1
00:00:04,882 --> 00:00:07,578
- I'm gonna hate this movie.
- How can you be so sure?
2
00:00:08,685 --> 00:00:10,380
It's got subtitles.
3
00:00:10,554 --> 00:00:15,389
The only good subtitles are for Nazis,
Columbian drug lords and space aliens.
4
00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:17,390
Oh, and kung fu.
5
00:00:17,561 --> 00:00:19,961
Excuse me, but NPR called
Hiroshima, La Poubelle:
6
00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:22,724
"An enchanting journey
of self-discovery."
7
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:25,698
They're not gonna call it
"a two-hour French snoozefest...
8
00:00:25,869 --> 00:00:29,737
...for pompous douche buckets."
- You agreed if I paid for the tickets...
9
00:00:29,907 --> 00:00:31,534
...we could see what I wanna see.
10
00:00:32,042 --> 00:00:34,533
I didn't think
you could scrape together 18 bucks...
11
00:00:34,711 --> 00:00:36,440
...without stopping at a blood bank.
12
00:00:36,613 --> 00:00:39,411
It is a small price to pay
to get you out of the house.
13
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:42,575
It's been three weeks since
you and Chelsea broke up. Move on.
14
00:00:42,753 --> 00:00:46,120
Says the guy who still carries around
a naked picture of his ex-wife.
15
00:00:46,290 --> 00:00:49,953
Hey, I bought those boobs, I have a right
to look at them once in a while.
16
00:00:53,463 --> 00:00:55,260
Damn. I don't believe it.
17
00:00:55,432 --> 00:00:56,956
- What?
- She's here.
18
00:00:57,134 --> 00:00:58,499
My ex-wife?
19
00:00:58,669 --> 00:01:01,069
No. It's Chelsea.
20
00:01:01,238 --> 00:01:02,569
She's with that Brad guy.
21
00:01:02,739 --> 00:01:05,139
So, what do we do? Do we say hello?
22
00:01:05,309 --> 00:01:07,641
No, we get the hell out of here.
23
00:01:07,811 --> 00:01:09,073
CHELSEA:
Charlie?
24
00:01:09,246 --> 00:01:12,010
Hey, look who's here.
Alan, Chelsea's here.
25
00:01:12,182 --> 00:01:13,911
Oh, hey, Chelsea.
26
00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:16,609
Hi, Alan. You guys remember Brad.
27
00:01:16,787 --> 00:01:18,914
- How's it going?
- Good, great.
28
00:01:19,089 --> 00:01:21,956
- Looking forward to the movie.
- I'm surprised to see you.
29
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:24,150
This doesn't strike me
as your cup of tea.
30
00:01:24,328 --> 00:01:25,352
Are you kidding?
31
00:01:25,529 --> 00:01:28,760
NPR called it "an enchanting journey
of self-discovery."
32
00:01:28,932 --> 00:01:30,900
You know I live for that crap.
33
00:01:31,468 --> 00:01:34,699
Right.
Okay, well, it was good seeing you.
34
00:01:34,905 --> 00:01:36,600
You too.
35
00:01:39,109 --> 00:01:42,545
Wow, that was awkward.
36
00:01:43,347 --> 00:01:44,712
Tell me about it.
37
00:01:44,915 --> 00:01:46,177
Had to be tough for you.
38
00:01:46,350 --> 00:01:49,012
- Your ex-fiancée out with another guy.
- Uh-huh.
39
00:01:49,186 --> 00:01:51,677
- Good-looking guy.
- Yeah.
40
00:01:51,855 --> 00:01:54,050
You're here with your brother.
41
00:01:54,691 --> 00:01:57,626
- I know.
- That'll tighten the old sphincter.
42
00:01:59,429 --> 00:02:01,522
Oh, God.
43
00:02:01,698 --> 00:02:02,722
You still wanna go?
44
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,998
No. No, I'm not gonna give her
the satisfaction.
45
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:10,071
- I can suck it up for two hours.
- Three hours and 20 minutes.
46
00:02:10,574 --> 00:02:11,871
What?
47
00:02:12,042 --> 00:02:15,068
It covers four generations
of transsexual kabuki dancers.
48
00:02:18,949 --> 00:02:20,849
Let's go.
49
00:02:21,752 --> 00:02:25,813
All right. But I think you
should pay me back for the tickets.
50
00:02:26,023 --> 00:02:27,320
Well, not now.
51
00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:30,886
When it's convenient.
52
00:02:31,762 --> 00:02:33,753
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
53
00:03:03,193 --> 00:03:05,661
I can't believe she's already dating.
54
00:03:05,829 --> 00:03:06,989
You're kidding, right?
55
00:03:07,164 --> 00:03:11,157
The day after she moved out, you ran off
to Vegas and married a stripper.
56
00:03:11,868 --> 00:03:14,234
- People grieve in different ways, Alan.
- Mm.
57
00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:17,862
Besides, the stripper was
already married, so no harm, no foul.
58
00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:19,399
[SIGHS]
59
00:03:19,576 --> 00:03:21,134
Everybody's got somebody but me.
60
00:03:21,311 --> 00:03:23,211
Hello? I'm not with anyone either.
61
00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:27,009
Hello? You're a big loser
that says "Hello?"
62
00:03:31,788 --> 00:03:35,918
- I wonder if she's slept with him yet.
- Don't go there. Don't punish yourself.
63
00:03:36,093 --> 00:03:38,561
If she hasn't already,
I bet you she does tonight.
64
00:03:38,729 --> 00:03:40,492
Okay, punish yourself.
65
00:03:40,664 --> 00:03:43,531
What kind of man's gonna sit
through a gay French flick...
66
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:46,863
...unless he figures he's got
a good shot of getting laid after?
67
00:03:47,037 --> 00:03:49,369
You didn't even give
that movie a chance.
68
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,736
I bet you right now
he's driving her back to his place...
69
00:03:52,909 --> 00:03:55,503
...talking about the movie,
he'll make up some crap...
70
00:03:55,679 --> 00:03:57,078
...about how it made him cry.
71
00:03:57,247 --> 00:04:01,445
Then he'll ask her in for a cup of coffee,
which will turn into a glass of wine.
72
00:04:01,618 --> 00:04:04,109
One thing leads to another,
and before you know it...
73
00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:07,051
...he's got her in the bathtub
riding her like a Jet Ski.
74
00:04:09,359 --> 00:04:11,850
At least that's how I'd play it.
75
00:04:14,264 --> 00:04:16,061
- Come on.
- Where we going?
76
00:04:16,233 --> 00:04:18,565
Chelsea's. I gotta see
if she comes home tonight.
77
00:04:18,735 --> 00:04:20,259
Okay, why am I going?
78
00:04:20,437 --> 00:04:22,302
Hello? I'm hammered.
79
00:04:22,472 --> 00:04:25,908
How's it gonna look if I get a DUI
on the way to spy on my ex-girlfriend?
80
00:04:28,478 --> 00:04:32,039
He's very responsible
about drinking and stalking.
81
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,388
How long are we gonna sit here?
82
00:04:39,589 --> 00:04:41,716
Till she comes home.
83
00:04:42,392 --> 00:04:44,383
What if she spends all night
with Brad?
84
00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:47,159
Well, then we'll be here all night.
85
00:04:47,731 --> 00:04:48,891
Hmm.
86
00:04:49,399 --> 00:04:50,957
No, no. No, don't:
87
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:52,533
Hmm.
88
00:04:52,702 --> 00:04:55,000
Hey, I can "hmm" if I want to.
89
00:04:55,172 --> 00:04:57,265
- I'm tired.
- Then go to sleep.
90
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,568
Without my melatonin and mouth guard?
I don't think so.
91
00:05:02,646 --> 00:05:05,308
Car. Car, car. Oh, it's them. It's them.
92
00:05:05,482 --> 00:05:07,973
- Get down. Get down.
- Okay. Okay. Quick, put this on.
93
00:05:08,151 --> 00:05:10,142
- What the hell is it?
- Mustache.
94
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:14,086
- What are you doing with a mustache?
- Don't worry, it's fake.
95
00:05:14,491 --> 00:05:17,585
- That doesn't answer my question.
- Think you're the first guy...
96
00:05:17,761 --> 00:05:20,457
...who's checked up on a woman
who dumped you? Put it on.
97
00:05:20,630 --> 00:05:24,396
There is a whole side to you
I don't wanna know anything about.
98
00:05:25,502 --> 00:05:28,960
Hey, that's a good look for you.
It's kind of '70s porn star.
99
00:05:30,207 --> 00:05:31,299
I'm guessing.
100
00:05:34,144 --> 00:05:36,442
- Look at that thing he's driving.
- It's a Prius.
101
00:05:36,613 --> 00:05:40,709
Of course it's a Prius. "I'm saving the
planet, can I play with your boobies?"
102
00:05:40,917 --> 00:05:43,044
Hey. Hey, do not put down
the green lifestyle.
103
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:46,053
I've worked hard to reduce
the size of my carbon footprint.
104
00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:49,920
You're a mooch and a miser,
don't try to make it sound hip.
105
00:05:50,961 --> 00:05:53,452
Wait, they're getting out of the car.
106
00:05:54,531 --> 00:05:58,831
Don't you just love how he dresses?
I mean, youthful, but not trying too hard.
107
00:05:59,002 --> 00:06:00,333
Unlike some people.
108
00:06:02,339 --> 00:06:04,000
Oh, great, they're kissing.
109
00:06:04,174 --> 00:06:06,938
Good thing he doesn't know
where her mouth has been.
110
00:06:10,814 --> 00:06:13,908
Wait a minute.
He's getting back in his car.
111
00:06:14,084 --> 00:06:15,574
And there he goes.
112
00:06:15,752 --> 00:06:20,018
Well, denied,
Mr. Greenpeace-Sissy-Pants.
113
00:06:20,390 --> 00:06:23,086
There. You feel better?
Can we please go home now?
114
00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:25,956
Just a minute.
I wanna make sure she gets inside okay.
115
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:29,355
You know, there's a soft side to you
that I just applaud.
116
00:06:29,532 --> 00:06:33,832
You don't let it out very often, but when
you do, it just lights up the world.
117
00:06:35,472 --> 00:06:36,496
Wait a minute.
118
00:06:36,973 --> 00:06:39,942
Why is she getting in her car?
Where's she going at this hour?
119
00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:43,045
Maybe there's a third guy
and she's cheating on Brad.
120
00:06:43,213 --> 00:06:45,078
- What?
- Isn't that how you'd play it?
121
00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:49,215
Follow her.
122
00:06:51,888 --> 00:06:53,879
Catch up, catch up.
You're gonna lose her.
123
00:06:54,057 --> 00:06:57,254
Relax, this is not the first woman
I've surreptitiously followed...
124
00:06:57,427 --> 00:06:59,918
...while honoring the letter
of a restraining order.
125
00:07:01,998 --> 00:07:04,523
Oh, looks like she's heading
for Malibu.
126
00:07:04,701 --> 00:07:07,101
- Who does she know in Malibu?
- No idea.
127
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:08,760
[CLICKING]
128
00:07:08,939 --> 00:07:12,568
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, damn. I'm out of gas.
129
00:07:12,742 --> 00:07:14,801
- How could you be out of gas?
- I don't know.
130
00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:17,479
I just put $3 in the other day.
131
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:19,046
Three dollars?
132
00:07:19,215 --> 00:07:22,241
Actually, 2.50. I bought a Milky Way.
133
00:07:22,419 --> 00:07:24,910
Oh, crap.
134
00:07:25,088 --> 00:07:27,750
All right, we'll just have to call AAA.
135
00:07:27,924 --> 00:07:29,289
Um...
136
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:31,090
You don't have AAA?
137
00:07:31,261 --> 00:07:33,229
It costs like, $49 a year.
138
00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:35,421
Charlie, I gas up $3 at a time.
139
00:07:36,099 --> 00:07:37,828
Great. Just great.
140
00:07:38,034 --> 00:07:39,558
Do you have AAA?
141
00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:42,762
I have Mercedes Gold Platinum Valet
something or other.
142
00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:44,736
So? Won't they come help us?
143
00:07:45,408 --> 00:07:49,640
Let's see, will Mercedes come out
to put gas in an '89 Volvo?
144
00:07:49,813 --> 00:07:51,337
Let me call them to ask.
145
00:07:53,316 --> 00:07:55,784
You're actually waiting for me to call,
aren't you?
146
00:07:57,821 --> 00:07:59,584
No.
147
00:08:01,124 --> 00:08:03,285
Come on. We'll just have to hoof it.
148
00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:06,452
I'm supposed to leave my car
abandoned on the side of the road?
149
00:08:06,629 --> 00:08:08,290
What if somebody tries to steal it?
150
00:08:08,832 --> 00:08:12,666
Good thinking. Leave the keys,
gas money and a thank-you note.
151
00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:17,203
Spoken like someone with insurance.
152
00:08:21,911 --> 00:08:24,812
Ugh. My feet are killing me.
153
00:08:24,981 --> 00:08:28,314
Well, that's what you get for wearing
those expensive Italian loafers.
154
00:08:28,485 --> 00:08:31,977
- They're just not made for walking.
- You're right.
155
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:38,018
- Hi, Charlie.
- Chels?
156
00:08:38,528 --> 00:08:41,326
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
you look like a '70s porn star.
157
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:45,595
I'm guessing.
158
00:08:53,543 --> 00:08:54,908
What are you doing here?
159
00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:56,636
I needed to talk to you.
160
00:08:56,813 --> 00:08:58,804
Okay, what's up?
161
00:08:59,416 --> 00:09:00,747
Um...
162
00:09:01,184 --> 00:09:04,119
Oh, uh... Come on, Jake.
Let's give them some privacy.
163
00:09:04,287 --> 00:09:07,256
Why? Do you think
they're gonna do it on the couch?
164
00:09:11,761 --> 00:09:13,956
Okay, here it is.
165
00:09:16,466 --> 00:09:19,799
Seeing you tonight made me realize
how much I miss you.
166
00:09:20,070 --> 00:09:21,196
Really?
167
00:09:21,771 --> 00:09:22,795
Do you miss me?
168
00:09:22,972 --> 00:09:26,169
Oh, yeah.
He's been crying like a little girl.
169
00:09:26,342 --> 00:09:30,210
- Will you go away?
- What? I'm on your side.
170
00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,178
Well, I can see
nothing's changed around here.
171
00:09:34,350 --> 00:09:36,648
Well, just that you're gone.
172
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:40,551
And yes, I do miss you
and I have been crying like a little girl.
173
00:09:40,723 --> 00:09:42,020
Good.
174
00:09:44,027 --> 00:09:45,824
So, what've you been up to?
175
00:09:47,197 --> 00:09:50,655
Not much. How do you like living
with your dad and his boyfriend?
176
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,134
- It's a little weird.
- I can imagine.
177
00:09:53,303 --> 00:09:55,498
Two old Navy guys shacking up.
178
00:09:57,507 --> 00:09:58,735
The walls are pretty thin.
179
00:10:01,377 --> 00:10:04,835
Every night I'm hearing,
"Up periscope, down periscope.
180
00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:09,683
Launch the torpedo."
181
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,382
Enough idle chitchat.
What's the deal with you and Brad?
182
00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:17,117
He's great, but it's just not the same.
183
00:10:18,027 --> 00:10:19,756
Have you two, uh?
184
00:10:20,363 --> 00:10:22,831
- No.
- Oh.
185
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:24,660
[CHUCKLES]
186
00:10:25,902 --> 00:10:28,234
Wipe that smile off your face.
187
00:10:28,404 --> 00:10:30,167
You wipe it off.
188
00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:37,336
You're gonna have to do
better than that.
189
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:46,420
- One question.
- Yeah?
190
00:10:46,589 --> 00:10:48,056
What was with the mustache?
191
00:10:48,892 --> 00:10:52,589
When I'm out with Alan,
I don't like people to recognize me.
192
00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:57,097
Hey, they are doing it on the couch.
193
00:11:00,203 --> 00:11:02,637
So, what's the deal
with Uncle Charlie and Chelsea?
194
00:11:02,805 --> 00:11:05,797
Are they like back together
or was that just a booty call?
195
00:11:06,209 --> 00:11:10,669
- What do you know about booty calls?
- In theory, everything.
196
00:11:13,483 --> 00:11:15,314
Oh, crap.
197
00:11:15,485 --> 00:11:18,045
- What?
- Just a little disappointed.
198
00:11:18,221 --> 00:11:20,781
I saw Chelsea's car outside,
I didn't see yours.
199
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:27,386
She spent the night.
We don't know if they're back together...
200
00:11:27,564 --> 00:11:29,794
...or if they're just scratching
the old itch.
201
00:11:29,966 --> 00:11:33,060
- What do you know about the "old itch"?
- It's intercourse, Dad.
202
00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:35,796
Why do we play these games?
203
00:11:38,641 --> 00:11:39,767
Good morning, all.
204
00:11:39,943 --> 00:11:41,740
ALL:
Morning.
205
00:11:48,851 --> 00:11:51,342
- What?
- Come on, give.
206
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:53,250
There's nothing to give.
207
00:11:53,423 --> 00:11:56,119
She came by,
said she misses me, spent the night.
208
00:11:56,292 --> 00:11:58,157
Yay.
209
00:11:59,495 --> 00:12:01,963
- So is she moving back in?
- Is the wedding back on?
210
00:12:02,131 --> 00:12:04,429
Or was it just
making the beast with two backs?
211
00:12:06,502 --> 00:12:08,629
What is wrong with you?
212
00:12:09,539 --> 00:12:11,530
I'm at an awkward age.
213
00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:15,477
- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.
214
00:12:15,645 --> 00:12:17,340
- Morning.
- Hey, you want coffee?
215
00:12:17,513 --> 00:12:19,344
I have to get home
and change for work.
216
00:12:19,515 --> 00:12:21,107
- Oh, okay.
- Can we talk?
217
00:12:21,284 --> 00:12:22,649
Sure.
218
00:12:23,286 --> 00:12:24,719
Oh, that's never good.
219
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:27,947
- How do you know?
- That's what mom said to you.
220
00:12:30,159 --> 00:12:33,356
So I'm thinking you grab some things
from your dad's for tonight...
221
00:12:33,529 --> 00:12:35,724
...then we move your stuff back
this weekend.
222
00:12:35,898 --> 00:12:37,889
Charlie, I'm not coming back tonight.
223
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,501
Well, why not?
Last night was good, right?
224
00:12:40,670 --> 00:12:43,798
It was great,
but it doesn't solve our problems.
225
00:12:44,173 --> 00:12:46,539
It sure solved mine.
226
00:12:47,577 --> 00:12:51,741
It's not that I don't love you, but I'm still
not sure that we have a future together.
227
00:12:51,914 --> 00:12:53,677
Chels, you're freaking me out here.
228
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:56,512
- I've gotta go.
- No. Come on, wait.
229
00:12:56,686 --> 00:13:00,178
- Oh. I found your mustache.
- Where was it?
230
00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:02,881
Where do you think it was?
It was stuck to my ass.
231
00:13:14,737 --> 00:13:16,534
Hey.
232
00:13:16,706 --> 00:13:18,503
Hey.
233
00:13:19,676 --> 00:13:21,576
Feel like talking?
234
00:13:21,911 --> 00:13:25,074
- No, I do not.
- Understandable.
235
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:31,319
You gotta admit, you're in a better place
now than you were this time last night.
236
00:13:32,255 --> 00:13:36,055
I mean, 24 hours ago, the woman you
love was out on a date with another man.
237
00:13:36,225 --> 00:13:40,753
But presto chango, she wound up
spending the night with you.
238
00:13:40,930 --> 00:13:45,367
Of course, come the morning, once again
she dropped you like a lead turd.
239
00:13:48,571 --> 00:13:49,595
Sorry.
240
00:13:50,773 --> 00:13:52,866
You didn't wanna talk.
241
00:13:57,714 --> 00:13:59,739
Me, I'm just the opposite.
242
00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:02,410
When I get my heart broken,
I have to talk.
243
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:06,214
You cannot shut me up.
Yak, yak, yak, yak.
244
00:14:11,961 --> 00:14:13,485
Sorry.
245
00:14:18,668 --> 00:14:22,764
I've tried to be the strong silent type,
but, you know, it's just not who I am.
246
00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:25,635
I mean, not to mention
there's physical manifestations...
247
00:14:25,808 --> 00:14:30,245
...to bottling up your feelings.
I mean, constipation, migraines.
248
00:14:30,413 --> 00:14:34,179
Or it goes the other way, gas, diarrhea.
249
00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:36,746
You just cannot predict it.
250
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,285
It's kind of an emotional crapshoot.
251
00:14:40,623 --> 00:14:41,920
[CHUCKLES]
252
00:14:45,428 --> 00:14:47,191
Crapshoot.
253
00:14:47,997 --> 00:14:50,465
That just came to me.
Right off the top of my head.
254
00:14:52,468 --> 00:14:53,696
Got it.
255
00:14:58,007 --> 00:14:59,770
But you are lucky.
256
00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:02,807
You've got your music
to express your feelings.
257
00:15:02,979 --> 00:15:06,415
I mean, you could play the blues,
for instance.
258
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,544
[SINGING]
Bum, buh, duh, duh
259
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,347
My baby done left me
260
00:15:14,690 --> 00:15:16,681
Bum, buh, duh, duh
261
00:15:16,859 --> 00:15:18,622
She ain't coming back
262
00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:25,831
Bum, buh, duh, duh
263
00:15:26,335 --> 00:15:27,359
What's going on?
264
00:15:27,804 --> 00:15:29,431
[SINGING]
I'm smothering your daddy
265
00:15:29,605 --> 00:15:31,869
Bum, buh, duh, duh
266
00:15:41,784 --> 00:15:43,012
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
267
00:15:43,519 --> 00:15:47,182
I'm just saying it seems like every time
it's my turn to pick up the crap...
268
00:15:47,356 --> 00:15:48,823
...he's got the runs.
269
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:51,186
So stop feeding him chili.
270
00:15:52,595 --> 00:15:54,153
- Oh, hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Charlie.
271
00:15:54,330 --> 00:15:55,490
Hey, Tom. Ed.
272
00:15:55,665 --> 00:15:56,825
You looking for Chelsea?
273
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:00,196
No, he came to see
two old queens walking a dog.
274
00:16:00,369 --> 00:16:03,395
Who you calling a queen, Elizabeth?
275
00:16:03,573 --> 00:16:06,872
TOM: She's not here, Charlie.
- She went to dinner with that Brad guy.
276
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:08,067
Oh.
277
00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:11,371
- Wanna come in? Have a beer?
- No, I don't wanna bother you guys.
278
00:16:11,547 --> 00:16:13,208
Don't be silly, come on.
279
00:16:13,382 --> 00:16:15,373
Okay. Thanks.
280
00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:20,346
- You had to tell him she's with Brad?
- What, I'm supposed to lie?
281
00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:24,050
No, but you can dummy up.
I mean, look at the poor bastard.
282
00:16:26,762 --> 00:16:29,424
Yeah. Jeez, I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
283
00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:32,534
"I wasn't thinking."
That should be your middle name.
284
00:16:33,002 --> 00:16:36,870
Don't be getting in my face
when I'm holding a bag of poop.
285
00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:43,643
- I'll grab some brews.
- Chelsea told me about last night.
286
00:16:43,813 --> 00:16:46,748
I don't understand it, Tom.
I thought we were back together.
287
00:16:46,916 --> 00:16:49,544
Yeah, well,
you can't make sense out of a woman.
288
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:52,210
They're like beautiful puzzles
with missing pieces...
289
00:16:52,388 --> 00:16:54,379
...or a great book with no ending.
290
00:16:54,557 --> 00:16:58,323
Or like my old man used to say,
"They're all frigging nuts."
291
00:17:00,396 --> 00:17:03,797
I don't know what to do. Should I
leave her alone? Should I pursue her?
292
00:17:03,966 --> 00:17:09,427
If I might chime in, I would say
that stopping by unannounced...
293
00:17:09,605 --> 00:17:14,440
...with some liquor-store flowers
sends up a rather desperate flare.
294
00:17:14,844 --> 00:17:16,311
I know. I know.
295
00:17:16,479 --> 00:17:20,142
I just couldn't sit home and do nothing.
I keep turning it over in my mind.
296
00:17:20,316 --> 00:17:23,080
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done differently?
297
00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:27,018
Man, how many times did I ask myself
that question when I was married?
298
00:17:27,189 --> 00:17:28,315
Me too.
299
00:17:28,491 --> 00:17:32,587
What do we got between the two of us?
Something like 80 years of marriage?
300
00:17:32,762 --> 00:17:37,324
Let's see, I was with Beth for 38
and you were with Martha for 40, 41...
301
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,367
I didn't need you
to actually do the math.
302
00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:43,038
Don't bark at me.
I'll beat the snot out of you.
303
00:17:43,205 --> 00:17:45,503
Bring it on, mister.
304
00:17:47,176 --> 00:17:48,336
Maybe I should go.
305
00:17:48,511 --> 00:17:50,479
No, no, no. Sit down, finish your beer.
306
00:17:50,646 --> 00:17:53,843
- We're just sparring.
- I love this broken-down son of a bitch.
307
00:17:54,016 --> 00:17:57,452
Oh, for God's sake,
don't gay it up in front of company.
308
00:17:57,954 --> 00:17:59,649
Now, you listen to me, young man.
309
00:17:59,822 --> 00:18:03,451
In the final analysis, it doesn't matter
what you did or didn't do.
310
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:04,820
You want Chelsea back?
311
00:18:04,994 --> 00:18:07,861
You've gotta make her miss you
like she did last night.
312
00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:11,193
She's not gonna miss you
if you're squatting in her living room...
313
00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:13,028
...with those sad-ass petunias.
314
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:16,399
So what? I'm supposed to just
go about my business...
315
00:18:16,606 --> 00:18:19,074
...hoping one day she shows up
and says "I'm back"?
316
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:21,209
Or you can do like me and Ed did.
317
00:18:21,377 --> 00:18:23,709
Change teams.
318
00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:27,311
A lot easier living with a man
than a woman.
319
00:18:27,984 --> 00:18:31,147
Tom and I watch the same TV shows,
we like the same food.
320
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,311
You don't have to leave the room
to fart.
321
00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:37,186
You don't have to,
but it sure would be a nice idea.
322
00:18:39,629 --> 00:18:44,066
Okay, well, thanks, fellas.
This was real helpful.
323
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:47,365
- We're always here for you, Charlie.
- Thank you.
324
00:18:47,536 --> 00:18:50,334
- Don't tell Chelsea I stopped by.
- I wouldn't dream of it.
325
00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:52,940
Remember what we told you.
Lay low for a while.
326
00:18:53,142 --> 00:18:56,134
- Run silent, run deep.
- There you go.
327
00:19:00,683 --> 00:19:02,207
Well, what do you think?
328
00:19:02,385 --> 00:19:05,877
Watch SportsCenter
and then fool around a little?
329
00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:10,084
You need to take a Viagra?
330
00:19:10,693 --> 00:19:12,126
You're my Viagra, baby.
331
00:19:12,294 --> 00:19:14,728
Aww. That's so sweet.
332
00:19:14,897 --> 00:19:16,762
Just for that, you can hold the remote.
333
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:29,268
Hey.
334
00:19:29,445 --> 00:19:32,676
Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.
Just grabbing a water.
335
00:19:32,848 --> 00:19:35,442
No, no, no. It's fine. Come on, join me.
336
00:19:40,923 --> 00:19:41,947
Really?
337
00:19:42,124 --> 00:19:44,115
Yeah. Sit down.
338
00:19:45,728 --> 00:19:47,662
Okay.
339
00:19:49,065 --> 00:19:50,464
[SIGHS]
340
00:19:51,967 --> 00:19:57,132
Listen, I wanna apologize for,
you know...
341
00:19:57,306 --> 00:19:59,638
Trying to kill me with a pillow?
342
00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:03,679
It was horseplay,
don't make a big thing about it.
343
00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:07,680
What I'm saying is that
I know you were trying to cheer me up...
344
00:20:07,850 --> 00:20:09,010
...and I appreciate it.
345
00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,750
Thank you.
346
00:20:12,655 --> 00:20:17,251
I realize that I give you a hard time
about living here...
347
00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:23,228
...but frankly, it's probably a good thing
for me to have you around.
348
00:20:25,234 --> 00:20:30,536
Wow. Charlie, that means so much
to hear you say that.
349
00:20:31,774 --> 00:20:33,469
Well...
350
00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:38,080
I do... I do love you, buddy.
351
00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:42,981
And I love you too.
352
00:20:45,054 --> 00:20:46,351
I know, I know.
353
00:20:46,522 --> 00:20:49,491
ALAN:
I don't want this moment to ever end.
354
00:20:52,194 --> 00:20:53,218
Okay.
355
00:20:53,395 --> 00:20:55,863
I mean it. I am not letting go.
356
00:20:56,499 --> 00:20:59,900
Well, you're gonna have to
because it's starting to get a little weird.
357
00:21:00,069 --> 00:21:03,095
We don't need women,
we've got each other.
358
00:21:03,939 --> 00:21:07,136
All right, you brought this on yourself.
359
00:21:08,611 --> 00:21:13,048
Don't worry,
I'll wait for you on the other side.
360
00:21:40,743 --> 00:21:42,734
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]