1
00:00:05,511 --> 00:00:06,939
(whistling)
2
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,058
Hey.
3
00:00:08,059 --> 00:00:10,259
Hey.
4
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:15,315
Everything okay?
5
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,250
Yeah.
6
00:00:17,252 --> 00:00:20,403
I just can't remember
what I came down here for.
7
00:00:20,405 --> 00:00:23,773
Oh. That happens
to me all the time.
8
00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:27,977
I-I can't remember
a specific example, but yeah.
9
00:00:27,979 --> 00:00:29,662
Yeah, that's annoying.
10
00:00:29,664 --> 00:00:30,863
Uh, maybe you were hungry.
11
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,698
Did you come down
to get something to eat?
12
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,533
No, I just ate.
13
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,851
Were you going to watch TV?
14
00:00:35,853 --> 00:00:38,588
No. I have a TV
in my room.
15
00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:40,573
This is very disconcerting.
16
00:00:40,575 --> 00:00:43,659
Don't panic. I mean,
we'll figure this out.
17
00:00:43,661 --> 00:00:45,344
Did you come down
to give me the money you owe me?
18
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,046
Ah.
19
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,931
It's worth a shot.
20
00:00:48,933 --> 00:00:51,634
No. I was upstairs,
and I thought to myself,
21
00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:54,353
"I need
to come downstairs and..."
22
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,024
(guttural grunt)
23
00:00:58,026 --> 00:01:00,009
You know what might help?
24
00:01:00,011 --> 00:01:01,193
A little less...
25
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,112
"Whoa, dude, where's my car?"
26
00:01:03,114 --> 00:01:04,847
No, it's not the pot.
27
00:01:04,849 --> 00:01:07,283
I've been smoking pot since...
28
00:01:07,285 --> 00:01:09,952
It's... it's not the pot.
29
00:01:09,954 --> 00:01:12,455
I... What did I come
down here for?
30
00:01:12,457 --> 00:01:15,174
(doorbell rings)
31
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,779
Walden!
32
00:01:19,781 --> 00:01:22,248
Hey!
33
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,000
I remember now.
34
00:01:24,002 --> 00:01:25,334
We have a houseguest.
35
00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:30,205
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
36
00:01:30,207 --> 00:01:33,426
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
37
00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:36,595
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
38
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,731
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
39
00:01:38,733 --> 00:01:41,233
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
40
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,270
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men ♪
41
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:48,191
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
42
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:52,192
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x04 ♪
You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
Original Air Date on October 18, 2012
43
00:01:52,193 --> 00:01:56,193
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
44
00:01:57,212 --> 00:01:59,463
Thank you so much
for sending that car for me.
45
00:01:59,465 --> 00:02:02,016
I mean, I felt like a big
ol' movie star at the airport.
46
00:02:02,018 --> 00:02:04,268
The driver held up a sign
with my name on it,
47
00:02:04,270 --> 00:02:07,388
carried my bags, and even gave
me a bottle of what from Fiji.
48
00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:10,057
It probably
wasn't from Fiji...
49
00:02:10,059 --> 00:02:11,559
Would you look at this house?
50
00:02:11,561 --> 00:02:13,511
I mean, right here
on the ocean.
51
00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:15,112
This is like something
you would see in a magazine,
52
00:02:15,114 --> 00:02:16,347
except there would be
famous people
53
00:02:16,349 --> 00:02:17,748
standing here instead of us.
54
00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:20,368
It is so nice to see you.
55
00:02:20,370 --> 00:02:22,136
Well, it is nice
to see you, too. Let me...
56
00:02:22,138 --> 00:02:23,738
Uh, Missi, let me
introduce you to my friend...
57
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,072
Hi, I'm Missi.
58
00:02:25,074 --> 00:02:26,958
Everyone thinks
it's short for Melissa,
59
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:27,992
but it's actually short
for Mississippi--
60
00:02:27,994 --> 00:02:29,126
the river not the state--
61
00:02:29,128 --> 00:02:30,411
'cause according to my parents,
62
00:02:30,413 --> 00:02:32,046
I was conceived on the deck
of a gambling boat
63
00:02:32,048 --> 00:02:34,749
when my daddy won a $5,000
jackpot on the Caribbean poker.
64
00:02:34,751 --> 00:02:36,834
Wow, that's a...
Have you ever been to the Caribbean?
65
00:02:36,836 --> 00:02:39,036
I went there three years ago
for spring break,
66
00:02:39,038 --> 00:02:41,038
and got stung by a jellyfish.
67
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,673
My friend had to pee on my leg.
68
00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:46,710
Alan.
69
00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:49,597
Uh, it's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
70
00:02:49,599 --> 00:02:51,682
Um, could you direct me
to the little girl's room?
71
00:02:51,684 --> 00:02:53,067
I mean, unless one of y'all
72
00:02:53,069 --> 00:02:55,219
have recently been
stung by a jellyfish.
73
00:02:55,221 --> 00:02:56,354
Oh, it's right here.
74
00:02:56,356 --> 00:02:57,738
Thank you.
75
00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,723
Wow.
76
00:02:59,725 --> 00:03:01,275
She's a pistol.
77
00:03:01,277 --> 00:03:04,862
More like an AK-47.
78
00:03:04,864 --> 00:03:07,365
So, uh, what's, uh...
what's the story here?
79
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:08,749
Uh, you and her...?
80
00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,701
No. She's my old friend
Jerry's daughter... - Oh.
81
00:03:10,703 --> 00:03:13,070
...and she's thinking
about moving here, so I told him
82
00:03:13,072 --> 00:03:16,123
she could stay here for a couple
days, and I'd show her around.
83
00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,626
Mm. She's very pretty.
84
00:03:22,047 --> 00:03:23,431
Yeah?
85
00:03:23,433 --> 00:03:25,633
How old do you think she is?
86
00:03:25,635 --> 00:03:27,051
(laughs)
87
00:03:27,053 --> 00:03:29,854
Like, 18 or 19.
88
00:03:29,856 --> 00:03:31,272
Oh, perfect.
You might lose a friend,
89
00:03:31,274 --> 00:03:32,556
but you won't go to jail.
90
00:03:32,558 --> 00:03:34,141
(laughs)
91
00:03:36,094 --> 00:03:39,897
Ow! Hey! Hey, hey, don't hit
me 'cause you can't hit that.
92
00:03:39,899 --> 00:03:42,400
Ow!
93
00:03:44,536 --> 00:03:45,903
♪ Men. ♪
94
00:03:45,905 --> 00:03:48,656
MISSI:
Oh, my,
95
00:03:48,658 --> 00:03:50,441
God, the weather
here is amazing.
96
00:03:50,443 --> 00:03:52,827
You know, I could just
lay out in the sun
97
00:03:52,829 --> 00:03:54,745
all day just like
a big ol' lizard.
98
00:03:54,747 --> 00:03:56,831
Back home,
I have to get a spray tan, and
99
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:58,132
sometimes it comes
out a little orange,
100
00:03:58,134 --> 00:03:59,550
which is totally fine
during Halloween
101
00:03:59,552 --> 00:04:01,118
'cause I can always say
that I'm going as a pumpkin.
102
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,720
Oh, that's interesting.
I love
103
00:04:02,722 --> 00:04:05,139
Halloween. Last year, I went
to this party as a slutty nurse,
104
00:04:05,141 --> 00:04:07,391
and then, the year before that,
I was a slutty cat,
105
00:04:07,393 --> 00:04:09,260
and the year before that,
I was a ladybug.
106
00:04:09,262 --> 00:04:10,461
A slutty ladybug?
107
00:04:10,463 --> 00:04:13,564
What? No!
Why would I be a slutty ladybug?
108
00:04:13,566 --> 00:04:15,599
Oh, I just...
109
00:04:15,601 --> 00:04:17,401
So...
...thought since you were...
110
00:04:17,403 --> 00:04:19,136
...what's the deal
with this Alan guy anyways?
111
00:04:19,138 --> 00:04:21,772
Oh, we...
Y'all, like, gay for each other or something?
112
00:04:21,774 --> 00:04:23,190
I mean, it's totally fine
if you are.
113
00:04:23,192 --> 00:04:24,775
I have a gay friend.
His name is Russell.
114
00:04:24,777 --> 00:04:27,328
I got him to make out with me
one time, but it didn't take.
115
00:04:27,330 --> 00:04:29,864
No. We... we
are not gay.
116
00:04:29,866 --> 00:04:32,583
We are definitely not gay.
117
00:04:32,585 --> 00:04:34,535
Uh...
118
00:04:34,537 --> 00:04:36,871
So, your dad tells me
that you're, um...
119
00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:38,255
you're thinking
about relocating.
120
00:04:38,257 --> 00:04:39,373
Well, to be honest with you,
121
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:40,958
I'm not really sure
what I want to do.
122
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,927
You know, I can always keep
working as a dental assistant.
123
00:04:42,929 --> 00:04:44,879
You know, that person that sucks
the spit out of your mouth
124
00:04:44,881 --> 00:04:46,213
with that little wetvac
Yes.
125
00:04:46,215 --> 00:04:48,349
and then gives you the free
toothbrush and the lollipop.
126
00:04:48,351 --> 00:04:50,034
You do know
what the lollipop's for, right?
127
00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:52,603
Well, I'm assuming...
Repeat business.
128
00:04:52,605 --> 00:04:54,105
You know,
129
00:04:54,107 --> 00:04:56,307
if it were up to me, I'd just
give them caramel apple
130
00:04:56,309 --> 00:04:57,475
or a little taffy or something.
131
00:04:57,477 --> 00:04:59,059
Pull their teeth right out
of their little heads.
132
00:04:59,061 --> 00:05:01,345
Now, that's how
you make money off children.
133
00:05:01,347 --> 00:05:04,532
Well, that
and baby beauty pageants.
134
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:06,851
Right.
135
00:05:06,853 --> 00:05:09,220
So, uh...
Do you have a girlfriend?
136
00:05:09,222 --> 00:05:11,205
Uh... no, I do not.
137
00:05:11,207 --> 00:05:13,407
I just went through a breakup.
138
00:05:13,409 --> 00:05:14,992
Oh, you poor baby.
139
00:05:14,994 --> 00:05:16,527
I am so sorry.
140
00:05:16,529 --> 00:05:18,412
Could you put some
suntan lotion on my back?
141
00:05:18,414 --> 00:05:19,747
Uh, sure.
142
00:05:19,749 --> 00:05:22,032
Thanks.
143
00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:27,138
Okay.
144
00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:29,673
Well, don't forget
to rubba-dub-dub.
145
00:05:29,675 --> 00:05:31,008
Rubba-dub-dub?
146
00:05:31,010 --> 00:05:32,543
Yeah, you got to rub it in.
147
00:05:32,545 --> 00:05:33,761
Oh.
148
00:05:33,763 --> 00:05:36,046
(laughing):
Okay.
149
00:05:37,215 --> 00:05:39,416
Would you be offended
if I popped the girls out?
150
00:05:39,418 --> 00:05:40,401
What?
151
00:05:40,403 --> 00:05:41,885
You know, get a little color
152
00:05:41,887 --> 00:05:43,721
on Kim and Khloe.
153
00:05:43,723 --> 00:05:46,373
Kim and Khloe...
154
00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:48,576
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
155
00:05:49,494 --> 00:05:50,661
Well,
156
00:05:50,663 --> 00:05:51,728
where you going?
157
00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:53,564
Uh, I just need to do this thing
158
00:05:53,566 --> 00:05:55,082
that I need to do.
159
00:05:55,084 --> 00:05:56,500
(laughs)
160
00:05:57,752 --> 00:06:01,705
Okay. I'll be right here.
Take care.
161
00:06:01,707 --> 00:06:03,240
♪ Men. ♪
162
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,126
MISSI: You know, I had an electric car,
too, when I was little.
163
00:06:06,128 --> 00:06:07,314
You know, like one of those
little Barbie Jeeps.
164
00:06:07,339 --> 00:06:07,996
Uh-huh.
165
00:06:07,997 --> 00:06:10,698
But this one time, I
left it out in the rain,
166
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,049
so the battery died.
Uh-huh.
167
00:06:12,051 --> 00:06:14,168
So my dad had to drill two
little holes in the floorboard
168
00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:15,252
so I could stick my feet through
169
00:06:15,254 --> 00:06:16,587
and pedal it
just like Fred Flintstone.
170
00:06:16,589 --> 00:06:18,255
BOTH:
Yabba-dabba-doo!
171
00:06:18,257 --> 00:06:19,640
Hey.
172
00:06:19,642 --> 00:06:21,108
Hey. Where have
you guys been?
173
00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:23,477
Uh, we went...
Walden took me to the Santa Monica Pier.
174
00:06:23,479 --> 00:06:25,095
I actually got one
of those churros.
175
00:06:25,097 --> 00:06:27,948
You know, it's like a... like a
doughnut, but long and Mexican.
176
00:06:29,201 --> 00:06:30,401
Oh, hey. I'm Missi.
177
00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:32,036
Are you Alan's
girlfriend?
178
00:06:32,038 --> 00:06:34,288
Hell, no!
No!
179
00:06:34,290 --> 00:06:36,106
No, Berta is
my housekeeper.
180
00:06:36,108 --> 00:06:37,491
Oh, cool.
181
00:06:37,493 --> 00:06:38,742
When I was in high school,
182
00:06:38,744 --> 00:06:40,828
I used to clean rooms
at the Howard Johnson Hotel.
183
00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:42,112
People are disgusting.
184
00:06:42,114 --> 00:06:43,464
I walked into a bathroom
one time,
185
00:06:43,466 --> 00:06:45,299
and it looked
like a cow had exploded.
186
00:06:46,134 --> 00:06:47,334
Excuse me.
187
00:06:47,336 --> 00:06:49,720
That churro's heading
back to the border.
188
00:06:50,589 --> 00:06:52,590
That, my friends,
is what you get
189
00:06:52,592 --> 00:06:54,458
when hillbillies
have unprotected sex
190
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:56,627
with hummingbirds.
191
00:07:00,065 --> 00:07:02,066
No. No trouble at all, Jerry.
192
00:07:02,068 --> 00:07:03,317
She's a great kid.
193
00:07:03,319 --> 00:07:05,486
Takes after her old man.
194
00:07:06,688 --> 00:07:08,856
Uh-huh.
195
00:07:09,691 --> 00:07:11,859
Uh-huh.
196
00:07:13,628 --> 00:07:15,812
Uh-huh.
197
00:07:16,915 --> 00:07:19,783
Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting
another call. I got...
198
00:07:19,785 --> 00:07:22,052
Uh-huh.
199
00:07:23,588 --> 00:07:25,489
Uh-huh.
200
00:07:25,491 --> 00:07:28,842
You know, I love you dearly,
Jerry, but you got to shut up.
201
00:07:31,663 --> 00:07:33,847
Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.
202
00:07:34,883 --> 00:07:36,717
(knocking)
Yeah?
203
00:07:36,719 --> 00:07:39,169
Hi.
204
00:07:39,171 --> 00:07:41,138
Hey, I just got off the phone
with your dad.
205
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:43,107
He was just calling to see how...
Oh, Lord,
206
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:44,358
that man can talk.
207
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,859
I swear, he doesn't even pause
to take a breath.
208
00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:47,027
Do you have a sec?
209
00:07:47,029 --> 00:07:48,529
Uh, sure.
210
00:07:50,198 --> 00:07:51,365
(grunts)
211
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,016
Okay, yeah,
have-have a seat.
212
00:07:53,018 --> 00:07:54,451
Uh...
Wow.
213
00:07:54,453 --> 00:07:56,704
This is a nice bed.
214
00:07:56,706 --> 00:07:58,572
I bet you could do
some serious drilling
215
00:07:58,574 --> 00:08:01,709
on a workbench
like this, huh?
216
00:08:01,711 --> 00:08:05,245
Yeah. So you wanted to
talk to me about something?
217
00:08:05,247 --> 00:08:07,665
Do you remember the last time
that we saw each other?
218
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,216
At dinner?
219
00:08:09,218 --> 00:08:10,334
No, silly. I'm talking about
220
00:08:10,336 --> 00:08:11,868
when I was, like,
eight years old,
221
00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:15,005
and you came to visit us, and
we all went to the state fair.
222
00:08:15,007 --> 00:08:16,707
Okay, I remember that.
223
00:08:16,709 --> 00:08:18,676
Remember you had
to take me and my mom
224
00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:20,010
'cause my dad was working late?
225
00:08:20,012 --> 00:08:22,646
And we ate cotton candy
for dinner, and then you won me
226
00:08:22,648 --> 00:08:24,548
that little stuffed pig
in the squirt-gun horse race?
227
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:26,483
I used to practice
my kissing on him.
228
00:08:26,485 --> 00:08:29,520
That's a lucky pig.
229
00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:31,939
Eventually, I wore out all
the terry cloth on his snout,
230
00:08:31,941 --> 00:08:34,658
but it was actually okay, 'cause
by that time, I changed over
231
00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:37,611
to real boys, which, turns out
a couple of them were pigs, too.
232
00:08:37,613 --> 00:08:39,113
Yeah, pigs.
233
00:08:39,115 --> 00:08:42,950
Do you want a robe or a blanket
or a suit of armor?
234
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:44,335
Oh, no, no, no, no.
235
00:08:44,337 --> 00:08:47,004
I'm fine. And remember, I wanted
to go on the tilt-a-whirl,
236
00:08:47,006 --> 00:08:48,422
but my mom was too scared,
237
00:08:48,424 --> 00:08:49,957
so you said you'd sit next
to her, but I wanted you
238
00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:51,425
to sit next to me,
so you sat in between us,
239
00:08:51,427 --> 00:08:52,593
and you held both of our hands?
240
00:08:52,595 --> 00:08:54,294
But actually, you were
the one that got scared
241
00:08:54,296 --> 00:08:55,512
and started praying real loud.
242
00:08:55,514 --> 00:08:57,598
"Oh, Lord,
please get me off this ride!"
243
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,050
I think you even tinkled
a little bit.
244
00:09:00,052 --> 00:09:02,853
Oh, it's a good memory.
245
00:09:02,855 --> 00:09:06,390
I remember 'cause it was one
of the best days ever.
246
00:09:06,392 --> 00:09:08,475
Aw.
247
00:09:08,477 --> 00:09:10,427
(laughs)
248
00:09:10,429 --> 00:09:11,729
Are you lonely?
249
00:09:11,731 --> 00:09:16,116
Uh, you know, I-I got Alan.
250
00:09:17,819 --> 00:09:20,571
Yeah, but Alan doesn't
keep you warm at night.
251
00:09:20,573 --> 00:09:22,039
You'd be surprised.
252
00:09:22,041 --> 00:09:24,107
'Cause he, uh...
253
00:09:24,109 --> 00:09:26,960
Listen, um, I have this idea.
254
00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:30,497
You know, you might think
that it's kind of crazy.
255
00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:31,965
Okay.
256
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:35,302
I was just thinking,
you know, since you're single,
257
00:09:35,304 --> 00:09:38,455
and-and you're super hot
and a really nice guy...
258
00:09:38,457 --> 00:09:40,123
Yeah.
259
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:42,259
That, you know, maybe
260
00:09:42,261 --> 00:09:44,845
you'd like to hook up
with my mom.
261
00:09:51,986 --> 00:09:54,238
What?
262
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,273
She's been all alone
ever since my daddy ran off
263
00:09:56,275 --> 00:09:57,658
with that lady
from the dry cleaners--
264
00:09:57,660 --> 00:09:59,276
you know, the one
with that weird eye
265
00:09:59,278 --> 00:10:00,661
that won't quite open
all the way.
266
00:10:00,663 --> 00:10:02,613
Probably from all
them dry cleaning fumes.
267
00:10:02,615 --> 00:10:03,914
You know, we should have
seen it coming.
268
00:10:03,916 --> 00:10:05,449
She gave him all the clothes
that nobody claimed.
269
00:10:05,451 --> 00:10:06,784
He had, like, four tuxedos.
270
00:10:06,786 --> 00:10:08,535
Wait. Wait.
271
00:10:08,537 --> 00:10:11,004
You want to set me
up with your mom?
272
00:10:11,006 --> 00:10:12,656
She kind of always
had a thing for you,
273
00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,258
but she would kill me
if I told you.
274
00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:17,327
Okay, Missi, I don't
think that's a good idea...
275
00:10:17,329 --> 00:10:19,463
Just think about it, okay?
276
00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:20,931
Okay.
277
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:23,166
Great.
278
00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:24,935
Oh, and if it helps at all,
279
00:10:24,937 --> 00:10:26,470
she actually just got
her boobs done.
280
00:10:26,472 --> 00:10:27,938
They actually used mine
as a model.
281
00:10:27,940 --> 00:10:30,140
The doctor even put 'em
in his catalogue-- number 244.
282
00:10:30,142 --> 00:10:31,542
Anyone can't get 'em,
283
00:10:31,544 --> 00:10:33,343
but it's kind of weird now
when I walk around town
284
00:10:33,345 --> 00:10:35,646
I just keep thinking
I see my boobs everywhere.
285
00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:37,815
Good night.
286
00:10:40,401 --> 00:10:41,685
(door closes)
287
00:10:41,687 --> 00:10:44,655
(quietly):
Her mom?
288
00:10:46,708 --> 00:10:48,342
When did I
become the guy
289
00:10:48,344 --> 00:10:50,577
that the hot 19-year-old
looks at and goes,
290
00:10:50,579 --> 00:10:53,814
(Southern accent): "Hey, you'd be great
for my mom"?
291
00:10:53,816 --> 00:10:55,082
Count your blessings.
292
00:10:55,084 --> 00:10:56,667
One of my patients
tried to set me up
293
00:10:56,669 --> 00:10:58,385
with her 70-year-old
grandmother.
294
00:10:58,387 --> 00:10:59,436
No...
295
00:10:59,438 --> 00:11:01,371
Yeah, yeah,
we dated for three months,
296
00:11:01,373 --> 00:11:02,723
and then, um...
297
00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:03,807
one day I showed up
298
00:11:03,809 --> 00:11:05,876
and she couldn't remember
who I was.
299
00:11:05,878 --> 00:11:07,478
So we dated another two months.
300
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,212
And, um...
301
00:11:09,214 --> 00:11:10,764
every day was new again
302
00:11:10,766 --> 00:11:13,267
until finally I got tired
of introducing myself.
303
00:11:13,269 --> 00:11:14,985
Oh!
304
00:11:14,987 --> 00:11:16,236
But then six months later,
305
00:11:16,238 --> 00:11:18,422
she sent me a ten-dollar check
on my birthday.
306
00:11:18,424 --> 00:11:19,740
(door closes)
307
00:11:19,742 --> 00:11:21,492
JAKE:
Hello?
308
00:11:23,278 --> 00:11:26,062
Jake?
309
00:11:26,064 --> 00:11:28,165
(chuckles)
WALDEN: Hey!
310
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,399
What are you
doing here?
311
00:11:29,401 --> 00:11:31,285
I got a weekend pass,
so I took a train in
312
00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:32,402
to surprise you guys.
313
00:11:32,404 --> 00:11:33,704
Hi, soldier!
314
00:11:33,706 --> 00:11:34,838
Hello.
315
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,006
You must be Jake.
316
00:11:36,008 --> 00:11:37,374
I'm sleeping in your room.
317
00:11:37,376 --> 00:11:40,544
Well, God bless America.
318
00:11:41,746 --> 00:11:44,047
♪ Men. ♪
319
00:11:48,312 --> 00:11:50,864
It is so nice to meet you.
I'm Missi.
320
00:11:50,866 --> 00:11:52,382
Short for Mississippi,
not Melissa.
321
00:11:52,384 --> 00:11:54,751
She got stung by
a jellyfish and peed-on.
322
00:11:54,753 --> 00:11:56,252
Thank you.
323
00:11:56,254 --> 00:11:58,922
Are you, like, one of those
Navy SEAL guys?
324
00:11:58,924 --> 00:12:00,256
They are so awesome.
325
00:12:00,258 --> 00:12:01,608
No, I'm just a cook.
326
00:12:01,610 --> 00:12:03,176
Well, that's cool, too.
327
00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:04,827
Without food, everybody dies.
328
00:12:04,829 --> 00:12:06,012
That's so...
This one time, I found this
329
00:12:06,014 --> 00:12:07,614
little baby bird
that fell out of a tree
330
00:12:07,616 --> 00:12:09,849
and landed in my backyard
and he was almost dead.
331
00:12:09,851 --> 00:12:11,601
So I started feeding him
with this little eyedropper
332
00:12:11,603 --> 00:12:14,471
full of warm milk. "Eat
little bird, eat little bird."
333
00:12:14,473 --> 00:12:16,022
And eat he did.
Within a week,
334
00:12:16,024 --> 00:12:18,725
I was chewing up crackers and
spitting 'em right in his mouth.
335
00:12:18,727 --> 00:12:20,860
And when he finally had enough
strength to fly on his own,
336
00:12:20,862 --> 00:12:22,645
I opened up that box
and set him free.
337
00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:23,947
No kidding.
It was one
338
00:12:23,949 --> 00:12:26,065
of the most beautiful things
I had ever seen.
339
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:28,368
But he got about ten feet up
in the air
340
00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:30,353
before my cat launched himself
off that picnic table
341
00:12:30,355 --> 00:12:31,371
and caught him right in midair.
342
00:12:31,373 --> 00:12:32,822
I mean, he didn't even
have to chew--
343
00:12:32,824 --> 00:12:34,524
just one gulp
and that bird was gone.
344
00:12:34,526 --> 00:12:37,360
But... I didn't have to
feed Mr. Mittens that day.
345
00:12:37,362 --> 00:12:39,712
So I know how important food is.
346
00:12:40,581 --> 00:12:42,365
Thanks. Uh, if you're hungry,
347
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:43,750
I could...
I would love something to eat!
348
00:12:43,752 --> 00:12:45,718
Oh. Okay.
349
00:12:47,371 --> 00:12:48,755
All right,
well, uh...
350
00:12:48,757 --> 00:12:50,223
welcome back!
351
00:12:51,058 --> 00:12:53,042
Good catching up.
352
00:12:53,044 --> 00:12:54,344
(sighs)
That was like
353
00:12:54,346 --> 00:12:57,430
being there the first time
Beavis met Butthead.
354
00:12:57,432 --> 00:13:00,433
Wait till Beavis sees Butthead
in a bikini.
355
00:13:00,435 --> 00:13:04,354
God. You remember falling
that hard and fast for a girl?
356
00:13:04,356 --> 00:13:05,989
I remember the fast part.
357
00:13:05,991 --> 00:13:08,658
Kind of a relief those
days are behind us, huh?
358
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,693
Behind you.
359
00:13:10,695 --> 00:13:12,445
These are my days.
360
00:13:12,447 --> 00:13:15,281
Oh, no, I wasn't saying...
No, I am young, Alan.
361
00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:16,749
I am young!
362
00:13:16,751 --> 00:13:18,401
Fine, fine, you're young.
363
00:13:18,403 --> 00:13:19,869
Where you going?
364
00:13:20,871 --> 00:13:24,073
I don't remember.
365
00:13:24,075 --> 00:13:25,241
(sighs)
366
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:29,879
Mmm. Kid makes
good chili.
367
00:13:29,881 --> 00:13:31,514
Glad you like it.
368
00:13:31,516 --> 00:13:33,249
We have enough...
369
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:35,418
for a month.
370
00:13:36,437 --> 00:13:37,971
Why?
371
00:13:37,973 --> 00:13:39,522
The recipe was
for a platoon,
372
00:13:39,524 --> 00:13:42,642
and math is not his strong suit.
373
00:13:42,644 --> 00:13:44,777
Where'd he take "Oh, my God,
this place is beautiful.
374
00:13:44,779 --> 00:13:47,230
"Does that ocean go all the way
to Hawaii? I love Hawaii.
375
00:13:47,232 --> 00:13:50,149
You know 'aloha' means
'hello' and 'good-bye'"?
376
00:13:50,951 --> 00:13:52,619
They went for a walk
on the beach,
377
00:13:52,621 --> 00:13:54,204
which, you know,
has more grains of sand
378
00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:55,771
than there are stars
in the entire Milky Way.
379
00:13:55,773 --> 00:13:57,607
Speaking of which, do you like
Snickers or Milky Way?
380
00:13:57,609 --> 00:13:59,042
I like Three Musketeers.
381
00:14:00,244 --> 00:14:02,245
Even though I don't know
what nougat is.
382
00:14:06,383 --> 00:14:07,322
WALDEN: Hey, what you doing?
383
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,928
Missi and I are hanging out
on the beach.
384
00:14:09,287 --> 00:14:11,004
Am I gonna see you at all
while you're home?
385
00:14:11,006 --> 00:14:13,256
Oh, uh-huh, yeah, sure.
386
00:14:13,258 --> 00:14:15,174
You're never gonna see him.
387
00:14:15,176 --> 00:14:16,309
Hey, Missi told me
388
00:14:16,311 --> 00:14:17,977
she's trying to set you up
with her mom.
389
00:14:17,979 --> 00:14:19,128
How cool would that be?
390
00:14:19,130 --> 00:14:21,147
If you married her mom
and I married Missi,
391
00:14:21,149 --> 00:14:22,665
you'd be my stepdad.
392
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,517
Yeah, really cool.
393
00:14:24,519 --> 00:14:26,736
All right. See you later, Dad.
394
00:14:26,738 --> 00:14:28,905
And Dad.
395
00:14:30,807 --> 00:14:33,276
You know, if they have kids,
we'd be their grandpappies.
396
00:14:33,278 --> 00:14:35,478
Ow!
397
00:14:38,249 --> 00:14:39,649
Well, to make
a long story short,
398
00:14:39,651 --> 00:14:41,367
I ate all the wafers,
which is why
399
00:14:41,369 --> 00:14:43,653
you should never smoke pot
before you go to church.
400
00:14:43,655 --> 00:14:46,122
That's funny. This one
time, me and my friend...
401
00:14:46,124 --> 00:14:47,957
Do you want
to hear a joke?
402
00:14:47,959 --> 00:14:48,925
Sure.
403
00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:51,127
What do gay horse eat?
What?
404
00:14:51,129 --> 00:14:52,929
Haaaaay!
405
00:14:52,931 --> 00:14:55,048
Can I ask you something?
406
00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:56,883
Any...
Do you think I talk too much?
407
00:14:56,885 --> 00:14:58,885
No, I love listening
to you talk.
408
00:14:58,887 --> 00:15:00,770
I mean, it's funny. Normally...
You are just
409
00:15:00,772 --> 00:15:01,771
so sweet.
410
00:15:01,773 --> 00:15:03,189
I swear I could
just eat you up,
411
00:15:03,191 --> 00:15:04,774
but, you know, then I'd
probably get a sugar rush,
412
00:15:04,776 --> 00:15:06,142
'cause you are just so sweet,
and if you think
413
00:15:06,144 --> 00:15:08,561
I talk a lot now, you should
really hear me after I...
414
00:15:10,281 --> 00:15:11,781
Well, I am definitely
gonna shut up now,
415
00:15:11,783 --> 00:15:12,899
'cause you're
a really good kisser,
416
00:15:12,901 --> 00:15:14,317
and the last thing
I want to do is...
417
00:15:19,523 --> 00:15:20,490
(Alan chuckles)
418
00:15:20,492 --> 00:15:22,625
Look at you
making breakfast.
419
00:15:22,627 --> 00:15:23,910
It's what the army
trains you to do
420
00:15:23,912 --> 00:15:26,296
when you keep
dropping a loaded gun.
421
00:15:26,298 --> 00:15:27,914
Here, have a cup of coffee.
422
00:15:27,916 --> 00:15:28,798
Oh, thank you.
423
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,583
You want to hear a joke?
Sure.
424
00:15:30,585 --> 00:15:31,918
What do gay horses eat?
425
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:32,552
Mm...
426
00:15:32,554 --> 00:15:34,087
(flatly):
Hay.
427
00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,993
(whooshing)
428
00:15:45,516 --> 00:15:48,184
So, uh, when do you leave
for the base?
429
00:15:48,186 --> 00:15:49,936
Oh, my train leaves at 4:00.
430
00:15:49,938 --> 00:15:52,054
Mm. I'll give you a ride
to the station.
431
00:15:52,056 --> 00:15:53,189
Thanks.
432
00:15:53,191 --> 00:15:54,657
Are you kidding?
It's the only time
433
00:15:54,659 --> 00:15:56,159
I'm gonna get
to spend with you.
434
00:15:56,161 --> 00:15:58,361
So, uh, how was sleeping
on that couch last night?
435
00:15:59,396 --> 00:16:02,365
Oh, you know, it was
a little lumpy, but...
436
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,283
better than sleeping
with 60 guys
437
00:16:04,285 --> 00:16:08,287
coughing, farting, and getting
all romantic with themselves.
438
00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:11,073
Missi still sleeping?
439
00:16:11,075 --> 00:16:13,176
No, she's in the shower.
440
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,381
Oops.
441
00:16:19,249 --> 00:16:20,383
No, it's fine.
442
00:16:20,385 --> 00:16:22,268
Sh-She seems
like a nice girl.
443
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,886
You have no idea.
444
00:16:26,089 --> 00:16:27,523
Well, if you'll
excuse me,
445
00:16:27,525 --> 00:16:29,542
I'm gonna take her some breakfast.
Mm.
446
00:16:29,544 --> 00:16:32,645
As you can imagine,
we worked up quite the appetite.
447
00:16:32,647 --> 00:16:33,946
Right.
448
00:16:36,617 --> 00:16:39,068
And... when I say
"worked up an appetite,"
449
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:42,288
you understand...
I got it, I got it.
450
00:16:44,324 --> 00:16:47,794
I really loved hanging out
with you this weekend.
451
00:16:48,629 --> 00:16:50,797
Cool.
452
00:16:50,799 --> 00:16:52,382
Uh... yeah.
453
00:16:52,384 --> 00:16:54,751
So, listen, I get another pass
in, like, a month,
454
00:16:54,753 --> 00:16:56,586
so maybe we can see
each other then.
455
00:16:56,588 --> 00:16:58,421
Maybe.
456
00:16:58,423 --> 00:17:00,456
Are... you feeling all right?
457
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:01,791
You're awful quiet.
458
00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:04,594
Well, here's the thing, Jake.
(horn honks)
459
00:17:04,596 --> 00:17:07,680
Hang on, Dad!
There's a thing!
460
00:17:07,682 --> 00:17:09,065
What's the thing?
461
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,851
I sort of have a boyfriend.
462
00:17:11,853 --> 00:17:13,319
A boyfriend?
463
00:17:13,321 --> 00:17:15,238
Well, technically we broke up
464
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,406
because I was tired of him
465
00:17:16,408 --> 00:17:17,690
always putting his career
ahead of me.
466
00:17:17,692 --> 00:17:18,858
He's a doctor.
467
00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:20,993
Well, not a real doctor,
a glass doctor.
468
00:17:20,995 --> 00:17:22,812
You know, like if you get
a crack in your windshield,
469
00:17:22,814 --> 00:17:24,414
he will come right
to your driveway and fix it
470
00:17:24,416 --> 00:17:25,915
in less than half an hour,
guaranteed.
471
00:17:25,917 --> 00:17:27,166
So...
472
00:17:27,168 --> 00:17:28,984
Anyway, he sent me
this e-mail this morning
473
00:17:28,986 --> 00:17:31,337
saying that he wants
to try things again, but...
474
00:17:31,339 --> 00:17:33,923
now I really like you.
It's just that...
475
00:17:33,925 --> 00:17:36,542
Zach and I have been together
for, like, six months,
476
00:17:36,544 --> 00:17:38,594
and we even went
to a wedding together.
477
00:17:38,596 --> 00:17:40,680
I can't just throw that away.
478
00:17:41,515 --> 00:17:43,633
But, I thought you...
479
00:17:45,219 --> 00:17:46,469
Good-bye, Jake.
480
00:17:48,639 --> 00:17:50,973
Don't be a hero.
481
00:17:56,313 --> 00:17:58,848
What the hell just happened?
482
00:17:58,850 --> 00:18:00,783
♪ Men. ♪
483
00:18:05,722 --> 00:18:08,274
You and Missi make plans
to see each other again?
484
00:18:08,276 --> 00:18:10,009
No.
485
00:18:10,011 --> 00:18:11,744
Why? I-I thought
you two were, uh...
486
00:18:11,746 --> 00:18:14,179
I thought so, too.
487
00:18:14,181 --> 00:18:16,365
Oh.
488
00:18:18,318 --> 00:18:19,685
If it helps...
489
00:18:19,687 --> 00:18:21,854
It doesn't.
490
00:18:22,706 --> 00:18:24,907
Okay. Okay.
491
00:18:27,244 --> 00:18:28,794
I remember
my first...
492
00:18:28,796 --> 00:18:30,463
Dad.
493
00:18:30,465 --> 00:18:32,665
Gotcha.
494
00:18:36,369 --> 00:18:38,054
Does it get any easier?
495
00:18:38,056 --> 00:18:39,639
Oh, God, no.
496
00:18:39,641 --> 00:18:42,808
But... the human mind
is a wonderful thing.
497
00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:44,977
It forgets pain, so you can...
498
00:18:44,979 --> 00:18:47,847
go out and get some more.
499
00:18:48,682 --> 00:18:50,549
She has a boyfriend
back home.
500
00:18:50,551 --> 00:18:53,218
A doctor.
501
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:56,022
How am I supposed
to compete with that?
502
00:18:56,024 --> 00:18:58,157
Let me ask you something, Jake.
503
00:18:58,159 --> 00:18:59,992
Knowing what you know now,
504
00:18:59,994 --> 00:19:01,911
and feeling how you feel now,
505
00:19:01,913 --> 00:19:04,163
would you have done anything
differently?
506
00:19:04,998 --> 00:19:06,282
No.
507
00:19:06,284 --> 00:19:09,118
I just would've done it
a few more times.
508
00:19:09,953 --> 00:19:12,204
There you go.
509
00:19:12,206 --> 00:19:14,457
That's what
love's all about.
510
00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:19,261
Hey.
511
00:19:19,263 --> 00:19:20,932
So, I just got off
the phone with my mom.
512
00:19:20,957 --> 00:19:22,099
Oh, yeah?
513
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,684
She's really looking forward
to hearing from you.
514
00:19:24,686 --> 00:19:26,135
(chuckles)
515
00:19:26,137 --> 00:19:28,220
Gee, I-I don't know, Missi.
516
00:19:28,222 --> 00:19:30,222
I'm... I'm not sure
it's a good idea.
517
00:19:30,224 --> 00:19:32,892
I mean, I know your mom and dad
aren't together anymore,
518
00:19:32,894 --> 00:19:34,760
but your dad's an
old friend and...
519
00:19:34,762 --> 00:19:36,445
Here's a recent
picture of her.
520
00:19:41,318 --> 00:19:44,236
Then again, I haven't
seen him in years. I...
521
00:19:44,238 --> 00:19:46,455
Great. I'll go tell her
that you're gonna call.
522
00:19:46,457 --> 00:19:48,606
Hey, wait. Wait
a second. I...
523
00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:50,125
Yeah?
524
00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:53,829
I'm flattered that you think
I'd be good for your mom,
525
00:19:53,831 --> 00:19:55,613
but I was just curious
526
00:19:55,615 --> 00:19:59,885
at any point in time,
did you think that...
527
00:19:59,887 --> 00:20:02,220
maybe you and me...?
528
00:20:02,222 --> 00:20:03,638
Ew.
529
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,811
A simple "no" would suffice.
530
00:20:09,813 --> 00:20:13,813
== sync, corrected by elderman ==