1
00:00:03,797 --> 00:00:08,708
[SLURRING] Yeah, hi. I'm watching
your commercial for the Shake Weight.

2
00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:10,083
Yeah, I gotta tell you...

3
00:00:10,303 --> 00:00:14,432
my brother does basically the
same thing in the shower every day...

4
00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:19,182
and he has absolutely
no muscle tone in his arms.

5
00:00:19,354 --> 00:00:21,976
- All right, I'm out of here.
- Hold on a sec.

6
00:00:22,149 --> 00:00:24,474
What does this look like to you, Berta?

7
00:00:24,651 --> 00:00:26,311
Your brother in the shower?

8
00:00:27,863 --> 00:00:30,318
You hear that? It's not just me.

9
00:00:32,409 --> 00:00:35,244
Thanks, Berta. I'll see you tomorrow.

10
00:00:35,412 --> 00:00:36,692
No, you won't.

11
00:00:37,414 --> 00:00:40,581
I told you, I'm going to a family reunion
for a few days.

12
00:00:41,585 --> 00:00:43,459
But what about me?

13
00:00:44,838 --> 00:00:48,254
All right, let's go through this
one more time.

14
00:00:52,512 --> 00:00:56,213
I arranged to have a friend
fill in for me.

15
00:00:56,391 --> 00:00:58,598
Her name is Esmerelda.

16
00:00:59,394 --> 00:01:01,351
I have given her
detailed instructions...

17
00:01:01,521 --> 00:01:03,680
about how you like things done
around here.

18
00:01:03,857 --> 00:01:06,182
Did you tell her to roll me over
on my stomach...

19
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,685
so I don't choke on my own vomit?

20
00:01:09,863 --> 00:01:12,152
That's number one on the list.

21
00:01:13,492 --> 00:01:15,899
- Is she hot?
- She was in the '70s.

22
00:01:16,411 --> 00:01:18,119
I guess it's better that way. Yeah.

23
00:01:18,288 --> 00:01:21,871
Yeah, it's tough enough
that you and I have sexual tension.

24
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:27,083
Oh, by the way,
you promised me vacation pay.

25
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,129
Okay.

26
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,172
How much did we agree on?

27
00:01:32,386 --> 00:01:34,509
That looks about right.

28
00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:38,713
- Bye.
- See you tomorrow.

29
00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:46,355
- Uncle Charlie in there?
- Yep.

30
00:01:46,525 --> 00:01:49,229
- Drunk?
- Hammered.

31
00:01:49,403 --> 00:01:53,400
- Did you clean him out?
- Would I do that to my little buddy?

32
00:01:53,573 --> 00:01:54,854
Thank you, Berta.

33
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,658
MAN [ON TV]:
<i>Your muscles expand and...</i>

34
00:01:56,827 --> 00:02:01,204
- Have a good weekend, Uncle Charlie.
- Enjoy your family reunion.

35
00:02:01,790 --> 00:02:03,948
- What?
- What?

36
00:02:04,126 --> 00:02:06,284
You owe me for that pizza
from the other night.

37
00:02:06,461 --> 00:02:09,581
Oh, yeah, sorry.

38
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,671
- How much was it?
- That'll do it.

39
00:02:14,219 --> 00:02:15,879
ALAN:
Jake, let's go. Your mom's outside.

40
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:18,841
JAKE: See you, Uncle Charlie.
CHARLIE: See you, buddy.

41
00:02:19,016 --> 00:02:21,388
Thanks for the pizza.

42
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:25,308
- When did you guys have pizza?
- I have no idea.

43
00:02:28,734 --> 00:02:33,442
- Hey, Charlie, you remember Lyndsey?
- Nope.

44
00:02:35,949 --> 00:02:38,108
Hey, look.

45
00:02:38,285 --> 00:02:39,447
[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

46
00:02:44,624 --> 00:02:46,950
I'm exercising.

47
00:02:48,295 --> 00:02:51,165
Oh. Maybe you ought to sit down
for a minute.

48
00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:54,839
Good idea. I'm getting a little dizzy.

49
00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:59,968
- I hope I don't have a heart problem.
- No, you have a drinking problem.

50
00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:02,097
Well, that's a relief.

51
00:03:02,726 --> 00:03:03,971
So who's this Lyndsey?

52
00:03:04,144 --> 00:03:08,640
You remember. Lyndsey.
Early 40s, blond, pretty?

53
00:03:08,815 --> 00:03:10,725
No recollection.

54
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:14,851
I burned her house down, she left me
and went back to her ex-husband?

55
00:03:15,030 --> 00:03:16,904
Keep going.

56
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:20,235
Nice, full, very natural-looking C cup?

57
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:24,704
- Oh, right, Lyndsey.
- Here we go.

58
00:03:33,715 --> 00:03:36,289
- What are you doing?
- Childproofing you.

59
00:03:37,135 --> 00:03:38,511
Thank you.

60
00:03:38,679 --> 00:03:42,094
So you're dating Lindsay Lohan?

61
00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:45,058
No, no, Lyndsey Makelroy.

62
00:03:45,227 --> 00:03:48,560
Anyway, she called, and things
aren't working out with the ex-husband.

63
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:51,435
And though she didn't say
she wanted to get back together...

64
00:03:51,608 --> 00:03:53,897
I am gonna meet her for dinner.
- Well, that's great.

65
00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:55,100
- Mm-hm.
- Good for you.

66
00:03:56,071 --> 00:03:57,945
How do I look?

67
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:01,904
Like Lance Armstrong
after a three-day drunk.

68
00:04:03,036 --> 00:04:04,863
- Nice.
- Mm.

69
00:04:06,248 --> 00:04:09,202
You are a good brother, Alan.

70
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,708
Have some money.

71
00:04:12,546 --> 00:04:14,206
Thanks.

72
00:04:14,381 --> 00:04:17,382
[MUMBLING] If I were really a good
brother, I'd stage an intervention.

73
00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:20,042
Thanks for the pizza.

74
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,391
Eureka.

75
00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:38,238
I've invented the drinking helmet.

76
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:04,545
Hello?

77
00:05:06,933 --> 00:05:10,801
[IN SPANISH]

78
00:05:15,025 --> 00:05:17,730
Man, did I go to Tijuana last night?

79
00:05:22,074 --> 00:05:27,032
Me, you, not married, are we?

80
00:05:32,751 --> 00:05:36,036
I guess if the answer was yes,
she wouldn't be polishing the piano.

81
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:43,884
- Hey, Alan, quick question.
- Yeah?

82
00:05:45,013 --> 00:05:46,887
Who is that in our living room?

83
00:05:47,057 --> 00:05:50,011
- That's Esmerelda.
- Gonna need more.

84
00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:52,767
- Berta's friend.
- Keep going.

85
00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:56,100
Berta went to her family reunion.
Esmerelda's filling in.

86
00:05:56,274 --> 00:05:57,603
Oh.

87
00:05:57,776 --> 00:06:00,730
Would've been nice
if she'd given me a heads-up.

88
00:06:02,906 --> 00:06:06,607
- Aren't you gonna ask about last night?
- Oh, yeah.

89
00:06:06,785 --> 00:06:09,454
What did I do last night?

90
00:06:10,122 --> 00:06:13,455
Somehow I spent
almost all my money.

91
00:06:13,625 --> 00:06:15,784
No, I meant what I did last night.

92
00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:18,286
Oh. No.

93
00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:20,791
Lyndsey wants to get back together.

94
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:25,135
- C cups.
- Right, Lyndsey.

95
00:06:25,804 --> 00:06:27,844
She did split up
with her ex-husband, Chris.

96
00:06:28,056 --> 00:06:30,761
Said she realized
she didn't wanna go backwards.

97
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:33,805
In what universe is dating you
not going backwards?

98
00:06:34,479 --> 00:06:36,935
I know.
This guy must be some kind of mess.

99
00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:41,229
[IN ENGLISH]
Breakfast, Señor Harper?

100
00:06:41,403 --> 00:06:45,187
Why is she saying breakfast?
Am I supposed to make her breakfast?

101
00:06:45,365 --> 00:06:46,396
She'll make it for you.

102
00:06:46,575 --> 00:06:49,991
Mm. Try the huevos rancheros.
They're amazing. Uh...

103
00:06:50,162 --> 00:06:52,653
[IN SPANISH]

104
00:06:57,085 --> 00:06:58,330
[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

105
00:06:59,338 --> 00:07:01,414
Where did you learn
to speak Spanish?

106
00:07:01,590 --> 00:07:03,582
[IN ENGLISH]
Junior high, high school, college...

107
00:07:03,759 --> 00:07:07,175
two years of chiropractic school
in Mexico.

108
00:07:07,346 --> 00:07:09,504
You say that
like I'm supposed to know.

109
00:07:09,681 --> 00:07:12,089
You are supposed to know.
You're my brother.

110
00:07:13,685 --> 00:07:14,800
[IN SPANISH]

111
00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,009
Oh, no, no.

112
00:07:16,188 --> 00:07:18,513
[IN SPANISH]

113
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,191
ALAN:
Mm-hm.

114
00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:37,701
[ESMERELDA LAUGHING]

115
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,628
What's so funny?
Are you talking about me?

116
00:07:40,796 --> 00:07:42,456
[IN ENGLISH]
She says she likes your hat.

117
00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:51,210
CHARLIE:
Alan, come here, quick!

118
00:07:52,557 --> 00:07:55,642
Please, God, don't let it be a dead girl.

119
00:07:59,231 --> 00:08:00,262
What is it?

120
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,848
Open my door
and tell me what you see.

121
00:08:03,026 --> 00:08:06,063
Why? What do you see?

122
00:08:06,571 --> 00:08:08,066
Just look.

123
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,858
- Are the flying monkeys back?
- Don't joke about that, Alan.

124
00:08:13,829 --> 00:08:15,109
Wow.

125
00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:17,411
- Esmerelda did this?
- Can you believe it?

126
00:08:17,582 --> 00:08:20,252
The fresh-cut flowers,
the carafe of lemon water.

127
00:08:20,419 --> 00:08:23,206
- She laid out my slippers.
- Since when do you have slippers?

128
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:26,250
I don't know.
Is it possible she made them?

129
00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,882
- She put a chocolate on your pillow?
- Yep.

130
00:08:30,804 --> 00:08:31,919
See what it says?

131
00:08:32,097 --> 00:08:33,260
<i>"Felicidad."</i>

132
00:08:33,432 --> 00:08:36,598
- That means "merry Christmas," right?
- It means "happiness."

133
00:08:36,768 --> 00:08:39,769
You sure? What about that song
"Felicidad Navidas"?

134
00:08:39,938 --> 00:08:41,765
"Feliz Navidad"?

135
00:08:41,940 --> 00:08:43,933
Tomato, tamale.

136
00:08:44,109 --> 00:08:47,608
The point is,
Esmerelda is a terrific housekeeper.

137
00:08:47,779 --> 00:08:48,942
I didn't get a chocolate.

138
00:08:49,197 --> 00:08:51,985
- You're not Señor Harper.
- I'm a Señor Harper.

139
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,285
Yes, but you're not the Señor Harper
that pays her.

140
00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:57,781
Come on, you gotta see this.

141
00:08:57,956 --> 00:09:02,120
Still could've given me a chocolate.
How much could it cost?

142
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:03,705
Look.

143
00:09:04,296 --> 00:09:07,131
That's not a swan. That's my towel.

144
00:09:07,299 --> 00:09:09,588
- Nice touch.
- Had me fooled at first.

145
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,503
I tried to kill it.

146
00:09:12,804 --> 00:09:16,932
And look, she folded my toilet paper
into a little point.

147
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,342
After breakfast I used some,
stood up, shaved...

148
00:09:19,519 --> 00:09:22,686
and when I looked back,
I swear it was pointed again.

149
00:09:22,856 --> 00:09:24,813
- Is that a votive candle?
- Yep.

150
00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:27,475
She's praying
I have pleasant bowel movements.

151
00:09:27,652 --> 00:09:29,526
- Oh, please.
- No, no, no, it's working.

152
00:09:29,738 --> 00:09:32,739
This morning, soft, firm, easy-peasy.

153
00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:35,984
But wait, there's more. Come on.

154
00:09:39,456 --> 00:09:42,540
- Ta-da.
- She bought you a new grill?

155
00:09:42,751 --> 00:09:45,324
No, no, this is the old grill.
You know what she did?

156
00:09:45,504 --> 00:09:47,377
- What?
- She cleaned it.

157
00:09:48,382 --> 00:09:50,837
She cleaned the grill?
Berta never cleans the grill.

158
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:53,796
Tell me about it. She only comes out
on the deck to smoke pot.

159
00:09:53,970 --> 00:09:55,169
Señor Harper.

160
00:09:55,347 --> 00:09:58,798
- Yes?
- She's talking to me, Baba Louie. Yes?

161
00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:00,007
[IN SPANISH]

162
00:10:00,185 --> 00:10:01,560
Hell, yeah, <i>botanas.</i>

163
00:10:08,777 --> 00:10:10,568
- What's that mean? "Screw you"?
- Basically.

164
00:10:10,737 --> 00:10:13,228
Ha, ha. I love this woman.

165
00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:14,605
<i>Esmerelda, te amo.</i>

166
00:10:14,783 --> 00:10:16,194
[SPEAKING SPANISH]

167
00:10:16,368 --> 00:10:18,526
- Thought you didn't speak Spanish.
- I don't.

168
00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:20,364
I know how to say "I love you"...

169
00:10:20,539 --> 00:10:23,290
and "how much for a happy ending?"
In like 17 languages.

170
00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:24,490
You're kidding.

171
00:10:24,668 --> 00:10:27,622
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

172
00:10:29,381 --> 00:10:32,548
In case you ever wanna have
a good time in Central Africa.

173
00:10:36,638 --> 00:10:38,216
[DOORBELL RINGS]

174
00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:42,008
CHARLIE: Alan, get that.
Esmerelda's giving me a pedicure.

175
00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:45,601
Pedicure? I can't even get
a freaking chocolate.

176
00:10:46,857 --> 00:10:48,055
Hello, Alan.

177
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:51,770
Chris. Hey. Uh, what brings you by?

178
00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:54,068
Lyndsey mentioned
you two were dating again.

179
00:10:54,239 --> 00:10:57,857
I wanted to let you know that if
I had to lose her, I'm glad it was to you.

180
00:10:58,577 --> 00:11:01,862
Thank you.
How'd you get my address?

181
00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:05,324
Not important.
Here, I brought you a little gift.

182
00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:07,626
Okay. Ha, ha.

183
00:11:08,628 --> 00:11:12,247
- Nothing in here's gonna bite me, is it?
- Ha-ha-ha. Open it.

184
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:16,339
Oh.

185
00:11:16,511 --> 00:11:19,263
Look at that.
It's a picture of Lyndsey and you.

186
00:11:19,431 --> 00:11:23,974
Yeah, look how happy we were.
We just found out she was pregnant.

187
00:11:24,144 --> 00:11:26,433
It looks like she's glowing,
but it's lights...

188
00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:29,096
from the Ferris wheel
on the Santa Monica Pier.

189
00:11:30,484 --> 00:11:33,153
- I can't accept this.
- Oh, I want you to have it.

190
00:11:33,362 --> 00:11:37,146
You need to see how happy Lyndsey
made me so you can be that happy.

191
00:11:37,866 --> 00:11:41,449
Okay, I'm not quite sure
I follow the logic, but thank you.

192
00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:42,734
See you around.

193
00:11:42,913 --> 00:11:44,786
[BOTH CLICK]

194
00:11:44,956 --> 00:11:48,076
Ah, it's too late, Alan.
You're already dead.

195
00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:02,136
Well, that was a bit disturbing.

196
00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:13,231
Hey, one decaf Grande soy chai latte
with extra whipped cream.

197
00:12:13,735 --> 00:12:17,235
- And a black coffee for the lady.
- Thank you.

198
00:12:17,406 --> 00:12:20,241
- I don't know how you drink that stuff.
- Back at you.

199
00:12:20,409 --> 00:12:22,069
- Name?
- Alan.

200
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:25,447
What's so important that you didn't
wanna talk about it on the phone?

201
00:12:25,622 --> 00:12:28,243
It's not that it's important,
it's just that it's...

202
00:12:28,417 --> 00:12:31,418
If you dragged me here
to break up with me, I will murder you.

203
00:12:31,586 --> 00:12:33,912
Oh, no, no, no. Nobody's breaking up.

204
00:12:34,089 --> 00:12:37,921
But speaking of murder,
I saw your ex-husband yesterday.

205
00:12:38,093 --> 00:12:40,299
I'm sorry, "speaking of murder"?

206
00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,796
Oh, oh. Maybe I should back up a little.

207
00:12:42,973 --> 00:12:44,432
Chris showed up at my house...

208
00:12:44,599 --> 00:12:49,308
and handed me what I consider to be
a very inappropriate photo of you two.

209
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:53,144
That bastard. He told me
he threw those pictures away.

210
00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:56,604
Okay, I don't think we're talking
about the same pictures.

211
00:12:56,778 --> 00:13:00,028
But the point is,
before he left, he shot at me.

212
00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:01,945
He shot at you?

213
00:13:02,117 --> 00:13:05,616
Not with a gun, with his finger.
But the implication was pretty clear.

214
00:13:05,787 --> 00:13:09,832
Okay, let me get this straight.
I wasn't naked in the picture?

215
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,992
No, you were at the Santa Monica Pier.

216
00:13:13,128 --> 00:13:14,955
But not naked, right?

217
00:13:15,756 --> 00:13:20,881
Right. But my concern here is that your
ex-husband seems to be threatening me.

218
00:13:21,053 --> 00:13:24,718
Oh, Chris is harmless.
His bark is way worse than his bite.

219
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:28,508
- So you're saying he does bite?
- Alan, you have nothing to worry about.

220
00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:31,520
And if it'll make you feel better,
I'll talk to Chris.

221
00:13:31,688 --> 00:13:34,773
- Talk to me about what?
- What the hell?!

222
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,029
- How long have you been sitting there?
- I just got here.

223
00:13:39,196 --> 00:13:41,817
I was gonna say hi,
but thought it was a little creepy.

224
00:13:41,990 --> 00:13:45,157
- Ex-husband, new boyfriend.
- Are you following us?

225
00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:47,569
No, I just stopped in
to have a cup of coffee.

226
00:13:47,788 --> 00:13:50,872
- You live on the other side of town.
- But I like the coffee here.

227
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,916
Okay, I don't know what you're trying
to accomplish, but it needs to stop now.

228
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:58,744
Uh, I've got this, Lyndsey.

229
00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:00,252
Now...

230
00:14:01,176 --> 00:14:03,003
listen up, pal.

231
00:14:03,845 --> 00:14:07,677
I'm dating your ex-wife,
and there's nothing you can do about it.

232
00:14:07,849 --> 00:14:09,012
Do you understand me?

233
00:14:09,184 --> 00:14:11,390
Police! Police!

234
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:12,593
Calm down.

235
00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:16,100
- Chris, get out of here.
- I'm leaving.

236
00:14:17,359 --> 00:14:18,936
- Oh, Alan?
- What?

237
00:14:19,111 --> 00:14:20,735
See you around.

238
00:14:20,904 --> 00:14:24,273
- See? See? He shot me again.
- Calm down.

239
00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:27,403
Calm down? This guy is crazy.
We need a restraining order.

240
00:14:27,577 --> 00:14:30,448
- I don't think that's necessary.
- Of course it's necessary.

241
00:14:30,622 --> 00:14:33,457
This is unacceptable behavior.
I am not putting up with it.

242
00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:35,036
Forget the restraining order.

243
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:38,579
I'm gonna pay him a visit and make it
clear he's messing with the wrong guy.

244
00:14:38,755 --> 00:14:41,377
- Alan?
- Aah! Police! Police!

245
00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:47,880
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

246
00:14:48,056 --> 00:14:50,726
Breakfast time.
Esmerelda's huevos rancher...

247
00:14:50,892 --> 00:14:52,719
Whoa. Berta.

248
00:14:52,894 --> 00:14:56,228
- Hey.
- I thought you were at a family reunion.

249
00:14:56,398 --> 00:14:59,103
Came home early.
Turns out I don't like my family.

250
00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:03,068
So you came back. Yay.

251
00:15:03,947 --> 00:15:06,070
So Esmerelda's not coming in
anymore?

252
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:07,439
No, I called her.

253
00:15:07,617 --> 00:15:09,657
She didn't mess things up too bad,
did she?

254
00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:13,155
No, no, no. I mean, she's not you,
so there was a little adjustment.

255
00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:16,572
What's that you're eating?

256
00:15:16,752 --> 00:15:18,460
- Western omelet.
- Oh.

257
00:15:18,628 --> 00:15:20,586
- Looks good.
- It is.

258
00:15:20,756 --> 00:15:22,629
Which reminds me, you're out of eggs.

259
00:15:24,301 --> 00:15:26,258
ALAN: Charlie?
- In here.

260
00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:30,419
Staring at me while I eat
is making me very uncomfortable.

261
00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:34,348
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Charlie, I've got a problem.

262
00:15:34,519 --> 00:15:37,093
How about that?
The problem's got a problem.

263
00:15:37,814 --> 00:15:40,685
Berta's back. Yay.

264
00:15:40,859 --> 00:15:43,267
I'm going somewhere
I can eat in peace.

265
00:15:43,445 --> 00:15:45,521
I thought my family was annoying.

266
00:15:46,531 --> 00:15:49,485
- Can you believe it? Esmerelda's gone.
- Yeah, boohoo.

267
00:15:49,659 --> 00:15:51,699
Lyndsey's ex-husband
threatened to kill me.

268
00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:55,197
How is that a bigger problem than me
having to make my own breakfast?

269
00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:56,826
I'm serious. He's crazy.

270
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,076
Of course he's crazy.
He's an ex-husband.

271
00:15:59,252 --> 00:16:01,079
The words go together.
"Crazy ex-husband."

272
00:16:01,254 --> 00:16:03,330
- I'm an ex-husband.
- There you go.

273
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:06,834
What're we gonna do about Esmerelda?
It's not like I can fire Berta.

274
00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:09,501
Sure, you can.
Frankly, I never cared for the woman.

275
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,680
What am I gonna do?
I don't wanna lose Lyndsey. I love her.

276
00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:16,894
And I love huevos rancheros
and chocolate felicidadas on my pillow.

277
00:16:17,062 --> 00:16:19,683
Okay, we seem to be talking
at cross-purposes here.

278
00:16:19,856 --> 00:16:22,015
Because you're not focusing
on the real issue.

279
00:16:22,192 --> 00:16:26,142
I've just lost the best housekeeper
since Wilma Flintstone.

280
00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:28,151
[ALAN SCREAMS]

281
00:16:28,323 --> 00:16:29,698
What the hell?

282
00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:32,986
- What was that?
- A rock. Oh.

283
00:16:33,495 --> 00:16:34,693
It's gotta be Chris.

284
00:16:34,871 --> 00:16:37,576
- How can you be sure?
- Who else would throw a rock at me?

285
00:16:37,749 --> 00:16:40,074
Good point.
I'm here and Mom's out of town.

286
00:16:40,836 --> 00:16:43,243
I ain't cleaning that up.

287
00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:50,384
[PHONE RINGS]

288
00:16:52,055 --> 00:16:53,597
Hello?

289
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:56,474
Hello?

290
00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:03,351
[ON CELL PHONE]
<i>Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon</i>

291
00:17:04,276 --> 00:17:05,984
Hello?

292
00:17:06,611 --> 00:17:07,940
Hello?

293
00:17:08,113 --> 00:17:11,696
Okay, whoever this is, you should know
that you're not scaring me...

294
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:13,527
[DOORBELL RINGS
AND ALAN SCREAMS]

295
00:17:19,875 --> 00:17:22,282
Esmerelda. Come on in.

296
00:17:22,461 --> 00:17:24,003
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

297
00:17:25,297 --> 00:17:29,341
[IN SPANISH]

298
00:17:29,509 --> 00:17:31,004
Yeah, yeah, me too.

299
00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:34,096
Esmerelda?

300
00:17:34,264 --> 00:17:37,348
[ESMERELDA & ALAN SPEAKING
IN SPANISH]

301
00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:38,715
Charlie, what's going on?

302
00:17:38,894 --> 00:17:40,305
<i>Excusez-moi.</i>

303
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:45,059
From now on,
Berta will be our day housekeeper...

304
00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:48,768
and Esmerelda will be our
night housekeeper, capiche?

305
00:17:48,945 --> 00:17:51,615
- Does Berta know?
- Berta doesn't need to know.

306
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:53,490
Um, so, what's she gonna think...

307
00:17:53,658 --> 00:17:56,232
when she sees pointed toilet paper
and swan towels?

308
00:17:56,411 --> 00:18:00,456
Way ahead of you. I'll just unswan and
unpoint everything before she gets here.

309
00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,573
Then why do it?

310
00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:05,787
Is it worth the trouble
to sneak around behind Berta's back?

311
00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:07,291
I know it's crazy...

312
00:18:09,132 --> 00:18:11,089
but the woman makes me happy.

313
00:18:12,928 --> 00:18:14,256
<i>Botanas, Señor Harper?</i>

314
00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:17,715
<i>Oh, sí... vous plaît.</i>

315
00:18:20,102 --> 00:18:22,937
How about that?
I'm starting to pick up the language.

316
00:18:23,563 --> 00:18:25,058
It's a shame the language is French.

317
00:18:25,232 --> 00:18:26,940
[PHONE RINGS AND ALAN SCREAMS]

318
00:18:38,954 --> 00:18:42,619
Alan, relax. If Chris wanted to kill you,
he'd climb through your window...

319
00:18:42,791 --> 00:18:45,578
while you're sleeping
and smother you with a pillow.

320
00:18:46,169 --> 00:18:47,794
Thank you, that's very helpful.

321
00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:50,454
At least
that's how I always imagined doing it.

322
00:18:50,632 --> 00:18:51,961
BERTA:
You rat bastard.

323
00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:54,802
Berta.

324
00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:59,755
- It's not what it looks like.
- Is that so? Then what is it?

325
00:19:00,392 --> 00:19:01,590
Uh...

326
00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:03,761
It's purely sexual.

327
00:19:05,522 --> 00:19:08,772
I'm not stupid, Charlie.
I know when I'm being two-timed.

328
00:19:08,942 --> 00:19:11,148
Charlie, I'm shocked. Shocked.

329
00:19:11,778 --> 00:19:13,522
Berta, I had no idea this was going...

330
00:19:13,697 --> 00:19:16,104
- Stay out of it, Zippy.
- I'm out.

331
00:19:17,325 --> 00:19:20,825
- What do you have to say for yourself?
- I am so sorry. I got carried away.

332
00:19:20,996 --> 00:19:24,329
I think if we all sit down like adults and
talk this through, we can make it work.

333
00:19:24,499 --> 00:19:26,658
Uh-uh. It's either me or her.

334
00:19:26,835 --> 00:19:29,871
Oh, please don't make me choose, Berta.
I love you both.

335
00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:33,332
- Goodbye, Charlie.
- No, wait, wait, wait.

336
00:19:39,181 --> 00:19:42,466
It's you, Berta. It's always been you.

337
00:19:44,019 --> 00:19:46,510
I'm sorry. It's just not our time.

338
00:19:48,982 --> 00:19:50,560
Please tell her how sorry I am.

339
00:19:50,776 --> 00:19:54,358
[IN SPANISH]

340
00:20:01,745 --> 00:20:03,987
[ESMERELDA & BERTA LAUGHING]

341
00:20:07,209 --> 00:20:09,534
Adiós, Señor Harper.

342
00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:13,292
Arrivederci, Esmerelda.

343
00:20:14,091 --> 00:20:16,463
[IN ENGLISH]
Okay, then, I'll see you tomorrow.

344
00:20:16,635 --> 00:20:17,880
Good, good.

345
00:20:18,053 --> 00:20:20,211
- I'll be late.
- That's okay.

346
00:20:20,389 --> 00:20:23,508
You might wanna clean that hair up
off the floor before I get in.

347
00:20:23,684 --> 00:20:25,676
- Sure, I'm on it.
- Okay.

348
00:20:33,235 --> 00:20:35,773
Oh, Esmerelda.

349
00:20:37,739 --> 00:20:39,020
No.

350
00:20:39,199 --> 00:20:41,607
No, I can't let her go.

351
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,120
Oh, hey, Chris. Pillow's on the couch.
Alan's in his room. Esmerelda!

352
00:21:19,614 --> 00:21:21,607
[English - US - SDH]