1
00:00:02,709 --> 00:00:05,678
MAN [ON TV]:
Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
2
00:00:05,845 --> 00:00:10,009
So do you either of guys urinate
with abnormal frequency?
3
00:00:11,985 --> 00:00:14,010
- No.
- No.
4
00:00:15,722 --> 00:00:18,623
I mean, you gotta define abnormal.
5
00:00:18,791 --> 00:00:23,091
And keep in mind the body
doesn't process alcohol efficiently...
6
00:00:23,329 --> 00:00:26,423
...which is why your Uncle Charlie
is a perpetual urine machine.
7
00:00:27,066 --> 00:00:30,001
Also keep in mind that your father
has the bladder control...
8
00:00:30,170 --> 00:00:32,730
...of a frightened 9-year-old girl.
9
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,874
Which is why he needs to wear
two pairs of undies and a pantyliner.
10
00:00:38,611 --> 00:00:40,476
Only on long drives.
11
00:00:40,647 --> 00:00:43,207
Really? How many times a night
do you get up to pee?
12
00:00:43,383 --> 00:00:45,681
- Just once.
- I can hear your toilet flush, Alan.
13
00:00:45,852 --> 00:00:47,877
Okay, four times.
14
00:00:48,054 --> 00:00:50,420
But at least I get out of bed to pee.
15
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:53,286
Hey, hey,
that was an isolated incident.
16
00:00:53,493 --> 00:00:56,223
I was dreaming
my shoes were on fire.
17
00:00:56,396 --> 00:00:59,388
- Does that answer your question, buddy?
- Yeah.
18
00:00:59,566 --> 00:01:01,830
And remind me
to never to ask another one.
19
00:01:03,102 --> 00:01:05,002
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
20
00:01:05,605 --> 00:01:08,073
- Why aren't you ready?
- Ready for?
21
00:01:08,241 --> 00:01:10,038
You've gotta be kidding me.
22
00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:13,941
I've told you three times we're having
dinner with my girlfriend Gail tonight.
23
00:01:14,113 --> 00:01:15,944
Excuse me, gotta pee.
24
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:20,750
You never listen when I'm talking to you.
It's like you just tune me out.
25
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,117
You look like you're paying attention,
but your mind is miles away.
26
00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:25,655
CHARLIE:
Do I need to pee?
27
00:01:25,825 --> 00:01:27,349
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
28
00:01:27,994 --> 00:01:31,259
Nah. I mean, I could. Might be traffic.
29
00:01:31,431 --> 00:01:33,831
Probably should pee. Yeah, better pee.
30
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,298
We're gonna be late,
I'm gonna be embarrassed...
31
00:01:36,469 --> 00:01:41,600
...because you don't listen.
- Boy, she's got great boobies.
32
00:02:12,138 --> 00:02:14,936
So, Charlie, I've heard
so many nice things about you.
33
00:02:15,108 --> 00:02:16,837
Really? From who?
34
00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:20,203
Hello.
35
00:02:21,414 --> 00:02:23,644
Oh, right. Thanks.
36
00:02:23,816 --> 00:02:26,011
I guess I only hear the complaints.
37
00:02:27,654 --> 00:02:30,248
- You don't hear anything.
- That's not true.
38
00:02:30,423 --> 00:02:33,358
You're right, it's not.
He hears what he wants to hear.
39
00:02:34,627 --> 00:02:36,458
So I'm right.
40
00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:40,691
- Well, you still make a great couple.
- Thank you.
41
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:43,665
And I'm really looking forward
to your wedding.
42
00:02:43,836 --> 00:02:45,326
I'm sure it's gonna be beautiful.
43
00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:46,938
[SOBS]
44
00:02:48,141 --> 00:02:49,631
What'd I do?
45
00:02:49,809 --> 00:02:52,300
Nothing. I told you,
she's going through a breakup.
46
00:02:52,478 --> 00:02:57,108
- When did you tell me that?
- In the car on the way here. God!
47
00:02:58,951 --> 00:03:00,714
It's gonna be okay.
48
00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:02,149
I know, it's just hard.
49
00:03:02,922 --> 00:03:04,321
I thought I knew him.
50
00:03:04,490 --> 00:03:07,982
I thought we were gonna be together
forever like you and Charlie.
51
00:03:08,528 --> 00:03:12,157
CHARLIE: Hard to believe
somebody got tired of doing her.
52
00:03:13,299 --> 00:03:16,166
Ooh. French fries look good.
53
00:03:16,803 --> 00:03:19,863
Why did I order the baked potato?
54
00:03:20,039 --> 00:03:23,099
- Isn't that right, Charlie?
- Absolutely.
55
00:03:23,710 --> 00:03:26,304
Now is this the one
who's the old college roommate?
56
00:03:26,479 --> 00:03:28,538
I should really listen more.
57
00:03:28,715 --> 00:03:30,808
I mean, I knew he was insensitive.
58
00:03:30,983 --> 00:03:35,010
Boy, I bet if they were roommates,
they did some experimenting.
59
00:03:35,888 --> 00:03:38,982
Why is it that girls can experiment
with girls and not be gay...
60
00:03:39,158 --> 00:03:42,184
... but if a guy so much kisses
another guy... Bad memory.
61
00:03:42,362 --> 00:03:44,762
Drink, drink, drink, drink.
62
00:03:45,465 --> 00:03:47,933
So you're just all alone
in that big apartment?
63
00:03:48,568 --> 00:03:51,002
- He even took the dog.
- Bastard.
64
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:53,434
What? It's my first drink.
65
00:03:53,606 --> 00:03:56,803
- Not you. Brian took Rufus.
- Ohh.
66
00:03:57,043 --> 00:03:59,068
Who's Rufus?
67
00:03:59,846 --> 00:04:01,507
For that matter, who's Brian?
68
00:04:01,681 --> 00:04:04,479
Life of Brian, that was pretty funny.
69
00:04:04,650 --> 00:04:06,880
Brian's Song not so much.
70
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,688
James Caan was great in it, though.
71
00:04:09,856 --> 00:04:11,517
That's because he's a great actor.
72
00:04:11,691 --> 00:04:13,682
Godfather, Rollerball.
73
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:18,354
Yeah, I can so see these two
kissing in a dorm room.
74
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:21,024
That's really sweet,
but I couldn't impose.
75
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,634
- We insist. Right, Charlie?
- Absolutely.
76
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:27,200
There. You'll come stay with us
for a few days and heal.
77
00:04:27,373 --> 00:04:29,603
- I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
78
00:04:30,143 --> 00:04:33,408
- Um... Yes.
- Good.
79
00:04:33,579 --> 00:04:35,911
We can go to her apartment
so she can pack a bag.
80
00:04:36,082 --> 00:04:38,778
- Absolutely.
- You'll love Charlie's place.
81
00:04:38,951 --> 00:04:42,045
It's right on the sand,
very quiet, restful.
82
00:04:42,221 --> 00:04:44,416
Dear Penthouse Forum...
83
00:04:45,158 --> 00:04:47,456
... I always thought
your letters were made up...
84
00:04:47,627 --> 00:04:50,824
... until my fiancée's roommate
came to stay with us for a few days.
85
00:04:50,997 --> 00:04:53,557
- Right, Charlie?
- Absolutely.
86
00:04:57,303 --> 00:04:58,361
[ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING]
87
00:04:58,571 --> 00:05:00,266
Hey, Alan?
88
00:05:04,010 --> 00:05:05,534
Alan?
89
00:05:05,711 --> 00:05:07,804
ALAN:
Be right there.
90
00:05:10,283 --> 00:05:11,773
What's up?
91
00:05:17,323 --> 00:05:20,190
- What were you doing?
- Shaving.
92
00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:22,017
At night?
93
00:05:22,195 --> 00:05:24,993
Well, not so much shaving
as trimming.
94
00:05:26,466 --> 00:05:27,831
So how was dinner?
95
00:05:29,669 --> 00:05:30,863
Forget dinner.
96
00:05:31,037 --> 00:05:33,130
Please tell me
you weren't using my razor.
97
00:05:33,306 --> 00:05:35,570
Mine doesn't have the floating heads.
98
00:05:36,909 --> 00:05:39,844
I don't believe you.
I put that thing on my face.
99
00:05:40,546 --> 00:05:42,537
I was gonna clean it
before I gave it back.
100
00:05:42,715 --> 00:05:45,206
I don't want it back.
101
00:05:45,384 --> 00:05:47,852
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. It's yours.
102
00:05:48,054 --> 00:05:50,181
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
103
00:05:50,356 --> 00:05:52,256
This is just a stocking stuffer, right?
104
00:05:52,425 --> 00:05:54,859
I mean, you are gonna give me
a real present too?
105
00:05:55,061 --> 00:05:56,187
A real present?
106
00:05:56,362 --> 00:05:59,661
Well, you obviously didn't put
much thought into this one.
107
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:03,868
- Good night, Alan.
- Good night.
108
00:06:07,373 --> 00:06:10,171
Oh, I almost forgot.
Pack up your stuff and get out.
109
00:06:11,344 --> 00:06:14,438
Okay, okay.
The razor can be my Christmas present.
110
00:06:14,614 --> 00:06:19,017
No. Chelsea's girlfriend is staying here,
so you're gonna sleep on the couch.
111
00:06:19,185 --> 00:06:21,415
Why don't you have
Jake sleep on the couch?
112
00:06:21,587 --> 00:06:25,489
Fair question. Why don't you
trim your ball hair with a steak knife?
113
00:06:31,464 --> 00:06:33,830
I feel bad kicking your brother
out of his room.
114
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,231
Well, that's only
because you don't know him.
115
00:06:37,803 --> 00:06:41,204
Here we go. Little chamomile tea,
help you sleep.
116
00:06:41,374 --> 00:06:44,036
Chelsea, I can't thank you enough.
117
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:47,407
Don't be silly, I know what it feels like
to have my heart broken.
118
00:06:47,613 --> 00:06:49,478
Me too.
119
00:06:51,017 --> 00:06:52,450
You know, theoretically.
120
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,855
- Well, I'm grateful to you both.
- And we're grateful to you.
121
00:06:59,358 --> 00:07:01,758
You know, theoretically.
122
00:07:03,396 --> 00:07:06,058
Tomorrow you can sleep in,
take a nice, long walk on...
123
00:07:06,232 --> 00:07:09,395
CHARLIE: I've been
a really good boyfriend tonight.
124
00:07:09,569 --> 00:07:12,663
Chelsea should do something nice
for me.
125
00:07:13,506 --> 00:07:15,736
Like make out with Gail.
126
00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:19,568
Okay, I put fresh sheets on the bed.
127
00:07:19,745 --> 00:07:22,077
Alan, this is my friend Gail.
Gail, this is Alan.
128
00:07:22,248 --> 00:07:25,411
I'm so sorry to put you out like this,
but your brother...
129
00:07:25,585 --> 00:07:28,748
ALAN:
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
130
00:07:28,921 --> 00:07:30,354
[GAIL SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
131
00:07:30,556 --> 00:07:33,286
Oh, God, I've been waiting for you
all my life.
132
00:07:34,994 --> 00:07:37,929
Marry me, have my children.
133
00:07:38,531 --> 00:07:40,499
It's really very generous of you.
134
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:44,560
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
135
00:07:45,972 --> 00:07:48,065
Come on, I'll show you the room.
136
00:07:53,713 --> 00:07:56,773
[ALAN HUMMING
WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
137
00:07:59,185 --> 00:08:01,676
[CHARLIE HUMMING FUNK MUSIC]
138
00:08:16,636 --> 00:08:18,604
Chelsea?
139
00:08:31,017 --> 00:08:32,780
Chelsea?
140
00:08:34,387 --> 00:08:36,719
[GAIL SOBBING]
141
00:08:37,189 --> 00:08:38,986
CHELSEA:
It's gonna be okay.
142
00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:53,370
- Chels, you in there?
CHELSEA: It's okay, Charlie. Come on in.
143
00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:03,471
- Everything all right?
- She's pretty upset.
144
00:09:03,649 --> 00:09:06,516
I'm sorry I'm such a basket case.
145
00:09:06,686 --> 00:09:09,985
Oh, please, we're here for you, baby.
146
00:09:10,156 --> 00:09:13,250
- Right, Charlie?
- Absolutely.
147
00:09:15,828 --> 00:09:18,888
I guess I'll leave you two alone.
148
00:09:19,532 --> 00:09:20,726
You don't have to go.
149
00:09:24,770 --> 00:09:26,397
I don't?
150
00:09:27,173 --> 00:09:29,107
Not unless you want to.
151
00:09:30,609 --> 00:09:33,442
CHARLIE:
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
152
00:09:34,346 --> 00:09:37,577
Come on, Charlie, we all know
what you really wanna do.
153
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:39,615
We do?
154
00:09:40,553 --> 00:09:41,679
We do.
155
00:09:43,255 --> 00:09:44,688
Come here, join us.
156
00:09:49,495 --> 00:09:51,554
Uh... Okay.
157
00:09:59,672 --> 00:10:02,698
So, what now?
158
00:10:03,676 --> 00:10:05,473
Do I really need to tell you?
159
00:10:05,644 --> 00:10:08,875
We'd probably be better off
if you did.
160
00:10:10,449 --> 00:10:12,178
Okay.
161
00:10:12,451 --> 00:10:15,113
I want you to make Gail happy.
162
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:22,988
- And you're onboard?
- It was my idea.
163
00:10:23,629 --> 00:10:25,790
Don't worry,
she and I have done this before.
164
00:10:25,965 --> 00:10:27,398
In college.
165
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:30,024
I knew it.
166
00:10:34,073 --> 00:10:37,804
Okay, let's turn that frown
upside down.
167
00:10:40,045 --> 00:10:42,513
That's a good boy.
168
00:10:43,082 --> 00:10:44,640
- Hey, Chels?
- Yeah, babe?
169
00:10:45,251 --> 00:10:48,550
- This is a dream, right?
- Of course, it's a dream.
170
00:10:48,721 --> 00:10:51,713
You think I'm really gonna let you sleep
with my best friend?
171
00:10:52,958 --> 00:10:54,892
Well, in that case, hang on...
172
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:57,893
...because I'm gonna do
some real freaky stuff here.
173
00:11:16,182 --> 00:11:17,615
Yowza.
174
00:11:18,751 --> 00:11:21,948
Excuse me.
I brought you some fresh towels, Gail.
175
00:11:22,121 --> 00:11:24,112
Oh, aren't you sweet.
176
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:25,985
Sure, sweet.
177
00:11:26,158 --> 00:11:28,251
Go smell his room.
178
00:11:30,996 --> 00:11:33,226
- Morning.
- Good, you're up.
179
00:11:33,399 --> 00:11:35,663
I made you some toast.
Here's your orange juice.
180
00:11:35,868 --> 00:11:38,336
- Oh, thank you, honey.
- I'll see you later.
181
00:11:38,504 --> 00:11:42,668
- Wait, wait, wait. You're leaving?
- I told you I have to go in to work today.
182
00:11:42,842 --> 00:11:46,369
- But what about Gail?
- She can take care of herself.
183
00:11:46,545 --> 00:11:48,570
I think she's already made
a new friend.
184
00:11:48,747 --> 00:11:50,009
Yeah, I saw.
185
00:11:50,182 --> 00:11:52,207
You don't think
he's got a shot, do you?
186
00:11:52,384 --> 00:11:55,285
- Charlie, you're horrible.
- I was joking.
187
00:11:55,454 --> 00:11:57,115
So how long
are you gonna be gone?
188
00:11:57,289 --> 00:12:00,349
I'll be home for dinner.
Thought I'd pick up some Chinese food...
189
00:12:00,526 --> 00:12:01,788
CHARLIE:
Is she nuts?
190
00:12:01,961 --> 00:12:03,986
I can't be trusted alone
with that chick.
191
00:12:04,163 --> 00:12:05,187
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
192
00:12:05,364 --> 00:12:06,991
Wait, maybe this is a test.
193
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:08,190
A trap.
194
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,767
The two of them are in cahoots
to find out if I'll make a move.
195
00:12:11,937 --> 00:12:15,338
Cahoots, that's a funny word.
196
00:12:15,674 --> 00:12:17,505
Sounds like an owl sneezing.
197
00:12:17,676 --> 00:12:20,372
Ca... Ca... Ca... Cahoots.
198
00:12:20,546 --> 00:12:23,413
- So I'll call you later.
- Absolutely.
199
00:12:25,484 --> 00:12:28,544
- Morning, Alan.
- Oh, morning.
200
00:12:28,721 --> 00:12:30,188
Thank you for letting
Gail have your room.
201
00:12:30,356 --> 00:12:33,382
Oh, don't be silly. Happy to do it.
Mi casa, her casa.
202
00:12:33,959 --> 00:12:35,017
Actually it's his...
203
00:12:35,194 --> 00:12:38,095
...but the dehumidifier and the nightlight
belong to me.
204
00:12:38,264 --> 00:12:40,425
Still very nice of you. See you later.
205
00:12:42,668 --> 00:12:44,329
What you got going on today?
206
00:12:44,503 --> 00:12:47,028
Gonna play a little tennis in 1958?
207
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,437
This old thing? This is just
my knock-around clothes.
208
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:53,840
So, what's the story on Gail?
209
00:12:54,013 --> 00:12:55,776
- Bad breakup?
- Something like that.
210
00:12:55,948 --> 00:12:58,576
- She's on the rebound?
- Where are you going with this?
211
00:12:58,751 --> 00:13:00,514
Nowhere, I'm just curious about her.
212
00:13:00,686 --> 00:13:04,213
And, you know, when we met last night,
I sensed a little spark between us.
213
00:13:04,390 --> 00:13:08,190
If there was a spark, it's only
because she was warming up her Taser.
214
00:13:09,395 --> 00:13:10,862
Ha, ha. Very funny.
215
00:13:11,030 --> 00:13:14,796
The only way you're gonna hook up
with someone like Gail is in your dreams.
216
00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:16,491
Already did.
217
00:13:17,570 --> 00:13:19,060
- Really? Was Chelsea there?
- No.
218
00:13:19,238 --> 00:13:21,365
Good lord, how creepy would that be?
219
00:13:24,276 --> 00:13:26,107
Well, regardless, forget about Gail.
220
00:13:26,278 --> 00:13:29,042
Potato head out there
has a better shot than you do.
221
00:13:29,982 --> 00:13:32,576
I've got a nephew about your age.
You should meet him.
222
00:13:32,751 --> 00:13:35,242
He plays guitar,
maybe you guys could jam sometime.
223
00:13:35,421 --> 00:13:37,116
JAKE:
Oh, boobies.
224
00:13:37,456 --> 00:13:39,356
[GAIL SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
225
00:13:41,327 --> 00:13:44,296
There is a very good chance
that a woman like that...
226
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:46,794
...is tired of rich, handsome,
successful guys...
227
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:49,160
...who have homes
and recently-built cars.
228
00:13:49,335 --> 00:13:53,101
- You really believe that?
- I have to.
229
00:13:53,806 --> 00:13:57,401
- Woof. Who's that?
- Chelsea's friend.
230
00:13:57,576 --> 00:14:01,103
She's going through a bad breakup
so she's gonna stay here for a few days.
231
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,145
BERTA:
Too bad I prefer the fellas.
232
00:14:05,684 --> 00:14:08,414
Then again, I could always
draw a mustache on her.
233
00:14:16,562 --> 00:14:19,360
[GAIL SOBBING]
234
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:24,795
Alan?
235
00:14:25,404 --> 00:14:27,099
Jake?
236
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,469
Berta?
237
00:14:31,844 --> 00:14:33,835
Oh, boy.
238
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:37,038
Although,
maybe this is another dream.
239
00:14:45,958 --> 00:14:48,358
- Gail, you okay?
GAIL: I'm fine.
240
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,653
Good, good.
241
00:14:50,829 --> 00:14:53,957
I'm gonna run some errands.
Can I get you anything while I'm out?
242
00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:56,601
A reason to live.
243
00:14:58,804 --> 00:15:00,567
Alrighty.
244
00:15:01,407 --> 00:15:02,635
[GAIL WHIMPERS]
245
00:15:07,212 --> 00:15:08,839
Coming in.
246
00:15:11,483 --> 00:15:13,144
Sorry.
247
00:15:13,318 --> 00:15:15,309
I just got some bad news.
248
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:16,818
What happened?
249
00:15:16,989 --> 00:15:19,719
- My boyfriend...
- Rufus?
250
00:15:19,892 --> 00:15:21,883
That's my dog.
251
00:15:22,061 --> 00:15:26,361
- Oh, yeah. He's okay, right?
- He's fine.
252
00:15:26,532 --> 00:15:29,592
I just found out
Brian is already seeing someone else.
253
00:15:29,768 --> 00:15:30,894
No.
254
00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:34,665
I mean, we just broke up and he's
already sleeping with another woman?
255
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,740
The pig.
256
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:40,501
I thought we had something.
257
00:15:40,746 --> 00:15:42,543
He always said I was his soul mate...
258
00:15:42,715 --> 00:15:45,149
...and that he wanted
to spend his life with me.
259
00:15:45,317 --> 00:15:46,875
CHARLIE:
This can't be a dream.
260
00:15:47,052 --> 00:15:49,418
She's still got her clothes on.
261
00:15:49,621 --> 00:15:51,885
And she's talking.
262
00:15:52,891 --> 00:15:57,419
- Why can't I find a nice guy like you?
- Absolutely.
263
00:15:58,564 --> 00:16:00,555
Maybe Chelsea
would let me borrow you.
264
00:16:00,733 --> 00:16:01,995
[CHUCKLES]
265
00:16:06,004 --> 00:16:08,131
Excuse me, gotta pee.
266
00:16:10,642 --> 00:16:12,940
Oh, crap, crap, crap.
267
00:16:13,145 --> 00:16:15,375
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
268
00:16:16,682 --> 00:16:18,741
I don't know how much longer
I can hold out.
269
00:16:18,917 --> 00:16:20,544
I hear you.
270
00:16:21,754 --> 00:16:23,722
- What?
- Nothing.
271
00:16:25,524 --> 00:16:28,891
I gotta get Gail out of here
before I do something I'm gonna regret.
272
00:16:29,061 --> 00:16:31,928
You know, after I thoroughly enjoy it.
273
00:16:33,165 --> 00:16:34,393
Just tell her to leave.
274
00:16:34,566 --> 00:16:37,057
I can't do that,
she's Chelsea's best friend.
275
00:16:37,236 --> 00:16:38,669
They were college roommates.
276
00:16:38,837 --> 00:16:40,668
Really?
277
00:16:41,406 --> 00:16:44,569
- You think they experimented?
- Oh, yeah.
278
00:16:46,211 --> 00:16:47,439
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
279
00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:54,618
I gotta figure out a way
to get Gail to leave on her own.
280
00:16:54,787 --> 00:16:58,348
- You got the perfect tool for the job.
- What are you talking about?
281
00:16:58,524 --> 00:17:01,925
The one tool that's guaranteed
to drive any woman out of your house.
282
00:17:02,094 --> 00:17:03,561
Hello.
283
00:17:06,098 --> 00:17:08,259
Oh, look, it's an Allen wrench.
284
00:17:12,604 --> 00:17:15,072
ALAN: What was that about?
- Nothing. Nothing.
285
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:19,142
I was just telling Berta that I was wrong
about you not having a shot with Gail.
286
00:17:19,311 --> 00:17:22,144
Why, did she say something?
Did she ask about me?
287
00:17:22,314 --> 00:17:25,306
How about a double wedding?
As long as you're paying for one.
288
00:17:26,618 --> 00:17:29,416
Slow down. Slow down.
Nobody said anything.
289
00:17:29,588 --> 00:17:31,579
I just realized
I might've been jealous...
290
00:17:31,757 --> 00:17:33,281
...because she's so beautiful...
291
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:36,188
...and I can't have her,
I didn't want you to have her.
292
00:17:36,361 --> 00:17:38,386
Yeah, I was thinking it might be that.
293
00:17:39,965 --> 00:17:43,162
Anyway, it's not fair for me
to stand in the way of your happiness.
294
00:17:43,335 --> 00:17:46,202
I always thought
that was one of your favorite things.
295
00:17:46,371 --> 00:17:48,703
Do you wanna pick nits
or go talk to a woman...
296
00:17:48,874 --> 00:17:52,207
...who's vulnerable and may very well
be looking for revenge sex?
297
00:17:52,377 --> 00:17:55,107
I don't want revenge sex,
I want a loving relationship...
298
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,579
...that has depth and meaning
and will withstand the test of time.
299
00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:00,980
Oh, that's good. I'd lead with that.
300
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,986
- You think?
- Oh, yeah, go get her.
301
00:18:04,523 --> 00:18:06,684
All right. All right. Wish me luck.
302
00:18:06,859 --> 00:18:07,883
You don't need luck.
303
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:11,188
You've got the exact skills
needed to get this job done.
304
00:18:11,363 --> 00:18:13,228
Thanks, Charlie.
You're a good brother.
305
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,999
CHARLIE: If he actually gets laid,
I'm gonna hang myself.
306
00:18:19,204 --> 00:18:20,398
[DOOR KNOCKS]
307
00:18:20,572 --> 00:18:22,130
Come in.
308
00:18:23,475 --> 00:18:25,340
- Hey, there.
- Hi, Alan.
309
00:18:25,911 --> 00:18:29,278
- You up for a little company?
- I guess.
310
00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:34,351
You know, it does get easier.
311
00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:36,419
The wound does heal.
312
00:18:36,588 --> 00:18:38,385
I know. Thank you.
313
00:18:38,557 --> 00:18:40,115
It may not feel like it now...
314
00:18:40,292 --> 00:18:43,728
...but before too long, you'll forget
about that fellow who hurt you...
315
00:18:43,896 --> 00:18:47,730
...because another fellow
will be in your heart.
316
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,595
A fellow who will never hurt you...
317
00:18:51,203 --> 00:18:53,330
...who will never leave your side.
318
00:18:53,906 --> 00:18:58,275
A fellow who wants nothing
more than to love you.
319
00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:00,707
GAIL:
Oh, dear God, no.
320
00:19:03,815 --> 00:19:06,443
Thanks for your hospitality,
but I should get back home.
321
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:08,347
- Anytime.
- So where'd we leave it?
322
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,045
- I'll call you, you'll call me?
- I'll call you.
323
00:19:14,026 --> 00:19:17,553
So how'd it go?
324
00:19:19,031 --> 00:19:21,056
You heard her. She's gonna call me.
325
00:19:29,808 --> 00:19:31,776
Shame on you, Alan Harper.
326
00:19:31,944 --> 00:19:34,606
You knew that Gail
was going through a difficult time.
327
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:37,943
What do you do? You try
to take advantage, to exploit her...
328
00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:41,745
ALAN: What is it about an angry woman
that I find so hot?
329
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,444
[CHELSEA SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
330
00:19:43,622 --> 00:19:45,852
Even when that fat cashier
was yelling at me...
331
00:19:46,024 --> 00:19:48,015
... I got a little engorged.
332
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:52,825
Boy, if I could just find
somebody like Chelsea.
333
00:19:52,998 --> 00:19:54,556
I mean, look at her go.
334
00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,931
She's a real fireball.
335
00:19:59,204 --> 00:20:01,695
Speaking of fireballs,
next time I manscape...
336
00:20:01,873 --> 00:20:04,501
... I should probably skip
the aftershave.
337
00:20:36,975 --> 00:20:38,966
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]