1
00:00:05,076 --> 00:00:07,476
MAN [ON TV]: <i>You don't have to be</i>
<i>a prisoner of depression.</i>

2
00:00:07,645 --> 00:00:09,738
<i>Unlock the door</i>
<i>of darkness and despair...</i>

3
00:00:09,948 --> 00:00:12,542
<i>... and step into the sunlight</i>
<i>with Lumitrol.</i>

4
00:00:12,717 --> 00:00:15,845
<i>If you're taking an MAO inhibitor,</i>
<i>consult your physician.</i>

5
00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:17,446
<i>- Tremors, nausea...</i>

6
00:00:17,622 --> 00:00:19,089
You should try that stuff.

7
00:00:19,257 --> 00:00:21,191
What for? I'm not depressed.

8
00:00:21,359 --> 00:00:25,728
- Really? Why not?
- What have I got to be depressed about?

9
00:00:25,897 --> 00:00:28,593
You've been divorced twice,
you live on your brother's couch...

10
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:31,361
...and your only child
is flunking tenth grade.

11
00:00:32,504 --> 00:00:35,029
You're flunking tenth grade?
When did this happen?

12
00:00:35,206 --> 00:00:37,936
Easy, dude. I think you got
bigger things to worry about.

13
00:00:39,978 --> 00:00:41,912
CHELSEA:
Charlie, you're being an ass about this.

14
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,672
CHARLIE:
I said no. End of discussion.

15
00:00:43,848 --> 00:00:45,645
Yeah, that'll do it.

16
00:00:45,817 --> 00:00:49,446
It's a couple dance lessons so we
don't look like idiots at our wedding.

17
00:00:49,621 --> 00:00:52,954
I've said yes to everything
having to do with this stupid wedding...

18
00:00:53,124 --> 00:00:54,318
...but this is too much.

19
00:00:54,492 --> 00:00:58,087
- You think our wedding is stupid?
- Lf I have to dance it is.

20
00:00:58,263 --> 00:01:00,595
You know what, just drop dead.

21
00:01:00,765 --> 00:01:04,701
Fine, I'll drop dead
and you can dance on my grave.

22
00:01:19,384 --> 00:01:23,377
You do know you're going to be taking
dancing lessons?

23
00:01:23,555 --> 00:01:25,420
Oh, yeah.

24
00:01:25,590 --> 00:01:27,353
Does that depress you?

25
00:01:27,525 --> 00:01:31,518
- A little.
- May I suggest you try Lumitrol.

26
00:01:33,164 --> 00:01:35,724
- What?
- Unless you're taking an MAO inhibitor.

27
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:38,596
In which case, consult your physician.

28
00:01:38,770 --> 00:01:42,501
Hard to believe
he's flunking tenth grade.

29
00:01:42,674 --> 00:01:44,665
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]

30
00:02:14,439 --> 00:02:16,202
- Hey.
- Hey.

31
00:02:16,374 --> 00:02:18,535
Did you cave on the dancing?

32
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:21,204
- Yeah.
- You have to grovel?

33
00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:25,211
Like a leper at a kissing booth.

34
00:02:25,650 --> 00:02:27,242
Did you at least get make-up sex?

35
00:02:27,418 --> 00:02:30,717
- Nope.
- Wow, it's like you're already married.

36
00:02:31,623 --> 00:02:33,648
I might as well give her my testicles...

37
00:02:33,825 --> 00:02:36,191
...and use the empty sack
as a man purse.

38
00:02:36,361 --> 00:02:40,923
Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse.
Terrific way to carry your keys...

39
00:02:41,099 --> 00:02:44,535
...ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes.

40
00:02:45,136 --> 00:02:46,603
Please move out of my house.

41
00:02:47,038 --> 00:02:52,101
Hey, face it, big brother, we're a team.
Like Ernest and Julio Gallo.

42
00:02:53,077 --> 00:02:56,979
Seriously, get some cardboard boxes,
fill them with your crap and go.

43
00:02:57,148 --> 00:03:00,140
See, that's just misdirected anger.
You're not mad at me...

44
00:03:00,318 --> 00:03:03,651
...you're mad at yourself for trading
your dignity and self-respect...

45
00:03:03,821 --> 00:03:06,051
...for security,
peace of mind and regular sex.

46
00:03:06,224 --> 00:03:07,657
Where do you get that?

47
00:03:07,825 --> 00:03:09,417
I've been married twice, Julio.

48
00:03:11,663 --> 00:03:14,791
The key is to make the best of it.
Like the dance lessons.

49
00:03:14,966 --> 00:03:18,527
They can be fun.
You and Chelsea practicing...

50
00:03:18,736 --> 00:03:22,433
...learning to glide across
the dance floor as a single organism...

51
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:25,405
...embracing the music
like the breath of life itself.

52
00:03:26,311 --> 00:03:30,247
Okay, first decorate my house
then move out.

53
00:03:30,415 --> 00:03:32,383
Cute.
You'll see on your wedding day...

54
00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:35,644
...when you step out onto
the dance floor with your new bride...

55
00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:38,618
...and sweep her into your arms
with everybody watching.

56
00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:42,682
- Sorry, I can't see it.
- Let me help you.

57
00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:46,057
[SINGING] <i>Precious and few</i>
<i>Are the moments</i>

58
00:03:46,231 --> 00:03:52,431
<i>We two can share</i>

59
00:03:53,504 --> 00:03:55,802
How'd you know
that's the song she wants?

60
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,670
Who do you think suggested it to her?

61
00:03:58,843 --> 00:04:02,472
Okay. Let's see what you got.

62
00:04:03,181 --> 00:04:04,978
- What?
- Dance with me. Come on.

63
00:04:05,650 --> 00:04:07,550
Are you out of your mind?

64
00:04:07,719 --> 00:04:11,450
- I'm just gonna give you a few tips.
- Keep your tip away from me.

65
00:04:11,623 --> 00:04:13,250
You can embarrass yourself now...

66
00:04:13,424 --> 00:04:15,915
...or embarrass yourself
at your first dance class...

67
00:04:16,094 --> 00:04:18,426
...in front of Chelsea
and a bunch of strangers.

68
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:26,099
Okay, I just want you to know
I'm only letting you touch me...

69
00:04:26,304 --> 00:04:28,602
...because I'm half in the bag.

70
00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:31,741
Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that.

71
00:04:32,844 --> 00:04:35,779
Now, put your right hand
on my lower back.

72
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:38,973
- And your left hand holds my right hand.
- Okay.

73
00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:42,278
Whoa, whoa. We're not cracking walnuts.

74
00:04:42,453 --> 00:04:44,921
Firmly but gently,
like you hold a baby bird.

75
00:04:45,089 --> 00:04:46,488
I've never held a baby bird.

76
00:04:46,658 --> 00:04:48,023
Okay, like you hold a boob.

77
00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:51,357
- I am holding a boob.
- Ha, ha.

78
00:04:51,529 --> 00:04:54,521
We start with a simple waltz.
You're the boy, I'm the girl.

79
00:04:54,699 --> 00:04:56,894
That's how it'd break down in prison.

80
00:04:57,068 --> 00:05:00,037
I don't know, Charlie,
you've always been the pretty one.

81
00:05:00,204 --> 00:05:04,300
And one, two, three,
two, two, three...

82
00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:06,966
...one, two, three, two, two, three.

83
00:05:07,145 --> 00:05:09,204
Okay, you have to back off a half step.

84
00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:12,213
There's no groin contact
in ballroom dancing.

85
00:05:13,451 --> 00:05:16,352
I wonder if that's why
they call it "ball room."

86
00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:22,289
Man, your grandmother really did
a number on those poor bastards.

87
00:05:25,163 --> 00:05:27,927
It's a miracle I turned out
as well as I did.

88
00:05:35,206 --> 00:05:38,300
[PLAYING "PRECIOUS AND FEW"]

89
00:05:41,512 --> 00:05:45,471
[PLAYING CHOPIN'S "FUNERAL MARCH"]

90
00:05:48,586 --> 00:05:51,111
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
wanna dance with me?

91
00:05:51,289 --> 00:05:54,019
Hey, Jake,
wanna live in a foster home?

92
00:05:54,192 --> 00:05:56,126
Sometimes.

93
00:05:56,294 --> 00:05:59,161
Don't sass me, boy.
I'll take the switch to you.

94
00:06:01,532 --> 00:06:02,999
Hello, man of my dreams.

95
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:04,964
Hello, love of my life.

96
00:06:05,136 --> 00:06:06,831
Hello, reason I go to therapy.

97
00:06:07,004 --> 00:06:09,564
You go to therapy
because you're weak.

98
00:06:09,741 --> 00:06:12,232
I'm weak because you broke my spirit
at age 5.

99
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,139
Oh, boo-hoo for you.

100
00:06:14,312 --> 00:06:16,507
Guys, guys,
can we please not do this?

101
00:06:16,681 --> 00:06:19,172
- What?
- Just saying hello.

102
00:06:20,518 --> 00:06:23,146
I'm gonna go put this stuff away.
Thanks for the scarf.

103
00:06:23,588 --> 00:06:26,648
EVELYN: My pleasure, dear.
It looks beautiful on you.

104
00:06:26,824 --> 00:06:28,655
CHELSEA:
Thank you.

105
00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:31,659
- That woman is just a treasure.
- I know.

106
00:06:31,829 --> 00:06:33,820
- Worth her weight in gold.
- Yes, she is.

107
00:06:33,998 --> 00:06:37,229
Speaking of which, have you
talked to her about a prenup?

108
00:06:37,435 --> 00:06:39,926
What? No, I'm not gonna ask her
for a prenup.

109
00:06:40,104 --> 00:06:43,870
Charles, 50 percent of all marriages
end in divorce.

110
00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:47,943
And guess which half the guys
who can't keep it in their pants fall into?

111
00:06:48,112 --> 00:06:50,672
Hey, I have never once cheated
on Chelsea.

112
00:06:50,848 --> 00:06:53,681
- How long have you known her?
- About a year and a half.

113
00:06:53,851 --> 00:06:56,183
How long do you plan on
being married?

114
00:06:57,755 --> 00:07:00,383
Criminy, I need a prenup.

115
00:07:03,461 --> 00:07:04,621
[WALTZ PLAYING OVER STEREO]

116
00:07:04,796 --> 00:07:07,765
And one, two, three, one, two, three.

117
00:07:07,965 --> 00:07:11,423
Very nice, two, three.

118
00:07:11,602 --> 00:07:14,537
You're doing great, sweetie.
Have you been practicing?

119
00:07:14,705 --> 00:07:18,698
No, no. No. I'm a musician.
It's instinctive.

120
00:07:19,844 --> 00:07:22,438
So the pictures Jake e-mailed me
of you and Alan...

121
00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:26,174
...was just what,
a tender moment between brothers?

122
00:07:28,352 --> 00:07:32,015
How old do kids have to be
before it's legal to punch them?

123
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:35,057
Oh, come on, you'd never hit Jake.

124
00:07:35,226 --> 00:07:38,889
That's exactly what I want you to tell
Child Services.

125
00:07:39,397 --> 00:07:42,230
I think it's great you cared
enough about this to practice.

126
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,163
So I get some points in the bank?

127
00:07:44,335 --> 00:07:47,065
- Whole bunch.
- Good, good.

128
00:07:47,238 --> 00:07:50,264
Hey, speaking of banks...

129
00:07:50,441 --> 00:07:53,205
...l've been thinking.
Now don't overreact...

130
00:07:53,377 --> 00:07:58,610
...but maybe we should talk about
the possibility of getting some kind of a...

131
00:07:58,783 --> 00:08:00,774
What do you call them? ...prenup.

132
00:08:02,386 --> 00:08:04,581
Sure. Want your lawyer
to draw it up or mine?

133
00:08:04,755 --> 00:08:08,282
INSTRUCTOR: Now switch partners
with the couple to your left.

134
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:14,856
- Hello.
- Hi.

135
00:08:15,032 --> 00:08:17,466
- Are you two getting married?
- Yeah.

136
00:08:17,635 --> 00:08:22,800
That's wonderful. It took me 38 years
to get my husband to dance with me.

137
00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:24,764
Well, better late than never.

138
00:08:24,942 --> 00:08:28,207
He's doing it now because I caught
him banging our church organist.

139
00:08:31,449 --> 00:08:33,644
Oh.

140
00:08:33,818 --> 00:08:37,720
Wanna help a nice lady
give a little payback?

141
00:08:38,789 --> 00:08:39,949
Switch!

142
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:43,620
Hi. Missed you.

143
00:08:43,794 --> 00:08:45,284
Me too.

144
00:08:45,463 --> 00:08:48,455
So you were saying you're okay
with the prenup thing?

145
00:08:48,633 --> 00:08:51,295
Yeah. I was trying to figure
out a way to bring it up.

146
00:08:51,469 --> 00:08:53,596
Really? Why were you
gonna bring it up?

147
00:08:53,771 --> 00:08:57,639
Well, I just think it's smart for both
of us to protect our property.

148
00:08:57,808 --> 00:08:59,571
What property do you have?

149
00:09:00,311 --> 00:09:02,438
Not a lot. Just a little real estate.

150
00:09:03,214 --> 00:09:04,442
Real estate?

151
00:09:04,615 --> 00:09:07,140
No big deal.
Just a few apartment buildings.

152
00:09:07,318 --> 00:09:09,616
- Buildings?
INSTRUCTOR: And switch.

153
00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:12,820
Keep walking, pal.

154
00:09:12,990 --> 00:09:15,754
When were you planning on telling me
you own buildings?

155
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,191
I didn't think it was that important.

156
00:09:18,362 --> 00:09:20,592
It's important enough for you
to want a prenup.

157
00:09:20,765 --> 00:09:24,292
- You're the one who brought it up.
- But I'm not hiding anything from you.

158
00:09:24,468 --> 00:09:27,335
You know everything I've got.
A house on the beach...

159
00:09:27,505 --> 00:09:31,532
...a car in the garage and
a worthless douche in my guest room.

160
00:09:32,743 --> 00:09:35,007
What about all the royalties
from your music?

161
00:09:35,179 --> 00:09:38,171
Yeah, well, you've got buildings.

162
00:09:39,183 --> 00:09:40,343
Just three.

163
00:09:41,018 --> 00:09:43,885
- Just three?
- Why are you getting so upset?

164
00:09:44,055 --> 00:09:49,186
I thought I knew you. I had no idea
you had some secret life as a slumlord.

165
00:09:49,627 --> 00:09:50,685
I'm not a slumlord.

166
00:09:50,861 --> 00:09:53,227
Two are in the marina
and one's in Brentwood.

167
00:09:53,664 --> 00:09:56,633
- Oh, my God, that's even worse.
- Why?

168
00:09:56,801 --> 00:09:58,564
We've been together
almost two years.

169
00:09:58,736 --> 00:10:02,399
Would it have killed you to pick up
a check once in a while?

170
00:10:02,573 --> 00:10:04,370
Switch.

171
00:10:05,810 --> 00:10:07,300
Hello again.

172
00:10:15,286 --> 00:10:18,722
MAN [ON VIDEO]: <i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>please welcome for the first time...</i>

173
00:10:18,889 --> 00:10:23,258
<i>... as husband and wife</i>
<i>Mr. And Mrs. Alan Harper.</i>

174
00:10:23,427 --> 00:10:25,861
[BILL MEDLEY & JENNIFER WARNES'
"THE TIME OF MY LIFE" PLAYING ON VIDEO]

175
00:10:26,030 --> 00:10:30,160
[SINGING]
<i>Now I've had the time of my life</i>

176
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:34,395
<i>No, I never felt like this before</i>

177
00:10:34,572 --> 00:10:38,668
<i>Yes, I swear</i>
<i>It's the truth</i>

178
00:10:38,843 --> 00:10:41,744
<i>And I owe it all to you</i>

179
00:10:41,912 --> 00:10:47,748
[IN HIGH PITCH]
<i>Cos I had the time of my life</i>

180
00:10:47,918 --> 00:10:50,887
<i>And I owe it all to you</i>

181
00:10:51,055 --> 00:10:52,181
[DOOR SLAMS]

182
00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:54,051
[VIDEO STOPS]

183
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,526
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, how was dance lessons?

184
00:10:58,896 --> 00:11:00,796
You wanna know
how dance lessons were?

185
00:11:00,965 --> 00:11:04,731
I'll tell you how dance lessons were.
Chelsea wants a freaking prenup.

186
00:11:04,902 --> 00:11:07,803
Just because you dance
like a middle-aged white guy?

187
00:11:07,972 --> 00:11:10,133
- I am not middle-aged.
- Oh, sorry.

188
00:11:10,308 --> 00:11:11,775
You. You're middle-aged.

189
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:13,775
I'm younger than you.

190
00:11:13,944 --> 00:11:17,971
You're also broke, losing your hair
and sleeping on my hide-a-bed.

191
00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:21,516
Always gotta bring a gun
to a knife fight, don't you?

192
00:11:23,387 --> 00:11:26,049
- What the hell are you watching?
- It's my wedding video.

193
00:11:26,223 --> 00:11:27,884
No kidding. Where am I?

194
00:11:28,059 --> 00:11:30,550
In the coatroom
banging Judith's sister.

195
00:11:30,728 --> 00:11:34,664
Oh, right. Wish you had that video.

196
00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:37,429
So why does Chelsea want a prenup?

197
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:41,594
She's got three apartment buildings
she doesn't want me to get my hands on.

198
00:11:41,772 --> 00:11:44,002
Really?
Anything I could live in for free?

199
00:11:44,175 --> 00:11:47,576
You know, house-sit,
building manager in lieu of rent.

200
00:11:48,379 --> 00:11:51,177
- How did this become about you?
- Fine, I'll stay here.

201
00:11:51,349 --> 00:11:53,715
Oh, good, I was worried.

202
00:11:54,285 --> 00:11:57,277
The point is, Chelsea's been keeping
a secret from me.

203
00:11:57,455 --> 00:12:01,152
Maybe she wants to make sure you loved
her for herself and not her property.

204
00:12:01,325 --> 00:12:03,316
Oh, so I don't even get the choice?

205
00:12:03,861 --> 00:12:05,453
I would think you would be happy.

206
00:12:05,663 --> 00:12:08,097
She's well-off
and doesn't care about your money.

207
00:12:08,265 --> 00:12:11,132
- Which makes me trust her even less.
- What?

208
00:12:11,302 --> 00:12:12,633
Alan, think it through.

209
00:12:12,803 --> 00:12:16,432
If she's not interested in my money,
then why is she marrying me?

210
00:12:18,309 --> 00:12:20,277
I have no idea.

211
00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:27,049
Exactly. We may have to consider
the possibility that Chelsea's insane.

212
00:12:27,785 --> 00:12:29,776
I see your point.

213
00:12:33,724 --> 00:12:35,555
She look like she's sorry?

214
00:12:37,995 --> 00:12:40,896
Yeah. Sorry she ever met you.

215
00:12:41,599 --> 00:12:44,033
- Hey, Chels.
- Hello, Alan.

216
00:12:44,201 --> 00:12:48,001
Brr. I think my nipples just got hard.

217
00:12:48,973 --> 00:12:50,338
Yeah, well, too bad.

218
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:53,443
She deceived me and doesn't trust
our marriage is gonna last.

219
00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,579
Aren't you the one
who wanted the prenup?

220
00:12:55,746 --> 00:12:56,838
- That's different.
- How?

221
00:12:57,014 --> 00:13:00,245
Because when I brought it up
I thought I had more stuff than her.

222
00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:01,942
Okay, let me get this straight.

223
00:13:02,119 --> 00:13:05,646
You're upset because you're marrying
a woman whose only character flaw...

224
00:13:05,823 --> 00:13:08,451
...is that she happens
to have her own money?

225
00:13:08,626 --> 00:13:10,787
I knew you wouldn't understand.

226
00:13:14,899 --> 00:13:16,127
[REMOTE CLICKS]

227
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,427
<i>So we take each other's hands</i>

228
00:13:18,602 --> 00:13:24,097
<i>Cos we seem to understand the urgency</i>

229
00:13:24,275 --> 00:13:26,505
<i>Just remember</i>

230
00:13:26,677 --> 00:13:29,612
<i>You're the one thing</i>

231
00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:32,840
<i>I can't get enough of</i>

232
00:13:33,017 --> 00:13:36,248
That's the last time
she ever moved her pelvis like that.

233
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:53,227
Are we gonna talk or are you
gonna sit there pretending to read?

234
00:13:53,404 --> 00:13:55,167
I'm not pretending.

235
00:13:55,339 --> 00:13:58,604
If I didn't know how to read,
I would've told you a long time ago.

236
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:01,836
I wouldn't have deceived you.

237
00:14:02,012 --> 00:14:03,274
Don't be such a child.

238
00:14:03,814 --> 00:14:06,612
I'm the child? You're the one
who's been keeping secrets.

239
00:14:06,784 --> 00:14:10,720
It wasn't really a secret.
I would've told you if you'd asked.

240
00:14:12,389 --> 00:14:16,792
Oh, really? So it's my fault
that I didn't ask if you're a land baron?

241
00:14:18,028 --> 00:14:19,620
What else should I be asking you?

242
00:14:19,797 --> 00:14:23,426
Were you born with a penis?
Is this your home planet?

243
00:14:24,101 --> 00:14:26,035
- Okay, now you're being ridiculous.
- No.

244
00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:28,569
What I'm being is committed
to this relationship.

245
00:14:28,739 --> 00:14:29,967
Really? You're committed?

246
00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,506
Yes, and I've jumped through hoops
to prove it.

247
00:14:32,676 --> 00:14:35,907
- What hoops? Dancing lessons?
- No, not dancing lessons.

248
00:14:37,147 --> 00:14:39,115
Yeah, okay, dancing lessons.

249
00:14:39,316 --> 00:14:40,442
And meeting your mom.

250
00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:43,746
And being nice to your friends,
even the ones that don't like me.

251
00:14:43,921 --> 00:14:46,116
And letting you put
these pillows on my bed.

252
00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:48,188
- Did I complain about that?
- Constantly.

253
00:14:48,359 --> 00:14:50,589
And yet here they are.

254
00:14:51,362 --> 00:14:54,889
With your frilly curtains
and your girly lamps.

255
00:14:55,065 --> 00:14:57,693
It's like living inside
the <i>I Dream of Jeannie</i> bottle.

256
00:14:58,335 --> 00:15:01,236
I'm supposed to be grateful because
you've behaved the way...

257
00:15:01,405 --> 00:15:04,306
...a fiancé is supposed to behave
towards the woman he loves?

258
00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:08,639
Oh, yeah, okay, I see.
Now you're gonna turn it around on me.

259
00:15:08,846 --> 00:15:10,143
Make me the bad guy.

260
00:15:10,314 --> 00:15:13,112
- Where are you going?
- I'm sleeping on the couch.

261
00:15:13,284 --> 00:15:14,410
In my house.

262
00:15:14,585 --> 00:15:18,749
Which you know I own because
I bragged about it the first night we met.

263
00:15:23,794 --> 00:15:26,024
- Alan.
- What? What's wrong?

264
00:15:26,797 --> 00:15:28,059
Chelsea and I had a fight.

265
00:15:28,232 --> 00:15:30,200
I'm sorry. You wanna talk about it?

266
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,835
I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.

267
00:15:33,504 --> 00:15:36,302
If you had the fight,
why do I have to sleep on the couch?

268
00:15:36,473 --> 00:15:39,601
You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?

269
00:15:40,010 --> 00:15:41,204
Get out.

270
00:15:41,378 --> 00:15:44,506
Just using the word "please"
would go such a long way with me.

271
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:49,585
Fair enough. Please get out before
I pull your pajama bottoms up so far...

272
00:15:49,753 --> 00:15:52,654
...you'll be wearing your balls
as a bolo tie.

273
00:15:54,525 --> 00:15:56,083
There, was that so hard?

274
00:16:18,782 --> 00:16:21,615
I'm sorry for keeping a secret
from you.

275
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:39,425
Is there any way I can make it up
to you?

276
00:16:41,438 --> 00:16:43,201
Okay, I would be remiss...

277
00:16:43,374 --> 00:16:45,774
[CHELSEA SCREAMS]

278
00:16:46,644 --> 00:16:48,236
ALAN:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

279
00:16:48,412 --> 00:16:51,074
- You let me lay naked on you.
- I didn't know it was you.

280
00:16:51,248 --> 00:16:54,046
I thought it was a dream.
I didn't know what to say.

281
00:16:54,218 --> 00:16:55,549
And you're so soft and so warm...

282
00:16:55,719 --> 00:16:57,277
[GROANING]

283
00:16:57,454 --> 00:16:59,820
Oh, I deserved that.

284
00:17:01,692 --> 00:17:04,820
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Your brother's a pervert!

285
00:17:04,995 --> 00:17:06,895
You woke me up to tell me that?

286
00:17:07,665 --> 00:17:10,099
I came down here to apologize
for keeping a secret.

287
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,394
It was dark,
and I thought it was you...

288
00:17:12,569 --> 00:17:15,436
...so I laid down naked on him
and he let me.

289
00:17:15,606 --> 00:17:18,939
You let Chelsea lie... Wait a minute.
You came down to apologize?

290
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:21,010
Yes.

291
00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:23,669
So you're saying I'm right
and you're wrong?

292
00:17:24,214 --> 00:17:25,238
Yes. You're right.

293
00:17:25,749 --> 00:17:28,013
Excuse me, I didn't quite get that.

294
00:17:28,185 --> 00:17:31,018
Do you wanna gloat or do you wanna
let me make it up to you?

295
00:17:31,188 --> 00:17:32,780
Make up. I choose make up.

296
00:17:33,290 --> 00:17:36,054
- Then come on.
- Right behind you.

297
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,452
You sick freak.

298
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:39,562
[ALAN SCREAMS]

299
00:17:45,235 --> 00:17:46,361
Still worth it.

300
00:17:56,513 --> 00:18:00,677
Eventually,
Alan's bed-wetting stopped.

301
00:18:00,851 --> 00:18:04,878
At least I hope it did
for the sake of the honeymoon.

302
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,849
Unless, of course,
you're into that kind of thing.

303
00:18:12,362 --> 00:18:14,489
To Alan and Judith.

304
00:18:14,665 --> 00:18:16,633
MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: Yeah.

305
00:18:18,769 --> 00:18:23,229
And now I'd like
to introduce the best man...

306
00:18:23,407 --> 00:18:27,434
...although I consider him
to be a bitter disappointment...

307
00:18:27,611 --> 00:18:30,705
...Alan's brother, Charlie.

308
00:18:30,881 --> 00:18:32,712
Charlie?

309
00:18:34,218 --> 00:18:35,617
Charlie?

310
00:18:35,786 --> 00:18:37,879
Charles.

311
00:18:38,355 --> 00:18:40,118
CHARLIE:
Coming.

312
00:18:47,197 --> 00:18:49,062
What's going on?

313
00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:53,397
You're making a toast
to your brother and his bride.

314
00:18:53,570 --> 00:18:55,504
How am I doing?

315
00:18:56,573 --> 00:18:58,097
Make the toast.

316
00:18:58,275 --> 00:18:59,867
Okay.

317
00:19:01,078 --> 00:19:04,479
Can I throw in a word
about the bride's sister?

318
00:19:04,648 --> 00:19:07,708
- No.
- Got it.

319
00:19:07,951 --> 00:19:12,945
Well, just FYI,
that word would've been "nasty."

320
00:19:15,092 --> 00:19:19,961
Don't look at me like that, Judy.
Your sister's a freak.

321
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:22,655
[SINGING]
<i>She's a super freak, super freak</i>

322
00:19:22,833 --> 00:19:26,132
<i>She's super freaky</i>
<i>Super freak, super freak</i>

323
00:19:26,303 --> 00:19:28,965
Unbelievable.

324
00:19:58,402 --> 00:20:00,393
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]