1
00:00:03,975 --> 00:00:04,999
Mm, oh.

2
00:00:05,176 --> 00:00:09,044
And here's another money saver.
If you buy a big bag of irregular socks...

3
00:00:09,214 --> 00:00:12,706
...you can pair up the good ones and use
the cash you save for underwear.

4
00:00:13,985 --> 00:00:15,418
Good to know.

5
00:00:15,587 --> 00:00:19,250
And you can use the leftover misfit
socks for dusting gloves...

6
00:00:19,424 --> 00:00:21,551
...golf club cozies,
even a hand puppet.

7
00:00:22,527 --> 00:00:23,551
A hand puppet?

8
00:00:23,728 --> 00:00:26,925
Oh, sure. A couple of buttons
for eyes and you're ready to go.

9
00:00:27,098 --> 00:00:28,395
Hello, pretty lady.

10
00:00:29,901 --> 00:00:31,528
Funny.

11
00:00:38,510 --> 00:00:40,102
So have you done Internet dating?

12
00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:44,977
All the time. If you're interested, I know
a couple of tricks to weed out the losers.

13
00:00:46,317 --> 00:00:48,376
I'm very interested.

14
00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:52,950
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi.

15
00:00:53,124 --> 00:00:55,388
- Oh, you know him?
- No.

16
00:00:55,894 --> 00:00:56,918
Oh.

17
00:00:57,095 --> 00:01:00,724
Talking to strange women.
Must be drunk.

18
00:01:00,899 --> 00:01:03,925
Anyway, my profile
says that I am a chiropractor...

19
00:01:04,102 --> 00:01:06,662
...but I also do a lot of holistic work.

20
00:01:06,838 --> 00:01:08,772
You know, acupressure,
tissue massage...

21
00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:11,465
...both of which promote a
sense of well-being...

22
00:01:11,643 --> 00:01:15,079
...and also a heightened
sexual sensitivity. Heh.

23
00:01:16,147 --> 00:01:22,017
Assuming, of course, your
sexual sensitivity requires heightening.

24
00:01:23,188 --> 00:01:26,487
I have absolutely no intention
of sleeping with you, Alan.

25
00:01:26,658 --> 00:01:30,992
Whoa. Whoa, where'd that come from?
I'm just talking about my job.

26
00:01:31,162 --> 00:01:32,959
Making conversation.

27
00:01:33,131 --> 00:01:36,430
And when you say "absolutely no
intention," you mean tonight, right?

28
00:01:39,270 --> 00:01:42,364
- You look like you could one of these.
- You're a mind reader.

29
00:01:43,208 --> 00:01:48,043
Excuse me, but I am with this lady
and if she would like another drink...

30
00:01:48,213 --> 00:01:50,647
...I am more than capable
of providing one.

31
00:01:50,815 --> 00:01:53,147
But the dinner's still Dutch.

32
00:01:55,086 --> 00:01:56,849
- What's your name?
- Louanne.

33
00:01:57,021 --> 00:01:58,488
Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus.

34
00:01:58,656 --> 00:02:02,820
All right, all right, fun time's over.
Look, Marcus...

35
00:02:02,994 --> 00:02:06,486
...the lady is on a date with me
and you are intruding.

36
00:02:06,664 --> 00:02:08,131
Ask the lady what she wants.

37
00:02:08,299 --> 00:02:11,200
Not necessary. I can tell you what she
wants and it's not me.

38
00:02:12,403 --> 00:02:16,703
But there's a principle involved and that
is one of poaching another man's gal.

39
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:19,139
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so. Now take a hike.

40
00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:21,175
Just sit down and finish your peanuts.

41
00:02:21,346 --> 00:02:24,076
- Don't you touch me!
- Hey, hey, calm down.

42
00:02:24,749 --> 00:02:28,708
You're right, you're right. We should just
take a deep breath and calm down.

43
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:34,154
That's a good idea. So, what are you
doing after Potsie here drops you off?

44
00:02:34,325 --> 00:02:35,485
Hey, Marcus?

45
00:02:35,994 --> 00:02:37,154
[GRUNTS]

46
00:02:39,597 --> 00:02:41,690
How's that, bitch?

47
00:02:47,172 --> 00:02:48,901
What are you doing in there?

48
00:02:49,407 --> 00:02:52,035
Be patient. I got you a surprise.

49
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,903
You hear that? She got us a surprise.

50
00:02:56,147 --> 00:02:57,409
[PHONE RINGS]

51
00:02:57,749 --> 00:02:59,683
You gonna grab that?

52
00:03:02,187 --> 00:03:04,417
You'll have to be more specific.

53
00:03:04,589 --> 00:03:08,047
- Answer the phone, Charlie.
- Right, right.

54
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:13,261
Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down. Who is this?

55
00:03:13,765 --> 00:03:17,633
Oh, hi, Alan.
Not a good time right now.

56
00:03:17,802 --> 00:03:19,235
Really?

57
00:03:19,404 --> 00:03:21,770
What the hell are you doing in jail?

58
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:24,765
You're kidding me.

59
00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:27,673
That's hilarious.

60
00:03:28,379 --> 00:03:31,405
All right, all right, I'm on my way.

61
00:03:31,583 --> 00:03:33,141
What do you think?

62
00:03:35,486 --> 00:03:37,886
[IMITATES BOUNCING SOUND]

63
00:03:39,490 --> 00:03:41,958
I was gonna save it for our wedding.
Couldn't wait.

64
00:03:42,126 --> 00:03:46,392
Oh, baby, by the time we get married
that thing's gonna be half-eaten.

65
00:03:50,301 --> 00:03:51,996
Who was on the phone?

66
00:03:52,203 --> 00:03:54,330
- Alan.
- Everything all right?

67
00:03:54,505 --> 00:03:57,235
Yeah, he was calling to say
he wouldn't be home tonight.

68
00:03:57,408 --> 00:03:59,342
Oh, did he get lucky?

69
00:03:59,510 --> 00:04:03,571
Not yet, but the night is still young.

70
00:04:03,748 --> 00:04:05,739
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]

71
00:04:33,678 --> 00:04:38,706
Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that
urine-soaked jail cell!

72
00:04:40,051 --> 00:04:42,281
You shouldn't have peed yourself.

73
00:04:42,453 --> 00:04:44,250
You said you'd be right there!

74
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:48,324
Look, look, I understand your anger,
but you gotta see it from my side.

75
00:04:48,493 --> 00:04:52,259
- What's your side?
- I get really sleepy after sex.

76
00:04:53,665 --> 00:04:55,724
- What's going on?
- Oh. Your gallant fiancé...

77
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:58,391
...let his brother
rot in a prison cell all night.

78
00:04:58,569 --> 00:04:59,661
- What?
- Oh, come on...

79
00:04:59,837 --> 00:05:04,069
...it was the Beverly Hills jail.
I've been there plenty of times.

80
00:05:04,242 --> 00:05:07,439
Slip the booking officer a 20,
he'll send out for Starbucks.

81
00:05:07,612 --> 00:05:10,376
You know I don't carry
that kind of cash.

82
00:05:10,982 --> 00:05:15,043
Regardless, it was just one night.
Nobody took your man cherry, did they?

83
00:05:17,422 --> 00:05:18,946
Was that why Alan called last night?

84
00:05:19,123 --> 00:05:21,387
Uh... I assume so.

85
00:05:21,559 --> 00:05:24,722
- Oh, Charlie.
- Hey. You had that sexy lingerie on...

86
00:05:24,896 --> 00:05:26,363
...and you were so beautiful.

87
00:05:26,864 --> 00:05:29,697
Plus, you know
how I hate to waste an erection.

88
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:33,637
I can't believe you abandoned your
brother when he needed you. Horrible.

89
00:05:33,805 --> 00:05:36,797
How'd I become the bad guy
in all this? He's the felon.

90
00:05:36,975 --> 00:05:38,533
Why were you in jail, Alan?

91
00:05:38,843 --> 00:05:41,437
I was forced to use my hands to defend
a lady's honor.

92
00:05:41,846 --> 00:05:44,314
Ask him what happened to the lady.

93
00:05:45,016 --> 00:05:48,952
She drove the guy I punched
to the emergency room.

94
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,112
Why would she go with him
if you were defending her honor?

95
00:05:52,290 --> 00:05:56,283
I would've asked her, but I was busy
being handcuffed and dragged off to jail.

96
00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:59,328
Where I spent the night
covering my behind with a food tray.

97
00:06:01,599 --> 00:06:04,432
Shame on you, Charlie Harper.

98
00:06:04,702 --> 00:06:05,896
Oh.

99
00:06:06,070 --> 00:06:08,595
Now she's mad at me. Happy?

100
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:10,807
Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled.

101
00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:14,741
If my transsexual-biker cellmate had only
been a little more affectionate...

102
00:06:14,912 --> 00:06:17,608
...my life would now be perfect!

103
00:06:21,586 --> 00:06:25,613
I don't know. I just snapped and hit him.
First time in my life that's happened.

104
00:06:25,790 --> 00:06:28,520
You mean it's the first time
you've ever won.

105
00:06:29,794 --> 00:06:32,922
The important thing now
is for you to know that your family...

106
00:06:33,097 --> 00:06:35,793
...is a hundred percent behind you.
- Thanks, Mom.

107
00:06:35,967 --> 00:06:39,300
Now, before we waste money
on some expensive lawyer...

108
00:06:39,470 --> 00:06:43,804
...how much jail time are we
talking about if you just roll over?

109
00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:45,607
I don't wanna go to jail.

110
00:06:45,777 --> 00:06:48,678
And if he does,
he certainly doesn't want to roll over.

111
00:06:49,647 --> 00:06:52,047
- Charles, that is crude and uncalled for.
- Thanks.

112
00:06:52,216 --> 00:06:55,583
You're welcome. Nobody
wants to go to jail, sweetie.

113
00:06:55,753 --> 00:07:00,247
Let's face it, if all we're talking about is
60 days alone in a room with no friends...

114
00:07:00,425 --> 00:07:04,418
...how is that different from two months
squatting in your brother's house?

115
00:07:04,962 --> 00:07:06,793
You're kidding, right?

116
00:07:07,398 --> 00:07:08,729
I guess.

117
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:12,861
Don't worry yourself. I'll get a
public defender and take care of this.

118
00:07:13,037 --> 00:07:15,801
- There you go, problem solved.
- Charlie.

119
00:07:15,973 --> 00:07:18,271
Kid out of law school,
hungry to make his bones.

120
00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:22,846
What's wrong with that? He gets his
hair cut by trainees at the barber college.

121
00:07:24,449 --> 00:07:26,508
I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer.

122
00:07:26,684 --> 00:07:28,481
No, I couldn't take money from you.

123
00:07:28,653 --> 00:07:30,518
That's an honor
he reserves for family.

124
00:07:31,989 --> 00:07:33,684
So you guys aren't gonna help him?

125
00:07:33,858 --> 00:07:36,224
Of course we are.
But if we didn't torture him...

126
00:07:36,427 --> 00:07:38,554
...he wouldn't
be comfortable accepting help.

127
00:07:38,729 --> 00:07:40,526
You don't know that. Try me.

128
00:07:41,933 --> 00:07:44,493
I'll find the lawyer
and we'll split the fee.

129
00:07:44,669 --> 00:07:49,834
Not fifty-fifty, because I'm out six years
of room, board and incidentals.

130
00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:53,272
And by incidentals, I mean mostly
Kleenex and hand lotion.

131
00:07:54,579 --> 00:07:59,175
Oh, please, I paid for four years
of college and chiropractor school...

132
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:02,183
...and he still gives me
handmade tchotchkes for Christmas.

133
00:08:02,353 --> 00:08:04,446
You said you loved the pot holders
I made.

134
00:08:04,622 --> 00:08:06,715
I said they made me cry.

135
00:08:08,059 --> 00:08:10,220
Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty.

136
00:08:10,394 --> 00:08:13,363
But we'll put it on my card
so I get the miles.

137
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:15,464
I can't believe you two.

138
00:08:15,633 --> 00:08:19,034
That's okay, Chelsea. I'm used to
being treated this way.

139
00:08:19,203 --> 00:08:23,105
The mocking,
the insults, the humiliation.

140
00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:26,903
It's all part of the festering ugliness
of this family.

141
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,482
See? He's fine with it.

142
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:41,584
Thanks for coming, you guys.
Your support means a lot.

143
00:08:41,759 --> 00:08:43,283
Thank her. If it was up to me...

144
00:08:43,494 --> 00:08:46,930
...you'd be in San Quentin
wearing lipstick and a mop wig.

145
00:08:47,098 --> 00:08:50,625
Okay, Mom, I gotta go. No, I love you.

146
00:08:50,801 --> 00:08:52,860
What? No, you're not bothering me.

147
00:08:53,037 --> 00:08:56,973
No, I'm happy to take care of it.
Okay, okay, bye-bye.

148
00:08:57,141 --> 00:09:00,736
Sorry. I bought my mom a new computer
and it's opened up a can of worms.

149
00:09:00,912 --> 00:09:04,006
Ironic. I just bought my mom
a can of worms.

150
00:09:05,550 --> 00:09:07,279
Brad Harlow. Are you Alan?

151
00:09:07,451 --> 00:09:10,648
No, no, no, I'm his brother Charlie.
That's my fiancée, Chelsea.

152
00:09:10,821 --> 00:09:15,383
And that pasty-faced jughead
is the family rottweiler.

153
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,052
I just want it on record
that I am not by nature a violent man.

154
00:09:19,230 --> 00:09:23,758
My fuse is long,
but it is attached to dynamite.

155
00:09:25,469 --> 00:09:27,460
Shut up. I'm paying by the hour.

156
00:09:27,638 --> 00:09:30,334
Would you two just stop it? I'm sorry.

157
00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:34,174
That's all right. I have siblings too.
We tease each other constantly.

158
00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:37,974
You know, sometimes I think it's just
easier than saying "I love you."

159
00:09:40,851 --> 00:09:43,285
Okay, well, I got some
good news for you, Alan.

160
00:09:43,588 --> 00:09:46,056
Hey, when's the last time
you heard that?

161
00:09:46,824 --> 00:09:50,351
I made some calls. The fella you
punched has alcohol-related priors...

162
00:09:50,561 --> 00:09:52,995
...and is definitely not looking
to press charges.

163
00:09:53,164 --> 00:09:55,997
- I don't have to go back to jail?
- Not even a court room.

164
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,294
Oh, thank God.
I can't go back to the joint again.

165
00:10:01,606 --> 00:10:04,734
All right, great, we're off the clock.
What do I owe you?

166
00:10:04,909 --> 00:10:06,570
Relax, you don't owe me anything.

167
00:10:07,078 --> 00:10:08,841
Even better. Thank you.

168
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,880
Charlie. We have to pay you
for your time.

169
00:10:12,049 --> 00:10:14,176
Oh, you hippie.

170
00:10:14,785 --> 00:10:18,653
Well, you can always make
a donation to my charity.

171
00:10:19,090 --> 00:10:21,149
What's that? Lawyers without yachts?

172
00:10:21,325 --> 00:10:22,690
[CHUCKLES]

173
00:10:23,461 --> 00:10:27,488
No, no, it's for inner-city kids. They
come out to my ranch once a month...

174
00:10:27,665 --> 00:10:30,190
...learn to ride horses,
get out in the fresh air.

175
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:34,065
Oh, that's wonderful. I love horses.
I used to ride all the time.

176
00:10:34,238 --> 00:10:37,503
- Shall I write you a check?
- No, no, no, I got it.

177
00:10:37,675 --> 00:10:40,007
- Who do I make it out to?
- Danielle's Darlings.

178
00:10:40,177 --> 00:10:42,111
- Who's Danielle?
- My late wife.

179
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,339
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, thank you.

180
00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:48,383
I started the charity to keep
her memory alive. She loved horses.

181
00:10:50,521 --> 00:10:53,319
Crap. That's another zero.

182
00:10:56,727 --> 00:10:57,785
There you go.

183
00:10:58,229 --> 00:11:01,528
Wow. This is incredibly generous.
Thank you.

184
00:11:01,699 --> 00:11:03,667
You're very welcome.

185
00:11:06,504 --> 00:11:10,804
We're having a nature ride and barbecue
for the kids Saturday. You should come.

186
00:11:10,975 --> 00:11:14,103
Really? That sounds wonderful.
Doesn't it, Charlie?

187
00:11:14,278 --> 00:11:16,473
Do the kids race the horses?

188
00:11:16,914 --> 00:11:18,882
What? No.

189
00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:21,575
- There's no action?
- No action.

190
00:11:22,153 --> 00:11:23,245
I don't see the point.

191
00:11:25,056 --> 00:11:26,216
He's just joking.

192
00:11:26,390 --> 00:11:29,120
No, I'm not.
I really don't see the point.

193
00:11:30,161 --> 00:11:33,130
If you change your mind, here's the info.
We'd love to see you.

194
00:11:33,297 --> 00:11:35,561
- Thank you. Maybe we will.
BRAD: All right.

195
00:11:35,733 --> 00:11:37,564
Yeah, maybe.

196
00:11:41,906 --> 00:11:44,807
- Thanks very much, Brad.
- Always nice to bring good news.

197
00:11:44,975 --> 00:11:46,943
I think having a criminal record...

198
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:50,046
...is really gonna
spice up my online-dating profile.

199
00:11:50,214 --> 00:11:52,580
Might even post the mugshot.

200
00:12:01,659 --> 00:12:03,286
Wasn't Brad terrific?

201
00:12:04,929 --> 00:12:06,863
Who's Brad?

202
00:12:07,698 --> 00:12:08,960
Alan's lawyer.

203
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:11,627
Uh... He's okay, I guess.

204
00:12:11,802 --> 00:12:15,704
You guess? Not only does he have a
successful law practice...

205
00:12:15,873 --> 00:12:18,398
...he's doing so much
to help poor kids.

206
00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:22,239
What? By sticking them on horses?
How's that gonna help?

207
00:12:22,446 --> 00:12:24,641
Get them a high-paying
job with Pony Express?

208
00:12:25,349 --> 00:12:26,714
It's not about jobs...

209
00:12:26,884 --> 00:12:29,717
...it's about getting out of the city,
into the fresh air.

210
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:33,015
Fresh air?
Have you ever smelled a horse?

211
00:12:33,190 --> 00:12:37,559
You know what I mean. And did you
hear the way he talked about family?

212
00:12:37,728 --> 00:12:39,889
They obviously mean a lot to him.

213
00:12:40,064 --> 00:12:42,897
Family also meant a lot
to Charles Manson.

214
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,967
That's a terrible thing to say.

215
00:12:46,203 --> 00:12:47,431
Sorry.

216
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:53,606
Hey, speaking of horseback riding,
hop on and I'll race you to the finish.

217
00:12:53,778 --> 00:12:56,008
You know what?
I'm not really in the mood.

218
00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,614
That's okay.
I got enough mood for both of us.

219
00:12:59,216 --> 00:13:00,513
Good night, Charlie.

220
00:13:02,553 --> 00:13:05,147
But Charlie's a frustrated pony.

221
00:13:05,322 --> 00:13:07,017
Go to sleep.

222
00:13:14,265 --> 00:13:15,289
You know...

223
00:13:15,466 --> 00:13:17,457
...I was pretty charitable today.
- Mm-hm.

224
00:13:18,702 --> 00:13:22,297
I guess the spirit of giving
doesn't extend to the bedroom, huh?

225
00:13:22,506 --> 00:13:24,736
Good night, Charlie.

226
00:13:24,909 --> 00:13:27,070
Pbbt.

227
00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:35,015
- Hey.
- Hey.

228
00:13:35,786 --> 00:13:38,448
- Can't sleep?
- Nope.

229
00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:39,983
Me neither.

230
00:13:40,157 --> 00:13:42,125
Even though I dodged
the legal bullet...

231
00:13:42,293 --> 00:13:45,421
...l've got all this stuff
building up inside me...

232
00:13:45,596 --> 00:13:47,461
...and I'm afraid I'm gonna explode.

233
00:13:47,631 --> 00:13:50,225
I'm afraid I won't.

234
00:13:53,070 --> 00:13:56,233
The other night in that bar,
I just snapped.

235
00:13:56,407 --> 00:13:58,568
It's like I became a different person.

236
00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:01,807
Well, that had to be a nice break
for you.

237
00:14:03,781 --> 00:14:05,442
I'm scared, Charlie.

238
00:14:05,616 --> 00:14:09,677
I mean, there was a part of me
that really enjoyed driving my fist...

239
00:14:09,854 --> 00:14:14,257
...into that jerk's stupid face, watching
him crumple to the floor in agony.

240
00:14:14,425 --> 00:14:16,154
So, what are you scared of?

241
00:14:16,327 --> 00:14:18,955
What if this is just the beginning?

242
00:14:19,129 --> 00:14:23,293
What if I've awakened some
long-dormant monster inside of me...

243
00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:26,197
...who revels in violence?

244
00:14:26,370 --> 00:14:29,567
What if I can't control the monster?

245
00:14:32,176 --> 00:14:34,508
What if the monster takes over?

246
00:14:36,914 --> 00:14:38,745
Ouchie.

247
00:14:42,086 --> 00:14:43,883
You're fine. Go to bed, monster.

248
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:47,284
Okay, good night.

249
00:14:52,997 --> 00:14:54,726
What happened to your hand?

250
00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:57,263
Oh. Oh.

251
00:14:58,035 --> 00:14:59,730
I won't lie to you.

252
00:14:59,904 --> 00:15:02,532
I got into a bar fight
and punched a guy in the face.

253
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:05,699
Yeah, right.

254
00:15:06,243 --> 00:15:08,905
No, I'm serious.
I spent the night in jail.

255
00:15:09,113 --> 00:15:13,049
Fine, don't tell me.
I was just trying to make conversation.

256
00:15:13,217 --> 00:15:15,708
I'm warning you.
There's a monster inside of me...

257
00:15:15,886 --> 00:15:18,150
...and you don't wanna wake him up!

258
00:15:18,322 --> 00:15:20,916
Oh, hot, hot, hot.

259
00:15:22,059 --> 00:15:25,995
Did the monster burn his mouth
with his chamomile tea?

260
00:15:26,163 --> 00:15:27,926
It's oolong.

261
00:15:28,933 --> 00:15:30,423
Where's Chelsea?

262
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:34,661
She went to that charity thing
for inner-city horses.

263
00:15:39,543 --> 00:15:41,408
You let her go without you?

264
00:15:41,579 --> 00:15:45,310
Why the hell would I wanna go?
I hate kids and I'm scared of horses.

265
00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:49,147
Maybe you didn't notice the way
my lawyer looked at your fiancée.

266
00:15:49,753 --> 00:15:52,847
- What are you talking about?
- Or the way she was looking at him.

267
00:15:53,023 --> 00:15:54,285
That's ridiculous.

268
00:15:54,458 --> 00:15:57,950
I'm telling you, there were definitely
sparks between the two of them.

269
00:15:59,163 --> 00:16:00,562
You think?

270
00:16:00,731 --> 00:16:02,995
Charlie, that guy
is everything you're not.

271
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,393
Well, what's that mean?

272
00:16:05,569 --> 00:16:07,469
He likes people...

273
00:16:08,205 --> 00:16:10,230
...he loves his mother...

274
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:11,567
...works with children...

275
00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:15,678
...and he doesn't stumble through life
stinking of whiskey and K-Y Jelly.

276
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,512
Hey, hey, hey, K-Y Jelly is odorless.

277
00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:19,842
Not where you put it.

278
00:16:24,488 --> 00:16:27,082
I'm just saying that if
Chelsea were my fiancée...

279
00:16:27,257 --> 00:16:29,316
...I wouldn't leave her alone
with this guy.

280
00:16:29,493 --> 00:16:31,893
If she was your fiancée,
you'd have big problems.

281
00:16:32,062 --> 00:16:35,395
- Like what?
- Like being the last man on Earth.

282
00:16:40,137 --> 00:16:42,264
I don't understand why I have to go.

283
00:16:42,439 --> 00:16:45,806
Because your uncle wants to use you
to camouflage his growing fear...

284
00:16:45,976 --> 00:16:48,240
...his girlfriend
is interested in another guy.

285
00:16:48,412 --> 00:16:49,902
Hey, hey, hey, I have no fear.

286
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:54,483
Of course not. You just got a sudden
craving for barbecue and horses.

287
00:16:54,652 --> 00:16:56,984
Whoa, there's gonna be
barbecued horses?

288
00:16:58,589 --> 00:17:00,352
Cool.

289
00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:03,282
Where the hell is
this lawyer's stupid ranch?

290
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:05,985
You must've passed the turnoff.
Put the GPS back on.

291
00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:07,858
I don't need the GPS.

292
00:17:08,032 --> 00:17:10,557
FEMALE VOICE [OVER GPS]:
<i>Take the next legal U-turn.</i>

293
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:14,670
<i>Then proceed 22 miles to main road.</i>

294
00:17:15,606 --> 00:17:17,870
- Okay, turn around.
- There's no room.

295
00:17:18,042 --> 00:17:20,010
- Well, then back up.
- Twenty-two miles?

296
00:17:20,177 --> 00:17:22,611
Just till you find a place to turn.

297
00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:25,408
- I'm hungry.
- We're almost there.

298
00:17:25,582 --> 00:17:27,709
I don't think so.
I'd smell the barbecue.

299
00:17:28,285 --> 00:17:31,743
Jake, would you pipe down
so I can concentrate on...?

300
00:17:32,956 --> 00:17:34,355
Oh, damn.

301
00:17:34,525 --> 00:17:38,393
FEMALE VOICE:
<i>You have reached your destination.</i>

302
00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:40,462
I don't think so.

303
00:17:45,469 --> 00:17:47,664
- Un-freaking-believable.
- Still no signal.

304
00:17:47,838 --> 00:17:51,171
Well, of course there's no signal.
We're in the middle of nowhere.

305
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:54,538
- I'm starving.
- What do you want? Go catch a squirrel.

306
00:17:54,712 --> 00:17:58,648
This is why I always tell you
to keep an emergency kit in your car.

307
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,374
- Yeah.
- No matter what happens...

308
00:18:00,551 --> 00:18:03,179
...I know that in my trunk
is a thermal blanket...

309
00:18:03,353 --> 00:18:07,551
...flashlight, batteries, bottled water
and assorted protein bars.

310
00:18:07,725 --> 00:18:10,125
You hear that, Jake?
You have an inheritance.

311
00:18:11,929 --> 00:18:14,329
I already ate the protein bars.

312
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,861
You were right, Alan. The more time
Chelsea spends with this Brad guy...

313
00:18:21,038 --> 00:18:23,529
...the more time
she's gonna have to compare.

314
00:18:23,707 --> 00:18:25,766
I'm not gonna come out of that
looking good.

315
00:18:25,943 --> 00:18:29,276
If you're really worried about her
being attracted to a better man...

316
00:18:29,446 --> 00:18:31,414
...why don't you become a better man?

317
00:18:31,582 --> 00:18:34,710
"Why don't you
become a better man?"

318
00:18:34,885 --> 00:18:37,183
Yeah, like that.

319
00:18:48,098 --> 00:18:50,794
You guys think
there are mountain lions up here?

320
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:53,061
Hadn't given it much thought.

321
00:18:53,904 --> 00:18:55,895
Till just now.

322
00:18:56,073 --> 00:18:59,042
Relax, there's no mountain lions.

323
00:19:01,779 --> 00:19:05,545
You know, this is where it normally
goes bad in slasher movies.

324
00:19:07,451 --> 00:19:10,784
One guy falls back a little bit,
usually to smoke pot or have sex...

325
00:19:10,954 --> 00:19:13,286
...and then he gets his head
hacked off.

326
00:19:13,457 --> 00:19:16,984
Well, let that be a lesson to you
about drugs and premarital sex.

327
00:19:17,795 --> 00:19:20,389
- Good parenting, Alan.
- Thank you.

328
00:19:22,299 --> 00:19:23,323
[GROWLING]

329
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:25,627
Mountain lion! Mountain lion!

330
00:19:28,872 --> 00:19:31,636
Oh, crap. Hey, guys, wait up.

331
00:19:32,009 --> 00:19:35,137
[BOTH SCREAMING]

332
00:19:41,018 --> 00:19:42,508
Psych.

333
00:19:56,633 --> 00:20:00,535
I can't believe you really thought
I was a mountain lion.

334
00:20:00,871 --> 00:20:02,736
Go to your room.

335
00:20:02,906 --> 00:20:04,840
You punish me
because you're gullible?

336
00:20:05,275 --> 00:20:06,674
Yeah, pretty much.

337
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:11,204
[JAKE GROWLS]

338
00:20:11,381 --> 00:20:13,349
Still not funny!

339
00:20:18,188 --> 00:20:19,416
Chelsea's not home.

340
00:20:20,224 --> 00:20:23,057
How could she not be home?
That thing was over hours ago.

341
00:20:23,227 --> 00:20:25,195
Worried she might be cheating on you?

342
00:20:25,362 --> 00:20:28,195
No, I was thinking car trouble,
but thanks for that.

343
00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:31,667
Sorry.

344
00:20:32,102 --> 00:20:34,536
Chelsea and I have been
together for over a year.

345
00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:36,195
We're engaged to be married.

346
00:20:36,373 --> 00:20:38,967
What are the odds she's
gonna leave me for a lawyer...

347
00:20:39,142 --> 00:20:40,734
...because he's rich, handsome...

348
00:20:40,911 --> 00:20:43,903
...loves his family
and named a charity after his dead wife?

349
00:20:44,514 --> 00:20:45,947
I don't know. Even money?

350
00:20:46,884 --> 00:20:48,511
At least.

351
00:20:51,154 --> 00:20:53,281
So 10 bucks
just to make it interesting?

352
00:20:53,557 --> 00:20:54,581
[SLAP]

353
00:20:54,758 --> 00:20:56,385
ALAN:
Ouchie!

354
00:21:26,456 --> 00:21:28,447
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]