1
00:00:04,142 --> 00:00:07,441
ALAN: [SINGING]
Oh, the weather outside is frightful
2
00:00:07,612 --> 00:00:10,706
But the fire is so delightful
3
00:00:10,915 --> 00:00:13,509
And since we've no place to go
4
00:00:13,685 --> 00:00:17,177
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
5
00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:23,149
Snow, sleet, rain, sun,
you've still got no place to go.
6
00:00:24,029 --> 00:00:27,760
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Which is why I'm
grateful for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge.
7
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:33,468
Speaking of generosity,
check out what I got Chelsea.
8
00:00:33,638 --> 00:00:35,105
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Diamond earrings. Nice.
9
00:00:35,273 --> 00:00:38,504
Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints
about stuff she wanted.
10
00:00:38,676 --> 00:00:41,042
But I wasn't really listening,
so I got her these.
11
00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:43,510
How romantic.
Will she be joining us for dinner?
12
00:00:43,681 --> 00:00:46,582
I think so. She's out
doing some last-minute shopping...
13
00:00:46,751 --> 00:00:50,084
...or something with work.
Again, I wasn't really listening.
14
00:00:51,222 --> 00:00:52,689
Why did you mail me a letter?
15
00:00:52,857 --> 00:00:55,587
Oh, I decided to send out
a Harper Christmas newsletter.
16
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,752
You know, keep everybody updated
on all things Harper.
17
00:00:58,963 --> 00:01:00,931
- You're kidding.
- [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Don't worry, governor.
18
00:01:01,099 --> 00:01:05,092
I didn't mention your ongoing battle
with the demon rum.
19
00:01:11,042 --> 00:01:13,670
As this wonderful year
Draws to an end
20
00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:16,439
I send this note
To family and friend
21
00:01:16,614 --> 00:01:19,208
So thankful are we
For blessings galore
22
00:01:19,384 --> 00:01:23,616
Like Charlie's fiancée
A lady, not a whore
23
00:01:24,889 --> 00:01:26,754
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Keep reading.
24
00:01:27,992 --> 00:01:30,256
And young Master Jake
Is growing like a weed
25
00:01:30,428 --> 00:01:34,421
He makes us all proud
Not a waste of my seed
26
00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:36,723
Keep going. Keep going.
27
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:38,869
He tried his darnedest
In every class
28
00:01:39,037 --> 00:01:41,562
And made 10th grade
By the skin of his ass
29
00:01:41,739 --> 00:01:45,698
And, see, I put in a little drawing
of an elf with his pants down.
30
00:01:45,877 --> 00:01:48,107
What's the matter with you?
You're a grown man.
31
00:01:48,279 --> 00:01:51,442
Oh, come on, people love this stuff.
Read, read.
32
00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:54,312
And our sweet mother, Evelyn
Had a small operation
33
00:01:54,519 --> 00:01:58,546
Her secret garden
Needed rejuvenation
34
00:01:59,257 --> 00:02:03,557
- "Secret garden"?
- Find a rhyme for "vulva."
35
00:02:03,728 --> 00:02:05,525
I dare you.
36
00:02:06,431 --> 00:02:08,763
And what about the author
Of this Christmas poem?
37
00:02:08,933 --> 00:02:11,333
He's healthy and happy
In his beautiful home
38
00:02:11,536 --> 00:02:13,936
And while some might argue
That he's just a leech
39
00:02:14,105 --> 00:02:16,471
It bothers him not
He lives at the beach
40
00:02:19,177 --> 00:02:21,441
"Happy holidays
from the happy Harpers."
41
00:02:21,613 --> 00:02:23,604
What do you think?
42
00:02:23,781 --> 00:02:26,443
You're sad, pathetic
Lonely and blue
43
00:02:26,618 --> 00:02:29,280
If I gave a rat's ass
I'd worry about you
44
00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:44,468
[IMITATING A PIRATE]
Expecting rough weather, captain?
45
00:02:45,136 --> 00:02:46,831
What?
46
00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,334
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What are you looking at?
47
00:02:49,507 --> 00:02:51,600
- Nothing.
- Really?
48
00:02:51,776 --> 00:02:55,303
So the beautiful girls playing volleyball
completely escaped your eye?
49
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,880
I see them, you perv.
50
00:02:59,317 --> 00:03:02,047
Little hottie in the tank top
is checking you out.
51
00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:05,383
I know. Now, please go away.
52
00:03:07,192 --> 00:03:08,625
Why don't you go talk to her?
53
00:03:08,793 --> 00:03:10,658
- I can't.
- Well, why not?
54
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,125
I got a girlfriend.
55
00:03:12,297 --> 00:03:16,324
Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters
in your room girlfriends.
56
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:19,493
No, I'm talking about Celeste.
I'm in a committed relationship.
57
00:03:19,671 --> 00:03:23,004
- What are you talking about? You're 13.
- I'm 15.
58
00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:27,466
Who cares? You're too young
for a committed relationship.
59
00:03:27,645 --> 00:03:30,705
- I'm 40, and I'm barely ready.
- You're 42.
60
00:03:30,882 --> 00:03:33,544
What is it with you and numbers?
61
00:03:34,319 --> 00:03:37,254
Let me ask you something.
Where is Celeste right now?
62
00:03:37,422 --> 00:03:39,617
Spending Christmas
with her mom in Brentwood.
63
00:03:39,791 --> 00:03:42,191
So, what, your life just stops
when she's gone?
64
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,225
That's the deal we made.
65
00:03:45,363 --> 00:03:47,991
Listen to me,
if you wanna go talk to the beach girl...
66
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:49,929
...you've got every right to do so.
67
00:03:50,134 --> 00:03:53,626
Are you sure? I don't think so.
68
00:03:54,772 --> 00:03:56,763
Don't worry about it.
Just go talk to her.
69
00:03:57,175 --> 00:03:59,234
- Can I borrow 10 bucks?
- Why?
70
00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:02,277
If she shoots me down,
then I can go buy a couple corn dogs.
71
00:04:02,447 --> 00:04:04,381
She's not gonna shoot you down.
72
00:04:04,549 --> 00:04:06,608
Yeah, but now I got a taste
for corn dogs.
73
00:04:06,784 --> 00:04:09,048
- Just go.
- What if she wants a corn dog?
74
00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:12,280
She's about to meet one.
Now, get out of here.
75
00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:15,749
Do I look okay?
76
00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:20,728
Jake, she waved at you. She smiled.
Clearly, her standards aren't that high.
77
00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:23,394
Right. Thanks.
78
00:04:27,572 --> 00:04:30,473
When did I turn 42?
79
00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:35,077
Son of a bitch.
80
00:04:35,246 --> 00:04:38,306
Hey, I'm an organ donor.
Good for me.
81
00:05:08,946 --> 00:05:13,576
- Hey, Berta. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, Charlie.
82
00:05:13,751 --> 00:05:16,413
- You're very generous.
- Well, I just want you to know...
83
00:05:16,587 --> 00:05:18,452
...that I appreciate your hard work.
84
00:05:18,623 --> 00:05:21,751
And I appreciate
you pretending I work hard.
85
00:05:22,827 --> 00:05:26,285
- Hey, you feeling lucky?
- What do you got in mind?
86
00:05:26,464 --> 00:05:30,400
My Christmas bonus, double or nothing
that Zrbnck makes the field goal.
87
00:05:30,768 --> 00:05:34,101
Are you crazy? That's 52 yards.
He hasn't made one that long all year.
88
00:05:34,272 --> 00:05:37,241
- I got a hunch.
- And you got a bet.
89
00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:40,639
COMMENTATOR [ON TV]: There's the snap.
The kick is up. It's long enough, but wide.
90
00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:44,975
It's no good.
Zrbnck's missed another one.
91
00:05:45,149 --> 00:05:47,982
Well, happy birthday, Jesus.
92
00:05:51,622 --> 00:05:56,059
- Told you.
- No biggie. Easy come, easy go.
93
00:05:56,394 --> 00:05:57,452
Sorry.
94
00:05:57,628 --> 00:06:01,587
Looks like the grandkids are getting
beef jerky and lotto scratchers this year.
95
00:06:05,136 --> 00:06:06,626
Here.
96
00:06:06,804 --> 00:06:09,068
- You're too kind.
- Don't mention it.
97
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,175
- You got a big heart.
- Thank you.
98
00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:15,471
Double or nothing
they don't make first down.
99
00:06:16,781 --> 00:06:18,681
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. Where you been?
100
00:06:18,850 --> 00:06:20,317
- Out on the beach.
CHARLIE: So?
101
00:06:20,485 --> 00:06:22,976
- How'd it go?
JAKE: Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda.
102
00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:25,520
No, no, no,
you don't bring the grape soda to her.
103
00:06:25,690 --> 00:06:28,158
- You bring her to the grape soda.
- Her who?
104
00:06:28,326 --> 00:06:32,126
Hang on. You bring her here,
she sees your beautiful house...
105
00:06:32,296 --> 00:06:35,959
...she thinks you got it going on,
and then you got a shot at...
106
00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:40,834
Well, I don't know what
you got a shot at, but you got a shot.
107
00:06:41,005 --> 00:06:43,530
- Whoa, whoa, catch me up.
- You see what I'm saying?
108
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:46,199
- So I should bring her here?
- Absolutely.
109
00:06:46,411 --> 00:06:49,039
Women love this house.
It's an aphrodisiac.
110
00:06:49,213 --> 00:06:51,909
I don't think she's Afro-anything.
111
00:06:53,684 --> 00:06:57,211
- She's more like Chinese.
- Wait. Who's Chinese? What's going on?
112
00:06:57,388 --> 00:07:00,323
- He met a girl, and I'm helping him out.
- What about Celeste?
113
00:07:00,491 --> 00:07:03,949
Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop
just because she's not around.
114
00:07:04,128 --> 00:07:06,790
So you're encouraging my son
to cheat on his girlfriend?
115
00:07:06,964 --> 00:07:09,398
There's no cheating going on.
Are you cheating?
116
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,125
- I'm not sure.
- You're not.
117
00:07:11,302 --> 00:07:15,238
He is. How would you feel if Celeste
was flirting with some other guy?
118
00:07:15,406 --> 00:07:17,704
- How do you know she's not?
- She's with her mom.
119
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:21,333
And you're with your dad,
but that's not stopping you, is it?
120
00:07:21,846 --> 00:07:24,406
- Good point.
- No, no, it's a lousy point.
121
00:07:24,582 --> 00:07:27,380
Relationships are built on trust
and mutual respect.
122
00:07:27,552 --> 00:07:31,818
Oh, grow up. Relationships are built
on diamond earrings and Viagra.
123
00:07:33,591 --> 00:07:35,684
Now, go take the young lady
her grape soda.
124
00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:39,557
I still think it would help if I had
some corn-dog money to flash around.
125
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,357
Go.
126
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:45,226
- Shame on you.
- Well, what's the big deal?
127
00:07:45,403 --> 00:07:47,871
It's not like he and Celeste
are sleeping together.
128
00:07:48,039 --> 00:07:50,735
No, but once a relationship reaches
any physical level...
129
00:07:50,908 --> 00:07:53,035
...there's an implied commitment.
- Yeah.
130
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:56,772
That's because you married
the first girl who touched your wiener.
131
00:07:57,348 --> 00:07:58,508
Not true.
132
00:07:58,683 --> 00:08:01,584
The first girl who touched my wiener
was Maxine Chernakoff...
133
00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:04,550
...and she refused to marry me.
134
00:08:07,391 --> 00:08:10,690
As did the blind girl at camp,
the school nurse...
135
00:08:10,862 --> 00:08:13,626
...and crazy cousin Wendy.
136
00:08:17,702 --> 00:08:19,033
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
137
00:08:19,437 --> 00:08:21,769
I hope you're proud of yourself.
138
00:08:21,939 --> 00:08:24,931
I'm more proud of him.
I mean, he actually got her back here...
139
00:08:25,109 --> 00:08:28,806
...without hitting her over the head
and stuffing her in a burlap sack.
140
00:08:30,515 --> 00:08:32,574
BERTA: Pretty girl.
- Yep.
141
00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:35,583
You'd think she'd have
more self-esteem.
142
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,912
Hey, Jake may be dull-witted...
143
00:08:38,089 --> 00:08:40,785
...but he has a certain
je ne sais quoi with the ladies.
144
00:08:40,958 --> 00:08:44,121
Maybe six years of picking his
underwear up with a rake...
145
00:08:44,295 --> 00:08:46,286
...has made me immune
to his charms.
146
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,458
- Hey.
- Hey.
147
00:08:50,635 --> 00:08:52,967
Nice work
talking her into coming back here.
148
00:08:53,137 --> 00:08:56,004
I didn't really talk her into it.
She had to pee.
149
00:08:56,173 --> 00:09:00,109
Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda
that made it happen.
150
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:03,770
Now, Jake, you're just hanging out
with this girl, right? As friends?
151
00:09:03,948 --> 00:09:05,575
- So far.
- What does that mean?
152
00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:07,945
It means I haven't made my move yet.
153
00:09:08,119 --> 00:09:10,019
- What move?
- I'm not sure.
154
00:09:10,187 --> 00:09:14,317
That's why I haven't made it yet.
I don't think it's gonna get serious.
155
00:09:14,492 --> 00:09:16,790
- She doesn't even live here.
- She doesn't?
156
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,293
She's in town for the holidays
visiting her aunt.
157
00:09:19,463 --> 00:09:22,193
She pronounced it "aunt,"
but I figured it out.
158
00:09:22,366 --> 00:09:25,597
Oh, dude,
you have hit the jackpot here.
159
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:27,704
- I have?
- This girl is most likely...
160
00:09:27,872 --> 00:09:30,602
...looking for a hot story
to tell her friends back home.
161
00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:35,371
And you, you cute little clueless
bastard, can be the star of that story.
162
00:09:35,546 --> 00:09:37,104
- Really?
- Yeah.
163
00:09:37,281 --> 00:09:39,613
So stop wasting time.
What are you doing in here?
164
00:09:39,784 --> 00:09:42,776
I had to fart,
and I didn't wanna do it in front of her.
165
00:09:43,955 --> 00:09:46,116
Attaboy. Good thinking.
166
00:09:46,490 --> 00:09:48,685
- I thought it was you.
- I thought it was you.
167
00:09:48,859 --> 00:09:50,224
[DOORBELL RINGS]
168
00:09:50,728 --> 00:09:51,888
Oh, that must be Mom.
169
00:09:52,063 --> 00:09:55,191
- Mom? What's Mom doing here?
- Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
170
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:58,460
I know. Why isn't she out
stealing toys in Whoville?
171
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:03,973
Merry Christmas, one and all.
172
00:10:04,141 --> 00:10:05,574
ALAN: Oh, hello.
- Hi, Mom.
173
00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:10,373
Boys, this is legendary TV producer
Mr. Marty Pepper.
174
00:10:10,548 --> 00:10:11,674
- Hi.
- Hello.
175
00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:15,580
Marty, these are my sons,
Charlie and Alan.
176
00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:18,551
Is it important which is which?
177
00:10:19,523 --> 00:10:20,990
Not really.
178
00:10:21,158 --> 00:10:23,524
Would you help me
with the wheelchair?
179
00:10:23,694 --> 00:10:29,564
I'll call you Scooter, and you Dutch.
180
00:10:31,569 --> 00:10:35,562
- Mom, are you and he?
- Oh, good Lord, no.
181
00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:37,867
The man is 1000 years old.
182
00:10:38,042 --> 00:10:41,068
It's a wonder his scrotum
doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.
183
00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:44,877
- So he's just a friend?
- Yes.
184
00:10:45,049 --> 00:10:48,246
And I just couldn't let him spend
Christmas Eve alone...
185
00:10:48,419 --> 00:10:51,582
...rattling around his 25,000-square-foot
Beverly Hills mansion...
186
00:10:51,756 --> 00:10:54,623
...with adjoining guesthouse,
Olympic-size saltwater pool...
187
00:10:54,792 --> 00:10:56,123
...and home theater.
188
00:10:56,293 --> 00:11:00,354
- There it is.
- Are you really this hard up for a listing?
189
00:11:01,198 --> 00:11:06,431
Alan, it's a 60-million-dollar home.
My commission will be almost 2 million.
190
00:11:06,604 --> 00:11:08,401
How much did you make last year?
191
00:11:09,807 --> 00:11:14,437
- Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper.
- What are you shouting for?
192
00:11:14,612 --> 00:11:18,070
- I'm incontinent, not deaf.
- Sorry.
193
00:11:18,249 --> 00:11:19,443
What?
194
00:11:21,218 --> 00:11:24,881
- Have an Abba-Zaba, Marty.
- Thank you.
195
00:11:25,056 --> 00:11:29,755
- Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball?
- Yes, you did, dear.
196
00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:32,725
You know, she wasn't a real redhead.
197
00:11:32,897 --> 00:11:35,229
Ask me how I know.
198
00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:37,890
Warning: It's dirty.
199
00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:41,728
I think Celeste knows
I'm seeing another woman.
200
00:11:41,906 --> 00:11:44,067
- What? Why?
- She's texting me.
201
00:11:44,241 --> 00:11:46,106
- What are you talking about?
- Nothing.
202
00:11:46,277 --> 00:11:48,404
Jake has a shot
at some out-of-town strange.
203
00:11:48,579 --> 00:11:50,672
You see how he is corrupting
your grandson?
204
00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:53,976
Oh, come on, Alan,
it's out-of-town strange.
205
00:11:56,087 --> 00:11:57,918
- You really have a shot?
- I don't know.
206
00:11:58,089 --> 00:11:59,647
Uncle Charlie seems to think so.
207
00:11:59,824 --> 00:12:04,158
Tell her you wanna get her
her own sitcom. Never fails.
208
00:12:04,328 --> 00:12:05,556
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
209
00:12:05,763 --> 00:12:07,355
There she is again. What do I do?
210
00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:11,160
Just text her back, "Thinking of you,"
which you are, so you're not lying.
211
00:12:11,335 --> 00:12:13,303
- That's good.
- This may be your house...
212
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:16,463
...but this is my son.
- You've been living here seven years...
213
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,007
...which makes us a common-law
couple, which makes him our son.
214
00:12:21,145 --> 00:12:25,275
Homos with a kid!
A great idea for a sitcom.
215
00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:29,813
It worked. She wrote back,
"Merry Christmas. I miz you."
216
00:12:29,987 --> 00:12:34,856
- Then write back, "I miz you too."
- Man, you are good.
217
00:12:36,994 --> 00:12:40,361
Look at that.
Our little boy is growing up.
218
00:12:40,531 --> 00:12:43,557
How would you feel
about us having another child?
219
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:53,937
[SINGING]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
220
00:12:54,845 --> 00:12:57,837
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
221
00:12:58,382 --> 00:13:01,351
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
222
00:13:02,253 --> 00:13:05,154
Now the jingle hop has begun
223
00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:08,491
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
224
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,357
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
225
00:13:12,730 --> 00:13:16,029
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
226
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:18,964
In the frosty air
227
00:13:19,303 --> 00:13:22,739
What a bright time, it's the right time
228
00:13:22,907 --> 00:13:25,239
To rock the night away
229
00:13:26,577 --> 00:13:29,910
Jingle bell time is a swell time
230
00:13:30,781 --> 00:13:33,773
To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh
231
00:13:33,951 --> 00:13:36,920
Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
232
00:13:37,288 --> 00:13:39,313
Jingle around the clock
233
00:13:39,657 --> 00:13:43,320
- Alan.
- Mix and mingle with the jingling feet
234
00:13:43,594 --> 00:13:45,858
- Alan.
- That's the jingle bell
235
00:13:46,464 --> 00:13:50,366
- That's the jingle bell...
- Alan!
236
00:14:00,444 --> 00:14:03,641
Forty years ago, you asked
for a little brother for Christmas.
237
00:14:04,114 --> 00:14:06,014
Happy?
238
00:14:07,284 --> 00:14:10,879
That's the jingle bell rock!
239
00:14:16,293 --> 00:14:17,760
Can somebody move me?
240
00:14:17,928 --> 00:14:21,489
My chestnuts are roasting
by this open fire.
241
00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:26,626
Is that you?
I thought Alan burned the ham.
242
00:14:30,341 --> 00:14:33,538
Berta, don't you wanna spend
Christmas with your family?
243
00:14:33,711 --> 00:14:36,009
Do you wanna spend Christmas
with yours?
244
00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:38,376
Let me freshen your drink.
245
00:14:40,718 --> 00:14:43,846
What is that fragrance you're wearing,
my dear?
246
00:14:44,321 --> 00:14:46,346
Ben-Gay and foot powder.
247
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:51,386
Whatever it is, it's making me hot.
248
00:14:52,196 --> 00:14:55,461
Turkey's almost done. Aren't you
gonna put on some nice clothes?
249
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:59,160
Why? It's just gonna be you, me,
Chelsea, Berta, Mom...
250
00:14:59,336 --> 00:15:01,600
...and the Ghost of Show Biz Past.
251
00:15:01,772 --> 00:15:02,864
Well, and Jake.
252
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,235
- No. Jake split.
- What?
253
00:15:05,409 --> 00:15:08,003
- He's hanging with his new girlfriend.
- Where?
254
00:15:08,178 --> 00:15:11,113
Her aunt's house. I think
they got the place to themselves...
255
00:15:11,282 --> 00:15:14,718
...so he might get a little, you know,
peace on earth tonight.
256
00:15:15,386 --> 00:15:17,854
How do you make everything
sound dirty?
257
00:15:18,022 --> 00:15:19,284
Hey, I took the high road.
258
00:15:19,456 --> 00:15:22,653
I could've gone with,
"Come, all ye faithful."
259
00:15:24,895 --> 00:15:26,863
- He needs to be home.
- Oh, come on, Alan.
260
00:15:27,031 --> 00:15:29,932
- He's got a real shot with that girl.
- It's Christmas Eve.
261
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,467
- So?
- So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid.
262
00:15:34,038 --> 00:15:37,804
This is your father. Whatever you're
doing, stop it and get your ass home.
263
00:15:37,975 --> 00:15:40,910
- What's he doing? Decking her hall?
- Shut up.
264
00:15:42,346 --> 00:15:44,814
No, right now, mister.
265
00:15:45,416 --> 00:15:48,408
Fine, bring her back here if you want.
266
00:15:48,619 --> 00:15:50,246
Yes, there's still pie left.
267
00:15:50,588 --> 00:15:51,919
[DOORBELL RINGS]
268
00:15:54,425 --> 00:15:55,915
What are you looking at?
269
00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:04,589
How would you like
to have your own sitcom?
270
00:16:05,536 --> 00:16:08,835
- Hi. Is Jake home?
EVELYN: I don't know.
271
00:16:09,006 --> 00:16:12,498
Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted
to give Jake his Christmas present.
272
00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:15,144
EVELYN: Please come in.
- Ah, crap.
273
00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:18,378
Wow, check out the mom.
274
00:16:18,549 --> 00:16:21,177
Forget the mom.
Get rid of them before Jake walks in...
275
00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:23,513
...with another girl.
- Yeah, yeah. Good idea.
276
00:16:23,687 --> 00:16:27,282
Hi. Hi.
I'm Alan, Jake's divorced father.
277
00:16:27,791 --> 00:16:30,885
- Keisha, Celeste's mother.
- Her mother?
278
00:16:31,061 --> 00:16:33,962
- Oh, please. You look like her sister.
- You're sweet.
279
00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:35,621
And single.
280
00:16:35,799 --> 00:16:37,266
Where's Jake?
281
00:16:38,035 --> 00:16:41,937
- Uh. Um, uh, uh, the...
- Actually...
282
00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:46,133
...he's, uh, distributing corn dogs
to the homeless tonight.
283
00:16:47,478 --> 00:16:49,412
But we'll make sure he gets your gift.
284
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:52,208
Thanks for stopping by.
Merry Christmas.
285
00:16:53,951 --> 00:16:56,977
- Jake?
- Oh, hi.
286
00:16:57,154 --> 00:16:58,451
Who's this?
287
00:16:59,289 --> 00:17:02,383
Um, I don't know.
288
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:07,856
- Who's she?
- Uh, Uncle Charlie?
289
00:17:08,732 --> 00:17:10,996
I don't know what to tell you, pal.
290
00:17:11,702 --> 00:17:13,397
It happens.
291
00:17:14,138 --> 00:17:17,005
- You said you didn't have a girlfriend.
- He doesn't.
292
00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:20,176
- Would you like some eggnog?
- You've got to be kidding.
293
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,912
- You want some pie?
- You are such a liar.
294
00:17:25,416 --> 00:17:27,441
Why all the yelling? What's going on?
295
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:30,212
- Uncle Charlie just ruined my life.
- What?
296
00:17:30,387 --> 00:17:34,289
He said it was okay to see other girls
as long as my girlfriend wasn't around.
297
00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:39,088
- Really? Is that what you believe?
- No, no, no. Not at all.
298
00:17:39,263 --> 00:17:42,562
He completely misunderstood me.
Merry Christmas.
299
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,735
Yeah, right.
300
00:17:45,903 --> 00:17:47,803
Nice going.
301
00:17:51,508 --> 00:17:53,100
Would you like a lick?
302
00:17:54,278 --> 00:17:56,439
Not of that.
303
00:18:09,893 --> 00:18:13,795
- You wanna take your hand off my leg?
- I certainly do not.
304
00:18:22,306 --> 00:18:23,603
Love you.
305
00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:26,504
Yeah? Who do you love
when I'm not around?
306
00:18:28,345 --> 00:18:31,906
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
you really suck, you know that?
307
00:18:32,082 --> 00:18:34,277
Yeah, I've been told.
308
00:18:34,985 --> 00:18:40,013
Listen, Jake, would it be creepy
for you if I called Celeste's mom?
309
00:18:40,724 --> 00:18:42,282
Are you insane?
310
00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:45,590
Think about it.
311
00:18:46,797 --> 00:18:49,925
Here you go, sweetie.
Bite-size. Easy to chew.
312
00:18:53,170 --> 00:18:54,660
Marty?
313
00:18:54,838 --> 00:18:56,635
God. Marty?
314
00:18:57,141 --> 00:19:00,542
Ha! Just messing with you, you vulture.
315
00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:03,509
She thinks she's gonna sell my house
when I'm dead.
316
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,944
But I ain't going.
317
00:19:06,817 --> 00:19:11,049
Oops. Actually, I am going.
318
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:16,158
Merry Christmas, everybody.
319
00:19:46,123 --> 00:19:48,114
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]