1
00:00:02,587 --> 00:00:06,170
All right,
I have turned "it" into "ziti"...

2
00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:09,876
uh, with a triple letter on Z
and a double word on the I.

3
00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:13,173
Plus going down, I've created "za."

4
00:00:15,017 --> 00:00:18,599
- Za?
- Uh, a colloquialism for pizza.

5
00:00:18,770 --> 00:00:20,051
One of five two-letter words...

6
00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:23,184
newly accepted by
the National Scrabble Association.

7
00:00:24,234 --> 00:00:27,105
- Unbelievable.
- You can call them if you want.

8
00:00:29,239 --> 00:00:32,157
That's what we in Scrabble circles
call a two-tile takedown.

9
00:00:32,325 --> 00:00:33,868
Bam-bam!

10
00:00:35,412 --> 00:00:38,532
CHARLIE: Alan, is our limo here yet?
- Sorry, I haven't seen your limo.

11
00:00:38,707 --> 00:00:41,280
Oh, 100 points. Bam-bam!

12
00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:44,746
That's a gorgeous dress, Courtney.

13
00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:47,591
Thanks. Charlie insisted on buying it
for me to wear tonight.

14
00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:50,712
- What's the charity again?
- I don't know. Landmines. Orphans.

15
00:00:50,886 --> 00:00:52,759
Landmines for orphans.

16
00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:55,136
- I just wanna show you off.
- Aw.

17
00:00:55,307 --> 00:00:57,596
- Well, you look great.
- Thank you.

18
00:00:57,768 --> 00:00:58,930
No, no. No, there's...

19
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,347
[SIGHS]

20
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:01,896
Something... Something wrong.

21
00:01:02,397 --> 00:01:04,141
- What?
- I don't know.

22
00:01:04,358 --> 00:01:06,397
I don't know. Something's missing.

23
00:01:06,818 --> 00:01:08,941
Oh. Got it.

24
00:01:09,446 --> 00:01:10,691
Ta-da.

25
00:01:11,156 --> 00:01:14,940
Charlie, you shouldn't have.

26
00:01:16,078 --> 00:01:19,411
Well, you've done a lot of things for me
you shouldn't have.

27
00:01:21,792 --> 00:01:22,954
Now you look great.

28
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:26,875
God, it's beautiful. Thank you.

29
00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:41,641
- What are you guys up to tonight?
- Not much.

30
00:01:41,812 --> 00:01:44,137
Just a quiet romantic evening
at home.

31
00:01:44,314 --> 00:01:45,808
Loser.

32
00:01:47,651 --> 00:01:48,813
Come on. That's not fair.

33
00:01:49,528 --> 00:01:52,979
- No, it's my word. "Loser."
- Oh. Oh.

34
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:56,775
I should point out that you could have
used the C at the top of the board...

35
00:01:56,952 --> 00:01:57,983
and made "closer."

36
00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:01,159
I'll stick with loser.

37
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,410
[CELL PHONE RINGS]

38
00:02:05,002 --> 00:02:08,785
Yeah? Great, we'll be right out.
Our chariot awaits.

39
00:02:08,964 --> 00:02:11,336
- Have fun.
- Thanks. You too.

40
00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:15,340
Do me a favor. When we get in the limo,
ask the driver to put up the partition.

41
00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:16,971
You bet.

42
00:02:17,139 --> 00:02:20,887
Isn't that sweet? She's gonna do
more things she shouldn't.

43
00:02:27,691 --> 00:02:31,274
- Gluten-free pretzel?
- No, thanks.

44
00:02:32,154 --> 00:02:34,479
Guess this isn't
much of a Saturday night date.

45
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:37,695
Alan, it's fine.
I like staying in with you.

46
00:02:37,909 --> 00:02:40,282
I could probably do without
the "bam-bam!"

47
00:02:42,039 --> 00:02:46,202
I just wish I could take you out
and get you things like Charlie does.

48
00:02:46,418 --> 00:02:48,826
I don't need those things.

49
00:02:49,004 --> 00:02:52,005
I mean, they're nice.
They're more than nice.

50
00:02:52,174 --> 00:02:54,297
They're what every girl dreams of.

51
00:02:54,468 --> 00:02:57,837
But let's face it.
Some dreams just have to die.

52
00:03:00,307 --> 00:03:02,181
Well, I'm sorry you had to settle.

53
00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:06,062
I'm not settling. I'm accepting.

54
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,518
So you're not rich and successful
like Charlie.

55
00:03:08,690 --> 00:03:11,561
So you can't take me out in limos
and shower me in diamonds.

56
00:03:11,735 --> 00:03:14,819
So there's no expensive restaurants
or beautiful dresses.

57
00:03:21,036 --> 00:03:23,871
- But?
- What?

58
00:03:24,373 --> 00:03:29,580
Well, I can't take you out
and I can't give you stuff, but...

59
00:03:30,212 --> 00:03:32,703
But I love you.

60
00:03:34,383 --> 00:03:36,506
Why?

61
00:03:37,761 --> 00:03:40,252
Boy, you're just gonna
keep pushing this, aren't you?

62
00:03:40,472 --> 00:03:43,722
No, no. You love me. I'm good.
Ha, ha. Let's play Scrabble.

63
00:03:43,892 --> 00:03:45,719
Oh, axolotl.

64
00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,388
[CHUCKLES]

65
00:03:50,607 --> 00:03:52,149
Bam-bam.

66
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:06,038
- Morning.
- Morning.

67
00:04:07,791 --> 00:04:09,665
Pottery Barn?

68
00:04:09,835 --> 00:04:12,871
Yeah, I'm looking for ideas
for a birthday present for Lyndsey.

69
00:04:13,046 --> 00:04:14,955
At the Pottery Barn?

70
00:04:15,632 --> 00:04:17,376
Well, I don't have your money.

71
00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:19,876
There are ways to communicate
your feelings for a woman...

72
00:04:20,053 --> 00:04:23,636
besides throwing diamonds at her.
- True, but diamonds get you limo skull.

73
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:29,469
Pottery Barn won't get you dry humped
in the back of a city bus.

74
00:04:29,813 --> 00:04:31,011
Charming.

75
00:04:31,189 --> 00:04:33,811
So, uh, how was the charity soiree
last night?

76
00:04:33,984 --> 00:04:36,522
I don't know.
We never made it out of the limo.

77
00:04:37,029 --> 00:04:39,187
Do you have any idea
how bad you're making me look?

78
00:04:39,364 --> 00:04:43,148
Oh, buddy, that's not me. That's genetics
and barber school haircuts.

79
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:46,162
How do you think it makes me feel
when I'm with Lyndsey...

80
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,330
and I have to watch you shower
Courtney with limos and diamonds?

81
00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:51,825
Huh. I never thought about that.
I have a solution though.

82
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:53,164
- What's that?
- Move out.

83
00:04:54,755 --> 00:04:58,669
I'd appreciate it if you didn't do
so much of that stuff in front of us.

84
00:04:58,842 --> 00:05:01,796
- Again, I have a solution.
- All right, let's stipulate for the record...

85
00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:04,342
that you want me to move out
and I'm not going, okay?

86
00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:07,599
What is it you'd have me do?
Not enjoy the money that I earn?

87
00:05:07,768 --> 00:05:09,428
Not lavish it on the people I love?

88
00:05:09,603 --> 00:05:12,853
Sneak around giving gifts
to my girlfriend so you don't get hurt?

89
00:05:13,398 --> 00:05:15,391
Is that something you'd consider?

90
00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:18,892
- No, but I'll tell you what I will do.
- What's that?

91
00:05:19,071 --> 00:05:22,855
If I come home to find you standing on
a chair with a rope around your neck...

92
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:26,200
because you can't bear
another moment of your pathetic life...

93
00:05:26,370 --> 00:05:28,861
I give you my word,
I will kick the chair.

94
00:05:32,876 --> 00:05:37,419
Ooh. Santa Claus bottle stopper.
Only $12.

95
00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:39,416
I can get her two.

96
00:05:42,552 --> 00:05:46,052
- Dad?
ALAN [MUFFLED]: Yeah.

97
00:05:47,808 --> 00:05:50,559
- I need money.
- Join the club.

98
00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:53,304
Seriously,
my clothes are getting too small.

99
00:05:53,522 --> 00:05:55,313
I give your mother money
every month...

100
00:05:55,524 --> 00:05:58,311
for the express purpose
of buying you whatever you need.

101
00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:00,436
Yeah, well, that's not how she sees it.

102
00:06:01,571 --> 00:06:04,407
I don't know what to tell you.
Things are tight right now.

103
00:06:04,574 --> 00:06:06,069
So are my shoes.

104
00:06:06,243 --> 00:06:09,078
ALAN: What do you want me to do,
tap into your college fund?

105
00:06:09,246 --> 00:06:11,073
I guess not.

106
00:06:11,748 --> 00:06:13,408
Hang on a second.

107
00:06:15,085 --> 00:06:17,291
Let's not throw that idea out
so quickly.

108
00:06:17,462 --> 00:06:19,918
- What do you mean?
- Well, realistically...

109
00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:23,755
do you actually see yourself
going to college?

110
00:06:23,927 --> 00:06:27,925
Because if you don't, we could use that
money to buy you some new clothes.

111
00:06:28,098 --> 00:06:29,972
Plus maybe some other things.

112
00:06:30,142 --> 00:06:31,600
It's funny that you ask that.

113
00:06:31,768 --> 00:06:34,259
I had no interest in college
until a few days ago.

114
00:06:34,438 --> 00:06:35,469
What changed?

115
00:06:35,647 --> 00:06:38,434
I saw this video called
<i>Topless Coeds of the Big 10...</i>

116
00:06:38,608 --> 00:06:40,815
and I decided
I need to go to college.

117
00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:44,358
You expect me to pay
$30-, $40,000 a year...

118
00:06:44,573 --> 00:06:47,064
so you can meet drunk girls
who lift their shirts?

119
00:06:47,784 --> 00:06:49,113
Yes, please.

120
00:06:50,370 --> 00:06:51,651
[GROANS]

121
00:06:51,830 --> 00:06:55,614
- Is that a "no" on the clothes money?
- I'll talk to your mother about it.

122
00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:58,497
Oh, now I'm filled with hope.

123
00:06:59,129 --> 00:07:00,872
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan, come here.

124
00:07:02,966 --> 00:07:06,050
- Are you gonna make me feel worse?
CHARLIE: Is that even possible?

125
00:07:06,219 --> 00:07:09,968
I wouldn't think so,
but you usually find a way.

126
00:07:10,891 --> 00:07:12,883
- What do you want?
- Couldn't help but hear you...

127
00:07:13,060 --> 00:07:15,729
trying to talk Huckleberry
out of getting an education.

128
00:07:15,896 --> 00:07:17,888
Yeah, not my proudest moment.

129
00:07:18,106 --> 00:07:21,392
I'm desperate to find a way to buy
Lyndsey a decent birthday present.

130
00:07:21,568 --> 00:07:23,062
All right, here's what I'm gonna do.

131
00:07:23,236 --> 00:07:25,906
I'll "lend" you enough
so you can buy her something nice.

132
00:07:26,114 --> 00:07:27,692
How much are we talking about?

133
00:07:27,866 --> 00:07:30,357
Are you kidding?
You're negotiating with me?

134
00:07:30,535 --> 00:07:34,319
No, no, forget it. I appreciate the offer,
but I'm not gonna take your money.

135
00:07:34,498 --> 00:07:37,867
I'm sorry, I think I might have
just had a small stroke.

136
00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:39,917
I heard you say
you won't take my money.

137
00:07:40,128 --> 00:07:41,326
Yeah, you heard me right.

138
00:07:41,505 --> 00:07:44,422
I have to find a way to buy Lyndsey
a nice present on my own.

139
00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:47,717
- It's a matter of self-respect.
- Little late for that, isn't it?

140
00:07:47,886 --> 00:07:51,670
- If it was for me, I'd take your money.
- If it was for you, I wouldn't offer it.

141
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:53,343
This is my girlfriend.

142
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:57,645
If I can't do this one thing for her,
then maybe I just don't deserve her.

143
00:07:58,355 --> 00:08:01,024
- Okay, what's your plan?
- I'm not sure.

144
00:08:01,191 --> 00:08:03,682
But when Alan Harper
sets his mind to something...

145
00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:06,434
just stand back
and watch it happen.

146
00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:10,945
Yeah, right.
Cue the theme from <i>Rocky.</i>

147
00:09:52,094 --> 00:09:53,173
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

148
00:10:25,377 --> 00:10:26,492
Need some help?

149
00:10:28,046 --> 00:10:30,537
- A little late to ask, don't you think?
- Nope.

150
00:10:31,717 --> 00:10:37,755
Well, the good news is I am done.
I have accomplished my mission.

151
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:41,514
After three weeks of 16-hour days
at the office and the mall...

152
00:10:41,685 --> 00:10:45,683
I've managed to earn enough money to
buy Lyndsey a beautiful birthday present.

153
00:10:45,856 --> 00:10:46,887
Voila.

154
00:10:47,357 --> 00:10:52,352
A matching set of
natural South Sea Island pearls.

155
00:10:53,572 --> 00:10:55,196
- No kidding?
- Mm-hm.

156
00:10:55,365 --> 00:10:58,402
- And you got these at the mall?
- Uh, well, in the mall parking lot.

157
00:10:59,536 --> 00:11:01,694
Alan, you bought pearls
from a guy in a parking lot?

158
00:11:01,872 --> 00:11:05,406
Not a guy. A Tahitian wholesaler.

159
00:11:05,584 --> 00:11:07,872
Do you have any idea
what the mark-up is on these?

160
00:11:08,045 --> 00:11:10,121
By eliminating the middleman,
I saved a fortune.

161
00:11:10,339 --> 00:11:13,043
- You sure about that?
- Don't worry. They're real.

162
00:11:13,216 --> 00:11:16,052
I have a certificate of authenticity.

163
00:11:18,889 --> 00:11:21,558
The word "authentic"
doesn't have a K in it.

164
00:11:22,059 --> 00:11:24,135
It's the man's second language,
Charlie.

165
00:11:26,646 --> 00:11:29,731
All right, but for future reference,
the way you tell if pearls are real...

166
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:31,477
is you rub them on your teeth.

167
00:11:31,651 --> 00:11:33,728
Rough, they're real.
Smooth, they're fake.

168
00:11:33,904 --> 00:11:37,901
Well, fine, fine.
I will prove it to you. See?

169
00:11:39,034 --> 00:11:40,576
Mm. Rough.

170
00:11:41,787 --> 00:11:44,871
And oddly minty.

171
00:11:52,673 --> 00:11:54,332
[CRACKING]

172
00:12:01,390 --> 00:12:03,181
Oh, darn.

173
00:12:09,564 --> 00:12:10,845
- Morning.
- Morning.

174
00:12:11,024 --> 00:12:13,942
- Hey, nice pearls.
- Found them in the garbage.

175
00:12:14,695 --> 00:12:16,853
Strange some of the things
people throw away.

176
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:19,901
I also found what looked like
a half-written suicide note...

177
00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:22,364
in your brother's handwriting.
- No kidding.

178
00:12:22,536 --> 00:12:23,734
Should I be worried?

179
00:12:23,912 --> 00:12:26,201
You mean that he won't
go through with it?

180
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:29,579
He'll be fine.
He's just having money problems.

181
00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:33,619
Okay, but fair warning.
He offs himself, I ain't cleaning it up.

182
00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:37,083
- Who's offing themselves?
- Nobody.

183
00:12:37,259 --> 00:12:39,251
BERTA:
Nobody important.

184
00:12:40,345 --> 00:12:42,587
Hey, I was wondering,
you going anywhere today?

185
00:12:42,764 --> 00:12:45,255
Don't try to play me, knucklehead.
Just ask.

186
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:46,762
- Can I borrow your car?
- No.

187
00:12:46,935 --> 00:12:49,094
- Come on.
- Dude, that's a very expensive car.

188
00:12:49,271 --> 00:12:51,596
There's no way
I'm putting you behind that wheel.

189
00:12:51,773 --> 00:12:53,647
- See you. I'm going shopping.
- Have fun.

190
00:12:53,859 --> 00:12:55,816
Courtney, you taking
Uncle Charlie's car?

191
00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:57,978
- Yeah. Why?
- Maybe I could drive you.

192
00:12:58,155 --> 00:12:59,981
Save you the hassle of parking.

193
00:13:00,157 --> 00:13:03,074
Oh, aren't you the sweetest thing?
Thanks.

194
00:13:03,243 --> 00:13:05,485
See you, handsome.

195
00:13:05,662 --> 00:13:07,489
Yeah, see you, handsome.

196
00:13:09,791 --> 00:13:11,499
Wonderful.

197
00:13:11,668 --> 00:13:15,120
I just got outsmarted by
Mr. Potato Head.

198
00:13:22,512 --> 00:13:24,754
- Hey.
- Hey.

199
00:13:31,813 --> 00:13:34,387
- I did a bad thing, Charlie.
- Uh-huh.

200
00:13:38,278 --> 00:13:40,947
- A very bad thing.
- Sorry to hear it.

201
00:13:42,699 --> 00:13:45,155
- I don't even wanna tell you about it.
- Good.

202
00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:46,441
- I am so ashamed.
- Okay.

203
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:48,862
We both know you're gonna tell me,
so tell me.

204
00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:51,115
In order to explain,
I have to go back a few years.

205
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:53,699
Oh, please, God, help me.

206
00:13:53,877 --> 00:13:56,831
When Judith and I were still married,
but having problems...

207
00:13:57,005 --> 00:14:01,632
I tried to make her happy by buying her
a really nice pair of diamond earrings.

208
00:14:01,802 --> 00:14:04,968
- You could afford diamond earrings?
- No alimony, no child support.

209
00:14:05,138 --> 00:14:06,882
It was a bountiful time.

210
00:14:07,474 --> 00:14:08,505
Uh-huh.

211
00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:11,305
I spent a fortune on them.
I wrapped them up nice...

212
00:14:11,478 --> 00:14:15,061
took her to an expensive restaurant
and gave them to her over cocktails.

213
00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:19,025
- And?
- She said thanks, ordered the lobster...

214
00:14:19,194 --> 00:14:21,021
then filed for divorce.

215
00:14:21,196 --> 00:14:23,983
At which point I moved in with you.

216
00:14:24,157 --> 00:14:27,158
You're right, Alan.
That was a very bad thing.

217
00:14:27,327 --> 00:14:30,743
- Oh, no, that was just the prologue.
- Oh, please, God, help me.

218
00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:33,411
This afternoon,
I was at Judith's to talk to her...

219
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:36,253
about using my child support
to buy Jake new clothes.

220
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,958
- Yeah.
- She's against it.

221
00:14:39,673 --> 00:14:42,211
We argued,
she stormed out of the room...

222
00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:46,927
and left me standing there by myself
in the house I used to own.

223
00:14:47,389 --> 00:14:49,678
Anyway, before I left, I figured I'd pee.

224
00:14:49,850 --> 00:14:53,515
I didn't need to, but with the traffic,
it's a good defensive move...

225
00:14:53,687 --> 00:14:55,098
Would you please get to it?

226
00:14:55,272 --> 00:14:56,731
Almost there. Almost there.

227
00:14:56,898 --> 00:14:59,603
So as I was walking
down the hallway...

228
00:14:59,776 --> 00:15:02,861
I noticed that
Judith's bedroom door was open.

229
00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:06,697
And I thought about
those beautiful diamond earrings...

230
00:15:06,867 --> 00:15:09,073
just sitting there in her jewelry box.

231
00:15:09,244 --> 00:15:13,242
And how I can't even afford
to buy my girlfriend a birthday present.

232
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:15,201
Let me guess.

233
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:16,751
You peed in her jewelry box.

234
00:15:20,505 --> 00:15:22,628
Judith never even wore them, Charlie.

235
00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:25,708
You stole diamonds
from your ex-wife?

236
00:15:26,636 --> 00:15:27,716
Yeah.

237
00:15:28,930 --> 00:15:30,888
Kudos!

238
00:15:34,478 --> 00:15:35,972
I don't know how it happened.

239
00:15:36,146 --> 00:15:39,432
It was like I was in a dream and
my hands belonged to someone else.

240
00:15:39,816 --> 00:15:42,272
I have that same dream all the time.

241
00:15:43,278 --> 00:15:46,232
Except in mine,
the hands do belong to someone else.

242
00:15:46,406 --> 00:15:48,565
I'm a good man, Charlie.
I play by the rules.

243
00:15:48,742 --> 00:15:50,651
- This isn't me.
- Sure it is.

244
00:15:50,827 --> 00:15:53,781
You made up your mind
to get Lyndsey a nice birthday present.

245
00:15:53,955 --> 00:15:57,040
The only part that isn't you
is that you succeeded.

246
00:15:57,626 --> 00:16:00,164
I can't give these to Lyndsey.
They're tainted.

247
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:02,910
I have to sneak them back
into Judith's jewelry box.

248
00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:05,129
- Oh, you can't do that.
- Why not?

249
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:08,965
Don't you watch TV? Every time the
crooks try to put the stolen loot back...

250
00:16:09,137 --> 00:16:11,463
it always goes horribly
and hilariously wrong.

251
00:16:11,932 --> 00:16:13,675
I'll just have to take that chance.

252
00:16:13,850 --> 00:16:16,685
Tomorrow I'm going back to Judith's.
I'll make this right.

253
00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:19,144
Suit yourself.

254
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:23,349
I don't suppose
you wanna come with me...

255
00:16:23,527 --> 00:16:26,278
maybe distract her
while I put the earrings back.

256
00:16:26,446 --> 00:16:29,946
Yeah, that sounds like a great plan.
What could go wrong?

257
00:16:31,576 --> 00:16:34,530
- Okay, I'll do it myself.
- Don't call me for bail money.

258
00:16:34,705 --> 00:16:36,781
Why? You'd give me money
to buy a present.

259
00:16:36,957 --> 00:16:39,364
You're not even planning
to get away with it?

260
00:16:39,543 --> 00:16:41,120
Of course, I am.

261
00:16:41,294 --> 00:16:44,379
But I was also planning
to become an astronaut and a cowboy.

262
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:53,461
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

263
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,048
- How was shopping?
- Oh, we had a great time.

264
00:16:56,226 --> 00:16:58,384
Yeah, it was a blast.

265
00:17:00,522 --> 00:17:03,309
Look, I got the same watch
Johnny Depp has.

266
00:17:03,859 --> 00:17:05,483
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

267
00:17:05,652 --> 00:17:08,226
- You bought him all this?
- Well, he was so helpful.

268
00:17:08,405 --> 00:17:10,113
Here you go, handsome.

269
00:17:11,199 --> 00:17:14,485
Oh, by the way,
you got a parking ticket.

270
00:17:18,498 --> 00:17:21,583
I don't want you buying stuff
for that clown on my credit card.

271
00:17:21,752 --> 00:17:23,543
Why not? You buy me stuff.

272
00:17:23,712 --> 00:17:25,704
- There's a difference.
- What's that?

273
00:17:25,881 --> 00:17:29,830
Well, you're having sex with me
and he's just screwing me.

274
00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:33,380
[JAKE LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

275
00:17:38,935 --> 00:17:40,394
You okay, honey?

276
00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:42,768
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just a little tired.

277
00:17:42,939 --> 00:17:45,395
Oh, of course, you are.
You've been working so hard.

278
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:46,682
Mm-hm.

279
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:49,351
- I got a little something for you.
- Oh, not tonight.

280
00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:51,237
I'm dead from the waist down.

281
00:17:51,698 --> 00:17:55,399
No, silly, not that. This.

282
00:17:55,577 --> 00:17:57,866
- What is it?
- Open it and see.

283
00:18:00,415 --> 00:18:03,286
A day of pampering
at the Beverly Glen Spa?

284
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:07,043
You get a massage, scalp treatment,
facial, mani-pedi, anything you want.

285
00:18:07,214 --> 00:18:10,168
- What's the occasion?
- You're my man. You deserve it.

286
00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:17,302
- Oh, boy.
- What's the matter?

287
00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:20,300
Well, your birthday's on Saturday.

288
00:18:20,477 --> 00:18:24,641
Alan, I told you, I don't expect
anything fancy or expensive.

289
00:18:25,148 --> 00:18:27,900
- I know you don't.
- Mm.

290
00:18:30,904 --> 00:18:32,695
Which is why I got you these.

291
00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:36,193
[GASPS]

292
00:18:36,493 --> 00:18:39,447
- You shouldn't have.
- Tell me about it.

293
00:18:39,621 --> 00:18:41,448
They must have cost a fortune.

294
00:18:41,623 --> 00:18:43,948
Oh, not really. I stole them.

295
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,994
[BOTH LAUGH]

296
00:18:50,674 --> 00:18:52,501
Oh. To my birthday girl.

297
00:18:52,676 --> 00:18:55,001
Thank you, sweetie.
How do they look?

298
00:18:55,178 --> 00:18:57,337
Almost as beautiful
as the woman wearing them.

299
00:18:57,514 --> 00:18:58,545
Oh, Alan.

300
00:18:58,724 --> 00:18:59,755
[ALAN CHUCKLES]

301
00:18:59,933 --> 00:19:01,593
Hey, hey, hey.

302
00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:03,595
Judith. Judith, Herb. Ha, ha.

303
00:19:03,770 --> 00:19:06,973
Um, what a surprise.
What brings you here?

304
00:19:07,149 --> 00:19:11,526
- It's our, uh, weekly "in lieu of sex" dinner.
- Herb.

305
00:19:11,695 --> 00:19:13,319
Oopsie.

306
00:19:14,031 --> 00:19:18,324
- Hi, Lyndsey. How have you been?
- Good, thanks. How about you?

307
00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:20,530
Fine.

308
00:19:21,496 --> 00:19:22,694
Alan, what is wrong with you?

309
00:19:22,873 --> 00:19:24,996
Nothing.
I'm, uh, just here with my girlfriend...

310
00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:27,954
having a little, uh, birthday celebration,
you know.

311
00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:29,373
What are you doing?

312
00:19:29,546 --> 00:19:32,749
Oh, I'm sorry. I love it
when your hair is down. It's so sexy.

313
00:19:34,384 --> 00:19:36,258
He's right, it is.

314
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:40,340
- Would you like to join us for a drink?
- Great idea.

315
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:44,470
- Uh, so, Lyndsey, happy birthday.
- Thank you.

316
00:19:44,644 --> 00:19:46,055
Did you get anything special?

317
00:19:46,229 --> 00:19:47,807
Well, as a matter of fact...

318
00:19:47,981 --> 00:19:50,816
All right, all right,
I just have to say something here.

319
00:19:50,984 --> 00:19:53,819
You whine and moan
about not having enough money...

320
00:19:53,987 --> 00:19:55,861
to buy decent clothes for our son...

321
00:19:56,031 --> 00:19:58,569
and yet somehow there's enough
for you to go out...

322
00:19:58,784 --> 00:20:02,200
and have a big fancy dinner.
- What?

323
00:20:02,371 --> 00:20:07,827
Oh, are you suddenly hard of hearing
or are you just allergic to the truth?

324
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:09,910
- Oh, hey. Hold on...
- No, no, no.

325
00:20:10,087 --> 00:20:13,088
This needs to be said.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

326
00:20:13,924 --> 00:20:16,331
Shame, shame, shame.

327
00:20:19,012 --> 00:20:20,175
Shame.

328
00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:24,179
Come on, Herb. He's crazy.

329
00:20:25,018 --> 00:20:27,177
Happy birthday, Lyndsey.
I love the earrings.

330
00:20:27,354 --> 00:20:29,430
- Herb.
- Coming.

331
00:20:34,236 --> 00:20:36,312
Can you believe
I was married to that bitch?

332
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,824
- Hey.
- Hey.

333
00:20:46,998 --> 00:20:48,078
Where have you been?

334
00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:51,037
I was, uh, dropping Jake off
at his mother's.

335
00:20:51,211 --> 00:20:54,912
- How are you handling your guilt?
- Oh, you mean about the earrings?

336
00:20:55,090 --> 00:20:57,795
Well, interesting thing.

337
00:20:57,968 --> 00:21:00,257
It's much easier the second time.

338
00:21:31,293 --> 00:21:33,285
[English - US - SDH]