1
00:00:04,444 --> 00:00:07,436
- Who wants more potatoes?
- Hit me.

2
00:00:07,614 --> 00:00:12,074
Uh, Chelsea, the way it's supposed to work
here is that Berta serves us dinner.

3
00:00:12,252 --> 00:00:13,344
I don't mind.

4
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,080
Hear that? She doesn't mind. Shut up.

5
00:00:16,589 --> 00:00:19,057
EVELYN: We're back.
- Hey, how'd it go?

6
00:00:19,225 --> 00:00:22,353
Don't know what you were worried about.
Your son's a wonderful driver.

7
00:00:22,529 --> 00:00:24,759
Thanks for taking him, Mom.
He needs the practice.

8
00:00:24,931 --> 00:00:27,092
Mm, pork chops.

9
00:00:29,969 --> 00:00:31,061
What are you wearing?

10
00:00:31,237 --> 00:00:33,432
Grandma bought it for me.
Pretty cool, huh?

11
00:00:33,606 --> 00:00:36,541
- You made him dress up as a chauffeur?
- He loves it.

12
00:00:36,743 --> 00:00:41,077
- Don't get grease on that jacket, dear.
- Yes, Miss Evelyn.

13
00:00:42,315 --> 00:00:45,614
- Would you like to join us for dinner?
- Oh, no thanks, I had a late lunch.

14
00:00:45,785 --> 00:00:49,016
And she sent a piece of pie out
to the car so I could eat too.

15
00:00:50,023 --> 00:00:51,354
Anyway, I better get going.

16
00:00:51,524 --> 00:00:53,617
Well, thanks again, Mom.
Say thanks to Grandma.

17
00:00:53,793 --> 00:00:55,055
Thank you, Miss Evelyn.

18
00:00:56,462 --> 00:00:57,986
- Good to see you.
EVELYN: You too.

19
00:00:58,164 --> 00:01:00,530
Oh, I almost forgot.

20
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,998
- Have you two set a wedding date yet?
- No.

21
00:01:05,905 --> 00:01:07,668
We haven't.

22
00:01:08,474 --> 00:01:10,135
But we're gonna.

23
00:01:11,344 --> 00:01:13,812
Well, it just so happens that
a client of mine...

24
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:16,380
...schedules the weddings
for the Bel-Air Hotel.

25
00:01:16,549 --> 00:01:20,178
And she told me there was a cancellation
for the weekend of June 26th.

26
00:01:20,353 --> 00:01:22,719
- The Bel-Air Hotel?
- In June.

27
00:01:22,889 --> 00:01:25,790
- Charlie, the Bel-Air Hotel.
- In June.

28
00:01:26,226 --> 00:01:28,353
Yeah, I heard, wow.

29
00:01:28,528 --> 00:01:30,758
- What do you think?
- Gee, I don't know.

30
00:01:30,930 --> 00:01:32,761
We hadn't talked about a date.

31
00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:36,299
Boy, it's almost impossible
to get a June date at the Bel-Air Hotel.

32
00:01:36,469 --> 00:01:38,130
Thank you, Alan.

33
00:01:38,304 --> 00:01:41,102
Judith and I had to get married
at the Sportsmen's Lodge...

34
00:01:41,274 --> 00:01:43,037
...on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

35
00:01:43,209 --> 00:01:46,804
Yes,
I remember the Indian corn centerpieces.

36
00:01:47,447 --> 00:01:50,041
Oh, Charlie,
I've always dreamed of getting married...

37
00:01:50,216 --> 00:01:52,616
...at the Bel-Air in the garden
with the swans.

38
00:01:52,785 --> 00:01:56,414
Yeah, but keep in mind
those birds are vicious.

39
00:01:56,589 --> 00:01:59,524
They look pretty,
but they'll peck your eye right out.

40
00:01:59,726 --> 00:02:01,557
I thought
if we had the wedding here...

41
00:02:01,728 --> 00:02:04,390
...the money we save could pay
for a nice long honeymoon.

42
00:02:04,931 --> 00:02:07,866
Yeah, I guess that's probably smarter.

43
00:02:08,034 --> 00:02:09,092
Shame on you, Charles.

44
00:02:09,269 --> 00:02:11,999
Depriving your fiancée
of her dream wedding.

45
00:02:12,171 --> 00:02:14,469
Especially considering
all the money you blew...

46
00:02:14,641 --> 00:02:17,166
...on hooch and whores
over the years.

47
00:02:18,878 --> 00:02:20,903
Thank you, Berta.

48
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:25,540
Tell you what, the wedding at the Bel-Air
will be my gift to you.

49
00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:27,346
Are you serious?

50
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,512
Gee, Mom, thanks,
but that's a little too generous.

51
00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:33,352
A little? All she gave Judith and me
was a dinette set.

52
00:02:33,526 --> 00:02:37,155
- Who's eating on that dinette set now?
- That's not the point.

53
00:02:37,363 --> 00:02:40,025
Charlie's marriage
is just as likely to fail as mine was.

54
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,331
Thanks again, bro.

55
00:02:42,502 --> 00:02:44,970
Anyway, I asked them
to hold the date for 24 hours.

56
00:02:45,138 --> 00:02:49,040
- So you can talk it over and decide.
- Thank you, Evelyn. That is so sweet.

57
00:02:49,208 --> 00:02:51,301
Well, I do have an ulterior motive.

58
00:02:51,477 --> 00:02:54,344
The sooner you get married,
the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.

59
00:02:54,514 --> 00:02:57,540
Why, does Miss Evelyn
need a cook and a butler too?

60
00:03:00,053 --> 00:03:02,886
- Let me know, dear.
- I will.

61
00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:06,591
- The Bel-Air Hotel.
- In June.

62
00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:10,793
Let's see you get out of this one,
Houdini.

63
00:03:22,809 --> 00:03:24,970
So have you thought
about your mother's offer?

64
00:03:25,144 --> 00:03:27,476
Yeah, I have.

65
00:03:27,947 --> 00:03:30,040
I've got one question.

66
00:03:30,216 --> 00:03:31,774
Why June?

67
00:03:31,951 --> 00:03:35,546
What's wrong with getting married
in July, or the following October?

68
00:03:37,390 --> 00:03:39,585
October is a perfectly good month.

69
00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:43,718
Birds all fly south, so you don't have
to worry about swan attacks.

70
00:03:45,231 --> 00:03:47,995
Charlie, if you don't wanna get married
in June, we don't have to.

71
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,429
What? No, no, no.

72
00:03:49,602 --> 00:03:53,732
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Where do you get this stuff?

73
00:03:55,775 --> 00:03:57,675
- So?
- So, what?

74
00:03:58,277 --> 00:04:00,871
Do you want to get married in June?

75
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:03,174
Oh, we're back on that.

76
00:04:05,985 --> 00:04:09,921
Well, I can't think
of any good reason why not.

77
00:04:10,089 --> 00:04:12,455
And believe me, I'm trying.

78
00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,092
So that's it?

79
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:17,093
We're getting married June 26th
at the Bel-Air Hotel?

80
00:04:18,431 --> 00:04:19,523
I guess so.

81
00:04:19,699 --> 00:04:22,133
Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

82
00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:26,203
That's only because you don't have
a swan beak in your eye socket yet.

83
00:04:27,573 --> 00:04:30,542
I'm gonna call your mom, then my mom
and then all my friends.

84
00:04:30,710 --> 00:04:32,075
Good, good.

85
00:04:32,245 --> 00:04:34,907
Alan, we're gonna do it.
June 26th at the Bel-Air Hotel.

86
00:04:35,081 --> 00:04:39,108
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! That is so wonderful.

87
00:04:39,285 --> 00:04:41,651
I know, I've gotta go call everybody.

88
00:04:43,589 --> 00:04:45,955
Congratulations.

89
00:04:46,626 --> 00:04:50,357
- Thanks.
- Wow, the end of an era.

90
00:04:51,164 --> 00:04:53,826
- Guess so.
- Well, you had a good run.

91
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:58,365
- Yep.
- But now it's over.

92
00:04:59,105 --> 00:05:01,300
[WHISPERS]
Forever.

93
00:05:03,309 --> 00:05:06,642
Nothing's gonna change, Alan.
Sure, I'm gonna be married.

94
00:05:06,813 --> 00:05:10,078
But I'm still the same guy living in the same
house with the same woman.

95
00:05:10,249 --> 00:05:12,342
[IN NORMAL TONE]
Yes, yes, the same woman.

96
00:05:12,518 --> 00:05:14,418
[WHISPERS]
Forever.

97
00:05:16,155 --> 00:05:17,884
[IN NORMAL TONE]
Hey, can I be the best man?

98
00:05:18,057 --> 00:05:20,355
You'll need a sex change.

99
00:05:22,128 --> 00:05:24,358
- Where you going?
- Out for a drink.

100
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:27,988
- Well, you can drink here.
- I could, but I don't wanna vomit here.

101
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:31,096
Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.

102
00:05:31,270 --> 00:05:33,135
- Why?
- I'm not done poking at you.

103
00:05:34,507 --> 00:05:36,702
Hey, shouldn't you ask
the old ball and chain first?

104
00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:38,309
I don't need her permission.

105
00:05:38,478 --> 00:05:40,639
- Really?
- Yes, really.

106
00:05:44,450 --> 00:05:48,386
Although it is considerate
to let your partner know your plans...

107
00:05:48,554 --> 00:05:50,215
...so she won't worry.

108
00:05:50,389 --> 00:05:52,687
Sweetie,
I'm going out for a drink with Alan, okay?

109
00:05:52,859 --> 00:05:56,989
CHELSEA: Sure, have fun.
- Thanks, love you.

110
00:05:59,432 --> 00:06:01,024
Shut up.

111
00:06:03,236 --> 00:06:05,466
- You're driving.
- Wow.

112
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,068
Jake has one big-ass head.

113
00:06:12,411 --> 00:06:15,710
All kidding aside, she's a great girl
and I'm sure you'll be very happy.

114
00:06:15,882 --> 00:06:16,974
Thanks.

115
00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:19,984
[WHISPERS]
Forever.

116
00:06:20,786 --> 00:06:23,687
- Are you done poking?
- [IN NORMAL TONE] For the moment.

117
00:06:24,891 --> 00:06:28,520
Boy, who would've figured of the two of us,
I'd end up being the carefree bachelor?

118
00:06:29,328 --> 00:06:31,489
If by carefree
you mean broke and lonely...

119
00:06:31,697 --> 00:06:33,824
...everybody would've figured.

120
00:06:36,435 --> 00:06:38,426
- Hi.
- Hi.

121
00:06:38,604 --> 00:06:40,663
- Charlie.
- Betsy.

122
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:44,708
- I'm getting married on June 26th.
- Good for you.

123
00:06:44,877 --> 00:06:48,404
- At the Bel-Air Hotel.
- Nice.

124
00:06:49,782 --> 00:06:52,774
That means no matter how easy you are,
I can't sleep with you.

125
00:06:54,287 --> 00:06:57,188
I can. I'm Alan.

126
00:06:57,990 --> 00:06:59,855
Can he buy you a drink?

127
00:07:02,795 --> 00:07:04,592
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

128
00:07:04,764 --> 00:07:07,756
- What you watching?
- Oh. Golf.

129
00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:12,459
- Don't sneak up on a guy, all right?
- Sorry.

130
00:07:12,638 --> 00:07:14,970
Your dad watches a lot of golf too.

131
00:07:16,275 --> 00:07:19,403
So listen, how'd you like
to be a groomsman in the wedding?

132
00:07:19,579 --> 00:07:20,876
What do I gotta do?

133
00:07:21,047 --> 00:07:23,106
You just walk down the aisle
with the bridesmaids...

134
00:07:23,282 --> 00:07:25,876
...and stand with Charlie
during the ceremony.

135
00:07:26,652 --> 00:07:28,950
Tell me more about the bridesmaids.

136
00:07:29,121 --> 00:07:31,783
- They're friends of mine.
- So they're old.

137
00:07:32,758 --> 00:07:36,717
No, not all of them.
I have a niece who's about your age.

138
00:07:36,896 --> 00:07:39,091
- Is she pretty?
- I think she's cute.

139
00:07:39,265 --> 00:07:41,130
Okay, I know what that means.

140
00:07:43,336 --> 00:07:46,169
- She's not a brainiac, is she?
- What does that mean?

141
00:07:46,339 --> 00:07:50,435
Well, I don't like them stupid, but I don't
like them talking down to me either.

142
00:07:50,610 --> 00:07:53,807
- Got it.
- And I like a little junk in the trunk.

143
00:07:54,847 --> 00:07:56,178
You won't be disappointed.

144
00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:59,284
- All right, I'm in.
- Great.

145
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,518
You know, of all the women my uncle's
been with, you're my favorite.

146
00:08:03,689 --> 00:08:04,986
Oh, thank you.

147
00:08:05,157 --> 00:08:08,149
- And there's been a lot.
- I know.

148
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:11,592
- A whole lot.
- Right.

149
00:08:11,797 --> 00:08:14,527
Like I'm betting around a thousand.

150
00:08:15,368 --> 00:08:16,562
Uh-huh.

151
00:08:16,736 --> 00:08:19,830
And that's just since
I've been old enough to pay attention.

152
00:08:20,006 --> 00:08:21,030
No kidding.

153
00:08:21,207 --> 00:08:22,401
When I first got here...

154
00:08:22,575 --> 00:08:25,544
...he told me that they were coming over
to water the plants.

155
00:08:25,878 --> 00:08:29,780
And I believed him. What did I know?

156
00:08:30,316 --> 00:08:31,681
Sure, you were young.

157
00:08:31,851 --> 00:08:34,843
And naive too.
We didn't even have any plants.

158
00:08:35,888 --> 00:08:38,652
- And there were some crazy ones too.
- I'll bet.

159
00:08:39,859 --> 00:08:43,317
Your niece doesn't have a license
to carry a concealed weapon, does she?

160
00:08:44,263 --> 00:08:46,925
- No.
- Good.

161
00:08:47,099 --> 00:08:49,499
You should have seen
where this one girl hid hers.

162
00:08:53,072 --> 00:08:58,135
Come to find out that what I thought
was a boil on my neck...

163
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:01,973
...was actually a carbuncle.

164
00:09:02,782 --> 00:09:04,647
Lovely.

165
00:09:04,817 --> 00:09:09,914
Little known fact, uh, carbuncles
are technically in the boil family.

166
00:09:10,089 --> 00:09:12,751
But it takes way longer to drain.

167
00:09:18,097 --> 00:09:20,964
- Charlie, help me here, I'm dying.
- No, you're doing fine.

168
00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:23,067
Tell her about your hemorrhoids.

169
00:09:23,969 --> 00:09:27,063
- Please, I'm begging you.
- All right.

170
00:09:27,239 --> 00:09:30,265
No sense letting my superpowers
go to waste.

171
00:09:30,443 --> 00:09:33,742
Ahem. So, Dr. Harper...

172
00:09:33,913 --> 00:09:37,280
...are we still going to Sun Valley
in your Gulfstream this weekend?

173
00:09:37,450 --> 00:09:40,044
You own your own trailer?

174
00:09:40,219 --> 00:09:42,312
No, no, that's an Airstream.

175
00:09:42,488 --> 00:09:44,285
Dr. Harper has a private jet.

176
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:46,491
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

177
00:09:46,659 --> 00:09:48,752
He needs one for his work.

178
00:09:48,928 --> 00:09:51,260
Hmm. What do you do?

179
00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:53,728
Uh, I am a chiropractor.

180
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:58,002
A chiropractor without borders.

181
00:09:58,170 --> 00:10:01,401
He travels the world
adjusting the backs of starving children.

182
00:10:02,174 --> 00:10:08,113
Yes, you have to be, uh, very careful, um,
because their little bones are very brittle.

183
00:10:08,814 --> 00:10:11,442
Wow, you're amazing.

184
00:10:11,617 --> 00:10:14,586
No, it's just my job. Ha, ha.

185
00:10:15,054 --> 00:10:16,282
[WHISPERS]
You're amazing.

186
00:10:16,956 --> 00:10:20,289
It wasn't tough. We had her at trailer.

187
00:10:21,427 --> 00:10:24,294
[IN NORMAL TONE]
Another round on him.

188
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:29,991
[SIGHS]

189
00:10:39,145 --> 00:10:40,806
[CHUCKLES]

190
00:10:55,828 --> 00:10:57,261
Uh-oh.

191
00:11:03,969 --> 00:11:05,368
[WHISPERING]
Charlie.

192
00:11:05,538 --> 00:11:08,063
- Charlie.
- Go away, Alan.

193
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,141
I really think
you need to wake up now.

194
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:12,709
Shh.

195
00:11:12,878 --> 00:11:14,402
[WHISPERING]
Chelsea's sleeping.

196
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:18,016
Perhaps, but not here.

197
00:11:18,884 --> 00:11:23,253
Okay, what the hell is your prob...?

198
00:11:24,690 --> 00:11:26,681
Oh, dear.

199
00:11:28,661 --> 00:11:31,494
- [WHISPERING] What happened?
- I don't know.

200
00:11:31,664 --> 00:11:35,464
- Who is she?
- I don't know.

201
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:37,602
What the hell do you know, Alan?

202
00:11:37,770 --> 00:11:43,265
I know we're in a strange woman's bed,
together, naked.

203
00:11:45,811 --> 00:11:46,869
[BOTH THUD]

204
00:11:52,551 --> 00:11:55,179
- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Good idea.

205
00:11:58,490 --> 00:12:01,186
- You remember anything?
- I remember we were in Pavlov's.

206
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,591
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were hitting on some chick.

207
00:12:04,763 --> 00:12:06,628
Guess it worked.

208
00:12:07,132 --> 00:12:09,032
Do you happen to remember
how I did it?

209
00:12:09,201 --> 00:12:10,862
- Alan, focus.
- Okay, right, right.

210
00:12:11,036 --> 00:12:14,005
I think there was something about
a trailer in Sun Valley?

211
00:12:14,907 --> 00:12:16,636
Are we in Idaho?

212
00:12:18,544 --> 00:12:20,239
No mountains, no snow.

213
00:12:23,148 --> 00:12:25,776
Why are you wearing my underwear?

214
00:12:25,951 --> 00:12:29,819
- Why are you wearing mine?
- Oh, boy.

215
00:12:31,323 --> 00:12:32,483
Let's just go.

216
00:12:32,658 --> 00:12:34,785
Should we leave her a little note?

217
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,428
- What?
- A thank-you, maybe my phone number.

218
00:12:37,596 --> 00:12:39,996
- Are you crazy? Just keep moving.
- But she's cute.

219
00:12:40,165 --> 00:12:43,566
- And I need a plus-one for your wedding.
- Oh, my God. My wedding.

220
00:12:43,736 --> 00:12:46,034
You're right, it could be awkward.

221
00:12:48,474 --> 00:12:50,135
What have I done, Alan?

222
00:12:50,309 --> 00:12:52,937
Less than 24 hours after I set a date
for my wedding...

223
00:12:53,112 --> 00:12:55,307
...I wake up in bed
with another woman.

224
00:12:55,481 --> 00:12:59,440
And me.
You woke up in bed with me too.

225
00:13:01,687 --> 00:13:04,247
[HUMMING DRUNKENLY]

226
00:13:09,595 --> 00:13:12,621
- What the hell did we do last night?
- I wish I knew.

227
00:13:12,798 --> 00:13:15,164
- What am I gonna tell Chelsea?
- Well, let's think.

228
00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:17,461
I mean, maybe there's
an innocent explanation.

229
00:13:17,636 --> 00:13:19,399
Oh, really? And what might that be?

230
00:13:19,571 --> 00:13:22,768
- Clearly we all had a bit much to drink.
- Yeah.

231
00:13:22,942 --> 00:13:24,375
And you and I, being gentlemen...

232
00:13:24,543 --> 00:13:26,773
...escorted the lady home.
- Mm-hm.

233
00:13:26,946 --> 00:13:29,312
She invited us in for a cup of coffee
to sober up.

234
00:13:29,481 --> 00:13:32,279
Was that before
or after we switched underwear?

235
00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:36,248
Let me finish.

236
00:13:36,422 --> 00:13:40,222
Uh, so we went into her apartment and...

237
00:13:41,827 --> 00:13:44,159
I don't know
what you're gonna tell Chelsea.

238
00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:45,695
Here is what you tell her.

239
00:13:45,864 --> 00:13:50,324
Tell her you were detained by the secret
police, strip-searched and water boarded.

240
00:13:50,502 --> 00:13:52,595
Just drive.

241
00:13:53,005 --> 00:13:54,973
Worked for me.

242
00:13:57,810 --> 00:14:00,574
All right, here's what we're gonna do.

243
00:14:01,013 --> 00:14:03,072
We're gonna forget
this night ever happened.

244
00:14:03,248 --> 00:14:04,909
Good idea.

245
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:07,741
Giddyup, horsy, giddyup.

246
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,148
[WHINNIES]

247
00:14:11,690 --> 00:14:15,182
Of course,
that may be easier said than done.

248
00:14:26,238 --> 00:14:28,604
[WHISPERING]
Great, no one's up yet.

249
00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:31,709
All right, go to bed. I'll see you later.

250
00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,181
- [WHISPERING] Charlie?
- What?

251
00:14:37,349 --> 00:14:38,680
You want your boxers back?

252
00:14:41,453 --> 00:14:43,546
- You keep them.
- Really? Gee, thanks.

253
00:14:46,392 --> 00:14:48,223
- Charlie, Charlie.
- Yeah?

254
00:14:48,394 --> 00:14:52,125
Uh, if I put them in the laundry, Berta will
wash them and give them back to you.

255
00:14:52,297 --> 00:14:54,231
Then hand-wash them.

256
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,560
Of course.

257
00:14:58,170 --> 00:15:00,161
- Charlie, Charlie.
- What?

258
00:15:01,106 --> 00:15:04,200
- Woolite or a mild detergent?
- I don't care.

259
00:15:04,943 --> 00:15:07,309
No worries, I'll check the label.

260
00:15:08,313 --> 00:15:11,146
- Oh, Charlie.
- What?

261
00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:14,217
Thanks for taking me out with you.
I had a really good time.

262
00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:39,407
[SIGHS]

263
00:15:39,578 --> 00:15:41,273
[CLATTERING]

264
00:15:43,949 --> 00:15:45,917
CHELSEA:
Charlie?

265
00:15:46,285 --> 00:15:48,719
- Yeah, babe?
- Are you just getting home?

266
00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:52,755
CHARLIE: No, no. No, I was a little drunk,
so I slept downstairs for a while.

267
00:15:52,925 --> 00:15:54,256
I didn't wanna disturb you.

268
00:15:54,426 --> 00:15:56,121
Did you have a good time with Alan?

269
00:15:56,628 --> 00:15:59,563
Oh, come on, it was Alan.
How much fun could I have had?

270
00:16:01,066 --> 00:16:07,130
[SINGING AS MARILYN MONROE]
<i>Happy birthday, Mr. President</i>

271
00:16:07,639 --> 00:16:12,702
<i>Happy birthday to you</i>

272
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:18,243
CHELSEA: Oh, you don't mean that.
- No. Ha, ha. No.

273
00:16:18,417 --> 00:16:23,013
We had an okay time.
Pretty forgettable.

274
00:16:23,655 --> 00:16:27,955
I talked to my parents last night.
They are so excited.

275
00:16:28,127 --> 00:16:30,960
Not as excited as me.

276
00:16:33,999 --> 00:16:36,263
I'm gonna make you a great wife,
Charlie Harper.

277
00:16:36,435 --> 00:16:38,027
I know.

278
00:16:38,203 --> 00:16:43,641
And I'm gonna... cut down
on my drinking.

279
00:16:47,212 --> 00:16:48,679
Boy, I don't know, Chels.

280
00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:51,407
I really like the white roses
for the centerpieces.

281
00:16:51,583 --> 00:16:54,416
- You don't think it's too much?
- No, no.

282
00:16:54,586 --> 00:16:58,989
The rose symbolizes love
and white symbolizes, you know...

283
00:16:59,158 --> 00:17:01,524
...the cleanness of that love.

284
00:17:03,395 --> 00:17:05,192
- Cleanness?
- Yeah.

285
00:17:05,364 --> 00:17:09,698
Yeah, like purity or untainted by filth.

286
00:17:12,271 --> 00:17:15,206
A white rose is a rose you can trust.

287
00:17:15,374 --> 00:17:20,141
Making it the centerpiece is appropriate,
because you're my centerpiece.

288
00:17:20,312 --> 00:17:24,009
You know, the piece
that supersedes all other pieces.

289
00:17:25,717 --> 00:17:28,550
- Are you still drunk?
- Only with love.

290
00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:31,179
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

291
00:17:31,356 --> 00:17:33,688
Oh, it's my grandmother.

292
00:17:34,226 --> 00:17:35,716
Hi, Grammy.

293
00:17:35,894 --> 00:17:39,057
Yeah, it's gonna be a June wedding.

294
00:17:39,831 --> 00:17:43,699
Excuse me.
That's a terrible thing to say, Grammy.

295
00:17:43,869 --> 00:17:46,861
Besides, I said June, not Jew.

296
00:17:56,848 --> 00:18:00,306
- Okay, what have you done?
- Beg your pardon?

297
00:18:00,485 --> 00:18:02,385
That sweet naive hick
you're marrying...

298
00:18:02,554 --> 00:18:06,183
...might buy this loving, cooperative
attitude, but not your mommy.

299
00:18:06,358 --> 00:18:08,918
Hey, can't a fella just be excited about
floral centerpieces?

300
00:18:09,094 --> 00:18:11,085
A gay fella.

301
00:18:11,997 --> 00:18:14,522
You're feeling guilty about something.
What is it?

302
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,362
Nothing.
I've got nothing to feel guilty about.

303
00:18:20,105 --> 00:18:23,768
Okay, okay, okay.
Now you give him your underwear.

304
00:18:26,111 --> 00:18:29,376
- Charlie?
- I'm not really sure what I did.

305
00:18:29,548 --> 00:18:33,712
- So a drunken escapade?
- Is there another kind of escapade?

306
00:18:33,885 --> 00:18:36,786
Well, whatever you do,
don't tell Chelsea about it.

307
00:18:37,789 --> 00:18:42,920
Confession may be good for the soul,
but it's a hot lead enema to a marriage.

308
00:18:43,829 --> 00:18:49,028
I know, I know, but I've got these freaky
memory flashes and I feel so guilty.

309
00:18:49,201 --> 00:18:53,228
Trust me,
those memories will fade with time.

310
00:18:53,405 --> 00:18:54,531
How do you know?

311
00:18:54,706 --> 00:18:56,674
Let me tell you a story.

312
00:18:56,842 --> 00:19:00,073
Many years ago when I was married
to your second stepfather...

313
00:19:00,245 --> 00:19:01,576
The carpet king?

314
00:19:02,547 --> 00:19:05,607
Well, I called him that.
It wasn't his occupation.

315
00:19:07,019 --> 00:19:09,214
Anyway, he was away on business...

316
00:19:09,421 --> 00:19:12,913
...and you and your brother
were in summer camp or somewhere.

317
00:19:13,925 --> 00:19:15,324
And l...

318
00:19:15,827 --> 00:19:21,265
Well, I was lonely, bored,
and the circus was in town.

319
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,264
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

320
00:19:23,435 --> 00:19:25,960
EVELYN:
And when I woke up in that Motel 6...

321
00:19:26,138 --> 00:19:30,666
...clown makeup smeared
all over my bosom, I was alone.

322
00:19:30,842 --> 00:19:33,640
The Chinese acrobats, the strong man,
the little people...

323
00:19:33,812 --> 00:19:35,302
...moved on to the next town.

324
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,505
Oh, my God!

325
00:19:39,084 --> 00:19:41,575
- What did you do then?
- Well, what could I do?

326
00:19:41,753 --> 00:19:45,951
I showered,
plucked the sequins from my hoo-hoo...

327
00:19:46,792 --> 00:19:49,283
...held my head up
and got on with my life.

328
00:19:49,461 --> 00:19:51,486
And you never told the carpet king?

329
00:19:51,997 --> 00:19:56,093
No, of course not.
I loved him too much.

330
00:19:56,268 --> 00:20:00,329
Your second stepfather was the third
best thing that ever happened to me.

331
00:20:00,505 --> 00:20:01,870
Behind me and Alan?

332
00:20:03,408 --> 00:20:05,103
Sure.

333
00:20:08,513 --> 00:20:12,074
I think some teenagers
are fooling around under the deck again.

334
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,274
Really?

335
00:20:13,485 --> 00:20:16,113
Yeah. Found a pair of men's briefs
by the side of the house.

336
00:20:17,422 --> 00:20:21,051
Damn kids. No respect for anything.

337
00:20:22,928 --> 00:20:24,793
[SIGHS]

338
00:20:26,732 --> 00:20:30,566
Listen, Chels, we need to talk.

339
00:20:31,436 --> 00:20:34,997
- Something wrong?
- Yeah.

340
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:36,498
What is it?

341
00:20:37,409 --> 00:20:40,242
I got these...
These pictures in my head.

342
00:20:40,412 --> 00:20:43,472
And I'm afraid if I don't tell you
about them...

343
00:20:43,648 --> 00:20:45,206
...they're gonna drive me crazy.

344
00:20:46,251 --> 00:20:47,548
Go ahead.

345
00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:49,920
[SIGHS]

346
00:20:50,822 --> 00:20:53,154
Well, what happened was...

347
00:20:55,026 --> 00:20:58,757
My second stepfather went on a business
trip while the circus was in town.

348
00:20:59,931 --> 00:21:04,265
Alan and I were at camp
or someplace.

349
00:21:04,736 --> 00:21:07,534
And my mother was lonely.

350
00:21:18,717 --> 00:21:21,515
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

351
00:21:31,329 --> 00:21:34,730
- Shouldn't we leave her a note?
- Just keep walking.

352
00:22:03,695 --> 00:22:05,686
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]