1
00:00:04,809 --> 00:00:07,801
[PANTING]
2
00:00:12,317 --> 00:00:14,046
Wow.
3
00:00:14,219 --> 00:00:16,050
That was great.
4
00:00:16,221 --> 00:00:17,711
Good, I'm glad.
5
00:00:18,890 --> 00:00:21,381
Wait, wait, wait. You're glad?
6
00:00:22,494 --> 00:00:24,223
Yeah.
7
00:00:24,396 --> 00:00:26,364
I knew it.
8
00:00:26,531 --> 00:00:29,295
- There was no "gaa."
- Gaa?
9
00:00:30,168 --> 00:00:35,401
When the sex is working for you, you
try to say "God" but it comes out "gaa."
10
00:00:35,573 --> 00:00:38,041
This time, there was no "gaa."
11
00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:41,508
- Charlie.
- No "gaa," no good.
12
00:00:43,415 --> 00:00:44,939
I'll tell you another thing.
13
00:00:45,116 --> 00:00:49,177
You usually grab my ass like you're
holding a tree trunk in a hurricane.
14
00:00:49,754 --> 00:00:54,088
Just now, it was like you were palming
a couple cantaloupes at the supermarket.
15
00:00:54,259 --> 00:00:57,387
Fireworks don't have to go off
every time for me to enjoy it.
16
00:00:57,562 --> 00:01:01,589
Oh, please. Fireworks
is the whole point of the exercise.
17
00:01:01,766 --> 00:01:05,896
Otherwise, all you've got is two
naked people humping on a StairMaster.
18
00:01:06,304 --> 00:01:08,829
Sometimes it's nice just being close.
19
00:01:09,641 --> 00:01:12,303
"Nice being close." Great.
20
00:01:12,510 --> 00:01:15,001
Now I know what it's like
to be my brother.
21
00:01:16,381 --> 00:01:19,817
- Would you stop it?
- No, this is the beginning of the end.
22
00:01:20,018 --> 00:01:24,455
First our sex life goes to hell,
then we start eating dinner at 4:30...
23
00:01:24,622 --> 00:01:27,716
...watching reruns
of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
24
00:01:27,892 --> 00:01:31,384
And at 9:00, we shake hands,
pee and go to sleep.
25
00:01:31,563 --> 00:01:34,327
Then around midnight,
I get up to pee again.
26
00:01:34,799 --> 00:01:36,426
Quit making a big deal out of it.
27
00:01:36,601 --> 00:01:38,967
Because once in a while
I don't have an orgasm...
28
00:01:39,137 --> 00:01:41,332
No, wait, wait, wait.
29
00:01:41,539 --> 00:01:43,006
This has happened before?
30
00:01:43,174 --> 00:01:45,301
- Just a few times.
- Well, why didn't I know?
31
00:01:45,477 --> 00:01:47,536
- Were you faking it?
- Does it matter?
32
00:01:47,712 --> 00:01:49,907
You're damn right, it matters.
Why'd you stop?
33
00:01:50,081 --> 00:01:53,209
- Don't you love me anymore?
- Of course I love you.
34
00:01:53,384 --> 00:01:55,318
If you loved me, you'd keep faking.
35
00:01:56,154 --> 00:01:57,712
Fine, from now on I'll fake it.
36
00:01:58,189 --> 00:02:01,317
Too late. Now I'm on to you.
37
00:02:03,094 --> 00:02:05,119
There's nothing to get so upset about.
38
00:02:05,296 --> 00:02:08,459
I've just been working really hard.
I'm under a lot of stress.
39
00:02:08,633 --> 00:02:10,999
On top of that,
I'm trying to plan our wedding...
40
00:02:11,169 --> 00:02:13,865
...and dealing with my parents,
your mother.
41
00:02:14,072 --> 00:02:18,202
But trust me, as far as I'm concerned
you're still the sexiest man on earth...
42
00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:20,776
...and I'm the luckiest woman
who ever lived.
43
00:02:20,945 --> 00:02:23,209
[CHARLIE SNORING]
44
00:02:25,316 --> 00:02:28,376
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
45
00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:30,544
[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]
46
00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:02,711
Thought you were taking
your girlfriend out.
47
00:03:02,887 --> 00:03:06,414
I am. But if I eat first, I won't
pig out in the restaurant, make her sick.
48
00:03:07,192 --> 00:03:10,855
Good idea. That way you'll have
the rest of the night to make her sick.
49
00:03:11,863 --> 00:03:13,763
Exactly.
50
00:03:14,165 --> 00:03:17,692
Plus, I won't snap at her
if she reaches for one of my fries.
51
00:03:18,136 --> 00:03:20,730
All right, Chelsea will be home
in a few minutes.
52
00:03:20,905 --> 00:03:23,897
- How are we doing?
- Wine is decanting, pasta is on the stove.
53
00:03:24,075 --> 00:03:26,976
Salad is in the fridge,
Marvin Gaye is on the CD player.
54
00:03:27,145 --> 00:03:28,703
Hm-hm. Gay.
55
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:35,716
And what about this?
Where's this gonna be tonight?
56
00:03:35,887 --> 00:03:38,048
It has a date.
57
00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:42,959
- Oh, eating first. I taught you well.
- Thank you.
58
00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:44,725
Clean underwear?
59
00:03:44,896 --> 00:03:46,727
Cleanish.
60
00:03:48,533 --> 00:03:51,331
Not good enough.
With underwear, there's no gray area.
61
00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,767
Don't worry, it's not gray.
62
00:03:55,373 --> 00:03:57,238
Anything but white is unacceptable.
63
00:03:58,042 --> 00:03:59,600
In that case, I better change.
64
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:04,448
And take off the bib.
65
00:04:05,917 --> 00:04:09,614
If he can score just once before I die,
my life will have been worthwhile.
66
00:04:09,787 --> 00:04:12,017
Then you might wanna start
eating healthier.
67
00:04:14,792 --> 00:04:17,659
- What's the big occasion tonight?
- There's no big occasion.
68
00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:19,922
Trying to keep the fire going
with Chelsea.
69
00:04:20,098 --> 00:04:23,590
You know what's good for that?
Doing it in public.
70
00:04:25,336 --> 00:04:26,894
- Really.
- Yeah.
71
00:04:27,071 --> 00:04:30,165
There's nothing like the thrill
of thinking you might get caught.
72
00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:33,833
I gotta tell you, you almost
walked in on me a couple of times.
73
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:37,004
You're kidding.
74
00:04:37,181 --> 00:04:40,776
A heads-up, the next time you see
the Sparkletts truck parked outside...
75
00:04:40,952 --> 00:04:42,112
...avoid the garage.
76
00:04:46,257 --> 00:04:49,715
From now on, I'm gonna avoid water.
77
00:04:55,933 --> 00:04:57,924
Good news, Alan.
78
00:04:58,102 --> 00:05:00,536
You're going to the movies tonight.
79
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:03,702
Alan?
80
00:05:03,875 --> 00:05:05,570
[SINGING]
Bossa nova
81
00:05:05,743 --> 00:05:08,610
With its magic spell
82
00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,305
Blame it on the bossa nova
83
00:05:11,482 --> 00:05:13,712
That he did so well
84
00:05:19,691 --> 00:05:21,352
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
85
00:05:23,127 --> 00:05:25,357
- What is that?
- That's... That's hair spray.
86
00:05:25,530 --> 00:05:27,498
Really. Hair spray? Let me see it.
87
00:05:27,665 --> 00:05:29,758
No. Leave me alone.
88
00:05:30,635 --> 00:05:33,832
- Well, what's the big deal?
- It's not a big deal, just go away.
89
00:05:34,772 --> 00:05:38,037
All right. I need you out of the house
so I can be alone with Chelsea.
90
00:05:38,209 --> 00:05:40,700
- Well, don't worry, I have a date.
- Internet hookup?
91
00:05:40,878 --> 00:05:43,312
SuaveSingles. Com.
92
00:05:43,915 --> 00:05:45,348
First month is free.
93
00:05:45,516 --> 00:05:48,417
That must be how they keep out
the riffraff.
94
00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:50,754
- Have fun.
- Well, thank you. I will.
95
00:05:52,724 --> 00:05:54,157
Hey! Hey!
96
00:05:54,325 --> 00:05:57,852
"Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair.
97
00:05:59,430 --> 00:06:01,261
Guaranteed to cover bald spots."
98
00:06:01,432 --> 00:06:04,560
It's not a bald spot.
I'm just getting a little thin on top.
99
00:06:05,203 --> 00:06:06,932
So you're painting your head?
100
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:10,268
It's not paint. It's a specially formulated
hair-like substance...
101
00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:12,739
...designed for the active man
on the go.
102
00:06:13,845 --> 00:06:15,938
Oh, you poor, gullible bastard.
103
00:06:18,249 --> 00:06:19,546
Gives me confidence.
104
00:06:19,717 --> 00:06:21,207
Okay, fine.
105
00:06:21,386 --> 00:06:25,083
But what happens to your confidence
when your date runs her fingers...
106
00:06:25,256 --> 00:06:27,952
...through your specially formulated
hair-like substance?
107
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:34,024
It's guaranteed not to smear, drip
or ignite under normal circumstances.
108
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:40,064
You'll spend your life spray-painting
your head like it's a freeway underpass?
109
00:06:40,238 --> 00:06:42,968
This is just a stopgap
till the pills kick in.
110
00:06:43,775 --> 00:06:46,073
- What's this, like, Propecia?
- Better, stronger.
111
00:06:46,244 --> 00:06:50,305
It's from Eastern Europe. They don't have
to worry about pesky FDA regulations.
112
00:06:50,782 --> 00:06:53,080
There's a monkey on the label.
113
00:06:53,885 --> 00:06:57,753
It is not a monkey, it's the inventor.
114
00:06:59,657 --> 00:07:01,955
- How long you been taking these?
- Couple weeks.
115
00:07:02,126 --> 00:07:05,425
It has to build up in your system
and then stand back and grab a comb.
116
00:07:06,097 --> 00:07:11,228
Far be it from me to judge someone for
taking questionable pharmaceuticals...
117
00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:13,263
...but be careful with this stuff.
118
00:07:13,438 --> 00:07:17,499
Do you think I'm so vain that I would
jeopardize my health to grow a little hair?
119
00:07:17,675 --> 00:07:19,267
Do I have to remind you about...
120
00:07:19,444 --> 00:07:22,208
...the Japanese
penis-enlargement system you bought?
121
00:07:24,115 --> 00:07:26,049
That is not what caused the rupture.
122
00:07:32,156 --> 00:07:35,023
I'm sorry, but this is a monkey.
123
00:07:38,162 --> 00:07:40,062
[PANTING]
124
00:07:41,399 --> 00:07:42,832
So...
125
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,525
...did you make your way
around the mountain?
126
00:07:45,703 --> 00:07:47,261
Excuse me?
127
00:07:47,438 --> 00:07:48,700
You know...
128
00:07:48,906 --> 00:07:50,874
Were you driving six white horses?
129
00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:53,101
What are you talking about?
130
00:07:53,277 --> 00:07:56,974
[SINGING] She'll be driving six white horses
When she...
131
00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:01,345
Are you asking me
if I had an orgasm, Charlie?
132
00:08:01,519 --> 00:08:03,680
Yeah, but I'm trying
to be cute about it.
133
00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:08,258
No, I did not. But it doesn't matter.
It was wonderful.
134
00:08:08,426 --> 00:08:10,656
- Were you at least close?
- Yes, I was close.
135
00:08:10,828 --> 00:08:14,161
Well, that's a start. Now,
when you were close, what was I doing?
136
00:08:14,332 --> 00:08:16,323
You were downstairs getting a beer.
137
00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:22,604
I'm kidding.
Can we please just drop it?
138
00:08:22,773 --> 00:08:26,072
Excuse me for trying
to bring you back to "gaa."
139
00:08:26,811 --> 00:08:29,177
Sex is not just about orgasms.
140
00:08:29,347 --> 00:08:33,078
Oh, really? Then how are we
supposed to know when we're done?
141
00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:35,575
- Don't pout.
- I'm not pouting.
142
00:08:35,753 --> 00:08:37,721
You are.
Your bottom lip is sticking out.
143
00:08:37,889 --> 00:08:39,880
It's swollen.
144
00:08:40,525 --> 00:08:43,016
You could've stopped at any time.
145
00:08:43,961 --> 00:08:46,725
No, no. I am not a quitter.
146
00:08:47,331 --> 00:08:49,993
Do you know
what the best part of tonight was?
147
00:08:50,167 --> 00:08:51,259
For you or me?
148
00:08:51,469 --> 00:08:53,733
Because I think mine
was pretty obvious.
149
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:57,673
It was that you cared enough
to plan this amazing evening for me.
150
00:08:57,842 --> 00:09:00,868
The beautiful dinner,
wine on the deck...
151
00:09:01,045 --> 00:09:04,537
...the two of us talking,
just being together.
152
00:09:04,849 --> 00:09:07,750
It's nights like these
that make me realize how lucky I am...
153
00:09:07,919 --> 00:09:10,888
...to have found the man
I want to spend the rest of my life with.
154
00:09:11,055 --> 00:09:13,216
[CHARLIE SNORING]
155
00:09:13,391 --> 00:09:16,019
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
156
00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:22,096
[GROANING]
157
00:09:24,068 --> 00:09:25,592
Hey.
158
00:09:29,206 --> 00:09:31,538
Alan, I don't know how
to tell you this...
159
00:09:31,709 --> 00:09:33,939
...but your bangs are dripping
down your face.
160
00:09:34,412 --> 00:09:36,107
Little lesson for you, Charlie.
161
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,874
There are two things
you never wanna buy on the cheap:
162
00:09:39,050 --> 00:09:41,644
Canned hair and condoms.
163
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,151
I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
164
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:48,383
No, it did not. Once my hair started
dripping on her chicken Marsala...
165
00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:50,891
...the evening was pretty well shot.
166
00:09:52,396 --> 00:09:55,763
Probably should've sprung for
Captain Terry's Hair Sealer.
167
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:58,694
Maybe you'll have better luck
with the pills.
168
00:09:58,869 --> 00:10:01,337
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
169
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:04,372
If the date was so bad,
why are you home so late?
170
00:10:05,042 --> 00:10:08,011
I've been at the Emergency Room
having my eyes flushed.
171
00:10:08,179 --> 00:10:11,910
Apparently my hair contains
small particles of fiberglass.
172
00:10:18,055 --> 00:10:21,547
- What the hell is he doing?
- Trying to sneak in 2 hours after curfew.
173
00:10:21,726 --> 00:10:25,127
- Aren't you gonna punish him?
- Maybe tomorrow.
174
00:10:25,296 --> 00:10:27,127
It's hard to assume moral authority...
175
00:10:27,298 --> 00:10:30,961
...with Captain Terry's specially
formulated hair all over my face.
176
00:10:31,802 --> 00:10:34,965
True. You do kind of look like
a hot-fudge sundae.
177
00:10:46,450 --> 00:10:48,475
Hi. Didn't see you there.
178
00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:52,214
That's the first time
anyone ever said that to me.
179
00:10:54,292 --> 00:10:55,452
Taking a lunch break?
180
00:10:56,127 --> 00:10:57,890
Sure, let's call it that.
181
00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:03,289
- Mind if I ask you a question?
- It's Liz Taylor's White Diamonds.
182
00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:05,964
- What?
- My fragrance.
183
00:11:06,137 --> 00:11:07,331
You can get it at Costco.
184
00:11:08,939 --> 00:11:11,669
- Nice.
- Great stocking stuffer for Christmas.
185
00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:14,936
- I'll remember.
- I'll act surprised.
186
00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:21,546
Actually, I was gonna ask you
about when you were married.
187
00:11:21,719 --> 00:11:23,812
- Which time?
- What was the long one?
188
00:11:23,988 --> 00:11:27,151
Jerry. Fourteen years,
God rest his soul.
189
00:11:27,325 --> 00:11:29,919
- He's dead?
- He better be.
190
00:11:31,962 --> 00:11:35,193
Okay, well,
when Jerry walked among us...
191
00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:38,732
...was there a time when he wasn't,
you know, doing it for you?
192
00:11:39,270 --> 00:11:41,738
You mean,
even though he was doing it to me?
193
00:11:41,906 --> 00:11:42,998
Yeah.
194
00:11:43,174 --> 00:11:45,005
Well, sure. But that's natural.
195
00:11:45,176 --> 00:11:47,371
Passion always fades over time.
196
00:11:47,545 --> 00:11:50,036
Before you know it,
you find yourself daydreaming...
197
00:11:50,214 --> 00:11:53,308
...barely noticing the naked guy
with a mullet and flip-flops...
198
00:11:53,484 --> 00:11:55,577
...doing his dirty business
on top of you.
199
00:11:57,221 --> 00:12:00,418
- Jerry?
- God, no. I never let Jerry on top.
200
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,261
He was like a fur-covered
water heater.
201
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,228
So that's it?
That's all I have to look forward to?
202
00:12:09,433 --> 00:12:12,732
A wife that has to go to a happy place
every time I have sex with her?
203
00:12:12,903 --> 00:12:14,234
Is Chelsea complaining?
204
00:12:14,405 --> 00:12:16,600
- No.
- Can you read her mind?
205
00:12:16,774 --> 00:12:19,368
- No.
- Then don't worry about it.
206
00:12:20,711 --> 00:12:22,144
How can I not worry?
207
00:12:22,313 --> 00:12:25,942
Orgasms is one of the few things
I bring to the table in this relationship.
208
00:12:26,117 --> 00:12:28,381
Well, I can't argue with you there.
209
00:12:30,721 --> 00:12:34,680
But maybe this is the perfect opportunity
for you to become a better boyfriend.
210
00:12:34,859 --> 00:12:37,384
A more compassionate,
caring individual.
211
00:12:39,230 --> 00:12:41,664
Or you could buy her
one of them vibrating eggs.
212
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:46,732
They're awesome. I heard.
213
00:12:50,074 --> 00:12:51,098
I gotta go.
214
00:12:55,546 --> 00:13:00,210
Man, I hope I can hold onto this buzz
until the Sparkletts guy gets here.
215
00:13:02,853 --> 00:13:04,343
[KNOCKING]
216
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:06,114
Alan, you in here?
217
00:13:06,290 --> 00:13:08,417
ALAN:
Bathroom. Getting ready for a date.
218
00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:10,855
Another suave single?
219
00:13:11,028 --> 00:13:12,996
ALAN:
No, my free trial expired.
220
00:13:13,164 --> 00:13:15,189
Now I'm on JDate.
221
00:13:17,802 --> 00:13:19,497
Alan, we're not Jewish.
222
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:23,606
Who cares? You should see these girls,
very hotsy-totsy.
223
00:13:24,108 --> 00:13:26,633
And the best part is,
till my hair pills kick in...
224
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:29,609
...two birds with one stone.
225
00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:32,948
So how can I help you?
226
00:13:33,117 --> 00:13:36,883
Well, believe it or not, I wanted
to ask your advice about women.
227
00:13:37,054 --> 00:13:39,682
Me? I'm flattered.
What do you wanna know?
228
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,822
- Well...
- Sit, boytshik.
229
00:13:46,764 --> 00:13:50,063
Okay, I'm having a little problem,
you know...
230
00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:52,225
...satisfying Chelsea in the bedroom.
231
00:13:52,403 --> 00:13:53,665
Uh-huh.
232
00:13:53,838 --> 00:13:56,238
So I thought to myself,
"Who knows more...
233
00:13:56,407 --> 00:13:59,308
...about not satisfying a woman
than my brother, Alan?"
234
00:14:01,912 --> 00:14:04,813
That's a very unfair characterization...
235
00:14:04,982 --> 00:14:07,473
...but not entirely inaccurate.
236
00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:09,744
Go on.
237
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,651
My question is,
how do you live with yourself?
238
00:14:13,824 --> 00:14:15,485
How do you wake up in the morning...
239
00:14:15,659 --> 00:14:18,025
...and not drag a straight razor
across your throat?
240
00:14:19,363 --> 00:14:22,628
Well, that's not an easy question
to answer.
241
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:26,695
First of all,
I don't own a straight razor.
242
00:14:26,871 --> 00:14:29,169
This is what happened
with you and Judith?
243
00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,103
Actually, Judith was highly orgasmic.
244
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:33,937
- Really?
- Not with me, of course.
245
00:14:34,578 --> 00:14:38,878
As long as I didn't let the battery drawer
get empty, she was one happy shiksa.
246
00:14:39,517 --> 00:14:41,644
So how did you deal with that?
247
00:14:41,819 --> 00:14:45,482
- Didn't you feel like less of a man?
- Okay, I understand.
248
00:14:45,656 --> 00:14:50,184
Your problem is your male ego
is tied to your partner's sexual pleasure.
249
00:14:50,361 --> 00:14:53,353
Your self-esteem is almost entirely based
on whether or not...
250
00:14:53,531 --> 00:14:55,863
...she achieves some level
of physical satisfaction.
251
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:57,933
- Uh-huh.
- You gotta get past that.
252
00:15:00,304 --> 00:15:01,896
You're saying I shouldn't care?
253
00:15:02,072 --> 00:15:07,032
Charlie, our people have spent
thousands of years...
254
00:15:07,411 --> 00:15:09,675
...carrying the burden of guilt.
255
00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:13,783
I say enough.
It's time to break the shackles.
256
00:15:14,718 --> 00:15:18,779
Okay, okay. First of all, I'm pretty sure
that our people are Scotch-lrish.
257
00:15:18,956 --> 00:15:23,256
Perhaps, but the Talmud teaches us
that the true worth of a man...
258
00:15:23,427 --> 00:15:25,827
...is in his good works
and devotion to God.
259
00:15:25,996 --> 00:15:28,590
- The Talmud?
- Yeah, I Googled it.
260
00:15:28,766 --> 00:15:31,234
Figured I might need
a little Jewish dinner chat.
261
00:15:31,402 --> 00:15:32,733
Lucky I did some research...
262
00:15:32,903 --> 00:15:35,770
...I was planning on taking this girl
to Red Lobster.
263
00:15:35,940 --> 00:15:37,567
Meshuga, right?
264
00:15:38,943 --> 00:15:40,638
Oh! I gotta go.
265
00:15:40,811 --> 00:15:43,609
Listen, Jake's grounded
for coming in late last night.
266
00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:47,012
So be a mensch and keep an eye
on the little pisher, would you?
267
00:15:50,354 --> 00:15:51,981
Oy...
268
00:15:53,924 --> 00:15:55,858
...vey.
269
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:03,962
This is fun, huh?
270
00:16:04,168 --> 00:16:05,760
I guess.
271
00:16:06,103 --> 00:16:07,570
Gin.
272
00:16:08,772 --> 00:16:10,501
Damn. Okay.
273
00:16:11,075 --> 00:16:13,043
Let's go again.
274
00:16:13,210 --> 00:16:16,338
You do realize that at a certain point
we'll have to go to bed.
275
00:16:16,513 --> 00:16:19,175
I know. It's not like
I'm avoiding it or anything.
276
00:16:20,384 --> 00:16:22,978
Really? This is the first time
since I've known you...
277
00:16:23,187 --> 00:16:26,179
...you've suggested a game that
doesn't involve money or nudity.
278
00:16:26,357 --> 00:16:28,917
We can play for money if you want.
279
00:16:29,994 --> 00:16:31,552
What do you say, penny a point?
280
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:34,391
We'll go to bed
when someone's up 100 bucks.
281
00:16:35,099 --> 00:16:37,795
Come on. We gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?
282
00:16:37,968 --> 00:16:39,993
Well, what's there to talk about?
283
00:16:40,204 --> 00:16:42,502
I can't ring your bell anymore.
We'll grow old...
284
00:16:42,706 --> 00:16:45,834
...l'll die and you'll find happiness
with a vibrating egg.
285
00:16:46,510 --> 00:16:49,707
Did you ever stop to consider
that maybe this isn't about you?
286
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:52,340
No, not really.
287
00:16:53,117 --> 00:16:56,177
- Well, it isn't.
- Then what's it about?
288
00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:58,045
It's personal.
289
00:16:58,222 --> 00:17:01,589
What's more personal
than bumping pee-pees?
290
00:17:05,229 --> 00:17:06,389
All right, fine.
291
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:12,434
My ex-husband is getting remarried.
292
00:17:14,104 --> 00:17:17,005
I'm sorry, are we still having
the same conversation?
293
00:17:19,109 --> 00:17:24,513
I know it sounds stupid, but ever since
I found out, I somehow felt shut down.
294
00:17:24,682 --> 00:17:26,309
- Why?
- I don't know.
295
00:17:26,483 --> 00:17:30,214
- Because he's moving on with his life.
- Yeah, but you're getting married too.
296
00:17:30,387 --> 00:17:32,878
Yeah, but I'm getting married
because I'm over him.
297
00:17:33,057 --> 00:17:35,025
He's getting married
because he's over me!
298
00:17:35,192 --> 00:17:37,626
Wait a minute.
Are you still in love with him?
299
00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,786
Of course not, idiot.
I'm in love with you.
300
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:43,160
Well, good. Good,
because I'm sure feeling loved.
301
00:17:45,035 --> 00:17:46,093
I'm sorry.
302
00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:50,172
Let me just make sure I'm following this.
Knowing this guy is getting married...
303
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,900
...has gotten in the way
of you having an orgasm.
304
00:17:53,077 --> 00:17:55,773
Maybe. I think so.
305
00:17:56,380 --> 00:17:58,075
Boy, women.
306
00:17:58,782 --> 00:18:01,080
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. Nothing.
307
00:18:01,285 --> 00:18:04,880
It's just, I once had an orgasm
with a lawn dart in my foot.
308
00:18:10,027 --> 00:18:12,689
- Do you think I'm crazy?
- No, no. No.
309
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:15,161
Having sex over the hedge
from where the kids...
310
00:18:15,332 --> 00:18:18,426
...were throwing the lawn darts,
that was crazy.
311
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,832
And believe it or not, I do understand.
312
00:18:21,004 --> 00:18:22,096
- You do?
- Sure.
313
00:18:22,306 --> 00:18:24,433
No one wants their former lovers
to be happy.
314
00:18:24,608 --> 00:18:26,269
- They don't?
- Well, hell, no.
315
00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:28,968
Most of my former lovers
want me dead.
316
00:18:31,048 --> 00:18:33,175
A couple have tried.
317
00:18:34,518 --> 00:18:37,749
In fact, now that I know
you have a vengeful, petty side...
318
00:18:37,921 --> 00:18:39,616
...I love you even more.
319
00:18:40,924 --> 00:18:42,448
Thanks. I guess.
320
00:18:43,627 --> 00:18:46,721
Don't worry about the sex.
It'll work itself out.
321
00:18:46,897 --> 00:18:48,592
Just like the lawn dart.
322
00:18:49,399 --> 00:18:51,026
- I love you, Charlie.
- You should.
323
00:18:51,201 --> 00:18:54,432
I'm being really sensitive
and understanding and all that crap.
324
00:18:55,973 --> 00:18:57,770
Now, how about another game?
325
00:18:57,941 --> 00:18:59,374
All right.
326
00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:06,038
I gotta tell you, I'm kind of relieved
to find out I'm not the problem.
327
00:19:06,216 --> 00:19:09,208
Neither of us is the problem.
It's just that I have feelings.
328
00:19:09,386 --> 00:19:12,048
Okay. For me,
that would be a problem.
329
00:19:12,790 --> 00:19:15,384
You do realize that Jake
just snuck out of the house.
330
00:19:15,559 --> 00:19:18,323
Well, he's grounded.
How else is he gonna leave?
331
00:19:25,402 --> 00:19:27,734
Hey, how about
the winner of the next hand...
332
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:31,500
...gets to be sexually satisfied
without any guilt or reciprocity?
333
00:19:32,109 --> 00:19:34,577
- You have a good hand, don't you?
- No, not at all.
334
00:19:35,312 --> 00:19:38,076
- All right, it's a bet.
- Gin.
335
00:19:42,085 --> 00:19:44,849
CHELSEA:
Gaaaaaa...
336
00:19:50,494 --> 00:19:52,519
Okay, I gotta ask.
337
00:19:53,831 --> 00:19:56,561
Was that a real "gaa"
or a mercy "gaa"?
338
00:19:57,134 --> 00:19:58,761
Oh, that was the real thing.
339
00:19:59,503 --> 00:20:02,597
- So it was good?
- "Lawn dart" good.
340
00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:07,143
You know what I think?
341
00:20:07,311 --> 00:20:09,643
The fact that you shared
your feelings with me...
342
00:20:09,813 --> 00:20:13,180
...and I really listened,
made the sex more intimate...
343
00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,784
...and helped you overcome
whatever was inhibiting you from...
344
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,478
[CHELSEA SNORING]
345
00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:23,282
Well, that's just rude.
346
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,934
- Morning.
- Morning.
347
00:20:33,136 --> 00:20:36,105
Hey, looks like your hair
is really filling in back there.
348
00:20:36,273 --> 00:20:38,503
Yeah, I think the pills
are starting to work.
349
00:20:43,013 --> 00:20:44,503
What?
350
00:21:12,509 --> 00:21:14,500
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]