1 00:00:02,334 --> 00:00:04,569 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:05,776 --> 00:00:08,528 So you're not paying any rent at all? 3 00:00:08,529 --> 00:00:10,980 Walden doesn't want my money, we're friends. 4 00:00:10,982 --> 00:00:13,866 Wow. I can't wait till I grow up and find a friend 5 00:00:13,868 --> 00:00:15,735 of my own to live off of. 6 00:00:15,737 --> 00:00:18,371 That's my dream for you. 7 00:00:18,373 --> 00:00:19,789 Mail's here. 8 00:00:19,791 --> 00:00:21,774 Whoa! 9 00:00:21,776 --> 00:00:22,908 - Whoa! - Whoa! 10 00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,233 Hey! 11 00:00:28,322 --> 00:00:31,020 Uh, Walden, are you feeling okay? 12 00:00:31,021 --> 00:00:32,054 Yeah, fine. Why? 13 00:00:32,751 --> 00:00:35,958 Your junk's all over the couch, dude. 14 00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,358 Yeah, so? 15 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,628 It's my house, my couch, my junk. 16 00:00:40,630 --> 00:00:42,881 Fair point. 17 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:44,532 Remember, we're guests. 18 00:00:44,534 --> 00:00:46,167 I thought we were friends. 19 00:00:46,169 --> 00:00:48,636 What is this? 20 00:00:48,638 --> 00:00:52,924 Package for "Alan Smith" from "Penis Pump Industries." 21 00:00:52,926 --> 00:00:56,010 Nobody here by that name. 22 00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,646 I'll just... I'll take this back to the post office. 23 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,102 Oh boy, perfect. 24 00:01:04,104 --> 00:01:06,488 What? 25 00:01:06,490 --> 00:01:09,056 It's my divorce papers from Bridget. 26 00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:10,742 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man. 27 00:01:10,744 --> 00:01:13,194 I remember getting my divorce papers. 28 00:01:13,196 --> 00:01:14,896 That was a sad, sad day. 29 00:01:14,898 --> 00:01:16,030 Remember, Jake? 30 00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,832 I wasn't with you, I was with Mom. 31 00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:19,584 She had a party on a boat. 32 00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:23,421 You gonna be okay? 33 00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:25,123 Yeah, I'm fine. 34 00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:26,791 I guess I knew it was coming. 35 00:01:26,793 --> 00:01:28,259 Well, that's a very healthy attitude. 36 00:01:28,261 --> 00:01:30,261 Of course, I was hoping she'd change her mind. 37 00:01:30,263 --> 00:01:33,014 But if I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, 38 00:01:33,016 --> 00:01:34,582 guess which hand would be full? 39 00:01:34,584 --> 00:01:37,418 The poop hand? 40 00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,104 Bingo. 41 00:01:39,106 --> 00:01:41,306 Yes. 42 00:01:41,308 --> 00:01:44,692 Well, my marriage is over. 43 00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:46,561 Big deal. 44 00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:48,897 It's only the final death knell 45 00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:51,766 of the most meaningful relationship of my life. 46 00:01:51,768 --> 00:01:53,535 Bong. 47 00:01:53,537 --> 00:01:55,403 That was a knell. 48 00:01:55,405 --> 00:01:57,455 But you're young. 49 00:01:57,457 --> 00:01:59,958 I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. 50 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,210 Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure. 51 00:02:02,212 --> 00:02:03,878 It's easy to find a soul mate. 52 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,381 Heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn. 53 00:02:06,383 --> 00:02:08,550 Oh, look, a soul mate! 54 00:02:08,552 --> 00:02:11,118 Oh, jeepers, there's another soul mate! 55 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,455 Everywhere I look it's another soul mate. 56 00:02:14,457 --> 00:02:16,141 No, it's a great day. 57 00:02:16,143 --> 00:02:19,293 It's just another fabulous day in the life of Walden Schmidt. 58 00:02:19,295 --> 00:02:20,929 Yah! 59 00:02:27,369 --> 00:02:29,521 Dad? 60 00:02:29,523 --> 00:02:30,655 Yeah? 61 00:02:30,657 --> 00:02:33,708 Please tell me I'm not done growing. 62 00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:37,144 Knock yourself out. 63 00:02:38,146 --> 00:02:40,999 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 64 00:02:41,001 --> 00:02:44,202 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ 65 00:02:44,204 --> 00:02:47,372 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ 66 00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:49,507 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 67 00:02:49,509 --> 00:02:52,010 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 68 00:02:52,012 --> 00:02:55,046 ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 69 00:02:55,048 --> 00:02:57,498 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 70 00:03:06,190 --> 00:03:08,124 ♪ Men. ♪ 71 00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:16,316 - Walden? - Yeah? 72 00:03:16,318 --> 00:03:19,502 What you doing? 73 00:03:19,504 --> 00:03:22,088 If I'm going to forget Bridget and start a new life, 74 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:24,140 I got to get rid of the old one. 75 00:03:24,142 --> 00:03:27,310 Uh-huh. So, uh, so this is all... 76 00:03:27,312 --> 00:03:29,996 Wedding photos and love letters. 77 00:03:29,998 --> 00:03:31,197 Right, right. 78 00:03:32,917 --> 00:03:34,834 Oh, this is from our second date. 79 00:03:34,836 --> 00:03:36,753 "I am bananas over you." 80 00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:38,338 Isn't that adorable? 81 00:03:39,290 --> 00:03:42,876 Burn in Hell, little monkey. 82 00:03:42,878 --> 00:03:46,930 This-- wedding video. 83 00:03:46,932 --> 00:03:49,099 Honeymoon video. 84 00:03:49,101 --> 00:03:51,468 Oh, maybe I'll keep that one. 85 00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:55,221 Listen, I understand that you're very upset right now, 86 00:03:55,223 --> 00:03:56,606 but there may come a time 87 00:03:56,608 --> 00:03:58,841 when you'll regret not having some of this stuff. 88 00:03:58,843 --> 00:04:01,194 You still have your wedding photos? 89 00:04:01,196 --> 00:04:02,896 Well, the half that she gave me. 90 00:04:02,898 --> 00:04:05,648 And by half, I mean half of each picture. 91 00:04:07,536 --> 00:04:10,236 Yeah, well, I don't want any mementos. 92 00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:12,739 In fact, I don't even want to think about Bridget anymore. 93 00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:15,208 I am wiping the hard drive. 94 00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,627 Okay. I'm rebooting the system. 95 00:04:17,629 --> 00:04:19,579 Whatever makes you happy. And to really get a clean start, 96 00:04:19,581 --> 00:04:21,714 I'm going to sell this place and move to New York. 97 00:04:21,716 --> 00:04:24,451 With the possible exception of that. 98 00:04:24,453 --> 00:04:25,552 Why? 99 00:04:25,554 --> 00:04:27,036 What do you mean why? 100 00:04:27,038 --> 00:04:30,673 If you sell the place, I wouldn't be able to live... 101 00:04:30,675 --> 00:04:32,976 ...with myself. 102 00:04:32,978 --> 00:04:36,729 If I didn't encourage you to reconsider, 103 00:04:36,731 --> 00:04:39,099 and maybe talk to a professional. 104 00:04:39,101 --> 00:04:40,733 Like a shrink? 105 00:04:40,735 --> 00:04:44,053 This could all be a sign of clinical depression. 106 00:04:44,055 --> 00:04:45,888 I guess you would know. 107 00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:48,408 If you're interested, I could recommend a good psychiatrist. 108 00:04:48,410 --> 00:04:50,410 The one that my brother used to go to. 109 00:04:50,412 --> 00:04:53,246 Uh, your brother ended up dead. 110 00:04:53,248 --> 00:04:55,565 Well, yeah, that's 'cause a crazy woman 111 00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,333 pushed him in front of a train. 112 00:04:57,335 --> 00:04:59,169 You can't blame his shrink for that. 113 00:04:59,171 --> 00:05:02,172 If anything, blame the crazy woman's shrink. 114 00:05:02,174 --> 00:05:04,424 I guess I got nothing to lose, huh? 115 00:05:05,426 --> 00:05:06,843 I'm in. 116 00:05:06,845 --> 00:05:09,095 Okay. Well, I'll go get her number. 117 00:05:09,097 --> 00:05:14,217 Geez, being a parasitic leech is exhausting. 118 00:05:15,436 --> 00:05:17,604 ♪ Men. ♪ 119 00:05:17,606 --> 00:05:20,857 I'm sure you're aware that depression is often the result 120 00:05:20,859 --> 00:05:22,258 of repressed anger. 121 00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:24,727 I'm not angry. 122 00:05:24,729 --> 00:05:26,613 Well, I got to tell you, Walden, 123 00:05:26,615 --> 00:05:30,150 burning all the mementos and photographs from your marriage 124 00:05:30,152 --> 00:05:32,935 can be construed as an angry gesture. 125 00:05:32,937 --> 00:05:35,655 That's not an angry gesture. This is an angry gesture. 126 00:05:35,657 --> 00:05:36,956 Arr! 127 00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:39,292 That's a good one, too. 128 00:05:40,794 --> 00:05:43,663 Why don't we put your marriage on the back burner for now. 129 00:05:43,665 --> 00:05:45,048 Let's talk about your childhood. 130 00:05:45,050 --> 00:05:48,051 I had a very happy childhood. 131 00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,452 Filled with wonderful memories. 132 00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:50,803 Your parents still together? 133 00:05:50,805 --> 00:05:53,423 No, and I don't want to talk about it. 134 00:05:55,059 --> 00:05:57,810 All right, fine. 135 00:05:57,812 --> 00:06:01,514 My first childhood memory 136 00:06:01,516 --> 00:06:04,317 was my father disappearing when I was three. 137 00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:06,152 He abandoned you and your mother? 138 00:06:06,154 --> 00:06:07,604 No, he disappeared. 139 00:06:07,606 --> 00:06:10,523 He was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick. 140 00:06:10,525 --> 00:06:12,525 Oh. 141 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:15,945 And then when I was four, 142 00:06:15,947 --> 00:06:18,581 he ran off with a lady sword swallower. 143 00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,984 At least that's what my mother called her. 144 00:06:21,986 --> 00:06:25,538 In retrospect, it might have been a euphemism. 145 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,091 So what was your mother like? 146 00:06:28,093 --> 00:06:31,044 Well, after Dad left, she raised me by herself. 147 00:06:31,046 --> 00:06:32,512 And how was that? 148 00:06:32,514 --> 00:06:34,097 It was great. 149 00:06:34,099 --> 00:06:36,266 She did everything for me. 150 00:06:36,268 --> 00:06:38,334 And I always felt safe with her. 151 00:06:38,336 --> 00:06:40,220 That sounds wonderful. 152 00:06:40,222 --> 00:06:41,521 It was. 153 00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:44,190 And the saddest day of my life was when it ended. 154 00:06:44,192 --> 00:06:45,508 Why, what happened? 155 00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:47,377 I got married. 156 00:06:48,178 --> 00:06:49,946 Hello. 157 00:06:51,532 --> 00:06:54,150 How did your wife and your mother get along? 158 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:56,452 Not very well. I don't know why, though. 159 00:06:56,454 --> 00:06:58,521 Maybe it was just 'cause they were so different. 160 00:06:58,523 --> 00:07:00,240 I see. 161 00:07:00,242 --> 00:07:02,125 Tell me more about your wife. 162 00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:03,209 Bridget? 163 00:07:03,894 --> 00:07:05,662 She's great. 164 00:07:05,664 --> 00:07:07,080 She did everything for me. 165 00:07:07,082 --> 00:07:08,881 And I always felt very safe with her. 166 00:07:08,883 --> 00:07:12,252 Oh, isn't that what I said about my mother? 167 00:07:12,254 --> 00:07:15,371 Oh, Walden, you went and beat me to it. 168 00:07:15,373 --> 00:07:17,557 I wonder if when we get right down to it, 169 00:07:17,559 --> 00:07:18,841 I married my mother. 170 00:07:18,843 --> 00:07:20,643 And we're off. 171 00:07:20,645 --> 00:07:23,062 What are we saying here? 172 00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:26,266 That Bridget's right and I am emotionally immature? 173 00:07:26,268 --> 00:07:27,734 And all those years 174 00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:30,887 I was treating her more like a mother than a wife? 175 00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:32,939 And how would that make you feel if that were true? 176 00:07:32,941 --> 00:07:35,057 That would make me feel very angry. 177 00:07:35,059 --> 00:07:38,394 And repressed anger is sometimes the cause of... 178 00:07:38,396 --> 00:07:39,562 Depression. 179 00:07:39,564 --> 00:07:41,581 Ta-da. 180 00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,166 Ta-da. 181 00:07:43,168 --> 00:07:46,502 That's the last thing my dad said before he disappeared. 182 00:07:48,255 --> 00:07:50,707 Is that it? Am I cured? 183 00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:53,576 Well, "cured" is one of those laymen's terms 184 00:07:53,578 --> 00:07:56,579 that we psychiatrists try to avoid. 185 00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:59,182 It hurts repeat business. 186 00:07:59,184 --> 00:08:00,566 Do I need to come back? 187 00:08:00,568 --> 00:08:02,602 I'm thinking three times a week. 188 00:08:02,604 --> 00:08:04,103 Well, I was going to leave town. 189 00:08:04,105 --> 00:08:05,755 Well, then you have a choice to make. 190 00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:08,558 You can stay here and make your problems go away, 191 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,977 or you can go away with your problems. 192 00:08:10,979 --> 00:08:14,364 Well, that is going in my book. 193 00:08:14,366 --> 00:08:17,667 Okay, I need to know one more thing. 194 00:08:17,669 --> 00:08:19,319 When I was having sex with my wife, 195 00:08:19,321 --> 00:08:21,120 was I really having sex with my mother? 196 00:08:21,122 --> 00:08:23,239 I'm thinking double sessions. 197 00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:24,540 Monday, Wednesday, Thursday? 198 00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:27,660 What... You... Um, you don't work on Fridays? 199 00:08:27,662 --> 00:08:29,379 Not anymore. 200 00:08:29,381 --> 00:08:30,446 I'll see you next week. 201 00:08:30,448 --> 00:08:32,749 - Thank you, Dr. Freeman. - You're welcome. 202 00:08:32,751 --> 00:08:35,585 Oh, gosh. Okay, that's fine. 203 00:08:35,587 --> 00:08:37,754 Bye-bye now. 204 00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:40,456 Bye. 205 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,345 Hmm, maybe I'm not gay. 206 00:08:47,765 --> 00:08:50,450 It turns out all these years, I've been trying to duplicate 207 00:08:50,452 --> 00:08:52,985 the good feelings I have for my mother with my wife. 208 00:08:52,987 --> 00:08:55,905 Oh, see, you lose me at good feelings toward my mother. 209 00:08:55,907 --> 00:08:58,825 Uh, I would like a jumbo hot dog, 210 00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:01,194 an extra large nachos and a super slushee. 211 00:09:01,196 --> 00:09:02,528 Um... you want anything? 212 00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,574 No, I'm good. 213 00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,115 Oh, come on, you treated me to the movie, 214 00:09:05,116 --> 00:09:06,649 let me treat you to a snack. 215 00:09:06,651 --> 00:09:09,118 Give my friend a small popcorn. 216 00:09:13,424 --> 00:09:14,507 Oh, God! 217 00:09:14,509 --> 00:09:15,825 What? 218 00:09:15,827 --> 00:09:17,493 It's my wife. 219 00:09:17,495 --> 00:09:19,379 Oh... Wow! 220 00:09:19,381 --> 00:09:23,165 That is one handsome man she's with. 221 00:09:24,268 --> 00:09:25,551 You think? 222 00:09:25,553 --> 00:09:27,353 Oh, yeah. He's gorgeous. 223 00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:30,223 He's better looking than me? 224 00:09:30,225 --> 00:09:32,108 Well, it's apples and oranges. 225 00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:35,027 I mean, you're prettier, but he's more... 226 00:09:36,697 --> 00:09:38,614 What do I do here? 227 00:09:38,616 --> 00:09:40,578 Well, the adult thing would be to say hello 228 00:09:40,603 --> 00:09:42,735 and meet her new fella, but I'm a big believer in 229 00:09:42,736 --> 00:09:44,868 yelling fire and escaping in the confusion. 230 00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:48,491 No, no. I'm going to be a grownup. 231 00:09:48,493 --> 00:09:49,792 Bridget! 232 00:09:49,794 --> 00:09:51,744 Hiya! Over here! 233 00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:55,298 Oh, Lord. 234 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,700 The closer he gets, the better he looks. 235 00:09:57,702 --> 00:10:00,920 Uh, Walden, this is Alex. Alex, Walden. 236 00:10:00,922 --> 00:10:02,505 Heard a lot about you. 237 00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:05,892 Yeah? Did you hear about my giant penis? 238 00:10:09,681 --> 00:10:11,547 I smell smoke. Does anybody else smell smoke? 239 00:10:11,549 --> 00:10:13,215 Hey, Alan, Hi. 240 00:10:13,217 --> 00:10:14,434 Hey. 241 00:10:14,436 --> 00:10:16,552 Alan lives with Walden. 242 00:10:16,554 --> 00:10:19,939 So, Alex... 243 00:10:19,941 --> 00:10:22,224 What do you do? 244 00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:24,360 I'm a cosmetic surgeon. 245 00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:28,998 Really? Beverly Hills, Botox, boobies? 246 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,536 More like Mogadishu, cleft palates and burn victims. 247 00:10:33,538 --> 00:10:37,507 He travels around the world helping children in war zones. 248 00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:39,792 Oh. 249 00:10:41,411 --> 00:10:43,129 What are you guys, like, on a date? 250 00:10:43,131 --> 00:10:46,132 Walden, you knew eventually I'd start seeing other people. 251 00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:47,099 Nuh-uh. 252 00:10:47,101 --> 00:10:48,250 Whatever. 253 00:10:48,252 --> 00:10:49,886 Um, we should go. 254 00:10:49,888 --> 00:10:51,938 Nice to meet you. 255 00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:55,441 Really? What about this was nice? 256 00:10:58,261 --> 00:11:01,364 You didn't tell me he turned gay. 257 00:11:01,366 --> 00:11:05,067 He's gonna split that little guy in half. 258 00:11:06,937 --> 00:11:09,655 What a loser. 259 00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:12,658 That'll be $47.28. 260 00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:14,544 Oh, oh, damn. 261 00:11:14,546 --> 00:11:16,612 I-I left my wallet in the car. 262 00:11:16,614 --> 00:11:17,830 Uh, do you mind? 263 00:11:17,832 --> 00:11:19,999 Oh, yeah, sure. 264 00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:22,885 Oh, and throw in some Twizzlers. 265 00:11:22,887 --> 00:11:25,054 No, no, the big one. 266 00:11:29,918 --> 00:11:30,951 ♪ Men. ♪ 267 00:11:30,953 --> 00:11:32,336 I think you handled that very well, 268 00:11:32,338 --> 00:11:33,838 seeing Bridget with another guy. 269 00:11:34,539 --> 00:11:35,955 Another guy? 270 00:11:35,957 --> 00:11:38,457 She's dating Conan the Humanitarian. 271 00:11:40,410 --> 00:11:42,161 Yeah, she kinda is. 272 00:11:42,163 --> 00:11:43,796 It's like evolution, you know? 273 00:11:43,798 --> 00:11:48,667 He is to you as you are to me as I am to a howler monkey. 274 00:11:48,669 --> 00:11:50,136 That doesn't make me feel better. 275 00:11:50,138 --> 00:11:52,254 How do you think it makes me feel? 276 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,039 You think she's sleeping with him? 277 00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:55,141 You kidding? 278 00:11:55,143 --> 00:11:58,010 I'm surprised they made it to the movies. 279 00:11:58,012 --> 00:12:00,045 Oh, God. 280 00:12:00,047 --> 00:12:02,681 Well, which raises a certain question. 281 00:12:02,683 --> 00:12:07,386 Um, your wife clearly attracts some extraordinary men. 282 00:12:07,388 --> 00:12:08,604 Of course she does. 283 00:12:08,606 --> 00:12:09,572 Look at her. 284 00:12:09,574 --> 00:12:12,108 I have. 285 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,327 Which brings me to the question. 286 00:12:15,329 --> 00:12:19,582 Uh, does she have some sort of special powers? 287 00:12:19,584 --> 00:12:21,567 You know, sexually? 288 00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:22,802 What do you mean? 289 00:12:22,804 --> 00:12:25,421 All right, I'll just come straight out and say it. 290 00:12:25,423 --> 00:12:28,340 Does she have a magic vagina? 291 00:12:28,342 --> 00:12:31,544 Like, can you pull a rabbit out of it? 292 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:34,430 Never mind. 293 00:12:34,432 --> 00:12:37,099 ♪ Men. ♪ 294 00:12:37,101 --> 00:12:38,884 In retrospect, maybe that wasn't the best movie 295 00:12:38,886 --> 00:12:40,136 to see under the circumstances. 296 00:12:40,138 --> 00:12:41,687 Are you kidding me? It was perfect. 297 00:12:41,689 --> 00:12:44,557 Boy meets girl, boy loses girl to a better guy, 298 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,592 boy kills himself. 299 00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:48,644 Still, you got to love Sandra Bullock. 300 00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:50,813 - Here, take my keys. - Why? 301 00:12:50,815 --> 00:12:53,149 'Cause I'm going to get dirty, stinking drunk. 302 00:12:53,151 --> 00:12:54,200 Appletini. 303 00:12:54,202 --> 00:12:56,768 Twice. 304 00:12:56,770 --> 00:12:58,954 Two beers. 305 00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,708 Whoa. 306 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:03,909 Check it out. 307 00:13:03,911 --> 00:13:06,462 What? 308 00:13:08,114 --> 00:13:10,299 Who's that remind you of? 309 00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:14,286 Harry Potter? 310 00:13:14,288 --> 00:13:16,889 Bridget. 311 00:13:18,225 --> 00:13:19,675 Maybe a little. So? 312 00:13:19,677 --> 00:13:20,792 So it's a sign. 313 00:13:20,794 --> 00:13:21,793 Of what? 314 00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:23,095 I don't know. 315 00:13:23,097 --> 00:13:24,563 But I'm going to find out. 316 00:13:24,565 --> 00:13:26,815 Hi, I'm Walden. 317 00:13:26,817 --> 00:13:28,484 Danny. 318 00:13:28,486 --> 00:13:30,569 Danny? 319 00:13:30,571 --> 00:13:32,238 Short for Danielle. 320 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,273 My father wanted a girl. 321 00:13:34,275 --> 00:13:36,525 It's nice to meet you, Danny. 322 00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:38,077 Let me save you some trouble. 323 00:13:38,079 --> 00:13:39,778 I'm here with somebody. 324 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:41,497 Oh, yeah, of course. 325 00:13:41,499 --> 00:13:43,532 A beautiful girl like you. 326 00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:45,317 Bathroom's disgusting. 327 00:13:45,319 --> 00:13:47,986 I had to do the squat and hover. 328 00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:50,673 At least you're not peeing in a trough 329 00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:52,491 with looky-loos on either side. 330 00:13:52,493 --> 00:13:53,926 I'm Alan. 331 00:13:53,928 --> 00:13:55,261 Kiki. 332 00:13:55,263 --> 00:13:56,545 Oh, Kiki. 333 00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:57,596 Short for... 334 00:13:57,598 --> 00:14:00,516 K-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki. 335 00:14:00,518 --> 00:14:04,386 Obviously, I'm gonna have to spell it out for you guys. 336 00:14:06,172 --> 00:14:08,224 Oh. Yeah, that certainly clears things up. 337 00:14:08,226 --> 00:14:11,443 What, you thought we were hitting on you? 338 00:14:11,445 --> 00:14:14,680 Maybe I have to spell it out for you. 339 00:14:18,702 --> 00:14:19,868 See? 340 00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,403 My apologies. 341 00:14:21,405 --> 00:14:24,573 I should've known by looking at... him. 342 00:14:26,209 --> 00:14:27,626 Uh, what was that about? 343 00:14:27,628 --> 00:14:28,794 Just work with me. 344 00:14:28,796 --> 00:14:30,462 Still want to buy our drinks? 345 00:14:30,464 --> 00:14:31,497 Uh, sure. 346 00:14:31,499 --> 00:14:32,498 Cheers. 347 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,749 - Cheers. - Cheers. 348 00:14:33,751 --> 00:14:36,502 We're here, we're queer, get used to it. 349 00:14:36,504 --> 00:14:39,221 ♪ Men. ♪ 350 00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:44,093 Oh, man, check this out. 351 00:14:44,095 --> 00:14:46,729 Did you buy it together? 352 00:14:46,731 --> 00:14:47,879 Oh, I wish. 353 00:14:47,881 --> 00:14:49,548 Mr. Moneybags bought it. 354 00:14:49,550 --> 00:14:51,600 I just make it a home. 355 00:14:52,852 --> 00:14:55,187 Come on, Alan, let's go get our guests a cocktail. 356 00:14:55,189 --> 00:14:56,822 No offense. 357 00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:03,662 Oh, cocktail. 358 00:15:04,731 --> 00:15:06,532 All right, what's the plan? 359 00:15:06,534 --> 00:15:07,783 We gonna try and get them blind drunk 360 00:15:07,785 --> 00:15:09,118 and then flip them over to our team? 361 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,085 What? No. 362 00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:11,253 Don't worry, I'll take Danny. 363 00:15:11,255 --> 00:15:12,504 You can have the hot one. 364 00:15:12,506 --> 00:15:15,174 Well, first of all, Danny is the hot one. 365 00:15:17,377 --> 00:15:19,461 And second of all, I'm not trying to flip anybody. 366 00:15:19,463 --> 00:15:21,180 So what was kissing me about? 367 00:15:21,182 --> 00:15:22,548 I like her. 368 00:15:22,550 --> 00:15:24,383 And I want her to feel comfortable 369 00:15:24,385 --> 00:15:25,634 being around us. 370 00:15:25,636 --> 00:15:27,353 So you used me. 371 00:15:29,239 --> 00:15:30,589 Oh, come on, Alan. 372 00:15:30,591 --> 00:15:31,724 She reminds me of Bridget. 373 00:15:31,726 --> 00:15:32,858 Just help me out here. 374 00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:34,193 Fine. 375 00:15:34,195 --> 00:15:37,112 Oh, and I'm sorry about kissing you. 376 00:15:37,114 --> 00:15:38,280 No, it's all right. 377 00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:39,732 If a man's gonna kiss me, 378 00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,784 I prefer he looks like the Son of God. 379 00:15:41,786 --> 00:15:43,652 Thank you. 380 00:15:44,704 --> 00:15:47,873 Now, are we gonna do this? 381 00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:50,042 I can't quit you. 382 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,447 ♪ Men. ♪ 383 00:15:55,449 --> 00:15:57,616 So when did you realize you were gay? 384 00:15:57,618 --> 00:16:01,053 Oh, boy, that's a toughie. 385 00:16:01,055 --> 00:16:04,423 Uh... I guess my first hint 386 00:16:04,425 --> 00:16:07,343 was when I was, like, five or six years old. 387 00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:10,012 I used to make my G.I. Joe dolls 388 00:16:10,014 --> 00:16:12,314 touch each other inappropriately. 389 00:16:12,316 --> 00:16:14,933 I used the horn from my toy unicorn 390 00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:17,653 to make a strap-on for my Barbie. 391 00:16:17,655 --> 00:16:21,407 Mom was not happy. 392 00:16:21,409 --> 00:16:23,325 So when did you come out? 393 00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:25,194 It was later. 394 00:16:25,196 --> 00:16:27,329 Uh, I was actually married. 395 00:16:27,331 --> 00:16:29,581 Ooh, I bet that didn't end well. 396 00:16:29,583 --> 00:16:31,750 No. 397 00:16:31,752 --> 00:16:33,952 But I still love her. 398 00:16:33,954 --> 00:16:38,757 Even though, you know, I'm playing for Team Penis now. 399 00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:40,659 I am. 400 00:16:40,661 --> 00:16:44,880 So, girlfriend, scale of one to ten, 401 00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:47,433 exactly how gay are you? 402 00:16:47,435 --> 00:16:49,835 I don't understand. 403 00:16:49,837 --> 00:16:52,671 Well, you know, one being "love the one you're with"" 404 00:16:52,673 --> 00:16:55,841 and ten being "touch me with that thing and I'll cut it off"" 405 00:16:55,843 --> 00:16:58,143 Oh. 406 00:16:58,145 --> 00:17:00,813 I still don't understand. 407 00:17:00,815 --> 00:17:03,065 Are you exclusively with girls? 408 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,567 Oh, no. I like guys, too, sometimes. 409 00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:06,652 Oh. 410 00:17:06,654 --> 00:17:07,653 What a coincidence. 411 00:17:07,655 --> 00:17:09,655 I happen to swing both ways as well. 412 00:17:09,657 --> 00:17:10,789 Really? 413 00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:12,708 You don't look like it. 414 00:17:14,961 --> 00:17:18,213 So how'd your wife react when you told her you were gay? 415 00:17:18,215 --> 00:17:20,749 She was very understanding. 416 00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:21,667 Very supportive. 417 00:17:21,669 --> 00:17:22,668 That's nice. 418 00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:24,503 Did I tell you we were 419 00:17:24,505 --> 00:17:25,637 high school sweethearts? 420 00:17:25,639 --> 00:17:27,756 Couple of times. 421 00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:31,844 She was the love of my life. 422 00:17:31,846 --> 00:17:33,228 What about Alan? 423 00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:35,013 Oh. 424 00:17:35,015 --> 00:17:39,234 Yeah, you know, I-I... love him. 425 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,107 Ah, God, I can't do this anymore. 426 00:17:45,109 --> 00:17:46,558 I'm on Team Vagina. 427 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,776 What? 428 00:17:47,778 --> 00:17:50,913 I miss my wife, and I wanted to hang out with you 429 00:17:50,915 --> 00:17:52,664 because you remind me of her. 430 00:17:52,666 --> 00:17:55,167 Really? 431 00:17:55,169 --> 00:17:57,035 I'm sorry I lied to you. 432 00:18:01,758 --> 00:18:04,910 It's okay. 433 00:18:04,912 --> 00:18:08,347 Come here, you poor baby. 434 00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:11,683 Don't even think about it, slick. 435 00:18:11,685 --> 00:18:14,436 Sorry. I'm sorry. 436 00:18:14,438 --> 00:18:19,007 So, if you're not gay, what's the deal with Alan? 437 00:18:19,009 --> 00:18:21,059 I'm not sure. 438 00:18:21,061 --> 00:18:22,528 He claims to be straight, 439 00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:25,731 but his lips opened a little when I kissed him. 440 00:18:27,066 --> 00:18:29,952 Look at me, I'm kissing a girl. 441 00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:31,119 You're kissing my girl! 442 00:18:31,121 --> 00:18:32,454 Oh! 443 00:18:32,456 --> 00:18:34,289 Oh, yeah, yuck. 444 00:18:34,291 --> 00:18:35,407 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 445 00:18:35,409 --> 00:18:36,425 Whoa, whoa. 446 00:18:36,427 --> 00:18:37,626 All right, calm down. 447 00:18:37,628 --> 00:18:39,411 You can tell him he can stop acting gay. 448 00:18:39,413 --> 00:18:40,412 I'm not acting! 449 00:18:40,414 --> 00:18:42,297 You really hit me hard. 450 00:18:42,299 --> 00:18:44,132 I'm sorry. Let me see. 451 00:18:45,302 --> 00:18:46,451 Okay, that was uncalled for. 452 00:18:46,453 --> 00:18:48,303 How could you?! I'm sorry. 453 00:18:48,305 --> 00:18:50,923 Don't blame her. I mean, it was really... 454 00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:53,008 Come on. 455 00:18:53,010 --> 00:18:54,226 Bye, Walden. 456 00:18:54,228 --> 00:18:56,178 Bye, Danny. Bye, Kiki. 457 00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:57,930 You have a really lovely home. 458 00:19:00,016 --> 00:19:02,851 Are you okay? 459 00:19:02,853 --> 00:19:05,854 Well, I think she broke my nose, 460 00:19:05,856 --> 00:19:09,358 but I almost turned a lesbian, so... 461 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,743 I'm gonna count it as a win. 462 00:19:11,745 --> 00:19:12,995 Attaboy. 463 00:19:12,997 --> 00:19:15,247 ♪ Men. ♪ 464 00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:19,644 ♪ Men. ♪ 465 00:19:23,808 --> 00:19:26,726 This was a nice idea. 466 00:19:26,728 --> 00:19:28,795 I'm just trying to cheer you up. 467 00:19:28,797 --> 00:19:32,265 After all, you did get your ass kicked by a girl. 468 00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:35,635 Well, jury's out that it was a "girl." 469 00:19:35,637 --> 00:19:39,989 Uh, Walden, I-I've got a confession to make. 470 00:19:39,991 --> 00:19:43,693 Listen, I know you didn't really forget your wallet. 471 00:19:43,695 --> 00:19:45,578 Oh. 472 00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:48,915 Okay, then I guess I have two confessions to make. 473 00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:53,119 Um, the other one is that I-I've been a very selfish man. 474 00:19:53,121 --> 00:19:54,454 How so? 475 00:19:54,456 --> 00:19:56,623 Well, when you told me you wanted to move to New York, 476 00:19:56,625 --> 00:19:57,924 the only thing I could think about 477 00:19:57,926 --> 00:19:59,342 was me losing a great place to live. 478 00:19:59,344 --> 00:20:01,994 I was totally oblivious to your feelings. 479 00:20:01,996 --> 00:20:03,680 Don't worry about it. 480 00:20:03,682 --> 00:20:05,331 No, no, no, I need to say this. 481 00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:08,184 You know, you're a great guy and you deserve to be happy. 482 00:20:08,186 --> 00:20:11,855 And if you have to move, I'd understand. 483 00:20:11,857 --> 00:20:14,674 But, uh, I want you to know 484 00:20:14,676 --> 00:20:17,477 I-I'd really, really miss you. 485 00:20:17,479 --> 00:20:21,364 I'd miss you, too. 486 00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:23,032 But I'm not going anywhere. 487 00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,684 Oh, you're not? 488 00:20:24,686 --> 00:20:27,036 Nah, the shrink's right. 489 00:20:27,038 --> 00:20:30,824 My problems are gonna follow me wherever I go. 490 00:20:30,826 --> 00:20:34,577 Besides... how could I leave my best friend? 491 00:20:36,832 --> 00:20:39,031 Aw... 492 00:20:44,338 --> 00:20:47,557 I'm the luckiest guy in the world. 493 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,516 Told you.