1
00:00:03,930 --> 00:00:06,245
JAKE:
So, to make a long story short,
2
00:00:06,345 --> 00:00:07,840
they say it's my fault
for leaving the pistol
3
00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:09,273
on the seat of the Jeep.
4
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:11,842
I say it's the general's fault
for sitting on it.
5
00:00:13,194 --> 00:00:16,580
But either way, I'm not allowed
to have a gun for a while.
6
00:00:16,582 --> 00:00:20,951
And a weary nation
breathes a sigh of relief.
7
00:00:20,953 --> 00:00:22,586
Yeah, yeah, terrific.
8
00:00:22,588 --> 00:00:24,471
Um, so, they've got you working
in the kitchen?
9
00:00:24,473 --> 00:00:25,856
Yeah, we call it the mess.
10
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:28,659
SERGEANT: That corn's not
gonna cream itself, Harper!
11
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,144
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
12
00:00:30,146 --> 00:00:31,762
Uh, I got to go back to work
13
00:00:31,764 --> 00:00:33,931
defending our nation
against terrorists and whatnot.
14
00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:35,699
Take care
of yourself, buddy.
15
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:37,117
Don't worry, Dad.
16
00:00:37,119 --> 00:00:39,570
I'm being all I can be.
17
00:00:40,822 --> 00:00:42,456
Wow.
18
00:00:42,458 --> 00:00:43,624
Yeah.
19
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,793
Seems like just yesterday
he was an adorable,
20
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,661
chubby-cheeked little boy
catching a Frisbee
21
00:00:47,663 --> 00:00:49,163
on the beach in Santa Monica.
22
00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:51,315
Now he's a fuzz-faced
buck private
23
00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:54,385
catching the clap from
a whore in Tijuana.
24
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,437
WALDEN:
Hey, guys.
25
00:00:56,439 --> 00:00:58,639
What do you think?
26
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,391
Oh, yummy.
27
00:01:02,110 --> 00:01:03,644
You look like
the maitre d' in heaven.
28
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:06,730
What's the occasion?
29
00:01:06,732 --> 00:01:07,848
It's Zoey's birthday.
30
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,099
Oh, well,
tell her happy birthday.
31
00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:10,150
What are you gonna give her?
32
00:01:10,152 --> 00:01:11,518
The rest of my life.
33
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:12,636
Beg your pardon?
34
00:01:12,638 --> 00:01:14,137
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
35
00:01:14,139 --> 00:01:15,989
Hello.
Are you serious?
36
00:01:15,991 --> 00:01:17,307
Absolutely.
37
00:01:17,309 --> 00:01:19,610
Wow, wow, that's, uh...
38
00:01:19,612 --> 00:01:22,162
What he's trying to say is,
once you're married,
39
00:01:22,164 --> 00:01:23,447
where's he gonna live?
40
00:01:23,449 --> 00:01:26,083
No, no, stop, please.
41
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,651
No, what I'm
trying to say is,
44
00:01:32,007 --> 00:01:34,007
I mean, I love her,
I love her daughter.
45
00:01:34,009 --> 00:01:35,826
Yeah, it's win-win
for everybody.
46
00:01:35,828 --> 00:01:38,962
Gonna miss you.
47
00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:41,715
Hey, I don't want
to get ahead of myself,
48
00:01:41,717 --> 00:01:45,469
but I was hoping
you'd be my best man.
49
00:01:45,471 --> 00:01:47,721
Oh, uh, Walden,
50
00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:50,224
I'd be honored to be
the best man at your wedding.
51
00:01:51,726 --> 00:01:53,377
(chuckles)
52
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,646
What's so funny?
53
00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,149
You wouldn't be the best man
at the Dinah Shore Golf Classic.
54
00:01:59,151 --> 00:02:01,068
(chuckles)
55
00:02:02,187 --> 00:02:04,071
All right, you can be
the maid of honor.
56
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,456
(laughs)
57
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,657
Okay, I got to go.
58
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:08,325
Good luck with Zoey.
59
00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:10,210
Oh, thanks, but I mean,
60
00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:12,212
come on.
61
00:02:13,548 --> 00:02:15,031
How about that?
62
00:02:15,033 --> 00:02:16,533
The kid's getting married.
63
00:02:16,535 --> 00:02:18,085
Yeah. Crazy, huh?
64
00:02:18,087 --> 00:02:20,888
If I looked like him, I wouldn't
take myself off the market.
65
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,673
Is that so?
66
00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:25,309
Oh, yeah, I'd be out
there every night
67
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,895
wearing my penis
down to a nub.
68
00:02:29,631 --> 00:02:33,434
It would look
like a golf pencil.
69
00:02:34,436 --> 00:02:38,071
Hey, a golf pencil does
a lot of scoring, lady.
70
00:02:39,056 --> 00:02:41,825
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
71
00:02:41,827 --> 00:02:45,112
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
72
00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:48,248
♪ Men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
73
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,417
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
74
00:02:50,419 --> 00:02:52,903
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
75
00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:55,923
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
76
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:56,925
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
77
00:02:56,950 --> 00:03:00,950
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x01 ♪
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
Original Air Date on September 27, 2012
78
00:03:00,951 --> 00:03:04,951
== sync by Tony, corrected by elderman ==
79
00:03:07,558 --> 00:03:09,209
♪ Men. ♪
80
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,381
This is magnificent.
81
00:03:12,481 --> 00:03:14,648
As are you.
(chuckles)
82
00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:15,899
Happy birthday.
83
00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:18,285
Thank you.
84
00:03:20,188 --> 00:03:22,656
Zoey,
85
00:03:22,658 --> 00:03:27,027
my life is so much better
with you in it.
86
00:03:27,029 --> 00:03:29,079
Aw. (giggles)
87
00:03:29,081 --> 00:03:32,049
The first time I saw you,
88
00:03:32,051 --> 00:03:33,917
it was like...
89
00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:36,086
fireworks.
90
00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:42,409
Did you...
91
00:03:42,411 --> 00:03:43,978
I did.
92
00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:46,930
(chuckles)
93
00:03:46,932 --> 00:03:49,266
And when I hear your voice...
94
00:03:50,402 --> 00:03:52,886
...it's like music.
95
00:03:52,888 --> 00:03:55,889
(louder):
Music.
96
00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:58,108
Sorry.
97
00:03:58,110 --> 00:04:00,828
(plays quietly)
98
00:04:00,830 --> 00:04:03,080
Oh, God, Walden,
99
00:04:03,082 --> 00:04:05,532
all this for my birthday?
100
00:04:05,534 --> 00:04:07,167
Not just for your birthday.
101
00:04:08,136 --> 00:04:11,839
You see, Zoey,
102
00:04:11,841 --> 00:04:15,926
when a man loves a woman...
103
00:04:17,228 --> 00:04:19,797
...he can't keep his mind
on nothin' else.
104
00:04:19,799 --> 00:04:23,350
Okay, I'm totally lost now.
105
00:04:23,352 --> 00:04:26,586
He'd give up all his comforts
106
00:04:26,588 --> 00:04:28,439
and sleep out in the rain,
107
00:04:28,441 --> 00:04:30,858
if she said that's the way
it ought to be.
108
00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:31,975
Wait, that's from some song.
109
00:04:31,977 --> 00:04:34,144
No, no, not some song;
110
00:04:34,146 --> 00:04:35,779
a great song.
111
00:04:36,614 --> 00:04:38,765
Bolton, you're up.
112
00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:46,790
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
113
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:51,078
♪ He can't keep his mind
on nothin' else ♪
114
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,163
♪ He'd trade the world... ♪
115
00:04:53,165 --> 00:04:54,581
Get up, get up.
116
00:04:54,583 --> 00:04:56,166
Stop it.
117
00:04:56,168 --> 00:04:59,887
Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce...
118
00:04:59,889 --> 00:05:01,805
♪ If she's bad,
he can't see it ♪
119
00:05:01,807 --> 00:05:05,225
...will you do me the honor of becoming
♪ She can do no wrong ♪
120
00:05:05,227 --> 00:05:09,179
Zoey Hyde-Tottingham
Pierce Schmidt?
121
00:05:09,181 --> 00:05:11,765
♪ He'd turn his back
on his best friend ♪
122
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:15,635
♪ If he puts her down ♪
123
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:20,240
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
124
00:05:21,276 --> 00:05:23,477
♪ Deep down in his soul... ♪
125
00:05:23,479 --> 00:05:24,978
No. I'm sorry.
126
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:26,113
I can't do it.
127
00:05:26,115 --> 00:05:27,748
♪ She can... ♪
128
00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:29,616
(guitar stops)
129
00:05:29,618 --> 00:05:31,785
Zoey!
130
00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:36,623
♪ When a man loves a woman... ♪
131
00:05:36,625 --> 00:05:39,660
Shut up, Bolton!
132
00:05:43,965 --> 00:05:46,500
♪ Men. ♪
133
00:05:46,502 --> 00:05:48,168
So, after they get married,
134
00:05:48,170 --> 00:05:50,370
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
135
00:05:50,372 --> 00:05:52,356
Oh, Alan, don't be coy.
136
00:05:52,358 --> 00:05:54,858
If you want to come
live with me, just ask.
137
00:05:54,860 --> 00:05:56,944
Can I come live with you?
138
00:05:56,946 --> 00:05:58,678
No.
139
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,448
Come on, Mom,
I'm gonna be homeless.
140
00:06:01,450 --> 00:06:02,616
Once he marries her,
141
00:06:02,618 --> 00:06:04,067
I'm gonna be living
on the street.
142
00:06:04,069 --> 00:06:05,786
Try to pick a street
in Beverly Hills
143
00:06:05,788 --> 00:06:07,871
so I can visit you.
(doorbell rings)
144
00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:15,462
Does this guy
belong to you?
145
00:06:15,464 --> 00:06:18,031
Michael Bolton?
146
00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:20,751
(slurring):
Hi, Alan.
147
00:06:20,753 --> 00:06:22,219
Uh, yes, bring him in.
148
00:06:22,221 --> 00:06:24,221
What happened?
149
00:06:24,223 --> 00:06:27,090
She said no.
150
00:06:27,092 --> 00:06:29,510
Oh, oh, Walden, I am so sorry.
151
00:06:30,645 --> 00:06:33,397
When I proposed, she just ran
out of the restaurant.
152
00:06:33,399 --> 00:06:36,266
Now she won't return my calls
153
00:06:36,268 --> 00:06:38,235
or e-mails or texts.
154
00:06:38,237 --> 00:06:40,070
It's like she's ignoring me
155
00:06:40,072 --> 00:06:42,773
across the entire
digital spectrum.
156
00:06:44,075 --> 00:06:46,160
It's like she's Amish.
157
00:06:46,162 --> 00:06:47,861
So...
158
00:06:47,863 --> 00:06:49,396
you went out drinking
159
00:06:49,398 --> 00:06:52,082
and ended up
picking up Michael Bolton?
160
00:06:52,084 --> 00:06:53,567
No.
161
00:06:53,569 --> 00:06:56,587
I hired him to sing
while I was proposing.
162
00:06:56,589 --> 00:06:59,256
I should've gone
with Josh Groban.
163
00:06:59,258 --> 00:07:02,125
Wait, you're gonna
blame me for this?
164
00:07:05,129 --> 00:07:07,047
I'm gonna call her again.
165
00:07:07,049 --> 00:07:08,248
EVELYN:
Oh, my stars.
166
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:11,385
Michael Bolton.
167
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:14,638
I have a vibrator
named after you.
168
00:07:17,926 --> 00:07:19,860
Zoey, why won't you answer?
169
00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:22,062
Was it something I did?
170
00:07:22,064 --> 00:07:24,398
Was the ring not big enough?
171
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,066
Was it Bolton?
172
00:07:26,068 --> 00:07:27,534
Hey!
173
00:07:29,070 --> 00:07:30,454
Okay.
174
00:07:30,456 --> 00:07:32,906
Screw it, I just can't sit
around here.
175
00:07:32,908 --> 00:07:35,125
Come on, Bolton,
let's go find her.
176
00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:37,044
I'm not gonna go looking
for your girlfriend.
177
00:07:37,046 --> 00:07:40,130
Why don't you see
if Groban's available?
178
00:07:40,132 --> 00:07:44,301
Hey, I bought and paid
for your ass until 10:00.
179
00:07:44,303 --> 00:07:47,087
It's 10:01.
180
00:07:47,089 --> 00:07:49,172
So now you can kiss it.
181
00:07:53,011 --> 00:07:55,596
Fine, I'll just drive myself.
182
00:07:55,598 --> 00:07:57,814
Oh, no, no, hang on,
hang on. You can't drive.
183
00:07:57,816 --> 00:07:59,600
I'll take you.
184
00:07:59,602 --> 00:08:00,984
See, you're a good friend.
185
00:08:00,986 --> 00:08:02,853
You're dead to me.
186
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,475
I can't believe
the things I do for money.
187
00:08:08,477 --> 00:08:11,328
You won't believe the
things I'll do for free.
188
00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:15,632
♪ Men. ♪
189
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:17,484
I really, really think
you ought to wait
190
00:08:17,486 --> 00:08:18,785
till tomorrow to do this.
191
00:08:18,787 --> 00:08:22,155
No, no, I need to know why.
192
00:08:22,157 --> 00:08:23,707
Not a good idea.
193
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:26,260
See, it's like asking a woman
why she won't sleep with you.
194
00:08:26,262 --> 00:08:28,095
You always hope
that it's 'cause you're too big
195
00:08:28,097 --> 00:08:29,529
and you'll ruin her
for other men.
196
00:08:29,531 --> 00:08:31,498
But no,
197
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,333
it's usually
'cause she sobered up
198
00:08:33,335 --> 00:08:34,834
and got a good look at you.
199
00:08:34,836 --> 00:08:37,220
Oh, Walden.
200
00:08:37,222 --> 00:08:38,388
(groans)
201
00:08:38,390 --> 00:08:40,607
(groans)
That's the sound they make.
202
00:08:42,443 --> 00:08:43,894
We need to talk.
203
00:08:43,896 --> 00:08:45,312
Can we do this tomorrow?
204
00:08:45,314 --> 00:08:48,398
Let me use a word
that you're fond of:
205
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,400
"No."
206
00:08:50,402 --> 00:08:51,818
Have you been drinking?
207
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:55,072
Let me use a word
that you're not fond of:
208
00:08:55,074 --> 00:08:56,573
"Yes."
209
00:08:57,742 --> 00:09:00,127
She's right, Walden.
You can come back tomorrow.
210
00:09:00,129 --> 00:09:02,412
No. I'm not leaving
until I get an answer.
211
00:09:02,414 --> 00:09:03,964
Walden, please.
212
00:09:03,966 --> 00:09:05,966
Zoey, I need an answer.
213
00:09:05,968 --> 00:09:07,867
Oh, it's complicated.
214
00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:10,170
No.
215
00:09:10,172 --> 00:09:13,523
Peeing with morning wood
is complicated.
216
00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,094
True. That thing
is like a Water Wiggle.
217
00:09:19,097 --> 00:09:21,898
Once, I shorted out
a light socket in the ceiling.
218
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,718
I've done that.
Yeah.
219
00:09:28,072 --> 00:09:32,192
Saying yes to someone
who loves you
220
00:09:32,194 --> 00:09:34,227
more than life itself
221
00:09:34,229 --> 00:09:36,997
is not complicated.
222
00:09:36,999 --> 00:09:38,999
Fine. Do you really
want to know?
223
00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:40,450
I really want to know.
224
00:09:40,452 --> 00:09:42,068
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Okay, okay.
225
00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:43,420
This is a textbook example
226
00:09:43,422 --> 00:09:44,621
of what I was talking
about earlier.
227
00:09:44,623 --> 00:09:46,540
When a woman says,
"Do you really want to know?"
228
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:48,458
you think you want
to know, but trust me,
229
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:49,676
you don't really
want to know.
230
00:09:49,678 --> 00:09:52,079
No, I really want to know.
231
00:09:52,081 --> 00:09:54,798
There's someone else.
232
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,352
You're right.
233
00:09:58,354 --> 00:10:00,303
I did not want to know.
234
00:10:00,305 --> 00:10:03,473
It's someone I was involved
with many years ago,
235
00:10:03,475 --> 00:10:06,143
and he's having a very,
very rough time and...
236
00:10:06,145 --> 00:10:07,527
and he needs me.
237
00:10:07,529 --> 00:10:10,280
Oh.
238
00:10:10,282 --> 00:10:12,582
Well, that clears it up.
239
00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:15,235
Hey, if you like hanging out
240
00:10:15,237 --> 00:10:17,204
with guys who are down
on their luck,
241
00:10:17,206 --> 00:10:20,607
why don't you just shack up
with my loser friend?
242
00:10:26,164 --> 00:10:27,497
Um,
243
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:28,749
I'm actually not available.
244
00:10:28,751 --> 00:10:29,883
(groans)
245
00:10:29,885 --> 00:10:32,169
♪ Men. ♪
246
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,834
♪ Men. ♪
247
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,187
Wait a minute,
there's another guy?
248
00:10:39,189 --> 00:10:40,188
Yep.
249
00:10:40,190 --> 00:10:42,023
Better than Walden?
250
00:10:42,025 --> 00:10:43,408
Apparently.
251
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:44,942
I'm sorry,
252
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:47,228
unless this new guy can fly
around the room
253
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,346
and shoot fire out his ass,
254
00:10:49,348 --> 00:10:52,200
that bitch is crazy.
255
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:53,951
Hey.
256
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,870
Well, hey,
look who's finally up.
257
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:57,155
How you feeling, buddy?
258
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,856
A little hungover.
259
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,708
Berta, you got
any pot brownies?
260
00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:04,128
Until they cure glaucoma.
261
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,548
Thanks.
262
00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:08,916
You want a glass of milk
263
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,385
or something
to wash that down with?
264
00:11:10,387 --> 00:11:11,753
No, I'm good. Thanks.
265
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:14,806
Instead of getting loaded,
maybe you want to talk about it?
266
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:18,509
(garbled): What is there
to talk about, Alan?
267
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,762
She's with another guy!
268
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:24,215
I changed my mind
about the milk.
269
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:29,687
I mean, how can another
guy give her anything
270
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,055
that I can't give her?
271
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:33,908
Maybe he doesn't talk
with his mouth full.
272
00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:37,528
You know what?
273
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,747
I don't think the other
guy can give her
274
00:11:39,749 --> 00:11:40,782
anything I can't.
275
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,233
Well, you're probably right.
276
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:43,668
Probably?
277
00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:47,622
Definitely!
278
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,075
You know what?
Let's just make a list.
279
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,410
Okay, here we go.
Look at this.
280
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,296
Walden... and the other guy.
281
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,964
Let's just call him "Dick."
282
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,416
Okay.
283
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,385
Ability to provide.
284
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,687
Walden-- billionaire.
285
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,605
Dick? Less.
286
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:07,308
That's one point for me.
287
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,359
Okay, looks.
288
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,444
You win.
289
00:12:09,446 --> 00:12:12,597
Thank you, Berta.
290
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,482
I didn't want to say so
myself.
291
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,484
Oh! Humility.
292
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,319
That's two more checks for me.
293
00:12:19,404 --> 00:12:22,406
Okay, what else? Oh, just
an all-around great guy.
294
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,958
Everybody likes me.
295
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,710
Who likes Dick?
296
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,718
Um...
Berta, please.
297
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:37,889
Oh, God.
298
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,625
Zoey likes Dick.
299
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,312
Who am I kidding?
300
00:12:44,314 --> 00:12:46,614
Zoey loves Dick!
301
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,650
Oh, hey, hey.
302
00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:52,320
Take it easy.
303
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:01,696
I miss her, Alan.
304
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,498
I miss the way
she looks at me.
305
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,916
Yeah.
306
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,317
Her smile.
307
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:08,169
Sure, sure.
308
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:11,189
Her hair.
309
00:13:13,475 --> 00:13:15,009
Her cute little butt.
310
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:18,012
Hello, sailor.
311
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:21,682
Just the way our bodies
just fit perfectly together.
312
00:13:23,051 --> 00:13:26,070
Damn, I should've hugged him.
313
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,393
Trust me, buddy,
a stranger in your bed
314
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,729
is not gonna chase away
the memory of Zoey.
315
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,981
What do you
suggest I do?
316
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:40,318
Well, what usually helps me
is a bottle of supermarket vodka
317
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,021
and masturbating using
my tears as lubricant.
318
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:47,542
So I'm just supposed to accept
being alone forever?
319
00:13:47,544 --> 00:13:49,327
Hey, you will
never be alone
320
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,195
because I will
never leave you.
321
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:52,330
Thanks.
322
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,664
Can't get rid of me.
323
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,683
I'm like a dry cough.
324
00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:58,920
Yeah, you might be
onto something.
325
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,305
Maybe I should just
give up women.
326
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:02,390
We should go gay!
327
00:14:02,392 --> 00:14:04,592
(chuckles) Good one.
328
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:06,093
But no, I'm serious.
329
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,095
Really?
330
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:11,682
Okay, okay, if we're gonna
do it, we got to do it right.
331
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,384
We'll get married
in New Hampshire,
332
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,653
uh, register at Pottery Barn,
333
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:17,054
adopt a Chinese baby.
334
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:19,023
Ooh, we can wear scarves
at our wedding!
335
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,608
You would look
great in a scarf.
336
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,693
It hides the turkey neck.
337
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,196
We live together,
we like each other,
338
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,530
we're halfway there.
339
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,282
Sure, sure. Mailman already
thinks we're gay.
340
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,251
Yeah, he does.
341
00:14:30,253 --> 00:14:32,119
At night, we could
sit out on the deck
342
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,704
and grill up a
couple steaks.
343
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,873
Steaks? Who are we kidding?
Seared ahi.
344
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,675
Oh, better.
Maybe some couscous?
345
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,594
I love couscous!
Yeah!
346
00:14:39,596 --> 00:14:40,744
Then, after dinner,
347
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,746
we could go inside
and watch the game.
348
00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:44,015
Or if the game's
a blowout,
349
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:45,683
we switch
to Project Runway.
350
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:49,103
Yeah! Yeah, what
do you think?
351
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:50,921
Mr. and Mr.
Walden Schmidt.
352
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:54,392
So I would take your name?
Why wouldn't we take my name?
353
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,993
'Cause I'm the
breadwinner.
354
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:59,297
So you think making a home
isn't work?
355
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,866
I am sorry.
356
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,101
We'll hyphenate.
357
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:05,769
Schmidt-Harper.
358
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,121
Harper-Schmidt.
359
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,906
Fine.
360
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,107
I'll order the towels.
361
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:15,546
So, listen, um, would we be
having sex like guys do?
362
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:16,631
I would.
363
00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:19,000
You'd be having sex
more like a woman does.
364
00:15:20,485 --> 00:15:21,552
Hmm.
365
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:22,787
Problem?
366
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:26,173
No, I'm open to it.
No pun intended.
367
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,426
But?
368
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,928
Look, I'm willing
to take one for the team;
369
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,797
it's just...
if this doesn't work out,
370
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:36,901
I'd have to know
I'm gonna be provided for.
371
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,803
What is that
supposed to mean?
372
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:41,038
It means
I'm not signing a prenup.
373
00:15:42,491 --> 00:15:45,660
Excuse me, is
this seat taken?
374
00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:47,644
No, help yourself.
375
00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:49,530
Thanks.
376
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,868
Yo, forget what I said
about giving up women.
377
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,536
No, yeah,
I was just goofin'.
378
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,987
I'm Walden.
379
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:58,956
So close.
380
00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:11,435
I told you I had
a big backyard.
381
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:16,640
You didn't tell me
it was so... wet.
382
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,861
Yeah, I got to get
my sprinklers checked.
383
00:16:20,863 --> 00:16:24,348
This happens every day.
384
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,400
(both chuckle)
385
00:16:39,548 --> 00:16:42,049
Whoa...
386
00:16:42,051 --> 00:16:43,867
Are you okay?
387
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:46,520
Yeah, I think so.
388
00:16:48,890 --> 00:16:51,175
No, I don't think so.
389
00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:59,233
Um, are you as high
as I am?
390
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:02,103
I'm pretty baked.
391
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,904
You're also pretty pretty.
392
00:17:03,906 --> 00:17:05,940
Aw...
393
00:17:11,446 --> 00:17:15,366
Are you ready to get freaky?
394
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,719
(chuckles)
I am way ahead of you.
395
00:17:20,422 --> 00:17:22,289
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,241
Mmm...
397
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:27,762
You must think
I'm awfully easy.
398
00:17:27,764 --> 00:17:31,298
No, I think
you're wonderfully easy.
399
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,517
(giggles)
400
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:35,919
Uh-oh, here we go again.
401
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,222
(Jill's voice): I didn't expect anything
like this to happen
402
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,024
when I went to a bar alone
403
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:43,110
in a short skirt
and no underwear.
404
00:17:43,112 --> 00:17:45,146
Ah, geez.
405
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,614
What's the matter?
406
00:17:46,616 --> 00:17:48,899
Nothing. I...
407
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,535
I'm just coming out
of a bad breakup,
408
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:53,070
so I'm a little shaky.
409
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,488
That's okay.
410
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,124
I know how to make you
forget her.
411
00:17:57,126 --> 00:17:58,375
(chuckles)
412
00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:01,996
(both moaning)
413
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,005
Uh-oh.
414
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:14,809
You still thinking
about your girlfriend?
415
00:18:14,811 --> 00:18:16,644
No.
416
00:18:16,646 --> 00:18:18,479
It's my ex-wife this time.
417
00:18:18,481 --> 00:18:21,816
Okay. Let's try again.
418
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:26,937
(moaning)
419
00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:33,977
Mommy!
420
00:18:33,979 --> 00:18:35,579
Mommy?
421
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:39,650
Okay... Daddy.
422
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:42,819
(laughing): Can we just hold on
for a second?
423
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:44,338
Am I doing something wrong?
424
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,323
No, no.
425
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,125
I, um...
426
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,328
I might just be
a little too high.
427
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:56,350
Okay, let's slow it down.
I got nowhere to be.
428
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,335
Great.
429
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,937
Okay.
430
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:10,531
(Jill's voice):
I could kiss you all night long.
431
00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,116
(Walden screams)
432
00:19:14,035 --> 00:19:16,370
I could have made him
scream like that.
433
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:18,239
♪ Men. ♪
434
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:24,470
WALDEN:
I'm really sorry.
435
00:19:24,570 --> 00:19:25,937
Me, too.
436
00:19:25,939 --> 00:19:28,439
I don't usually mistake
the women I'm sleeping with
437
00:19:28,441 --> 00:19:31,993
for adult contemporary
pop artists.
438
00:19:31,995 --> 00:19:34,445
That's new.
439
00:19:36,314 --> 00:19:38,416
I need air.
440
00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:42,670
(inhales deeply)
441
00:19:42,672 --> 00:19:43,988
(groans)
442
00:19:43,990 --> 00:19:46,924
All right, no pot for a while.
443
00:19:46,926 --> 00:19:48,376
ZOEY:
Oh, bull dunny.
444
00:19:48,378 --> 00:19:50,294
It wasn't the pot.
445
00:19:50,296 --> 00:19:53,464
Would you please just get out
of my head?
446
00:19:53,466 --> 00:19:56,851
Yelling's not gonna solve
your problems, Walden.
447
00:19:56,853 --> 00:19:58,686
Oh, damn it.
448
00:19:58,688 --> 00:20:01,389
Women leaving,
that's your problem.
449
00:20:01,391 --> 00:20:03,691
Not right now, it isn't!
450
00:20:04,559 --> 00:20:06,694
It was my fault, really.
451
00:20:06,696 --> 00:20:09,347
Oh, great.
452
00:20:09,349 --> 00:20:11,348
I was the first to abandon him.
453
00:20:11,350 --> 00:20:14,535
Oh, you didn't abandon him;
you had a career.
454
00:20:14,537 --> 00:20:16,954
(scoffs) Tell him that.
455
00:20:16,956 --> 00:20:20,541
Would, uh... just all of you
just leave me alone?!
456
00:20:20,543 --> 00:20:22,293
Go away, I tell you! Go away!
457
00:20:22,295 --> 00:20:25,162
No way I'm signing a prenup.
458
00:20:26,931 --> 00:20:29,766
You know what?
Just get out of my head!
459
00:20:30,555 --> 00:20:31,887
All of you, just leave me alone!
460
00:20:31,889 --> 00:20:35,889
== sync by Tony, corrected by elderman ==