1
00:00:02,546 --> 00:00:04,704
I hope you don't mind,
I used your toothbrush.

2
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:06,625
No problem. Where did you use it?

3
00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:09,552
Nowhere your mouth hasn't been.

4
00:00:13,849 --> 00:00:16,850
- You are so beautiful.
- Thank you.

5
00:00:17,019 --> 00:00:21,312
- Your hair, your eyes, it's just amazing.
- Charlie.

6
00:00:21,523 --> 00:00:25,984
- And this body, it's just perfect.
- Thank you.

7
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:30,026
So why don't I wanna have sex
with you anymore?

8
00:00:30,699 --> 00:00:33,190
- You don't?
- I'm sorry.

9
00:00:33,660 --> 00:00:36,661
No, no, no, it's okay.
I don't wanna have sex with you either.

10
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:40,199
- Oh, thank God, I was feeling so guilty.
- Me too.

11
00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:43,080
- When did you know it was over?
- Ah. About two weeks ago.

12
00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:46,545
Remember? Alan took Jake to the
movies and we did it on the deck.

13
00:00:46,715 --> 00:00:50,415
All I could think about was picking up
the bottle and caving in your skull.

14
00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:55,420
- Were you angry with me?
- No, no, it was just a way to kill time.

15
00:00:55,891 --> 00:00:58,726
You know,
fantasizing if I can get away with it.

16
00:00:58,894 --> 00:01:03,188
Interesting. I fantasized about you having
a heart attack or getting hit by a bus.

17
00:01:03,357 --> 00:01:06,690
That way, I wouldn't be a suspect
and people would feel sorry for me.

18
00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:09,565
Smart. So when did you know?

19
00:01:09,821 --> 00:01:12,193
- It was the limo, wasn't it?
- Yep.

20
00:01:12,366 --> 00:01:14,738
Yeah, I can tell your attention
was wandering.

21
00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:17,579
Every time I looked up,
you were somewhere else.

22
00:01:18,413 --> 00:01:20,536
I was making believe
you were another woman.

23
00:01:20,916 --> 00:01:23,204
Well, that doesn't necessarily mean
it's over.

24
00:01:23,377 --> 00:01:26,543
I pretended you were the big blue chick
from <i>Avatar.</i>

25
00:01:28,924 --> 00:01:30,086
It's over.

26
00:01:31,468 --> 00:01:33,626
So, what do we do now?

27
00:01:34,096 --> 00:01:35,756
Uh, part friends, I guess.

28
00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:38,132
- I'd like that.
- It's getting kind of late.

29
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:40,923
- You're welcome to spend the night.
- Oh, that's very sweet.

30
00:01:41,103 --> 00:01:43,428
But I wanna get
as far away from you as I can.

31
00:01:43,605 --> 00:01:45,894
That's okay. I just got <i>Avatar</i> on DVD.

32
00:01:49,236 --> 00:01:52,237
- So we're all good?
- Absolutely.

33
00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,606
All right, I'll go get dressed.

34
00:01:57,577 --> 00:01:59,285
[FARTS]

35
00:02:00,831 --> 00:02:02,491
COURTNEY:
You couldn't wait till I'm gone?

36
00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:06,128
Didn't seem to be any point.

37
00:02:38,452 --> 00:02:40,859
- Morning.
- Morning.

38
00:02:41,038 --> 00:02:42,283
Online poker?

39
00:02:42,456 --> 00:02:45,243
Live girl-on-girl porn.

40
00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:47,787
Really? At 7 a. M?

41
00:02:48,170 --> 00:02:50,791
It's not 7 a.m. In Copenhagen.

42
00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:55,165
How can you tell?
There's no windows.

43
00:02:59,473 --> 00:03:01,761
Me, I like to start my day
with a cup of coffee.

44
00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:03,973
Instant energy and it helps me poop.

45
00:03:09,399 --> 00:03:13,777
Mm-mm-mm. Somebody's having
the breakfast of champions.

46
00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:16,812
They say it's the most important meal
of the day.

47
00:03:17,407 --> 00:03:21,025
Please tell me Courtney isn't in your
bedroom while you're looking at this.

48
00:03:21,495 --> 00:03:23,452
Courtney went home. We broke up.

49
00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:27,833
Oh. And you're trying to fill the void
and mend a broken heart...

50
00:03:28,001 --> 00:03:30,575
at DanishMunchers. Com.

51
00:03:32,089 --> 00:03:34,330
Yeah. Something like that.

52
00:03:34,549 --> 00:03:35,830
So, what happened?

53
00:03:36,009 --> 00:03:38,168
Nothing happened.
It just ran its course.

54
00:03:38,387 --> 00:03:40,842
Wow. That's hard to imagine.
She's so hot.

55
00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:44,931
Let me tell you something, Alan, for
every gorgeous woman in the world...

56
00:03:45,102 --> 00:03:47,675
there's a guy out there
who's tired of banging her.

57
00:03:48,772 --> 00:03:51,477
But that guy's never me.

58
00:03:52,693 --> 00:03:54,151
I gotta get out of the house.

59
00:03:54,361 --> 00:03:56,152
Maybe go to the movies. Is Jake here?

60
00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:58,777
Uh, no, he's having a party
over at his mom's house.

61
00:03:58,949 --> 00:04:00,906
Oh, damn. Did I forget his birthday?

62
00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:03,406
Oh, no, no, no.
It's just one of those teenage parties.

63
00:04:03,578 --> 00:04:07,410
Uh, but for the record, his birthday was
six months ago, and you did forget it.

64
00:04:07,582 --> 00:04:10,120
- Oh, man, how old was he?
- Sixteen.

65
00:04:10,711 --> 00:04:13,415
Huh. No wonder he keeps asking
to borrow my car.

66
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,371
- I'll just go to the movies by myself.
- You want some company?

67
00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:20,127
Hello?
That's why I was asking about Jake.

68
00:04:30,063 --> 00:04:31,937
Good morning, ladies.

69
00:04:32,858 --> 00:04:35,775
CHARLIE:
No masturbating in the kitchen.

70
00:04:36,611 --> 00:04:39,482
What do you say
we go someplace a little quieter?

71
00:04:44,411 --> 00:04:46,320
[PLAYS NOTES ON PIANO]

72
00:04:47,122 --> 00:04:48,533
Hey, what you working on?

73
00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,371
It's a jingle
for a new kids' breakfast cereal.

74
00:04:51,585 --> 00:04:54,420
- Oh, cool. Can I hear it?
- I guess.

75
00:04:54,588 --> 00:04:58,538
Picture this over animated
dancing monkeys and zebras.

76
00:04:59,509 --> 00:05:01,134
Got it.

77
00:05:01,303 --> 00:05:03,342
[PLAYING MELANCHOLY TUNE
ON PIANO]

78
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:07,760
[SINGING]
<i>Start your day with a big hurray</i>

79
00:05:08,393 --> 00:05:13,102
<i>Chocolate Diddlers</i>
<i>Chocolate Diddlers</i>

80
00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:17,982
<i>A bowl of fun for everyone</i>

81
00:05:18,153 --> 00:05:23,278
<i>Chocolate Diddlers</i>
<i>Chocolate Diddlers</i>

82
00:05:23,492 --> 00:05:26,327
<i>Yum</i>

83
00:05:28,914 --> 00:05:30,289
Uh...

84
00:05:30,457 --> 00:05:31,832
Well, I like the lyric.

85
00:05:32,959 --> 00:05:35,711
Uh, you know, it's kind of...
It's upbeat, uh, celebratory.

86
00:05:35,879 --> 00:05:39,213
You know, "hurray, fun, yum." Um...

87
00:05:39,383 --> 00:05:43,879
- Uh, if I had a note, it would be the music.
- What about it?

88
00:05:44,262 --> 00:05:46,932
Uh, well, it doesn't say,
yummy breakfast treat...

89
00:05:47,099 --> 00:05:50,598
so much as it says,
my puppy's dead.

90
00:05:51,603 --> 00:05:52,682
[SIGHS]

91
00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:55,096
- Yeah, I've been a little down lately.
- I know, I know.

92
00:05:55,273 --> 00:05:57,231
- But, uh, keep working on it.
- Okay.

93
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:59,768
- Well, I'm off.
- Where are you going?

94
00:05:59,945 --> 00:06:02,151
To have drinks with Lyndsey
and her friends.

95
00:06:02,322 --> 00:06:04,196
Have a good time.

96
00:06:04,366 --> 00:06:06,193
You know,
you're welcome to tag along.

97
00:06:06,410 --> 00:06:09,410
A couple of these women are divorced,
got a few miles on them...

98
00:06:09,579 --> 00:06:13,660
but they've been liposucked to an inch
of their lives, so they present well.

99
00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,785
- That's okay, I gotta work.
- You sure?

100
00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:18,666
For somebody like you,
it'd be shooting fish in a barrel.

101
00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,124
In this case, the fish would be
40-year-old, neurotic soccer moms...

102
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,171
and the barrel
would be a Bennigan's in Encino.

103
00:06:25,345 --> 00:06:28,132
- Sounds tempting, but I'll pass.
- Okay, good night.

104
00:06:28,765 --> 00:06:29,797
[MELANCHOLY TUNE RESUMES]

105
00:06:29,975 --> 00:06:33,474
Oh, honestly,
think more bouncy, happy.

106
00:06:33,645 --> 00:06:36,267
[SINGS]
<i>I love Chocolate Diddlers, yay</i>

107
00:06:37,649 --> 00:06:39,274
Got it.

108
00:06:42,362 --> 00:06:46,230
Okay, bouncy, happy.

109
00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:48,943
[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE ON PIANO]

110
00:06:50,245 --> 00:06:53,828
[SINGING]
<i>C is for chocolate, D's diabetes</i>

111
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:57,332
<i>Do your kids a favor</i>
<i>And buy a box of Wheaties</i>

112
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:01,417
<i>Chocolate Diddlers, yay</i>

113
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:06,752
Okay, that's a good day's work.

114
00:07:17,397 --> 00:07:19,971
- Hi.
- Hi.

115
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:22,641
- Charlie.
- Veronica.

116
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:24,895
How's life treating you, Veronica?

117
00:07:25,072 --> 00:07:26,863
Not too bad. How about you?

118
00:07:27,366 --> 00:07:29,488
Well, that depends
on which answer you want.

119
00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:30,940
There's more than one?

120
00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:33,991
I could give the "Everything's
hunky-dory, I live at the beach...

121
00:07:34,164 --> 00:07:36,536
drive a nice car and have
a python in my pants" answer.

122
00:07:36,708 --> 00:07:40,540
- Or I could tell you the truth.
- You have an inchworm in your pants?

123
00:07:41,463 --> 00:07:43,420
No, the python part's true.

124
00:07:44,257 --> 00:07:47,342
Okay, so, what is wrong with Charlie?

125
00:07:47,511 --> 00:07:49,005
All right, fine, I'll tell you.

126
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:51,504
Two bourbons, straight up.
You want anything?

127
00:07:51,682 --> 00:07:53,639
I'm good.

128
00:07:53,809 --> 00:07:58,138
I'll spare you the details of my selfish,
narcissistic, soul-sucking mother...

129
00:07:58,313 --> 00:08:00,353
my deadbeat,
oddly effeminate brother...

130
00:08:00,524 --> 00:08:02,647
and the future organ donor
we call my nephew.

131
00:08:02,818 --> 00:08:03,849
Okay.

132
00:08:04,027 --> 00:08:06,862
And just to bring you up to speed
on my recent romantic adventures...

133
00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:10,779
about this time last year, I was
engaged to the greatest gal I'd ever met.

134
00:08:10,992 --> 00:08:15,121
- Uh-huh. So, what went wrong?
- Hard to pinpoint.

135
00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:18,657
It could've been my drinking,
my compulsive gambling.

136
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:21,704
Or it could've been me
sleeping with her best friend.

137
00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:24,204
I can see why it'd be hard to pinpoint.

138
00:08:24,589 --> 00:08:26,463
I know, right?

139
00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:28,590
So anyway,
she dumped me for a nice guy.

140
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:32,295
But I got right back on the horse
and married a drug-addled stripper.

141
00:08:32,514 --> 00:08:33,889
And that didn't work out?

142
00:08:34,558 --> 00:08:36,218
Not for the reasons you'd think.

143
00:08:36,393 --> 00:08:39,394
She was already married. Whoops.

144
00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:41,977
So I figured
maybe I'd take a break for a while...

145
00:08:42,149 --> 00:08:44,272
from the dating
and just see hookers.

146
00:08:44,443 --> 00:08:46,316
Sure.

147
00:08:47,571 --> 00:08:49,362
Yeah, I'm aware of the social stigma.

148
00:08:49,531 --> 00:08:52,532
But I like to think of prostitution
as trickle-down economics.

149
00:08:52,701 --> 00:08:54,658
Actually, it's all kind of trickle-down.

150
00:08:54,828 --> 00:08:56,904
It's very Republican
when you think about it.

151
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,745
Uh-huh. You know what?
I will have another drink.

152
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:05,418
So I take the moral high ground and
try to break up with the 47-year-old...

153
00:09:05,589 --> 00:09:08,210
so I won't be tempted
to hit on her hot 20-year-old daughter.

154
00:09:08,383 --> 00:09:09,794
Laudable.

155
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:12,424
But surprise,
mom breaks up with me first...

156
00:09:12,596 --> 00:09:15,550
because I still have feelings
for this crazy broad that stalks me.

157
00:09:15,724 --> 00:09:18,013
Next thing I know,
my ex-girlfriend gets out of prison...

158
00:09:18,185 --> 00:09:20,936
- Can I stop you a sec?
- Sure.

159
00:09:21,521 --> 00:09:23,929
- Thank you.
- For what?

160
00:09:24,149 --> 00:09:27,814
I came in here tonight because
I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend.

161
00:09:27,986 --> 00:09:30,987
But after listening to you,
I realize I was unfair to him.

162
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,030
There's something below pig.

163
00:09:35,285 --> 00:09:37,657
Okay, well, glad I could help.

164
00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:41,784
How's life treating you?

165
00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:45,410
In what universe
did I not hear everything you just said?

166
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,164
Nobody likes an eavesdropper.

167
00:09:52,469 --> 00:09:54,462
[FUNK-ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

168
00:09:54,638 --> 00:09:56,630
[CHATTERING]

169
00:09:58,183 --> 00:10:01,599
Dude, your party
is a total sausage fest.

170
00:10:02,020 --> 00:10:04,345
You said,
"Let's not invite the girls we know.

171
00:10:04,523 --> 00:10:05,768
Let's meet new girls."

172
00:10:05,982 --> 00:10:07,975
Exactly. So did you invite them?

173
00:10:08,193 --> 00:10:10,269
- Who?
- The girls we don't know.

174
00:10:10,487 --> 00:10:13,060
Dude, how can I invite them
if I don't know them?

175
00:10:14,658 --> 00:10:16,282
Good point, dude.

176
00:10:16,451 --> 00:10:17,483
[DOOR OPENS]

177
00:10:17,661 --> 00:10:20,116
Guess who brought beer.

178
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:21,575
Oh, God.

179
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:26,534
Wow. This is a total sausage fest.

180
00:10:27,129 --> 00:10:28,374
Told you, dude.

181
00:10:28,547 --> 00:10:31,998
Hey, gang,
there's hot quesadillas in the kitchen.

182
00:10:32,217 --> 00:10:34,174
Charlie? What are you doing here?

183
00:10:34,386 --> 00:10:37,340
I heard that Jake was having
a party and thought I'd stop by.

184
00:10:37,556 --> 00:10:39,347
To hang out
with a bunch of teenagers?

185
00:10:39,766 --> 00:10:41,806
Yeah, that occurred to me.

186
00:10:41,977 --> 00:10:44,550
The cab driver
thought it was a good idea.

187
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:47,185
And it's a really long drive.

188
00:10:47,399 --> 00:10:49,522
There's something
seriously wrong with you.

189
00:10:49,693 --> 00:10:53,276
- Get help.
- First, I gotta get another cab.

190
00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:55,819
Taxi.

191
00:10:57,325 --> 00:10:59,318
It was nice of him to bring beer.

192
00:10:59,494 --> 00:11:02,412
He's a crazy bastard,
but he's got good manners.

193
00:11:02,581 --> 00:11:05,250
CHARLIE:
Taxi!

194
00:11:09,546 --> 00:11:10,744
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

195
00:11:10,922 --> 00:11:12,998
CHARLIE:
Knock, knock.

196
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:15,255
Not a good time.

197
00:11:15,802 --> 00:11:19,088
CHARLIE: Alan, you're supposed to say,
"Who's there?"

198
00:11:19,264 --> 00:11:21,636
That's okay, I'll say it. Who's there?

199
00:11:23,393 --> 00:11:25,849
Go away, Charlie.

200
00:11:26,688 --> 00:11:29,310
Go away Charlie, who?

201
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:31,727
I'm very sorry. What do you want?

202
00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:34,316
I want to give you a heads up
that your ex-wife...

203
00:11:34,488 --> 00:11:39,482
is gonna be calling you in the morning,
and it's not gonna be a pretty call.

204
00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:43,034
- Hi, Lyndsey.
- Hi, Charlie.

205
00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:45,868
You're a saint
for having sex with my brother.

206
00:11:47,125 --> 00:11:48,952
Okay. Good night.

207
00:11:49,169 --> 00:11:50,449
No, really.

208
00:11:50,671 --> 00:11:55,416
It's like taking a bird with a busted wing
and putting him in a shoebox...

209
00:11:55,592 --> 00:11:58,344
and feeding him
with an eyedropper.

210
00:11:58,512 --> 00:12:03,257
You know he's never gonna fly,
but you give it your best shot.

211
00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:06,432
Alan's the bird.

212
00:12:08,313 --> 00:12:11,812
- What are you doing?
- Just resting.

213
00:12:13,235 --> 00:12:15,726
- Your brother needs help.
- I know.

214
00:12:15,946 --> 00:12:18,437
And for the record,
I believe I will fly again.

215
00:12:26,873 --> 00:12:28,533
What do you want me to do, Judith?

216
00:12:28,709 --> 00:12:32,576
He's a drunk with a lot of money.
You can't control people like that.

217
00:12:32,754 --> 00:12:35,079
The best you can do
is stay on their good side...

218
00:12:35,257 --> 00:12:38,875
so you can inherit their house
after they crap out their liver.

219
00:12:40,804 --> 00:12:43,639
As a matter of fact,
I have given it a lot of thought.

220
00:12:44,182 --> 00:12:46,258
Oh, fine, I will talk to him about it.

221
00:12:46,435 --> 00:12:48,723
Okay. Okay, bye.

222
00:12:48,937 --> 00:12:51,428
- Still think you're getting the house?
- What?

223
00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:53,142
Not important.

224
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:55,311
CHARLIE: Alan?
- Yeah?

225
00:12:55,944 --> 00:12:58,898
- Why did I wake up in your bed?
- You passed out there.

226
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,194
Did we break any biblical laws?

227
00:13:05,620 --> 00:13:08,111
No. Uh, Lyndsey and I
went up to your room.

228
00:13:08,331 --> 00:13:11,498
Ah, gross. Did you have sex in my bed?

229
00:13:11,668 --> 00:13:15,168
Uh, no. Actually, the romance
of the evening pretty much evaporated...

230
00:13:15,339 --> 00:13:18,458
after you curled up at our feet
like a drunken Labrador.

231
00:13:19,926 --> 00:13:21,255
Well, that's good.

232
00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:24,174
Let's play it safe
and take those sheets out of rotation.

233
00:13:24,348 --> 00:13:27,598
- Okay.
- Uh, just to put it on the record.

234
00:13:27,809 --> 00:13:31,225
I'm officially telling you on behalf of
my ex-wife, don't ever do that again.

235
00:13:31,438 --> 00:13:32,683
Don't ever do what again?

236
00:13:33,148 --> 00:13:35,983
It doesn't matter.
I fulfilled my obligation.

237
00:13:37,402 --> 00:13:41,732
You know, Alan, I'm starting to think
I'm not living up to my full potential.

238
00:13:42,199 --> 00:13:43,397
Really?

239
00:13:43,575 --> 00:13:46,280
You think you can hump and drink
even more?

240
00:13:46,828 --> 00:13:49,580
No. Well, maybe.

241
00:13:49,956 --> 00:13:51,581
The thing is, I woke up this morning...

242
00:13:51,750 --> 00:13:56,127
and there were these little voices
in my head telling me to get help.

243
00:13:56,296 --> 00:13:58,419
Get help.

244
00:13:58,590 --> 00:14:01,591
LYNDSEY: Your brother needs help.
ALAN: I will fly again.

245
00:14:02,511 --> 00:14:05,002
Better I realize it before somebody
has to point it out, huh?

246
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:09,225
Mm-hm. No doubt. So, what are you
gonna do with this newfound insight?

247
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:11,760
Well, I think it might be time
to go back to my shrink.

248
00:14:11,937 --> 00:14:16,480
- Mm. Talk about your issues?
- Renew my prescriptions.

249
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,858
Much more in character.

250
00:14:23,532 --> 00:14:24,694
[DOOR OPENS]

251
00:14:25,325 --> 00:14:27,401
- Come on in, Charlie.
- Thanks.

252
00:14:30,288 --> 00:14:32,246
Well, it's been a while.
How you doing?

253
00:14:32,791 --> 00:14:34,700
- Good, good.
- Really?

254
00:14:34,876 --> 00:14:37,249
You usually only come see me
when your hair is on fire...

255
00:14:37,462 --> 00:14:40,132
and someone's chasing you
with gasoline.

256
00:14:40,716 --> 00:14:42,258
That almost happened to me once.

257
00:14:42,426 --> 00:14:44,584
Thank God
I was able to pee on the matches.

258
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:46,710
So, what's going on?

259
00:14:47,097 --> 00:14:49,766
Well, I just recently broke up
with this terrific gal...

260
00:14:49,933 --> 00:14:52,720
and I guess I've been
in kind of an emotional tailspin.

261
00:14:53,395 --> 00:14:55,352
Been drinking heavier than usual?

262
00:14:55,564 --> 00:14:57,473
Just the occasional glass of wine
with dinner.

263
00:14:57,649 --> 00:15:01,599
Uh-huh. And how many dinners
have you had today?

264
00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:05,109
Three. So far.

265
00:15:05,323 --> 00:15:06,818
Okay, go on.

266
00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:08,694
And it's not just this break-up.

267
00:15:08,869 --> 00:15:13,246
For the last couple of years, I've been
trying to have a meaningful relationship.

268
00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:15,573
As opposed
to picking up some pretty little thing...

269
00:15:15,751 --> 00:15:17,624
for a quick bag, shag
and skedaddle.

270
00:15:18,754 --> 00:15:21,790
Bag, shag and skedaddle.

271
00:15:21,965 --> 00:15:23,507
That's charming.

272
00:15:23,925 --> 00:15:27,626
Anyway, no matter how hard I try
to have something more lasting...

273
00:15:27,804 --> 00:15:30,758
more meaningful,
the end result is always the same.

274
00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:34,681
At some point, I gotta consider the
possibility that the problem might be me.

275
00:15:34,895 --> 00:15:37,386
That's not a bad instinct.

276
00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:41,983
If I'm doing something wrong, it would
be helpful if I had a clue what it was.

277
00:15:42,194 --> 00:15:45,313
Well, if you had to guess,
what would you say you're doing wrong?

278
00:15:46,281 --> 00:15:48,950
I don't know. I love too much?

279
00:15:50,369 --> 00:15:52,326
Guess again.

280
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:56,079
- I'm afraid of intimacy?
- Do you believe that to be true?

281
00:15:56,291 --> 00:15:58,248
Not really, I just hear it all the time.

282
00:15:58,418 --> 00:16:00,992
Dr. Phil, movies, TV shows,
ex-girlfriends.

283
00:16:01,546 --> 00:16:02,744
Let me ask you something.

284
00:16:02,923 --> 00:16:05,793
What do you think being truly intimate
with a woman is?

285
00:16:07,552 --> 00:16:08,928
Uh...

286
00:16:09,096 --> 00:16:10,804
Not using a condom?

287
00:16:12,057 --> 00:16:14,014
Wow.

288
00:16:15,852 --> 00:16:19,553
- What?
- I'm sorry, I didn't expect that. Um...

289
00:16:20,399 --> 00:16:23,269
But what I'm trying to point you to
is a kind of intimacy...

290
00:16:23,443 --> 00:16:26,230
where you feel safe enough
to be completely honest with a woman.

291
00:16:26,405 --> 00:16:27,733
To tell her how you really feel.

292
00:16:27,948 --> 00:16:30,735
Oh, come on,
nobody cares how you really feel.

293
00:16:30,909 --> 00:16:32,652
And what's a guy
like me feel anyway?

294
00:16:32,828 --> 00:16:36,660
I'll tell you. Tired, hungry, horny,
hung over, happy, sad and pissed off.

295
00:16:38,458 --> 00:16:40,617
And sad and pissed off
only come into play...

296
00:16:40,794 --> 00:16:43,878
because I'm horny, hungry,
hung over and tired.

297
00:16:44,047 --> 00:16:46,538
You know what?
Let's table the intimacy discussion...

298
00:16:46,717 --> 00:16:48,626
and talk about your other relationships.

299
00:16:49,011 --> 00:16:50,339
What other relationships?

300
00:16:50,554 --> 00:16:53,045
We've spoken
at great length about your feelings...

301
00:16:53,223 --> 00:16:55,512
towards your mother, brother
and your nephew.

302
00:16:55,684 --> 00:16:58,436
Pissed off, pissed off, sad.

303
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:02,182
Sure.
How about non-familial relationships?

304
00:17:02,691 --> 00:17:04,019
- You mean like friends?
- Yes.

305
00:17:04,192 --> 00:17:08,024
- Then why don't you just say friends?
- I got the diplomas, I like to use them.

306
00:17:09,114 --> 00:17:14,701
Okay, well, the answer to your question is,
uh, I don't really have that many friends.

307
00:17:14,911 --> 00:17:17,782
Well, how many friends
would you say you have?

308
00:17:18,123 --> 00:17:20,412
You know, I'm starting
to feel a little pissed off now.

309
00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,285
Do you have any friends, Charlie?

310
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:24,744
Come on, I'm a grown man.
I have acquaintances.

311
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:26,795
Do you spend time
with acquaintances?

312
00:17:26,965 --> 00:17:28,839
For what? To talk about my feelings?

313
00:17:30,802 --> 00:17:34,717
I'm not one to indulge in chitchat
unless I feel like it's gonna get me laid.

314
00:17:34,931 --> 00:17:37,636
I'm just saying it might be nice
to have some relationships...

315
00:17:37,809 --> 00:17:41,677
that aren't based solely
on you trying to get someone into bed.

316
00:17:42,689 --> 00:17:44,978
You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

317
00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:46,430
Not a clue.

318
00:17:46,651 --> 00:17:48,443
Okay, now I'm pissed off and sad.

319
00:17:49,488 --> 00:17:52,524
Maybe you didn't have enough dinner.

320
00:17:57,496 --> 00:17:58,527
Thank you.

321
00:17:58,705 --> 00:18:01,375
Uh, are you sure you should be drinking
if you're on medication?

322
00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:04,074
No, she wouldn't give me anything.
Said I'd abuse it.

323
00:18:04,252 --> 00:18:05,497
Where does that come from?

324
00:18:08,215 --> 00:18:09,958
One more.

325
00:18:10,717 --> 00:18:13,387
So, uh, did you get anything
out of the session?

326
00:18:13,553 --> 00:18:17,053
She kept saying I need to develop
relationships that aren't about sex.

327
00:18:17,224 --> 00:18:18,848
You know, I can see the wisdom in that.

328
00:18:19,226 --> 00:18:22,891
Sure you can. You didn't get laid
the last nine years of a 12-year marriage.

329
00:18:23,063 --> 00:18:25,518
Not true. There were birthdays.

330
00:18:25,941 --> 00:18:28,811
Let's pretend the shrink is right.
What am I supposed to do?

331
00:18:28,985 --> 00:18:32,853
Just somehow go out and make
new guy friends? Who does that?

332
00:18:33,073 --> 00:18:35,149
Couldn't hurt to try.

333
00:18:36,618 --> 00:18:39,192
- Hey, there, how are you?
- Good, you?

334
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:42,620
I've already lost interest.

335
00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:46,916
Well, I can't fault you for trying.

336
00:18:47,129 --> 00:18:49,501
I mean,
I'm not against having a friend in theory.

337
00:18:49,673 --> 00:18:52,508
But I'm a 43-year-old man
who's kind of set in his ways.

338
00:18:52,676 --> 00:18:54,715
Where am I supposed
to meet this new buddy?

339
00:18:54,928 --> 00:18:57,217
Did you consider
you could have a woman as a friend?

340
00:18:57,389 --> 00:19:00,425
Alan, have you not been listening?
She said no sex.

341
00:19:01,226 --> 00:19:04,927
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I don't have many friends either.

342
00:19:05,105 --> 00:19:07,774
- You don't have any friends.
- Well, neither do you.

343
00:19:07,941 --> 00:19:10,562
But that's my choice.
You, you're just a social pariah.

344
00:19:10,736 --> 00:19:13,440
And you're a malignancy
on the ass of mankind.

345
00:19:17,993 --> 00:19:19,321
You wanna pick up a pizza...

346
00:19:19,494 --> 00:19:21,451
on the way home?
- Pizza, really?

347
00:19:21,621 --> 00:19:24,706
- Fine, what do you want?
- Um, I was thinking Chinese.

348
00:19:24,916 --> 00:19:28,167
- We just had Chinese. How about ribs?
- I'm a little low on cash.

349
00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:31,498
- What's a little low mean?
- Nothing.

350
00:19:34,051 --> 00:19:36,376
All right, I'll buy,
but I get to pick the movie.

351
00:19:36,595 --> 00:19:39,086
Oh, we don't have to watch a movie.
I TiVo-ed <i>Glee.</i>

352
00:19:39,264 --> 00:19:43,428
I'm miserable and you wanna torture me
with hot chicks in cheerleading outfits.

353
00:19:43,643 --> 00:19:46,977
Singing hot chicks.
It's Wang Chung week.

354
00:19:47,814 --> 00:19:51,729
For God's sake, why don't you just put
on assless chaps and get it over with?

355
00:19:52,152 --> 00:19:54,061
I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.

356
00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:57,238
CHARLIE:
That's just a gay man who can't get laid.

357
00:20:01,286 --> 00:20:03,611
[WANG CHUNG'S "EVERYBOD Y
HAVE FUN TONIGHT" PLAYING ON TV]

358
00:20:03,789 --> 00:20:05,366
<i>Everybody have fun tonight</i>

359
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,660
<i>Everybody Wang Chung tonight</i>

360
00:20:08,835 --> 00:20:13,129
The tall blond chick in the red tracksuit
is really starting to freak me out.

361
00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:16,633
[SINGS]
<i>Everybody Wang Chung tonight</i>

362
00:20:17,469 --> 00:20:19,877
<i>Everybody have fun</i>

363
00:20:22,516 --> 00:20:26,264
I love Mercedes. You go, girl.

364
00:20:56,133 --> 00:20:58,125
[English - US - SDH]