1
00:00:08,468 --> 00:00:10,128
Sorry.
2
00:00:12,723 --> 00:00:14,514
It's okay, Alan.
3
00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:17,304
I don't have to have an orgasm
every time we make love.
4
00:00:17,477 --> 00:00:20,229
I did my best.
It's just that my sinuses are blocked...
5
00:00:20,397 --> 00:00:22,271
and I needed my mouth
for breathing.
6
00:00:22,441 --> 00:00:25,857
Don't worry about it. You were great.
A for effort.
7
00:00:26,028 --> 00:00:29,728
Yeah. But on my report card,
it's still gonna say, "Incomplete."
8
00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:32,658
Don't dwell on that.
Let's just enjoy being together.
9
00:00:32,826 --> 00:00:36,444
Mm! I am enjoying it. Ooh, thirsty.
10
00:00:36,955 --> 00:00:38,449
I need to tell you something.
11
00:00:38,623 --> 00:00:39,786
Uh-huh.
12
00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:42,247
I think I love you, Alan Harper.
13
00:00:43,253 --> 00:00:45,080
[COUGHING]
14
00:00:45,505 --> 00:00:46,964
Did it go down the wrong way?
15
00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:49,125
Yeah, that seems to be
the theme of the evening.
16
00:00:49,301 --> 00:00:51,459
[CLEARING THROAT]
17
00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:56,549
Are you gonna leave me hanging?
18
00:00:56,725 --> 00:00:59,595
You said it was okay.
You told me to stop.
19
00:00:59,770 --> 00:01:02,973
You know what I mean.
I just told you I love you.
20
00:01:03,148 --> 00:01:07,276
Oh! Oh, that. Oh, uh, well, you know,
I mean, it goes without saying...
21
00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:09,152
that I feel the same way.
22
00:01:09,321 --> 00:01:12,856
- Then say it.
- Pfft. Okay. Pfft.
23
00:01:13,033 --> 00:01:14,313
I love you, Lyndsey.
24
00:01:16,203 --> 00:01:17,234
Why?
25
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:22,531
- Why?
- What do you love about me?
26
00:01:23,502 --> 00:01:27,499
Oh, well, what's not to love?
I mean, you know, you're beautiful...
27
00:01:27,673 --> 00:01:33,094
and strong, and smart, and sexy.
28
00:01:33,679 --> 00:01:35,173
Uh-huh.
29
00:01:36,556 --> 00:01:38,679
Uh, confident. Um...
30
00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:40,677
Loyal.
31
00:01:40,852 --> 00:01:41,884
Thrifty.
32
00:01:44,231 --> 00:01:45,511
Clean.
33
00:01:45,691 --> 00:01:47,268
Yeah?
34
00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,601
Persistent.
35
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:54,362
- Why do you love me?
- I don't know. I just do.
36
00:01:55,784 --> 00:01:58,192
That's not fair.
Why'd I get the essay question?
37
00:02:01,248 --> 00:02:03,371
I think you should move in.
38
00:02:05,085 --> 00:02:06,413
Ugh.
39
00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:09,955
- You want me to move in here?
- Why not? We love each other.
40
00:02:10,757 --> 00:02:13,628
Plus, our sons get along.
They can walk to school from here.
41
00:02:13,802 --> 00:02:15,759
Jake's mom lives
just down the street...
42
00:02:15,929 --> 00:02:18,764
and there's plenty of room for him
here on weekends.
43
00:02:18,932 --> 00:02:21,553
- You've been giving this a lot of thought.
- I have.
44
00:02:21,727 --> 00:02:24,727
Is that why I got an incomplete?
Because you were distracted?
45
00:02:24,896 --> 00:02:26,059
No.
46
00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:28,977
Oh.
47
00:02:29,151 --> 00:02:31,606
Can you think of any reasons
why we shouldn't live together?
48
00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:34,186
Uh, no. Not off the top of my head...
49
00:02:34,364 --> 00:02:36,571
which you were staring at
for quite a while.
50
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:38,734
[LAUGHING]
51
00:02:42,122 --> 00:02:45,325
I don't wanna back you into a corner.
Why don't you think about it?
52
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:47,872
Yeah. Why don't I sit with it
for a day or two?
53
00:02:48,045 --> 00:02:50,536
And you can think about
why you love me. Heh.
54
00:02:50,714 --> 00:02:52,089
Okay.
55
00:02:52,257 --> 00:02:54,001
- Ha, ha.
- Mm.
56
00:02:54,176 --> 00:02:57,592
Oh. Aw, I guess I should be
getting home soon.
57
00:02:57,763 --> 00:03:00,170
- If you lived here, you'd be home already.
- Ha.
58
00:03:00,349 --> 00:03:01,380
That's true.
59
00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:04,049
It's funny, uh, I always see
those signs on the freeway:
60
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,267
"If you lived here,
you'd be home already."
61
00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:09,011
You know, I can't help but think
if I lived there...
62
00:03:09,191 --> 00:03:11,064
I'd have a sign
outside my window...
63
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,642
ruining my perfectly good view
of the freeway.
64
00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:17,939
And if you lived next to the freeway,
you wouldn't be getting this.
65
00:03:18,909 --> 00:03:22,823
Mm-mm. Hang on.
Just wet the old whistle.
66
00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:26,198
My mouth.
I'm talking about my mouth.
67
00:03:37,052 --> 00:03:38,083
Yeah, hi.
68
00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:40,931
I'm watching your commercial
"Cash4Gold."
69
00:03:42,099 --> 00:03:45,598
And you just showed a woman
selling her wedding ring for $500.
70
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:49,104
No, I don't wanna sell gold,
I wanna meet that woman.
71
00:03:50,107 --> 00:03:52,942
She's hot, and we know
her marriage isn't working out.
72
00:03:53,777 --> 00:03:55,816
- Hey.
- Call you back.
73
00:03:59,574 --> 00:04:03,240
- You got any gold in your teeth?
- A little. Why?
74
00:04:03,787 --> 00:04:05,115
Just thinking.
75
00:04:07,457 --> 00:04:09,783
Lyndsey told me
she loves me tonight.
76
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,788
- Really? What'd you say?
- Well, what could I say? "I love you too."
77
00:04:15,424 --> 00:04:19,291
- Do you love her?
- Yeah, sure. What's not to love?
78
00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:22,174
Oh, I don't know.
Her mood swings...
79
00:04:22,347 --> 00:04:25,597
her idiot teenage son,
and the fact that you need...
80
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:29,136
a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine
and a jackhammer to get her off.
81
00:04:32,149 --> 00:04:34,984
Hey, I told you about that
in confidence.
82
00:04:36,653 --> 00:04:37,816
Who else is here?
83
00:04:40,157 --> 00:04:42,030
The same two people know.
84
00:04:42,951 --> 00:04:45,656
All right, well, let's keep it that way.
85
00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:48,830
She also said
she wants me to move in with her.
86
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:52,327
Is that forever
or just till you get her off?
87
00:04:54,171 --> 00:04:55,369
- Charlie...
- You're right.
88
00:04:55,547 --> 00:04:57,872
That's a distinction
without a difference.
89
00:04:58,050 --> 00:04:59,508
Are you listening to me?
90
00:04:59,676 --> 00:05:03,010
Lyndsey said she wants me
to move out of here and in with her.
91
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:07,013
Oh, you were serious?
92
00:05:07,184 --> 00:05:10,802
Well, that's great. Congratulations.
When are you leaving?
93
00:05:11,688 --> 00:05:13,811
I don't know.
I told her I'd think about it.
94
00:05:13,982 --> 00:05:17,517
What's to think about? She's a terrific
gal, and she can make you happy.
95
00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,236
- But you just said...
- Oh, please.
96
00:05:19,404 --> 00:05:21,693
That was just me cracking wise.
97
00:05:22,657 --> 00:05:24,734
Everybody's got a little baggage.
98
00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:28,030
I drink
and try to mouth-kiss hookers.
99
00:05:29,998 --> 00:05:31,576
You, you're cheap, annoying...
100
00:05:31,792 --> 00:05:34,995
and no one likes you.
- Lyndsey likes me.
101
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:37,328
Which is why
you should move in with her.
102
00:05:37,506 --> 00:05:39,878
But this is my home.
I'm comfortable here.
103
00:05:40,050 --> 00:05:42,043
No, no, no. This is my home.
104
00:05:43,804 --> 00:05:46,923
And before you moved into it,
I was comfortable here.
105
00:05:47,683 --> 00:05:50,387
Now, now. You always say that,
but you don't mean it.
106
00:05:50,894 --> 00:05:54,345
Well, yes, I do.
Why won't you ever believe me?
107
00:05:54,523 --> 00:05:58,355
After all these years, you're saying
you wouldn't miss me if I was gone?
108
00:05:58,735 --> 00:06:02,021
I'm saying I'd very much like
the chance to find out.
109
00:06:02,739 --> 00:06:06,239
- Please, Alan, give me that chance.
- No, I don't think so.
110
00:06:06,410 --> 00:06:08,698
My relationship with Lyndsey
is fine the way it is.
111
00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:11,077
I can come and go as I please.
I have my own space.
112
00:06:11,248 --> 00:06:13,620
No, no, no. No.
No, you have my space.
113
00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:17,086
Also a distinction
without a difference.
114
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:21,753
- So that's it? You're not leaving?
- Like I said, I'm comfortable here.
115
00:06:22,843 --> 00:06:27,339
Comfortable, huh?
Okay, my path is clear.
116
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:31,762
Ooh.
117
00:06:32,561 --> 00:06:34,767
I can grow tomatoes upside down.
118
00:06:43,989 --> 00:06:45,020
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
119
00:06:45,782 --> 00:06:47,609
Hey. You awake?
120
00:06:47,784 --> 00:06:51,864
- No, I can keep going.
- Alan. Alan.
121
00:06:52,581 --> 00:06:56,744
- Mm. Oh, hi. What's up?
- I need a favor.
122
00:06:56,918 --> 00:06:58,496
Okay, sure. What is it?
123
00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:01,833
I got this girl upstairs,
and I need you to take care of her bird.
124
00:07:02,424 --> 00:07:06,801
Okay, when you say "bird,"
what exactly is it you're referring to?
125
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:09,461
Get your mind out of the gutter.
126
00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:14,305
Her bird. Here.
127
00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,176
Guess what his name is.
128
00:07:17,314 --> 00:07:21,394
- Mothra?
- Larry. Larry Bird?
129
00:07:23,445 --> 00:07:26,150
Get it? This chick's from Boston.
130
00:07:26,323 --> 00:07:29,906
Anyway, I'd put him in the living room,
but Larry didn't like to be alone.
131
00:07:30,452 --> 00:07:33,785
- Okay, I guess.
- Thanks.
132
00:07:33,955 --> 00:07:36,114
Oh, yeah.
Don't put your hands near his face.
133
00:07:36,291 --> 00:07:39,126
And if you get up to pee,
make sure you close the bathroom door.
134
00:07:39,294 --> 00:07:40,539
- Why?
- I don't know.
135
00:07:40,712 --> 00:07:44,413
He's got this thing about penises.
He thinks they're big worms.
136
00:07:45,676 --> 00:07:47,170
Or L.A. Lakers. Good night.
137
00:07:50,222 --> 00:07:51,930
Good night.
138
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,853
LARRY:
Caw! Spank me.
139
00:08:07,072 --> 00:08:10,986
- What?
- I'm a bad girl. Spank me.
140
00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:14,073
Oh, for God's sake.
141
00:08:14,246 --> 00:08:16,322
Too big, too big.
142
00:08:16,957 --> 00:08:19,080
All right. All right, Larry.
Go to sleep.
143
00:08:19,251 --> 00:08:22,869
That's it, baby. Oh, yeah.
You're the best.
144
00:08:25,549 --> 00:08:27,837
Damn it.
145
00:08:34,349 --> 00:08:35,380
[SPLASHING]
146
00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,892
[SQUAWKING]
147
00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:42,147
ALAN:
Not a worm! Not a worm! Aah! Agh!
148
00:08:43,692 --> 00:08:45,601
[BOTH LAUGHING]
149
00:08:46,069 --> 00:08:48,904
And let me tell you, it wasn't easy
finding a hooker with a big bird.
150
00:08:49,072 --> 00:08:52,239
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Snakes, no problem. They all got snakes.
151
00:08:52,409 --> 00:08:54,485
Shh! Shh, shh! Here he comes.
152
00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:04,081
Thanks again for watching Larry.
153
00:09:05,881 --> 00:09:09,001
I'd say, "Bite me,"
but that's been taken care of.
154
00:09:12,054 --> 00:09:14,758
Hey, I'm sorry
if that made you uncomfortable...
155
00:09:14,931 --> 00:09:17,601
but from time to time,
I do entertain women in this house.
156
00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:21,433
That thing tried to re-circumcise me.
157
00:09:22,439 --> 00:09:24,930
Maybe that's why
they call it a cockatoo.
158
00:09:27,778 --> 00:09:30,447
I know what you're doing.
It's not gonna work.
159
00:09:30,614 --> 00:09:32,903
Whatever are you talking about?
160
00:09:33,075 --> 00:09:36,241
I tell you I'm not moving in
with Lyndsey because I'm comfortable.
161
00:09:36,411 --> 00:09:40,243
Three hours later, you put
a giant penis-eating parrot in my room.
162
00:09:41,792 --> 00:09:43,915
And you think there's a connection?
163
00:09:44,753 --> 00:09:46,580
Yes, I think there's a connection.
164
00:09:51,301 --> 00:09:55,429
Damn it. How do you get a guy to leave
your house who doesn't wanna go?
165
00:09:55,597 --> 00:09:58,800
Tell him you missed your period
and you're out of pot.
166
00:10:00,769 --> 00:10:03,141
Always worked for me.
167
00:10:06,233 --> 00:10:08,142
[HUMMING]
168
00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:11,652
CHARLIE: Hey, Alan,
how are you with the Jumble?
169
00:10:13,115 --> 00:10:15,356
Charlie. What are you doing in here?
170
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:18,281
Right now, the Jumble.
171
00:10:19,496 --> 00:10:21,453
"O-L-C-U-D."
172
00:10:21,998 --> 00:10:23,623
"Cloud."
173
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:25,792
"Cloud." Thank you.
174
00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:28,000
What are you doing in my bathroom?
175
00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:30,709
Not much yet,
but I have high hopes.
176
00:10:32,342 --> 00:10:34,549
Come on, Charlie, this is ridiculous.
177
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,839
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I making you uncomfortable?
178
00:10:38,015 --> 00:10:40,054
Not enough to make me
move in with Lyndsey.
179
00:10:40,225 --> 00:10:41,719
Okay.
180
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,234
How about now?
181
00:10:57,159 --> 00:11:00,907
Bottom line. What would it take to
make you wanna move in with Lyndsey?
182
00:11:01,121 --> 00:11:04,241
There is no circumstance
where I would entertain leaving Malibu...
183
00:11:04,416 --> 00:11:05,661
and moving in with Lyndsey.
184
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,032
[DOORBELL RINGS]
185
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:10,876
Next time you drop the soap,
I'm gonna forget you're my brother.
186
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,509
Jake, your father's here!
187
00:11:14,676 --> 00:11:18,010
- Hello, Alan. Charlie, how's it going?
- Great.
188
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:21,346
Did you hear Lyndsey MacElroy
invited Alan to move in with her?
189
00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:25,514
- What? She lives right down the street.
- You and Alan would be neighbors.
190
00:11:25,687 --> 00:11:29,270
- I didn't say I was gonna do it.
- You bet your ass you're not gonna do it.
191
00:11:29,441 --> 00:11:32,062
I will not have my ex-husband
living down the street.
192
00:11:32,235 --> 00:11:34,561
You're saying
that would make you uncomfortable?
193
00:11:34,738 --> 00:11:36,944
Uncomfortable?
It would drive me crazy.
194
00:11:37,157 --> 00:11:40,360
Jake, damn it, get a move on!
195
00:11:40,535 --> 00:11:42,078
I'm moving in with Lyndsey.
196
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,951
How's the pizza?
197
00:11:51,129 --> 00:11:52,458
- Awesome.
JAKE: Great.
198
00:11:52,631 --> 00:11:56,629
It's a new takeout place.
A little more expensive, but it's worth it.
199
00:11:56,802 --> 00:11:59,209
And for dessert
we have red-velvet cupcakes.
200
00:11:59,388 --> 00:12:02,507
- Oh, man, those are my favorite.
- Hang on, Eldridge.
201
00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:06,136
Something's wrong here.
202
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:11,430
Are you sending us to military school?
203
00:12:11,608 --> 00:12:13,767
- No. Why would you think that?
- Of course not.
204
00:12:13,944 --> 00:12:16,435
Sixteen years of bargain pizza
with fake cheese...
205
00:12:16,613 --> 00:12:19,899
and Sam's Club vanilla wafers
for dessert?
206
00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:25,075
- I don't wanna go to military school.
- No one's going to military school.
207
00:12:25,247 --> 00:12:28,413
But there is, uh, something
we wanted to talk to you about.
208
00:12:28,583 --> 00:12:30,576
Here it comes.
209
00:12:30,752 --> 00:12:33,160
Relax. It's good news. Alan?
210
00:12:33,755 --> 00:12:35,664
All right. Uh, as you both know...
211
00:12:35,841 --> 00:12:38,414
Lyndsey and I have been dating now
for six months.
212
00:12:38,593 --> 00:12:40,835
Oh, man. Did he knock you up?
213
00:12:41,304 --> 00:12:44,092
No. Just be quiet and listen.
214
00:12:44,683 --> 00:12:48,431
Anyway, uh, we've both grown
very fond of each other during that time.
215
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:50,430
You are using protection, right?
216
00:12:50,939 --> 00:12:52,433
That's none of your business...
217
00:12:52,607 --> 00:12:55,608
but I'm glad you're paying attention
in health class.
218
00:12:55,777 --> 00:12:59,277
But what I'm trying to say
is that Lyndsey and I...
219
00:12:59,448 --> 00:13:01,440
have decided to live together.
220
00:13:03,744 --> 00:13:05,487
I don't think Uncle Charlie's
gonna like that.
221
00:13:05,662 --> 00:13:08,497
He's never been real pleased
that you and I moved in.
222
00:13:09,666 --> 00:13:12,667
Uh, no, no, no. We're gonna live
at Lyndsey's and Eldridge's house.
223
00:13:12,836 --> 00:13:14,081
But I stay here, right?
224
00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:16,960
When you're not at your mom's,
you'll be with us.
225
00:13:17,132 --> 00:13:19,338
So I'm losing
my weekend beach house?
226
00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,461
Yeah, but you're gaining
a whole family.
227
00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:24,595
I'd rather have
a weekend beach house.
228
00:13:25,474 --> 00:13:27,632
- Do I have to share my bathroom with?
- Eldridge.
229
00:13:27,809 --> 00:13:29,636
What's wrong
with sharing a bathroom with me?
230
00:13:29,811 --> 00:13:32,137
- I like my privacy.
- We know what that's about.
231
00:13:32,314 --> 00:13:34,805
- Jake.
- You're Mr. Whack-a-Mole, not me.
232
00:13:34,983 --> 00:13:39,028
- Well, at least I don't watch gay porn.
- That was a total accident.
233
00:13:39,488 --> 00:13:42,323
- I don't wanna live with him.
- Don't worry. I'm not going.
234
00:13:42,491 --> 00:13:44,033
- Guys, guys, come on.
- No.
235
00:13:44,201 --> 00:13:46,573
It's bad enough
you're sleeping with this loser.
236
00:13:46,745 --> 00:13:48,821
- Eldridge.
- Are you calling my dad a loser?
237
00:13:48,997 --> 00:13:51,998
- You call him a loser all the time.
- He's my dad. I'm allowed.
238
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,501
- Jake, you're not allowed.
- Is it okay for me to call your mom...
239
00:13:55,671 --> 00:13:57,710
what you call her?
- What do you call me?
240
00:13:57,881 --> 00:14:00,087
Okay, we've gotten off track here.
Heh, um.
241
00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:01,503
Who's ready for cupcakes?
242
00:14:01,677 --> 00:14:04,713
- Screw you and your cupcakes.
- Yeah.
243
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:12,186
I'll just, uh, take one for later.
244
00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:16,181
[SINGING]
Happy days are here again
245
00:14:16,358 --> 00:14:19,228
The skies above are clear again
246
00:14:19,403 --> 00:14:22,522
I'm getting rid of the queer again
247
00:14:22,698 --> 00:14:25,189
Happy days are here again
248
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:26,612
- Hey.
- Hey there.
249
00:14:26,785 --> 00:14:28,861
- Ho there.
- What are you doing?
250
00:14:29,037 --> 00:14:31,528
Just thought I'd help you get a jump
on the packing.
251
00:14:31,707 --> 00:14:34,957
Oh, well, you can unpack,
because I'm not leaving.
252
00:14:35,168 --> 00:14:38,869
- What? No.
- The boys just won't go along with it.
253
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:42,214
- You're giving those two morons a vote?
- It's too traumatic.
254
00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:45,883
- Turning their lives upside down.
- So? Let them be traumatized.
255
00:14:46,054 --> 00:14:48,972
That's the trouble with kids these days:
Not enough trauma.
256
00:14:49,599 --> 00:14:53,051
I know you were looking forward
to having the house back to yourself...
257
00:14:53,228 --> 00:14:56,395
but it's just not gonna happen.
- Oh, it's gonna happen.
258
00:14:56,565 --> 00:15:00,064
As God is my witness,
and by all that's holy, it's gonna happen.
259
00:15:01,445 --> 00:15:03,733
Amen. Keep packing.
260
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:14,787
He couldn't spell "miscellaneous"?
261
00:15:14,958 --> 00:15:17,247
It's my house.
I don't need your permission.
262
00:15:17,419 --> 00:15:19,791
I don't care.
I'll go live with Dad and Stephanie.
263
00:15:19,963 --> 00:15:23,083
Aw, won't that be nice? You'll be
reunited with your old babysitter.
264
00:15:23,592 --> 00:15:24,920
Excuse us. Walk.
265
00:15:25,093 --> 00:15:26,338
- Dude.
- Don't "dude" me.
266
00:15:26,511 --> 00:15:28,718
I'm in no mood for "dude."
267
00:15:28,889 --> 00:15:31,806
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
268
00:15:35,604 --> 00:15:37,929
- Dude.
- Don't "dude" him, dude.
269
00:15:39,274 --> 00:15:41,765
What's this about you not wanting
to live together?
270
00:15:41,943 --> 00:15:44,019
- I like it here.
- I want my privacy, and...
271
00:15:44,237 --> 00:15:47,108
It was a rhetorical question.
I don't give a rat's ass.
272
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:51,866
Now, the happiness of your parents
is at stake here.
273
00:15:52,037 --> 00:15:55,655
We're gonna reason this out like adults
in the interest of all involved.
274
00:15:57,292 --> 00:15:59,285
Here's $500.
275
00:16:00,545 --> 00:16:02,289
Split it up any way you want.
276
00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:04,540
- Nice.
- And that's just a down payment.
277
00:16:04,758 --> 00:16:07,794
There's 100 for every month
you keep my brother out of my house.
278
00:16:07,969 --> 00:16:12,466
A hundred dollars a month?
That's like $1000 a year.
279
00:16:12,641 --> 00:16:13,969
Almost.
280
00:16:16,353 --> 00:16:18,725
- Do we have a deal?
BOTH: Deal.
281
00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:20,640
Great.
282
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:23,688
I should write a book on parenting.
283
00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:28,857
- How are we supposed to split this?
- I don't know, dude.
284
00:16:29,032 --> 00:16:32,650
No matter how I figure it,
there's gonna be one left over.
285
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:41,037
[SINGING] Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back
286
00:16:41,211 --> 00:16:44,165
No more, no more
No more, no more
287
00:16:44,339 --> 00:16:48,669
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more
288
00:16:48,844 --> 00:16:51,382
- Okay, we're leaving.
- What you say?
289
00:16:52,347 --> 00:16:54,340
I said we're all packed
and we're leaving.
290
00:16:54,516 --> 00:16:58,015
I know. I know. I heard you.
I just never get tired of hearing it.
291
00:16:59,187 --> 00:17:02,521
- Jake, say goodbye to your uncle.
- Bye.
292
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,818
- Bye.
- That's it? After all these years?
293
00:17:07,195 --> 00:17:09,354
Um, I had a good time here.
294
00:17:09,531 --> 00:17:11,689
Who wouldn't?
It's a beach house in Malibu.
295
00:17:12,325 --> 00:17:13,570
That's what I told him.
296
00:17:15,579 --> 00:17:17,867
So I guess I'll see you
at your high school graduation.
297
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,032
Heh, good one.
298
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:22,913
- I'll meet you at Lyndsey's.
- Drive safe.
299
00:17:24,755 --> 00:17:26,130
Well, here we are.
300
00:17:27,924 --> 00:17:31,922
- The final goodbye.
- One can only hope.
301
00:17:33,388 --> 00:17:35,215
Come here.
302
00:17:39,895 --> 00:17:42,386
You've been a good brother.
You were here when I needed you.
303
00:17:42,564 --> 00:17:45,102
- I will be forever in your debt.
- So it's official:
304
00:17:45,275 --> 00:17:47,066
You're never paying me back.
305
00:17:49,237 --> 00:17:53,282
Boy, we had some great times
in this old place.
306
00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:56,071
You're walking the wrong way, Alan.
307
00:17:57,621 --> 00:17:59,080
Remember when you set us up...
308
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:02,498
with two hot soap-opera actresses
and then we both got the flu?
309
00:18:02,668 --> 00:18:06,250
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Soap-opera actresses?
310
00:18:06,922 --> 00:18:09,413
No. Doesn't ring a bell.
Drive carefully.
311
00:18:09,591 --> 00:18:12,925
Oh, come on. Um, how about when
you found me handcuffed to my bed...
312
00:18:13,095 --> 00:18:15,586
wearing a bustier
and fishnet stockings?
313
00:18:18,642 --> 00:18:21,809
- Sorry. Blanking on that too.
- But you gotta remember when...
314
00:18:21,978 --> 00:18:24,470
Let me save you some trouble.
My past is divided...
315
00:18:24,648 --> 00:18:27,981
between things I can't remember
and things I don't wanna remember.
316
00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:29,432
You're both.
317
00:18:31,613 --> 00:18:34,614
Right. Then, uh, wish me luck.
318
00:18:35,701 --> 00:18:38,701
You don't need luck.
You guys were meant for each other.
319
00:18:38,912 --> 00:18:42,115
In fact, let me start you off
on the right foot.
320
00:18:42,290 --> 00:18:45,659
Here's $100. Stop by the liquor store,
pick up a bottle of champagne...
321
00:18:45,836 --> 00:18:48,505
to celebrate with Lyndsey.
- Hundred bucks?
322
00:18:48,672 --> 00:18:51,875
For that kind of cash, I could get
a decent bottle of Chardonnay...
323
00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,126
and still have
some walking-around money.
324
00:18:54,302 --> 00:18:57,636
- Get the champagne, Alan.
- Right. It's your money. Ha, ha.
325
00:18:57,806 --> 00:19:00,475
Exactly. We end as we began.
326
00:19:01,977 --> 00:19:04,302
All right, so, uh, I guess I'll call you.
327
00:19:04,479 --> 00:19:06,555
Yeah. Make sure
you leave a message.
328
00:19:06,732 --> 00:19:08,808
Ha-ha-ha. That's what I'm gonna miss.
329
00:19:08,984 --> 00:19:12,982
The banter,
the good-natured ribbing, the...
330
00:19:16,742 --> 00:19:18,402
[SIGHS]
331
00:19:19,661 --> 00:19:22,662
I admit I had my doubts, Lord...
332
00:19:22,831 --> 00:19:26,200
but you have delivered me
unto the Promised Land.
333
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,166
You're right,
I should change the locks.
334
00:19:31,465 --> 00:19:33,753
That's why you're the Lord.
335
00:19:37,888 --> 00:19:41,339
Boy, I didn't even realize
they made wine in Oklahoma.
336
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:44,434
- That'll be 8.49.
- Mm. Here you are.
337
00:19:44,603 --> 00:19:46,097
That's a hundred-dollar bill.
338
00:19:46,271 --> 00:19:49,058
You owe me $91.51.
339
00:19:52,194 --> 00:19:55,111
- Alan?
- Melissa?
340
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,198
- What a coincidence.
- Yeah. How have you been?
341
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:00,692
- Okay. You?
- Uh, fine. Ha.
342
00:20:00,869 --> 00:20:03,075
- How's Jake?
- Oh, uh, he's good.
343
00:20:03,246 --> 00:20:05,535
- Charlie?
- Ah, pfft. Same old.
344
00:20:05,707 --> 00:20:08,578
- Ha, ha. You look great.
- Oh, you too. Gorgeous.
345
00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:11,124
- Aw, thanks. Ha. Ahem.
- Ha-ha-ha.
346
00:20:11,296 --> 00:20:13,538
- I've missed you.
- I've missed you too.
347
00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:16,752
- So seeing anybody?
- Nope. You?
348
00:20:18,053 --> 00:20:19,547
Nope.
349
00:20:20,389 --> 00:20:22,049
[BOTH MOANING]
350
00:20:32,025 --> 00:20:36,402
Must be real important for you to call me
out in the middle of the night like this.
351
00:20:36,571 --> 00:20:38,564
You're doing God's work.
352
00:20:39,449 --> 00:20:40,908
Excuse me. Pardon me.
353
00:20:41,076 --> 00:20:42,274
- Alan?
- I'll explain later.
354
00:20:42,452 --> 00:20:44,694
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.
355
00:20:46,123 --> 00:20:49,539
I'm still moving in with Lyndsey.
This'll just be my pied-à-terre.
356
00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:55,041
Uh, that's French for "love shack."
357
00:21:00,137 --> 00:21:03,885
Okay, that's it.
Let me speak to your supervisor.
358
00:21:31,251 --> 00:21:33,327
[English - US - SDH]