1
00:00:02,673 --> 00:00:03,784
What are you
doing here?
2
00:00:03,785 --> 00:00:04,832
I got a weekend pass,
3
00:00:04,843 --> 00:00:06,879
so I took a train in
to surprise you guys.
4
00:00:06,913 --> 00:00:08,486
Hi, soldier.
Hello.
5
00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:09,789
You must be Jake.
6
00:00:09,813 --> 00:00:11,112
I'm sleeping in your room.
7
00:00:11,150 --> 00:00:13,100
Well, God bless America.
8
00:00:13,118 --> 00:00:14,317
You are just so sweet.
9
00:00:14,338 --> 00:00:15,838
I swear, I could just
eat you up,
10
00:00:15,853 --> 00:00:18,337
but you know, then
I'd probably get a sugar rush.
11
00:00:18,766 --> 00:00:20,149
Missi still sleeping?
12
00:00:20,159 --> 00:00:22,482
Nah, she's in the shower.
13
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,604
Oops.
14
00:00:26,916 --> 00:00:28,602
I get another pass
in, like, a month,
15
00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:30,185
so maybe we can
see each other then.
16
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,952
I sort of have a boyfriend.
17
00:00:31,971 --> 00:00:32,916
A boyfriend?
18
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:35,002
But I thought you...
19
00:00:36,085 --> 00:00:38,108
Good-bye, Jake.
20
00:00:38,394 --> 00:00:40,376
Don't be a hero.
21
00:00:40,681 --> 00:00:42,234
(door closes)
22
00:00:42,950 --> 00:00:45,433
What the hell just happened?
23
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:49,414
Hey.
24
00:00:49,691 --> 00:00:50,848
Hey.
25
00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:54,156
Wait. I thought you had a date
with Lyndsey tonight.
26
00:00:54,165 --> 00:00:55,539
Oh, yeah, I was
supposed to,
27
00:00:55,552 --> 00:00:57,981
but, uh, we decided to
take a little break.
28
00:00:58,001 --> 00:00:59,227
How come?
29
00:00:59,241 --> 00:01:01,408
Oh, I'm not privy
to that information.
30
00:01:02,337 --> 00:01:05,188
Uh, all I was told is,
we need to take a break.
31
00:01:05,838 --> 00:01:08,071
So, what, you're supposed
to just wait around
32
00:01:08,081 --> 00:01:10,702
until she decides that you're worthy
of being in her presence again?
33
00:01:10,715 --> 00:01:13,382
Or until she needs her
rain gutters cleaned out.
34
00:01:13,631 --> 00:01:16,043
And-and that's
not a euphemism.
35
00:01:17,206 --> 00:01:18,844
See, this is the kind of crap
36
00:01:18,856 --> 00:01:21,157
you got to put up with
when you're in a relationship.
37
00:01:21,174 --> 00:01:24,175
Oh, but-but it's a small
price to pay for love,
38
00:01:24,198 --> 00:01:26,648
companionship and
a parking spot
39
00:01:26,664 --> 00:01:29,293
for the pink Prius.
40
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:33,739
It's hard to believe that
Lyndsey needed a break from you.
41
00:01:37,032 --> 00:01:38,914
(doorbell rings)
42
00:01:39,112 --> 00:01:41,153
Oh. Well, if you will excuse me,
43
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:44,381
I have a date
with an extra large meat lover.
44
00:01:44,918 --> 00:01:46,993
That did not sound right.
45
00:01:47,943 --> 00:01:49,729
I ordered a pizza.
46
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,012
Walden!
47
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:55,665
Missi.
48
00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:58,607
I am so sorry
49
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,156
to show up
unannounced, but
50
00:02:00,168 --> 00:02:01,967
me and my mom got
in this huge fight over
51
00:02:01,992 --> 00:02:03,660
whether or not I should pay rent
to stay at her house.
52
00:02:03,672 --> 00:02:05,288
And I said,
"Fine, but if I pay rent,
53
00:02:05,301 --> 00:02:06,608
then your stupid boyfriend
should, too."
54
00:02:06,617 --> 00:02:07,678
He said,
"Don't sass your mother."
55
00:02:07,687 --> 00:02:08,987
I said,
"Do not tell me what to do.
56
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,991
I am six months older than you""
57
00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:12,114
Anyway,
58
00:02:12,128 --> 00:02:14,502
you said I was welcome here
any time I want, so, ding-dong,
59
00:02:14,514 --> 00:02:15,964
here I am.
Uh...
60
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,752
Alan, how are you?
61
00:02:17,775 --> 00:02:19,623
I'm good.
What brings you here?
62
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,641
- Me and my...
- No! No!
63
00:02:23,224 --> 00:02:24,924
Hey.
64
00:02:25,077 --> 00:02:26,595
Jake, what
are you doing here?
65
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,263
I got a weekend pass. Missi?
66
00:02:29,422 --> 00:02:31,305
What are you doing here?
67
00:02:31,340 --> 00:02:34,975
Jake? What a surprise!
68
00:02:39,255 --> 00:02:41,560
- I'm suspicious.
- You think?
69
00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:44,494
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
70
00:02:44,522 --> 00:02:47,022
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
71
00:02:47,021 --> 00:02:49,788
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x07 ♪
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
Original Air Date on November 8, 2012
72
00:02:49,898 --> 00:02:53,180
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Sync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
73
00:02:53,429 --> 00:02:55,560
I still can't get over
this coincidence.
74
00:02:55,584 --> 00:02:57,197
I mean, what are the odds?
75
00:02:57,216 --> 00:02:59,840
The same weekend I come home,
Missi just happens...
76
00:02:59,862 --> 00:03:01,508
Jake, let it go.
77
00:03:02,195 --> 00:03:03,103
WALDEN:
Missi,
78
00:03:03,122 --> 00:03:05,405
help me out here.
I thought you guys broke up.
79
00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:08,998
We did, but then Jake sent me
this giant cookie he baked
80
00:03:09,029 --> 00:03:11,473
that was shaped like a heart,
and it said, "I Missi you""
81
00:03:11,496 --> 00:03:13,428
and I just melted.
82
00:03:13,553 --> 00:03:15,795
Well, you know,
I can't take all the credit.
83
00:03:15,835 --> 00:03:17,836
The cookie was
loaded with pot.
84
00:03:18,277 --> 00:03:19,516
MISSI:
So, uh,
85
00:03:19,543 --> 00:03:22,475
Jake, you want to go to
your bedroom and unpack?
86
00:03:22,508 --> 00:03:24,891
Uh, that's okay.
I don't really have much.
87
00:03:25,453 --> 00:03:30,367
Well, then maybe you
can help me... unpack.
88
00:03:31,396 --> 00:03:32,662
Why?
89
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:33,852
WALDEN:
Dude,
90
00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:36,884
she's not really talking
about unpacking.
91
00:03:37,613 --> 00:03:40,131
Oh. Oh, okay, yeah,
92
00:03:40,150 --> 00:03:42,063
I could definitely go
for a good unpacking.
93
00:03:42,085 --> 00:03:43,650
Well, then, come on.
94
00:03:43,678 --> 00:03:46,678
Hey, um, maybe later we could go
for a walk on the beach.
95
00:03:46,710 --> 00:03:48,563
Oh, yeah!
96
00:03:49,506 --> 00:03:52,842
She means an actual walk
on the beach!
97
00:03:54,613 --> 00:03:56,434
That's it.
I'm out of here.
98
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,288
- Where you going?
- Someplace quiet.
99
00:03:58,313 --> 00:03:59,748
What are you talking about?
It's quiet here.
100
00:03:59,764 --> 00:04:01,372
Wait for it.
101
00:04:01,387 --> 00:04:02,577
MISSI:
Jake, slow down.
102
00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:05,000
There's a zipper
on this thing.
103
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,786
Oh, God, I can't hear my son
having sex.
104
00:04:08,838 --> 00:04:10,671
(grunts)
105
00:04:11,143 --> 00:04:13,343
♪ Ah, push it
106
00:04:13,381 --> 00:04:15,281
♪ Push it good
107
00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:17,401
♪ Ah, push it
Much better.
108
00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:19,776
♪ Push it...
109
00:04:28,921 --> 00:04:30,123
Wow.
110
00:04:34,602 --> 00:04:35,770
(whispers):
Excuse me?
111
00:04:35,789 --> 00:04:38,947
I'm sorry.
That-that was involuntary.
112
00:04:40,328 --> 00:04:42,460
I just think
you're very beautiful.
113
00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:44,788
Thank you.
114
00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,827
If we weren't in a library,
I would have applauded.
115
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:49,843
Got it.
116
00:04:49,886 --> 00:04:51,636
Thanks.
117
00:04:54,796 --> 00:04:56,225
I'm sorry.
118
00:04:56,249 --> 00:04:58,399
What are you doing here?
119
00:04:58,770 --> 00:05:01,096
Nobody goes
to the library anymore.
120
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:03,937
Oh, it's one of the few places
that I can go to
121
00:05:03,959 --> 00:05:06,236
where strange men
don't hit on me.
122
00:05:07,453 --> 00:05:08,902
Oh.
123
00:05:10,236 --> 00:05:12,304
Sorry. I just...
I'll leave you alone.
124
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:17,433
I come here 'cause
they have a great collection
125
00:05:17,456 --> 00:05:19,623
of Thomas Edison diaries.
126
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,712
They're very illuminating.
127
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:26,161
Get it?
Thomas Edison's...
128
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,133
The lightbulb?
129
00:05:29,901 --> 00:05:31,201
Never mind.
130
00:05:32,270 --> 00:05:33,820
(sighs)
131
00:05:34,227 --> 00:05:37,442
Just for the record,
I wasn't hitting on you.
132
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:40,115
I was just making small talk.
133
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,303
Duly noted.
134
00:05:42,366 --> 00:05:44,615
The last thing I would want
to do is hit on anyone.
135
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,187
I'm-I'm kind of taking
a timeout from the whole
136
00:05:47,211 --> 00:05:49,457
boy-meets-girl,
girl-dumps-boy,
137
00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:52,407
boy-doubts-his-worth
as-a-human-being thing.
138
00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,307
Okay.
139
00:05:54,342 --> 00:05:55,624
Okay.
140
00:06:16,797 --> 00:06:19,382
Oh, for God's sake.
Would you like to join me?
141
00:06:19,384 --> 00:06:21,018
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want to impose.
142
00:06:21,036 --> 00:06:22,853
Just get over here.
143
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,243
I'm Walden.
144
00:06:28,268 --> 00:06:29,968
- Whitney.
- Hi.
145
00:06:29,979 --> 00:06:32,023
So, Whitney,
tell me about yourself.
146
00:06:32,044 --> 00:06:33,377
What do you do?
147
00:06:33,384 --> 00:06:35,259
Um, I'm an actress.
148
00:06:35,276 --> 00:06:36,656
How's that going?
149
00:06:36,670 --> 00:06:37,974
Not so good.
150
00:06:37,988 --> 00:06:40,074
I haven't worked
in almost two years.
151
00:06:40,129 --> 00:06:43,981
Ooh. Tough business,
or are you just not talented?
152
00:06:48,347 --> 00:06:51,415
What do you mean,
am I just not talented?
153
00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:54,361
You don't know me,
you don't know what I can do.
154
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,639
You're lucky that I don't reach
under this table right now,
155
00:06:56,668 --> 00:06:59,415
rip off your balls
and feed them to you for dinner.
156
00:07:01,008 --> 00:07:03,271
I'm sorry. Sorry. My bad.
157
00:07:03,915 --> 00:07:06,054
And scene.
158
00:07:13,638 --> 00:07:15,522
- Hey.
- Hey.
159
00:07:15,524 --> 00:07:16,790
Where's Missi?
160
00:07:16,792 --> 00:07:18,441
She's unpacking.
161
00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:20,160
You know, for real.
162
00:07:20,162 --> 00:07:22,450
Right. I'm-I'm glad
you're having fun.
163
00:07:22,468 --> 00:07:25,403
Oh, I am. I can't imagine
ever being with anyone else.
164
00:07:25,429 --> 00:07:27,846
Yeah, yeah, I
remember that feeling.
165
00:07:27,874 --> 00:07:30,835
You, uh, kiss a girl,
see fireworks,
166
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,862
and fall head-over-heels
in love,
167
00:07:32,877 --> 00:07:36,032
and then, one day you wake up
in a cold, loveless marriage
168
00:07:36,048 --> 00:07:37,680
with a soul-sucking shrew
169
00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,994
who makes you wish
for an early death.
170
00:07:40,323 --> 00:07:43,590
Oh, you realize
you're talking about my mother.
171
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,159
Yeah. So you get it.
172
00:07:49,337 --> 00:07:51,955
So, anyway, after I
moved out to Los Angeles,
173
00:07:51,992 --> 00:07:54,039
I promised myself
I'd give it two years,
174
00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:55,957
and if I wasn't a star by then,
175
00:07:55,972 --> 00:07:58,160
I'd move home
and get a real job.
176
00:07:58,183 --> 00:07:59,939
So, how much time
do you have left?
177
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,847
11 days.
178
00:08:02,074 --> 00:08:04,809
Well, that's four more
than God took.
179
00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:08,176
God didn't have my agent.
180
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:11,572
Listen, if I could hire you
to act, I would.
181
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:14,074
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
182
00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,838
You know,
what if I could hire you?
183
00:08:18,871 --> 00:08:21,156
- For what?
- Well, stick with me
184
00:08:21,190 --> 00:08:23,513
'cause I'm just thinking
out loud here.
185
00:08:23,721 --> 00:08:25,954
You see, here's the thing.
186
00:08:26,141 --> 00:08:28,179
I'm a serial monogamist,
187
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,422
but I'm not very good
at relationships,
188
00:08:30,463 --> 00:08:32,721
'cause they're emotional
and they get messy,
189
00:08:32,733 --> 00:08:34,228
people fall in and out of love,
190
00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:35,872
and somebody always
ends up crying.
191
00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:37,704
That's usually me.
192
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,491
Walden, I'm not going
to date you.
193
00:08:40,542 --> 00:08:43,356
Oh, no, I-I don't want you
to date me.
194
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,464
What if I hired you
195
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:49,032
to play the role
of my girlfriend?
196
00:08:49,034 --> 00:08:50,846
You think I'm a hooker?!
197
00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:53,040
No. No. No sex.
198
00:08:53,064 --> 00:08:55,227
Uh, you know,
take sex off the table.
199
00:08:55,257 --> 00:08:56,990
In fact, take it off the table,
200
00:08:57,021 --> 00:08:58,818
the car, the floor, the bed,
201
00:08:58,836 --> 00:09:01,153
the windmill
at the putt-putt golf course.
202
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,236
Okay, so,
203
00:09:03,354 --> 00:09:05,830
I'm supposed to just believe
that some random guy
204
00:09:05,851 --> 00:09:08,628
that I meet in the public
library is going to pay me
205
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:11,161
to be his sex-free companion?
206
00:09:12,115 --> 00:09:14,648
How does this not end
with my head in a freezer?
207
00:09:16,958 --> 00:09:18,959
- Google me.
- What?
208
00:09:18,997 --> 00:09:21,583
Walden Schmidt.
Google me.
209
00:09:24,923 --> 00:09:27,458
Wow, that's a lot of zeros.
210
00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:33,627
Are you really a-a genius,
entrepreneur, philanthropist?
211
00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:36,081
I also fight crime.
212
00:09:37,506 --> 00:09:38,868
What do you say?
213
00:09:38,885 --> 00:09:40,984
You know
how weird this is, right?
214
00:09:41,007 --> 00:09:42,270
What is weird about wanting
215
00:09:42,284 --> 00:09:44,135
to control every aspect
of a relationship
216
00:09:44,163 --> 00:09:46,055
by using money as a weapon?
217
00:09:47,158 --> 00:09:48,892
Okay, let me rephrase that.
218
00:09:48,926 --> 00:09:50,842
How does five grand
a week sound?
219
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,948
Sounds like
you've got a girlfriend.
220
00:09:56,828 --> 00:09:58,061
Morning.
221
00:09:58,102 --> 00:10:00,453
Morning. Where's Jake?
222
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,089
Oh, he's still sleeping,
'cause in the army,
223
00:10:02,097 --> 00:10:03,686
he has to get up at
4:00 in the morning.
224
00:10:03,694 --> 00:10:05,522
In the military,
that's 0400.
225
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,920
I don't understand why they need
the "oh" or the "hundred."
226
00:10:07,952 --> 00:10:10,360
What time is it? 4:00.
Boom! Done! Next!
227
00:10:11,199 --> 00:10:12,262
(doorbell rings)
228
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:13,579
And I really
don't understand
229
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,913
them watches without
the numbers on it.
230
00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:16,805
- I mean, I never know what time it...
- Missi?
231
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,799
I love you dearly,
but you got to shut up.
232
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,885
Well, all I heard was,
you love me dearly.
233
00:10:25,404 --> 00:10:27,466
Oh, you're here.
234
00:10:27,587 --> 00:10:29,631
And... action!
235
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:32,776
You're adorable.
236
00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:35,787
I brought you an iced coffee,
no sugar, soy milk.
237
00:10:35,891 --> 00:10:38,074
That's exactly the way
that I like it.
238
00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:39,714
How did you know?
239
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:42,209
You're my boyfriend.
It's my business to know.
240
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,116
Okay, so, here's
what I'm thinking.
241
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:47,616
Three words--
beer, wings, football.
242
00:10:47,639 --> 00:10:49,424
Okay, three more words--
243
00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:51,571
best... girlfriend... ever.
244
00:10:51,627 --> 00:10:53,660
- I'll just go get changed.
- Why?
245
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:56,016
Oh, this is a smelly old shirt,
and I haven't showered.
246
00:10:56,039 --> 00:10:58,372
Stinky-- just the way I like it.
247
00:10:58,989 --> 00:11:00,882
Oh, this is good.
248
00:11:02,350 --> 00:11:04,521
Can I fart in the car?
249
00:11:10,042 --> 00:11:10,853
Hello?
250
00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:11,976
Sorry to disturb you, sir.
251
00:11:11,989 --> 00:11:14,345
Is this the residence
of Private Jake Harper?
252
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:16,263
Yes, it is.
Is everything okay?
253
00:11:16,281 --> 00:11:18,581
No, sir.
He's absent without leave.
254
00:11:18,583 --> 00:11:20,317
H-He's AWOL?
255
00:11:20,319 --> 00:11:22,285
Now we both said it.
256
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:25,246
If he doesn't return
to the base within 24 hours,
257
00:11:25,265 --> 00:11:27,253
he will be brought up
on charges.
258
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:28,939
Oh. That's not good.
259
00:11:28,953 --> 00:11:31,199
No, sir. It's bad.
260
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:35,095
Uh, well, I-I...
I haven't seen him.
261
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,426
Uh, but, you know, if I...
if I do, I will, uh,
262
00:11:37,436 --> 00:11:39,878
I will get in touch right away.
Uh, immediately.
263
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:40,880
Thank you, sir.
Okay.
264
00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,470
Here's our contact
information.
265
00:11:42,474 --> 00:11:44,057
Good day, sir.
266
00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:51,043
MISSI (giggling):
Jake!
267
00:11:51,568 --> 00:11:53,251
Jake?
268
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,600
JAKE:
Not now, Dad.
269
00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:57,928
The military police
were at the door
270
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,571
looking for you.
271
00:12:00,092 --> 00:12:02,801
- What did you tell them?
- I told them you weren't here.
272
00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:05,014
Oh. Thanks.
See you at dinner.
273
00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:16,054
Are you kidding
me, Jake? AWOL?!
274
00:12:16,092 --> 00:12:17,993
Come on, it's not
that big a deal.
275
00:12:18,016 --> 00:12:20,465
You could go to jail!
276
00:12:20,477 --> 00:12:23,792
Really?
That seems a little extreme.
277
00:12:24,258 --> 00:12:26,563
All right, all right, enough.
Just go get your things,
278
00:12:26,586 --> 00:12:27,952
and I'll drive you back
to the base.
279
00:12:27,963 --> 00:12:29,496
No. I'm staying
here with Missi.
280
00:12:29,503 --> 00:12:31,396
This is not a discussion.
Let's go!
281
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:33,324
Dad, I'm not a kid anymore.
282
00:12:33,341 --> 00:12:35,753
I'm 18, and I'm in the army.
283
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:39,101
You're using the excuse
that you're in the army
284
00:12:39,129 --> 00:12:41,282
to not go back to the army?!
285
00:12:41,478 --> 00:12:43,922
Hey, why don't you let me
go try to talk to him?
286
00:12:43,954 --> 00:12:45,454
You think you can bring him
back to his senses?
287
00:12:45,456 --> 00:12:47,639
Oh, yeah, I'm real good at getting
people to do what I want 'em to do--
288
00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:49,492
back home they call me
the "People Whisperer""
289
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,780
It's kind of like
the Horse Whisperer,
290
00:12:50,794 --> 00:12:52,785
except I do it with people
and I don't really whisper.
291
00:12:52,799 --> 00:12:54,200
Ooh, I tried it with
a horse one time.
292
00:12:54,214 --> 00:12:55,864
He was just looking
at me like I was crazy.
293
00:12:55,886 --> 00:12:57,252
Kind of like you're
doing right now.
294
00:12:57,278 --> 00:12:59,190
I'll go talk to Jake.
295
00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:02,863
She cannot become
my daughter-in-law.
296
00:13:07,010 --> 00:13:08,777
Oh, good, you're
going back.
297
00:13:08,811 --> 00:13:11,179
Nope. You and me
are getting out of here.
298
00:13:11,208 --> 00:13:12,510
Where are we going?
299
00:13:12,528 --> 00:13:14,364
Doesn't matter.
I just want to be with you.
300
00:13:14,384 --> 00:13:17,069
Jake, I got to go back home;
I have a job.
301
00:13:17,071 --> 00:13:19,821
Hey, if I can leave the army,
you can leave your job.
302
00:13:19,823 --> 00:13:21,333
Whoa, slow down.
303
00:13:21,347 --> 00:13:24,682
Why? I love you
and you love me, right?
304
00:13:26,029 --> 00:13:27,540
Right?
305
00:13:28,694 --> 00:13:29,823
Jake...
306
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,903
you have to know
how much I really like you.
307
00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:35,246
Oh, man.
308
00:13:35,337 --> 00:13:36,553
But...
309
00:13:36,572 --> 00:13:38,083
you're in good company,
310
00:13:38,104 --> 00:13:40,490
'cause I only really like
great things.
311
00:13:40,513 --> 00:13:42,909
You know, like
ice cream sundaes
312
00:13:42,933 --> 00:13:44,559
and jumping up and
down on bubble wrap
313
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,337
and that cute little bear
in the toilet paper commercial
314
00:13:46,354 --> 00:13:48,354
that wipes his butt
on the trees.
315
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:51,726
Okay, I heard it that time.
I do got to shut up.
316
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:55,571
(cheering, whooping)
317
00:13:55,796 --> 00:13:58,157
I brought you another beer.
(groans)
318
00:13:58,176 --> 00:13:59,709
I don't know if I should.
319
00:13:59,736 --> 00:14:01,850
Oh, come on, drunk guys are hot.
320
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,828
You know,
I got to tell you, Whitney,
321
00:14:03,847 --> 00:14:06,448
I am having
the best time with you.
322
00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:09,728
Good. 'Cause...
I think you're wonderful.
323
00:14:10,566 --> 00:14:12,367
Thanks.
324
00:14:13,993 --> 00:14:16,078
Do you really mean that?
325
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,295
Of course I do.
326
00:14:17,319 --> 00:14:19,308
You're smart,
you're funny,
327
00:14:19,329 --> 00:14:21,779
not to mention very handsome.
328
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:23,617
Ah. Too late,
you mentioned it.
329
00:14:23,648 --> 00:14:25,147
(laughs)
330
00:14:25,185 --> 00:14:26,978
You know, but seriously...
331
00:14:27,006 --> 00:14:29,172
I am so glad I met you.
332
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:30,937
Thanks.
333
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,783
Me, too.
334
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:37,698
See, here's the thing.
335
00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:40,552
I really mean it.
336
00:14:40,571 --> 00:14:41,987
So do I.
337
00:14:41,989 --> 00:14:44,058
Okay, see, I don't know
if you're just saying that
338
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,475
because I'm paying you,
339
00:14:45,495 --> 00:14:47,779
or if you really believe it.
340
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:50,218
How does it feel to you?
341
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:53,114
It feels like you mean it.
342
00:14:53,303 --> 00:14:55,315
Then that's all that matters.
343
00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:57,049
Wh... No, it's not.
344
00:14:57,069 --> 00:14:59,653
See... I want to know
345
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:01,710
if it's for real real
346
00:15:01,731 --> 00:15:04,398
or if it's "Best Performance
by a Girlfriend
347
00:15:04,417 --> 00:15:06,751
Hired in a Library" real.
348
00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:09,210
Because on my end, it is real.
349
00:15:09,625 --> 00:15:11,508
Me, too.
350
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,158
Okay, if I wasn't paying you,
351
00:15:14,268 --> 00:15:16,170
would you still feel that?
352
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,085
It wouldn't matter
if you were paying me or not.
353
00:15:19,226 --> 00:15:20,694
But I am paying you.
354
00:15:20,714 --> 00:15:23,322
Which doesn't change
the way I feel.
355
00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:24,863
(sucking lip)
356
00:15:24,865 --> 00:15:26,988
Okay, let's try this
another way.
357
00:15:28,234 --> 00:15:31,453
I want you to feel
358
00:15:31,455 --> 00:15:33,655
that it's really real...
359
00:15:33,657 --> 00:15:36,074
for real real.
360
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:37,630
And that...
361
00:15:37,656 --> 00:15:40,073
is exactly how I feel.
362
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,359
Son of a bitch!
363
00:15:48,683 --> 00:15:49,967
Hey.
364
00:15:50,153 --> 00:15:51,468
Hey.
365
00:15:51,504 --> 00:15:52,679
You okay?
366
00:15:52,703 --> 00:15:53,960
What do you care?
367
00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:56,041
Come on, Jake, you know I care.
368
00:15:56,902 --> 00:15:58,767
I feel so stupid.
369
00:15:58,787 --> 00:16:00,136
No.
370
00:16:00,869 --> 00:16:03,135
You're not stupid.
371
00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:06,321
You want to hear stupid?
372
00:16:06,346 --> 00:16:08,878
One time I drank an entire
blueberry Slurpee in one slurp,
373
00:16:08,892 --> 00:16:12,027
had a three-hour brain freeze
and my pee looked like Windex.
374
00:16:12,212 --> 00:16:14,095
What the hell
are you talking about?
375
00:16:14,125 --> 00:16:16,959
I don't know,
I'm not real good with silence.
376
00:16:17,129 --> 00:16:20,503
Just... promise me
you'll go back to the army.
377
00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:23,454
Yeah, I'm going back.
378
00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:25,133
Good.
379
00:16:26,075 --> 00:16:29,077
Hey... we did have
some fun, though, right?
380
00:16:29,427 --> 00:16:31,561
Yeah, we did.
381
00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:34,358
Well, just remember that part.
382
00:16:38,804 --> 00:16:40,772
Good-bye, Jake.
383
00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,849
Where am I gonna find
another girl named Missi?
384
00:16:59,905 --> 00:17:01,422
Hey.
385
00:17:01,708 --> 00:17:03,258
Hey.
386
00:17:03,927 --> 00:17:05,220
Where's your new girlfriend?
387
00:17:05,245 --> 00:17:07,390
Ah, she's off
for the day.
388
00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:10,308
Where's your boyfriend?
389
00:17:10,341 --> 00:17:13,092
We... kind of broke up.
390
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,664
How come?
391
00:17:14,677 --> 00:17:17,592
You know, I just thought I was
coming here for a fun weekend,
392
00:17:17,624 --> 00:17:19,529
no strings attached, but...
393
00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:21,394
then Jake told me
that he loved me
394
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,149
and I just couldn't say it back.
395
00:17:23,173 --> 00:17:24,141
Ouch.
396
00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:26,515
I wasn't trying to hurt him.
It's just...
397
00:17:27,654 --> 00:17:29,838
he's not my soul mate.
398
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,473
Well, I hate to break it to you,
399
00:17:32,475 --> 00:17:35,277
but... there is no such thing.
400
00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:36,715
That's not true.
401
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:38,552
Everybody has a soul mate.
402
00:17:38,582 --> 00:17:39,914
And when
you find yours,
403
00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:41,206
it's like that feeling you get
404
00:17:41,221 --> 00:17:42,967
after the first big
snowfall of the year.
405
00:17:42,982 --> 00:17:44,653
You race outside
to go sledding
406
00:17:44,671 --> 00:17:47,343
and you go to the top of
the steepest hill you can find,
407
00:17:47,377 --> 00:17:49,354
and, you know, your heart starts
racing and you get all sweaty,
408
00:17:49,376 --> 00:17:51,683
even though all your boogers
are frozen over,
409
00:17:51,713 --> 00:17:52,879
and... the next
thing you know,
410
00:17:52,896 --> 00:17:54,379
you are zipping down
Montague Street,
411
00:17:54,381 --> 00:17:57,097
laughing and crying
all at the same time,
412
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,986
and you never want it to end.
413
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,445
And that's what real love
should feel like.
414
00:18:02,371 --> 00:18:05,206
Nobody should settle
for anything less.
415
00:18:06,008 --> 00:18:08,120
Remember when I told you
to shut up earlier?
416
00:18:08,144 --> 00:18:09,436
I'm sorry. I know.
417
00:18:09,451 --> 00:18:10,927
No.
418
00:18:11,014 --> 00:18:13,782
Don't ever listen to me again.
419
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:16,835
'Cause that was awesome.
420
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,494
Where you going?
421
00:18:21,511 --> 00:18:23,239
I'm gonna go see
if my girlfriend
422
00:18:23,252 --> 00:18:25,846
wants to really
be my girlfriend.
423
00:18:27,633 --> 00:18:30,635
And the People Whisperer
strikes again.
424
00:18:33,724 --> 00:18:35,666
And we're flying
down the hill
425
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:36,981
and you're all sweaty
426
00:18:37,007 --> 00:18:39,504
and there are, like,
boogers frozen everywhere,
427
00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:41,456
and... the point is,
428
00:18:41,483 --> 00:18:44,317
I want to share
that feeling with you.
429
00:18:45,389 --> 00:18:47,290
For real.
430
00:18:47,683 --> 00:18:49,629
I'm gay.
431
00:18:52,385 --> 00:18:53,664
What?
432
00:18:53,670 --> 00:18:55,763
I like women.
433
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:58,251
For real?
434
00:18:58,473 --> 00:19:00,343
For real.
435
00:19:00,395 --> 00:19:02,047
Wow.
436
00:19:02,093 --> 00:19:04,576
You're a really good actor.
437
00:19:05,451 --> 00:19:06,751
Thank you.
438
00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,861
Do you want to go
to a movie tomorrow?
439
00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:10,985
Sure, yeah.
That sounds great.
440
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,033
I love you.
441
00:19:13,044 --> 00:19:14,274
Love you, too, honey!
442
00:19:14,465 --> 00:19:16,355
♪ Men... ♪
443
00:19:20,719 --> 00:19:22,254
You all right, buddy?
444
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,286
I'm fine.
445
00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:27,032
It's okay to be upset.
446
00:19:27,069 --> 00:19:29,255
I'm not upset.
447
00:19:30,655 --> 00:19:33,454
if you were, I-I
would understand.
448
00:19:33,646 --> 00:19:36,246
I mean, you give
yourself to somebody,
449
00:19:36,273 --> 00:19:39,358
you finally let down
all your walls, and...
450
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,862
then they break
your heart.
451
00:19:42,063 --> 00:19:43,731
Yeah.
452
00:19:44,387 --> 00:19:47,082
I'm really sorry
you have to go through this.
453
00:19:47,112 --> 00:19:48,456
I mean...
454
00:19:48,498 --> 00:19:51,613
it just... it kills me
to see you in pain.
455
00:19:51,796 --> 00:19:54,834
I mean, I-I know
you're a soldier now,
456
00:19:54,970 --> 00:19:58,385
but... you're still
my little baby boy.
457
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:01,063
You know, I-I remember bringing
you home from the hospital,
458
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,998
(choked up): wrapped in your...
fuzzy blue blanket.
459
00:20:04,172 --> 00:20:05,449
(sniffles)
460
00:20:05,502 --> 00:20:08,210
(crying):
I love you so much.
461
00:20:08,784 --> 00:20:10,577
I just...
I-I just wish
462
00:20:10,588 --> 00:20:12,819
I hurt instead
of you.
463
00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:14,940
Dad... it's okay.
464
00:20:14,959 --> 00:20:17,124
No, no, it's not okay!
465
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:19,157
Maybe I should drive.
466
00:20:19,168 --> 00:20:21,470
Yeah, yeah, that's
a good idea.
467
00:20:21,681 --> 00:20:23,332
Thank you.
468
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,173
All I'm saying is,
you can't give up.
469
00:20:26,199 --> 00:20:27,844
Your soul mate's
out there.
470
00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:29,100
Yeah, I don't know, Missi.
471
00:20:29,109 --> 00:20:31,414
You just got to keep
your eyes and your heart open.
472
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,938
You know, you never know
where you're gonna find her.
473
00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:34,342
She could be anywhere
right now. Hey,
474
00:20:34,377 --> 00:20:36,160
she might even be
at a Costco, wearing a apron,
475
00:20:36,162 --> 00:20:38,162
passing out egg rolls, so you
can sample the dipping sauce.
476
00:20:38,164 --> 00:20:40,630
Little tip:
avoid the Chinese mustard.
477
00:20:40,664 --> 00:20:43,592
Feels good going in,
not so good coming out.
478
00:20:44,248 --> 00:20:46,529
Let's just hope I find
her before I get old.
479
00:20:46,550 --> 00:20:48,957
Ooh, then you
better hurry up, Grandpa.
480
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:51,988
Hey, let's make a deal.
481
00:20:52,014 --> 00:20:53,468
Next time you're in town,
482
00:20:53,481 --> 00:20:55,442
assuming you haven't
found anyone
483
00:20:55,458 --> 00:20:56,836
and I haven't found anyone,
484
00:20:56,850 --> 00:20:58,630
what do you say
that you and I...
485
00:20:58,646 --> 00:20:59,978
Ew.
486
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:04,378
I was gonna say
help each other find someone!
487
00:21:04,989 --> 00:21:09,989
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Sync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth