1
00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,628
So I'm confused.
2
00:00:05,799 --> 00:00:08,716
Is Edward the gay vampire
or the gay werewolf?
3
00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:09,965
The vampire.
4
00:00:10,137 --> 00:00:13,303
And he's not gay, he's androgynous.
5
00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:17,553
So he can write with both hands.
Big deal.
6
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,808
No, I mean... Never mind.
7
00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:23,600
I'll tell you what's a great movie.
8
00:00:23,817 --> 00:00:25,311
Jackass Two.
9
00:00:25,777 --> 00:00:28,447
I know what you're thinking,
sequels suck. But not that.
10
00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:31,614
One part where this guy puts on
a diver's helmet with a hose.
11
00:00:31,825 --> 00:00:34,992
And this fat guy farts into the tube
until he pukes.
12
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:39,202
The guy in the diver's helmet,
not the fat guy.
13
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:44,413
- Sounds puerile.
- Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile.
14
00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:46,545
Unless puerile isn't good.
15
00:00:46,715 --> 00:00:48,838
In which case, it's totally unpuerile.
16
00:00:50,427 --> 00:00:52,254
Anti-puerile?
17
00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:54,257
Maybe we shouldn't talk.
18
00:00:56,475 --> 00:00:58,763
CHARLIE:
Hello.
19
00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,809
- Crap.
- Is that your dad?
20
00:01:00,979 --> 00:01:03,102
No. Worse. My drunken uncle.
21
00:01:04,858 --> 00:01:07,859
I just pray he remembered
to pull up his zipper.
22
00:01:09,029 --> 00:01:11,021
There's my main man...
23
00:01:11,198 --> 00:01:17,201
Jake-a-roonie, Jake-a-reenie,
Jake the snake.
24
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,410
- Who are you?
- Megan.
25
00:01:20,582 --> 00:01:25,707
Meg-a-roonie, Meg-a-reenie,
Megan the snagan.
26
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:30,084
- Zipper, Uncle Charlie.
- Good catch.
27
00:01:32,302 --> 00:01:34,591
- I thought you had a date tonight.
- Not a date.
28
00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,637
A date experience.
29
00:01:36,807 --> 00:01:39,642
- What's the difference?
- About $1500.
30
00:01:46,108 --> 00:01:48,314
So, Megan, what's your deal?
31
00:01:48,485 --> 00:01:50,442
Trying to teach your parents a lesson?
32
00:01:51,405 --> 00:01:53,231
- I'm in Jake's homeroom.
- Got it.
33
00:01:53,407 --> 00:01:56,941
Yeah, I was pretty sure you didn't
meet him in Honors Math class.
34
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:02,747
Boy, I remember being your age,
going out with Beth Anderson.
35
00:02:02,916 --> 00:02:04,375
She was head cheerleader.
36
00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,746
I was crazy about her,
but she dumped me and left me...
37
00:02:07,921 --> 00:02:09,914
with nothing but a broken heart.
38
00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:11,418
And the clap.
39
00:02:13,135 --> 00:02:14,380
The what?
40
00:02:14,553 --> 00:02:17,507
Wow, you kids today have no idea
what that is, do you?
41
00:02:17,681 --> 00:02:20,682
I know it sounds cute. The clap.
42
00:02:21,226 --> 00:02:23,682
But it burns like hell.
43
00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:26,267
I think I'd better get home.
44
00:02:26,648 --> 00:02:30,064
Wait, don't go.
He'll be passed out in 10 minutes.
45
00:02:30,235 --> 00:02:33,355
- I'll see you in homeroom.
- Come on, Megan.
46
00:02:33,530 --> 00:02:34,810
Thanks a lot.
47
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:37,232
You're welcome.
48
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,995
- I'm really gonna get you back for this.
- Okey-dokey.
49
00:02:41,163 --> 00:02:43,286
JAKE:
Megan, hold up.
50
00:02:43,457 --> 00:02:45,533
Oh, Beth Anderson.
51
00:02:46,335 --> 00:02:50,463
Every time it hurts when I pee,
I think of you.
52
00:03:08,732 --> 00:03:10,356
Charlie.
53
00:03:11,276 --> 00:03:13,601
- What?
- Sign this.
54
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:17,279
I'm not signing anything
till I see a lawyer.
55
00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:20,447
- Wake up.
- What?
56
00:03:20,619 --> 00:03:22,825
Birthday card for Mom. Sign it.
57
00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:24,905
No, thanks.
58
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:28,410
Come back with a
do-not-resuscitate form and we'll talk.
59
00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:29,616
Come on, Charlie.
60
00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:34,294
- What'd we get her?
- You mean, what did I get her?
61
00:03:34,675 --> 00:03:37,130
No. I mean, what did I pay for?
62
00:03:37,302 --> 00:03:39,295
We went 50-50 on engraved stationery.
63
00:03:39,888 --> 00:03:40,919
Fifty-fifty?
64
00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:43,472
Okay, a hundred-zero...
65
00:03:44,142 --> 00:03:47,143
but I will pay you back.
- Right.
66
00:03:47,312 --> 00:03:51,013
I assume you don't want to give her her
present and wish her happy birthday.
67
00:03:51,191 --> 00:03:54,192
And I assume
you're never gonna pay me back.
68
00:03:54,403 --> 00:03:56,194
We are a well-oiled machine.
69
00:03:58,657 --> 00:04:01,942
"Mom, you know how I feel.
Charlie."
70
00:04:04,162 --> 00:04:06,404
Straight from the heart.
71
00:04:10,502 --> 00:04:13,503
- This just blows.
- Come on.
72
00:04:13,672 --> 00:04:14,703
[DOORBELL RINGS]
73
00:04:14,881 --> 00:04:17,289
Seeing you is gonna
make your grandmother very happy.
74
00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,502
EVELYN [OVER RADIO]:
What do you two want?
75
00:04:20,679 --> 00:04:23,004
Hi, Mom. Happy birthday.
76
00:04:24,016 --> 00:04:25,842
Happy birthday.
77
00:04:26,935 --> 00:04:27,966
We bought you a gift.
78
00:04:28,145 --> 00:04:31,561
EVELYN: Doesn't give you license
to show up unannounced, but all right.
79
00:04:31,732 --> 00:04:32,846
[DOOR BUZZES]
80
00:04:34,818 --> 00:04:36,561
She just better keep me in the will.
81
00:04:36,987 --> 00:04:40,854
EVELYN: I can hear you, Jake.
- Love you, Grandma.
82
00:04:47,956 --> 00:04:51,621
Just so you know, I like this even less
than you do.
83
00:04:51,793 --> 00:04:53,620
That's hard to believe.
84
00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:56,666
I gotta tell you, Mom,
you are looking younger every year.
85
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,038
Uh-huh.
86
00:04:58,216 --> 00:05:00,707
I hope you lie to your parents
better than that.
87
00:05:00,886 --> 00:05:02,000
I do.
88
00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:03,721
I don't.
89
00:05:05,474 --> 00:05:10,052
- So, uh, do you like your present?
- It's stationery with a big E on it.
90
00:05:10,228 --> 00:05:13,977
- It stands for "Evelyn."
- Very good, darling.
91
00:05:14,149 --> 00:05:16,901
Uncle Charlie said the E was for "evil."
92
00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:20,689
So any big birthday plans?
93
00:05:20,864 --> 00:05:22,857
- Like what?
- I don't know. Hot date?
94
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:24,575
I did have a date.
95
00:05:24,743 --> 00:05:26,451
- What happened?
- He cancelled.
96
00:05:27,204 --> 00:05:28,828
You got dumped on your birthday?
97
00:05:28,997 --> 00:05:31,239
That's so puerile.
98
00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:34,745
Or is it?
99
00:05:36,588 --> 00:05:38,497
What is wrong with him?
100
00:05:38,674 --> 00:05:41,165
Nothing organic.
We've had him checked.
101
00:05:43,261 --> 00:05:45,005
So is there birthday cake?
102
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:48,264
Oh, Jake, what is to become of you?
103
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:50,675
Thank God
my life is mostly behind me.
104
00:05:50,852 --> 00:05:52,097
I'd hate to be your age...
105
00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:55,853
preparing to make my way in a world
that's coming apart at the seams...
106
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:59,773
while having no discernible job skills
or charisma whatsoever.
107
00:06:00,779 --> 00:06:04,278
So is that a yea or nay on the cake?
108
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:11,949
Bye, Mom. Happy birthday.
109
00:06:12,124 --> 00:06:13,534
That was grim.
110
00:06:14,042 --> 00:06:17,043
Yeah, who has a birthday party
without cake?
111
00:06:18,296 --> 00:06:20,123
Your uncle really dodged a bullet.
112
00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:22,624
Yeah, he did.
113
00:06:23,885 --> 00:06:26,637
Hey, Dad, maybe
we shouldn't leave Grandma alone.
114
00:06:26,805 --> 00:06:28,299
She seemed kind of depressed.
115
00:06:28,473 --> 00:06:29,505
Oh, uh, don't worry.
116
00:06:29,683 --> 00:06:33,134
She doesn't commit suicide,
she inspires it.
117
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:37,930
Maybe it'd be nice to have her to Uncle
Charlie's for a real birthday dinner.
118
00:06:39,526 --> 00:06:42,646
You know, Jake, it's moments like this
that make me proud.
119
00:06:42,821 --> 00:06:44,280
You've got a big heart.
120
00:06:44,448 --> 00:06:46,321
We'll bring her back
to Uncle Charlie's.
121
00:06:54,166 --> 00:06:55,494
- Hey.
- Hey.
122
00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:56,948
How was your time in hell?
123
00:06:57,127 --> 00:06:59,416
So good he brought a little back
with him.
124
00:07:00,922 --> 00:07:03,793
Hey... Hey, Mom, happy birthday.
125
00:07:04,343 --> 00:07:07,260
I would've come over, but...
126
00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:09,970
Oh, come on,
do I really need a reason?
127
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:12,465
That's all right.
I don't expect much from you...
128
00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:14,137
and you never disappoint me.
129
00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:18,643
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
drown my sorrows in alcohol.
130
00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:21,686
If you're not committed to alcohol,
there's ocean out there.
131
00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:23,851
What are you doing?
132
00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:27,157
I thought it'd be nice
if we had a birthday dinner.
133
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,316
You thought it'd be nice
to invite Mom?
134
00:07:29,493 --> 00:07:30,951
Actually, it was Jake's idea.
135
00:07:31,453 --> 00:07:32,995
Of course.
136
00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:34,990
Jake.
137
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:39,412
And where is the boy?
138
00:07:39,586 --> 00:07:41,579
Sunday.
I dropped him off at his Mom's.
139
00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:43,166
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
140
00:07:47,386 --> 00:07:49,177
Hey, Uncle Charlie. How's it going?
141
00:07:49,846 --> 00:07:52,172
You rat bastard.
142
00:07:52,641 --> 00:07:54,135
Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
143
00:07:55,894 --> 00:07:57,009
Bye.
144
00:07:58,605 --> 00:08:00,396
What did he mean,
"payback's a bitch"?
145
00:08:00,607 --> 00:08:04,652
Damn it, Charlie, how am I supposed
to make a martini without green olives?
146
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:09,067
He misspoke.
He meant "the bitch is payback."
147
00:08:19,042 --> 00:08:23,122
So this is it? We're just gonna sit here
watching television till dinnertime?
148
00:08:23,296 --> 00:08:25,918
I'm hoping to do it till bedtime.
149
00:08:26,925 --> 00:08:28,123
We can't talk?
150
00:08:28,552 --> 00:08:31,257
- What would you like to talk about?
- Don't encourage her.
151
00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:34,596
What comes immediately to mind
is the futility of love...
152
00:08:34,766 --> 00:08:39,428
the disappointment of family
and the inevitability of death.
153
00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:41,763
I'd be with you if "inevitable"
meant now.
154
00:08:43,442 --> 00:08:46,443
I am sorry, but I cannot go along
with you two gloomy Guses.
155
00:08:46,611 --> 00:08:48,818
I look at life
and I see the cup as half full.
156
00:08:48,989 --> 00:08:52,939
But the cup belongs to your brother,
and what it's half full of is tears.
157
00:08:54,453 --> 00:08:57,619
- Good one, Mom.
- You're no one to talk.
158
00:08:57,789 --> 00:09:00,078
He at least aspires to normalcy.
159
00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:02,955
Tries to have meaningful relationships
with women.
160
00:09:03,337 --> 00:09:05,163
You go out with a girl and break up...
161
00:09:05,339 --> 00:09:08,505
before her hoo-ha can develop
a five o'clock shadow.
162
00:09:10,635 --> 00:09:15,630
Well, in his defense, Mom,
he's usually paying by the hour.
163
00:09:16,808 --> 00:09:21,020
Very smart, Alan.
Bite the syphilitic hand that feeds you.
164
00:09:24,024 --> 00:09:28,187
Well, if neither of you is going to
refill my drink, I'll do it myself.
165
00:09:28,362 --> 00:09:29,904
Help yourself, Mom.
166
00:09:30,113 --> 00:09:32,818
I keep the vodka in a bleach bottle.
167
00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:41,697
- [WHISPERING] I gotta get out of here.
- You're gonna leave me alone with her?
168
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:45,659
Hey, I was alone with her for two years
before you were born. You owe me.
169
00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:51,172
- Why don't we both make a break for it?
- Okay. Great.
170
00:09:51,927 --> 00:09:53,006
On three.
171
00:09:55,013 --> 00:09:56,555
One.
172
00:09:57,432 --> 00:09:59,341
Two...
173
00:10:04,064 --> 00:10:06,851
You're supposed to say "go"
after three.
174
00:10:08,276 --> 00:10:11,396
Before we pick up the olives,
can we stop at a pharmacy?
175
00:10:11,571 --> 00:10:13,196
Sure.
176
00:10:16,535 --> 00:10:19,701
Isn't anybody gonna ask why?
177
00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:24,916
Fine. Why?
178
00:10:25,085 --> 00:10:27,754
Don't ask if you don't care.
179
00:10:29,715 --> 00:10:31,588
It's a woman problem.
180
00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:34,084
- Enough said.
- As you get older...
181
00:10:34,261 --> 00:10:38,389
certain parts of your body
don't lubricate properly.
182
00:10:39,808 --> 00:10:43,259
Please, God, tell me you have to
pick up some Visine.
183
00:10:43,729 --> 00:10:47,394
I'm not talking about my eyes, Charlie.
184
00:10:47,566 --> 00:10:49,108
[CHARLIE & ALAN GROAN]
185
00:10:49,651 --> 00:10:52,225
Oh, sure, one can masturbate
to keep things flowing...
186
00:10:52,404 --> 00:10:55,903
but it's not the same
as actual intercourse.
187
00:11:08,795 --> 00:11:10,587
What's his problem?
188
00:11:10,756 --> 00:11:12,795
Just give him a minute.
189
00:11:15,093 --> 00:11:19,423
That was very rude leaving us
sitting there on the side of the road.
190
00:11:19,598 --> 00:11:22,433
Would you rather I threw up
in the car?
191
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,093
- Hey, Charlie.
- Oh, hey, Russell.
192
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:27,014
My mother, Evelyn. My brother, Alan.
193
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:29,353
- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
194
00:11:29,524 --> 00:11:32,774
Can I interest you folks
in a codeine popsicle?
195
00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:34,024
It's my own invention.
196
00:11:34,237 --> 00:11:35,435
I think we're good.
197
00:11:35,614 --> 00:11:38,365
You suck on one of these,
you'll be great.
198
00:11:38,533 --> 00:11:40,941
I call it "springtime on a stick."
199
00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:45,283
Yeah, listen, my mom needs some...
200
00:11:47,125 --> 00:11:48,785
Mom?
201
00:11:50,796 --> 00:11:51,958
Birth control pills.
202
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:55,796
Do you have a prescription?
203
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:57,794
Kidding, we're all friends here.
204
00:11:57,969 --> 00:12:00,887
Come on back
and I'll show you our selection.
205
00:12:01,056 --> 00:12:02,634
Well, aren't you a doll?
206
00:12:02,808 --> 00:12:04,634
And I'm anatomically correct.
207
00:12:06,478 --> 00:12:08,387
Good to know.
208
00:12:09,147 --> 00:12:10,974
Why'd she ask for birth control pills?
209
00:12:11,149 --> 00:12:16,144
Gee, I don't know. Maybe she didn't
wanna lead with her dry hoo-ha.
210
00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:21,991
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yes. But this time be clear.
211
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,245
- Do we run on "go" or just "three"?
- No, no, there's no running.
212
00:12:25,414 --> 00:12:26,872
Let's set her up with Russell.
213
00:12:27,833 --> 00:12:32,329
- Gee. I'm not sure that's a good match.
- When did this become eHarmony?
214
00:12:32,504 --> 00:12:35,209
- We just need to get her out of our hair.
- Right, right.
215
00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:39,209
- Follow my lead.
- Thanks, Russell, these'll be just fine.
216
00:12:39,386 --> 00:12:42,055
- What do I owe you?
- Oh, it's on the house.
217
00:12:42,222 --> 00:12:45,721
Any mom of Charlie's
is a potential lifelong customer of mine.
218
00:12:46,226 --> 00:12:47,389
Aren't you sweet?
219
00:12:47,561 --> 00:12:50,431
Or it could just be
Mr. Popsicle talking.
220
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:53,851
Russell, uh, we're having
a birthday dinner for Mom tonight.
221
00:12:54,026 --> 00:12:56,813
If you're not doing anything,
maybe you'd like to join us.
222
00:12:56,987 --> 00:12:59,394
- What a wonderful idea.
- I'd love to.
223
00:12:59,573 --> 00:13:02,194
What can I bring? Xanax, Ritalin?
224
00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:05,534
- What are you serving?
- Chinese takeout.
225
00:13:06,246 --> 00:13:09,117
Then perhaps something
from the opiate family?
226
00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:12,246
- Bring whatever you want.
- Done and done.
227
00:13:12,419 --> 00:13:14,708
And I will see you later, birthday girl.
228
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,331
I'll see you later,
anatomically correct boy.
229
00:13:20,052 --> 00:13:21,925
- So around 7?
- With bells on.
230
00:13:22,095 --> 00:13:24,551
- Thanks for the invite.
- You're welcome.
231
00:13:25,724 --> 00:13:28,725
You poor clueless bastard.
232
00:13:31,938 --> 00:13:35,983
I don't know why I didn't think of this
years ago. Russell's perfect for Mom.
233
00:13:36,151 --> 00:13:38,227
They've both been divorced
multiple times...
234
00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,894
they're both trying to hang on
to their youth...
235
00:13:41,073 --> 00:13:44,406
plus they're both big fans
of class A narcotics.
236
00:13:45,285 --> 00:13:47,112
Does Russell have kids?
237
00:13:47,287 --> 00:13:49,410
None that he admits to.
238
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:51,866
[IN UNISON] Just like Mom.
239
00:13:52,793 --> 00:13:55,996
Well, boys, what do you think?
240
00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:58,411
Wow, you look terrific.
241
00:13:58,590 --> 00:14:00,417
- It's not too much, is it?
- No, no, no.
242
00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:03,926
The bright colors are good for Russell.
It keeps him from nodding off.
243
00:14:04,262 --> 00:14:06,421
I want you both to know
how grateful I am...
244
00:14:06,598 --> 00:14:10,181
for everything you've done
to make this a special birthday for me.
245
00:14:10,352 --> 00:14:12,309
- You're welcome.
- Want to make you happy.
246
00:14:12,479 --> 00:14:14,768
Thank you, but if you wanted
to make me happy...
247
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,395
you would've made
different life choices.
248
00:14:17,859 --> 00:14:18,939
[DOORBELL RINGS]
249
00:14:19,111 --> 00:14:21,898
- That's him.
- Hang on.
250
00:14:22,781 --> 00:14:24,608
All right, open the door.
251
00:14:31,998 --> 00:14:34,324
Russell. Russell!
252
00:14:34,501 --> 00:14:38,451
- Oh! Hi, Charlie. This is Jill.
- Hi, Jill.
253
00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:40,623
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
254
00:14:41,675 --> 00:14:42,706
What's with the date?
255
00:14:42,926 --> 00:14:46,425
Well, you said bring whatever I want.
I want her.
256
00:14:48,306 --> 00:14:50,299
- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?
257
00:14:50,475 --> 00:14:52,432
To put on panties.
258
00:14:56,648 --> 00:14:58,641
So, what do you do for a living, Jill?
259
00:14:58,817 --> 00:15:01,522
Well, I'm an actress,
but you know how it is.
260
00:15:01,695 --> 00:15:04,316
Once you turn 30, parts dry up.
261
00:15:04,489 --> 00:15:07,858
You think your parts are drying up now,
wait till you turn 50.
262
00:15:09,202 --> 00:15:12,536
Ah, don't worry, sweetie.
By the time you're 50, I'll be dead.
263
00:15:16,168 --> 00:15:18,326
So how long have you two
been dating?
264
00:15:18,503 --> 00:15:21,173
We're not dating.
We have an arrangement.
265
00:15:21,340 --> 00:15:22,419
Arrangement?
266
00:15:22,591 --> 00:15:26,174
Let him climb on top of me a couple
of times a month, and he pays my rent.
267
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:35,185
Four glorious months and counting.
268
00:15:36,688 --> 00:15:38,764
Russell, mind helping me
make margaritas?
269
00:15:38,982 --> 00:15:40,690
Oh, it'd be my pleasure.
270
00:15:41,193 --> 00:15:43,862
You know what's good on the rim
of a margarita?
271
00:15:44,029 --> 00:15:47,030
- Salt?
- Pharmaceutical cocaine.
272
00:15:47,532 --> 00:15:50,699
It's actually good around the rim
of anything.
273
00:15:51,703 --> 00:15:53,162
I'm only gonna ask this once.
274
00:15:53,330 --> 00:15:57,162
What did you think I meant when I invited
you to a dinner for my single mother?
275
00:15:57,876 --> 00:15:58,907
I don't know.
276
00:15:59,086 --> 00:16:03,035
When you came into the store, I was
higher than Mel Gibson on Passover.
277
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:09,548
I cannot believe you actually walked
in here with a smoking-hot 30-year-old.
278
00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:10,884
What's hard to believe?
279
00:16:11,056 --> 00:16:14,425
She's an out-of-work actress,
and I have money and drugs.
280
00:16:19,022 --> 00:16:22,225
I guess this isn't exactly
the birthday party you were hoping for.
281
00:16:22,401 --> 00:16:26,268
No, no, what every woman dreams of
is her sons fixing her up with a man...
282
00:16:26,446 --> 00:16:30,230
who arrives with a young,
hot arrangement.
283
00:16:32,536 --> 00:16:37,494
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
when he touches me, I wanna vomit.
284
00:16:37,666 --> 00:16:40,239
It actually does, thank you.
285
00:16:41,169 --> 00:16:42,747
It's funny you should say that.
286
00:16:42,921 --> 00:16:45,957
Um, my first wife, Judith,
towards the end of our marriage...
287
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,802
used to make this face
like she was gagging.
288
00:16:48,969 --> 00:16:50,167
Sort of a...
289
00:16:50,345 --> 00:16:52,254
No one cares, Alan.
290
00:16:54,975 --> 00:16:56,635
Now, Jill, listen to me.
291
00:16:57,102 --> 00:17:00,019
You still have time to make changes
in your life.
292
00:17:00,188 --> 00:17:04,435
You don't want to end up
old, used-up and alone like me.
293
00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:06,436
I'm always here for you, Mom.
294
00:17:09,156 --> 00:17:11,777
Like I said, make changes.
295
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:14,986
Okay, another margarita
for the birthday chiquita.
296
00:17:15,162 --> 00:17:17,071
Oh, hit me.
297
00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:21,830
Uh, Evelyn, I believe I owe you
an apology.
298
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:27,538
When Charlie invited me to dinner,
I had no idea that he was thinking...
299
00:17:27,716 --> 00:17:30,836
that you and I were
a potential couple.
300
00:17:31,845 --> 00:17:34,466
I mean, you're a handsome woman...
301
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:41,808
but my tastes run more
to baby veal.
302
00:17:43,690 --> 00:17:47,355
I understand. She's veal and I'm jerky.
303
00:17:47,986 --> 00:17:49,813
Good, so you get it.
304
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,699
Excuse me.
305
00:17:56,495 --> 00:17:59,116
Wow, that could've been awkward.
306
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,496
One of us should probably
go talk to her.
307
00:18:08,006 --> 00:18:10,248
I'll go talk to her.
308
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:16,379
I can't believe I'm hitting that.
309
00:18:17,891 --> 00:18:20,678
I can't believe I'm not hitting you.
310
00:18:25,357 --> 00:18:29,402
Wait, wait. You're opening
a drug rehab facility in Malibu?
311
00:18:30,404 --> 00:18:34,188
No. Not rehab. Prehab.
312
00:18:36,451 --> 00:18:38,029
- What the hell is that?
- Prehab?
313
00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:39,781
All right. Think about it.
314
00:18:39,955 --> 00:18:42,742
Rich celebrities will spend
$50,000 a month...
315
00:18:42,916 --> 00:18:46,202
to go someplace nice
where they won't do drugs.
316
00:18:46,378 --> 00:18:48,454
Imagine how much
they would spend...
317
00:18:48,672 --> 00:18:52,290
to go to a snazzy place on the beach
to do them.
318
00:18:55,470 --> 00:18:58,886
- What about the legal issues?
- What are you, a cop?
319
00:18:59,725 --> 00:19:02,298
- No.
- Then shut up.
320
00:19:03,228 --> 00:19:06,811
Hey, is it me, or have Mom and Jill
been gone for quite a while?
321
00:19:06,982 --> 00:19:09,224
Time is a very subjective thing,
Charlie.
322
00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:14,110
Especially when you're abusing
powerful antipsychotics.
323
00:19:19,077 --> 00:19:22,577
One of us should probably go check
and see if everything's okay.
324
00:19:27,836 --> 00:19:30,457
One of us should probably answer
that phone first.
325
00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:38,756
Mom?
326
00:19:45,771 --> 00:19:49,436
EVELYN: That tickles.
JILL: You started it.
327
00:19:49,608 --> 00:19:52,609
- Happy birthday.
EVELYN: Oh, Jill.
328
00:19:52,778 --> 00:19:53,940
JILL:
Oh, Evelyn.
329
00:19:54,112 --> 00:19:56,105
[JILL & EVELYN GIGGLING]
330
00:19:56,865 --> 00:19:58,324
On three?
331
00:19:58,492 --> 00:19:59,606
You wait till three.
332
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:12,461
I can't believe Mom ran off
with this idiot's girlfriend.
333
00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:15,466
I can't believe this idiot's still here.
334
00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:18,635
It's not that I can't hear you.
335
00:20:18,804 --> 00:20:22,422
It's that I'm busy talking
to Jim Morrison.
336
00:20:22,808 --> 00:20:24,634
Incredible.
337
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,518
Excuse me a minute, Jim.
338
00:20:27,688 --> 00:20:30,807
I don't wanna spook you fellas,
but I took a handful of Viagra...
339
00:20:30,982 --> 00:20:34,517
in anticipation of
a different kind of evening.
340
00:20:36,488 --> 00:20:37,863
[IN UNISON] Three.
341
00:20:47,165 --> 00:20:49,324
What are you looking at?
342
00:21:16,737 --> 00:21:18,813
[English - US - SDH]