08:51,515 --> 00:08:54,749
Exactly. Then it's back
to Alan Harper, astronaut.
232
00:08:59,104 --> 00:09:02,305
(phone ringing)
233
00:09:03,713 --> 00:09:06,314
(sniffs, groans)
234
00:09:06,448 --> 00:09:07,813
(sighs)
235
00:09:07,911 --> 00:09:09,577
Hello?
236
00:09:09,710 --> 00:09:11,199
Kandi?
237
00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:13,763
Wait, wh-why are you crying?
238
00:09:13,890 --> 00:09:16,090
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
239
00:09:17,744 --> 00:09:19,799
Okay, not that slow.
240
00:09:20,430 --> 00:09:21,534
Wh...
241
00:09:21,655 --> 00:09:23,856
How many drinks have you had?
242
00:09:25,233 --> 00:09:28,172
All right, "schlebbin" is not
a real number,
243
00:09:28,805 --> 00:09:31,282
but it sounds like it was a lot.
244
00:09:31,784 --> 00:09:35,028
Oh, n-no, no,
d-don't talk like that.
245
00:09:35,436 --> 00:09:37,498
You've got plenty to live for.
246
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,865
All right, all right,
d-don't do anything stupid.
247
00:09:39,889 --> 00:09:41,499
I-I'll be right over.
248
00:09:41,527 --> 00:09:42,321
(groans)
249
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,928
This is the price I pay
for being the best lover ever.
250
00:09:44,953 --> 00:09:46,388
(sighs)
251
00:09:51,774 --> 00:09:53,266
Where you going?
252
00:09:53,297 --> 00:09:56,919
Oh, I, uh, got to take care
of my drunk, hysterical ex-wife.
253
00:09:56,954 --> 00:09:58,773
What are you doing up?
254
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,659
Checking the stock market
in London.
255
00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:05,281
You're watching porn,
aren't you?
256
00:10:05,841 --> 00:10:09,411
I have more than
one window open, yes.
257
00:10:10,007 --> 00:10:11,880
Okay, I'll see you.
258
00:10:11,914 --> 00:10:14,478
Wait, hey, you-you want
me to come with you?
259
00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:16,222
Oh, no, no, I think
I can handle it.
260
00:10:16,245 --> 00:10:18,289
You think you might get laid.
261
00:10:19,289 --> 00:10:21,889
I have more
than one window open, yes.
262
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:23,903
♪ Men. ♪
263
00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:29,303
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
264
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:32,230
KANDI:
It's open.
265
00:10:34,613 --> 00:10:35,947
Kandi?
266
00:10:36,038 --> 00:10:37,592
Hi.
267
00:10:38,424 --> 00:10:40,207
Are-are you okay?
268
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,253
I am now that you're here.
269
00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:44,589
Wait a minute,
wh-what's going on?
270
00:10:44,616 --> 00:10:47,371
On the phone, you were drunk
and practically suicidal.
271
00:10:47,417 --> 00:10:49,399
I was acting.
272
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,294
A-Acting?
273
00:10:52,312 --> 00:10:55,519
Alan, you don't get a People's
Choice Award for nothing.
274
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:59,349
So this whole thing was a setup
just to get me over here?
275
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:01,614
I'm used to getting what I want.
276
00:11:01,973 --> 00:11:04,126
Well, uh, yeah,
yeah, Kandi,
277
00:11:04,146 --> 00:11:06,046
but I told you before,
I-I have a girlfriend.
278
00:11:06,062 --> 00:11:08,673
And-and-and, oh, God,
you smell good.
279
00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:09,845
Kind of, kind of like
280
00:11:09,859 --> 00:11:12,405
a combination of
pineapple and...
281
00:11:12,611 --> 00:11:14,578
hope.
282
00:11:15,113 --> 00:11:17,222
I have a couple
of old friends here
283
00:11:17,258 --> 00:11:19,392
who want to say hello!
284
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:21,442
Hello.
285
00:11:21,717 --> 00:11:23,101
Hello.
286
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:27,366
Why don't we continue this
conversation in the bedroom?
287
00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:30,125
Oh. Oh, Kandi,
I... I-I can't.
288
00:11:30,161 --> 00:11:31,961
Um, I, I mean,
I mean, I can.
289
00:11:31,988 --> 00:11:36,302
Parts of me already did,
but, uh, I-I have to leave.
290
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,499
All right, fine.
291
00:11:39,592 --> 00:11:41,744
You must really love her.
292
00:11:41,762 --> 00:11:44,630
That's the only explanation
I can come up with.
293
00:11:46,329 --> 00:11:49,632
Geez, the fact that you don't
want to sleep with me
294
00:11:49,666 --> 00:11:51,728
makes me want you even more.
295
00:11:51,762 --> 00:11:55,184
But if you did sleep with me,
you'd be like all the others,
296
00:11:55,204 --> 00:11:57,426
and then I wouldn't want
to sleep with you.
297
00:11:57,448 --> 00:12:00,114
So if you really don't want
to sleep with me,
298
00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,638
you should sleep with me.
299
00:12:02,703 --> 00:12:06,143
The scary part is
that makes perfect sense.
300
00:12:06,562 --> 00:12:09,028
Um, good-bye, Kandi.
301
00:12:09,073 --> 00:12:11,784
Don't forget me, Alan.
302
00:12:12,636 --> 00:12:15,738
As long as there's a slow,
soapy shower in the world,
303
00:12:15,759 --> 00:12:18,025
you will never be forgotten.
304
00:12:21,327 --> 00:12:23,383
♪ Men. ♪
305
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,152
Good morning.
306
00:12:25,165 --> 00:12:27,424
Oh, hey, how'd it go
with Kandi last night?
307
00:12:27,445 --> 00:12:30,430
Horrible--
she wanted to have sex with me.
308
00:12:30,732 --> 00:12:34,463
Why do bad things happen
to good people?
309
00:12:34,574 --> 00:12:37,012
Bottom line is, I took
the high road, and it sucks.
310
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,792
That's why it's
the road less traveled.
311
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,433
Hey, let me ask you a question.
312
00:12:41,435 --> 00:12:43,599
Yes, they're spectacular.
313
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:45,899
I knew it.
314
00:12:45,957 --> 00:12:49,430
Now, my question: what do you
usually do for Berta's birthday?
315
00:12:49,465 --> 00:12:51,990
Oh, uh, well, my brother
would stuff a card full of cash
316
00:12:52,019 --> 00:12:53,202
and then, after he passed out,
317
00:12:53,218 --> 00:12:56,244
I'd steam it open,
take a few 20s, and sign it.
318
00:12:58,481 --> 00:13:00,315
Yeah, I kind of get a feeling that
319
00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:02,659
She doesn't have anybody
doing anything special for her.
320
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:05,348
Yeah, I don't think
she does.
321
00:13:05,364 --> 00:13:08,353
Let me know if you want to give
her cash; I'll buy the card.
322
00:13:08,937 --> 00:13:10,289
(phone rings)
323
00:13:11,531 --> 00:13:12,480
Oh.
324
00:13:12,514 --> 00:13:14,077
Hey, Lyndsey.
325
00:13:14,902 --> 00:13:17,102
Whoa, whoa, c-c-calm down.
326
00:13:18,241 --> 00:13:20,142
Kandi's hotel room?
327
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,575
What, what makes you think
I was there?
328
00:13:23,881 --> 00:13:26,203
Paparazzi photos
on the Internet?
329
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:29,770
Uh, wow, that, that is just,
that is crazy, Lyndsey.
330
00:13:29,787 --> 00:13:32,521
I, I, I don't know
what you're talking about.
331
00:13:32,582 --> 00:13:34,725
Hmm, maybe it's this.
332
00:13:35,191 --> 00:13:36,386
Oh, crap.
333
00:13:36,419 --> 00:13:38,707
Um, uh, well, all right,
all right, all right,
334
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,020
I-I-I can explain that.
335
00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:42,216
Uh, uh, she, she called me
at 2:00 in the morning,
336
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:43,896
and I-I thought
she was drunk and suicidal,
337
00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:45,624
but it turns out
she was just acting.
338
00:13:45,651 --> 00:13:48,194
Did you know she won
a People's Choice?
339
00:13:48,225 --> 00:13:50,192
B-B-But I swear
nothing happened.
340
00:13:50,202 --> 00:13:53,270
(laughing):
This doesn't look like nothing.
341
00:13:55,197 --> 00:13:58,433
Uh, okay, okay, but, but,
but what you can't see
342
00:13:58,477 --> 00:14:00,744
in that picture is,
is what I was thinking,
343
00:14:00,779 --> 00:14:04,000
and what I was thinking about
was you, the woman I lo...
344
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,077
Hello?
345
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,132
(groans)
346
00:14:06,165 --> 00:14:09,366
- Oh, man.
- Mm-mm, I'm sorry, buddy.
347
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,162
Oh, look, you've
been identified
348
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,945
as "Matthew
Broderick's father""
349
00:14:15,661 --> 00:14:18,185
♪ Men. ♪
(knocking)
350
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,834
There's the birthday girl.
351
00:14:25,311 --> 00:14:27,163
I'm not in the mood, Walden.
352
00:14:27,184 --> 00:14:29,818
There is a ton of weed in this.
353
00:14:29,853 --> 00:14:32,272
Happy birthday to me.
354
00:14:34,361 --> 00:14:36,260
♪ Men. ♪
355
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:39,352
(sighs) These photos are all
over the Internet.
356
00:14:39,382 --> 00:14:40,802
Oh, my God.
357
00:14:40,843 --> 00:14:43,139
Oh, my boobs look good
in this one.
358
00:14:43,158 --> 00:14:45,187
Yeah, your boobs look good,
your life is perfect,
359
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:47,144
and I'm going
to die alone.
360
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,363
Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry.
361
00:14:48,385 --> 00:14:49,785
What can I do to help?
362
00:14:49,808 --> 00:14:52,132
Talk to Lyndsey,
tell her nothing happened.
363
00:14:52,154 --> 00:14:53,941
She won't listen to me.
364
00:14:53,969 --> 00:14:56,070
- Of course.
- Thank you.
365
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,544
(clears throat)
366
00:14:58,202 --> 00:15:00,278
It's her voice mail.
367
00:15:00,328 --> 00:15:01,958
She sounds very pretty.
368
00:15:01,986 --> 00:15:03,994
Just leave a message.
369
00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:06,196
Oh, hi, Lyndsey.
370
00:15:06,231 --> 00:15:09,832
It's Kandi, Alan's ex-wife
and TV's Jane Risotto.
371
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,913
I'm here with Alan
in my hotel room and...
372
00:15:11,938 --> 00:15:13,796
- No.
- What?
373
00:15:13,816 --> 00:15:14,949
(mouthing)
374
00:15:14,974 --> 00:15:16,104
(whispering):
Got it.
375
00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:17,863
Sorry, wrong number.
376
00:15:22,783 --> 00:15:24,179
♪ Men. ♪
377
00:15:24,297 --> 00:15:27,532
So, basically,
the search results
378
00:15:27,556 --> 00:15:30,490
are processed through
the neural back end,
379
00:15:30,654 --> 00:15:32,895
which allows us
to serve ads
380
00:15:32,926 --> 00:15:37,197
that are based on trends that
are personalized for the user.
381
00:15:38,013 --> 00:15:41,517
Halfway through that,
your head turned into a taco.
382
00:15:41,553 --> 00:15:44,531
(laughing)
383
00:15:48,331 --> 00:15:51,538
How cool is that?
A talking taco.
384
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:55,441
Talking taco, talking taco,
385
00:15:55,461 --> 00:15:57,461
talking taco.
386
00:15:57,651 --> 00:16:00,051
Oh, geez, I am really high.
387
00:16:01,966 --> 00:16:05,168
There must have been a cat
tranquilizer in that cupcake.
388
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,264
Woof.
(laughs)
389
00:16:07,294 --> 00:16:09,288
(both laughing)
390
00:16:17,354 --> 00:16:20,618
I got to tell you, Walden,
I never thought
391
00:16:20,664 --> 00:16:23,402
that I could work
for anybody but Charlie,
392
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,732
but
393
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:27,576
you're a good guy.
394
00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:29,532
That means a lot.
395
00:16:29,562 --> 00:16:31,293
And if truth be told,
396
00:16:31,304 --> 00:16:34,405
I don't even mind seeing Zippy
every day.
397
00:16:34,722 --> 00:16:36,969
Whoa!
398
00:16:37,093 --> 00:16:39,421
I must be higher
than I thought.
399
00:16:39,438 --> 00:16:41,528
(both laughing)
400
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:47,724
You know...
401
00:16:48,248 --> 00:16:51,584
when I met you,
I was at a real low point,
402
00:16:51,997 --> 00:16:53,951
but you and Alan
403
00:16:53,982 --> 00:16:56,039
took care of me.
404
00:16:56,059 --> 00:16:59,305
I got to say,
other than my mother,
405
00:16:59,455 --> 00:17:02,644
you're the closest thing
I have to a family.
406
00:17:05,236 --> 00:17:07,538
I love you, Berta.
407
00:17:07,974 --> 00:17:10,826
You're a sentimental
little taco, aren't you?
408
00:17:10,845 --> 00:17:13,012
(both laughing)
409
00:17:15,136 --> 00:17:16,677
(knocking)
410
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:21,240
Hi, we need to talk.
411
00:17:21,763 --> 00:17:22,783
Go ahead.
412
00:17:22,818 --> 00:17:25,051
I know you're really upset,
but I promise,
413
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:26,965
nothing happened
between me and Alan.
414
00:17:26,983 --> 00:17:28,167
I saw the pictures.
415
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,199
Pictures lie.
416
00:17:29,217 --> 00:17:30,350
So do boyfriends.
417
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,177
But not Alan.
418
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,218
Did you really try
to seduce him?
419
00:17:34,246 --> 00:17:36,713
I did, but he turned me down.
420
00:17:36,736 --> 00:17:37,682
Wow.
421
00:17:37,702 --> 00:17:40,222
I was as surprised as you are.
422
00:17:40,616 --> 00:17:43,719
What about all that stuff
about you enjoying sex
423
00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:45,924
with Alan more than
with Derek Jeter?
424
00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:48,915
Oh, honey, you know
better than that.
425
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,212
♪ Men. ♪
426
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,484
Hola, Berta.
427
00:17:54,535 --> 00:17:57,439
Feliz birthday-o.
428
00:17:57,738 --> 00:17:59,704
Stop, you're
freaking me out.
429
00:17:59,737 --> 00:18:01,504
(laughs)
430
00:18:01,524 --> 00:18:02,656
(chuckles)
431
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:05,305
Okay, all right,
I'm gonna call a cab.
432
00:18:05,331 --> 00:18:07,443
I'm too stoned
to drive.
433
00:18:07,455 --> 00:18:09,342
(clears throat)
434
00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:14,480
I may be too stoned
to call a cab.
435
00:18:15,415 --> 00:18:17,016
What about your car?
436
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:19,728
Oh, you know, just drive it
to my house tomorrow.
437
00:18:19,754 --> 00:18:22,206
I don't know how to
drive that thing.
438
00:18:22,252 --> 00:18:25,015
Oh, come on, it's easy,
I'll show you.
439
00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,238
Here.
440
00:18:27,294 --> 00:18:29,295
Help me out here.
441
00:18:29,327 --> 00:18:31,086
Where is your door?
442
00:18:31,108 --> 00:18:33,369
(both laughing)
443
00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:38,054
(gasps)
Happy birthday.
444
00:18:38,294 --> 00:18:40,593
Sweet Georgia Brown,
445
00:18:40,623 --> 00:18:42,856
you'd better not be
screwing with me.
446
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,132
Nope, you always said
it was your dream car.
447
00:18:45,154 --> 00:18:46,409
Well, today
your dreams come true.
448
00:18:46,419 --> 00:18:47,485
Oh!
449
00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:50,518
Come here, you big
old talking taco.
450
00:18:50,814 --> 00:18:51,855
Oh.
451
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:52,832
(sighs)
452
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,041
Oh, oh, there's
one condition.
453
00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:56,738
Okay, you want
to do it in the house
454
00:18:56,755 --> 00:18:59,280
or on the hood of the car?
455
00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:00,613
No.
456
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:03,969
Hey, Alan can never
find out about this.
457
00:19:04,314 --> 00:19:06,970
Alan can never find
out about this.
458
00:19:07,029 --> 00:19:08,558
Mm-hmm.
459
00:19:08,611 --> 00:19:10,520
♪ Men. ♪
460
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,258
Oh, that is great, honey.
461
00:19:16,302 --> 00:19:18,497
Well, I-I will
talk to you later.
462
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,689
Okay, okay,
bye-bye.
463
00:19:20,717 --> 00:19:22,788
Wow, Lyndsey's
in a better mood.
464
00:19:22,836 --> 00:19:24,809
(snorts)
465
00:19:25,316 --> 00:19:28,442
It's like her head is in
a whole different place.
466
00:19:30,276 --> 00:19:32,278
Uh, uh, it's on.
467
00:19:32,312 --> 00:19:34,594
TV ANNOUNCER: If you're not one
of the suspects...
468
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,146
ALL:
You're one of the Stiffs.
469
00:19:40,891 --> 00:19:43,244
God, she's hot.
470
00:19:43,304 --> 00:19:44,556
Yeah.
471
00:19:44,573 --> 00:19:46,180
Yeah.
472
00:19:47,907 --> 00:19:51,107
Excuse me, I'm gonna go
check the stock market.
473
00:19:54,453 --> 00:19:57,064
Guess what Walden bought me
for my birthday.
474
00:19:58,044 --> 00:20:03,044
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth