1
00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:06,955
(romantic music playing on TV)
2
00:00:10,393 --> 00:00:13,562
(romantic music continues on TV)
3
00:00:15,931 --> 00:00:18,132
(turns off TV)
4
00:00:20,036 --> 00:00:21,336
Are you happy?
5
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:24,139
I was before you ate
that last garlic knot.
6
00:00:24,141 --> 00:00:26,275
Oh, I'm serious.
I mean, don't you think
7
00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:28,043
our relationship has become
a little bit predictable?
8
00:00:28,045 --> 00:00:30,345
Predictable? Yes.
9
00:00:30,347 --> 00:00:32,981
Why do you ask?
Well, I was thinking
10
00:00:32,983 --> 00:00:35,217
that maybe we could
spice things up a little.
11
00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:37,653
What'd you have in mind?
12
00:00:37,655 --> 00:00:39,655
Well, um...
13
00:00:39,657 --> 00:00:42,726
I have been reading
Fifty Shades of Grey.
14
00:00:42,728 --> 00:00:44,194
Oh.
15
00:00:44,196 --> 00:00:48,965
And I have some silk scarves
and, uh, some duct tape.
16
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,967
Do you see this
taking place in a bedroom
17
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:53,403
or the back
of a panel van?
18
00:00:53,405 --> 00:00:55,238
I don't know. I'm only
halfway through the book.
19
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,174
Forget the book.
20
00:00:57,176 --> 00:00:59,910
What about you?
Do you have any fantasies?
21
00:00:59,912 --> 00:01:01,244
Ugh, of course I do.
22
00:01:01,246 --> 00:01:03,947
If lived only my regular
life, I'd eat a rifle.
23
00:01:03,949 --> 00:01:05,715
Tell me one.
24
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:08,285
Well, I...
25
00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:10,521
guess I always
wanted to...
26
00:01:10,523 --> 00:01:13,357
take some naughty
pictures of you. (chuckles nervously)
27
00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:15,359
We could do that.
Really?
28
00:01:15,361 --> 00:01:18,362
Yeah, why not? There's already
a lot available online.
29
00:01:21,233 --> 00:01:22,533
What else?
30
00:01:22,535 --> 00:01:24,335
Oh, well, I-I-I guess
31
00:01:24,337 --> 00:01:27,604
it's a-a cliché
for a guy, but, um...
32
00:01:27,606 --> 00:01:30,875
I've always wanted
to have a-a threesome.
33
00:01:30,877 --> 00:01:32,543
(chuckles)
Okay.
34
00:01:32,545 --> 00:01:34,144
Now, I know
it's silly. I know.
35
00:01:34,146 --> 00:01:36,246
No, I mean, okay,
we can do it.
36
00:01:37,549 --> 00:01:39,216
If you are messing
with me,
37
00:01:39,218 --> 00:01:42,119
there is no way
I will ever forgive you!
38
00:01:42,121 --> 00:01:44,622
I'm not messing with you.
39
00:01:44,624 --> 00:01:46,324
Seriously, we can
have a threesome?
40
00:01:46,326 --> 00:01:49,160
- Come on, you'd do the same for me.
- Of course I would.
41
00:01:49,162 --> 00:01:51,429
Good, 'cause I have
a fantasy of my own.
42
00:01:51,431 --> 00:01:53,531
Oh, hmm, lay it
on me, baby. (chuckles)
43
00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:55,934
I want to have
a threesome also.
44
00:01:55,936 --> 00:01:57,836
See? See?
45
00:01:57,838 --> 00:02:00,939
This is why communication is
so important in a relationship.
46
00:02:00,941 --> 00:02:02,341
I mean, two minutes ago
47
00:02:02,343 --> 00:02:04,209
I didn't care if
you lived or died.
48
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:09,514
Now I love you more than
any man has ever loved a woman.
49
00:02:09,516 --> 00:02:10,815
You complete me,
50
00:02:10,817 --> 00:02:13,317
but add another chick
and I'll complete myself.
51
00:02:13,319 --> 00:02:15,086
Great!
52
00:02:15,088 --> 00:02:16,488
So what's your
pleasure, treasure?
53
00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:17,522
Blonde? Brunette?
54
00:02:17,524 --> 00:02:19,491
Someone with a little
junk in the trunk?
55
00:02:19,493 --> 00:02:20,658
No, no.
56
00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:22,894
In my threesome, there's you, me,
Mm-hmm?
57
00:02:22,896 --> 00:02:24,729
and another guy.
58
00:02:33,273 --> 00:02:35,340
An-Another guy?
59
00:02:35,342 --> 00:02:36,341
Yep.
60
00:02:36,343 --> 00:02:39,244
(hisses)
Boy, I don't know.
61
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:41,113
Uh...
62
00:02:41,115 --> 00:02:45,118
I mean, I-I never thought about
it, you know, that-that way.
63
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,521
Four balls, two bats
and one mitt. Uh...
64
00:02:48,523 --> 00:02:50,790
Could be fun.
65
00:02:50,792 --> 00:02:54,226
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, who would
the other guy even be?
66
00:02:54,228 --> 00:02:56,796
WALDEN:
Hey.
67
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:03,102
Oh, crap.
68
00:03:03,104 --> 00:03:05,938
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
69
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,175
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
70
00:03:09,177 --> 00:03:12,345
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
71
00:03:12,347 --> 00:03:14,481
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
72
00:03:14,483 --> 00:03:16,984
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
73
00:03:16,986 --> 00:03:20,020
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
74
00:03:20,022 --> 00:03:22,518
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
75
00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:26,519
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x03 ♪
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
Original Air Date on October 11, 2012
76
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,020
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
77
00:03:30,021 --> 00:03:31,389
♪ Men. ♪
78
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:34,714
So, you want to have a threesome
with me and Walden?
79
00:03:34,716 --> 00:03:37,084
You have your fantasy;
I have mine.
80
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:40,221
Yeah, but mine's a traditional,
wholesome three-way.
81
00:03:40,223 --> 00:03:44,359
You, me and an anonymous drunken
slut, the way God intended.
82
00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:48,829
Walden is a friend.
Plus, we see him all the time.
83
00:03:48,831 --> 00:03:50,865
So?
So it'll be awkward.
84
00:03:50,867 --> 00:03:51,944
Not for me.
85
00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,869
I-I just don't think
it's a good time.
86
00:03:53,870 --> 00:03:55,770
I mean, he just
broke up with Zoey,
87
00:03:55,772 --> 00:03:57,505
and he's feeling very
vulnerable right now.
88
00:03:57,507 --> 00:03:58,840
I think this would help.
89
00:03:58,842 --> 00:04:00,708
You know, he needs
to get back on the horse,
90
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:03,144
and in this case, neigh!
91
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,347
Do we have a deal?
92
00:04:08,183 --> 00:04:10,985
All right, after we have mine,
we will approach Walden...
93
00:04:10,987 --> 00:04:13,354
- No, no, no, no. I go first.
- Why?
94
00:04:13,356 --> 00:04:14,455
Speaking from experience,
95
00:04:14,457 --> 00:04:16,823
once you get yours,
I'll never get mine.
96
00:04:19,294 --> 00:04:22,630
I am offended...
(scoffs)
97
00:04:22,632 --> 00:04:26,533
that you would insinuate that
I would break a sacred trust.
98
00:04:26,535 --> 00:04:29,736
I love you, Lyndsey, and
if you can't believe in me,
99
00:04:29,738 --> 00:04:32,239
then-then we have bigger
problems in our relationship
100
00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:35,042
than whose dirty, nasty
hump-fest we have first.
101
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:37,277
Take it or leave it.
102
00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,580
(exasperated sigh)
103
00:04:39,582 --> 00:04:41,815
Take it.
104
00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:45,385
Oh, I plan to.
105
00:04:45,387 --> 00:04:48,422
♪ Men. ♪
106
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,092
(sighs)
107
00:04:52,094 --> 00:04:54,628
Gorgeous day, isn't it?
108
00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:58,064
(chuckles) Wonder what
the poor people are doing.
109
00:04:58,066 --> 00:05:01,567
One of them is asking me
what the poor people are doing.
110
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,937
(laughs) Rich, good-looking,
and funny.
111
00:05:04,939 --> 00:05:08,808
(laughing): God certainly gave
with three hands.
112
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:12,011
Hey, speaking of
three hands, um...
113
00:05:12,013 --> 00:05:14,614
there's, uh, something
I-I need to ask you.
114
00:05:14,616 --> 00:05:16,083
Sure.
115
00:05:16,085 --> 00:05:19,253
Oh, boy, where do I start? Uh...
116
00:05:19,255 --> 00:05:20,955
Okay, here's the deal. Um,
117
00:05:20,957 --> 00:05:24,325
things with Lyndsey and me
have gotten a little stale, uh,
118
00:05:24,327 --> 00:05:26,860
sexually speaking.
Everything is by the numbers.
119
00:05:26,862 --> 00:05:30,030
I get it. You're skipping
right from 68 to 70.
120
00:05:30,865 --> 00:05:32,399
Exactly, exactly.
121
00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:35,869
Um, anyhoo, uh...
122
00:05:35,871 --> 00:05:37,337
we've come up
with a solution.
123
00:05:37,339 --> 00:05:38,772
What's that?
124
00:05:38,774 --> 00:05:43,144
We're going to have a, uh,
a threesome. (chuckles)
125
00:05:43,146 --> 00:05:44,379
Really?
126
00:05:45,514 --> 00:05:48,182
What? She agreed to that?
Yep.
127
00:05:48,184 --> 00:05:49,817
Dude, way to go!
128
00:05:49,819 --> 00:05:51,019
(laughs)
129
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:52,821
Yeah, yeah, it's great.
130
00:05:52,823 --> 00:05:54,823
Um, the thing is, um,
131
00:05:54,825 --> 00:05:58,827
Lyndsey wants to have a sausage
fest before the clambake.
132
00:05:58,829 --> 00:06:01,229
(both chuckling)
133
00:06:01,231 --> 00:06:02,230
That's clever.
134
00:06:02,232 --> 00:06:03,365
Yeah.
135
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:05,500
Yeah, she-she has
this crazy idea
136
00:06:05,502 --> 00:06:07,436
that before I have
my threesome,
137
00:06:07,438 --> 00:06:10,005
she wants to have
one of her own.
138
00:06:10,007 --> 00:06:11,540
Whoa, what, hold on, w...
139
00:06:11,542 --> 00:06:13,475
she wants to have a threesome
without you?
140
00:06:13,477 --> 00:06:16,111
Oh, no, no, I'm gonna be there,
uh, uh, but with...
141
00:06:16,113 --> 00:06:17,779
another guy.
142
00:06:17,781 --> 00:06:18,814
Huh.
143
00:06:18,816 --> 00:06:21,984
Yeah, and the-the
really crazy part is...
144
00:06:23,152 --> 00:06:27,523
...um, uh, that she wants
the other guy,
145
00:06:27,525 --> 00:06:31,092
uh, to be, um, you.
146
00:06:34,464 --> 00:06:35,798
Okay.
147
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,901
Yeah, now, I-I-I told her
that there was no way...
148
00:06:38,903 --> 00:06:40,336
Oh, no, no, no, I'm in.
149
00:06:42,172 --> 00:06:44,073
Wh-What? What?
You're in?
150
00:06:44,075 --> 00:06:45,909
Yeah, sure.
It sounds like fun.
151
00:06:45,911 --> 00:06:48,011
You know, now that Zoey
and I aren't together,
152
00:06:48,013 --> 00:06:50,948
I don't see any reason why I
shouldn't be doing my own thing.
153
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:53,050
And Lyndsey's own thing.
154
00:06:53,052 --> 00:06:56,521
Probably not your own thing.
Well, a-are you sure?
155
00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:58,222
Why not?
Time to shake things up,
156
00:06:58,224 --> 00:07:00,225
get out of my comfort zone,
you know?
157
00:07:00,227 --> 00:07:02,727
Maybe slip into
your comfort zone.
158
00:07:03,729 --> 00:07:04,796
Get it?
159
00:07:06,499 --> 00:07:08,067
I got it.
(chuckles)
160
00:07:08,069 --> 00:07:11,070
Well, I guess... I guess
I should let Lyndsey know.
161
00:07:11,072 --> 00:07:14,107
(nervous laughing):
Um, she'll be thrilled.
162
00:07:14,109 --> 00:07:15,909
As am I.
163
00:07:15,911 --> 00:07:17,110
(quietly):
Yay.
164
00:07:17,112 --> 00:07:19,079
Hey, wait.
Do y...
165
00:07:19,081 --> 00:07:20,580
you want to do this, right?
166
00:07:20,582 --> 00:07:21,981
Oh, oh, absolutely.
Uh, you know,
167
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:25,084
I'm-I'm very open-minded,
uh, about sexual matters.
168
00:07:25,086 --> 00:07:27,854
After all, I-I did grow up
during the sexual revolution.
169
00:07:27,856 --> 00:07:30,656
Well, technically, a-a few years
after, but there were still
170
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:34,326
condoms and diaphragms layin'
all over the place. (laughs)
171
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,462
Oh, and, uh,
just a heads-up,
172
00:07:36,464 --> 00:07:39,498
um... exit only.
173
00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:43,268
Nope, not even a thumb.
174
00:07:46,539 --> 00:07:48,407
♪ Men. ♪
175
00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:52,511
(chuckling):
I am so happy you said yes.
176
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:54,246
I am honored you asked.
177
00:07:54,248 --> 00:07:56,381
Aren't you adorable?
178
00:07:56,383 --> 00:07:57,949
Not as adorable as you.
179
00:07:57,951 --> 00:07:59,618
(chuckles)
180
00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:00,853
Yeah, yeah, we're all adorable.
181
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,487
Um...
182
00:08:02,489 --> 00:08:04,890
Let's... W-W-We need
to establish some ground rules.
183
00:08:04,892 --> 00:08:06,391
Sure, like what?
184
00:08:06,393 --> 00:08:09,461
Uh, well, uh, for instance, uh,
there are a few things
185
00:08:09,463 --> 00:08:12,965
that I happen to know Lyndsey
is not exactly fond of doing.
186
00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:15,201
No, I'm good.
187
00:08:16,070 --> 00:08:18,137
R-Really? You're good?
188
00:08:18,839 --> 00:08:20,573
With everything?
189
00:08:20,575 --> 00:08:23,209
Even the Philadelphia
Dump Truck?
190
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,378
Back it up.
191
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,547
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
192
00:08:30,117 --> 00:08:31,585
Anything else?
193
00:08:31,587 --> 00:08:33,953
Uh, well, I guess this goes
without saying,
194
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:36,589
but, uh, you know, we're
not making Band-Aids here,
195
00:08:36,591 --> 00:08:39,091
so Johnson should never
meet Johnson, so...
196
00:08:39,093 --> 00:08:41,493
True.
197
00:08:41,495 --> 00:08:44,062
Two dongs don't make a right.
198
00:08:44,064 --> 00:08:45,464
(laughing)
199
00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:51,771
Oh, oh, and speaking of, um,
200
00:08:51,773 --> 00:08:55,608
if you have any desire to stick
your tongue in my mouth,
201
00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:56,843
just stick
your tongue
202
00:08:56,845 --> 00:08:57,878
in her mouth,
203
00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,146
and then she'll
stick her tongue
204
00:08:59,148 --> 00:09:01,615
in my mouth, and we'll consider
the circle complete.
205
00:09:03,985 --> 00:09:05,319
Fine.
206
00:09:05,321 --> 00:09:06,820
It's your loss.
207
00:09:08,723 --> 00:09:12,092
I would like to propose a toast.
208
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,494
Oh!
209
00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,864
Friends may come
and friends may go,
210
00:09:17,866 --> 00:09:21,435
friends may peter out,
you know.
211
00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:24,438
But here's to us,
through thick and thin,
212
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,874
peter out and peter in.
213
00:09:30,145 --> 00:09:31,779
Hear, hear.
214
00:09:33,482 --> 00:09:34,982
Cheers.
215
00:09:34,984 --> 00:09:37,118
So, what do you say?
216
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,286
Let's get these balls rollin'.
217
00:09:41,523 --> 00:09:43,624
♪ Men. ♪
218
00:09:54,002 --> 00:09:57,172
(sighs)
(sighs)
219
00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:11,621
This is okay,
what we're doing, right?
220
00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,723
W-We're all consenting adults.
221
00:10:13,725 --> 00:10:14,991
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.
222
00:10:14,993 --> 00:10:16,559
Sure.
223
00:10:16,561 --> 00:10:19,896
I mean, you know, if one of us
was mentally impaired,
224
00:10:19,898 --> 00:10:22,465
then the-the consent
might be suspect.
225
00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:26,536
True. I mean, i-if
you were required
226
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,471
to wear a helmet or...
227
00:10:28,473 --> 00:10:31,874
have a service dog...
228
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:34,844
that might be construed
as taking advantage.
229
00:10:34,846 --> 00:10:36,546
Yeah, yeah,
but everybody here
230
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,214
knows what they're
getting into, so...
231
00:10:38,216 --> 00:10:41,918
Yeah, no one's taking their
pants off for a candy bar.
232
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,353
Or absolution.
233
00:10:45,622 --> 00:10:48,657
Um, so, listen, uh,
234
00:10:48,659 --> 00:10:52,128
don't feel obligated to bring
your "A" game today, okay?
235
00:10:52,130 --> 00:10:53,896
My "A" game?
236
00:10:53,898 --> 00:10:56,032
Yeah, I mean,
what I'm saying is (sighs)
237
00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:57,433
you're younger than I am;
238
00:10:57,435 --> 00:11:00,236
you're prettier than I am;
there's more...
239
00:11:00,238 --> 00:11:03,039
of you than there is of me.
240
00:11:04,842 --> 00:11:06,175
What do you want me to do?
241
00:11:06,177 --> 00:11:07,243
(sighs) Well,
I'm just saying,
242
00:11:07,245 --> 00:11:08,477
we're playing on
a public course here.
243
00:11:08,479 --> 00:11:09,978
Spot me a couple
of strokes.
244
00:11:12,916 --> 00:11:14,617
You just be the maypole
245
00:11:14,619 --> 00:11:17,919
and let her run around
with the ribbons.
246
00:11:17,921 --> 00:11:21,089
No, no, that is not my style.
247
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:22,557
I'm very aggressive.
248
00:11:23,426 --> 00:11:24,759
I'm in it to win it.
249
00:11:24,761 --> 00:11:26,294
(door opens)
250
00:11:26,296 --> 00:11:29,597
What do you think, boys?
251
00:11:29,599 --> 00:11:32,601
I am definitely gonna win it.
252
00:11:32,603 --> 00:11:35,670
Oh, yeah, well,
we'll see about that.
253
00:11:35,672 --> 00:11:37,172
Uh, you do look
beautiful, darling.
254
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:38,474
Yeah, thanks.
255
00:11:38,476 --> 00:11:40,943
Ooh.
256
00:11:45,615 --> 00:11:48,150
This is probably bad to say,
257
00:11:48,152 --> 00:11:50,786
but Zoey had an outfit
like that
258
00:11:50,788 --> 00:11:51,854
she used to wear
all the time.
259
00:11:51,856 --> 00:11:53,956
Well, not all the time.
260
00:11:53,958 --> 00:11:56,425
Just when we
were having sex.
261
00:11:56,427 --> 00:11:58,460
Which was pretty much
all the time.
262
00:11:58,462 --> 00:12:01,930
I'm sorry, sweetie.
263
00:12:01,932 --> 00:12:05,201
Oh, I guess we're starting,
okay, uh, um...
264
00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:18,047
You know, I-I, um,
I not only loved Zoey.
265
00:12:18,049 --> 00:12:19,782
I also loved
her daughter.
266
00:12:19,784 --> 00:12:23,953
That is beautiful.
267
00:12:33,898 --> 00:12:35,899
I kinda thought we
were gonna be family.
268
00:12:35,901 --> 00:12:38,568
We're your family now.
269
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:41,538
I'm starting to feel a little
like a very distant cousin.
270
00:12:43,374 --> 00:12:46,209
(sobbing)
271
00:12:46,211 --> 00:12:49,513
I miss her so much.
272
00:12:49,515 --> 00:12:51,681
(sighs)
273
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:54,785
I'd have given odds
that I'd be the one crying.
274
00:12:54,787 --> 00:12:56,520
♪ Men. ♪
275
00:12:58,619 --> 00:13:00,253
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:13:00,255 --> 00:13:02,088
Walden, you doing
okay in there?
277
00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:05,391
WALDEN: I'm okay.
I just need a second.
278
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,126
(sighs)
279
00:13:07,128 --> 00:13:09,028
Maybe this just
isn't meant to be.
280
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:10,096
Why not?
281
00:13:10,098 --> 00:13:11,697
The man is clearly upset.
282
00:13:11,699 --> 00:13:14,467
Oh, boo-hoo.
283
00:13:14,469 --> 00:13:16,035
(door opens)
284
00:13:16,037 --> 00:13:19,005
(breathing deeply)
285
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,240
I'm really sorry.
286
00:13:20,242 --> 00:13:22,942
Hey, no need to apologize.
In fact,
287
00:13:22,944 --> 00:13:25,778
if it would help, you can close
your eyes and pretend I'm Zoey.
288
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:26,846
Really?
289
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,414
Of course.
290
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,015
Um, should I pretend
you're somebody else?
291
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:32,017
Do whatever you want.
292
00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:35,587
That's a good idea.
293
00:13:35,589 --> 00:13:36,722
Let's-let's try that.
294
00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:39,290
Attaboy.
Okay.
295
00:13:39,292 --> 00:13:41,258
Mmm.
296
00:13:45,430 --> 00:13:46,830
Oh, Zoey.
297
00:13:46,832 --> 00:13:48,198
(bad British accent):
Oh, Walden,
298
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:52,502
give me a good shagging,
won't you?
299
00:13:52,504 --> 00:13:55,137
(sobbing)
I can't.
300
00:13:55,139 --> 00:13:56,172
(sighs)
301
00:13:56,174 --> 00:13:57,640
I can't do this!
302
00:13:57,642 --> 00:14:01,077
"Give us a good shagging,
won't you? "
303
00:14:01,079 --> 00:14:03,646
What? That's a thing.
304
00:14:03,648 --> 00:14:05,214
(scoffs) Doesn't matter.
305
00:14:05,216 --> 00:14:07,483
Let's just make sure we don't
get a crybaby for my threesome.
306
00:14:07,485 --> 00:14:08,884
Your threesome?
307
00:14:08,886 --> 00:14:10,119
We haven't even had mine yet.
308
00:14:10,121 --> 00:14:12,054
Uh, I beg to differ.
309
00:14:12,056 --> 00:14:13,655
I held up my part
of the bargain.
310
00:14:13,657 --> 00:14:15,090
If I serve pie
and nobody's hungry,
311
00:14:15,092 --> 00:14:16,391
it still counts as dessert.
312
00:14:20,664 --> 00:14:22,732
I suppose.
313
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:23,967
Now what?
314
00:14:23,969 --> 00:14:26,469
Well, not that you care,
but I did take a lethal dose
315
00:14:26,471 --> 00:14:28,338
of boner pills
before we started.
316
00:14:29,707 --> 00:14:30,774
Is that so?
317
00:14:30,776 --> 00:14:32,777
I'm either going
to have sex or a stroke.
318
00:14:34,813 --> 00:14:38,182
Your call.
319
00:14:39,551 --> 00:14:41,353
Come on.
Let's go to your bedroom.
320
00:14:41,355 --> 00:14:42,654
Really?
321
00:14:42,656 --> 00:14:44,389
I'd rather take care of you
for the next 20 minutes
322
00:14:44,391 --> 00:14:45,490
than the next 20 years.
323
00:14:45,492 --> 00:14:48,326
That's the spirit.
324
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,530
♪ Men. ♪
325
00:14:53,366 --> 00:14:55,667
It's a beautiful day.
326
00:14:55,669 --> 00:14:56,901
Why don't you go
down to the beach
327
00:14:56,903 --> 00:14:58,670
and find some kids to play with?
328
00:14:58,672 --> 00:15:00,238
I don't wanna.
329
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,874
Okay, why don't you
go ride your bike?
330
00:15:02,876 --> 00:15:04,409
I don't feel like it.
331
00:15:04,411 --> 00:15:06,278
Well, you can't sit
in the house all day,
332
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,946
staring at that computer.
333
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:10,449
I made a billion dollars
doing this.
334
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,885
Carry on.
335
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,356
(computer beeping)
336
00:15:19,759 --> 00:15:21,793
Hi.
Hi.
337
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:24,262
Great to see you.
What's up?
338
00:15:24,264 --> 00:15:28,166
Well, I got a most interesting
phone call this morning.
339
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:29,200
From Lyndsey.
340
00:15:29,202 --> 00:15:32,304
Alan's Lyndsey?
341
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,540
The-the one with
the drinking problem?
342
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,075
The very same.
343
00:15:36,077 --> 00:15:38,010
(laughs nervously)
What she ha...
344
00:15:38,012 --> 00:15:39,311
What did she want?
345
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,180
Well, she wanted to tell me,
in no particular order,
346
00:15:42,182 --> 00:15:44,382
that you're a great guy,
347
00:15:44,384 --> 00:15:46,584
that you're still very much
in love with me
348
00:15:46,586 --> 00:15:50,087
and that I'm a complete idiot
for breaking up with you.
349
00:15:50,089 --> 00:15:53,790
I am. I am. You are.
350
00:15:53,792 --> 00:15:56,025
You didn't put her up
to that call, did you?
351
00:15:56,027 --> 00:15:57,894
No, not at all.
352
00:15:57,896 --> 00:15:59,229
I do miss you.
353
00:15:59,231 --> 00:16:01,365
It's been very hard for me too.
354
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:05,302
I was kinda hoping
that you'd say that.
355
00:16:05,304 --> 00:16:07,437
So, do you think that...
356
00:16:07,439 --> 00:16:09,773
You, sir, can make out
with my girlfriend
357
00:16:09,775 --> 00:16:11,408
any time you want.
358
00:16:13,611 --> 00:16:16,713
You got her so worked up,
she humped my brains out.
359
00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:22,618
So, where were we?
360
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:24,254
I miss you, you miss me, ah.
361
00:16:41,706 --> 00:16:42,606
(loud punch)
362
00:16:42,608 --> 00:16:43,940
ALAN:
Ow! What did I do?
363
00:16:43,942 --> 00:16:46,176
(punch)
Ow!
364
00:16:48,813 --> 00:16:50,480
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
365
00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:52,149
This is just like
Christmas morning.
366
00:16:52,151 --> 00:16:54,085
But instead of celebrating
the birth of our Lord,
367
00:16:54,087 --> 00:16:56,187
little Alan's
gonna get some strange.
368
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,590
I know you're excited,
369
00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:01,402
but the first step
is selecting the right girl.
370
00:17:01,427 --> 00:17:02,261
Mmm.
371
00:17:02,262 --> 00:17:03,795
Hey, what about that
blonde over there?
372
00:17:03,797 --> 00:17:05,497
Eh, I guess.
373
00:17:05,499 --> 00:17:07,099
What's wrong with her?
374
00:17:07,101 --> 00:17:09,968
Well, her outfit's a little
matchy-matchy, isn't it?
375
00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:12,737
The outfit's going to be
on the floor of the bedroom.
376
00:17:12,739 --> 00:17:15,474
Well, still, it says something
about her lack of imagination.
377
00:17:15,476 --> 00:17:17,710
Fine.
378
00:17:17,712 --> 00:17:19,245
Hey, how 'bout the redhead?
379
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,513
Ooh, redheads.
380
00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:21,648
They do dirty things.
381
00:17:21,650 --> 00:17:22,715
(giggles)
382
00:17:22,717 --> 00:17:24,918
So, should we approach her?
383
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:25,952
No, no, hang on.
Hang on.
384
00:17:25,954 --> 00:17:27,053
She's got a tramp stamp.
385
00:17:27,055 --> 00:17:28,655
So?
386
00:17:28,657 --> 00:17:29,990
It's a little skanky,
isn't it?
387
00:17:29,992 --> 00:17:32,759
We're trying to invite her
to a threesome.
388
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:33,827
Skanky is good.
389
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:36,296
You're right.
You're right.
390
00:17:36,298 --> 00:17:39,166
Oh, although,
she does have cankles.
391
00:17:39,168 --> 00:17:41,569
Skanky cankles.
392
00:17:41,571 --> 00:17:43,905
Isn't that what they call
Santa Claus in Norway?
393
00:17:43,907 --> 00:17:45,507
Are you done?
394
00:17:45,509 --> 00:17:48,877
Sorry, just a little case
of the pre-ménage jitters.
395
00:17:51,247 --> 00:17:52,781
You do realize
if I wasn't here,
396
00:17:52,783 --> 00:17:54,183
you couldn't get
any of these women?
397
00:17:54,185 --> 00:17:55,718
(scoffs) I'm not
so sure about that.
398
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,153
I still have a few moves
up my sleeve.
399
00:17:57,155 --> 00:17:58,521
Really?
Mm-hmm.
400
00:17:58,523 --> 00:17:59,555
Be my guest.
401
00:17:59,557 --> 00:18:03,659
Fine. Okay, watch this.
402
00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,762
Hello.
403
00:18:05,764 --> 00:18:07,864
No.
404
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,907
I'm good with whoever you pick.
405
00:18:16,909 --> 00:18:19,277
♪ Men. ♪
406
00:18:19,279 --> 00:18:20,278
I'm confused.
407
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,913
The only reason
you're doing this
408
00:18:21,915 --> 00:18:23,581
is because
it's your husband's fantasy?
409
00:18:23,583 --> 00:18:24,916
Ex-husband.
410
00:18:24,918 --> 00:18:27,185
Ah.
Ah.
411
00:18:29,054 --> 00:18:30,121
WOMAN:
Wow.
412
00:18:30,123 --> 00:18:32,123
What a view.
413
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:34,826
The view from here
is pretty good, too.
414
00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:36,127
Certainly is.
415
00:18:37,396 --> 00:18:40,398
I'm gonna end up watching from
the sidelines again, aren't I?
416
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,201
You're lucky you
can get to watch.
417
00:18:49,241 --> 00:18:50,275
ALAN:
Wow.
418
00:18:50,277 --> 00:18:52,811
You two look really lovely.
419
00:18:52,813 --> 00:18:54,079
Y-You could
actually be sisters.
420
00:18:54,081 --> 00:18:56,281
That is exactly wrong.
421
00:18:56,283 --> 00:19:00,319
Oh, no, I meant, uh,
I meant, uh, sistahs.
422
00:19:00,321 --> 00:19:04,256
like, uh, "Sistahs doing it
for themselves."
423
00:19:04,258 --> 00:19:05,724
What's the deal?
424
00:19:05,726 --> 00:19:07,926
Is he dying and this
is on his bucket list?
425
00:19:07,928 --> 00:19:09,828
It's complicated.
426
00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:11,029
Just stay focused on me.
427
00:19:11,031 --> 00:19:12,965
Okay. (giggles)
428
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:16,001
So, uh, shall we get
this party started?
429
00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:20,173
Great. Is there somewhere
where I can just freshen up?
430
00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:21,874
Sure, the bathroom's
down the hall.
431
00:19:21,876 --> 00:19:23,442
Okay, be right back.
432
00:19:23,444 --> 00:19:26,446
(giggling)
433
00:19:26,448 --> 00:19:28,848
Um, so, how are we
slicing up this pie?
434
00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:29,849
What?
435
00:19:29,851 --> 00:19:31,685
You know, who gets what when?
436
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:32,819
Or we just gonna take shifts
437
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:35,022
and tap each other out
like wrestlers?
438
00:19:37,459 --> 00:19:39,460
Nice to meet you, too.
Yeah.
439
00:19:39,462 --> 00:19:43,998
So, uh, how do you know Lyndsey
and, uh, the old guy?
440
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,500
Oh, Alan.
441
00:19:45,502 --> 00:19:48,136
He lives here.
This is my house.
442
00:19:48,138 --> 00:19:49,771
No kidding.
443
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,040
Oh, oh, and one more thing:
444
00:19:52,042 --> 00:19:54,009
um, if I yell "cheeseburger,"
it means I'm getting close,
445
00:19:54,011 --> 00:19:56,177
and you need to whack me
on the back of the head
446
00:19:56,179 --> 00:19:57,312
'cause I want this to last.
447
00:19:57,314 --> 00:19:59,714
(laughs) You're so cute.
448
00:19:59,716 --> 00:20:01,149
I love you.
449
00:20:01,151 --> 00:20:02,817
I love you, too.
450
00:20:04,753 --> 00:20:05,720
Oh, no.
451
00:20:05,722 --> 00:20:07,322
No!
452
00:20:07,324 --> 00:20:08,490
Oh, man!
453
00:20:08,492 --> 00:20:10,692
I just cannot catch a break.
454
00:20:17,761 --> 00:20:21,497
(Walden and Rachel moaning)
455
00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:26,335
(sighing)
456
00:20:26,337 --> 00:20:28,871
She sounds fun.
457
00:20:28,873 --> 00:20:31,407
(sighs)
458
00:20:31,409 --> 00:20:33,108
So does he.
459
00:20:35,045 --> 00:20:39,415
You know, if we close our eyes
and don't say anything...
460
00:20:39,417 --> 00:20:41,216
Way ahead of you, Walden.
461
00:20:42,085 --> 00:20:43,752
ALAN (grunting):
Cheeseburger!
462
00:20:43,754 --> 00:20:47,754
== sync, corrected by elderman ==