1
00:00:01,026 --> 00:00:02,076
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,042 --> 00:00:04,759
So, what have you
been up to?
3
00:00:04,761 --> 00:00:06,544
I started a new
software company
4
00:00:06,546 --> 00:00:08,312
with my old partner
Billy Stanhope.
5
00:00:08,314 --> 00:00:10,497
You really think we can finally
build the electric suitcase?
6
00:00:10,499 --> 00:00:12,216
Yes. We have the technology now.
7
00:00:12,218 --> 00:00:13,834
Something you should know.
8
00:00:13,836 --> 00:00:15,269
It's about your ex-wife.
9
00:00:15,271 --> 00:00:16,387
What, Bridget?
10
00:00:16,389 --> 00:00:17,972
Yeah. I'm, uh...
11
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:19,607
kind of sleeping with her.
12
00:00:19,609 --> 00:00:21,359
What?
Wait! Hey!
13
00:00:24,363 --> 00:00:25,746
Morning.
14
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It's 2:00 p.m.
15
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So?
16
00:00:29,852 --> 00:00:31,535
It's Saturday; I slept in.
17
00:00:31,537 --> 00:00:33,404
It's Sunday.
18
00:00:33,406 --> 00:00:35,072
Really?
19
00:00:35,074 --> 00:00:36,457
That's disturbing.
20
00:00:36,459 --> 00:00:40,194
So what did you do last night
that you had to sleep all day?
21
00:00:40,196 --> 00:00:41,545
One thing at a time.
22
00:00:41,547 --> 00:00:44,498
I'm still trying to figure out
what happened to Saturday.
23
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Jake, you're gonna graduate
high school in a few days.
24
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Don't you think it's time
25
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,303
to start getting
your life together?
26
00:00:49,305 --> 00:00:50,838
I will if you will.
27
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,340
What?
28
00:00:52,342 --> 00:00:54,708
I will certainly
consider that, Father.
29
00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:55,893
This is serious.
30
00:00:55,895 --> 00:00:57,678
You will never amount to
anything if you sleep all day.
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WALDEN:
Morning.
32
00:01:03,518 --> 00:01:05,486
I'm sorry, I was distracted
33
00:01:05,488 --> 00:01:07,321
by the naked billionaire
that just woke up.
34
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Shut up and eat
your damn cereal.
35
00:01:10,910 --> 00:01:13,277
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
36
00:01:13,279 --> 00:01:16,747
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
37
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Man, I did not think Jeremy
was ever gonna stop talking.
38
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Yeah.
39
00:01:33,237 --> 00:01:36,704
That guy really puts the "dict"
in "valedictorian."
40
00:01:36,706 --> 00:01:39,391
Thinks he's so great just
'cause he's going to Harvard.
41
00:01:39,393 --> 00:01:40,926
Where is Harvard anyway?
42
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Dude, didn't you learn
anything in high school?
43
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It's the capital of Connecticut.
44
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,883
Are you sure?
45
00:01:48,885 --> 00:01:49,901
Yeah.
46
00:01:49,903 --> 00:01:51,419
Harvard, Connecticut.
47
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What'd you think
was the capital of Connecticut?
48
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"C."
49
00:01:56,559 --> 00:01:59,444
(laughs)
50
00:01:59,446 --> 00:02:00,912
You're an idiot.
51
00:02:00,914 --> 00:02:02,897
I don't know why
I hang out with you.
52
00:02:02,899 --> 00:02:03,932
'Cause you're gay.
53
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,250
Well, what does that make you?
54
00:02:05,252 --> 00:02:07,502
Attractive.
55
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:12,624
So are your parents giving you
a hard time about your "future"?
56
00:02:12,626 --> 00:02:13,741
Oh, yeah.
57
00:02:13,743 --> 00:02:15,010
Both my mom and my dad.
58
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I'm sick of hearing it.
59
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Yeah. "If you're not going to
college, you need to get a job""
60
00:02:19,683 --> 00:02:22,133
Where do they
get this stuff?
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00:02:22,135 --> 00:02:24,302
Beats me.
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00:02:27,556 --> 00:02:29,757
So what are we gonna do?
63
00:02:29,759 --> 00:02:31,860
About what?
64
00:02:31,862 --> 00:02:33,612
Our future.
65
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Oh.
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00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:40,752
I could go for
some frozen yogurt.
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Good idea, man.
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Let's go.
69
00:02:43,123 --> 00:02:45,490
Should we take
our robes off?
70
00:02:45,492 --> 00:02:46,658
No, no, leave them on.
71
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They'll attract smart chicks.
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00:02:51,330 --> 00:02:53,999
Come on, Judith.
He's your son too.
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I have videotape of him
shooting out of your body.
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00:02:58,671 --> 00:03:00,422
Yes, I've talked to him
75
00:03:00,424 --> 00:03:03,224
about his lack of plans,
but it's like talking to a wall.
76
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A very good-natured,
but dense wall.
77
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Of course I'm concerned,
but what do you want me to do?
78
00:03:12,102 --> 00:03:15,470
No, I'm not gonna ask Walden
to give him a job.
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00:03:16,772 --> 00:03:19,024
Because it would
be an imposition.
80
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Yes, more of an imposition
than me living there for free.
81
00:03:23,664 --> 00:03:26,948
Okay, okay, if it'll get you
to shut up, I'll ask him.
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She's never
gonna shut up.
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Okay, okay.
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Good-bye, Judith.
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(scoffs)
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I am so thankful
I have you in my life.
87
00:03:38,679 --> 00:03:40,795
What about my son?
88
00:03:40,797 --> 00:03:42,330
What about him?
89
00:03:42,332 --> 00:03:45,166
You're gonna ask Walden for a
job for Jake, but not Eldridge?
90
00:03:47,002 --> 00:03:48,436
Of course not.
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I was just gonna hold Eldridge
back to sweeten the deal.
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BILLY:
I have a question.
93
00:03:59,266 --> 00:04:00,598
What?
94
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,818
Why didn't you order
adjustable chairs?
95
00:04:03,820 --> 00:04:06,204
I did.
96
00:04:06,206 --> 00:04:08,189
Mine's adjustable.
97
00:04:08,191 --> 00:04:09,290
Well, wait.
98
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,691
How'd you do that?
99
00:04:10,693 --> 00:04:13,411
This lever right here.
100
00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,246
I don't have a lever.
101
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Hmm?
102
00:04:16,666 --> 00:04:19,000
Well, that's too bad,
you being so short and all.
103
00:04:19,002 --> 00:04:22,253
You did this to get back at me.
104
00:04:22,255 --> 00:04:23,671
I don't know
what you're talking about.
105
00:04:23,673 --> 00:04:25,557
For sleeping with your ex-wife.
106
00:04:25,559 --> 00:04:28,660
Do you really think
that I am so petty
107
00:04:28,662 --> 00:04:32,680
that I would pay a chair
manufacturer an extra $480
108
00:04:32,682 --> 00:04:37,018
to remove the adjustable
height feature?
109
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That is crazy talk.
110
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How's everything down there
at the Lollipop Guild?
111
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,665
Hey, guys.
112
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Am I interrupting?
113
00:04:51,952 --> 00:04:52,834
Hey, Alan.
114
00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:54,452
Just thought
I'd bring you by
115
00:04:54,454 --> 00:04:56,921
a little office-warming
dieffenbachia.
116
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Ah, thank you.
117
00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:01,292
Looks like you got the place
up and running.
118
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We're getting there.
119
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Electric Suitcase, Inc.
120
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Very, very impressive.
(laughs)
121
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What can I do for you?
122
00:05:10,837 --> 00:05:13,388
Oh, nothing. I just came
to drop off my gift
123
00:05:13,390 --> 00:05:14,722
and wish you well.
124
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Okay.
125
00:05:17,309 --> 00:05:19,060
Okay, well, I'll get out
of your hair.
126
00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:21,362
Uh, nice to see
you again.
127
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,448
Yep. Always a thrill.
128
00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:25,817
Oh, there is one thing.
129
00:05:25,819 --> 00:05:28,203
Here we go.
Here we go.
130
00:05:28,205 --> 00:05:31,372
Um, you know Jake
just graduated high school.
131
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,491
Oh, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't
make it to the ceremony.
132
00:05:33,493 --> 00:05:35,293
Oh, don't be silly.
No one expected you to.
133
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You know what?
Here...
134
00:05:36,446 --> 00:05:39,497
why don't you give this
to him for me.
135
00:05:39,499 --> 00:05:41,299
Ooh, a hundred dollars.
136
00:05:41,301 --> 00:05:43,818
I will make sure he gets this.
137
00:05:46,672 --> 00:05:49,424
What? I-I don't
even know the kid.
138
00:05:49,426 --> 00:05:50,925
Oh, of course not.
(laughs)
139
00:05:50,927 --> 00:05:53,061
Um, anyway, I was
just wondering, um,
140
00:05:53,063 --> 00:05:56,130
since you've started
this exciting venture
141
00:05:56,132 --> 00:05:57,632
and obviously you're hiring,
142
00:05:57,634 --> 00:06:00,318
that there might be
an opportunity here for Jake.
143
00:06:01,136 --> 00:06:02,604
He's not going to college?
144
00:06:02,606 --> 00:06:04,739
Not unless he's
delivering pizzas.
145
00:06:04,741 --> 00:06:06,357
Uh, probably true,
146
00:06:06,359 --> 00:06:07,975
but he has a good heart,
147
00:06:07,977 --> 00:06:10,311
and I'm afraid if I
can't find him a decent job,
148
00:06:10,313 --> 00:06:11,996
he might have to sell it.
149
00:06:11,998 --> 00:06:14,115
Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry.
150
00:06:14,117 --> 00:06:15,533
I-I like Jake,
151
00:06:15,535 --> 00:06:18,953
but I just don't think
we have anything for him here.
152
00:06:18,955 --> 00:06:20,205
Oh, oh, okay.
153
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:22,423
I understand.
You know, he's just my kid.
154
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:23,791
Our future. But, um,
155
00:06:23,793 --> 00:06:26,461
but thanks anyway.
156
00:06:26,463 --> 00:06:27,679
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold it, hold it.
157
00:06:27,681 --> 00:06:29,013
Yeah? Yeah?
158
00:06:29,015 --> 00:06:32,050
Does he know anything
about computers at all?
159
00:06:32,052 --> 00:06:34,602
Not per se,
but he is eager to learn.
160
00:06:34,604 --> 00:06:37,438
He's like a sponge when it comes
to soaking up information.
161
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,008
No, he isn't.
162
00:06:40,010 --> 00:06:42,343
Will you at least give me
the sponge part?
163
00:06:42,345 --> 00:06:44,028
Yeah, if you lay him
on a wet spot,
164
00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:45,947
he might absorb liquid.
165
00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:48,733
Why are you being
such a jerk, man?
166
00:06:48,735 --> 00:06:50,068
Let's give
the boy a shot.
167
00:06:50,070 --> 00:06:51,286
Billy,
168
00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:53,488
I've seen this kid spend
an entire afternoon
169
00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:56,691
smoking dope and trying
to lick his own nipples.
170
00:06:56,693 --> 00:07:00,328
Who amongst us
hasn't... done...
171
00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:03,498
Look, we will...
we will take him on, okay?
172
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:06,501
Billy...
He'll be my responsibility.
173
00:07:06,503 --> 00:07:08,086
Oh, thank you so much.
You will not regret it.
174
00:07:08,088 --> 00:07:11,839
Yes, you will.
I will send him right over.
175
00:07:11,841 --> 00:07:13,141
Oh, one more thing,
176
00:07:13,143 --> 00:07:15,426
uh, my girlfriend's son
needs a job too,
177
00:07:15,428 --> 00:07:16,844
but you're gonna love him,
he's...
178
00:07:16,846 --> 00:07:18,229
blonde. Bye.
179
00:07:20,332 --> 00:07:22,383
Okay, I'm telling you
right now,
180
00:07:22,385 --> 00:07:24,986
this is a bad idea.
181
00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,573
How did you do that?
182
00:07:28,575 --> 00:07:31,025
I don't know what
you're talking about.
183
00:07:36,732 --> 00:07:38,199
Okay, fellas...
184
00:07:38,201 --> 00:07:39,867
this is the heart and soul
185
00:07:39,869 --> 00:07:41,536
of The Electric Suitcase.
186
00:07:41,538 --> 00:07:43,070
300 state of the art,
187
00:07:43,072 --> 00:07:44,756
high bandwidth servers
188
00:07:44,758 --> 00:07:46,574
all working
in tandem.
189
00:07:46,576 --> 00:07:48,176
Cool.
Awesome.
190
00:07:48,178 --> 00:07:49,427
Any questions so far?
191
00:07:49,429 --> 00:07:50,911
Uh, yeah.
Is there a cafeteria
192
00:07:50,913 --> 00:07:52,513
or do we order in?
193
00:07:53,766 --> 00:07:55,967
There's a cafeteria
on the 14th floor.
194
00:07:55,969 --> 00:07:57,685
Oh. Cool.
I got a question.
195
00:07:57,687 --> 00:07:58,386
Yes?
196
00:07:58,388 --> 00:07:59,920
Do they have donuts?
197
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:03,057
Was I lying?
198
00:08:03,059 --> 00:08:06,027
I don't know if I have donuts.
199
00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:08,446
That's okay.
It's not a deal-breaker.
200
00:08:08,448 --> 00:08:09,697
Glad to hear it.
201
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:10,949
Uh, okay, guys...
202
00:08:10,951 --> 00:08:13,284
all you have to do
between now
203
00:08:13,286 --> 00:08:14,786
and 8:00 tomorrow morning,
204
00:08:14,788 --> 00:08:18,990
is watch the lights
on these servers, all right?
205
00:08:18,992 --> 00:08:20,208
If a green goes to red,
206
00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:21,926
it means the drive
is about to fail
207
00:08:21,928 --> 00:08:23,077
so all you do...
208
00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:25,213
you pop it out
209
00:08:25,215 --> 00:08:26,881
and you replace it
210
00:08:26,883 --> 00:08:29,283
with a fresh one
from right here.
211
00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:31,052
Got it. No problem.
All right.
212
00:08:31,054 --> 00:08:33,855
Oh, and there's no smoking dope
in this building.
213
00:08:33,857 --> 00:08:35,289
No, sir.
Absolutely not.
214
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,809
Not inside the building.
215
00:08:37,811 --> 00:08:40,094
Or outside the building.
216
00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:41,663
How about the roof?
217
00:08:41,665 --> 00:08:42,930
No.
218
00:08:42,932 --> 00:08:44,832
What about before
we come to work?
219
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:45,833
No!
220
00:08:45,835 --> 00:08:47,368
What about brownies?
221
00:08:47,370 --> 00:08:50,405
There's no pot, period!
222
00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:53,808
No brownies, no God, no roof,
no outside, no inside.
223
00:08:53,810 --> 00:08:55,910
No problem.
All right.
224
00:08:56,912 --> 00:08:58,062
Good.
225
00:08:58,064 --> 00:09:00,331
Oh, and we just want
to take this opportunity
226
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:02,667
to thank you both for
this great opportunity.
227
00:09:02,669 --> 00:09:05,003
'Cause let's face it,
it is an opportunity.
228
00:09:05,005 --> 00:09:07,505
And it's great.
Opportunity.
229
00:09:07,507 --> 00:09:10,425
Remember, this is on you.
230
00:09:11,844 --> 00:09:12,844
Oh, and on a personal note,
231
00:09:12,846 --> 00:09:14,178
thank you
for the graduation money.
232
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:15,980
It's my pleasure.
233
00:09:15,982 --> 00:09:18,516
A kid my age can always
use an extra 50 bucks.
234
00:09:23,856 --> 00:09:25,390
You know,
235
00:09:25,392 --> 00:09:27,975
I kind of like this whole
"working for a living" thing.
236
00:09:27,977 --> 00:09:29,427
It feels good, you know?
237
00:09:29,429 --> 00:09:30,778
Responsible, grownup.
238
00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:32,130
Absolutely.
239
00:09:32,132 --> 00:09:35,116
All right, we have
successfully downloaded
240
00:09:35,118 --> 00:09:37,735
40,000 hours of porn.
241
00:09:37,737 --> 00:09:40,488
That's a lot to watch
two minutes at a time.
242
00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:42,306
I just hope Billy
and Walden don't notice
243
00:09:42,308 --> 00:09:44,058
that we're using
their hard drives.
244
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:46,828
Don't worry. I've labeled
every movie "personal."
245
00:09:46,830 --> 00:09:48,463
Oh. Good thinking.
246
00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:50,882
Oh, red light. I got it.
247
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:55,520
Nicely done.
248
00:09:55,522 --> 00:09:57,872
We got this job nailed, my man.
Yeah.
249
00:09:57,874 --> 00:09:59,006
And the best part is,
250
00:09:59,008 --> 00:10:01,075
we are in on the ground floor
of the company.
251
00:10:01,077 --> 00:10:03,094
(beeps)
Oh, another one.
252
00:10:03,096 --> 00:10:04,429
Allow me.
253
00:10:04,431 --> 00:10:06,848
Maybe they'll give us
stock options and we'll be rich.
254
00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:08,266
What exactly is a stock option?
255
00:10:08,268 --> 00:10:10,485
It's a call option on the
common stock of a company,
256
00:10:10,487 --> 00:10:12,603
issued as a form
of cash compensation.
257
00:10:12,605 --> 00:10:13,888
If the company stock rises,
258
00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:15,490
the holder of the option
259
00:10:15,492 --> 00:10:18,076
generally experiences
a direct financial benefit.
260
00:10:18,078 --> 00:10:20,178
Where'd you learn that?
261
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:23,230
Wikipedia.
It's not just for term papers.
262
00:10:23,232 --> 00:10:26,250
The point is,
we're gonna be rich.
263
00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:27,835
(beeps)
Oh, another one.
264
00:10:27,837 --> 00:10:30,404
Cool. So we'll have
our own planes
265
00:10:30,406 --> 00:10:32,507
and yachts and chicks.
266
00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:34,375
And tons of pot.
Chicks with pot.
267
00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:35,593
Chicks with pot in bikinis.
268
00:10:35,595 --> 00:10:36,878
Naked chicks with pot.
269
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,045
On a yacht.
270
00:10:38,047 --> 00:10:40,231
I like that a lot.
271
00:10:40,233 --> 00:10:41,299
Uh-oh.
272
00:10:41,301 --> 00:10:42,984
That's not good.
273
00:10:42,986 --> 00:10:44,993
Yeah. Why are they all
going bad at the same time?
274
00:10:45,018 --> 00:10:46,054
I don't know.
275
00:10:46,055 --> 00:10:47,805
It's like there's
some sort of virus.
276
00:10:47,807 --> 00:10:50,090
Like the kind you get
when you download too much...
277
00:10:50,092 --> 00:10:52,093
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
278
00:10:53,112 --> 00:10:54,212
Maybe we should call Billy!
279
00:10:54,214 --> 00:10:56,096
No, we can do this!
280
00:10:58,050 --> 00:10:59,600
Okay, we can't do this.
281
00:10:59,602 --> 00:11:01,886
Call Billy!
Call Billy!
282
00:11:01,888 --> 00:11:03,404
Hello?
283
00:11:03,406 --> 00:11:05,123
Billy, it's Jake.
284
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:07,608
(hissing)
285
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,329
I just want to start once again
286
00:11:11,331 --> 00:11:13,915
by saying how grateful we are
for this opportunity.
287
00:11:13,917 --> 00:11:15,299
It's great.
288
00:11:28,424 --> 00:11:31,993
How did this happen?
289
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,211
Oh, I... I don't know.
290
00:11:34,213 --> 00:11:37,832
Well, faulty wiring
or, uh, cheap hardware...
291
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,500
Definitely not
a porn virus.
292
00:11:39,502 --> 00:11:40,501
Shut up.
293
00:11:40,503 --> 00:11:41,802
How could you guys do this?
294
00:11:41,804 --> 00:11:43,637
I went out on a limb for you.
295
00:11:43,639 --> 00:11:44,638
I believed in you.
296
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,622
Well, thank you.
297
00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:47,791
It was... it was a
wonderful opportunity.
298
00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,143
Oh, great opportunity.
299
00:11:51,763 --> 00:11:54,148
So, when do we get paid?
300
00:11:54,150 --> 00:11:56,100
(chuckles wryly)
301
00:11:56,102 --> 00:11:57,184
Okay.
302
00:11:57,186 --> 00:11:59,437
Yeah, you can't.
I know their parents.
303
00:12:02,774 --> 00:12:04,775
Hey. What are you guys
doing here?
304
00:12:04,777 --> 00:12:07,495
I thought your shift
didn't end till 8:00 a.m.
305
00:12:07,497 --> 00:12:08,829
Well, we got done early.
306
00:12:08,831 --> 00:12:10,498
Oh. Everything go okay?
307
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,782
I was kind of worried
308
00:12:11,784 --> 00:12:13,968
you might burn the whole place
down or something.
309
00:12:13,970 --> 00:12:16,921
Well, it wasn't "or something."
310
00:12:21,943 --> 00:12:24,945
How am I supposed to find jobs
in the next 24 hours?
311
00:12:24,947 --> 00:12:26,380
Beats me.
312
00:12:26,382 --> 00:12:28,015
It's like our parents
are clueless
313
00:12:28,017 --> 00:12:30,034
about how bad
the economy is.
314
00:12:30,036 --> 00:12:32,186
Yeah.
315
00:12:33,071 --> 00:12:34,472
You know what,
316
00:12:34,474 --> 00:12:36,474
instead of working
for someone else,
317
00:12:36,476 --> 00:12:38,309
we should start
our own business.
318
00:12:38,311 --> 00:12:39,977
I like that.
319
00:12:39,979 --> 00:12:42,646
We could find some
adventure capitalists
320
00:12:42,648 --> 00:12:45,199
and become, um--
what do you call--
321
00:12:45,201 --> 00:12:46,700
entrepraneers.
322
00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:48,986
Yeah. It's not like we
don't have our own good idea.
323
00:12:48,988 --> 00:12:50,704
We have great ideas.
324
00:12:53,408 --> 00:12:57,211
Hey, maybe we can put other
food on a stick and sell it.
325
00:12:57,213 --> 00:13:00,798
Yeah. Pizza on a stick.
326
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:01,698
Pizza sticks.
327
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:02,366
Pie.
328
00:13:02,368 --> 00:13:03,534
Pie sticks.
329
00:13:03,536 --> 00:13:04,668
Fish.
330
00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:08,372
Yeah, what are we
going to call those?
331
00:13:08,374 --> 00:13:10,374
Fish-sicles!
332
00:13:10,376 --> 00:13:11,725
Genius!
333
00:13:11,727 --> 00:13:12,893
Yeah.
334
00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:14,678
MAN:
Excuse me.
335
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:16,204
Did I hear you guys say
336
00:13:16,206 --> 00:13:17,538
you're looking for jobs?
337
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:18,690
Yeah.
338
00:13:18,692 --> 00:13:20,091
Why?
339
00:13:36,291 --> 00:13:38,292
Maybe it's me.
340
00:13:38,294 --> 00:13:40,201
I'm an idiot magnet.
341
00:13:40,203 --> 00:13:41,753
ALAN:
Hey.
342
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,976
Yup.
343
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:50,116
Hi.
344
00:13:50,117 --> 00:13:51,283
How you doing?
345
00:13:51,285 --> 00:13:52,818
Not so good.
346
00:13:52,820 --> 00:13:55,153
Yeah, yeah, we heard,
and we're so, so sorry.
347
00:13:55,155 --> 00:13:56,505
So, so very sorry.
348
00:13:56,507 --> 00:13:58,740
Yeah, well, thank God
the files are backed up
349
00:13:58,742 --> 00:14:00,692
and insurance will cover
most of the damage.
350
00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:01,877
That's great news!
351
00:14:01,879 --> 00:14:03,028
Yes. Phew!
352
00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:04,546
(laughing)
353
00:14:06,332 --> 00:14:11,587
You do realize that
your children are not normal.
354
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:15,540
Well, yeah, but, you know,
what's normal?
355
00:14:15,542 --> 00:14:17,059
And-and in Jake's defense,
356
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:18,727
he never would have done
anything like this
357
00:14:18,729 --> 00:14:20,846
unless, uh, you know.
358
00:14:20,848 --> 00:14:23,015
(chuckling nervously)
359
00:14:23,017 --> 00:14:25,183
"You know" what, Alan?
360
00:14:25,185 --> 00:14:27,319
Well, I didn't want to,
you know, say anything
361
00:14:27,321 --> 00:14:29,771
but, uh, but clearly there's
a bad influence involved here.
362
00:14:29,773 --> 00:14:31,773
I mean, I don't want
to point any fingers,
363
00:14:31,775 --> 00:14:34,726
but, uh, his name rhymes
with "smeldridge."
364
00:14:34,728 --> 00:14:36,144
(Lyndsey scoffs)
365
00:14:36,146 --> 00:14:38,497
Oh, my God.
366
00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:40,248
You-you can't be serious.
367
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,584
My son had never been in trouble
in his life
368
00:14:42,586 --> 00:14:44,202
until he met your son.
369
00:14:44,204 --> 00:14:45,504
Never been in trouble?
370
00:14:45,506 --> 00:14:46,672
He tried
to counterfeit money
371
00:14:46,674 --> 00:14:48,507
with a computer
and an inkjet printer.
372
00:14:48,509 --> 00:14:50,709
The government dropped
the charges.
373
00:14:50,711 --> 00:14:52,711
Only because
there's no such thing
374
00:14:52,713 --> 00:14:54,579
as a $25 bill.
375
00:14:54,581 --> 00:14:56,548
LYNDSEY:
Yeah? Yeah? Well,
376
00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:58,183
well, what about when Jake stole
your brother's Mercedes
377
00:14:58,185 --> 00:15:00,302
and lost it in Topanga Canyon?
378
00:15:00,304 --> 00:15:01,770
He didn't steal it.
He borrowed it.
379
00:15:01,772 --> 00:15:03,922
And he was only driving it
because my brother was drunk
380
00:15:03,924 --> 00:15:06,391
and someone had to take
his hooker home.
381
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:10,896
In Topanga Canyon,
which is where she lived.
382
00:15:10,898 --> 00:15:12,781
You are always making excuses
for him.
383
00:15:12,783 --> 00:15:14,166
And you don't excuse Eldridge?
384
00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:16,151
LYNDSEY: Hey, he went through
a very rough divorce.
385
00:15:16,153 --> 00:15:17,369
ALAN:
And Jake didn't?
386
00:15:17,371 --> 00:15:19,955
LYNDSEY: Well, at least your
wife traded up.
387
00:15:19,957 --> 00:15:21,239
Wh-what is that supposed
to mean?
388
00:15:21,241 --> 00:15:23,792
Really?
That was too subtle for you?
389
00:15:25,712 --> 00:15:28,246
Hey, everybody, good news.
390
00:15:28,248 --> 00:15:30,082
You don't have to worry
about us finding work.
391
00:15:30,084 --> 00:15:31,383
You-you got a job?
392
00:15:31,385 --> 00:15:32,918
Yeah. It's not
just a job though.
393
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,220
It's an adventure.
394
00:15:35,222 --> 00:15:37,139
What?
395
00:15:37,141 --> 00:15:40,291
We're gonna be
all we can be.
396
00:15:42,845 --> 00:15:44,996
Oh, oh, no-no, you didn't.
397
00:15:44,998 --> 00:15:46,231
We didn't what?
398
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:47,649
Join the Army.
399
00:15:47,651 --> 00:15:50,635
Yeah, we joined the Army.
How'd you know?
400
00:15:52,271 --> 00:15:55,741
You need to listen to me.
401
00:15:57,326 --> 00:16:00,595
They are not normal.
402
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:09,955
Uh, hiya.
403
00:16:09,957 --> 00:16:11,373
Hi.
404
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:12,591
Looking for a new career?
405
00:16:12,593 --> 00:16:14,843
Um, I'm 44 years old.
406
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:16,011
That's okay.
407
00:16:16,013 --> 00:16:17,829
Today's Army is all-inclusive.
408
00:16:17,831 --> 00:16:21,099
You can be as old and as gay
as you want.
409
00:16:21,101 --> 00:16:24,019
Uh, well,
that's-that's good to know.
410
00:16:24,021 --> 00:16:26,521
Um, uh, but I-I actually wanted
to talk to you
411
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:28,774
about my son, Jake Harper.
412
00:16:29,642 --> 00:16:31,476
Harper. Harper.
413
00:16:31,478 --> 00:16:33,945
Oh, yeah,
wants to be a drone pilot.
414
00:16:33,947 --> 00:16:35,030
Yeah, he told me.
415
00:16:35,032 --> 00:16:36,364
He thinks it's like
a video game.
416
00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:37,566
Oh, it is.
417
00:16:37,568 --> 00:16:39,017
It's exactly like a video game.
418
00:16:39,019 --> 00:16:41,536
Except we blow up real people.
419
00:16:41,538 --> 00:16:44,456
Yeah, actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
420
00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:45,490
Um,
421
00:16:45,492 --> 00:16:46,658
I love my son,
422
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:47,909
uh, but more importantly,
423
00:16:47,911 --> 00:16:50,245
I love my country,
424
00:16:50,247 --> 00:16:53,248
uh, which is why
I don't think my son
425
00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:56,201
should have access
to flying bombs.
426
00:16:57,386 --> 00:16:59,704
Or really any kind of weapon.
427
00:16:59,706 --> 00:17:01,206
I mean, between you and me,
428
00:17:01,208 --> 00:17:03,592
I've seen him try to pick up
spilled food with a fork
429
00:17:03,594 --> 00:17:05,427
and stab himself in the leg.
430
00:17:05,429 --> 00:17:07,179
And not just once.
431
00:17:07,181 --> 00:17:10,515
I understand your concern,
but our training is unsurpassed.
432
00:17:10,517 --> 00:17:12,400
We take boys
and turn them into men.
433
00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:14,219
I know you think that...
434
00:17:15,571 --> 00:17:18,056
...but you don't know him
like I do.
435
00:17:18,058 --> 00:17:19,658
He's 18, right?
Yeah.
436
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:22,077
Not currently on probation
or under indictment?
437
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,329
No.
Is this his signature?
438
00:17:24,331 --> 00:17:25,413
Yeah.
439
00:17:25,415 --> 00:17:26,581
Then if he passes the physical,
440
00:17:26,583 --> 00:17:29,534
he's signed, stamped,
and off to camp.
441
00:17:30,369 --> 00:17:33,038
I see.
442
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,373
Oh, look, al-Qaeda!
443
00:17:36,242 --> 00:17:38,593
It's just a copy!
444
00:17:39,796 --> 00:17:41,429
Hey, guys, you like video games?
445
00:17:46,352 --> 00:17:48,136
Congratulations, Jake.
446
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:50,856
I know I'm only your stepdad,
but I'm real proud of you.
447
00:17:50,858 --> 00:17:52,641
Thanks, Herb.
Were you ever in the Army?
448
00:17:52,643 --> 00:17:55,277
Well, the KISS Army.
449
00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:59,064
But I don't think
that really counts.
450
00:17:59,066 --> 00:18:01,233
You think Mom's ever gonna
stop crying
451
00:18:01,235 --> 00:18:02,433
before I go?
452
00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:03,718
(sobbing quietly)
453
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,770
My guess is no.
454
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:07,706
Don't worry, Mom.
455
00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:08,990
I'll be fine.
456
00:18:08,992 --> 00:18:10,125
I'm a grown man now.
457
00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:11,960
No, you're not.
458
00:18:11,962 --> 00:18:14,112
You're my bigheaded baby.
459
00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:16,331
(sobbing)
460
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:19,634
(piano playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
461
00:18:33,132 --> 00:18:34,733
So, Berta,
are you gonna miss me?
462
00:18:34,735 --> 00:18:36,518
Nah, why should I miss you?
463
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,653
You're just an extra
toilet to clean.
464
00:18:38,655 --> 00:18:41,156
That is, when you
hit the toilet.
465
00:18:41,158 --> 00:18:44,559
(piano playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
466
00:18:57,773 --> 00:19:00,292
Don't worry, Grandma.
I'll make you proud of me.
467
00:19:00,294 --> 00:19:03,511
I've always been proud
of you, darling.
468
00:19:03,513 --> 00:19:05,297
In my own way.
469
00:19:05,299 --> 00:19:08,917
(piano playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
470
00:19:22,481 --> 00:19:24,482
Thanks for everything.
471
00:19:24,484 --> 00:19:27,569
Come here.
472
00:19:27,571 --> 00:19:31,356
(piano playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
473
00:19:36,879 --> 00:19:38,496
Look at
the bright side, Dad.
474
00:19:38,498 --> 00:19:40,165
You won't have
to buy me clothes anymore.
475
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:41,833
They're gonna give me
a dress uniform,
476
00:19:41,835 --> 00:19:44,702
a work uniform, and even one
for when I'm tired.
477
00:19:44,704 --> 00:19:46,304
What?
478
00:19:46,306 --> 00:19:48,840
Yeah, they call 'em "fatigues."
479
00:19:48,842 --> 00:19:51,542
I don't know why they just
wouldn't call 'em pajamas.
480
00:19:51,544 --> 00:19:54,145
Oh, my son, my son.
481
00:19:54,147 --> 00:19:57,432
(piano playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
482
00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:20,755
You be a good boy,
and you do what you're told,
483
00:20:20,757 --> 00:20:22,590
and promise me
you'll be careful.
484
00:20:22,592 --> 00:20:24,042
Don't worry about me.
485
00:20:25,294 --> 00:20:28,546
Worry about
our nation's enemies.
486
00:20:32,268 --> 00:20:34,436
I am worried.
487
00:20:40,482 --> 00:20:42,277
DRILL SERGEANT:
Come on, you lazy pukes!
488
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,247
Move it! Move it! Move it!
489
00:20:44,249 --> 00:20:46,482
When do we start flying
the robot planes?
490
00:20:46,484 --> 00:20:47,583
(grunting)
491
00:20:47,585 --> 00:20:49,168
(straining):
I don't know.
492
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,634
Maybe after lunch.
493
00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:54,395
No, we're going
on a five-mile run after lunch.
494
00:20:54,397 --> 00:20:56,080
No, I'm gonna skip that.
495
00:20:56,082 --> 00:20:57,564
I want to take a nap.