1
00:00:02,838 --> 00:00:07,500
Gee, that's too bad, Jake.
A sore throat and a runny nose?
2
00:00:07,676 --> 00:00:12,338
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess you should
stay at your mom's this weekend.
3
00:00:13,598 --> 00:00:14,974
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
4
00:00:15,434 --> 00:00:18,803
Yeah. Yeah, feel better. Okay, bye-bye.
5
00:00:20,022 --> 00:00:21,682
- Jake's sick?
- No, he's lying.
6
00:00:21,857 --> 00:00:24,264
Probably has a party to go to
or something.
7
00:00:25,152 --> 00:00:26,610
- Or a hangover.
- Mm.
8
00:00:27,738 --> 00:00:29,481
Remember when he wanted
to be around?
9
00:00:29,656 --> 00:00:31,863
Remember when we
wanted to be around him?
10
00:00:32,534 --> 00:00:36,366
Hey, that's my son you're talking about.
But point taken.
11
00:00:37,664 --> 00:00:39,989
You're free for the weekend.
What are your plans?
12
00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:43,618
I don't know. Uh, just catch up on
my reading, take a walk on the beach.
13
00:00:43,795 --> 00:00:46,333
You know, a little me time.
What about you?
14
00:00:46,506 --> 00:00:49,507
Pretty much the same.
Except instead of reading and walking...
15
00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:51,716
I'm going on a date hoping to get laid.
16
00:00:53,263 --> 00:00:56,264
Now, uh, when you say date,
do you mean an actual date...
17
00:00:56,433 --> 00:00:59,268
or one of your $2500
"date experiences"?
18
00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,979
If I were paying $2500,
I wouldn't just be hoping to get laid.
19
00:01:03,148 --> 00:01:04,642
Mm.
20
00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:07,522
So you're back in the dating game.
21
00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,983
How'd you hook up? Was it a meet cute?
22
00:01:10,822 --> 00:01:13,609
- Meet cute?
- You know, like, uh... Like in the movies.
23
00:01:13,784 --> 00:01:17,698
She's carrying groceries and
you bump into her and she spills them.
24
00:01:17,871 --> 00:01:20,362
You try to help her pick them up
and you bonk heads.
25
00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:22,616
She's concerned she might
have a concussion.
26
00:01:22,793 --> 00:01:26,493
You tell her you're a doctor and keep up
the ruse until she's fallen in love.
27
00:01:26,672 --> 00:01:28,711
At which point you confess
that you're not.
28
00:01:28,882 --> 00:01:31,290
And she's furious
and never wants to talk to you.
29
00:01:31,468 --> 00:01:34,671
You go to her place of work
and make a complete fool of yourself...
30
00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:38,511
by declaring your love for her
during an important business meeting.
31
00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:42,468
Thankfully the meeting is with Japanese
bankers who find you charming.
32
00:01:42,646 --> 00:01:46,346
And they give her the big account after
which you scoop her into your arms...
33
00:01:46,525 --> 00:01:49,442
and ask her to marry you,
and you live happily ever after.
34
00:01:52,406 --> 00:01:54,197
In Portland.
35
00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:58,906
Um, no.
36
00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:02,824
She's a dermatologist who scooped
a precancerous mole off my ass.
37
00:02:03,959 --> 00:02:06,913
Oh. Well, that's cute too.
38
00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:08,711
What's her name? How old is she?
39
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,418
Her name is Michelle
and I'm guessing mid-30s.
40
00:02:11,591 --> 00:02:13,251
Oh, almost age appropriate.
41
00:02:14,261 --> 00:02:16,834
Oh! If I took a picture of a strange wart
on my toe...
42
00:02:17,014 --> 00:02:19,469
would you show it to her
and ask if it's normal?
43
00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:22,594
Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner.
44
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:26,520
Come on. She's a dermatologist
and I have a hideous growth on my foot.
45
00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,599
The hideous growth on your foot is you.
46
00:02:32,779 --> 00:02:37,322
You know what? I'll e-mail you a jpeg.
You'll know when the moment is right.
47
00:03:09,441 --> 00:03:11,480
- Hey, Alan. Listen...
- Hey. Hey. Hey!
48
00:03:11,651 --> 00:03:12,896
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
49
00:03:17,032 --> 00:03:19,357
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
50
00:03:19,951 --> 00:03:22,869
Right. Having a little me time.
51
00:03:23,663 --> 00:03:25,870
Wasn't little until you came in.
52
00:03:28,335 --> 00:03:30,327
- What do you want?
- In case I get lucky...
53
00:03:30,504 --> 00:03:32,876
and this girl comes back,
make yourself scarce.
54
00:03:33,048 --> 00:03:36,381
- No problem.
- I don't wanna see you or your wart.
55
00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:38,343
- Got it.
- Good.
56
00:03:39,721 --> 00:03:42,046
Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls. Com.
57
00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,551
- Pudding girls?
- Trust me.
58
00:03:48,021 --> 00:03:53,228
MalibuPuddingGirls. Com.
59
00:03:54,152 --> 00:03:56,857
Oh. Yikes.
60
00:03:58,907 --> 00:04:00,698
- Right here?
- That's great.
61
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:07,246
How's your tush?
62
00:04:07,416 --> 00:04:09,989
Fine. How are your boobs?
63
00:04:10,711 --> 00:04:13,415
I meant, how is it feeling
since I took the mole off?
64
00:04:13,588 --> 00:04:17,088
- Oh. A little tender, but still functional.
- That's good.
65
00:04:17,259 --> 00:04:18,919
- It's not fair, though.
- What?
66
00:04:19,094 --> 00:04:21,051
You've seen mine, I haven't seen yours.
67
00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:26,389
That's true, isn't it? We're going to have
to figure out a way for you to get even.
68
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,095
- Okay, show me your ass.
- You're terrible.
69
00:04:32,024 --> 00:04:34,146
How are you at those trivia questions?
70
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,275
Well, let's see.
71
00:04:37,029 --> 00:04:40,729
"Which TV shows jump-started
these movie stars' film careers?"
72
00:04:40,907 --> 00:04:42,283
Okay.
73
00:04:42,451 --> 00:04:44,408
"George Clooney." ER.
74
00:04:44,578 --> 00:04:46,617
Nice.
75
00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:49,825
"Leonardo DiCaprio." Growing Pains.
76
00:04:50,042 --> 00:04:53,161
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah, the last season.
77
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:56,460
"John Travolta."
78
00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:57,794
Um...
79
00:04:57,966 --> 00:04:59,460
Welcome Back, Kotter.
80
00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:01,508
- Good memory.
- How could I forget?
81
00:05:01,678 --> 00:05:03,635
It was my favorite show in high school.
82
00:05:05,349 --> 00:05:08,682
You mean it was your favorite show
set in high school, right?
83
00:05:08,852 --> 00:05:13,146
Oh, no, no. In 10th grade
I had a giant crush on Travolta.
84
00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:15,984
But wasn't that show on in,
like, the '70s?
85
00:05:16,151 --> 00:05:17,645
Yeah.
86
00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:21,603
So you were in high school in the '70s?
87
00:05:21,782 --> 00:05:23,110
Uh-huh.
88
00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:27,703
Were you like really, really smart
and skipped a bunch of grades?
89
00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,371
Uh-uh.
90
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,160
I'm 47, Charlie.
91
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,045
Oh, okay.
I wasn't even thinking about that.
92
00:05:37,214 --> 00:05:39,705
Really? What were you thinking about?
93
00:05:40,175 --> 00:05:41,455
Uh...
94
00:05:41,635 --> 00:05:44,340
You know, the Scientology thing
with Travolta and Cruise.
95
00:05:44,513 --> 00:05:47,348
- What's that all about?
- How old are you?
96
00:05:47,516 --> 00:05:49,888
You know how old I am.
I filled it out on my form.
97
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:54,473
You are not 36 Charlie.
Even your mole was older than that.
98
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,483
Did I write 36?
99
00:05:57,651 --> 00:05:59,394
I meant 40.
100
00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:01,856
Two.
101
00:06:02,698 --> 00:06:04,690
Three.
102
00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,610
So I'm out with a younger man.
103
00:06:09,121 --> 00:06:11,030
Sexy.
104
00:06:11,331 --> 00:06:14,498
Yeah. Cool.
105
00:06:16,712 --> 00:06:18,538
Do you want to come in
for some coffee?
106
00:06:18,714 --> 00:06:21,750
Oh, gee, I'd love to, but, um...
107
00:06:22,551 --> 00:06:23,630
But what?
108
00:06:24,011 --> 00:06:26,584
This isn't something I normally say
on a first date...
109
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,637
but my left ass cheek is throbbing.
110
00:06:29,391 --> 00:06:32,345
Oh, you poor baby.
Do you want me to take a look at it?
111
00:06:32,519 --> 00:06:34,677
No, no, that would just be a pity peek.
112
00:06:36,064 --> 00:06:39,729
I'm... I'm... I'm sure it's fine,
but I... I should go.
113
00:06:40,235 --> 00:06:43,438
Okay. I suppose you'll call me...
114
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:46,905
if you want to get together again.
- Absolutely, I will.
115
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:49,360
BOTH:
Goodnight.
116
00:06:50,954 --> 00:06:53,659
- You've got my number, right?
- Indeed I do.
117
00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:00,788
Forty-seven.
118
00:07:04,551 --> 00:07:07,256
- Hey. Hey. Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
119
00:07:10,182 --> 00:07:13,099
- Alan, again?
- It's not what it looks like.
120
00:07:13,268 --> 00:07:15,759
Hey, I get it. You're bored, you're lonely.
121
00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:19,057
You can't afford a hooker.
But come on, keep it in your room.
122
00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:22,317
Okay, in my defense,
I wasn't expecting you home till later.
123
00:07:22,486 --> 00:07:26,614
Plus, it felt a little naughtier out here.
You know, in public.
124
00:07:26,782 --> 00:07:30,447
You want naughty? Go yank it on
the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium.
125
00:07:30,619 --> 00:07:34,830
Oh, clever. Ha, ha.
Seventh inning stretch.
126
00:07:35,957 --> 00:07:38,627
You realize
I now have to burn the couch.
127
00:07:39,127 --> 00:07:42,792
Well, if you're gonna do that, you might
wanna burn the deck chair too.
128
00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:44,751
Oh, God, Alan.
129
00:07:44,925 --> 00:07:47,131
- So how was your evening?
- Fine.
130
00:07:47,302 --> 00:07:49,295
I thought you were
bringing her back here.
131
00:07:49,471 --> 00:07:51,962
And yet, you were twanging
your magic clanger...
132
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,299
right in the middle of the living room.
133
00:07:54,476 --> 00:07:59,138
I lost track of time. Sue me.
So, what went wrong with your date?
134
00:07:59,314 --> 00:08:03,941
Nothing went wrong. She's terrific,
she's beautiful, she's smart.
135
00:08:04,111 --> 00:08:07,028
- But?
- She's 47.
136
00:08:08,490 --> 00:08:11,444
- You said she was in her mid-30s.
- That's what I thought.
137
00:08:11,618 --> 00:08:15,486
Apparently dermatologists know how
to take really good care of their skin.
138
00:08:17,541 --> 00:08:19,035
Or she's a witch.
139
00:08:20,127 --> 00:08:23,792
I don't understand. You liked her when
you thought she was 35. What changed?
140
00:08:23,964 --> 00:08:26,003
I found out she's 47.
141
00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:31,631
- Oh, come on, 47's just a number.
- A big number. A scary number.
142
00:08:31,805 --> 00:08:34,676
Are you really that superficial,
vain and shallow?
143
00:08:34,850 --> 00:08:37,388
Yes, yes and yes.
144
00:08:37,561 --> 00:08:39,019
The deepest thing about me...
145
00:08:39,187 --> 00:08:42,022
is a little pit on my ass
where a mole used to be.
146
00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:46,852
- But fish can swim in shallow water.
- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
147
00:08:47,029 --> 00:08:49,317
I don't know, I'm a little dehydrated.
148
00:08:50,115 --> 00:08:52,902
What I'm trying to say
is that it's silly to throw away...
149
00:08:53,076 --> 00:08:56,030
a promising relationship
based on an arbitrary number.
150
00:08:56,204 --> 00:09:00,202
It's not arbitrary. She's really 47.
151
00:09:00,375 --> 00:09:03,827
Forty-seven!
That's like 10 years older than me.
152
00:09:05,589 --> 00:09:07,747
Why do you do that?
153
00:09:07,924 --> 00:09:11,839
I'm your brother.
I know exactly how old you are.
154
00:09:13,055 --> 00:09:17,004
The minute I found out she was older, I
started looking at her in a different way.
155
00:09:17,184 --> 00:09:20,553
- And what way is that?
- Like she's a woman who...
156
00:09:20,729 --> 00:09:25,557
when I'm 52, she'll be 60.
- You'll be 56.
157
00:09:26,401 --> 00:09:28,608
What are you, the math police?
158
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:33,815
- You know what this is about, don't you?
- Yeah, when I'm 58, she'll be 70.
159
00:09:34,368 --> 00:09:37,618
- You're really gonna keep doing this?
- I can't help myself.
160
00:09:37,829 --> 00:09:40,237
Look at it this way. When she's 70...
161
00:09:40,415 --> 00:09:42,906
you're likely to have been dead
for 10 years.
162
00:09:44,711 --> 00:09:47,249
Actually that does
make me feel a little better.
163
00:09:47,839 --> 00:09:49,464
I'll tell you one thing, Charlie.
164
00:09:49,633 --> 00:09:52,468
I would give anything
to find someone I enjoy being with...
165
00:09:52,636 --> 00:09:55,756
who's close to my own age
and who I can really connect with.
166
00:09:56,348 --> 00:09:58,257
Look no further, Alan.
167
00:09:58,433 --> 00:10:00,260
You've found her.
168
00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:10,357
You do get me, don't you?
169
00:10:12,239 --> 00:10:16,486
I gotta be honest with you, I didn't think
I was ever gonna hear from you again.
170
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:19,910
- Why would you think that?
- I don't know, the age thing.
171
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,618
Oh, come on, that's just a number.
172
00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:25,116
I like you, I'm attracted to you.
173
00:10:25,293 --> 00:10:27,784
Plus, there's no way
anybody looks at you and thinks:
174
00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:30,335
- "This is a 47-year-old woman."
- Thank you.
175
00:10:30,507 --> 00:10:33,793
- We're only as old as we feel, right?
- Right.
176
00:10:33,969 --> 00:10:38,963
So I say, for all intents and purposes,
you and I are a couple of 35 year olds.
177
00:10:39,641 --> 00:10:41,515
Agreed. We're 35.
178
00:10:43,812 --> 00:10:45,140
Hey, Mom.
179
00:10:48,984 --> 00:10:53,278
That's my daughter.
For all intents and purposes, she's 8.
180
00:11:01,079 --> 00:11:02,823
Shauna, this is Charlie.
181
00:11:02,998 --> 00:11:05,915
Sorry to interrupt. I came to pick up
my snowboard stuff.
182
00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:07,413
- Why?
- What do you mean, why?
183
00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,625
- I'm going to Mammoth for a few days.
- With?
184
00:11:09,838 --> 00:11:12,294
- What do you care?
- I'm your mother.
185
00:11:12,466 --> 00:11:14,838
- Should I go?
- No, no. It's fine.
186
00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:17,845
- Who are you going with?
- His name's Jeremy. You happy?
187
00:11:18,013 --> 00:11:21,133
- Jeremy? What happened to Sarah?
- Sarah and I broke up.
188
00:11:22,309 --> 00:11:24,882
- [MOUTHING] Sarah?
MICHELLE: When were you gonna tell?
189
00:11:25,062 --> 00:11:28,181
Mom, I'm 20 years old, my personal
life is none of your business.
190
00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:31,690
- [MOUTHING] Twenty?
- As long as you're my daughter...
191
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:34,066
it's my business.
Tell me about Jeremy.
192
00:11:34,237 --> 00:11:37,523
What's to tell? He's a nice guy.
He's Sarah's roommate.
193
00:11:37,699 --> 00:11:41,364
Wait, you broke up with Sarah so
you could hook up with her roommate?
194
00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:43,695
No, no, we were all hooking up together.
195
00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,992
But then Sarah got all weird,
even though it was her idea.
196
00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:50,210
Don't you just hate that?
197
00:11:54,675 --> 00:11:56,667
The three of you had sex together?
198
00:11:56,885 --> 00:11:59,458
You said I should
explore all my options in life.
199
00:11:59,638 --> 00:12:03,137
I was talking about grad school,
not threesomes.
200
00:12:03,308 --> 00:12:07,520
- I'm so sorry you have to hear this.
- No, it's fine. Pretend I'm not here.
201
00:12:09,940 --> 00:12:12,775
- I need to borrow money.
- How do you expect to pay me back?
202
00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:14,022
I still have a job.
203
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:17,444
A webcam in your bathroom
and a PayPal account is not a job.
204
00:12:18,115 --> 00:12:19,395
[GROANS]
205
00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:21,984
I admit it's not making much money.
206
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,367
But that's because
there's so much free porn.
207
00:12:24,538 --> 00:12:26,577
She's got a point.
208
00:12:26,748 --> 00:12:29,156
The whole pay-to-peek industry is dying.
209
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:30,959
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
210
00:12:31,128 --> 00:12:33,832
And if I could just throw in
my two cents here.
211
00:12:34,006 --> 00:12:37,873
Your daughter's at that time in her life
where she's gotta make her own choices.
212
00:12:38,051 --> 00:12:41,171
Doesn't matter if they're right or wrong.
Either way she learns.
213
00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:44,383
- But I'm just trying to protect her.
- You can't protect her.
214
00:12:44,558 --> 00:12:47,559
All you can do is love her
and be there for her no matter what.
215
00:12:47,728 --> 00:12:51,061
I am there for her. You know that, right?
216
00:12:51,231 --> 00:12:52,809
Yeah, I do.
217
00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:55,518
Come here.
218
00:12:58,530 --> 00:12:59,775
[GROANS]
219
00:13:01,116 --> 00:13:02,824
- What?
- I should go.
220
00:13:02,993 --> 00:13:05,069
- Oh, no, no. It's okay.
- Really, I gotta go.
221
00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:06,905
Have this time with your daughter.
222
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,536
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely. I'll call you tomorrow.
223
00:13:09,708 --> 00:13:12,662
- Nice to meet you, Shauna.
- Nice to meet you too.
224
00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:18,123
It's wrong, it's wrong, it's so wrong.
225
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,458
Oh, what the hell?
226
00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:24,633
Let's try ShaunaShower. Com.
227
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,063
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
228
00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:58,501
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Hey, hey...! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
229
00:14:00,759 --> 00:14:03,511
- It's not what it looks like.
- Well, that's a relief.
230
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,463
It looks like you were masturbating
to mariachi music in your car.
231
00:14:07,641 --> 00:14:10,346
What do you want? I only get AM radio.
232
00:14:14,022 --> 00:14:16,692
CHARLIE: Alan?
- In here.
233
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,692
CHARLIE:
Is it safe?
234
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:21,768
Yes.
235
00:14:32,249 --> 00:14:34,040
We cool here?
236
00:14:36,545 --> 00:14:38,621
Yes. Relax.
237
00:14:40,966 --> 00:14:43,671
You do realize
you have a serious problem.
238
00:14:43,844 --> 00:14:47,047
- It's not my fault.
- Really? Whose fault is it?
239
00:14:47,222 --> 00:14:49,131
Big pharma.
240
00:14:50,559 --> 00:14:51,804
Who the hell's big pharma?
241
00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:56,390
You know, pharmaceutical companies
that make boner pills that last 36 hours.
242
00:14:57,399 --> 00:15:00,602
- You took a boner pill?
- I had to. The pills were about to expire.
243
00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:03,362
But you didn't have a woman.
244
00:15:03,572 --> 00:15:05,814
Hence the constant masturbation.
245
00:15:06,408 --> 00:15:08,282
You know how expensive
those things are.
246
00:15:08,452 --> 00:15:10,575
I'm simply trying
to get my money's worth.
247
00:15:11,997 --> 00:15:15,580
So this non-stop whack-a-thon
is just because you're cheap?
248
00:15:15,751 --> 00:15:17,874
And horny.
249
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:21,089
- And nuts.
- Semantics.
250
00:15:22,382 --> 00:15:25,419
- Why the car?
- You said not in the living room.
251
00:15:26,762 --> 00:15:28,304
Did I say "in the car"?
252
00:15:28,472 --> 00:15:32,339
Well, I didn't plan it. I... I was gonna go
to the movies and I got distracted.
253
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:35,727
What could possibly distract you
from driving out of the garage?
254
00:15:35,896 --> 00:15:39,146
Think about it.
Slipping the key into the hole.
255
00:15:42,027 --> 00:15:47,614
Gently turning it, pumping the gas
until the engine starts purring.
256
00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:51,358
I'm thinking about it
and I'm still going with nuts.
257
00:15:52,329 --> 00:15:55,283
Unlike you, I did not have female
companionship tonight.
258
00:15:55,457 --> 00:15:58,209
- Well, as it turns out, neither did I.
- Hmm. What happened?
259
00:15:59,419 --> 00:16:01,957
You really expect me
to share my personal problems...
260
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:04,206
with a self-abusing zoo monkey?
261
00:16:05,509 --> 00:16:07,834
Who else you got?
262
00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:10,502
[SIGHS]
263
00:16:10,681 --> 00:16:11,795
Right, here's the deal.
264
00:16:11,973 --> 00:16:14,974
I went back determined
to take the age thing off the table.
265
00:16:15,143 --> 00:16:16,519
Good for you. Very mature.
266
00:16:16,687 --> 00:16:18,809
It was great until her daughter walks in.
267
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:23,109
- She has a daughter?
- Not just a daughter, Alan.
268
00:16:23,276 --> 00:16:25,946
A 20-year-old daughter.
A gorgeous daughter.
269
00:16:26,154 --> 00:16:28,728
A bisexual daughter.
270
00:16:28,907 --> 00:16:31,908
Summing up: A 20-year-old,
gorgeous, bisexual daughter.
271
00:16:32,911 --> 00:16:34,322
Got it. What did you do?
272
00:16:34,496 --> 00:16:37,034
- What could I? I got the hell out of there.
- Why?
273
00:16:37,207 --> 00:16:39,449
What do you mean, why? You know me.
274
00:16:39,626 --> 00:16:41,785
If I continue a relationship
with Michelle...
275
00:16:41,962 --> 00:16:44,631
at some point I'm gonna try
to nail her daughter.
276
00:16:45,966 --> 00:16:47,923
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
277
00:16:48,093 --> 00:16:52,506
But as sure as your speedometer could
use a Handi-Wipe, it will happen.
278
00:16:53,557 --> 00:16:56,890
- So you're breaking up with Michelle?
- I have to.
279
00:16:57,060 --> 00:16:58,602
Then you hit on the daughter?
280
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:01,475
No, no. No. I'm getting away
from both of them.
281
00:17:01,690 --> 00:17:04,691
It's better to hurt Michelle a little now
than a lot later.
282
00:17:05,027 --> 00:17:07,731
Oh. Well, color me impressed.
283
00:17:09,197 --> 00:17:12,032
You're making a decision
that's considerate and selfless.
284
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,735
Putting aside, of course, the fact
that the motivation for the decision...
285
00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:19,281
is sordid and despicable.
- Thank you.
286
00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:22,542
Seriously though,
the daughter is unbelievable.
287
00:17:22,711 --> 00:17:25,166
She has some kind of porn site
on the Internet.
288
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:27,130
Really?
289
00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:32,880
Apparently there's a webcam
in her bathroom.
290
00:17:33,722 --> 00:17:36,592
Can you imagine a 20-year-old co-ed...
291
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:40,349
in the shower, with her girlfriend,
soaping each other up?
292
00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:48,060
Something to ponder.
293
00:17:49,071 --> 00:17:50,731
Excuse me.
294
00:18:00,874 --> 00:18:02,285
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
295
00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:13,255
Actually, not a bad idea.
296
00:18:18,725 --> 00:18:20,517
ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
297
00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:24,979
BERTA: Oh, jeez, Zippy.
What are you doing with the pudding?
298
00:18:27,818 --> 00:18:29,976
Well, I guess I appreciate your honesty.
299
00:18:31,363 --> 00:18:33,984
It wouldn't be fair
to start a relationship with you...
300
00:18:34,157 --> 00:18:36,364
knowing I'm still not over Chelsea.
301
00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:39,489
No, it's understandable.
She was your fiancée.
302
00:18:39,663 --> 00:18:43,032
I've tried to stop thinking about her,
and I can't.
303
00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:45,450
I like you too much
to risk our relationship...
304
00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:48,961
being some kind of a rebound thing.
- All right.
305
00:18:49,131 --> 00:18:52,665
- I guess I just have to accept that.
- Thank you.
306
00:18:54,428 --> 00:18:56,634
BOTH:
Bye.
307
00:18:58,306 --> 00:19:01,722
You know what, Jeremy?
Just go to hell, you're a childish jerk.
308
00:19:01,893 --> 00:19:03,767
Oh, hey.
309
00:19:03,937 --> 00:19:05,218
You okay?
310
00:19:05,397 --> 00:19:09,229
I guess. I just thought this guy
was something he's not.
311
00:19:09,401 --> 00:19:13,185
Well, he's young, you know,
women mature faster than boys.
312
00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:15,985
That is so true.
313
00:19:17,159 --> 00:19:19,863
Have you considered
dating someone a little older?
314
00:19:20,037 --> 00:19:23,702
I tried that once, it was disgusting.
315
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,907
- Really?
- The guy was almost 35.
316
00:19:28,086 --> 00:19:31,253
It was like
sleeping with my grandfather.
317
00:19:32,341 --> 00:19:34,796
- No kidding.
- He could only do it twice in a row...
318
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:37,542
before he needed to take a nap.
319
00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,388
Uh-huh.
320
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,929
Excuse me.
321
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:45,517
Hey, Michelle, good news.
I think I'm over Chelsea.
322
00:19:56,031 --> 00:19:57,525
ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!
323
00:19:57,699 --> 00:20:00,190
It's not what it looks like.
324
00:20:02,913 --> 00:20:05,664
So you feel like going again?
325
00:20:06,291 --> 00:20:09,707
Sure. I just need, you know,
a little nap first.
326
00:20:09,878 --> 00:20:13,543
Oh, jeez, Charlie. What are you gonna
be like when you're my age?
327
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,382
- Ouch.
- I'm kidding. Come here.
328
00:20:19,304 --> 00:20:20,679
[PHONE RINGS]
329
00:20:21,556 --> 00:20:23,216
Hang on.
330
00:20:25,894 --> 00:20:27,803
What do you want, Alan?
331
00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:34,223
Arrested? For what? Oh, Alan.
332
00:20:34,403 --> 00:20:36,276
What was the movie?
333
00:20:36,446 --> 00:20:39,483
You're right, it doesn't matter.
Okay, I'm on my way.
334
00:20:40,575 --> 00:20:43,363
- Where you going?
- Nowhere.
335
00:20:43,537 --> 00:20:44,568
[CHUCKLES]
336
00:21:11,606 --> 00:21:13,682
[English - US - SDH]