1
00:00:06,950 --> 00:00:09,475
- Can't believe this is only our second date.
- I know.
2
00:00:09,653 --> 00:00:12,884
- I feel like I've known you all my life.
- Me too.
3
00:00:13,624 --> 00:00:15,649
I'm assuming you mean that
as a good thing.
4
00:00:16,193 --> 00:00:18,320
Absolutely.
5
00:00:19,296 --> 00:00:21,992
You're such an unexpected surprise
in my life, Alan.
6
00:00:22,165 --> 00:00:23,826
Thank you.
7
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:27,767
- Uh, once again, I'm assuming that's good.
- Ha, ha. It's great.
8
00:00:29,606 --> 00:00:32,439
- Do you always wear your socks in bed?
- Oh, no.
9
00:00:32,609 --> 00:00:36,136
One of my toenails is kind of snaggly.
I didn't wanna scratch you with it.
10
00:00:36,313 --> 00:00:37,940
Oh, okay.
11
00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:40,049
Had I known
we were going to make love...
12
00:00:40,217 --> 00:00:42,845
...I would've slapped a corn pad
on the little bugger.
13
00:00:43,287 --> 00:00:44,447
[THUD]
14
00:00:44,621 --> 00:00:46,452
ELDRIDGE: Mom!
- Damn it.
15
00:00:46,623 --> 00:00:49,319
Eldridge, why aren't you
with your dad?
16
00:00:49,493 --> 00:00:52,155
ELDRIDGE:
Because he's a giant douche.
17
00:00:52,329 --> 00:00:54,957
Don't talk about your father that way.
18
00:00:55,699 --> 00:00:57,462
He's actually a colossal douche.
19
00:00:59,069 --> 00:01:01,731
- Uh, should I go?
- No, no, it's fine.
20
00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,640
ELDRIDGE:
Do we have anything to eat?
21
00:01:05,809 --> 00:01:09,575
- Order a pizza. I've got company.
ELDRIDGE: Is it Dave?
22
00:01:11,014 --> 00:01:14,142
- No.
ELDRIDGE: Jimmy?
23
00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:15,649
No.
24
00:01:16,253 --> 00:01:18,187
He's just trying to push my buttons.
25
00:01:18,388 --> 00:01:21,482
Yeah, Jake's exactly the same way,
always trying to get my goat.
26
00:01:21,658 --> 00:01:23,956
Now, who are Dave and Jimmy?
27
00:01:24,761 --> 00:01:28,219
ELDRIDGE: Please don't tell me
you're doing Jake's loser dad.
28
00:01:29,533 --> 00:01:31,694
I'm a divorced mother
with a 16-year-old son.
29
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:34,200
I can't be picky.
30
00:01:36,506 --> 00:01:38,838
Now, shut your pie hole.
31
00:01:39,009 --> 00:01:41,500
ELDRIDGE: I hate you.
- I hate you right back.
32
00:01:41,678 --> 00:01:43,145
[DOOR CLOSES]
33
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:46,476
So where were we?
34
00:01:49,119 --> 00:01:52,680
Um, are you sure you don't wanna
spend some time with your son?
35
00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:54,284
I just did.
36
00:01:55,559 --> 00:01:57,117
Fair enough.
37
00:01:59,196 --> 00:02:01,255
Can you tell I got my boobs done?
38
00:02:02,132 --> 00:02:05,295
- Oh, no, they, uh, feel very natural.
- Oh, good.
39
00:02:05,902 --> 00:02:08,496
That kid absolutely ruined the first set.
40
00:02:09,406 --> 00:02:12,375
Same thing happened to my ex-wife.
By the time Jake got through with them...
41
00:02:12,542 --> 00:02:15,443
...they looked like a couple of windsocks
on a quiet day.
42
00:02:16,413 --> 00:02:19,405
Oh, just, uh...
Just FYI, I'm all original equipment.
43
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:20,607
LYNDSEY:
Ah.
44
00:02:20,784 --> 00:02:23,218
Aside from, you know,
a little anal bleaching.
45
00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:24,752
What?
46
00:02:25,622 --> 00:02:30,082
Oh, it was an accident.
I, uh, sat on a Clorox bottle by mistake.
47
00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:32,387
- Story for another day.
- Okay.
48
00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:34,723
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC
PLAYING NEARBY]
49
00:02:35,465 --> 00:02:38,332
Eldridge, turn down the freaking music!
50
00:02:38,535 --> 00:02:40,628
ELDRIDGE: Yeah, well,
I don't wanna hear you have sex!
51
00:02:40,804 --> 00:02:45,400
Then put on your headphones!
That's why I bought them for you!
52
00:02:45,575 --> 00:02:47,008
[MUSIC STOPS]
53
00:02:48,045 --> 00:02:49,239
That's better.
54
00:02:49,946 --> 00:02:51,277
Come here.
55
00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:57,312
Something wrong?
56
00:02:57,487 --> 00:03:00,251
- Oh, no, no. Everything's great.
- Are you sure?
57
00:03:00,424 --> 00:03:04,326
Because your toenail's
the only thing poking me right now.
58
00:03:04,494 --> 00:03:07,122
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a little distracted.
59
00:03:08,498 --> 00:03:10,295
Let me undistract you.
60
00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:12,094
[DRUM MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]
61
00:03:12,269 --> 00:03:14,965
Ugh. Son of a bitch.
62
00:03:17,374 --> 00:03:19,865
What the hell is wrong with you?
63
00:03:20,444 --> 00:03:22,275
Hang in there.
64
00:03:24,181 --> 00:03:26,706
We've practiced for this.
65
00:03:27,117 --> 00:03:29,108
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
66
00:03:56,780 --> 00:03:59,112
[PLAYING JONI MITCHELL'S
"CHELSEA MORNING" ON PIANO]
67
00:04:01,885 --> 00:04:05,878
[SINGING]
Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning
68
00:04:08,091 --> 00:04:12,494
And the first thing that I heard
69
00:04:13,897 --> 00:04:17,264
Was a song outside my window
70
00:04:18,468 --> 00:04:21,335
And the traffic wrote the words
71
00:04:21,505 --> 00:04:24,030
Oh, give it a rest.
72
00:04:26,843 --> 00:04:28,208
I miss Chelsea.
73
00:04:28,411 --> 00:04:30,572
Hey, I miss the '80s...
74
00:04:30,747 --> 00:04:34,080
...but you don't see me snorting blow
off a DeLorean.
75
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:38,076
I know he's grounded, Judith...
76
00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:40,746
...but why can't he be grounded
at your house?
77
00:04:41,224 --> 00:04:43,818
Well, I have a life too.
78
00:04:43,994 --> 00:04:46,087
Yes, I do.
79
00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:48,555
Since now.
80
00:04:49,432 --> 00:04:51,832
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
81
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:55,938
I've got a new girlfriend, and she only
gets off one night a week and...
82
00:04:58,475 --> 00:05:00,375
Why is that funny?
83
00:05:00,710 --> 00:05:03,144
Oh. Ha, ha.
84
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:06,949
That's the pot calling the kettle
nonorgasmic, don't you think?
85
00:05:07,818 --> 00:05:10,286
Hello? Hello? Ugh.
86
00:05:10,487 --> 00:05:13,285
Well, have a nice day,
you miserable bitch.
87
00:05:13,657 --> 00:05:16,956
Oh, you're still here?
Uh... Have a good weekend.
88
00:05:18,662 --> 00:05:23,258
You know, Zippy, you remind me
of a blind cat I used to have.
89
00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:26,197
Bumping into walls,
stepping in his water dish.
90
00:05:26,403 --> 00:05:30,203
He was a hoot. I called him Magoo.
91
00:05:31,141 --> 00:05:34,201
- Cute.
- No, he was ugly too.
92
00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:37,905
Oh, hey, Charlie, uh,
you gonna be home tonight?
93
00:05:38,481 --> 00:05:39,709
- Why?
BERTA [MOUTHS]: No.
94
00:05:39,916 --> 00:05:41,281
No.
95
00:05:41,618 --> 00:05:45,213
I've got a romantic night planned but
need somebody to keep an eye on Jake.
96
00:05:45,422 --> 00:05:47,856
- He's grounded.
- I got a better idea.
97
00:05:48,024 --> 00:05:50,356
Open the door
and leave a trail of hamburgers...
98
00:05:50,527 --> 00:05:52,154
...to the Army recruiting office.
99
00:05:53,997 --> 00:05:56,465
Everybody wins but America.
100
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:59,661
Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor?
101
00:05:59,836 --> 00:06:02,805
Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls.
102
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,760
[YELLS]
103
00:07:10,206 --> 00:07:12,003
Where you going?
104
00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:15,071
I told you. I've got a date.
105
00:07:15,245 --> 00:07:17,645
And I told you I'm not responsible
for your kid.
106
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:20,806
You don't have to be responsible
for him. Just let him see you.
107
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:23,212
You know,
the illusion of adult supervision.
108
00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:27,018
No, no, no. I got plans of my own.
If you're gonna go, take your kid with you.
109
00:07:27,223 --> 00:07:29,555
Please, Charlie,
I booked a beautiful hotel room.
110
00:07:29,726 --> 00:07:31,990
I put it on a credit card,
so there's no refund.
111
00:07:32,162 --> 00:07:34,653
What do you mean, "a credit card"?
112
00:07:34,831 --> 00:07:36,264
I'll pay you back, I swear.
113
00:07:38,034 --> 00:07:40,901
Come on, it's just for one night.
I don't ask for much.
114
00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:43,767
Don't ask for much?
You're a human tip jar.
115
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,135
I am begging you.
116
00:07:46,309 --> 00:07:47,970
I already took the Cialis.
117
00:07:48,144 --> 00:07:50,476
Please don't make me stay home
with a boner.
118
00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:53,241
You were gonna make me stay home
with a boner.
119
00:07:53,783 --> 00:07:56,775
Okay, think about this.
If it works out with me and Lyndsey...
120
00:07:56,953 --> 00:07:59,786
...I might be able to move out
of your house and into hers.
121
00:08:00,623 --> 00:08:03,956
Don't do that, Alan.
Don't toy with my heart.
122
00:08:04,127 --> 00:08:05,958
All right, all right, tell you what.
123
00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:09,257
Go tell Jake to pack a bag.
I'll drop him off at his mom's.
124
00:08:09,432 --> 00:08:10,865
Now you're making sense.
125
00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:16,362
ALAN:
Sorry, sorry, sorry!
126
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:17,563
[TIRES SQUEAL]
127
00:08:17,741 --> 00:08:21,700
- This isn't over!
ALAN: Sorry!
128
00:08:23,646 --> 00:08:24,977
All right, here's the deal.
129
00:08:25,148 --> 00:08:28,276
I got someone coming over,
so I need you to make yourself scarce.
130
00:08:28,451 --> 00:08:32,148
- Are you back with Chelsea?
- No, I'm not back with Chelsea.
131
00:08:32,322 --> 00:08:36,691
- So, what's this new girl's name?
- I don't know. Jasmine, Jade.
132
00:08:39,029 --> 00:08:41,190
I asked for Asian.
133
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:45,659
Who'd you ask?
134
00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:50,163
Nobody.
135
00:08:50,874 --> 00:08:53,342
- Just get out of here for the night.
- I'm grounded.
136
00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:57,469
Hey, hey, hey.
I don't burden you with my problems.
137
00:09:03,987 --> 00:09:07,388
Hey, Eldridge. My uncle's horny.
I'll meet you at the pier.
138
00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:10,924
This is fun, huh?
139
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:14,654
Sneaking off to a hotel room
like a couple of horny teenagers.
140
00:09:14,831 --> 00:09:18,699
Of course, I never had enough money
as a teenager to afford a hotel room.
141
00:09:18,868 --> 00:09:21,393
My first time
was on a miniature-golf course.
142
00:09:21,571 --> 00:09:22,868
Inside the windmill.
143
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,130
No kidding. Did you get a hole in one?
144
00:09:25,308 --> 00:09:26,400
[CHUCKLES]
145
00:09:26,576 --> 00:09:28,601
Uh, well, actually, a hole in two.
146
00:09:28,778 --> 00:09:30,871
I lost the first one
taking the putter out of the bag.
147
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:33,015
[CHUCKLES]
148
00:09:33,183 --> 00:09:36,914
- So, uh, where was your first time?
- Backstage at a Police concert.
149
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:40,147
- Oh. Sting.
- Little bit.
150
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:45,384
Can we stop at the drugstore?
151
00:09:45,562 --> 00:09:49,123
Oh, uh, don't worry, I bought enough
condoms to golf our brains out.
152
00:09:49,299 --> 00:09:51,859
No, actually,
I have to get some tampons.
153
00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:55,029
Oh. Oh, you mean for just in case, right?
154
00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:58,835
- Afraid not. Sorry.
- Oh, no, no, don't be silly.
155
00:09:59,008 --> 00:10:03,035
Uh, this is more about us spending
quality time together than anything else.
156
00:10:03,213 --> 00:10:05,306
I'm glad you feel that way.
157
00:10:06,950 --> 00:10:09,282
Nevertheless, I do have a plan B.
158
00:10:09,719 --> 00:10:11,243
Oh, what's that?
159
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:14,788
Plan B, Alan. It goes with my plan J.
160
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,759
Oh.
161
00:10:20,864 --> 00:10:22,126
Yay.
162
00:10:22,298 --> 00:10:23,925
[LYNDSEY CHUCKLES]
163
00:10:29,239 --> 00:10:33,369
NEWSMAN [ON TV]: ... central bank on
Wednesday kept interest rates unchanged.
164
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:37,502
So, Charlie,
how can I make you happy?
165
00:10:37,747 --> 00:10:38,771
What are my choices?
166
00:10:38,948 --> 00:10:41,781
Well, you paid
for the full girlfriend experience...
167
00:10:41,951 --> 00:10:45,114
...so anything you want.
168
00:10:45,288 --> 00:10:48,815
Anything I want. I like that.
169
00:10:48,992 --> 00:10:50,653
Okay.
170
00:10:51,494 --> 00:10:53,553
Read this magazine...
171
00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:58,160
...while I watch SportsCenter.
172
00:11:01,538 --> 00:11:03,165
I want the girlfriend experience.
173
00:11:03,339 --> 00:11:07,366
- That's what my girlfriend used to do.
- Okay.
174
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:10,376
And every once in a while...
175
00:11:10,547 --> 00:11:13,277
...look at me and sigh
while rolling your eyes.
176
00:11:16,019 --> 00:11:19,477
Oh, baby, that's what Daddy likes.
177
00:11:25,461 --> 00:11:26,553
[LYNDSEY GROANS]
178
00:11:28,665 --> 00:11:30,565
Cramps, huh?
179
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,894
LYNDSEY:
No, I'm having another child.
180
00:11:34,571 --> 00:11:35,902
[CHUCKLES]
181
00:11:36,072 --> 00:11:38,836
You know, not that I'm complaining,
but don't you gals...
182
00:11:39,008 --> 00:11:41,533
...circle this time of the month
on the calendar?
183
00:11:41,711 --> 00:11:44,305
LYNDSEY:
It's not an exact science, Alan.
184
00:11:44,581 --> 00:11:47,846
Ugh. For God's sake, it's like
the horse-head scene in The Godfather.
185
00:11:52,455 --> 00:11:54,355
Could be worse.
186
00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:57,952
Could be the prom scene from Carrie.
187
00:11:59,329 --> 00:12:02,059
LYNDSEY: That's not funny.
- Sorry.
188
00:12:02,232 --> 00:12:04,564
Uh, tell you what,
I will call for some room service.
189
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:07,100
Any special requests?
Maybe some champagne?
190
00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:08,601
LYNDSEY:
Sure, whatever.
191
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,706
Well, your wish is my command.
192
00:12:12,408 --> 00:12:17,311
Uh, hello. Hi, yeah, this is Dr. Alan Harper.
I'm in Room 710.
193
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,881
And I would like a bottle
of your best champagne.
194
00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:25,043
Oh, really?
195
00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:27,416
You don't have anything
more expensive?
196
00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,080
All right, it'll have to do.
197
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:34,962
Also, I would like
some fresh strawberries...
198
00:12:35,131 --> 00:12:39,363
...and a dozen bluepoint oysters.
199
00:12:41,504 --> 00:12:42,596
Well, find some.
200
00:12:42,772 --> 00:12:45,741
This is a special evening,
and I will spare no expense.
201
00:12:46,509 --> 00:12:48,136
Thank you.
202
00:12:50,179 --> 00:12:52,977
LYNDSEY: Hey, Alan?
- Uh, yes, my sweet?
203
00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:56,744
- Can you hand me my purse?
- Oh, sure.
204
00:13:03,493 --> 00:13:06,690
- Incoming.
- Ow!
205
00:13:07,463 --> 00:13:09,192
Sorry.
206
00:13:09,399 --> 00:13:11,492
LYNDSEY: We're in luck.
- Oh, we are?
207
00:13:11,668 --> 00:13:15,331
LYNDSEY: I've still got a couple of Vicodin
I stole from my son.
208
00:13:15,505 --> 00:13:20,101
- You stole drugs from your son?
- It's only fair. He stole my youth.
209
00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:21,802
Alrighty.
210
00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:25,440
[IN DISGUISED VOICE]
Room service.
211
00:13:25,615 --> 00:13:28,482
Oh. That was quick. Ha, ha.
212
00:13:34,991 --> 00:13:39,758
All right, well, we've circled back
around to hockey scores, so...
213
00:13:40,530 --> 00:13:41,554
...time for sex.
214
00:13:42,532 --> 00:13:45,433
Okay. And what kind of sex
does Charlie want?
215
00:13:46,969 --> 00:13:48,402
Oh.
216
00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:49,868
Hard to pick.
217
00:13:51,307 --> 00:13:53,502
It's kind of like Baskin-Robbins.
218
00:13:54,744 --> 00:13:57,872
You know, if they charged
a thousand dollars a scoop.
219
00:13:58,648 --> 00:14:01,344
And sprinkles are way extra.
220
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:06,146
Well, I guess if I have to choose,
my favorite kind of sex is make-up sex.
221
00:14:07,357 --> 00:14:09,086
You're kidding.
222
00:14:09,258 --> 00:14:12,421
No, it's great. Here's how we do it.
223
00:14:12,595 --> 00:14:15,723
I will do or say something
that will really irritate you.
224
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,059
I can imagine that happening.
225
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:21,361
Then we'll have an argument,
which will escalate into a fight.
226
00:14:21,537 --> 00:14:24,404
You'll sulk. I'll pout.
Then after a couple of minutes...
227
00:14:24,574 --> 00:14:26,371
...we'll realize we're being silly...
228
00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:28,567
...and how lucky we are
to have each other.
229
00:14:28,745 --> 00:14:31,737
Then I will take you in my arms
and we'll hump our brains out.
230
00:14:32,749 --> 00:14:34,182
Fine. How do we start?
231
00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:37,349
Let me think. All right.
232
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,182
Go in the bathroom
and look in the sink.
233
00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:41,482
What?
234
00:14:42,425 --> 00:14:44,188
Just do it. Trust me.
235
00:14:52,135 --> 00:14:54,729
JASMINE:
Oh, God, it's disgusting.
236
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:56,872
Good, go with that.
237
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,238
Would it kill you to rinse out the sink
after you shave?
238
00:15:00,743 --> 00:15:03,234
- Sorry.
- All right, I forgive you.
239
00:15:03,446 --> 00:15:06,108
No, no, no. Not yet.
240
00:15:08,017 --> 00:15:09,507
Make me work for it.
241
00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:11,944
Okay.
242
00:15:12,622 --> 00:15:15,819
Damn it, Charlie, you're the most
thoughtless man in the world.
243
00:15:16,392 --> 00:15:19,225
Oh, come on, I'll rinse out the sink
when I brush my teeth.
244
00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:22,387
You haven't brushed your teeth yet?
What kind of a pig are you?
245
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,892
Nice touch.
246
00:15:26,068 --> 00:15:28,161
Remember, you're not mad
about the whiskers.
247
00:15:28,337 --> 00:15:31,329
You're mad because I don't listen,
I don't like your friends...
248
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:33,839
...I said snide things about your mother.
- Yeah.
249
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:36,102
When do we get
to humping our brains out?
250
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:38,770
Oh, pfft, we're not even close.
This goes on for hours.
251
00:15:42,385 --> 00:15:43,409
[CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT]
252
00:15:43,586 --> 00:15:45,679
Take this
and pretend like you're working.
253
00:15:46,956 --> 00:15:49,948
Oh, sweetie, I don't have to pretend.
254
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:54,690
How would you feel about slapping some
greasy skin cream all over your face?
255
00:15:55,932 --> 00:15:57,160
Where you going with this?
256
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,530
I'm just talking skin cream.
257
00:16:00,703 --> 00:16:03,035
What do you think,
I'm some kind of freak?
258
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:05,766
Okay, but I'm not that kind of freak.
259
00:16:24,594 --> 00:16:26,118
[BELCHES]
260
00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:33,659
Whoa.
261
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:36,361
That's gonna attract seagulls.
262
00:16:37,807 --> 00:16:39,206
[DOOR OPENS AND LYNDSEY SIGHS]
263
00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:42,469
Okay, let's get this over with.
264
00:16:42,678 --> 00:16:45,374
Don't you wanna have some
champagne and oysters?
265
00:16:45,548 --> 00:16:47,516
No, I do this better
on an empty stomach.
266
00:16:49,352 --> 00:16:51,980
By the way, um,
I'm a little foggy from the Vicodin...
267
00:16:52,154 --> 00:16:56,682
...so if I fall asleep in the middle,
just give me a little tap on the shoulder.
268
00:16:56,859 --> 00:16:59,987
- Okay.
- Come here.
269
00:17:02,865 --> 00:17:05,925
- You're a good kisser, Alan.
- Thank you.
270
00:17:06,135 --> 00:17:07,659
Better than my ex-husband.
271
00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:11,564
Oh. Well, good for me.
272
00:17:11,741 --> 00:17:14,073
Course, he made up for it
below the waist...
273
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:15,642
...if you know what I mean.
274
00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:19,381
He had big feet?
275
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:23,279
Three of them,
but only two wore shoes.
276
00:17:25,021 --> 00:17:26,716
Lucky you.
277
00:17:26,889 --> 00:17:30,222
Oh, don't worry,
size doesn't matter to me.
278
00:17:30,393 --> 00:17:31,621
Good to know.
279
00:17:31,794 --> 00:17:36,424
In fact, in this situation,
the smaller the better.
280
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,799
Um...
281
00:17:43,973 --> 00:17:45,804
...you're welcome?
282
00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:51,473
[GURGLING]
283
00:17:53,482 --> 00:17:55,541
- What the hell was that?
- Um, I don't know.
284
00:17:55,718 --> 00:17:58,209
Maybe the strawberries
are fighting with the oysters.
285
00:17:59,789 --> 00:18:01,313
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
286
00:18:02,191 --> 00:18:03,215
[GURGLING]
287
00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:05,883
- Uh-oh.
- What?
288
00:18:06,062 --> 00:18:09,088
I think the oysters
are making a break for it. Excuse me.
289
00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:13,098
- Are you gonna throw up?
- I wish.
290
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:15,897
You might wanna turn the TV on. Loud.
291
00:18:16,639 --> 00:18:17,765
Why?
292
00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:20,272
ALAN: You don't wanna hear
what's about to happen.
293
00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:22,905
[ALAN YELLS]
294
00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:25,138
[SINGING]
Oklahoma, where the wind comes
295
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:27,248
Sweeping down the plain
296
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:31,682
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes...
297
00:18:33,923 --> 00:18:37,120
All right, one grilled cheese
with avocado and bacon, extra crispy.
298
00:18:37,293 --> 00:18:39,318
Oh, thank you, honey.
299
00:18:39,495 --> 00:18:41,486
You realize
that bacon's gonna kill you.
300
00:18:43,265 --> 00:18:44,630
- I know.
- You say you know...
301
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,427
...but you keep eating it.
302
00:18:46,602 --> 00:18:48,433
Oh, come on, don't nag.
303
00:18:48,604 --> 00:18:50,799
I'm not nagging.
I'm concerned about you.
304
00:18:50,973 --> 00:18:54,465
- Fine. Fine, I'll take the bacon off.
- Don't do me any favors.
305
00:18:54,644 --> 00:18:57,772
No, no, no. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it. See?
306
00:19:03,152 --> 00:19:07,054
- Who's that?
- Just the kid. Jake, get in here.
307
00:19:07,256 --> 00:19:09,781
We have a kid?
You didn't say anything about a kid.
308
00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:15,158
- He's not ours. He's my brother's.
- So, what's my part in this scenario?
309
00:19:15,831 --> 00:19:17,696
You don't think
I'm a good role model...
310
00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:21,268
...yet, paradoxically,
you still wanna have children with me.
311
00:19:22,338 --> 00:19:23,828
What?
312
00:19:24,006 --> 00:19:26,372
Did you go out
even though you were grounded?
313
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:27,702
You told me to.
314
00:19:29,278 --> 00:19:32,179
- Don't look at me like that. He's lying.
- I'm not lying.
315
00:19:32,348 --> 00:19:34,407
And I'm not looking at you.
316
00:19:34,583 --> 00:19:36,710
All right, all right, enough.
317
00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:39,753
Young man, go to your room
and think about what you've done.
318
00:19:39,922 --> 00:19:41,514
Whatever.
319
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:47,559
I think we handled that really well.
Tough love, but I'm still the cool uncle.
320
00:19:48,197 --> 00:19:50,859
Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy.
321
00:19:51,033 --> 00:19:54,002
I'm very happy.
In fact, are you free tomorrow?
322
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:56,730
I'm never free, but I'm available.
323
00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:58,598
Well, great.
324
00:19:58,808 --> 00:20:02,403
How about you drag me to some boring
museum so I can miss the Laker game?
325
00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:07,007
It's your money.
Is it okay if I go take a shower?
326
00:20:07,183 --> 00:20:10,016
- Sure. I'll be up in a bit.
- Okay.
327
00:20:15,191 --> 00:20:16,283
[SIGHS]
328
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,189
Still cheaper than getting married.
329
00:20:25,301 --> 00:20:28,327
Alrighty, here we are.
330
00:20:28,504 --> 00:20:30,938
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
331
00:20:31,107 --> 00:20:32,165
[LYNDSEY SIGHS]
332
00:20:32,341 --> 00:20:35,401
Believe it or not,
I actually had a good time.
333
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,511
- Really?
- Well, yeah.
334
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,013
Nice hotel, room service, no teenagers.
335
00:20:41,617 --> 00:20:43,209
I'm glad.
336
00:20:43,385 --> 00:20:46,149
So shall we try it again?
337
00:20:46,322 --> 00:20:49,519
In, you know, five or six days?
338
00:20:51,026 --> 00:20:52,323
I would like that.
339
00:20:56,132 --> 00:20:57,724
Okay, uh, I don't mean to rush you...
340
00:20:57,900 --> 00:21:00,198
...but I really have to go home
to my bathroom.
341
00:21:00,369 --> 00:21:01,427
Wanna use mine?
342
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:05,004
Uh, no, no, that wouldn't be good
for our relationship.
343
00:21:05,174 --> 00:21:08,905
- All right. Well, bye.
- Seriously, get out of the car.
344
00:21:16,585 --> 00:21:18,177
[ALAN YELLS]
345
00:21:18,354 --> 00:21:20,219
[SINGING]
Oklahoma, where the wind...
346
00:21:47,216 --> 00:21:49,207
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]