1 00:00:02,671 --> 00:00:03,785 Swordfish looks good. 2 00:00:03,964 --> 00:00:06,716 You eat a lot of fish. Aren't you worried about mercury? 3 00:00:06,883 --> 00:00:09,588 Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me... 4 00:00:09,803 --> 00:00:12,341 mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure... 5 00:00:12,514 --> 00:00:15,183 struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. 6 00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:16,679 Guess which I'm rooting for. 7 00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:19,134 Is that Charles? 8 00:00:20,397 --> 00:00:22,639 Speaking of things I expect to kill me. 9 00:00:23,483 --> 00:00:25,523 What a lovely surprise. 10 00:00:25,694 --> 00:00:27,568 This is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle. 11 00:00:27,738 --> 00:00:29,814 It's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son. 12 00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:33,489 Yes, I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him. 13 00:00:34,745 --> 00:00:36,868 Before she kills, she likes to torture. 14 00:00:38,248 --> 00:00:40,157 So how did you two meet? 15 00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:42,326 Charlie asked me to look at his butt. 16 00:00:42,502 --> 00:00:43,783 Oh, smooth, Charlie. 17 00:00:43,962 --> 00:00:45,706 She's a dermatologist, Mom. 18 00:00:46,173 --> 00:00:47,371 Oh, a doctor? 19 00:00:48,425 --> 00:00:51,924 You have access to Charlie's medical records and still went out with him. 20 00:00:53,138 --> 00:00:55,131 Nice to see you. I don't wanna keep you... 21 00:00:55,349 --> 00:00:57,555 from whatever schmuck you're here to meet. 22 00:00:57,726 --> 00:00:59,802 Sorry I'm late, Mom. 23 00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,434 How about that? The poorest schmuck I know. 24 00:01:03,774 --> 00:01:06,312 Michelle, this is my brother Alan. Alan, Michelle. 25 00:01:06,485 --> 00:01:07,516 - Hi. - Nice to meet you. 26 00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,354 Would you like to join us? 27 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,901 - Sure. Heh. - How sweet. 28 00:01:13,075 --> 00:01:15,447 ALAN: Waiter? - I thought you liked me. 29 00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:50,482 Well, this is very pleasant. 30 00:01:51,029 --> 00:01:55,276 The last time I met Charlie's girlfriend I was picking glitter off my skin for a week. 31 00:01:56,535 --> 00:01:58,942 Oh, right, the, uh, 22-year-old pole dancer? 32 00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:00,829 [CHARLIE GRUNTS] 33 00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:02,196 Oh! Don't get the wrong idea. 34 00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:05,328 I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper. 35 00:02:05,502 --> 00:02:07,993 I can't imagine you stripping, for example. 36 00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:12,216 I mean, I can imagine it. 37 00:02:21,018 --> 00:02:22,891 So, what's the occasion for you two? 38 00:02:23,061 --> 00:02:25,386 No occasion. Can't a son invite his mom to lunch? 39 00:02:25,564 --> 00:02:28,814 - He needs money. - No, no. 40 00:02:28,984 --> 00:02:31,475 If you're looking to give I'm not gonna turn it down. 41 00:02:31,653 --> 00:02:37,027 You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag? 42 00:02:37,242 --> 00:02:40,409 Excuse me, 164. 43 00:02:41,079 --> 00:02:43,072 Really? That's the part you object to? 44 00:02:43,707 --> 00:02:45,581 You like to be called a 200-pound drunk? 45 00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:47,375 - One-eighty. - See? 46 00:02:48,003 --> 00:02:49,877 Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech. 47 00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:53,250 At least a leech doesn't miss his mother's birthday in a blackout. 48 00:02:53,425 --> 00:02:54,884 But when the lush wakes up... 49 00:02:55,052 --> 00:02:57,424 he can buy her a nice gift with his own money. 50 00:02:57,596 --> 00:02:59,505 He can, but he doesn't. 51 00:03:01,016 --> 00:03:04,100 - You wouldn't appreciate it. - Let's not start with appreciation. 52 00:03:04,269 --> 00:03:08,516 Did I ever get a thank you for bearing you and raising you all by myself? 53 00:03:09,191 --> 00:03:10,733 Thank you, Mommy. 54 00:03:11,526 --> 00:03:13,400 Give it a rest. I'll write you a check. 55 00:03:13,612 --> 00:03:15,189 Thank you, Mommy. 56 00:03:15,364 --> 00:03:16,395 [EVELYN SIGHS] 57 00:03:16,573 --> 00:03:18,198 Do you have children, Michelle? 58 00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:21,192 - I have a daughter. - Isn't that nice. 59 00:03:22,454 --> 00:03:23,948 She ripped your heart out yet? 60 00:03:24,956 --> 00:03:27,282 - Not quite. - Well, give her time. 61 00:03:27,459 --> 00:03:31,788 Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex. 62 00:03:33,632 --> 00:03:36,549 So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. 63 00:03:36,718 --> 00:03:40,052 You breaking up with me now, or prefer to wait till after lunch? 64 00:03:40,597 --> 00:03:44,725 I'll wait. I already ordered the soufflé and I understand it's very good here. 65 00:03:44,893 --> 00:03:48,642 Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny. 66 00:03:48,814 --> 00:03:52,432 So tell me, dear, why are you settling? 67 00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,655 Um, wait, wait, wait. 68 00:04:02,452 --> 00:04:04,741 - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. 69 00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:07,619 Have there been a lot of women in this bed? 70 00:04:08,792 --> 00:04:10,286 Uh... 71 00:04:11,962 --> 00:04:13,421 Actually in the bed? 72 00:04:14,673 --> 00:04:16,416 Fewer than you'd think. 73 00:04:16,591 --> 00:04:18,501 - Charlie. - Listen... 74 00:04:18,677 --> 00:04:22,176 I'm not gonna lie about who I am or where I've been. 75 00:04:22,347 --> 00:04:24,340 Don't ask unless you really wanna know. 76 00:04:27,686 --> 00:04:29,014 It doesn't matter. 77 00:04:29,187 --> 00:04:31,513 - The past is the past. - Agreed. 78 00:04:31,690 --> 00:04:35,141 - Let's work on the present. - Oh, goodie, I love presents. 79 00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:36,350 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 80 00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:37,691 JAKE: Uncle Charlie? 81 00:04:37,863 --> 00:04:39,108 Busy, Jake. 82 00:04:39,281 --> 00:04:41,688 JAKE: Oh, is Chelsea back? 83 00:04:44,536 --> 00:04:46,327 - No, Jake. JAKE: Mia? 84 00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:50,704 No. 85 00:04:50,917 --> 00:04:54,168 JAKE: The married stripper? Uh, what's her name? Betsy? 86 00:04:56,298 --> 00:04:58,705 - What do you need, Jake? JAKE: Can I borrow your car? 87 00:04:58,884 --> 00:05:02,134 No, you can't borrow my hundred thousand dollar Mercedes. 88 00:05:02,304 --> 00:05:03,383 JAKE: Okay. 89 00:05:04,431 --> 00:05:07,551 - Sorry about that. JAKE: It's not another hooker, is it? 90 00:05:10,937 --> 00:05:13,179 Excuse me. 91 00:05:16,860 --> 00:05:18,651 - Here's the keys. Go away. - Thank you. 92 00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:25,695 My nephew. Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron... 93 00:05:25,869 --> 00:05:28,442 but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius. 94 00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:36,497 - Hey, did you hear that noise last night? - What noise? 95 00:05:36,672 --> 00:05:40,206 Around 2 or 3:00 in the morning, I thought I heard a man crying. 96 00:05:41,510 --> 00:05:43,383 Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan. 97 00:05:44,096 --> 00:05:45,590 - It's nothing? - Yeah. 98 00:05:45,764 --> 00:05:48,172 He gets up in the middle of the night to pee... 99 00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:51,055 then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. 100 00:05:53,689 --> 00:05:55,099 Then he starts crying. 101 00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,858 Oh, my God, that's awful. 102 00:05:59,027 --> 00:06:02,396 It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore. 103 00:06:03,865 --> 00:06:07,910 Hey, sorry I'm late. I stopped off and did the shopping for the week. 104 00:06:11,039 --> 00:06:13,198 This is my housekeeper Berta. Berta, Michelle. 105 00:06:13,375 --> 00:06:15,284 - Hi. - Nice to meet you. 106 00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:17,786 - Planning a party? - Every afternoon at 2. 107 00:06:19,798 --> 00:06:21,043 [CHUCKLES] 108 00:06:21,216 --> 00:06:22,591 She's kidding. Right, Berta? 109 00:06:23,051 --> 00:06:25,625 Huh? Yeah. Sure, why not? 110 00:06:26,888 --> 00:06:31,100 Can I go and make your bed or are you just catching your breath and rinsing off? 111 00:06:34,271 --> 00:06:36,228 It's fine. We're gonna walk on the beach. 112 00:06:36,606 --> 00:06:38,231 Ha-ha-ha. Good one. 113 00:06:39,276 --> 00:06:40,307 Why is that funny? 114 00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:44,317 Last time this one was on the beach is because he fell off the deck. 115 00:06:46,116 --> 00:06:47,824 It wasn't his fault. He was drunk. 116 00:06:49,536 --> 00:06:50,911 I'll go make your bed. 117 00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:54,950 She seems nice. 118 00:06:55,584 --> 00:06:58,501 You think? She scares the crap out of me. 119 00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:01,745 - Well, why don't you get rid of her? - Oh, no, no, no. 120 00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:04,593 No, I could never fire her, I love her to death. 121 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,005 Interesting. 122 00:07:06,178 --> 00:07:09,297 So you love her and yet she scares you? 123 00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:12,640 Little window into old Charlie, huh? 124 00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,642 More like a garage door. 125 00:07:21,943 --> 00:07:24,019 Well, you've met my family... 126 00:07:24,196 --> 00:07:28,110 you know all about my past, my fondness for... 127 00:07:28,283 --> 00:07:29,528 things I'm fond of. 128 00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:34,032 - Uh-huh. - So why are you still here? 129 00:07:34,706 --> 00:07:38,158 Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist. Nobody our age comes without baggage. 130 00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:44,043 Well, yeah, but some people might think that my baggage is extra icky. 131 00:07:44,216 --> 00:07:46,339 - Extra icky? - That's actually a quote... 132 00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:48,170 from a former girlfriend. 133 00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:51,377 Well, I think that a mature relationship... 134 00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:54,178 has got to be based on honesty about our flaws. 135 00:07:54,351 --> 00:07:56,676 - You know my flaws. - Openness about our past. 136 00:07:56,853 --> 00:07:58,134 You know my past. 137 00:07:58,313 --> 00:07:59,973 And a willingness to forgive. 138 00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:01,559 I forgive you. 139 00:08:01,733 --> 00:08:03,393 [CHUCKLES] 140 00:08:05,153 --> 00:08:06,316 I really like you. 141 00:08:07,239 --> 00:08:08,484 I really like you too. 142 00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:12,989 ROSE: Hi, Charlie. 143 00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:19,240 There might be one more thing you should know. 144 00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,551 Rose, this is not a good time. 145 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,923 I just want to talk. Sorry, Michelle, this will only take a minute. 146 00:08:33,098 --> 00:08:35,091 - Do I know you? - Nope. 147 00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:36,809 Seriously, Rose, not now. 148 00:08:36,977 --> 00:08:39,100 How do you kno...? How does she know my name? 149 00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:41,478 - Long story. - Well, not really. 150 00:08:41,648 --> 00:08:43,937 Once you have a plate number the rest is cake. 151 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,569 Could you give us a minute? 152 00:08:46,737 --> 00:08:48,729 No, she's not going anywhere. 153 00:08:48,905 --> 00:08:50,281 Charlie, who is this woman? 154 00:08:50,449 --> 00:08:53,782 - Just a friend. - Oh, I'm more than a friend. We dated. 155 00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:59,121 - Just once, eight years ago. - You haven't seen her in eight years? 156 00:08:59,291 --> 00:09:01,996 - Well, no, no, no. Not exactly. - We stay in touch. 157 00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:04,790 - You stalk me. - Oh, please. 158 00:09:04,963 --> 00:09:07,632 Does a stalker babysit his nephew? 159 00:09:07,799 --> 00:09:09,673 Does a stalker sleep with his brother? 160 00:09:09,885 --> 00:09:12,008 Does a stalker's dad sleep with his mother... 161 00:09:12,179 --> 00:09:14,385 who you met at lunch the other day? 162 00:09:15,307 --> 00:09:16,766 Have you been following me? 163 00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:19,140 Not you. 164 00:09:19,311 --> 00:09:22,146 Okay, I'm a little freaked out here. I'm gonna go home. 165 00:09:22,314 --> 00:09:24,022 What? Why? 166 00:09:24,191 --> 00:09:26,148 Nice officially meeting you. 167 00:09:26,318 --> 00:09:28,441 Oh, come on, don't go. I'll get rid of her. 168 00:09:28,612 --> 00:09:31,696 No, no, no. No. Clearly you have lots to talk about. 169 00:09:31,907 --> 00:09:35,691 But what about all that stuff you said? Baggage, willingness to forgive? 170 00:09:35,911 --> 00:09:38,153 - Obviously I was wrong. - Michelle. 171 00:09:38,330 --> 00:09:39,705 No. Look, I could deal... 172 00:09:39,915 --> 00:09:42,322 with your mother, brother, nephew, housekeeper... 173 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,493 - Yeah, I know... - No, no, no. I'm not done. 174 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,709 Your drinking, your gambling, womanizing... 175 00:09:46,922 --> 00:09:49,128 but I am not putting up with your stalker. 176 00:09:50,425 --> 00:09:52,334 Really? That's where you draw the line? 177 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,552 Seems a little arbitrary. 178 00:09:56,431 --> 00:09:57,842 Goodbye, Charlie. 179 00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:02,514 I like her. She's feisty. 180 00:10:04,856 --> 00:10:07,478 That's it, Rose. This is the last straw. 181 00:10:07,651 --> 00:10:10,521 Really? That's where you draw the line? 182 00:10:10,696 --> 00:10:12,356 I really care about this woman. 183 00:10:12,531 --> 00:10:15,366 - I'm glad for you. - No, you're not. You never are. 184 00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:18,950 You do everything to come between me and any woman I'm serious about. 185 00:10:19,705 --> 00:10:23,038 - Is that what you think I'm doing? - Of course that's what I think. 186 00:10:23,208 --> 00:10:24,868 You just did it. 187 00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:28,495 You've been doing it for eight years and I'm sick of it. 188 00:10:28,672 --> 00:10:29,703 Now get out. 189 00:10:29,881 --> 00:10:33,333 Okay, but you should know that I didn't come over to ruin your date. 190 00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:37,045 - Really. Why did you come over? - To tell you that I'm getting married. 191 00:10:37,973 --> 00:10:39,847 I'm not marrying you, Rose. 192 00:10:43,061 --> 00:10:46,228 Not you, silly. Manfred. 193 00:10:46,398 --> 00:10:47,561 Manfred? 194 00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,809 He's wonderful. I can't wait for you to meet. 195 00:10:50,986 --> 00:10:53,987 Uh-huh. Have you met him yet? 196 00:10:56,783 --> 00:10:57,862 You don't believe me? 197 00:10:58,035 --> 00:10:59,445 Of course I don't believe you. 198 00:10:59,619 --> 00:11:02,027 All you've ever done is manipulate and deceive me. 199 00:11:02,914 --> 00:11:04,077 Fair point. 200 00:11:04,249 --> 00:11:05,874 But I am getting married. 201 00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:08,712 I wanted to let you know before you heard it somewhere. 202 00:11:09,588 --> 00:11:11,746 Where else would I hear it? 203 00:11:11,923 --> 00:11:14,628 Society page of The Crazy Bitch Gazette? 204 00:11:16,803 --> 00:11:18,760 Clearly it was a mistake coming over. 205 00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:21,089 No idea the news would hit you this hard. 206 00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:23,935 Yeah, I'm bowled over. 207 00:11:24,102 --> 00:11:27,269 I'm devastated, I can't imagine life without you. 208 00:11:27,439 --> 00:11:28,981 Goodbye. 209 00:11:29,149 --> 00:11:31,605 Last chance to kiss the bride. 210 00:11:36,323 --> 00:11:38,315 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 211 00:11:41,036 --> 00:11:42,067 What? 212 00:11:42,245 --> 00:11:44,950 I'm not sure how to get home from this side of the house. 213 00:11:56,843 --> 00:11:58,753 Hey, Michelle, it's me again. 214 00:11:58,929 --> 00:12:00,340 Sorry for all the messages. 215 00:12:00,555 --> 00:12:02,963 Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. Ha, ha. 216 00:12:03,975 --> 00:12:08,353 Anyway, again I am really sorry for all the craziness last night... 217 00:12:08,563 --> 00:12:11,185 but like you pointed out, everybody's got baggage. 218 00:12:11,358 --> 00:12:16,435 Unfortunately, one piece of mine needs to be sedated and institutionalized. 219 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,439 Okay. Call me. Kisses. 220 00:12:22,869 --> 00:12:24,779 Kisses? 221 00:12:25,664 --> 00:12:29,080 If I was any fruitier, I could open a Jamba Juice. 222 00:12:30,377 --> 00:12:33,378 Check it out. Rose's engagement announcement is in the paper. 223 00:12:34,589 --> 00:12:36,000 "Manfred Quinn"? 224 00:12:36,174 --> 00:12:38,844 Says he's an important figure in the fashion industry. 225 00:12:39,011 --> 00:12:40,505 No, I still don't buy it. 226 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:43,633 - What do you mean? It's in the paper. - Oh, grow up. 227 00:12:44,141 --> 00:12:46,976 Do you have any idea how many times I printed my obituary? 228 00:12:47,728 --> 00:12:48,807 Why would you do that? 229 00:12:49,354 --> 00:12:51,347 Lots of reasons. Gambling debts... 230 00:12:51,523 --> 00:12:54,607 angry husbands, sometimes just to get a little me time. 231 00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:57,726 Real or fake, I'm a little miffed I wasn't invited. 232 00:12:59,197 --> 00:13:01,902 How do you get invited to a fake wedding, Alan? 233 00:13:02,117 --> 00:13:04,525 With a fake invitation. 234 00:13:04,703 --> 00:13:06,577 Obviously. 235 00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:10,032 How come Rose only shows up when I'm in a good relationship? 236 00:13:10,208 --> 00:13:14,206 Where was she when I was dating the manic depressive Satanist. 237 00:13:14,379 --> 00:13:16,586 Or that chick with all the knives? 238 00:13:16,757 --> 00:13:18,880 Don't forget the pre-op life guard. 239 00:13:19,551 --> 00:13:21,211 Post-op. She was post-op. 240 00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:22,417 Really? 241 00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:26,053 I could've sworn I saw a bulge in that bikini bottom. 242 00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:30,604 The point is, it's like Rose has some kind of... 243 00:13:30,771 --> 00:13:33,392 sixth sense where she knows I'm about to be happy. 244 00:13:33,565 --> 00:13:36,601 Not a sixth sense. She follows you and watches your every move. 245 00:13:36,777 --> 00:13:39,564 All we know, the house is bugged and she's listening now. 246 00:13:39,738 --> 00:13:41,731 Hi, Rose. 247 00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:43,783 Yeah, well, if she is... 248 00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:45,742 she overplayed her hand this time. 249 00:13:46,787 --> 00:13:49,159 I'm not falling for this wedding crap. 250 00:13:49,873 --> 00:13:53,242 But just in case, shouldn't we get her a gift? 251 00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:55,960 - What? - [WHISPERING] They're having a sale... 252 00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:59,255 at Williams-Sonoma. Wanna go halvsies on a pepper mill? 253 00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:03,252 - [WHISPERING] I'm not going halvsies. - Okay. 254 00:14:03,428 --> 00:14:05,754 Okay. How about a ceramic cow-shaped creamer... 255 00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:08,089 handmade by the Pennsylvania Dutch? 256 00:14:08,975 --> 00:14:10,434 - No gifts. - Why not? 257 00:14:10,602 --> 00:14:12,262 Because there's no wedding. 258 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,596 [IN NORMAL VOICE] There's no wedding. 259 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,774 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You do what you want, Charlie. 260 00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:22,110 But I, Alan Harper, am gonna get Rose something really nice. 261 00:14:22,906 --> 00:14:26,986 Ooh, a set of faux walnut napkin rings, only 9.95. 262 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,278 Add to cart. Heh. 263 00:14:40,132 --> 00:14:41,590 - Surprise. - Not really. 264 00:14:41,758 --> 00:14:43,466 You called like 11 times. 265 00:14:45,137 --> 00:14:47,972 - These are for you. - Thank you. 266 00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:50,803 It doesn't change anything. 267 00:14:50,976 --> 00:14:52,850 Oh, come on, Michelle. 268 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,142 I can't help it if some one-night stand... 269 00:14:55,313 --> 00:14:57,353 from years ago is still obsessed with me. 270 00:14:57,941 --> 00:15:00,147 It's not about her, Charlie. It's about you. 271 00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:05,156 Okay, I can't help it if I'm so wonderful that she's still obsessed with me. 272 00:15:06,158 --> 00:15:08,827 - That's not what I meant. - Yeah, I didn't think so. 273 00:15:08,994 --> 00:15:11,117 The fact you have a relationship with her... 274 00:15:11,288 --> 00:15:14,039 after all this time tells me you have feelings for her. 275 00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,000 Okay, okay. Maybe we have developed some sort of friendship... 276 00:15:18,170 --> 00:15:20,874 but that doesn't change that on a very primal level... 277 00:15:21,048 --> 00:15:24,002 the woman scares the hell out of me. - Listen to yourself. 278 00:15:24,176 --> 00:15:27,841 What you said about your housekeeper. You love her, but you're scared of her. 279 00:15:28,013 --> 00:15:30,765 Having met your mother, I'm betting you're scared of her. 280 00:15:31,683 --> 00:15:34,518 Well, yeah, but I don't love her. 281 00:15:35,312 --> 00:15:36,343 Charlie. 282 00:15:36,521 --> 00:15:39,143 What are you trying to say? I'm in love with Rose? 283 00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:40,514 You tell me. 284 00:15:44,863 --> 00:15:46,143 Bye, Charlie. 285 00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:55,530 Okay, I do love Berta. 286 00:15:55,707 --> 00:15:58,910 I suppose I kind of love my mother. 287 00:15:59,086 --> 00:16:00,200 Oh, crap. 288 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:08,421 So today's the big day, huh? 289 00:16:08,595 --> 00:16:11,003 - What big day? - Rose's wedding. 290 00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,339 Oh, please, there's no wedding. 291 00:16:13,517 --> 00:16:16,268 - You sure about that? - Yeah, I'm sure. 292 00:16:16,436 --> 00:16:18,725 - But what if you're wrong? - What do you mean? 293 00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:20,937 I mean, would it make a difference to you... 294 00:16:21,108 --> 00:16:24,940 knowing that cute little face will never pop up over that railing again? 295 00:16:25,112 --> 00:16:28,362 That the one woman who's always loved you and been there for you... 296 00:16:28,532 --> 00:16:30,939 is forever out of reach? 297 00:16:32,202 --> 00:16:34,195 - Come on. - Where are we going? 298 00:16:34,371 --> 00:16:37,123 To the church. I'm gonna prove she's not getting married. 299 00:16:37,332 --> 00:16:38,613 Okay. 300 00:16:38,834 --> 00:16:40,707 Aren't we a little under-dressed? 301 00:16:40,877 --> 00:16:42,585 There's no wedding. 302 00:16:42,754 --> 00:16:45,079 Last chance to go halvsies on the napkin rings. 303 00:16:45,841 --> 00:16:47,086 There's no wedding. 304 00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:48,587 Only cost you 50 bucks. 305 00:16:56,226 --> 00:16:57,637 You see? No wedding. 306 00:16:58,603 --> 00:16:59,884 You got x-ray vision? 307 00:17:00,897 --> 00:17:02,771 Come on, I'll show you. 308 00:17:03,859 --> 00:17:04,938 ALAN: Just a heads up... 309 00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:08,561 if there's no wedding, you're getting napkin rings for Christmas. 310 00:17:10,449 --> 00:17:12,275 Go ahead, Alan, look. 311 00:17:12,451 --> 00:17:14,609 Tell me if you see a wedding. 312 00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:18,868 - I see a wedding. - What? 313 00:17:20,292 --> 00:17:22,450 PRIEST: The two persons present now come to be joined. 314 00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:25,576 Rose and Manfred, we are here to remember... 315 00:17:25,756 --> 00:17:27,084 My God. 316 00:17:28,425 --> 00:17:29,504 She's really doing it. 317 00:17:30,302 --> 00:17:31,464 Rose is getting married. 318 00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:33,179 It's not too late to stop it. 319 00:17:33,930 --> 00:17:36,137 Don't be ridiculous. 320 00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:37,464 It's way too late. 321 00:17:40,979 --> 00:17:44,597 Okay, $25 to split the gift, and I'm losing money. 322 00:17:44,775 --> 00:17:49,152 This man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony... 323 00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:53,319 let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 324 00:17:53,992 --> 00:17:55,985 And we're clear. 325 00:17:56,328 --> 00:17:58,534 Yep, that ought to do it. 326 00:17:58,705 --> 00:17:59,986 Thanks, Freddy. 327 00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:02,621 My pleasure. I guess. 328 00:18:16,181 --> 00:18:17,556 Unbelievable. 329 00:18:17,724 --> 00:18:20,678 Rose is actually married. 330 00:18:20,852 --> 00:18:23,178 Mrs. Manfred Quinn. 331 00:18:25,524 --> 00:18:27,433 I see it now. 332 00:18:27,651 --> 00:18:28,849 I love her. 333 00:18:29,027 --> 00:18:31,020 I've always loved her. 334 00:18:31,697 --> 00:18:33,440 I'm sorry. 335 00:18:33,865 --> 00:18:35,525 It's true what they say, Alan. 336 00:18:35,701 --> 00:18:38,536 You don't know what you've got till it's gone. 337 00:18:39,871 --> 00:18:41,116 You've still got me. 338 00:18:41,289 --> 00:18:44,160 You're not who they had in mind when they said it. 339 00:18:47,587 --> 00:18:49,794 I'll always love you, Rose. 340 00:18:53,885 --> 00:18:56,590 Mrs. Manny Quinn. 341 00:19:28,545 --> 00:19:30,621 [English - US - SDH]