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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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Oh, Charlie.
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I would have given anything
to be like you.
4
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Even for a day.
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I'm Melanie.
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Nice to meet you, Melanie.
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I'm...
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Charlie.
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00:00:17,512 --> 00:00:19,113
Charlie Harper.
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Whoa. Look who's getting busy.
11
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Hey.
12
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He's acting like
my Uncle Charlie.
13
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He's even dressing
like my Uncle Charlie.
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People are really
worried about you.
15
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The only reason people
are worried about me
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00:00:32,769 --> 00:00:35,236
is 'cause they can't wrap their
heads around how cool I am.
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- I'm fine.
- What's your name?
18
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- Charlie Harper.
- You're not fine.
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I've got a great idea.
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00:00:43,296 --> 00:00:45,296
You and me, Vegas.
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This doesn't look
like the Bellagio.
22
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Uh, it's the, uh, back entrance.
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Hello, Mr. Harper.
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If you could,
just come with us.
25
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Uh, don't forget my bags.
26
00:00:52,505 --> 00:00:54,222
And we'll be going
to the presidential suite?
27
00:00:54,224 --> 00:00:55,473
Oh, yes, sir.
28
00:00:55,475 --> 00:00:58,176
Uh, I'm going to need
a bucket of ice,
29
00:00:58,178 --> 00:01:01,179
a bottle of scotch
and two Asian hookers.
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Yes. Thanks.
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Winning.
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♪ Men. ♪
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Here you go,
Mr. Harper.
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Now that you're leaving us,
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you can have your belt
and shoelaces back.
36
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Oh. Thank you.
37
00:01:17,163 --> 00:01:19,163
But believe me,
there was never any possibility
38
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I was going to hurt myself.
39
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Yeah, well,
it only takes one whack job
40
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hanging from the shower curtain
to ruin it for everybody.
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I... I suppose.
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And I guess I did lose it
for a little while there.
43
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Lose it?
44
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We had a pool on how
long it would take
45
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to get you toilet
trained again.
46
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Really?
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Cost me 50 bucks.
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And a pair of nice white shoes.
49
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Sorry.
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I tend to leak under pressure.
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So you think
you're ready
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to go back out
into the world?
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Yeah. Yeah, I do.
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I mean, I've, uh,
learned a lot about myself
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in the last month, and I...
I now have the tools
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to deal with life
on life's terms.
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You know, a lot of people
say that,
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but you'd be surprised
how another couple of weeks
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of treatment can make
all the difference in the world.
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You have another pool,
don't you?
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Nothing personal.
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Just trying to get even.
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Sorry I couldn't be more help.
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That's okay.
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Got $100 says you'll be back
before Christmas.
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Thanks for your support.
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You really want to thank me,
stop taking your medication.
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Or double up.
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Either way, I'll have
a happy holiday.
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Hope you weren't planning
on leaving
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00:02:25,715 --> 00:02:28,733
before you give
your old buddy Gary a hug.
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Of course not.
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I love you.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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Thanks for picking me up.
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No problem.
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So you're not
crazy anymore?
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00:02:59,252 --> 00:03:01,402
I was never
actually crazy.
80
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Then why were you
in the nuthouse?
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It's not a nuthouse;
it's a stress clinic.
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What's the difference?
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About $2,500 a week.
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But the good news
is that I got a lot out of it.
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I mean, I am ready to deal
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with whatever life
throws at me, you know.
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Full speed ahead.
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Well, that's good, 'cause
I've got something
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I want to talk
to you about.
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Oh, anything.
Dad's here for you, pal.
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Cool.
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So remember Megan?
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Oh, yeah, that was, uh,
your little girlfriend.
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Uh, she's seems
like a great gal.
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Well, I'm glad
you like her
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'cause she's
kind of pregnant.
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Kind of?
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She's not showing yet.
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She's still in
her first semester.
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Oh, my God.
101
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How-how...
how did this happen?
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I mean, what about
our talks about, uh,
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sexual responsibility
and-and using protection?
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I can explain that.
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Go ahead.
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I was drunk.
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Okay. Okay.
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I have the tools.
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And how do you propose
to take care of this child?
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Oh, we got that
figured out.
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First, we're going to
quit school and get jobs.
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Okay, stop right there.
113
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What jobs?
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Advertising-- we're going
to teach the baby to talk
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and put him
in E-Trade commercials.
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You're joking.
117
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No. We figure the baby they got
is probably getting pretty old.
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What does your mother
think about this?
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- She doesn't know.
- What?
120
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I was hoping
you'd tell her.
121
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Why do I have to tell her?
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Because she already hates you
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and she scares the crap
out of me.
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Hey, there he is.
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Welcome home, buddy.
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Thank you.
I'm glad to be here.
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Yeah. How you feeling?
128
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Fine. Why are you
whispering?
129
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Oh, I don't want
to startle you.
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Walden, I'm okay.
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Yeah, sure you are.
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Hey, Walden,
guess what.
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I'm going to be a dad.
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Really?
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Wow.
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How you feel about
that, Grandpa?
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Well, it's, uh, not something
I would have chosen
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00:05:14,704 --> 00:05:16,804
for him at this stage
of his life,
139
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but he will continue
to have my love and support.
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If it's a boy,
we're going to name him Frodo.
141
00:05:23,596 --> 00:05:25,513
You're not making it
easy for me, pal.
142
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You should have
used a condom.
143
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Or you should have.
144
00:05:31,771 --> 00:05:34,439
Hey, look who's back
from the loony bin.
145
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It wasn't a loony bin;
it's a stress clinic.
146
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,727
Did they let you
keep your belt?
147
00:05:39,729 --> 00:05:41,245
Uh, well...
Loony bin.
148
00:05:41,247 --> 00:05:43,364
- There's your mail.
- Thank you.
149
00:05:43,366 --> 00:05:44,832
Hey, Berta,
I'm going to be a dad.
150
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What's funny?
151
00:05:49,238 --> 00:05:51,506
From where you're
standing, nothing.
152
00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:55,593
Did you tell
him your news?
153
00:05:55,595 --> 00:05:57,095
Mmm, it'll keep.
154
00:05:57,097 --> 00:05:58,346
Hey, open your mail.
155
00:05:58,348 --> 00:06:00,264
Okay. Let's see.
156
00:06:00,266 --> 00:06:02,216
Uh, bill, bill, jury duty,
157
00:06:02,218 --> 00:06:03,434
bill.
158
00:06:03,436 --> 00:06:04,585
Ooh! Oh, here we go.
159
00:06:04,587 --> 00:06:05,687
My refund from the IRS.
160
00:06:05,689 --> 00:06:06,804
Ooh.
Whew!
161
00:06:06,806 --> 00:06:08,940
Just in time
what with all these bills.
162
00:06:08,942 --> 00:06:11,309
Might want to set some of that
aside for Frodo's headshots.
163
00:06:15,864 --> 00:06:17,031
Huh.
164
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:19,266
It's not a refund at all.
165
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I'm being audited.
166
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What's so funny?
167
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From where you're
standing, nothing.
168
00:06:32,915 --> 00:06:34,048
I guess you're
probably wondering
169
00:06:34,050 --> 00:06:35,783
why I asked you guys
to come over.
170
00:06:35,785 --> 00:06:37,051
We understand, Alan.
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00:06:37,053 --> 00:06:39,954
Mental illness is nothing
to be ashamed of.
172
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I'm not mentally ill.
173
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It was a stress clinic.
174
00:06:42,792 --> 00:06:45,476
Did the door lock from the
inside or the outside?
175
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Uh, uh, well, the... the...
176
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Nevertheless, the reason
I called a family meeting
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00:06:53,269 --> 00:06:54,602
is because, uh, Jake
178
00:06:54,604 --> 00:06:56,821
and Megan
have some news.
179
00:06:56,823 --> 00:06:58,356
Oh, my God.
She's pregnant.
180
00:06:58,358 --> 00:06:59,657
Well, that was easy.
181
00:06:59,659 --> 00:07:01,192
Who wants cake?
182
00:07:01,194 --> 00:07:03,077
How could you do this?
183
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:05,113
She made me.
184
00:07:05,115 --> 00:07:06,197
What?
185
00:07:06,199 --> 00:07:07,448
Oh, come on.
186
00:07:07,450 --> 00:07:09,333
Between the two of us,
who was a virgin?
187
00:07:09,335 --> 00:07:10,985
Okay, okay.
188
00:07:10,987 --> 00:07:12,003
What's done is done,
189
00:07:12,005 --> 00:07:13,955
but if we can come
together as a family,
190
00:07:13,957 --> 00:07:15,489
we can deal with this
without finger-pointing.
191
00:07:15,491 --> 00:07:16,507
Your father's right.
192
00:07:16,509 --> 00:07:18,459
Let's just calm down
and talk it through.
193
00:07:18,461 --> 00:07:21,713
Is it just me,
or does Herb and Judith's kid
194
00:07:21,715 --> 00:07:23,848
look a lot like Alan?
195
00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:28,886
Well, you know,
there is a slight resemblance.
196
00:07:28,888 --> 00:07:30,855
- Damn it, Jake!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
197
00:07:30,857 --> 00:07:32,223
How could you be
so irresponsible?
198
00:07:32,225 --> 00:07:33,775
I mean, what were you thinking?
What were you thinking?
199
00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:35,693
Did we raise you not to know
any better than this?
200
00:07:35,695 --> 00:07:37,228
What do you have
to say for yourself?
201
00:07:37,230 --> 00:07:39,030
When are you going
to tell him your news?
202
00:07:39,032 --> 00:07:41,365
Ah, I don't want to
make things worse.
203
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:45,853
See, that's the big difference
between you and me.
204
00:07:45,855 --> 00:07:47,955
And you're a
grandpa now.
205
00:07:47,957 --> 00:07:49,523
Grandpa. Grandpa.
206
00:07:49,525 --> 00:07:51,525
A grandpa and grandma...
207
00:07:54,329 --> 00:07:55,529
Hey.
208
00:07:55,531 --> 00:07:57,165
Hey. How'd
your audit go?
209
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:59,217
It wasn't so much an audit
210
00:07:59,219 --> 00:08:02,637
as a brutal prison rape
with a number two pencil.
211
00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:04,138
I'm confused.
212
00:08:04,140 --> 00:08:06,140
Did you like it or not?
213
00:08:06,142 --> 00:08:09,177
They say I owe them $80,000.
214
00:08:09,179 --> 00:08:10,895
So not.
215
00:08:10,897 --> 00:08:13,097
But the good news is,
if they take
216
00:08:13,099 --> 00:08:15,183
everything I own,
they'll only get four.
217
00:08:15,185 --> 00:08:16,184
$4,000?
218
00:08:16,186 --> 00:08:17,902
Four dollars.
219
00:08:17,904 --> 00:08:19,353
But I'm not worried.
220
00:08:19,355 --> 00:08:22,824
Because I have the tools to cope
with whatever life throws at me.
221
00:08:23,659 --> 00:08:25,660
No, you don't.
222
00:08:25,662 --> 00:08:27,495
Alan?
223
00:08:27,497 --> 00:08:28,896
Oh, Lyndsey.
224
00:08:28,898 --> 00:08:31,365
Sweetheart,
are you a sight for sore eyes.
225
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:34,035
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
226
00:08:34,037 --> 00:08:36,037
Oh.
227
00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:38,072
Alan, you're home.
228
00:08:38,074 --> 00:08:41,342
Hey, Walden, I think now's
the time to tell him.
229
00:08:41,344 --> 00:08:43,044
Tell me what?
230
00:08:43,879 --> 00:08:45,713
Aw.
231
00:08:49,802 --> 00:08:51,686
What's so funny?
232
00:08:51,688 --> 00:08:54,722
From where I'm standing,
everything.
233
00:08:54,724 --> 00:08:57,024
♪ Men. ♪
234
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:02,584
♪ Men. ♪
235
00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:05,554
I'm sorry you had
to find out this way.
236
00:09:05,556 --> 00:09:06,789
Oh. Really? Really?
237
00:09:06,791 --> 00:09:09,058
How would you have liked me
to hear about it?
238
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,676
Twitter? Facebook?
A singing telegram?
239
00:09:10,678 --> 00:09:13,679
♪ Ta-ra-ra boom-dee-ay,
I banged your girl today ♪
240
00:09:13,681 --> 00:09:17,983
♪ 'Cause I'm a billionaire,
I still have all my hair. ♪
241
00:09:17,985 --> 00:09:19,318
I-I understand
that you're upset,
242
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,353
but you have to see this
from our viewpoint.
243
00:09:21,355 --> 00:09:22,604
What's your viewpoint?
244
00:09:22,606 --> 00:09:24,656
The sex is awesome.
245
00:09:25,909 --> 00:09:27,326
It really is.
246
00:09:27,328 --> 00:09:28,911
He's the best
I've ever had.
247
00:09:28,913 --> 00:09:30,645
No, you're the best
I've ever had.
248
00:09:30,647 --> 00:09:31,580
You're
the best I've had.
249
00:09:31,582 --> 00:09:32,831
- No, you.
- No, you.
250
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,783
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
251
00:09:34,785 --> 00:09:36,001
How did this happen?
252
00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:38,454
It was actually
kind of a meet cute.
253
00:09:38,456 --> 00:09:40,956
Uh, Lyndsey came here
to see where you were,
254
00:09:40,958 --> 00:09:42,424
and I told her
where you were,
255
00:09:42,426 --> 00:09:45,177
and then she started
to cry, and...
256
00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:48,163
bippity-boppity-boo,
we're having sex.
257
00:09:48,998 --> 00:09:50,132
Bippity-boppity-boo?
258
00:09:50,134 --> 00:09:51,850
How do you go
from crying to sex?
259
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:54,353
With him, it was always
the other way around.
260
00:09:54,355 --> 00:09:56,638
Okay, okay, and-and-and what
was the cute part?
261
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,357
Look at him.
262
00:09:58,359 --> 00:09:59,725
No, look at you.
263
00:09:59,727 --> 00:10:00,842
- No, you.
- No, you.
264
00:10:00,844 --> 00:10:04,113
Hey! Hey! I'm still here!
265
00:10:04,115 --> 00:10:05,697
I mean, how-how
could you do this?
266
00:10:05,699 --> 00:10:07,015
How-how could you have an affair
267
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:08,700
while I'm locked up
in the booby hatch?
268
00:10:08,702 --> 00:10:10,452
I thought it
was a stress clinic.
269
00:10:10,454 --> 00:10:13,489
Everybody knows what it was!
270
00:10:13,491 --> 00:10:16,291
I lost my freaking mind!
271
00:10:16,293 --> 00:10:19,912
But luckily, now I'm better,
so I have the tools
272
00:10:19,914 --> 00:10:23,365
to cope with whatever life
throws at me!
273
00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:27,719
That's great, Alan,
'cause there's one more thing.
274
00:10:27,721 --> 00:10:29,304
Oh, super. Let me have it.
275
00:10:29,306 --> 00:10:31,306
- You need to move out.
- What?!
276
00:10:31,308 --> 00:10:32,891
Come on, it'd be
creepy if you're
277
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:34,843
downstairs listening
while we're having sex.
278
00:10:34,845 --> 00:10:36,178
Lyndsey doesn't make any noise.
279
00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:37,563
I do now.
280
00:10:38,565 --> 00:10:40,766
Fine. Fine.
Let me just get my things.
281
00:10:40,768 --> 00:10:41,934
Uh, not necessary.
282
00:10:41,936 --> 00:10:43,352
We packed your stuff.
283
00:10:43,354 --> 00:10:45,988
Oh, yeah. It's all in a storage
bin out by the airport.
284
00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:48,657
But don't worry, I took care
of the first month's rent.
285
00:10:48,659 --> 00:10:49,825
Here's the key.
286
00:10:49,827 --> 00:10:51,276
Why, thank you.
287
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:53,745
You know, I hope someday,
we can look back
288
00:10:53,747 --> 00:10:56,665
at this as friends
and just laugh.
289
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,333
Someday?
290
00:10:58,335 --> 00:11:00,335
Why wait? Let's laugh now.
291
00:11:04,175 --> 00:11:05,507
Okay, I'll go.
292
00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:09,845
That's it!
293
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:12,714
I am done being a doormat.
294
00:11:12,716 --> 00:11:15,133
I'll show 'em.
295
00:11:15,135 --> 00:11:16,751
I will show 'em all.
296
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:19,438
They won't have Alan Harper
to kick around anymore.
297
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:23,025
And they will be sorry.
298
00:11:23,027 --> 00:11:25,644
Apologies will be made,
299
00:11:25,646 --> 00:11:28,363
tears will be wept,
300
00:11:28,365 --> 00:11:30,098
but it's all gonna be too late
301
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,784
'cause I am out of here!
302
00:11:32,786 --> 00:11:35,621
Sleeping the big sleep,
the ol' dirt nap.
303
00:11:35,623 --> 00:11:39,408
Adios, muchachos,
it's the last roundup.
304
00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:49,618
God, check, please.
305
00:11:56,792 --> 00:11:59,561
Perfect.
306
00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:02,964
♪ Men. ♪
307
00:12:11,808 --> 00:12:14,693
Hi! Hi, Mom, it's me!
308
00:12:14,695 --> 00:12:16,478
I need a place to stay.
309
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,997
Walden kicked me out
and my car blew up
310
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:21,450
and I had to hitchhike
over here!
311
00:12:21,452 --> 00:12:23,168
So, solly,
312
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,087
Missy Everyn no home.
313
00:12:25,089 --> 00:12:28,423
Missy Everyn?!
314
00:12:28,425 --> 00:12:29,424
Come on, Mom!
315
00:12:29,426 --> 00:12:30,375
What are you doing?
316
00:12:30,377 --> 00:12:31,877
Let me in!
I'm soaking wet,
317
00:12:31,879 --> 00:12:35,430
and I had to give a truck driver
a happy ending just to get here!
318
00:12:35,432 --> 00:12:38,967
Go away! I call po-rice!
319
00:12:38,969 --> 00:12:42,137
What kind of accent is
that supposed to be?!
320
00:12:42,139 --> 00:12:44,806
Herro? Po-rice?
321
00:12:44,808 --> 00:12:46,608
Clazy man outside.
322
00:12:46,610 --> 00:12:48,644
You come quick!
323
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:50,228
Fine, fine! I'm leaving!
324
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:51,480
Thanks a lot!
325
00:12:52,899 --> 00:12:54,199
Rots of ruck!
326
00:13:00,456 --> 00:13:02,541
Unbelievable.
327
00:13:02,543 --> 00:13:05,794
Blindsided by my son...
328
00:13:05,796 --> 00:13:08,130
reamed by the IRS...
329
00:13:08,132 --> 00:13:09,998
rejected by my lover...
330
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,367
betrayed by my friend...
331
00:13:12,369 --> 00:13:15,971
molested by a truck driver...
332
00:13:15,973 --> 00:13:18,707
cast out by my mother...
333
00:13:18,709 --> 00:13:22,928
and rained on by God.
334
00:13:22,930 --> 00:13:25,514
And this isn't even the worst
week of my life.
335
00:13:34,941 --> 00:13:36,858
Oh, come on.
336
00:13:42,448 --> 00:13:45,000
Might as well make myself
comfortable.
337
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:50,706
Nowhere to go from here.
338
00:13:52,575 --> 00:13:54,676
End of the line.
339
00:13:55,411 --> 00:13:57,346
Rock bottom.
340
00:13:57,348 --> 00:14:00,849
Can a man sink any lower?
341
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,938
Asked and answered.
342
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,857
Pardon me.
343
00:14:08,859 --> 00:14:11,259
Do you happen
to have a flashlight?
344
00:14:12,729 --> 00:14:14,112
Uh, what?
345
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:16,531
The light in my storage
unit isn't working.
346
00:14:16,533 --> 00:14:17,599
I need a flashlight.
347
00:14:17,601 --> 00:14:20,569
Oh. Uh, yeah, sure. Um...
348
00:14:20,571 --> 00:14:23,071
Yeah, uh... what the hell?
349
00:14:23,073 --> 00:14:25,073
Oh, here you go.
350
00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:26,375
Thank you.
351
00:14:26,377 --> 00:14:28,443
My fur coats all feel alike
in the dark.
352
00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:30,295
Lot of things feel alike
in the dark.
353
00:14:30,297 --> 00:14:33,114
Ooh, you rascal!
354
00:14:33,116 --> 00:14:34,666
Uh, I'm Alan Harper.
355
00:14:34,668 --> 00:14:36,218
Veronica Hastings.
356
00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:37,552
Come here often?
357
00:14:37,554 --> 00:14:40,121
No, but the night is young.
358
00:14:40,123 --> 00:14:42,224
Ooh. Innuendo?
359
00:14:42,226 --> 00:14:43,975
Not usually.
360
00:14:43,977 --> 00:14:46,428
But if you play
your cards right...
361
00:14:48,564 --> 00:14:49,898
Listen, Alan Harper,
362
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:51,817
I keep some nice wines
in my storage unit.
363
00:14:51,819 --> 00:14:53,235
Can I interest you
in a glass?
364
00:14:53,237 --> 00:14:55,270
I would like that very much.
365
00:14:55,272 --> 00:14:56,688
Don't go away.
366
00:14:56,690 --> 00:14:59,140
There is no chance
of that happening.
367
00:15:02,912 --> 00:15:07,916
You had a plan all along,
didn't you, God?
368
00:15:09,485 --> 00:15:10,652
Alan?
369
00:15:10,654 --> 00:15:12,754
Yes, Lord?
370
00:15:12,756 --> 00:15:14,122
Over here.
371
00:15:14,124 --> 00:15:16,625
Oh! Oh, Herb.
372
00:15:16,627 --> 00:15:18,593
What are you doing here?
373
00:15:18,595 --> 00:15:20,011
I called Walden.
374
00:15:20,013 --> 00:15:22,180
He told me this is where
I might find you.
375
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:25,350
Oh, well, I, uh, I appreciate
you stopping by,
376
00:15:25,352 --> 00:15:28,386
but I'm not really set up
for entertaining yet.
377
00:15:28,388 --> 00:15:29,971
I didn't just stop by.
378
00:15:29,973 --> 00:15:31,339
I have some news for you.
379
00:15:31,341 --> 00:15:34,059
Really? Good news?
380
00:15:34,061 --> 00:15:36,645
I had a DNA test done on
my daughter Millie.
381
00:15:36,647 --> 00:15:38,613
Oh?
382
00:15:38,615 --> 00:15:40,232
Turns out she's your daughter.
383
00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:42,818
Bad news.
384
00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:45,153
And it's about to get worse.
385
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:47,205
Oh, come on!
386
00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:48,022
Good-bye, Alan.
387
00:15:48,024 --> 00:15:49,541
Oh, no, Herb, please, please!
388
00:15:49,543 --> 00:15:51,993
I'm about get laid
by Jessica Rabbit!
389
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:56,381
No, Herb, no!
390
00:16:01,138 --> 00:16:04,306
Oh, thank God
I'm still in the loony bin.
391
00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:08,560
It's a stress clinic.
392
00:16:08,562 --> 00:16:11,646
♪ Men. ♪
393
00:16:15,693 --> 00:16:16,942
Thanks for picking me up.
394
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,292
No problem.
395
00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:20,461
I'm surprised Walden let
you take his car.
396
00:16:20,463 --> 00:16:21,596
I know, right?
397
00:16:21,598 --> 00:16:23,948
With my driving record?
398
00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:28,086
I'm really glad
you're feeling better.
399
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,120
You had me worried.
400
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:32,557
I'm sorry. Didn't mean to.
401
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,592
But everything's fine now.
402
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,177
Good.
403
00:16:36,179 --> 00:16:38,295
Hey, is it too soon
to talk to you
404
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:39,480
about something important?
405
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:42,133
You can talk to me
about anything.
406
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,519
I have the tools to cope.
407
00:16:44,521 --> 00:16:46,604
Cool. Remember Megan?
408
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,407
Oh, God...
409
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,776
Well, we've been
going out for a while now
410
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:52,743
and all of a sudden,
she's saying
411
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,245
she wants to see
other people,
412
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:58,082
but I want to keep it,
you know, monotonous.
413
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,818
That, that's it?
She's not pregnant?
414
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,203
No, of course not.
415
00:17:02,205 --> 00:17:04,505
I've been stuck at third base
for months.
416
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,175
That's a relief.
417
00:17:07,177 --> 00:17:09,677
For you, maybe.
418
00:17:09,679 --> 00:17:12,213
Anyway, I was just
wondering if you had
419
00:17:12,215 --> 00:17:14,765
some advice on how to keep
a woman from leaving you.
420
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:23,107
So how was
the food in there?
421
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:26,310
♪ Men. ♪
422
00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:29,363
It feels strange
to be back here.
423
00:17:29,365 --> 00:17:30,781
Just to warn you,
things are
424
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,400
a little bit different
than you remember them.
425
00:17:32,402 --> 00:17:33,284
What do you mean?
426
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,268
I promised Walden
427
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,286
I wouldn't tell you.
428
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,572
- Bye.
- Where you going?
429
00:17:37,574 --> 00:17:39,323
I'm gonna take Walden's car
over to Megan's,
430
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:40,658
see if it helps me
slide into home.
431
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,127
Wear protection!
432
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:45,529
I'm wearing it now!
433
00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:55,372
Whoa.
434
00:17:56,225 --> 00:17:58,876
Hey, buddy.
435
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,878
How ya doing?
436
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,481
I'm okay.
437
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,733
Good, good, I'm glad.
438
00:18:05,735 --> 00:18:06,717
Walden, you don't have
439
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,352
to talk to me
like a crazy person.
440
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,988
Oh, crazy people
don't talk like this.
441
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,273
Regular people talk
like this when
442
00:18:12,275 --> 00:18:13,858
they're talking
to crazy people.
443
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,777
Fine. Whatever.
444
00:18:16,779 --> 00:18:18,162
I see you finished
redecorating.
445
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,581
Yeah.
What do you think?
446
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:22,116
Ah, it looks fantastic.
447
00:18:22,118 --> 00:18:24,068
Oh, hey, check this out.
448
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:28,572
Computer, lights off.
449
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:32,877
Computer, music on.
450
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:36,347
♪ ♪
451
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:41,435
That's awesome.
452
00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:45,022
Yeah, it's the home
of tomorrow.
453
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,642
Except it's today.
454
00:18:48,977 --> 00:18:51,395
Computer, music off.
455
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,765
Okay, let me try.
456
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,701
Uh, computer, lights on.
457
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,152
Oh, no, that won't work.
458
00:18:58,154 --> 00:18:59,370
It's keyed to my voice.
459
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,773
Oh, well, then how do I turn
the lights on and off?
460
00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:06,944
You can't.
461
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,779
Hey, let me show you
the kitchen.
462
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:13,000
Boy, sure hope I can flush
the toilet.
463
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:15,469
♪ Ta-da! ♪
464
00:19:15,471 --> 00:19:18,923
Ta-da, indeed.
465
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,591
Oh, hey, check this out.
466
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,927
I connected the refrigerator
to the Internet.
467
00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:26,347
Ice.
468
00:19:26,349 --> 00:19:28,933
Wait for it.
469
00:19:32,187 --> 00:19:33,738
Is that cool or what?
470
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,823
And if I want ice?
471
00:19:35,825 --> 00:19:39,310
You just call me and then
I'll call the refrigerator.
472
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:43,147
Oh, oh, check this out.
473
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:46,701
Computer, television on.
474
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:50,755
- Wow!
- Yeah.
475
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,590
What is it about
a giant TV?
476
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,793
Right? I mean, just looking
at it gives me a chubby.
477
00:19:57,629 --> 00:20:00,097
Welcome home, buddy.
478
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:03,351
Oh, thanks, Walden,
but you and I both know
479
00:20:03,353 --> 00:20:05,303
this is not my home.
480
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,503
Oh, sure, it is.
481
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:08,339
No, let me finish.
482
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,608
I had a lot of time
to think while I was away.
483
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,811
At least after I came off
the thorazine.
484
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:17,782
And I realized that it's one
thing to live off my brother,
485
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,318
but he's gone and...
486
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,187
now his stuff's gone, too.
487
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:28,075
I really don't belong
here anymore.
488
00:20:28,077 --> 00:20:29,293
So you're moving out?
489
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:31,495
Oh, no, no! God, no!
490
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:34,531
I mean, look at
the size of this thing.
491
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,417
No, I just want
you to know that
492
00:20:36,419 --> 00:20:38,719
I'm aware of the
absurdity of our situation.
493
00:20:38,721 --> 00:20:40,638
Bring it in.
Oh...
494
00:20:42,974 --> 00:20:44,842
Computer, music on.
495
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:48,178
♪ And I will always
love you... ♪
496
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,710
And let me know if you need ice.