1
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:11,414
CHELSEA: First box goes in my car,
the other in the truck.

2
00:00:14,319 --> 00:00:15,684
Guess that's it.

3
00:00:16,187 --> 00:00:18,314
- You got everything?
- I think so.

4
00:00:18,490 --> 00:00:22,221
I left the house keys and
the garage clicker by the nightstand.

5
00:00:22,660 --> 00:00:24,218
Thanks.

6
00:00:24,396 --> 00:00:27,058
So you still planning
to move in with your dad?

7
00:00:27,232 --> 00:00:28,665
Just for a while.

8
00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:32,166
- You gonna be okay?
- Me? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

9
00:00:32,337 --> 00:00:34,737
I mean, I am gonna miss the cat.

10
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,337
You hate Sir Lancelot.

11
00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:39,073
I did at first,
but over time I came to find...

12
00:00:39,244 --> 00:00:41,872
Yeah, you're right, I hate that thing.

13
00:00:42,447 --> 00:00:44,847
I put in a change of address
at the post office...

14
00:00:45,016 --> 00:00:47,143
...but here's my address just in case.

15
00:00:47,318 --> 00:00:48,717
I might be open to a trade.

16
00:00:48,887 --> 00:00:50,548
I'll keep the cat, you take Alan.

17
00:00:51,489 --> 00:00:53,354
Still got his carrier.

18
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:56,454
- Take care of yourself, Charlie.
- You do the same.

19
00:01:01,232 --> 00:01:02,631
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

20
00:01:04,002 --> 00:01:05,560
Me too.

21
00:01:07,005 --> 00:01:08,996
[DOOR CLOSES]

22
00:01:14,846 --> 00:01:17,041
Well, she's gone.

23
00:01:17,415 --> 00:01:18,939
You handled that very maturely.

24
00:01:19,384 --> 00:01:21,113
What are you gonna do?

25
00:01:21,286 --> 00:01:24,653
We tried, it didn't work. Life goes on.

26
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:25,881
You want a drink?

27
00:01:26,057 --> 00:01:28,321
No, drinking isn't gonna
solve anything.

28
00:01:30,895 --> 00:01:32,123
What are you doing?

29
00:01:32,297 --> 00:01:33,559
CHARLIE:
Nothing.

30
00:01:33,731 --> 00:01:36,564
Really? Doesn't look like nothing.

31
00:01:37,135 --> 00:01:38,159
Where you going?

32
00:01:39,737 --> 00:01:41,466
Out for a swim.

33
00:01:41,673 --> 00:01:43,072
You never go in the water.

34
00:01:43,241 --> 00:01:45,732
That's because
I'm not a good swimmer.

35
00:01:47,712 --> 00:01:50,977
- You don't think he's gonna...
- I don't know.

36
00:01:51,749 --> 00:01:54,217
Charlie? Charlie, stop this!

37
00:01:54,385 --> 00:01:56,615
Charlie, come back, it's not that bad!

38
00:01:56,788 --> 00:01:58,949
Come on, Charlie,
you still got your family!

39
00:01:59,124 --> 00:02:01,922
Very smart, now he's sprinting.

40
00:02:02,627 --> 00:02:05,790
Damn it, Charlie, get out of that water!

41
00:02:05,964 --> 00:02:07,363
We need to go after him.

42
00:02:07,532 --> 00:02:10,660
Well, don't look at me.
I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.

43
00:02:10,835 --> 00:02:13,827
I just washed my hair
and this is leave-in conditioner.

44
00:02:14,005 --> 00:02:15,870
- What about Jake?
- At his mother's.

45
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,167
- Maybe we should give him a call.
- There's no time.

46
00:02:18,877 --> 00:02:22,244
CHARLIE:
Water's really cold.

47
00:02:23,281 --> 00:02:26,808
Just so you know,
we were about to come get you.

48
00:02:26,985 --> 00:02:28,976
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN"
THEME]

49
00:02:55,380 --> 00:02:56,745
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

50
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,610
ALAN:
Charlie?

51
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:01,341
You awake?

52
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,281
Come on, man, it's time to get up.

53
00:03:11,029 --> 00:03:12,724
Charlie?

54
00:03:14,465 --> 00:03:16,456
- What?
- Aah!

55
00:03:20,705 --> 00:03:22,639
I didn't see you there.

56
00:03:23,474 --> 00:03:26,136
She was the best thing
that ever happened to me, Alan.

57
00:03:26,544 --> 00:03:29,672
I understand,
but you've been up here for two days.

58
00:03:30,348 --> 00:03:32,111
It's time to move on with your life.

59
00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:34,444
There's no life to move on with.

60
00:03:34,619 --> 00:03:35,745
Well, sure there is.

61
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:40,152
You've got money, a beautiful home,
good looks, all your hair...

62
00:03:40,325 --> 00:03:43,522
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have all the things you don't.

63
00:03:43,695 --> 00:03:47,529
That wasn't really the point
I was trying to make, but, uh...

64
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:50,493
Come on.

65
00:03:50,668 --> 00:03:51,726
Come on.

66
00:03:51,903 --> 00:03:55,168
- Where are we going?
- We are going to get you cleaned up.

67
00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,672
No. No, I can't go in there.

68
00:03:57,842 --> 00:03:59,503
It reminds me too much of Chelsea.

69
00:04:00,044 --> 00:04:01,068
The bathroom?

70
00:04:01,246 --> 00:04:04,943
That's where she used to brush her hair
and floss her teeth...

71
00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:07,243
...and tinkle like a princess.

72
00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:11,314
Okay, well,
where have you been tinkling?

73
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,517
I may need a new ficus.

74
00:04:19,931 --> 00:04:21,956
I'm glad you came with me.

75
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,500
You needed to get out of the house.

76
00:04:24,669 --> 00:04:27,661
No, what I need is to be loved again.

77
00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:32,902
Uh, well, I think a good first step
is to stop urinating in the potted plants.

78
00:04:34,145 --> 00:04:36,841
Jake, your dad's here.

79
00:04:37,515 --> 00:04:41,110
Charlie, I was so sorry
to hear about you and Chelsea.

80
00:04:41,286 --> 00:04:42,412
Thank you.

81
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:46,278
I know that breakups
can be very difficult.

82
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:48,925
Unless you're kicking out
your husband of 12 years.

83
00:04:49,093 --> 00:04:50,720
That seemed remarkably easy.

84
00:04:50,895 --> 00:04:52,260
It was.

85
00:04:54,399 --> 00:04:57,391
You know the part
that I don't understand, Judith...

86
00:04:57,568 --> 00:05:00,230
...is how somebody can tell you
they love you one day...

87
00:05:00,405 --> 00:05:03,465
...then turn around
and break your heart the next.

88
00:05:03,641 --> 00:05:07,099
Well, relationships are complicated.
People drift apart.

89
00:05:07,278 --> 00:05:10,270
- Nobody's to blame.
- You blamed me.

90
00:05:10,448 --> 00:05:11,813
It was your fault.

91
00:05:13,718 --> 00:05:18,178
I tried to change, tried to become
the man she wanted me to be...

92
00:05:18,356 --> 00:05:19,618
...but it wasn't enough.

93
00:05:20,258 --> 00:05:23,750
Oh, I'm sure there's a part of her
that still loves you very much.

94
00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,330
There a part of you that still loves me?

95
00:05:26,497 --> 00:05:27,623
No.

96
00:05:30,702 --> 00:05:31,999
What's wrong with him?

97
00:05:32,170 --> 00:05:34,229
Your uncle's very upset
about his breakup.

98
00:05:34,772 --> 00:05:35,796
Oh, yeah, that sucks.

99
00:05:35,973 --> 00:05:37,804
Can I drive?

100
00:05:37,975 --> 00:05:39,272
- Sure.
- Cool.

101
00:05:39,444 --> 00:05:41,469
Let's go, crybaby.

102
00:05:53,157 --> 00:05:54,351
Hi.

103
00:05:54,525 --> 00:05:57,153
Yeah, hey, kind of busy here.

104
00:05:58,129 --> 00:05:59,289
I can see that.

105
00:05:59,464 --> 00:06:01,955
- Hi, I'm Jake's Uncle Charlie.
- Nicole.

106
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:05,296
What's the deal, Nicole,
are you tutoring our little genius here?

107
00:06:05,837 --> 00:06:07,099
No, we're dating.

108
00:06:07,271 --> 00:06:09,831
- Oh. Dating?
- Uncle Charlie?

109
00:06:10,007 --> 00:06:11,634
Hang on.

110
00:06:12,477 --> 00:06:16,004
Listen, Nicole, I love this kid
and I don't wanna see him get hurt.

111
00:06:16,347 --> 00:06:18,542
- I'm not gonna hurt him.
- Oh, really?

112
00:06:18,716 --> 00:06:21,480
You like him the way he is?
You don't wanna change him?

113
00:06:21,819 --> 00:06:24,686
- Uncle Charlie...
- I got your back here, buddy.

114
00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:29,654
Because let me tell you something.
This, here, is a lump of clay.

115
00:06:31,195 --> 00:06:33,857
You know what it's gonna
be five, 10, 20 years from now?

116
00:06:34,031 --> 00:06:36,727
A larger, more bitter lump of clay.

117
00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:38,334
- Come on, let's go.
- Whoa, whoa.

118
00:06:38,503 --> 00:06:39,993
Whoa, I'm not done.

119
00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:42,036
If you're gonna dump him,
dump him now.

120
00:06:42,206 --> 00:06:46,142
Don't wait till he falls in love, asks you
to marry him and have his children.

121
00:06:47,945 --> 00:06:49,845
Okay, enjoy yourselves.

122
00:06:54,252 --> 00:06:55,879
Are you out of your mind?

123
00:06:56,554 --> 00:06:58,021
I mean well.

124
00:06:59,457 --> 00:07:02,551
- Maybe it's time to go to your shrink.
- She's another woman...

125
00:07:02,727 --> 00:07:05,355
...that wants to change me.
- You have to do something.

126
00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:07,521
No. No.

127
00:07:07,765 --> 00:07:09,858
If I can't have Chelsea,
I don't wanna live.

128
00:07:10,034 --> 00:07:12,969
- Where you going?
- Strip club.

129
00:07:15,039 --> 00:07:17,701
Ah, yes, death by lap dance.

130
00:07:46,637 --> 00:07:49,800
Hey, Lord, it's Charlie.

131
00:07:49,974 --> 00:07:54,001
I know it seems like I only call on you
when my ass is on fire.

132
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:58,239
But, well, let's face it,
that's how you made me.

133
00:07:59,016 --> 00:08:03,146
Anyway, I'm just hurting
real bad since Chelsea left...

134
00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:05,789
...and I was kind of hoping
that maybe you could...

135
00:08:05,957 --> 00:08:08,016
...take away some of that pain.

136
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:11,787
Even with the help of your blessed wine,
I can't get through the day.

137
00:08:11,963 --> 00:08:14,830
Even your blessed vodka's
stopped working.

138
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:20,299
So anything you can do
would be much appreciated.

139
00:08:20,838 --> 00:08:21,964
WOMAN:
Hey.

140
00:08:22,139 --> 00:08:24,437
You got a light?

141
00:08:24,976 --> 00:08:28,309
I like a little buzz before I pray.
Gets me closer to God.

142
00:08:29,847 --> 00:08:31,747
Thanks.

143
00:08:37,154 --> 00:08:38,178
[ALAN SIGHS]

144
00:08:38,356 --> 00:08:40,688
Come on, Charlie, answer the phone.

145
00:08:40,858 --> 00:08:42,689
Oh, damn it, voicemail.

146
00:08:42,860 --> 00:08:45,488
Uh, Charlie, it's me again.
It has been three days.

147
00:08:45,663 --> 00:08:48,154
Please call
and let us know you're okay.

148
00:08:48,332 --> 00:08:49,356
[ALAN SIGHS]

149
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:51,661
- I think we should call the police.
- No, he'll turn up.

150
00:08:52,036 --> 00:08:54,027
May be broke and riddled
with gonorrhea...

151
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:55,832
...but he'll find his way home.

152
00:08:56,007 --> 00:08:58,567
No, I don't think
this is a typical bender.

153
00:08:58,743 --> 00:09:00,074
He really cared for Chelsea.

154
00:09:00,545 --> 00:09:02,206
You know, he put her in his will.

155
00:09:03,014 --> 00:09:05,312
Anything happens to him,
she gets everything.

156
00:09:05,483 --> 00:09:08,077
Really? So like if he swam out
in the ocean...

157
00:09:08,252 --> 00:09:10,584
...and drowned, for instance,
she gets the house?

158
00:09:11,188 --> 00:09:14,419
The house, the Mercedes,
the bank accounts, the music royalties.

159
00:09:14,592 --> 00:09:16,150
Man, I just can't catch a break.

160
00:09:18,763 --> 00:09:21,493
Hey, look what someone threw away.

161
00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:25,001
Put that back outside.
And wash your hands.

162
00:09:27,505 --> 00:09:29,268
Welcome to your new home, baby.

163
00:09:32,510 --> 00:09:33,704
Hey, everybody.

164
00:09:33,878 --> 00:09:36,745
I want you to meet the love of my life,
Mrs. Charlie Harper.

165
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:42,177
Better put me down.
I'm not wearing panties.

166
00:09:42,753 --> 00:09:45,847
I told you he'd come home
with gonorrhea.

167
00:09:46,457 --> 00:09:48,516
All right, who's who?

168
00:09:48,693 --> 00:09:51,389
Well, this is my brother Alan.
Alan, Betsy.

169
00:09:51,562 --> 00:09:53,359
Hello, brother.

170
00:09:54,031 --> 00:09:56,295
- Call me Alan.
- Okay.

171
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,731
He doesn't look like such a mooch.

172
00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:01,133
Okay, well, this is my mom, Evelyn...

173
00:10:01,305 --> 00:10:03,967
...and she doesn't look
like such an Antichrist.

174
00:10:04,442 --> 00:10:05,568
Hi, Mom.

175
00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:06,767
[BETSY & EVELYN CHUCKLING]

176
00:10:06,944 --> 00:10:08,741
Call me Mrs. Harper.

177
00:10:10,314 --> 00:10:12,908
- This is my housekeeper, Berta.
- Don't call me at all.

178
00:10:14,118 --> 00:10:15,745
And lastly, this is Jake.

179
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:16,944
[BETSY GASPS]

180
00:10:17,121 --> 00:10:19,385
Oh, are you my son?

181
00:10:20,458 --> 00:10:22,824
I'll be whatever you want me to be.

182
00:10:25,062 --> 00:10:28,156
- Actually, he's my son.
- Butt out, Dad.

183
00:10:28,599 --> 00:10:31,124
Well, you've met everybody.

184
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,793
Why don't we go upstairs
and continue the honeymoon?

185
00:10:33,971 --> 00:10:36,769
- We have got an upstairs?
CHARLIE: Yep.

186
00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:40,141
Are there people up here too?

187
00:10:43,581 --> 00:10:45,412
I like her.

188
00:10:50,154 --> 00:10:51,678
- Hey, Dad?
- Mm-hm.

189
00:10:52,123 --> 00:10:54,819
Do I call Uncle Charlie's new wife
Betsy or Aunt Betsy?

190
00:10:54,992 --> 00:10:56,653
I guess either one's okay.

191
00:10:56,827 --> 00:10:59,955
- I'm gonna go with Aunt Betsy.
- Fine.

192
00:11:00,131 --> 00:11:02,929
Aunt Betsy made
a lot of noise last night.

193
00:11:04,101 --> 00:11:05,466
Uh, yeah. Yeah, she did.

194
00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:08,298
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not complaining.

195
00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:11,699
Good morning, family.

196
00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:13,343
ALAN & JAKE: Morning.
- How we doing today?

197
00:11:13,511 --> 00:11:15,172
- Good.
- Good.

198
00:11:15,346 --> 00:11:19,180
Will Aunt Betsy be joining us
or is she taking a hot, soapy shower?

199
00:11:20,284 --> 00:11:21,342
She'll be right down.

200
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,350
So based on
this latest turn of events...

201
00:11:25,523 --> 00:11:28,686
...would it be fair to say
you're over Chelsea?

202
00:11:29,393 --> 00:11:31,554
Oh, absolutely.

203
00:11:31,762 --> 00:11:33,559
Betsy and I are soul mates.

204
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:35,231
Soul mates? Uh-huh.

205
00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:38,334
- So, where'd you meet your soul mate?
- Guess.

206
00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:41,728
- Strip club?
- Wrong.

207
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:45,535
- Massage parlor?
- Wrong.

208
00:11:46,911 --> 00:11:48,242
Okay, I give up.

209
00:11:48,412 --> 00:11:51,210
Betsy and I met in church.

210
00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:52,576
So, what, she's a nun?

211
00:11:53,084 --> 00:11:55,848
No, she's a stripper
and part-time masseuse.

212
00:11:56,487 --> 00:11:59,479
See, I drove to the strip club,
but the parking lot was full...

213
00:11:59,657 --> 00:12:01,887
...so I circled the block
looking for a spot...

214
00:12:02,059 --> 00:12:05,028
...and found one right in front
of this little church.

215
00:12:05,196 --> 00:12:07,892
For some reason, I don't know why,
I got out of my car...

216
00:12:08,065 --> 00:12:09,999
...walked into church, started praying.

217
00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:13,068
- Are you saying God sent you Betsy?
- I think he did.

218
00:12:13,237 --> 00:12:15,865
Oh, Dad, we gotta get our asses
to church.

219
00:12:17,608 --> 00:12:19,769
Then when I'm done,
I get up to leave...

220
00:12:19,944 --> 00:12:24,176
...and she appears in front of me
like some kind of vanilla-scented angel.

221
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,245
Mm, vanilla.

222
00:12:26,817 --> 00:12:30,583
So we get to talking, turns out she's
going through a difficult time as well.

223
00:12:30,755 --> 00:12:34,589
Next thing, we're cleaning out her locker
at the club and driving to Vegas.

224
00:12:35,025 --> 00:12:36,549
Where you got married.

225
00:12:37,261 --> 00:12:40,753
I understand your skepticism,
but I'm telling you, this girl is special.

226
00:12:40,931 --> 00:12:43,297
She's really sweet and spiritual.

227
00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:46,265
BETSY: Charlie?
- In here, baby.

228
00:12:46,871 --> 00:12:48,031
Good news, bad news.

229
00:12:48,205 --> 00:12:49,968
I got my period.

230
00:12:50,141 --> 00:12:52,234
Oh, that's okay. We can take a break.

231
00:12:52,409 --> 00:12:53,433
We don't have to.

232
00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,977
There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

233
00:12:56,981 --> 00:12:59,541
Oh, you are so wonderful.

234
00:12:59,984 --> 00:13:02,817
- What are the other ways?
- Shh. Uh...

235
00:13:02,987 --> 00:13:05,080
Can I talk to you in private
for a minute?

236
00:13:05,256 --> 00:13:07,315
Sure. Bets, coffee's right there.

237
00:13:07,491 --> 00:13:10,153
- You just make yourself at home.
- Okay.

238
00:13:10,361 --> 00:13:13,455
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Mom.

239
00:13:13,931 --> 00:13:18,095
I was gonna do a little topless
sunbathing, you're welcome to join me.

240
00:13:20,004 --> 00:13:23,804
Okay, not to put too fine a point on it,
but you're out of your mind.

241
00:13:23,974 --> 00:13:27,910
You need to call a lawyer and get
this marriage annulled immediately.

242
00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:30,770
- I knew you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, I understand.

243
00:13:30,948 --> 00:13:33,610
I understand you're still reeling
from losing Chelsea...

244
00:13:33,784 --> 00:13:37,117
...and you're trying to fill the void
with a menstruating pole dancer.

245
00:13:37,288 --> 00:13:39,483
Hey, hey, that's my wife
you're talking about.

246
00:13:39,657 --> 00:13:41,454
You don't know anything about her.

247
00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:44,753
I know I love her and she loves me
for exactly who I am.

248
00:13:44,929 --> 00:13:48,194
- She doesn't want to change me.
- Oh, stop it.

249
00:13:50,301 --> 00:13:53,031
Okay, you get one of those.

250
00:13:53,204 --> 00:13:55,672
Next time, that hand comes back
a bloody stump.

251
00:13:56,674 --> 00:13:59,871
- Charlie, please, I'm begging you.
- No. I'm doing the right thing.

252
00:14:02,046 --> 00:14:03,809
You're lucky you're not a girl.

253
00:14:03,981 --> 00:14:06,779
Having a hoochie
is like owning a vintage car.

254
00:14:06,951 --> 00:14:11,217
Lot of maintenance and once a month,
you gotta put down an oil pan.

255
00:14:14,692 --> 00:14:16,557
Okay, I may have made a mistake.

256
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:25,934
Chelsea?

257
00:14:27,671 --> 00:14:29,536
Hey, Charlie.
What are you doing here?

258
00:14:29,707 --> 00:14:32,505
- I need to see your daughter.
- I'm sorry, she's not here.

259
00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:36,138
- Hi, Charlie. What's going on?
- Ed.

260
00:14:36,313 --> 00:14:38,372
- Know when she'll be back?
- I'm not sure.

261
00:14:38,549 --> 00:14:41,712
She took Skipper for a walk.
You're welcome to come in and wait.

262
00:14:41,886 --> 00:14:43,717
Thank you.

263
00:14:45,890 --> 00:14:48,984
- What are you doing?
- I'm just trying to be polite.

264
00:14:49,159 --> 00:14:51,855
Did you consider that maybe
she doesn't want to see him?

265
00:14:52,029 --> 00:14:54,224
Watch your tone, mister.

266
00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:58,031
Sit, please.

267
00:14:58,736 --> 00:15:01,534
Sorry the place is a mess,
we're still decorating.

268
00:15:01,705 --> 00:15:03,935
I'm decorating, he's critiquing.

269
00:15:04,575 --> 00:15:06,839
What? I can have opinions.

270
00:15:07,011 --> 00:15:10,708
He wants me to just shut up
and be pretty.

271
00:15:12,249 --> 00:15:15,685
So listen, I'm sorry things
didn't pan out with you and Chels.

272
00:15:15,853 --> 00:15:17,184
Yeah, me too.

273
00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:19,515
Relationships can be a lot of work.

274
00:15:19,690 --> 00:15:22,181
Even if you've known someone
for 40 years.

275
00:15:22,359 --> 00:15:23,587
That's right.

276
00:15:23,761 --> 00:15:26,093
People get set
in their pigheaded ways.

277
00:15:27,865 --> 00:15:29,730
You wanna get something
off your chest? Hm?

278
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,128
I'm right here.

279
00:15:32,236 --> 00:15:34,761
You really wanna open
this kettle of fish now?

280
00:15:34,939 --> 00:15:36,770
Oh, yeah, let's open it. Open it up.

281
00:15:36,941 --> 00:15:38,806
Okay.

282
00:15:39,243 --> 00:15:42,940
I'm just saying that two grown men
should be able to pick out a club chair...

283
00:15:43,113 --> 00:15:45,274
...without it turning
into lwo-freaking-Jima.

284
00:15:45,816 --> 00:15:49,252
Well, I'm not the one that thinks
that everything he sets his ass on...

285
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:51,217
...has to be made out of leather.

286
00:15:52,656 --> 00:15:53,714
Lucky for you.

287
00:15:55,592 --> 00:15:57,059
CHELSEA:
Come on, Skipper.

288
00:15:58,495 --> 00:16:01,089
- Charlie.
- I'm sorry to drop in like this.

289
00:16:01,265 --> 00:16:02,789
I just really needed to see you.

290
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:04,931
Okay. What's going on?

291
00:16:05,302 --> 00:16:07,566
- Uh, well...
- Why don't we go...

292
00:16:07,738 --> 00:16:09,137
...and leave these two alone?

293
00:16:09,306 --> 00:16:10,739
ED:
Fine. Fine.

294
00:16:10,908 --> 00:16:14,810
There's no law that says we can't order
the rug later and get two club chairs.

295
00:16:14,979 --> 00:16:18,176
You see, right there.
That's why I love you.

296
00:16:20,918 --> 00:16:22,852
What are you doing here?

297
00:16:23,053 --> 00:16:24,953
Okay, well...

298
00:16:25,122 --> 00:16:30,082
...I don't know how to say this
except just to say it.

299
00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:33,286
I still love you very much
and I miss you like crazy.

300
00:16:33,464 --> 00:16:34,658
I miss you too, Charlie.

301
00:16:34,832 --> 00:16:35,992
Then what are we doing?

302
00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:39,033
Taking time to figure out
if we're meant to be together.

303
00:16:39,203 --> 00:16:41,330
And how the hell
are we supposed to do that?

304
00:16:41,505 --> 00:16:44,440
I don't know. I guess
we should start dating other people.

305
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:46,602
What?

306
00:16:48,212 --> 00:16:51,978
I'm not ready to see other people.

307
00:16:52,649 --> 00:16:55,209
I don't know that I am either,
but we have to try.

308
00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:58,844
Chelsea, I can't even think
about dating right now.

309
00:16:59,723 --> 00:17:02,385
Can I tell you something
I've learned since we split up?

310
00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:04,151
Sure. But first, marry me.

311
00:17:04,495 --> 00:17:06,395
- No.
- Okay, just checking.

312
00:17:06,597 --> 00:17:08,963
Probably some
legal complications anyway.

313
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,693
- What?
- Nothing. Nothing. Go ahead.

314
00:17:12,036 --> 00:17:14,527
I learned that I shouldn't have
tried to change you.

315
00:17:14,705 --> 00:17:16,536
You need someone
who loves you for you.

316
00:17:16,707 --> 00:17:19,540
No, no, no. I need to be changed.

317
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:22,338
There's something seriously wrong
with me.

318
00:17:22,513 --> 00:17:26,381
Please, Chelsea, take me back
and turn me into someone else.

319
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:30,018
- Wasn't a very good argument, was it?
- Nope.

320
00:17:30,888 --> 00:17:34,255
Well, that's the best I got.

321
00:17:36,493 --> 00:17:40,122
Okay. I guess I should get going.

322
00:17:41,198 --> 00:17:42,722
I'm really sorry.

323
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,992
That's all right.

324
00:17:45,169 --> 00:17:47,501
Say goodbye to your dad and Ed
for me.

325
00:17:47,671 --> 00:17:48,729
I will.

326
00:17:49,173 --> 00:17:50,538
They're a really cute couple.

327
00:17:51,508 --> 00:17:53,840
I guess. It's a little weird for me.

328
00:17:54,178 --> 00:17:57,443
Well, sure, you're probably used to
seeing your dad with your mom...

329
00:17:57,648 --> 00:18:00,014
...and not a big, handsome black guy.

330
00:18:01,151 --> 00:18:02,413
He is handsome.

331
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:11,088
Hey, Chels...

332
00:18:11,795 --> 00:18:14,059
...I just want you to know
that if by chance...

333
00:18:14,231 --> 00:18:17,029
...you should do something
crazy and stupid...

334
00:18:17,201 --> 00:18:21,661
...like running off
and marrying some stranger...

335
00:18:22,439 --> 00:18:25,101
...I would forgive you
and take you back with open arms.

336
00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:27,237
- Good to know.
- Seriously.

337
00:18:27,411 --> 00:18:29,641
I wouldn't hold it against you at all.

338
00:18:30,614 --> 00:18:31,638
Thank you.

339
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:34,880
All right then.

340
00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:38,980
- Goodbye.
- Bye.

341
00:18:45,028 --> 00:18:46,052
[TOM CHUCKLES]

342
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:49,597
TOM:
Stop it, Ed, your beard tickles.

343
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:53,432
Come on, Skipper,
time for another walk.

344
00:19:04,948 --> 00:19:07,678
- Uh, Charlie, we've got a little problem.
- What's up?

345
00:19:07,851 --> 00:19:09,785
This is Betsy's husband.

346
00:19:09,953 --> 00:19:11,386
Hello.

347
00:19:12,656 --> 00:19:14,624
- Wanna catch me up?
- Really?

348
00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:17,316
Calling him "Betsy's husband"
didn't do the trick?

349
00:19:18,028 --> 00:19:20,553
She never said anything
about being married.

350
00:19:20,731 --> 00:19:22,460
She never does.

351
00:19:22,633 --> 00:19:24,396
- This has happened before?
- Oh, yes.

352
00:19:24,568 --> 00:19:27,128
Any time I find her ring
inside her diaphragm case...

353
00:19:27,304 --> 00:19:29,795
...I know she's off
on one of her little adventures.

354
00:19:29,973 --> 00:19:30,997
[CHARLIE SCOFFS]

355
00:19:31,175 --> 00:19:33,405
- I don't believe this.
- Why do you put up with it?

356
00:19:33,810 --> 00:19:36,142
Look at me.
I'd rather share a girl like Betsy...

357
00:19:36,313 --> 00:19:39,714
...than have an exclusive relationship
with a box of porn magazines.

358
00:19:40,184 --> 00:19:43,153
I hear you. That would be sad.

359
00:19:44,021 --> 00:19:46,546
- Hey, baby.
CHARLIE & SHERMAN: Hey.

360
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:49,725
Charlie, I'm really sorry.

361
00:19:50,327 --> 00:19:52,386
I was less than honest with you.

362
00:19:53,197 --> 00:19:56,758
Sure. Let's call it "less than honest."

363
00:19:58,368 --> 00:19:59,995
I did enjoy our honeymoon.

364
00:20:00,504 --> 00:20:01,528
Me too.

365
00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:03,673
Ha, ha. We stayed at Bellagio.

366
00:20:04,174 --> 00:20:05,232
Nice.

367
00:20:07,611 --> 00:20:08,771
Oh, we should go.

368
00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:13,707
- Bye.
- Bye.

369
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:18,081
I'll make it up to you in the car.

370
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:22,858
Oh, Betsy,
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

371
00:20:25,062 --> 00:20:26,222
[CHARLIE SIGHS]

372
00:20:26,396 --> 00:20:28,330
How about that?

373
00:20:28,699 --> 00:20:30,633
I guess I'm not married.

374
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:32,859
I guess not.

375
00:20:33,237 --> 00:20:34,568
You know what that means.

376
00:20:34,738 --> 00:20:37,263
Going back to church?

377
00:20:41,078 --> 00:20:44,206
That means I just got three days
of unbelievable sex...

378
00:20:44,381 --> 00:20:46,611
...with no obligations
and no commitment.

379
00:20:47,851 --> 00:20:49,785
Please don't make me slap you again.

380
00:20:51,088 --> 00:20:54,319
No, go ahead.
I think I got one more coming.

381
00:20:55,092 --> 00:20:56,252
That's all right.

382
00:20:56,426 --> 00:20:58,485
I'm happy that things worked out
for you.

383
00:20:58,662 --> 00:21:00,391
Again.

384
00:21:00,564 --> 00:21:01,656
Thanks.

385
00:21:01,865 --> 00:21:05,426
Oh, hey, did I tell you
I won 18 grand in Vegas?

386
00:21:06,670 --> 00:21:07,694
[SLAP]

387
00:21:07,871 --> 00:21:09,463
CHARLIE:
Ouch.

388
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,991
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]