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JAKE:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:
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- Alan?
- Lyndsey and I...
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have decided to live together.
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End of an era, huh, Charlie?
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From now on, no brother, no nephew...
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just the sounds of the ocean...
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punctuated by the soft voices
of prostitutes...
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lying about the enormity
of my sexual organ.
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Alan, dinner's on the table.
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I, uh, noticed this old pipe
on the mantel. It's a beauty.
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It was my grandfather's.
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Wow. They don't make them
like this anymore.
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So now that he's gone, what are you
gonna do with that empty room?
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- Uh, why do you ask?
- I was just thinking...
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it might be nice to spend the
occasional weekend here on the beach.
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From now on, this house is your home.
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Do you smell something burning?
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Whew. What a day.
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Who could've seen this one coming?
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Oh, please. After seven years,
I finally move out of your house...
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and within two days,
I burn my new home down.
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You can't write this stuff.
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I could if I used your skin for paper
and your blood for ink.
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As soon as we get the insurance money
and repair the fire damage...
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Lyndsey and the boys and I
will be out of your hair for good.
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Unless, of course,
you burn her house down again.
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[LAUGHS]
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Funny. See, that's what we need
at times like this, laughter.
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[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]
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I'm gonna take that as laughter.
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Trust me, Eldridge is a great kid
and you're gonna love Lyndsey.
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If you can open up your mind a little,
you will really enjoy having them here.
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LYNDSEY:
Damn it, Eldridge.
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Why would you try to flush
a washcloth down the toilet?
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Not enjoying it yet, Alan.
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- Charlie, you got a mop?
- Laundry room.
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- Thank you.
- Uh, need any help, sweetie?
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No, but if I need my house
burned down again, I'll let you know.
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See? She is keeping
a sense of humor about it.
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You've ruined my entire life,
you know that?
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You're right, I like her.
We've got a lot in common.
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What do you want me to tell you?
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If you wanna see your son,
you're gonna have to come to Malibu.
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Grow up. You think I planned
to have the house burn down?
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It was an accident.
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It was, you know.
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LYNDSEY:
Drop dead.
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Whew. I'd say
she's a little miffed with your dad.
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- I'd say she wants to tear him a new one.
- Hey, watch your language.
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- What'd I say?
- "New one."
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Mm. Honey? Honey?
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Uh, just a little heads up, um,
the boys could hear you out there.
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I don't give a rat's ass
what they can hear.
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His father's a jerk and
you burned down my freaking house.
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Our house.
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Dear God, stop talking.
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Oh, damn.
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Hey, Berta.
Bet you're surprised to see me back.
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It's my own fault. I let myself believe.
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Want you to meet my girlfriend, Lyndsey.
Uh, and this is her son, Eldridge.
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They're gonna be staying with us
for a while.
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What'd he do? Burn down your house?
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[LAUGHS]
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It was an accident.
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Hello, everyone. I hope you all slept well.
If there's anything I can do...
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to make your stay more comfortable,
please be sure to tell me.
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- Thank you, Charlie, that's so...
- Uh, he doesn't mean it.
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- Hey, Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah?
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You miss me?
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He missed me.
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Honestly, I don't see
why you can't live here.
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You're kidding, right? There's no roof.
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So wear a hat.
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My great grandmother's candlesticks.
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Oh, Lyndsey, I'm sorry.
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She smuggled these out of Denmark
when the Nazis invaded.
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Really? Where'd she hide them?
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- Charlie, don't go there.
- Like I'm the only one?
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Look at the bright side. Even though
we've lost some material items...
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the important thing is we're all safe
and we've still got each other. Right?
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You're making my skin crawl.
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Hey, guys? Smile.
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It's for your Christmas card.
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- My stuff is wrecked.
- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
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Sorry isn't gonna bring back
my guitar or my Xbox...
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or the history paper due tomorrow
that I totally had finished.
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Where's Eldridge? He's drying out
his weed in the backyard.
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Weed?
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Wii. Nintendo Wii.
I better go help him.
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I could use a little Wii right now.
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Is this my Armani jacket?
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Oh, yeah, you know, I don't know
how that got in with my things.
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I was gonna bring it back.
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But now that you're here, why don't you
just take it with you? Saves me the trip.
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You know what? Happy birthday.
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Not much of a birthday present.
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HERB: Ding dong.
- Hi, neighbor.
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- We saw your cars out front.
- Hey, Judith. Incredible, huh?
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Wow. This place is a wreck.
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But still livable.
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What are you gonna do?
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Until the place gets fixed up,
we're staying in Malibu with Charlie.
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Really? All of you. At Charlie's.
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- What are you smiling about?
- You know what I'm smiling about.
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Well, I hope the repairs go quickly
so we get you back here real soon.
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Thanks.
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I'm gonna miss your friendly face every
morning when I'm getting the paper.
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- Every morning?
- Our, uh, schedules synch up...
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when I'm doing my power walk.
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Power walk?
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- What are you smiling about?
- You know what I'm smiling about.
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ALAN:
Hey.
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My pipe survived. It's like a miracle.
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Filthy habit.
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Oh, look, look, look.
The Towering Inferno is on.
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No?
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Oh. Stephen King's Firestarter.
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No? All right.
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How about Blazing Saddles?
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Too soon?
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You guys are no fun.
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I'm gonna call a hooker.
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Charlie, there's two young boys
in the house.
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- Let them get their own hookers.
- Charlie, for God's sake...
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Don't worry. I'm a responsible uncle.
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- That's nice to know.
- I promise I'll get a quiet prostitute.
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Believe it or not,
that's a real concession on his part.
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Where is my phone?
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Oh, right, I must have left it
in the charred...
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but still very livable remains
of your house.
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Which he burned down.
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You're gonna go over there now?
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My hooker numbers are in that phone.
Unless you wanna have sex with me...
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for a thousand dollars an hour,
I need the phone.
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You don't really think he'd give me
a thousand dollars an hour?
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If I were you,
I'd get the money up-front.
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Ah.
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There we are.
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[SINGS]
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...
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Hookers.
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Hookers, hookers, hookers.
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Looking for a quiet hooker.
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Ah. There we go, Silent Betty.
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MAN:
Not a lot of coverage in here.
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- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
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You're right.
Let's just stay mysterious strangers.
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This used to be my house, you know.
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- You're the ex-husband?
- Chris MacElroy.
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- Charlie Harper.
- Alan's brother?
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I don't usually admit it, but yeah.
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What are you doing here, Chris?
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I wanted to see what the damage was
and just, you know, sit here.
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Try and figure out
where it all went wrong.
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What'd you come up with?
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I probably shouldn't have banged
the babysitter.
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Yeah, that can do it.
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I did a babysitter once.
My mom was furious.
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Wouldn't drive her home
and absolutely refused to pay her.
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- Want a drink?
- Sure, why not?
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To babysitters.
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[CHRIS CHUCKLES]
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Is this a private party
or can anyone join?
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[CHUCKLING]
Hey, Herb. Come on in.
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Hey, Chris. Long time no see.
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00:10:07,442 --> 00:10:09,482
Likewise. Grab a seat, have a drink.
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Oh, gee, I don't know. I, uh, told Judith
I was taking out the garbage.
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What the heck,
didn't say where I was taking it.
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So you two guys know each other?
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Are you kidding? Chris is a legend
in this neighborhood.
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- What was she, like, uh, 19?
- Twenty-two.
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Nevertheless,
quite an accomplishment.
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Ah. Hey, is she still babysitting?
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We're looking for somebody. Everybody
Judith interviews is fat and ugly.
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Take it from me, Herb,
you're better off with fat and ugly.
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Oh, I hardly think so.
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You'd really be willing to risk your
marriage over a cute, young babysitter?
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I certainly wouldn't risk it
over a fat, ugly one.
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Can't argue with that.
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I made us a snacky snack.
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Swell.
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Uh, we have onion dip and cool ranch.
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Always good to have a choice of dips.
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And I chose you.
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Zing.
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[CHUCKLING]
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- What are you doing?
- Just getting comfy.
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Snuggling up
on the world's best pillow.
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Mm.
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[FARTS]
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That was an accident, right?
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00:11:39,785 --> 00:11:41,409
Sure.
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Let's call it an accident.
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00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:47,533
- Hey, can you take me back to Mom's?
- Why?
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00:11:47,751 --> 00:11:50,752
Eldridge is being a tool. Whoa!
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00:11:52,381 --> 00:11:54,420
- Dad.
- It wasn't me, it was...
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00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,587
Yeah, I'll take you back
to your mom's.
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- Hey, Alan?
- What?
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00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,589
Try not to burn down her house.
199
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:06,977
Yeah, ha-ha. You might wanna light
some matches while I'm gone.
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00:12:11,983 --> 00:12:13,857
So, Chris,
what are you up to these days?
201
00:12:14,027 --> 00:12:17,942
Not a lot. After Lyndsey threw me out,
I lost my job, started drinking heavily...
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00:12:18,115 --> 00:12:20,522
and I just found out
I have a lump on my groin.
203
00:12:21,827 --> 00:12:23,451
Bad place for a lump.
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00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:27,119
- Tell me a good place.
- Somebody else's groin.
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00:12:31,294 --> 00:12:32,872
Touché.
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00:12:34,131 --> 00:12:37,796
Boy, you make one mistake
and you pay for it the rest of your life.
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00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:39,592
You only did the babysitter once?
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00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:44,679
No, that was two years, morning, noon
and night, but I count it as one mistake.
209
00:12:46,309 --> 00:12:48,598
Maybe that's where he got the lump.
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00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:50,976
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
211
00:12:51,148 --> 00:12:52,606
Did somebody order a pizza?
212
00:12:52,816 --> 00:12:55,936
Hey, it's my favorite pizza boy.
213
00:12:56,111 --> 00:12:58,104
I'm 38 years old.
I have high blood pressure...
214
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,652
and alimony payments.
- You got a lump on your groin?
215
00:13:00,824 --> 00:13:02,449
- No.
- Then don't complain.
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00:13:04,411 --> 00:13:05,609
So, what are you doing here?
217
00:13:05,829 --> 00:13:08,616
Having a lonely drink
in memory of our hopes and dreams...
218
00:13:08,832 --> 00:13:10,326
that are now dead and buried.
219
00:13:10,917 --> 00:13:12,376
Ah.
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00:13:13,462 --> 00:13:15,122
I'm in.
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00:13:19,051 --> 00:13:21,720
If it's all the same to you,
I'm gonna stay with Mom for a while.
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00:13:21,887 --> 00:13:22,918
[ALAN SIGHS]
223
00:13:23,096 --> 00:13:26,382
Come on, Jake, I know it's been a little
rocky lately but things will work out.
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00:13:26,558 --> 00:13:29,559
Yeah, well, when they do, call me.
225
00:13:30,228 --> 00:13:31,888
- Hey, Mom.
- What are you doing here?
226
00:13:32,064 --> 00:13:33,344
What is he doing here?
227
00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:35,765
He wasn't getting along
with Lyndsey's son.
228
00:13:35,942 --> 00:13:38,516
Maybe because Lyndsey's son
is a degenerate pothead.
229
00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:41,233
He's not so bad.
He's just made some bad choices.
230
00:13:41,406 --> 00:13:43,399
So did his mom.
231
00:13:45,702 --> 00:13:49,367
Yeah, well, you made
the same bad choice she did.
232
00:13:49,831 --> 00:13:51,112
Ha-ha.
233
00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:53,744
[LAUGHTER NEARBY]
234
00:13:57,756 --> 00:13:59,832
So Alan's like, I don't know,
5, 6 years old...
235
00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:02,630
and I walk in his bedroom
and he's in there with the dog.
236
00:14:02,803 --> 00:14:06,847
And I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no. Are you crazy? Stop that."
237
00:14:07,015 --> 00:14:08,296
And he says, "What?"
238
00:14:08,475 --> 00:14:12,010
I say, "Alan, the dog is supposed
to lick the peanut butter off you."
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00:14:12,229 --> 00:14:13,723
[ALL LAUGH]
240
00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:19,269
To this day I can't eat peanut butter.
241
00:14:19,903 --> 00:14:23,604
- Hello?
- Hey, we were just talking about you.
242
00:14:24,574 --> 00:14:27,112
- All good I hope.
- Oh, yeah, it was good.
243
00:14:27,327 --> 00:14:28,738
[CHUCKLING]
244
00:14:29,121 --> 00:14:32,205
- So, what's going on?
- Just having a drink with a few friends.
245
00:14:32,416 --> 00:14:34,159
Chris, I believe
you know my brother.
246
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:37,620
The man who's banging your wife
and burned down your house.
247
00:14:38,130 --> 00:14:39,707
[MOUTHS] Hi.
248
00:14:41,091 --> 00:14:42,170
Pull up a chair...
249
00:14:42,342 --> 00:14:45,711
have a drink with your girlfriend's ex
and your wife's new husband.
250
00:14:47,431 --> 00:14:51,131
I just brought the pizza. I don't think
I've slept with anyone you know.
251
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:53,226
Okay.
252
00:14:55,063 --> 00:14:57,103
Hey, you know what I just realized?
253
00:14:57,274 --> 00:15:00,310
You three guys
have all slept with each other.
254
00:15:00,485 --> 00:15:02,359
- What?
- With all due respect, Charlie...
255
00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,940
I think I'd remember that.
256
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:08,694
No, no, no, think about it. They say that
when you have sex with someone...
257
00:15:08,869 --> 00:15:12,285
you're basically having sex with
everyone they've ever had sex with.
258
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:16,870
Oh. Then I guess you and I have done
the dirty deed.
259
00:15:17,711 --> 00:15:20,284
Because of Judith,
not the peanut-butter dog.
260
00:15:24,509 --> 00:15:27,344
- You told them?
- I tell everybody.
261
00:15:27,512 --> 00:15:29,304
[HERB AND CHARLIE CHUCKLE]
262
00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:32,676
Wait. So Herb has slept with Alan...
263
00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:35,603
and Alan has slept with Chris,
which means that...
264
00:15:35,771 --> 00:15:37,313
I've slept with Lyndsey.
265
00:15:38,065 --> 00:15:40,223
Yes.
266
00:15:46,698 --> 00:15:48,276
[FARTS]
267
00:15:49,743 --> 00:15:51,652
[PHONE RINGS]
268
00:15:53,497 --> 00:15:57,079
- Hello?
- How could you sleep with Herb?
269
00:15:57,250 --> 00:16:00,204
Alan, is that you? Who's Herb?
Where are you?
270
00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:02,003
I'm in our house.
271
00:16:02,172 --> 00:16:03,370
What are you doing there?
272
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:06,964
Because there's nowhere else for me
to go because you won't forgive me.
273
00:16:07,135 --> 00:16:09,045
Why won't you forgive me?
274
00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:13,511
- You're drunk.
- Yeah, well, you farted at me.
275
00:16:14,101 --> 00:16:16,010
Goodbye, Alan.
276
00:16:16,561 --> 00:16:18,353
Where's Jake?
277
00:16:18,522 --> 00:16:20,929
He left hours ago
to get away from you.
278
00:16:21,108 --> 00:16:24,025
- Where's Alan?
- He left to get away from me.
279
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:28,607
Where's what's-his-name?
The guy who owns the house?
280
00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:32,194
He left to get away from all of us.
281
00:16:34,579 --> 00:16:37,035
Hey, this is working out
pretty good, huh?
282
00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:41,866
You know, I envy you guys.
283
00:16:42,045 --> 00:16:44,536
You've all been married, have kids.
284
00:16:44,715 --> 00:16:48,249
Yeah, it didn't end well,
but for a moment in time...
285
00:16:48,427 --> 00:16:52,341
each and every one of you experienced
what it is to have a family.
286
00:16:52,556 --> 00:16:55,925
To give and receive
unconditional love.
287
00:16:56,101 --> 00:16:57,725
My marriage isn't over.
288
00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:02,473
Dude, you've been taking out
the garbage for two and a half hours.
289
00:17:04,985 --> 00:17:07,939
I said it wasn't over,
I didn't say it was good.
290
00:17:09,781 --> 00:17:11,940
Really, Charlie, you envy us?
291
00:17:12,117 --> 00:17:15,153
Oh, come on, look at me.
What do I have?
292
00:17:15,328 --> 00:17:20,405
A big house on the beach, more
money than I know what to do with...
293
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:25,829
and a cell phone full of candid video
of me having uninhibited sex...
294
00:17:26,006 --> 00:17:29,589
with beautiful women whose names
I don't remember.
295
00:17:30,218 --> 00:17:31,843
[CHUCKLES]
296
00:17:34,389 --> 00:17:36,797
[WHISPERS]
I don't think he envies us at all.
297
00:17:37,684 --> 00:17:39,807
Good catch, Herb.
298
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,931
I gotta go pee.
299
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:46,435
- Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.
- I know where it is, I used to live here.
300
00:17:46,610 --> 00:17:48,318
Right, right.
301
00:17:48,487 --> 00:17:50,230
That's a classy guy.
302
00:17:50,405 --> 00:17:53,739
Using the toilet in a house
with no plumbing.
303
00:17:54,743 --> 00:17:56,985
- Where have you been going?
- Refrigerator.
304
00:17:58,789 --> 00:18:00,532
I filled the vegetable crisper.
305
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:05,826
See, that's what I love about you,
Charlie. You're a maverick.
306
00:18:06,004 --> 00:18:09,005
I gotta start being
more "maverickyky."
307
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:11,756
JUDITH [NEARBY]:
Herb, where the hell are you?
308
00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:13,801
Maybe tomorrow.
309
00:18:16,264 --> 00:18:20,476
Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess
what we figured out about you and me.
310
00:18:20,644 --> 00:18:21,806
JUDITH:
Herb!
311
00:18:21,978 --> 00:18:23,638
See you soon.
312
00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:27,147
Alan, let's go home.
313
00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:30,484
- You came to get me?
- Yeah.
314
00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:33,441
- You forgive me?
- Well, I thought about it and...
315
00:18:33,657 --> 00:18:35,317
CHRIS:
Hey, Lyndsey.
316
00:18:35,492 --> 00:18:37,900
Chris? What are you doing here?
317
00:18:38,537 --> 00:18:42,914
Well, I came to see the damage
and I just started thinking about us.
318
00:18:43,083 --> 00:18:44,743
What an idiot I was.
319
00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:46,705
You were, you know.
320
00:18:46,878 --> 00:18:50,710
- I'd give anything to start over.
- Really?
321
00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:54,711
Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about
to forgive me?
322
00:18:55,595 --> 00:18:58,265
Can we go out some place
and have a cup of coffee...
323
00:18:58,432 --> 00:18:59,677
and, maybe, just talk?
324
00:18:59,933 --> 00:19:00,964
[FAKE COUGHING]
325
00:19:01,143 --> 00:19:02,685
Babysitter.
326
00:19:05,522 --> 00:19:08,227
Well, I guess there's nothing wrong
with talking.
327
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,733
That's great. I can't tell you how much
I've missed you and Eldridge.
328
00:19:11,903 --> 00:19:14,394
He really needs a father, Chris.
329
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:17,112
Uh, so I'll see you
back at the house, right?
330
00:19:19,995 --> 00:19:23,115
She left her kid there,
she's gotta come back.
331
00:19:23,290 --> 00:19:25,199
Would you come back for that kid?
332
00:19:27,461 --> 00:19:29,584
She's never coming back.
333
00:19:30,922 --> 00:19:32,714
[GORDON MUMBLES]
334
00:19:39,806 --> 00:19:41,846
You know who
you remind me of, Alan?
335
00:19:42,017 --> 00:19:44,590
- Job.
- Job from the Bible?
336
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:47,225
How many Jobs you know?
337
00:19:47,397 --> 00:19:50,184
Job. The guy God punishes
just for laughs.
338
00:19:50,776 --> 00:19:52,852
God punishes Job to test his faith.
339
00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:54,605
Still funny.
340
00:19:55,614 --> 00:19:59,362
- Ugh. What time is it?
- A little after midnight.
341
00:19:59,576 --> 00:20:00,655
[WHINES]
342
00:20:00,827 --> 00:20:03,532
So much for that 30-minute guarantee.
343
00:20:04,331 --> 00:20:05,362
Goodnight, fellas.
344
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,292
- Goodnight, Gordon.
- Goodnight, Gordon.
345
00:20:10,796 --> 00:20:14,129
So I guess it's just you and me, huh?
346
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:19,131
Two guys sitting alone
in a burned-out house.
347
00:20:19,304 --> 00:20:20,882
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
348
00:20:21,848 --> 00:20:25,015
Hey, Silent Betty. You made it.
349
00:20:25,894 --> 00:20:27,887
See you, Alan.
350
00:20:30,941 --> 00:20:34,559
Sure, half and half sounds good.
351
00:20:40,909 --> 00:20:42,284
Huh.
352
00:20:43,036 --> 00:20:45,195
Maybe I am like Job.
353
00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:50,617
But I am not gonna lose my faith.
354
00:20:50,794 --> 00:20:52,787
[THUNDER CRASHING]
355
00:21:01,638 --> 00:21:03,512
Crap.
356
00:21:31,168 --> 00:21:33,244
[English - US - SDH]